 |
| From |
This image is not mine.
Numbed and confused.
So all this waiting is for nothing?
No words can fully capture how I feel now. I only want to visit my sanctuary and be consoled by a soft gentle wind.
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Monday, March 26, 2012
A Broken Heart
This image is not mine.
Numbed and confused.
So all this waiting is for nothing?
No words can fully capture how I feel now. I only want to visit my sanctuary and be consoled by a soft gentle wind.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Problema sa Ulan
Kanina pagkalabas sa trabaho ay kapansin-pansin ang makulimlim na langit. Hindi ko masyadong binigyang-pansin subalit nakisakay ang mood ko sa lagay ng panahon at napaisip na naman muli ng mga bagay-bagay na dapat ay isinasaisantabi na. Naisip ko ang maraming estudyanteng dumaan sa akin na siguradong mamimiss ko. Naisip ko ang dalawang buwan na paghuhukay at iniisip ko kung kakayanin ko ba dahil pagbalik ko ay siguradong balik na naman ako sa paghahanap ng trabaho. Kung sakali mang wala, nariyan naman ang aking pribadong aklatan para tulungan akong magpalipas ng oras. Nariyan din ang isang katerbak na DVDs na hindi ko pa napapanood.
Pagbaba ng bus ay agad na sumakay ako ng jeep. Tamang tama lang na pagkaupo ko ay biglang bumuhos ang malakas na ulan. Bago pa ito ay umaambon-ambon na. Medyo kakaiba ang pagbagsak ng ulan kanina. Naka-slant ang pagbagsak ng mga 50 degrees mula sa lupa. Minsan lang ako makakita ng ganito.
At wala pang sampung minuto ay nakita ko na ang paligid na puno ng tubig-ulan na may tangay na mga basura. Muli ay napaisip ako kung bakit ganito ang mga tao, walang pakialam sa kapaligiran, kung saan saan nagtatapon ng mga basura. Kahit na ilang beses na tayong nabiktima ng bagyo ay wala pa rin tayong kadala-dala. Laganap pa rin ang kawalan ng disiplina. Bukod pa rito, mukhang obsessed tayo sa paggawa ng sementadong mga kalsada. Naisip ko tuloy, kaya siguro gustong gusto ng mga nasa katungkulan ang pagpapagawa ng mga daan ay para magkaroon ng oportunidad para mangurakot. Tiyak ay malaki ang nakukuha nila sa mga obras publicas. Ang masama lang, ni wala nang tagasipsip ng tubig ulan. Barado ang mga canal dahil sa mga basura at ang lupa ay puro sinementuhan. Malamang magbabaha talaga kahit na sandalian lang ang ulan.
Nang tumawid ako sa overpass ay napaisip muli ako sa isang problema sa mga overpass. Wala man lang kahit maliliit na butas para ma-drain ang tubig-ulan. Baha tuloy sa itaas. Bakit kaya ganun? Parang hindi pinag-iisipan ang mga bagay-bagay bago gawin? Nakakainis na talaga.
Gustong gusto ko talaga kapag umuulan. Ang malamig na hangin ay nakatutulong maagtanggal ng stress lalo na't naghahabol ako ng requirement. Ang amoy ng hangin, na singaw ng lupa, ay isang kakaibang amoy na minahal ko rin. Gusto ko ang amoy lupa na hangin sa tuwing umuulan. Pero kapag nakikita ko ang kapabayaan ng mga tao na lumalabas lamang kapag may ulan, naiinis ako. Minsan ay iniisip kong, kung umulan kaya nang grabe at bahain ang buong Metro Manila? Magtatanda na kaya ang mga tao?
Friday, March 23, 2012
Warcraft and Final Fantasy VII
Today after a few minutes of working on my paper, I had a long break. I played Final Fantasy VII for a while. It's my first time to play a Playstation game on my laptop via EPSXE so I'm still trying to figure out how the application works. It feels weird not to hold a controller. I had to condition my mind and to tell myself repeatedly that this is not a Playstation game, otherwise I'd have a hard time adjusting to the change in control devices.
