Doors

Early this week, as I walked home late at night after a tiring day, I saw visions of doors, some slightly ajar, most closed, one slowly closing. It was a dark place and I felt the need to run after that door that was closing in slow motion. But no matter how fast I tried to run, I couldn't seem to close the distance between us. It was a quick vision and I hurried home, fearful for what might happen to me while out in the streets at night.

Yesterday was her first death anniversary. I cried as I looked back on what happened last year, how I was filled with regrets and guilt because I was not sure if I had shown her sufficiently how much I loved her. At random moments of my life, I would tell her to come away with me and my sisters. I wanted just the four of us together and I would imagine that we would have a peaceful life. That didn't happen. My sisters refused. Still I hoped so much that when she reaches old age, I would be there to care for her, just as she had cared so much for me when I was an infant.

Then yesterday, there was one more reason to cry although I tried to control my tears. A wanted us to break up. I could imagine him getting tired and sick of the pressures surrounding him more so now when he is busy at work. Since Ramadhan started, he has told me little by little about these. I was confused and hurt, because I knew what was coming even before he asked me "would you be okay without me?" this week. Maybe it is a blessing to have this little gift of presience, to somehow cushion the impact.

I couldn't give a definite answer. It was a scary proposition. I know he has our best interests in mind, but I know that once we give up on each other, it will be the end.

More than ever, he emphasized our differences. We both knew. We have discussed these prior to us getting serious. But it should happen that things will get more difficult. This early, I have already cried an ocean of tears. I do not want to lose him, and I hate myself for being too proud. There are many things I have been doing for our sake which he knows nothing about because I do not want to disappoint him in case I fail. But I guess it is too late now.

Exactly a year after I lost an important person, I would experience the same now. That door that was slowly closing, I do not know if it will really close. I feel like I am transported back to my three year old self when I threw tantrums and cried so hard pleading the Light not to leave me when she tried to go on a vacation.

Even if doors open for me, I doubt if I can have the heart to enter new ones. His will forever be the one for me. When I knew him, I know that I must not leave him. There is the feeling that everything will not turn out right if we get separated. But if he is the one leaving, then there is nothing I can do. It will be difficult, I do not know what will happen next. The door is closing and I couldn't reach it.