First Half of 2015

So half the year is about to end and here we are, still on the same page, still on the same boat, yet with wonderful memories of days gone by.

My 2014 yearender FB post

2014 ended with many accidental trippings on speculations about love. A prelude mayhaps to a whole new 2015. It started in December, on the day of my birthday when the Heavens directed me to a church I have always wanted to visit and yet couldn't find the time to do so. That fateful day, drifter received a special gift--- a rosary. It was a Wednesday and suddenly the priest called all birthday celebrants to come forward and receive some blessings.

I must have been close to my religious exit for this to happen. Being busy and suddenly not feeling like I were living a very fruitful life despite being quite productive as I volunteer left and right, my heart and mind knew not peace. This gift, a small rosary, now I keep in my bag as a reminder of this fateful day, a renewal of vows. Why it happened in church dedicated to St. Joseph the Worker still is a mystery to me. But maybe it's God's way of telling me to work and not just conceptualize. Do the actual thing, stop being on a standstill in fantasyland.

My 2014 birthday FB post

Coz time is running fast and we mere mortals cannot keep up. These days it's all about doing as much as we can in a short amount of time. We search for shortcuts, we attempt to do everything even if we can do without them I'm a bit guilty of those in the past but I know better now. The mountains have taught me that it's not how fast you ascend or descend, it's how you enjoy the trail, the wonderful views, the scent of the mountains (which is one of the most important reasons why I keep on going back because my olfactory senses are very much alive and partying when I'm close to nature), the company even, the rain, the cool earth, the occasional gashes and the frequent insect bites (yes, these too, my battle scars).

So here I am, still enjoying the freedom (or is it a curse?) of being single. Eagles' "Desperado" always ruins my mood, in a welcome way. "Your pain is walking through this world all alone". Some random romantic shit but what the hell, when I ponder on this, I wonder if I will be able to settle? Loving requires giving a part of yourself and taking something in return, connoting change. And therein lies my biggest fear. I've been alone for as long as I could remember. Alone because I have been viewed as different by the people around me. It almost destroyed me but I guess I love myself too much to ever let any external force force its way into my system. So no thanks, I'm perfectly happy with who I am. But oooops life can get lonely from there.

Or maybe the fates are talking a different kind of love. Love for humanity, love for nature, love for excellence... (Okaaaaay my excuses again to evade romantic possibilities.)

Credit: Dino Dimar of White Canvas Org

Except that the recent volunteer trip to the Mountain Province brought me close to a group of like-minded fellows. The project was Akyat, Aklat, Pasasalamat, joined by some of the survivors of the Florida bus accident last February 7, 2014. (They are a marvelous group. It's hard to see their struggles because of their very bright smiles and cheerful disposition. I'm lucky to have met them!) With peeps from Black Pencil Project and White Canvas Org, I discovered I can be my whole self with no pretensions. We understand each other in our quests for social justice, for the rejuvenation of Mother Nature, for heightened spirituality. It all started in Mindoro last May, right after the mapping project when the soul of this poor corporate slave/ hardcore volunteer was in dire need to reconnect with the Spirits of Nature. And then the Domino Effect. One thing leads to another.

And now I'm seeing the Wheel again. How far can I go without turning back? I've successfully completed the requirements for the mapping project, even going beyond the minimum requirements. Must be the passion. Because once you start it's hard to stop.

I have that person whom I met in Mindoro to thank for for making me go through this painful but wonderful situation. I can sense very strongly that it's my time to grow up and shed my childish self in preparation for a big role that I have only a bleak idea about. But like what his clairvoyant friend told me, "Don't worry. Yours is not sharp intelligence. Yours is nurturing, pure, not meant to attack but to protect." Of course he speaks in riddles I couldn't quite grasp it since I know myself to be unable to love. It reminded me of the kokology game two acquaintances played with me and the result was that I am a guardian. How can you protect if you don't know how to love? To which he replied, "Take courage. Take courage for your heart. Take courage to love." So much for being perceived as courageous by my friends. Ah well I always tell them I can withstand any physical pain but probably not emotional wounds. "Crying doesn't mean cowardice and weakness." He must have seen through the inner turmoil inside of me caused by my preoccupation with the slow fading of the Light.

And then echoes of a friend's words, "To love is to be vulnerable." to which I always quip, "To love is to be invulnerable. :P" And inside of me, "To love is to be both vulnerable and invulnerable."

Makes me think so hard. Don't know if the role suits me well but let's see.

Wheels again. Sigh.

Things to do:

1. Write about the current plight of the IP

2. Take responsibility for a fundraising campaign

3. Update this blog and write about my many adventures (BIG backlog since 2014 and net is down...)

4. Finish the two books I have been reading and use them as background for articles on protecting the environment and restoring the dignity of the minorities

5. Sweat. (coz I'm getting fat already.)

My subconscious must have sensed these events. Above is my FB post 5 days before my Mindoro trip which contributed to the gradual changing of my life.

"Be broken, then be fixed and be made whole again." (to quote myself!) The survivors did a great job. Will I?