Indescribable 2016

The last day of 2016, I spent most of the day alone working on my INC's for the simple reason that I do not want to be stressed out early in 2017 when I should be preparing for another hardcore semester. I really am excited but then again whenever I think of the many times I fell sick this year, the many times I thought of either giving up on my dream to obtain an MA degree or resigning from the present company where I have learned a LOT, sometimes I wonder where everything is headed to. This year life presented me with many paths, provided me with glimpses to many possible trajectories in my life as I am nearing 30 (and yet I still feel like a high school student... some people really don't change much).

I don't know how best to describe 2016, except that probably within this year that again, the mind expanded so much. In addition to that, I started to be a real social being, more social than I could ever have imagined. When before I used to do things alone, 2016 let me share some of life's moments with a special someone. (While I am tempted to again reminisce about the good and bad days, I will not. Not in this entry. I will reserve that for part 2 of my open letter.) When friends, especially male ones, used to reprimand me for being too cloistered, it is in 2016 when I finally let down my defenses. Those barbed wires limped, even the snipers became neglectful, the walls came tumbling down. (Two male friends, both who tried to get involved with me romantically, described my social defenses as such, that despite my warmth towards people, I really do not welcome anyone into my very private life.) And it was such an unforgettable experience because I matured socially and got to know about the opposite sex on a level other than mere friendship.

Probably due to my huge loss last year, I seemed to really have thrown everything to the winds this year. I joined strangers on a lecture expedition in Negros and learned a great deal about botany, wondering why the hell I didn't pursue it in college. (But then whenever I immerse in different disciplines I would often think that. Even so, my heart still belongs to languages. Such is the woe of a universalist, time and resources are the greatest hindrances so in the end, one shall content herself in having small bites of everything, like in a buffet.) The whole experience somehow made me ready for the year, a year marked by my return to the academe in the hope of finally getting an MA degree.

Mazu festivities in the streets

street play outside the Mazu Temple

I met relatives in Taiwan. Unlike our relatives here in PH, they were nice to me. They remind me of our relatives in HK who are so hospitable sometimes I felt like a prisoner because they always want to tag along with me wherever I go and I couldn't find enough me time. In Taiwan they only let me wander on my own for just four hours and I visited a temple and it was an auspicious day because they were celebrating the birthday of Mazu (天上聖母, Holy Heavenly Mother). I had to take care of my grandmother and also, people are always worried and I don't want them getting anxious. (But then they should know I can manage on my own. I speak fluent Mandarin and I am good at navigating new places. Sigh.) But I am thankful to them because they told me a lot of stories (my mom almost never tell stories about our relatives) and they treated me to a lot of wonderful food, foremost of which is the famous fragrant fried chicken sold in the sidewalks. YUM!

Wat Phra Mahathat in Ayutthaya, Thailand

The only other country I traveled to aside from Taiwan is Thailand. I booked my plane ticket following another episode of heartache and it was the day before I left for Baguio to join strangers on a hike to Mt. Ulap. I visited a former classmate A and was introduced to W. The three of us shared the same bed and it was a good thing I brought my sleeping bag with me so I didn't need a blanket and still retained my privacy somehow. The sleeping bag ate up half the space of my backpack so I was not able to shop around much which is a disgrace since most would go there to shop for clothes. I only bought a pair of Thai trousers and hankies. (#loser) But anyway, next time I go there, I'll have check-in luggage. HMP.

There just are too many things to do in Thailand and five days are not enough. I remember my former professors who told us about how images of the king are everywhere. Indeed they are, especially since King Bhumidol passed away in October this year. The plazas and monuments are always FULL of mourners in black. WOW! When I walked around Sriraj Hospital and visited some museums there, I discovered why. The king was instrumental in the rapid modernization of Thailand (and now TH surpasses PH in terms of infrastructure!!! They have a subway and an airport railway that's comparable to HK... I wanna cry)