Then a few minutes of paper. Yes, just a few minutes. I have a strange habit of doing different tasks in one sitting. Doesn't mean though that I do everything at once. It's just that I need t shift from one task to another because I have very short attention span.
After adding a paragraph to my paper, I tried Warcraft on my laptop. It's my first time to play that game on a laptop. It seems my laptop is too old for such games. It fainted on me. I had to restart the machine and then resume my work. Then after a few minutes, I itched to play Warcraft again and my laptop fainted again. That was it, I told myself. I need a gamer's laptop soon. Prob is, I will be out of job for two months because I will be joining an excavation. My new laptop will have to wait.
For now my biggest concern is my paper. I am almost done with the RRL. Hopefully tomorrow I will start writing the main body.
Then a few minutes of paper. Yes, just a few minutes. I have a strange habit of doing different tasks in one sitting. Doesn't mean though that I do everything at once. It's just that I need t shift from one task to another because I have very short attention span.
After adding a paragraph to my paper, I tried Warcraft on my laptop. It's my first time to play that game on a laptop. It seems my laptop is too old for such games. It fainted on me. I had to restart the machine and then resume my work. Then after a few minutes, I itched to play Warcraft again and my laptop fainted again. That was it, I told myself. I need a gamer's laptop soon. Prob is, I will be out of job for two months because I will be joining an excavation. My new laptop will have to wait.
For now my biggest concern is my paper. I am almost done with the RRL. Hopefully tomorrow I will start writing the main body.
In Preparation for Graduation
March is about to end and here I am racing against time to finish one final paper which I should have submitted a year ago. I initially planned to drop the idea of submitting this paper since it is just for a filler course which will not be credited anyway. Besides, I already have completed all the required courses for me to graduate this summer. On second thought, being a pursuer of honor and excellence, I took this up as a challenge. I thought to myself, not only will the research yield more knowledge, the process of writing the paper itself shall serve as an exercise again. Besides, I have already presented my data to members of our small community last month and I only lack this paper to complete the requirements for the course.
Moreover, very few archaeologists tackle public archaeology since it is definitely NOT one of the macho aspects of the discipline. Since my first year as an archaeology student, I have been interested in the relationship between archaeologists and the pubic, having seen that most scholars lock themselves up in ivory towers and very seldom publish their research for the lay person. I think this view of mine stems from my criticism of scientists in general for their works which are unintelligible to the common man. And that's why for the third time, I am doing a paper on public archaeology. (The first is a paper on fringe archaeology when I was a freshman. The second was a report on the practice of public archaeology in our field school. This time, my paper is on the representation of the archaeologist in media which are gaining an increased following in the world, and most especially here in my country.)
I know that many will criticize my paper for its "irrelevance" to archaeology. In fact, back during my undergraduate years, when I wrote a paper on hoaxes in archaeology, my professor noted "This is not an archaeological paper." Back then, I should have argued that it IS because somehow it is an issue that we archaeologists have to consider because it affects the discipline's integrity and over-all impressions of archaeologists by ordinary people. Still, I respect his processual views since analysis and scientific experiments are indispensable in our discipline.
These days, my thoughts are focused on many things. For instance, since summer is here, I am more than excited to venture out in the field, wield my trowel and scrape the earth again. I also miss recording what we have unearthed. I miss drawing and describing features. I miss accessioning artifacts. I miss the fresh air in the countryside, as well as the very simple life there. I miss sleeping in a tent. And of course, I miss the simple food in the barrio--- veggies and fish in particular. So yesterday I bought my own sleeping bag. Today I made a checklist of what to bring for this season's excavation. Trowels, measuring tapes, line level, plumb bob, nylon rope, paint brushes, root-cutter, notebooks, etc. Aside from toiletries, I need to buy a 40L backpack and a camping tent.
