When Night is Falling (1995)

I've met many lesbians in my life and at one point was mistaken for a lesbian although I did harbor intense feelings for a certain girl, a Black Beauty, whose strange combination of poised elegance and naive awkwardness fascinated me. For a few months I obsessed over her until I came to know that she likes someone else so I just buried myself in work, but not before writing THIS REVIEW OF "Goethe" while in the process of getting over that infatuation. Prior to that, I also "loved" a former French professor, a chubby fellow otaku who wore high heels and mini skirts and whose, again, strange combination of deep monkish compassion and weird mannerisms endeared her to me. ("Loved" because later on, I realized it was more of admiration of the highest kind for this differently sexy woman who made me feel that I was not alone in my feelings of aloofness in our supposedly party-loving department.) This former professor served as an inspiration when I wrote THIS POEM. I never was (and still never is) close to any professors but she was one of a kind because she reached out to me although I was not the best student in French class.

So many times in my life I have encountered many girls who like people from the same sex. Some were very pretty you would be surprised to find that they have girlfriends, who are, also very pretty. Some are very girly that you will find it hard to believe they don't care about boys. Some obviously swings to that direction although I've also had my fair share of being taken by surprise when some of my boyish-looking girl friends turn out to be just THAT. I didn't see those coming because I myself prefers comfy not so girly clothes (i.e. plain T-shirt and knee-length shorts, sometimes jersey shorts from my athletic days in highschool) and I don't judge girls who wear the same clothes I prefer wearing. When a girl friend started to become touchy and I started to become uncomfortable, I had to confront her and then BOOM came the confession. I evaded her for a time but later on realized that I valued our friendship more than anything and cleared up misunderstandings with her.

And then I dated a guy (who eventually dropped me like a hot potato because it turns out he has eyes on just about any woman he meets) who, in order to not make me jealous of  his exes whom he mentioned a lot, would emphasize that they turned to lesbianism and now have women partners. Like, I don't really need to hear that stuff. And then while reading an article on Thai sexualities and nunhood, I found it interesting that a theory of mine must be true--- that some of those who turned to lesbianism have had bad experiences with men that they have dropped the idea of ever engaging in romantic relationships with the opposite sex--- which, admittedly crossed my mind the many times we had petty fights.

When I saw "When Night is Falling" in my HD, I thought to myself, okay, perfect movie. Let's see what this will offer me. The main character, Camille, started out as a hetero with a boyfriend. The two of them are a power couple in a religious college and were up for promotion although right at the beginning of the movie we get the hint that Camille will eventually go to "the other side". Camille preaches change and dynamism whereas her boyfriend Martin teaches stability and certainty. That change began when Camille met Petra, a freedom-loving girl who has more sense and more passion for life, compared to Camille's dull, very academic and rational approach to life. There was that initial resistance but eventually Camille gave in to Petra's seduction and persistent efforts. And the two even had a petty fight when Petra led her to be the center of everyone's attention while dancing and she was laughed at by Petra's circus buddies.

Petra, the beautiful seductress

Despite their lovemaking in a circus setting, the rich red velvet gives off an air of royalty

 Camille: That was vulgar!
Petra: It was not, Camille, it was just fun.
Camille: It was tasteless and crass. (...) I (...) don't like being laughed at.
Petra: (...) If you can't handle real fun here, what'll you do if you're gonna meet fuckers who start making fun of you, huh? Coz they will, you know.
Camille: Not if you show a little dignity.
Petra: Dignity? Whoa! What could be more dignified than dancing with the person I adore?

Petra and Camille make up after a misunderstanding

Camille's reaction is very familiar. It's a reaction that cheaters make because they are "committed" to someone and yet are suddenly flirting with another. On the other hand, Petra's last words are those of a sincere lover who is proud to be with the person she genuinely likes. She was hurt by Camille's burst of anger when she felt as if she were just a little secret never to be exposed. And it got me thinking of the many times my ex and I would "date" and we were supposed to be together but it felt like dating the air because his thoughts were elsewhere and most times he would distance himself from me, as if he was afraid someone would see the two of us together. Very suspicious indeed. And my suspicions were confirmed when he helped another girl by using my work and told that girl that "we used to date", "used to" when in fact we were still going out at that time. I was stupid to trust him after that but our relationship went downhill from there because I found myself unable to trust this man, until one night several months later after we watched a movie, I sent him a long email telling him I quit. He tried A LITTLE to oppose but I knew it was just for show. All his empty talk about me being "family" was proven many times over to be a lie. As I would always tell him, you don't treat family as trash. You treat family right, with respect. (And I write this to remind myself everyday never ever to let anyone treat me the way he treated me, to walk away from every toxic relationship before it totally destroys me.)

So going back to the movie... Martin eventually found out about the affair and was crushed. As I say, it's not only boys who cheat, there are also many immature girls out there who do not have "fidelity" in their vocabulary. I was just super unlucky to have loved someone who was victimized by liars and so I think that's why he couldn't bring himself to fully love me, BECAUSE HE HASN"T GOTTEN OVER HIS PAST. And I am also inclined to think that a big part of the blame is on him, knowing how selfish and manipulative he is. Of course I never met any of his exes... all of them are conveniently abroad (or rather the few he told me about). I wouldn't want to discover his other "adventures".

Do I think I will also engage in same sex relationships? Probably not. I still believe that there are decent men out there who are single. And when I finally meet him, I am sure to do everything in my power to make him a greater man, as he will make me a greater woman. Dragons are harbingers of good luck after all.