2016 is also the time I finally got to go on solo trips to other places in Visayas aside from Bohol and Aklan. In addition to Negros, I visited Tacloban and Iloilo. Tacloban counts as my least favorite place to go to for the many bad experiences, except that trip also gave me sweet memories because he would always call me every night to check up on me. I almost drowned while bathing in a waterfalls; I didn't know there were deep parts. The horrors. I also hiked on my own, then guided by a kid mid-way who probably took pity on me. That hike resulted to a number of scars on my arms and legs which got office people panicking when they saw me with those scratches, and more so when I told them I went solo hiking. I got disappointed when arriving at Palo, the only heritage structure I saw was the church. I did visit Basey, Samar though and walking on San Juanico Bridge from Leyte to Samar was an experience I cannot forget. Little girl no more as I conquered my fears of crossing bridges on foot alone even though the structure was trembling every time vehicles would pass by. Also, this was my first time to rebook another ticket because I had to be at the office earlier than expected. My original plan of 10 days' leave was cut down to three, but it was all good because I badly wanted to go home already.

crossing San Juanico Bridge on foot

In Iloilo I attended a conference on history but quickly regretted doing so. Then again, my trip was not wasted because I finally saw my fourth baroque church here in PH. So there, I have now seen all four UNESCO heritage churches. So despite the heartaches and despite him not contacting me save for a few emails, I am happy to have achieved something significant this year. I cannot forget the people here in Iloilo. I should have accepted an invite years ago so I could have also visited Guimaras. When R comes back from Germany, I'll plan a trip there for us and hopefully go island hopping. I'll never forget the generous people here who took me in for two nights and even showed me around UP Miag-ao and dropped me off to my next destination which was two towns away or so. The least I could do was buy a tub of ice cream for the house owner's eldest who just turned 5. I was so heartbroken I wasn't thinking straight and before I could realize what I was doing, I said yes to an invitation to spend the night at a stranger's house. All I could think of was that there I was throwing my life to winds, as in a hardcore way.

Miag-ao Church in Iloilo, finally visited all four baroque churches included in the UNESCO heritage list

In Zamboanga City I was not able to wander around freely but then that special someone became sweet and took me on a motorcycle ride at night to see certain tourist spots like Fort Pilar and the City Hall which was made colorful at night because of its many lights. I am very thankful to him for driving me around so I guess one of my fantasies came true, which is to ride as a passenger on a motorcycle. I wish we could do that again, probably in Siquijor or maybe Masbate or Marinduque. Meeting his parents made me nervous but then his family was nice to me so I didn't have a hard time being with them. It's just that of course sometimes I am reminded of certain things and most of the time I wanted to cry but had to hold everything in. It helped that he was sweet while we were there and I will always cherish those moments we had.

Zamboanga Temple (a.k.a. Avalokiteshvara Temple)

In Zamboanga I met the friends of my mentor in historical research. Like her, they were all very friendly and amiable. One even told my fortunes, but I'm not telling anyone. She told me three things which are very true of me, and I didn't even drop hints of that when we were chatting. One thing that struck me was that she correctly said that I am suffering from chest pains and heartache. Okay, I really should try to meditate and calm down and not think about my love life too much. I read an article once that too much heartache can literally kill. Not now when my research has finally took off. Another important milestone is the discovery of a potential sanctuary where I can retire one day. The Buddhist Temple there looked inviting and it was my first time to attend a Buddhist mass while on a trip. (The other choice was a temple in Malabon where my dear great grandmother was cremated.) Unfortunately I wasn't able to visit a mosque. Boo.

Ipo Watershed

Where do broken hearts go? Probably drifting off to nowhere. Those times when I was so heartbroken I would join strangers and go hiking. Still depressed over our breakup in June, I signed up to participate in a tree-planting activity and story-telling engagement with the kids in Ipo Watershed. It was some sort of field trip for me and I got to know more about watersheds and how we can protect them. I also remember feeling like it's been years since I last saw the skies so blue. Following days of nonstop crying, the trip proved to be helpful in making me see the beauty of the world. The last few days of October, feeling betrayed and again depressed, I said yes to traverse Mt. Ulap. I invited a newfound friend whom I met during the tree-planting activity. A humble fellow who seemed to have easily warmed up to me. In one of our stops, I took the opportunity to lie down on the grass and savor the smell of the mountains in the north. Again, I was reminded of the beauty of the world.