And since for two years I have missed out a lot on reading fiction, anime, manga, and games, lately I have begun to go back to my normal self despite the many tasks that I still need to attend to. For instance, this semester I read Kolian Huaying (Flower Shadows behind Curtains), the sequel to Chinpingmei (Plum in the Golden Vase). I also read Jinghuayuan (Flowers in the Mirror). From the titles, any one with an interest in Buddhism is sure to find that these two tackle Buddhist principles. In fact, the common theme in these two is the concept of karma and reincarnation, as well as the renunciation of earthly desires for the attainment of enlightenment, though the latter has touches of Popular Taoist magic in it.
The past few days saw me reading One Piece manga, too. After my paper, I'm going back to reading Hitman Reborn since it's been years since I last read that series. When in need of serious relaxation, I watch movies and contemplate on the message as well as marvel at the styles and techniques of the director in creating the movie.
Since last month, my students have expressed their excitement and eagerness to graduate. As their teacher, I am happy for them not only because we will be graduating this summer but also because I have seen how they struggle and how they bravely face the challenges before them. I still am awed at how they managed to pass my subject given that I do not give easy exams and quizzes. They really are an inspiration and I am proud to have them as my students. For that, they will certainly occupy a special place in my heart.
So anyway, all these thoughts on graduation are not really the central focus of my attention. Just like when I graduated from college two years ago, I was indifferent to it. It's just another time marker for me. But the hell, looking back at how I worked so hard and how much I learned not just within the four walls of the classroom, but also in my interaction with different kinds of people and different kinds of situations, I cannot help but ponder on the infinite potentials of the human will to create and to endure. As I reflect back on those times when I would complain of sleepless nights but still bring myself to finish the required tasks, I cannot help but heave a sigh and smile. Those were not just in pursuit of high grades nor recognition. Far be it from me to chase after fame and fortune. Those times are the best because they remind me of the things that I can do and the things that have left me a sense of achievement and fulfillment at the end of a difficult day. And with so much memories of my hard work and extreme perseverance, I build the foundation for the future me to be proud of.
Moreover, very few archaeologists tackle public archaeology since it is definitely NOT one of the macho aspects of the discipline. Since my first year as an archaeology student, I have been interested in the relationship between archaeologists and the pubic, having seen that most scholars lock themselves up in ivory towers and very seldom publish their research for the lay person. I think this view of mine stems from my criticism of scientists in general for their works which are unintelligible to the common man. And that's why for the third time, I am doing a paper on public archaeology. (The first is a paper on fringe archaeology when I was a freshman. The second was a report on the practice of public archaeology in our field school. This time, my paper is on the representation of the archaeologist in media which are gaining an increased following in the world, and most especially here in my country.)
I know that many will criticize my paper for its "irrelevance" to archaeology. In fact, back during my undergraduate years, when I wrote a paper on hoaxes in archaeology, my professor noted "This is not an archaeological paper." Back then, I should have argued that it IS because somehow it is an issue that we archaeologists have to consider because it affects the discipline's integrity and over-all impressions of archaeologists by ordinary people. Still, I respect his processual views since analysis and scientific experiments are indispensable in our discipline.
These days, my thoughts are focused on many things. For instance, since summer is here, I am more than excited to venture out in the field, wield my trowel and scrape the earth again. I also miss recording what we have unearthed. I miss drawing and describing features. I miss accessioning artifacts. I miss the fresh air in the countryside, as well as the very simple life there. I miss sleeping in a tent. And of course, I miss the simple food in the barrio--- veggies and fish in particular. So yesterday I bought my own sleeping bag. Today I made a checklist of what to bring for this season's excavation. Trowels, measuring tapes, line level, plumb bob, nylon rope, paint brushes, root-cutter, notebooks, etc. Aside from toiletries, I need to buy a 40L backpack and a camping tent.
