After years of questioning the meaning of life and the purpose of my existence for many years now since I became totally conscious of the things happening around and inside me, I have finally accepted this life--- with its ups and downs, with a heart bursting with positive optimism despite the prevalence of negativity and the immanence of chaos.
For many years I have rebelled against the established order and because people were repulsed at my odd behavior, I decided to get away from as many people as I could on my own volition. I reasoned that most would never understand what goes on in my mind anyway, and even with countless explanations, they would never be able to grasp why on earth I had woken up one day and changed from a bubbly cheerful girl to an egocentrically cynical rebel. I always look back at that moment in my life as my "FALL-AFTER-ENLIGHTENMENT" stage since prior to the transformation, I have had always been patient and understanding, or rather, a devout disciple of Ecclesiastes.
The transformation came about, though, when suddenly the mind expanded too suddenly. With too much experience I gained in many things and with too much reading, I gave in to the thought that humans are evil by nature. Also, since I have seen how people would do everything even steal from or hurt others, I have resolved to keep human relations to a minimum.
I have seen and witnessed people who would steal ideas from others and give no credit to the deserving person. I have then realized that being SILENT is also akin to LYING, as both conceal the truth. I have seen people abusing the goodness of a person. Take it from the younger me who gives all and helps all and did not mind much if she got nothing. But even the most kindhearted person gets tired because of leeches and freeloaders who ask too much from a person and then take that person for granted. And then there are difficult people who are so self-righteous they think that they are always right even though one can easily see how flawed their logic is and how distorted their thinking is. There are a whole lot more types of people that can really trigger a sudden change in one innocent person and turn him or her into a monster.
And a monster I have become, for several years now. The once thoughtful girl became apathetic. And with that came profound sadness and loneliness, a cold black blanket that can never give warmth to a human soul. Alienation seems to be the only way to cope and to at least keep one's sanity intact. But alienation itself is a double-edged sword, the more one is alienated, the more one despairs and the more one feels like he/ she is forced to speed down the abyss of nothingness.
Perhaps Heidegger is right, that the only way to bear this life is to find our authentic selves and in order to do that, one needs to interact with others. For it is only by relating ourselves with others that we find purpose, it is only by doing so that we get to know more about our own selves, it is only by doing so that we can find happiness (which is also espoused by Aristotle).
Difficult as it may be to try to go back to what I was, I have resolved to do it. Pride gets in the way more often than not, but I'm trying to manage this pride which "breeds only sorrow" (to quote Emily Bronte) for me. Slowly I am reconnecting to the people who matter to me.
I find this post interesting and I wonder what it would be like to revisit this idea year on year to see where you are on the spectrum of connection and how you feel about your success in relationships.
ReplyDeleteMy other thought is that - if you are a person of faith - faith is the bulwark against the evils of the world. I feel like most religions acknowledge there will be evil in the world, but your faith - in a goodness you cannot see, that doesn't seem to be operating in your environment - is your support, is your guiding force. Perhaps a code of ethics that you would use like a samurai, that gives you guidance regardless of temporary circumstances.
This would also be an interesting post to reframe or revisit in terms of your "questions" tag; namely, what questions about human relations have you still not answered? What have you learned and what are you still stymied by?
Hello, Michael. Thanks for the comment. I myself am wondering how I will be able to sustain such connections, given that people change and there might come a time when I will not be able to accept the transformations undergone by a loved one.
DeleteBut with faith, like what you are espousing, that will have to be my source of strength. That faith in people, faith in the goodness of mankind, faith and hope in an attainable better future. There is however a problem with regards to faith, and that is the rational mind which seeks evidences and justifications, as opposed to taking that great leap of faith. And most times, I am that sentimental rational creature analyzing human nature, seeking of ways to understand motives behind human actions and such.