Mt. Ulap traverse

2016 also marks the second time I showed Indonesian exchange students around. The National Museum had a free movie screening of the documentary "Call of Our Forefathers" and I invited them to watch with me. It was about Muslim Mindanao and I figured they might be interested. We had lunch at Robinsons Manila where I treated them to Vietnamese fare at Pho Bac. We also went to Solidaridad Bookstore and then were stuck in heavy traffic going to Makati only to head back to QC.

textile exhibit at the National Museum

In October, I watched dance performances at the Asian Center in UP. Pesta Igal was organized by a professor with whom I share the same interests. If I weren't too shy I would one day engage him in a conversation to talk about dances and ethnic music.

Pesta Igal

Another highlight this year is that I finally was able to push through with my first Ramadan experience. I have been telling myself to join our Muslim brothers and sisters for this and this year I succeeded. But I only did semi-fasting because I badly need water. For five weeks I fasted which coincided with my summer classes. It was difficult of course but eventually I got the hang of it. ON the last day though, I almost fainted in the school grounds. I had to take a leave to rest and rejuvenate. The heartache, sleepless nights, sudden fasting, stress at work, and depression all played a part in this. I badly wanted to just die and get over everything. For two months after that, my appetite was greatly reduced, much to the surprise of many.

In terms of skills, I leveled up a great deal again in Excel because of my new roles in the office. I also took Persian language lessons and I am proud to say that in class, I was the only one who could converse with our prof during the oral exam. I also finally took formal Japanese lessons and was often complimented by my profs because I sounded like a Japanese according to them. My many years of watching anime paid off. LOL. Except that I still have a long way to go (I think). A classmate in Japanese offered to teach me how to play the guitar and even connected me to a guitar seller so now I am a proud owner of one meant for performing. Except it will be a long time before I summon the courage to play in front of many people. So now I content myself with playing Chinese songs on it. Sad again because who else listens to the same songs I listen to? Sigh.

So I guess it's still a year well spent. Next year I will take extra good care of myself so that I won't get sick a lot. My sick leaves were greatly decimated this year and I am very unhappy about that. Above all dreams, above all ambitions, health should always be on top of one's priority lists. Also, I have to make sure I take special care of my heart. It's too fragile and the younger me did all she could to protect it, even build strong defenses against people. But I guess, being in love is the most essential human experience there is. It tests your will, your faith, your strength of character. I may just turn out to be one of the weakest persons alive in that department. But okay, deep breath, super deep breath. Here's to 2017!

Chicken Tiyula Itum

The day before Christmas, he finally fulfilled his promise to cook for me. (He had promised this many times, even on my birthday but that didn't materialize.) I wasn't in the know as to what he would prepare, but I had a strong feeling it would be chicken curry. We both love chicken and we both love spicy foods, including curry. (And somehow whenever I eat curry, I will always remember him...)

We went grocery-shopping together. We were supposed to buy the ingredients at the wet market but it was already noontime, too late. I chopped garlic and onions, sliced green bell peppers, and peeled and cut potatoes, while he marinated the chicken in charcoaled coconut and added spices like turmeric powder, pepper, Spanish paprika. Then he went out to but fresh coconut milk. I'm not too keen on using the one in can because I am too sensitive to tastes and canned coconut milk tastes like metal. So it was a good thing we were able to use the fresh one.

He first sauteed the garlic and onions in coconut oil and later on added olive oil which he found lying somewhere. LOL. It smelled really good. It's been a while since I last cooked at home because of my busy schedule and one of  my faves is the smell of sauteed onions and garlic. Yum!!! Enough to make me drool.

Once onions are caramelized, he put in the chicken and left it to simmer over medium heat.

Then, put in coconut milk. He told me that one has to keep on stirring when the coconut milk is poured in lest the milk coagulate.

He then added a knotted bunch of lemongrass. I instantly thought of tom yum. AT THIS POINT, I COULDN'T WAIT TO EAT!!! But then we had to wait until the meat is tender then we put in the potatoes and the sliced peppers. And wait some more. My stomach was already grumbling.

We had this simple meal of chicken tiyula itum and brown rice at around 2PM. YUM YUM YUM!!!

Notes:

1. Research where to buy burnt coconut meat. Then again, maybe I can do it on my own.

2. He says that when you cook, you must put in the right amount of salt. Because a bland cook is a bad spouse. (Which caused me to fantasize about being married to this guy who most times breaks my heart but then those few times he does things for me, I feel loved.)

