Last night as well as the night before, I saw him in my dream. He was one of my ex-crushes, a boy whom I knew to be quiet, reserved, gentle, calm, and yet can joke every now and then. He was one of the very few who spoke to me when I was a new student in school. And for that I guess I must have liked him. We were classmates until we finished high school.
Many times I would overhear him saying to his friend (a boy who was friendly with me, too) that I was too boyish because I ran around a lot, stood up to teachers, slept in class, and did things "normal" girls usually do not do (and because I am embarrassed about those, I won't mention them here).
I guess I must have liked this guy. He was my opposite. Whereas I was loud, passionate, impulsive, and hyper, he was quiet, calm, thoughtful, and cool. Everytime we talk about Doraemon or Detective Conan, I was happy. He even lent me some of his comic books. He was a great guy. I wish I had established contact with him even after graduation. Now that he appears in my dreams, there's only this longing to talk to him again and perhaps, laugh about bygone days.
So now I find myself looking for him on Facebook. In the process I thought of my other girl friends in Chinese class. Despite my oddly rude behavior, I was lucky to have been friends with them. I guess they helped me mellow down a bit. It is thanks to them, to people who dare break the many barriers I have set up to protect myself, that I learn little by little what relationships mean. From them, many lessons are learned. One, it is okay to get hurt, just focus on happy times. Two, one can never be truly lonely.
I guess the reason why I broke ties with my high school friends after graduation was because I was too cowardly to accept the painful partings. I have gotten used to people whom I knew to be good people and I could foresee then that if I were to be left behind by these people, the pain would be unbearable. I guess I didn't knew then what TRUST means, and neither have I thought that indeed if they left me then maybe they weren't as good as I have known them to be. My ego, that pride that have caused broken relationships, told me to be the one to leave. Because one day everyone will go away anyway.
In college, two of my Chinese friends still tried to get in touch with me. I was touched. But when I changed my number and failed to save theirs, it was the end. That was also the day when people from my high school life were totally incapable of reaching me. Only a handful knew of my new number. Instead of being happy about it later on, I found myself in sadness. I would browse through the letters and read them all over and over again, just to relieve my high school memories. I was happy then. People often commented at how cheerful I was. It all changed in college when I found great difficulty in relating with people from different backgrounds. I realized I threw away the chance to be with good people.
Late last year, I swore to protect relationships from now on. I also promised myself that I would try to reconnect with people who mattered to me, who can keep my feet back on the ground, who can uplift my spirits and perhaps, help me go back to being the cheerful girl that I once was.
Leafing through our graduation book, memories filled my mind. Is this Easter's promise? Liberation from a painful past, liberation from my sins, liberation from my own wrongdoing. But memories are not enough. I want to cast away my pride and express my gratitude to people who have been good to me, who may unknowingly kept me from being too sad.
One day I wish to find myself walking under the night sky with a smile in my heart. I wish one day as I glance down from the overpass and see the multitude of lights, regrets will be replaced by forgiveness. Because in a world inhabited by billions, fates made me cross paths with wonderful people. The past cannot be changed, I can only look forward at the future with an optimistic heart. And especially that 1 kilometer walk I take, I wish that one day, as I glance up at the trains that come and go, the sadness will be replaced my happiness. Because people have a choice to stop by and express kindness to a lost child or to continue walking and ignoring needy people, but I'm glad and I'm lucky that many have stopped and smiled at me.
So now instead of being depressed, I ought to smile. I know that people who are used to seeing my cheerful side would not be too happy to see me depressed. Maybe I ought to smile more, especially when I am alone, because it is then that I can be one with my cherished memories with my cherished people.
Happy Easter!
Many times I would overhear him saying to his friend (a boy who was friendly with me, too) that I was too boyish because I ran around a lot, stood up to teachers, slept in class, and did things "normal" girls usually do not do (and because I am embarrassed about those, I won't mention them here).
I guess I must have liked this guy. He was my opposite. Whereas I was loud, passionate, impulsive, and hyper, he was quiet, calm, thoughtful, and cool. Everytime we talk about Doraemon or Detective Conan, I was happy. He even lent me some of his comic books. He was a great guy. I wish I had established contact with him even after graduation. Now that he appears in my dreams, there's only this longing to talk to him again and perhaps, laugh about bygone days.
So now I find myself looking for him on Facebook. In the process I thought of my other girl friends in Chinese class. Despite my oddly rude behavior, I was lucky to have been friends with them. I guess they helped me mellow down a bit. It is thanks to them, to people who dare break the many barriers I have set up to protect myself, that I learn little by little what relationships mean. From them, many lessons are learned. One, it is okay to get hurt, just focus on happy times. Two, one can never be truly lonely.
I guess the reason why I broke ties with my high school friends after graduation was because I was too cowardly to accept the painful partings. I have gotten used to people whom I knew to be good people and I could foresee then that if I were to be left behind by these people, the pain would be unbearable. I guess I didn't knew then what TRUST means, and neither have I thought that indeed if they left me then maybe they weren't as good as I have known them to be. My ego, that pride that have caused broken relationships, told me to be the one to leave. Because one day everyone will go away anyway.
In college, two of my Chinese friends still tried to get in touch with me. I was touched. But when I changed my number and failed to save theirs, it was the end. That was also the day when people from my high school life were totally incapable of reaching me. Only a handful knew of my new number. Instead of being happy about it later on, I found myself in sadness. I would browse through the letters and read them all over and over again, just to relieve my high school memories. I was happy then. People often commented at how cheerful I was. It all changed in college when I found great difficulty in relating with people from different backgrounds. I realized I threw away the chance to be with good people.
Late last year, I swore to protect relationships from now on. I also promised myself that I would try to reconnect with people who mattered to me, who can keep my feet back on the ground, who can uplift my spirits and perhaps, help me go back to being the cheerful girl that I once was.
Leafing through our graduation book, memories filled my mind. Is this Easter's promise? Liberation from a painful past, liberation from my sins, liberation from my own wrongdoing. But memories are not enough. I want to cast away my pride and express my gratitude to people who have been good to me, who may unknowingly kept me from being too sad.
One day I wish to find myself walking under the night sky with a smile in my heart. I wish one day as I glance down from the overpass and see the multitude of lights, regrets will be replaced by forgiveness. Because in a world inhabited by billions, fates made me cross paths with wonderful people. The past cannot be changed, I can only look forward at the future with an optimistic heart. And especially that 1 kilometer walk I take, I wish that one day, as I glance up at the trains that come and go, the sadness will be replaced my happiness. Because people have a choice to stop by and express kindness to a lost child or to continue walking and ignoring needy people, but I'm glad and I'm lucky that many have stopped and smiled at me.
So now instead of being depressed, I ought to smile. I know that people who are used to seeing my cheerful side would not be too happy to see me depressed. Maybe I ought to smile more, especially when I am alone, because it is then that I can be one with my cherished memories with my cherished people.
Happy Easter!
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