One Direction

So this month I finally decided to quit being a drifter. The years following my highschool graduation have been spent in fantasyland, with me not owning up to my shortcomings, thinking I would be okay and that I would do well in any field. The message from my peers and teachers in highschool about me being able to excel in anything has, despite the good intentions, drove me to be complacent and mediocre. While I found myself being good in the fields I entered, I knew deep inside that I could have done better.

Just that I got distracted a lot. Just that I loved too many things too much. The humanities--- the arts, literature, music; mathematics, science and technology, the outdoors. People often comment about how well-rounded I was. But they do not know how this has impeded me from achieving my true potential.

Take math and logic for instance. Those were my favorite subjects (alongside English) but come college I would choose foreign languages although many times I thought of shifting to Math or ComSci had my parents not been too strict with me when it comes to financial matters. Back then all I thought about was finishing my course to land a job, earn money, then travel the world.

But such linearity does not suit me because right after graduation as I was taking up Trigonometry, I chanced upon the announcement at ASP about grad school application. Without thinking, without even a plan, I submitted the requirements and found myself toiling hard with coursework while joining fieldworks and making sure I work hard to earn money on the side. Those were difficult times because I literally came to know what "hand to mouth existence" means. Sometimes I would feel as though I were wasting my time attending classes where I leave the class not even a bit wiser, or wasting my youth getting sun burns and insect bites which, according to my mom, is a ridiculous thing to do when I should be taking care of my fair skin thanks to her genes.

In hindsight, I guess what I truly got from those two years was not archaeological knowledge and knowhow but the construction of character. Had I not delved into archaeology and met different kinds of people, I would have remained the world's most naive person. My friends still think I need to work something out to balance my naivete but they often remark that at least I am learning. If there is one thing I learned it's that people will use you as much as they can if you let them. It took a while before I learned to say no. I was just too naive and stupid to think so nobly of others, that they won't ask for help unless they reached their limits. Apparently I was too locked in my own thoughts that my ideas I project unto others. Until concerned people noticed. Until I felt the unsettling feeling of carrying too much burden, burning myself out in the process.

For a change I decided to finish my diploma course and quit. I have to see what the corporate world has to offer, to see for myself if it's really a jungle out there with all the nasty gossips and ugly politics. I entered in all my naiveté. A whole new world full of pretentious and insincere people. But I also consider myself lucky finding friends in the corporate jungle. I used to think that everybody could be my friend, until I learned about people with two faces. I was aghast. I became cautious, and now I learned how to filter people that enter my life. I wouldn't have been forced to learn that had I not experienced what the corporate world is like.

Even with all its negativity, I would have to say that my experience in the corporate world has been invaluable. There I learned to tap into my erstwhile unknown pool of knowledge. The things I never thought I could do, I did there, forced by circumstances. Because in my mind, I am getting paid to do my job, but deep inside of me, exceeding expectations has been the default. Because I always think that there's a better way to do things, that we can all grow and learn even though on the surface everything already looks perfect.

Stretching myself further from the apparent limits I used to set on myself has been a double-edged sword. I got immersed in many things and my desire for continuous excellence drove me to explore more at the expense of the things I have loved doing. Many times I wish I could do kagebunshin no juutsu to do many things but at the end of the day is the realization that I am no Superwoman, that I am a mere mortal who must prioritize or perish in an overwhelming ocean of possibilities.

Today receiving two emails from a university I applied for, I am more determined to complete the requirements to make myself eligible for the program. This month I resolve to have one direction: work on my deficiencies and leave all unrelated things in the backseat.

I will not be young forever so I must hurry to achieve my childhood dreams before it is too late. Recently I have just turned down many travel offers because I need to focus more on building skills and competencies for my future self. This with the consolation that I have traveled a lot anyway the past 3 years. Not that I am quitting my backpacking adventures, just that there will less of them in the coming months.

For now, my objectives include working on my huge backlog: 2014 (HK and South Korea) and 2015 travels (SG, MX, numerous local trips), practicing the violin and keyboard, and continue studying Japanese.