3. To cook brown rice properly, rice to water ratio should be 1:1.5. That worked well because we got nicely cooked brown rice, not the extra dry one my sister makes because she wouldn't listen when I tell her she needs to put it more water. Hmp. @.@ (Okay, he really surprised me there. I thought he was just trying to impress when he told me before that he was a good cook. I, the [delusional] Cooking Master Girl, do not even know that [golden] ratio.)

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I wish we could do this more often instead of dining out which can really drain our wallets. This first time he cooked for me, just when I was feeling lonely because nobody fetched me at the airport when I came back from Thailand, I felt special for once, like I can be hopeful again that there's a future for the two of us. [But I dare not bring up the topic because he might just feel pressured again. So I will just write about my feelings. :( ]I was surprised to feel that way, because I have been travelling  by myself for years and I am used to going to the airport and coming home all by myself with no need of people to fetch me. But then, when you arrive in Manila on a December day, you will see other passengers being fetched by families. It's the holiday season, I forgot. I'm just not so into the season because I see it as just another marketing ploy towards consumerism. Mental note to self: never travel by plane in December.

Dear Love (Part 1)

To you who break my heart,

This is the first of the many letters that I planned to write. My writing somehow proved inutile when it didn't do anything to heal my heart, this heart that you broke numerous times, this heart that you played with and continued to toy with. And it was stupid of me to still hang on to you, because I believed, despite everything, that you loved me, too. But slowly as things begin to unfold, I am beginning to realize that I have been a fool and that being a fool for you can never be worth it.

I remember the feeling of happiness that swept through me in March and April. Two months of happiness, of love and trust. Two months of hearty laughter, of full trust and devotion and suddenly everything was lost. After that came almost eight months of pain, eight freaking months of emotional torture. They were right to describe love as a hurricane; it arrives at your doorstep and leaves behind much destruction.

Until this day, I cannot believe what a fool I was for letting you do what you did to me. I could have easily walked out of the door and many times I attempted, you would say things that would make me change my mind. I never liked guys, I never wanted to trust them. To me they are all cheaters, chauvinist, self-centered beings who are, in a nutshell, just like hurricanes, powerful and destructive. But whatever made me hang on, whatever made me decide to stay even though you attempted to break up and I think you did, implicitly, but still continue to see me from time to time, whatever that is that caused me so much pain 2/3 of this year, I do not know. Call it foolishness, call it audacity. Call it naivete, call it innocence. Laugh all you want, for bringing down this girl's defenses and finally making her cry not just once, but almost every single day that passes after that unforgettable day in May when, walking to the jeepney stop after a late-night dinner you told me something in your past that got me crying for two straight days. That was the start. Some days I would feel like I have finally moved on, but most days I felt this anger at you, anger at myself.

Do you remember those first few dates? Biking, reading together, jogging, eating, watching movies, or simply hanging out talking about politics, life, dreams, the future. I was slowly falling in love with you without knowing it. I admired your sense of discipline, I admired how tough you were when you faced the challenges that came your way. I came to like the way you talk, the way your eyes would sparkle when you felt proud of yourself, the animated manner in which you would narrate stories of your training... I adored every bit about you. I did not know you were not in love although you acted as if you were when you put your arms around me in a protective manner and when you held my hands in the jeep or bus. Or maybe you were, but all were gone too soon when you started pushing me away, when you started criticizing every little thing I do or say or dream about. One day I ignored you with a heavy heart, because in my mind, if you did not want me in your life, then I would be the one to create that much-needed distance. But you chased after me, consoled me, made me feel loved again. Then the cycle, that ugly vicious cycle.

So when you expressed your wish to break up with me, I already knew about it. Prior to that, I have been crying because I could already see where everything was headed to. You can create all sorts of excuses, you are free to do so, but do not make it seem like we were victims of circumstances. You said so yourself at the start, that you did not want to hurt me, that you did not create all these situations if it would only hurt me. Nice thoughtful words but actions speak louder and shortly after, tears have flowed incessantly.