And since for two years I have missed out a lot on reading fiction, anime, manga, and games, lately I have begun to go back to my normal self despite the many tasks that I still need to attend to. For instance, this semester I read Kolian Huaying (Flower Shadows behind Curtains), the sequel to Chinpingmei (Plum in the Golden Vase). I also read Jinghuayuan (Flowers in the Mirror). From the titles, any one with an interest in Buddhism is sure to find that these two tackle Buddhist principles. In fact, the common theme in these two is the concept of karma and reincarnation, as well as the renunciation of earthly desires for the attainment of enlightenment, though the latter has touches of Popular Taoist magic in it.
The past few days saw me reading One Piece manga, too. After my paper, I'm going back to reading Hitman Reborn since it's been years since I last read that series. When in need of serious relaxation, I watch movies and contemplate on the message as well as marvel at the styles and techniques of the director in creating the movie.
Since last month, my students have expressed their excitement and eagerness to graduate. As their teacher, I am happy for them not only because we will be graduating this summer but also because I have seen how they struggle and how they bravely face the challenges before them. I still am awed at how they managed to pass my subject given that I do not give easy exams and quizzes. They really are an inspiration and I am proud to have them as my students. For that, they will certainly occupy a special place in my heart.
So anyway, all these thoughts on graduation are not really the central focus of my attention. Just like when I graduated from college two years ago, I was indifferent to it. It's just another time marker for me. But the hell, looking back at how I worked so hard and how much I learned not just within the four walls of the classroom, but also in my interaction with different kinds of people and different kinds of situations, I cannot help but ponder on the infinite potentials of the human will to create and to endure. As I reflect back on those times when I would complain of sleepless nights but still bring myself to finish the required tasks, I cannot help but heave a sigh and smile. Those were not just in pursuit of high grades nor recognition. Far be it from me to chase after fame and fortune. Those times are the best because they remind me of the things that I can do and the things that have left me a sense of achievement and fulfillment at the end of a difficult day. And with so much memories of my hard work and extreme perseverance, I build the foundation for the future me to be proud of.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Companions for Emoing: A1
Most friends of mine are in utter disbelief whenever I tell them that I actually am an emo, that one of my hobbies is emoing, that is, channeling my romantic ego and going on a trip down memory lane mixed with fantasized versions of what really happened. And yes I am cheerfully bubbly, but I also am a very sentimental being frequently visited by episodes of nostalgia, childhood dreams, and visions of future possibilities.
Yesterday, while on a bus, I was treated to some of the best songs of the late 90s. Songs by A1 were alternately played, which included old favorites like Heaven by Your Side, Like a Rose, and One Last Song. It's one of those moments when I think of not going off a public transport just to listen to the songs being played. (It seems I really should buy my own MP3 player so that I can listen to my type of music anytime anywhere. On second thought though, I want every emo moment to be sacred, to be a surprise, to be that rare moment where I get into a pensive mood ponder on random things. So maybe I shouldn't buy one, after all. And thinking of the cost of an MP3 player is sure to make me change my mind since I'm having financial problems at the moment again.)
Heaven by Your Side is perhaps something that will become my theme song if ever one day I will be lucky enough to procure a boyfriend of my own. It's always the case that the person I like also likes me, but as if cursed or what, nothing goes past mere crushes. But if ever my wish of having a decent love life be granted, I do believe that the Fates shall be playing this song for me, with special focus on the part with the ff. lyrics:
Listening to these songs lets me envision a possibility of having a romantic relationship with someone special. Perhaps, that special someone, whoever he may be, will treat me "like a rose" who will "give me room to grow", who will "shine the light of love on me", "give me air so I can breath" and will "open doors I closed in a world where anything goes". Most importantly he will "give me strength so I stand tall" as I face the challenges of life with his support and love.
