Exactly three months ago, you left me. I hope I don't sound like you wanted to. Nobody wanted that to happen, but it seemed to be for the best. Just how can you rest well when you are constantly worried about us, about me in particular?
Yesterday afternoon I was happily on my way to see you, to deliver a potential cure that I got from one of the organizers of a volunteer project. My patience ran out as usual while being stuck in traffic. It was past 6pm and I still was far from you.
Then my sister called to deliver the news. I was surprised not to be surprised. Thoughts ran I my head. Where did I go wrong? Guilt, that ugly feeling, crept in.
I began recounting the many opportunities I had to visit you again but I chose not to because I believed in indulging myself. Maybe I spoiled myself far too much. Two weeks ago I was in the Mountain Province. The weekdays that followed were spent with a boy whom I met there. He was going back abroad for work and requested to spend time with me. I obliged because he seems like a nice boy and there's no harm in gaining a new friend. Just this weekend, I went hiking and then attended a memorial for a great grand aunt to whom I wasn't even close to. The day before, I had my much-needed self-date and watched "Stand By Me Doraemon", something I have been looking forward to since last year.
Did you think that I forgot about you or that I completely left you for a chance to go to the US? You were part of the reason why I stayed, to give you that extra moral boost when I visit you from time to time. I don't know if it works but I hope you know that you can always count on me and on my sisters. Were you sick and tired of waiting for me since it had been more than 2 weeks since I last visited? Did you give up all hope?
The moment I found out, I couldn't even cry. I thought I was past the blaming game. But everything floods in again and I couldn't help but be angered at how things turned out because of wrong decisions. And then that sad feeling that everything is fleeting. It reminded me of what I felt back when I lost grandpa and great grandma. No tears, no cries, just plain sadness, my senses heightened that the soft breeze seemed like a warm loving embrace.
I was still lucky to have seen your final state before you were transferred to the funeral parlor. Your mouth was open. They say it means you were waiting for someone. I wondered if it was me. But I was disappointed to learn that it wasn't. You were muttering the names of your siblings, they say. I wonder if in your last dying breath you thought of me, how your little girl is gping to cope with your departure. But it doesn't matter now. I am happy that you no longer suffer now. I hope you rest in perpetual peace and bliss.
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| A candle for the Light |
The pain is slowly sinking in as I write. It's close to 2AM and normally I would have gone off to sleep but I couldn't. I want to write this as tribute to you.
I am sorry for the times when I broke your heart. I was such a stupid selfish brat. I still am but slowly working on it. If only I could turn back time and if only I was sweeter to you, kinder, gentler... Despite all my shortcomings you have always been there. I want to thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart.
You have been a Doraemon to this stupid Nobita. I wish you will still stand by me in spirit and watch over me.
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