Broken Strings

So I experienced my first broken strings yesterday while I was turning the peg with the E string to tune my violin. I was in a state of shock for a few seconds but my mind was screaming SHIT THIS ISN'T HAPPENING, I NEED TO PLAY!!! (My violin was largely left unnoticed the past few weeks and bow hairs have been shedding... My violin must be in tantrums...) What's a girl with musical needs to do but try putting on new strings.

I regretted so much not watching videos on youtube on how to replace violin strings. I could definitely use a tip or two. But then I guess some things can be done intuitively. In a matter of minutes I was done, all strings replaced because I couldn't bear the thought of having strings with mixed quality. And I was pleased with my work. My violin sounds better with greater resonance. Awesome what strings can do. And I had always thought it's all about the woodworks...

Today upon arriving home, I was excited to play again. I was practicing "Last Flight Out" and while playing I was reflecting on how things get broken only to become more beautiful once fixed.

Like how I have been devastated since I was separated from the Light with no one to talk to about it. I couldn't even tell my sisters how I truly felt, i had to seek solace and comfort in quiet places. I didn't know whom to turn to to pour out my feelings. I was afraid and I never felt so alone. Friends seemed so distant. I even wondered if I had real friends at all.

When it all ended, I don't know what else to feel. I was numbed from crying too much. A part of me felt so unfamiliar. I was utterly lost. I don't think I fell into depression, but it felt as if I were undergoing an existential crisis, like there's no more meaning in this world, that it's okay to just drift to where life takes you to; offer the least resistance to incur the least pain. But this also entails having the least gain.

Which is precisely what the Light cautions against. Often she would berate me for living a life without direction, for wallowing in mediocrity when I could be more and when I could achieve more with my talents and skills. But I chose a laidback life of pleasure, choosing to go with the flow.

This time, this girl shall have to wake up and fight her hardest battle. Everyday I tell myself, "Get up and fight. The world is a big battlefield, you haven't seen it all yet." So everyday I am given a new breath of life, never a promise to a better future, but a promise at least to lead a life of struggle, the kind that leaves you broken yet transforms you into something beautiful.