Lately, I’m having great difficulty focusing in class. There are times when I find myself so utterly lost in thoughts while staring blankly at the prof. I may look like an attentive student but yeah, I am, but only for the first few minutes and then poof goes my short attention span.
The problem is that I’m an adult now but I still haven’t overcome my childish habits. I’m supposed to have already acquired a longer duration of tolerance for anything but just the same, the only thing that remains unchanged through the passage of time is my love for books and anime. As when I was in elementary and in high school, I’m still the overly aggressive or the sometimes overly passive student; the sometimes all too haughty and sometimes clammed up student; the sometimes extremely cheerful and sometimes oh-so-depressed person; the sometimes loving and oftentimes rebellious daughter. Oh the moods and the hormones and everything! How long should I be with all these? It seems like my moods are so totally on the high extremes though my rationality still resides in moderation.
My mind’s in chaos. I think you’ve already noticed by now that this isn’t about not being able to be mentally present in class, nor is this about the extremities of my moods. This is about, well, whatever’s on my mind at the moment. I feel like I’m breaking apart.
Lots of people irritate me. All of them, actually, save those whose sincerity I can feel even at a distance. I’ve become a completely indifferent person, so far from the image I used to project when I was in high school. They say life’s a cycle. I believe it now. I’m back to being the self-centered cynic. I now am the world’s greatest whiner, lamenting the gradual loss of goodness in today’s generation and the hopelessness I feel for the fate of the world. Everywhere, people are just too obsessed with the latest gadget, totally ignoring the real world out there, not giving a damn care about other people’s plight. I’m in no position to preach indifference since I am one of those many heartless and cruel beings who disguise themselves as humans. I, too, am guilty of contributing darkness to the world.
I’ve lost every spark of hope I once had in my heart. This coldness and emptiness must be due to the fact that it has been ages since I last opened my Bible. I was so preoccupied with worldly pleasures and sinful leisure. Let it be known, however, that I don’t drink, do drugs, engage in sex, or whatever vices that would surely break a parent’s heart. By worldly pleasures, I mean, with books, anime, internet, manga. There can never be rest, I know, if I stick to these stuffs, but it’s still hard for me to let go. It’s an addiction without limits.
My mind’s still in chaos. Bits of information about anything constitute every neuron in my brain. But will these be able to save me from the darkness I’ve become? (Gosh, it sounds like one of Evanescence’s songs. Even in this present state, I still manage to throw in a joke or two, what dull humor.) Seriously, I don’t know why I give in to my desires. Now they have made me like Sunako. My greatest enemy’s now the sun for scorching my delicate skin be I daytime or in the afternoon. Thus the need for me to always bring an umbrella.
AAAAARRRGH!!! Now comes the frustration. If I don’t fix my life now, God knows what will become of me in the years to come. I’ve never felt so lost than now at present. I’ve always believed that I lived in the past because I love reminiscing even the most distant of memories, but I’ve come to realize that I also live in the future, always looking as far as I can, even squinting to see the far future and then getting all frustrated when the future I’ve imagined is not realized. So many regrets, so many anxieties. I hate this. I don’t live in the present. Melo’s living in the future, Dina’s in the past. Where shall I stand? The amalgamation is so lost while at the present.
New mantra: I was, I am, I will be. Have faith in the future, in myself and most of all, in God. I forgive myself, for my misdeeds, my failures, my deficiencies. I am only human. Why must I destroy myself just to be disillusioned that I’ve reached perfection?
I will turn 20 in just a few days. I will change. I am a mutable being, capable of change, capable of accepting changes.
for Miracle's friends, Miracle's family and Miracle's online buddies
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