For some reasons, Like a Rose reminds me of an episode in the first chapter of my favorite novel Hongloumeng (Dream of the Red Chambers) where the Celestial Herb is resuscitated by a previous incarnation of Baoyu and thus promises to repay him a lifetime of tears when it is reincarnated as Lin Daiyu. I always think of that particular episode, though not thoroughly detailed in the novel, I imagine what could have happened as the Celestial Herb is given the strength to carry on. And for its very rich imagery of a nurturing partner, this song has become of my favorites.
But good things come to an end. Even a seemingly perfect relationship can be ended as soon as it started. Sometimes, even if you love a person so much, you will have to let him go. Sometimes, when loving that much to the point of breaking, you can't help but feel desperate and struggle to keep your beloved by your side. But in the end, you will choose to set him free, not because you don't love him anymore, but because you know that he'll be happy that way, even when it hurts, even when it's hard.
This stanza reminds me that one day a romantic relationship may be over in the blink of an eye. It is a reminder that nothing is permanent, everything is in flux. And more so feelings, for they come and go. When they go, sometimes they return, but most times, they do not. Or it's too late when they do.
Yesterday, while on a bus, I was treated to some of the best songs of the late 90s. Songs by A1 were alternately played, which included old favorites like Heaven by Your Side, Like a Rose, and One Last Song. It's one of those moments when I think of not going off a public transport just to listen to the songs being played. (It seems I really should buy my own MP3 player so that I can listen to my type of music anytime anywhere. On second thought though, I want every emo moment to be sacred, to be a surprise, to be that rare moment where I get into a pensive mood ponder on random things. So maybe I shouldn't buy one, after all. And thinking of the cost of an MP3 player is sure to make me change my mind since I'm having financial problems at the moment again.)
Heaven by Your Side is perhaps something that will become my theme song if ever one day I will be lucky enough to procure a boyfriend of my own. It's always the case that the person I like also likes me, but as if cursed or what, nothing goes past mere crushes. But if ever my wish of having a decent love life be granted, I do believe that the Fates shall be playing this song for me, with special focus on the part with the ff. lyrics:
"Now my life is blessed with the love of an angel
How can it be true?
Somebody who keeps dreams alive
a dream I found in you.
I always thought that love could be the strangest thing to me,
but when we touch, I realize,
that I found my place in heaven by your side."
Listening to these songs lets me envision a possibility of having a romantic relationship with someone special. Perhaps, that special someone, whoever he may be, will treat me "like a rose" who will "give me room to grow", who will "shine the light of love on me", "give me air so I can breath" and will "open doors I closed in a world where anything goes". Most importantly he will "give me strength so I stand tall" as I face the challenges of life with his support and love.
For some reasons, Like a Rose reminds me of an episode in the first chapter of my favorite novel Hongloumeng (Dream of the Red Chambers) where the Celestial Herb is resuscitated by a previous incarnation of Baoyu and thus promises to repay him a lifetime of tears when it is reincarnated as Lin Daiyu. I always think of that particular episode, though not thoroughly detailed in the novel, I imagine what could have happened as the Celestial Herb is given the strength to carry on. And for its very rich imagery of a nurturing partner, this song has become of my favorites.
But good things come to an end. Even a seemingly perfect relationship can be ended as soon as it started. Sometimes, even if you love a person so much, you will have to let him go. Sometimes, when loving that much to the point of breaking, you can't help but feel desperate and struggle to keep your beloved by your side. But in the end, you will choose to set him free, not because you don't love him anymore, but because you know that he'll be happy that way, even when it hurts, even when it's hard.
"Let me ask time has passed
Do you feel this could last
If you don't, why then stay?
Take your wings, fly away.
I love you way too much
To wanna be the one who brings you down."
This stanza reminds me that one day a romantic relationship may be over in the blink of an eye. It is a reminder that nothing is permanent, everything is in flux. And more so feelings, for they come and go. When they go, sometimes they return, but most times, they do not. Or it's too late when they do.