Doors

Early this week, as I walked home late at night after a tiring day, I saw visions of doors, some slightly ajar, most closed, one slowly closing. It was a dark place and I felt the need to run after that door that was closing in slow motion. But no matter how fast I tried to run, I couldn't seem to close the distance between us. It was a quick vision and I hurried home, fearful for what might happen to me while out in the streets at night.

Yesterday was her first death anniversary. I cried as I looked back on what happened last year, how I was filled with regrets and guilt because I was not sure if I had shown her sufficiently how much I loved her. At random moments of my life, I would tell her to come away with me and my sisters. I wanted just the four of us together and I would imagine that we would have a peaceful life. That didn't happen. My sisters refused. Still I hoped so much that when she reaches old age, I would be there to care for her, just as she had cared so much for me when I was an infant.

Then yesterday, there was one more reason to cry although I tried to control my tears. A wanted us to break up. I could imagine him getting tired and sick of the pressures surrounding him more so now when he is busy at work. Since Ramadhan started, he has told me little by little about these. I was confused and hurt, because I knew what was coming even before he asked me "would you be okay without me?" this week. Maybe it is a blessing to have this little gift of presience, to somehow cushion the impact.

I couldn't give a definite answer. It was a scary proposition. I know he has our best interests in mind, but I know that once we give up on each other, it will be the end.

More than ever, he emphasized our differences. We both knew. We have discussed these prior to us getting serious. But it should happen that things will get more difficult. This early, I have already cried an ocean of tears. I do not want to lose him, and I hate myself for being too proud. There are many things I have been doing for our sake which he knows nothing about because I do not want to disappoint him in case I fail. But I guess it is too late now.

Exactly a year after I lost an important person, I would experience the same now. That door that was slowly closing, I do not know if it will really close. I feel like I am transported back to my three year old self when I threw tantrums and cried so hard pleading the Light not to leave me when she tried to go on a vacation.

Even if doors open for me, I doubt if I can have the heart to enter new ones. His will forever be the one for me. When I knew him, I know that I must not leave him. There is the feeling that everything will not turn out right if we get separated. But if he is the one leaving, then there is nothing I can do. It will be difficult, I do not know what will happen next. The door is closing and I couldn't reach it.

A Tale of Love and Darkness (2015)

Ramadhan started on the 6th of this month. That day, he told me we are not to see each other for one whole month. I was hurt and troubled. I know he is busy and all, but most times I find myself thinking if I really have a place in his heart and in his life.

So on the 9th, before I jump into an extra hectic schedule which I embraced wholeheartedly to somehow keep him off my mind, I decided to watch a movie alone. It was funny how that week there were heated exchanges of SMS and all throughout the week I was crying hard. Yet we still manage to remind each other to bring an umbrella because the rainy season is upon us. Or maybe we just want to find an excuse to text each other and show that we care despite the misunderstandings. Either way, when he texted to say it was raining and for me to take care going home, I replied saying I would be at UP to "take a walk because I just wanted to be in a place full of trees". Wild child still.

But I fought hard, braving the heavy Metro traffic, to end up at UPFI to attend the free screening of A Tale of Love and Darkness, a movie by Natalie Portman. It's a heartbreaking movie (or maybe I read too much of my own situation into it) about a family striving to live a normal life in the new state of Israel following World War 2. The Palestinians are of course not too happy since the state was formed on their land. (And we see how malicious the West is when they cause border and frontier issues which remain to this day.) The movie was based on Amos Oz's book of the same title, an autobiography that reveals his pro-Zionist sentiments but without discounting the possible peaceful coexistence with Palestinians.

Amos' story focused in his mother Fania, played by Natalie Portman herself. Fania was a romantic, seemingly infatuated with a strong man who can do manual labor, in contrast to the person she married. Amos' father was a writer who loved etymologies, by the way, and he took pride in this as this gift was what made Fania fall in love with him. Unbeknownst to him, Fania suffers from the marriage, snubbed and bullied by her mother-in-law. Until there came a point when she falls into depression and young Amos had to take care of her. And she repeatedly told him that he was her Light, her only joy. (At this mention, I couldn't help but cry as I thought of the Light of my Life...)

The movie ends showing a teenager Amos driving a tractor. He had become a farmer, a realization of his mother's fantasies.

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Rarely do I see a jampacked UPFI and because I came in around 7:20, I had to be on my feet for the whole duration of the film. Didn't matter to me because I liked the movie although the love part was not emphasized. Darkness pervades the whole film. Love was evident only in Fania's sweet talk to young Amos and well, how Amos put her as the central character in the story.