But even then, I allowed myself to fall harder for you. I still looked forward to attending class hoping that you would be waiting for me after because that was what you did on the first day. I thought we had broken up. And many times after that, you would ask me to go out with you, leaving me utterly confused and yet I still chose to trust you. Simply because when we were still exclusive you would always tell me that you trust me. But this is one of my many mistakes. You are not me. Yet the rare times I would see you sitting on the waiting lounge reading while you wait for me, you wearing your eyeglasses and with shaven head, my heart would always skip a beat and something inside hurt, so much I wanted to cry but whenever I was with you I was filled with such happiness it took me long to realize that that was just temporary.

I have been making excuses for you, like "Oh, he's just busy", or "He's just frustrated with his life" or "He's just pressured". But those times when you do not make your presence felt and I learned you were "busy" with other people, with your office mates even, whom you see everyday and yet they still occupy your weekends when I thought you were busy with duties and homework, those times you made me feel insignificant. You made me feel as if I didn't matter. You made me feel unwelcome in your life. Again, I felt like a fool for defending you when in fact you were out there in the company of others. I would never demand that you spend all of your free time with me. I realized I really do not know you after all.

Too many skeletons inside your closet. Too many layers that need to be unmasked. Are you so broken that you need all those walls? I really am jealous of your exes even though I know I should not be (because hello, I am the Moon Goddess incarnate @.@ but then I traded my divinity for human love. What a fool...). When you tell me about them, what you did for them, what your family did for them, I often wonder if you would do the same for me or if you were so hurt you are now being overly cautious because you think I am like them. (Like, ewww it's so insulting! Never ever compare me to loose women who go around drinking and crashing in a stranger's bedroom, etc.) So they got the best of you, I unfortunately got the worst of you. Maybe I was also at fault. When I knew that, I should have stopped seeing you because it's clear you prefer those kind, not simple old-fashioned me. (I am not being morally condescending. To each his own. My point is, I may not be really what you prefer in a girl given the kind of woman you planned to marry.) And so again, super stupid. Is there no end to my foolishness?

Only I promised you something. And I am the type of person who stays true to her promise no matter what, no matter how difficult. (And that's why I seldom make promises, I prefer to just do things for people lest I end up disappointing them. Apparently, it's very very rare to find another person who can hold his principles to death.) So think things through. You always say you are pressured, even though there were already far too many compromises from my part, and too many concessions for you, even though I made sure I create a safe place for you by my side... or maybe they're still not enough? When I have been exerting efforts trying to rebuild what we have, you kept on instilling fear and doubts in me. Mind games. I often forget that you are an expert tactician (even though it's funny you fail to recognize who can do you good and who can do you harm). I still do not know where I stand in your life even though you drop hints here and there, it's not enough. I need explicit answers. I hate ambiguities. I don't need half-baked relationships. I certainly do not need to know your intentions because those are just intentions, without actual results. (Funny how you said before that you only had good intentions towards me... I wonder if that still holds true when you refuse to meet my family and I feel guilty because I cannot talk about you at home. My mom would not hear me out, all she says is, "let him visit here", and I am torn. I know they think badly of me and I do not want that. I understand where they are coming from. You are not a girl, so you wouldn't understand what I am going through. But think of your sister, or your close female cousin. When they go out with someone, wouldn't you feel the need to know whom they go out with? Again, my fault for still entertaining you despite this setup that feels like betraying my own family, the people whom I grew up with.)

So I guess this time it's you who should make the effort. I have adjusted far too much. Funny how this stupid girl, despite her foolishness, can be full of courage as to enter the den of lions again and again and again, each time leaving a part of her heart behind that I am afraid there will come a time when her heart will be so consumed that she will walk on this world without life, without hope, without faith, without love.

I wish I were selfish sometimes. It will do me a lot of good. People have always been taking advantage of the goodness of this world. Yet I remember those rare lights that should endure burning. :(

I should start writing the draft of my novel soon. If heavens' will be done, in two years' time I will transition to a new life. Whether you will be part of that or not remains to be seen. Your call now if you want me in your life when you keep on pushing me away because you do not even know what you want. In the meantime, I will do all I can to be a better person while I wait for that someone who can handle me, who can respect and love and care for me, who can be true and faithful to me, who can accept me for who I am, who will never belittle my dreams, who will never doubt my capabilities, who will never compare me to others (because frankly, it's insulting).

So there... more rants to come because I am close to the point of exploding. What my parents see in me is true, I have far more courage than most people, even compared to men. But as if cursed, that courage also brings pain and suffering.

Hmph.