"Ended" Story

For quite a while, whenever we have a petty fight, Yuna Ito's "Endless Story" automatically plays in my mind. Like, whenever I would think that maybe finally he changed his mind about being with me, then it would be the end of our story. He has salvaged our relationship many times and I could feel that in the way he would find time to be with me especially when I worry too much. Because once I move on, there is really no turning back. I have done this countless times to people who took me for granted and it shocked them that sweet Melo can be capable of such coldness. It is not coldness, it is respecting yourself enough to walk away from people  who do not and cannot reciprocate the good that I share with them. In this world of more than seven billion people, I believe that when you find one good person, you must treasure him/her.

"If you haven't changed your mind, I want you to be by my side tonight. I'm tired of trying to be strong and I am too immature. Every time I think about you baby. Now I am saying this: "I miss you". It's so hard to say that I'm sorry. I want to sing this song only to you and not to just anyone. It's an endless story which will continue to shine always. I want to tell you, forever.

"Memories of our time together, don't erase them, don't go away. Just let them melt away. I will be sure these tender drops spread to all parts of my heart. I miss you so much to the point of hurting. Don't let go of our overlapping hands. If one of wishes can be granted, I wish to be able to sing this song for you, an endless story filled with endless love. Tell me why, tell me, always forever."

Two days prior to sending the le-go email, I watched 5 Centimeter Per Second, an animated Japanese movie that got me crying until the following day while at work. Something in the movie tugged at my heartstrings, like how Tohno did not keep in touch so he had to bear all the pain of not being with Akari, how their childhood memories continue to haunt and torment him even after so many years have passed.

"I always end up looking for your smile, to appear somewhere

At the railroad crossing, waiting for the express to pass

Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place

If our lives could be repeated, I would be at your side every time

I would want nothing else

Besides you, nothing else matters" 

(trans. probably by the one who posted the video on YT)

But I really should stop hoping for things to be better. As he said, I was the one letting go. Now I am experiencing my first difficult heartbreak and I do not know how to handle it, do not know if I am handling it well. As when I was in Taiwan in the midst of our getting to know each other, I was stupidly hoping we'd somehow bump into each other then. Even though I know it is next to impossible because he cannot travel abroad. When Yamazaki's song played at the end of the movie, my heart was ripped to shreds. I wonder if he thought of me in the same way Tohno always thought of Akari? I wonder if he also misses me to the point that he also searches for me even in places where he knows I will not be in.

Time to grow up and face the cold reality.

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Crying while typing and listening to "One More Time, One More Chance". But I guess once words are exchanged, one can never bring them back. I bet he'll just laugh if ever he chances upon this post. Silly girl. All the drama. All the things he hated in me. I wonder if there will come a time when I won't be hoping for another "One More Time, One More Chance", when I finally move on like Akari. I guess it's pointless to ask these questions when he himself has repeatedly told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Let time flow and let hearts be healed in their time.