International Relations Theory Week 1

So I decided to go back to taking online courses, which I should have done way way earlier to prepare myself for masters. And in 2016 I just jumped into a program with a blank slate except for tidbits of knowledge gained from reading newspapers. The struggle was real, and even up to now, I still struggle with many concepts and theories. The -isms drive me crazy. So in the third week of COVID-19 lockdown (or ECQ/ Enhanced Community Quarantine if you may), I decided to enrich my knowledge of IR concepts, which I hope, will be useful in the future. I'm putting my notes here for posterity's sake since keeping written stuff requires paper. I'm going paperless. Everybody is welcome.

WEEK 1

IR- question of peace and war, conflict and cooperation

- more inclusive in terms of actors and relations (inter-state, inter-society, state-society relations, inter-region, international organization, economic relations)

Thucydides- "History is Philosophy teaching by examples."

- essential task is to understand origins of war

Peloponnesian War (431-404 BC)- after Greeks won over Persian expansion

- between Athens (naval) and Sparta (land-based)

Thucydides's Trap- the fear associated with the shift in the balance of power contributes to the beginning of war. Fear makes states suspect others of betrayal and power for self-defense. International politics is driven not by individuals but by laws of history.

Melian Dialogue- Athens persuading Melos to pay tribute but the latter declined and the Melians were slaughtered. Melos wanted to preserve neutrality.s

Athens: "Right as the world goes is only in question between equals in power, while teh strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must."

- morals and rights only exist between equals and power.

"The standard of justice depends on the equality of power."

Decline of Classical Tradition

- rise of Roman Empire (Pax Romana) left no place for the balance of power concept (no other state to challenge Rome)

- Romans consider those in their periphery as uncivilized and barbarians, who put a threat to their advanced domestic order

(Note: Explains why China never developed IR theory because they never treated others as equals.)

Christian universalism (16th-17th centuries)- permanent transformation from one condition to another with the final destination as end of hitory/ "Kingdom of Heavens"

Renaissance and Return of Classical Tradition

-Italian Wars (1494-1559), the first centralized states, first post-feudal balance of power in Europe

- two powers want the same thing is the beginning of conflict

Decline of the authority of the Roman Pope- Lords of many states' disrespect for Rome and emerging equality of relationships becomes one of the most inspiring reasons for Renaissance political thought.

Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)- "The Prince" written for Lorenzo de Medici

"War should be the only study of a prince."

- war is a normal condition as states are always competing. The main responsibility of the rulers is always to defend the interests of the state and ensure its survival. His only responsibility is to protect his power and the people in his country. 

"The promise given was a necessity of the past; the word broken is a necessity of the present."

- states can give promises to others but may not bear moral responsibility with regards to others. If necessary, a ruler must be ruthless and deceptive while defending self-interest.

"Politics have no relation to morals."

- A responsible ruler should not follow Christian ethics, is states follow these values, they will disappear in the end.

- Similar to what Thucydides said that only strength matters. Politics is so serious that a prince should not approach politics with a normal human attitude to questions like morals, justice, humanism.

Machiavelli draws a clear line between internal and international. What is permissible internationally does not exist inside the society, and what is normal inside of the society like morals or justice does not exist in International Relations

Side note: I was once surprised to find my ex with a copy of "The Prince" and back then I remember feeling he might be corrupted by Machiavellian thought because you know, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. I was right. Looking back, he really acted like a Machiavellian prince except his domain is his family and not a state. He never sincerely cared for others and everything he did is for his family and to increase his stature in his clan's eyes too redeem himself for his past misdeeds. This is why he can easily manipulate people without feeling guilty. He was obsessed about power and glory and never cared about values like integrity, respect, and justice. Looking back, his dividing line serving as basis for how he treats a person is if that person is within his ethnic circle or not.

Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679)

- human beings lived in a condition of "war everyone against everyone" (state-less state of nature) thus a state is needed toe scape from this situation. Leviathan (sovereign state/ supreme ruler) will maintain order and end anarchy, thus making possible economic development, art, and knowledge.

- social contract between individuals and government and the important unit is not the individual, but the state.

Clash of Leviathans: The Thirty Years War

- States are in continuous competition and rivalry because of their independence and jealousies. Survival is the main purpose.

Achievement of personal security and domestic security through the creation of a state leads to international insecurity that is rooted in the anarchy of state system.

Leviathans are doomed to fight a war everyone against everyone because of feelings of insecurity and eagerness for power, wealth, and glory.

It is impossible to establish a Leviathan over Leviathan as states will never give up their sovereignty. Anarchy is a norm and the eternal state of the international system. Individuals can only give up freedoms to the national government for safety and security, and not to world government.

Hobbes was inspired by Thirty Years War (1618-1648; war against the the Hapsburg hegemony)

Peace of Westphalia (1648)- realist triumph

- several negotiations among bureacrats (lawyers) instead of heads of states.

3 principles of Westphalian sovereignty

(In IR, by order, refers to Westphalian order)

1. "Whose realm, his religion"- a sovereign defined religion in a certain area

2. "Every king is the emperor in his kingdom"- all states are independent and equal to each other

3. No one can be stronger than others- balance of power as the key principle of international politics.

And if we look at the international relations nowadays after the end of the Cold War, we will find that when one nation tried to become stronger and become dominant over the others, the others resisted. And the reason for the anarchy in international relations, the reason of the decrease of the order in international relations is exactly because of the conflict around the terms of one power to become the strongest and dominant and resistance of the others. 

Henry Kissinger on the Westphalian order- Not about substance but about procedures, about how states should treat each other, about rules, order, law.

Smells Like Old Spirit

Going on a long vacation on a small budget and bringing along my external hard disk with me, I woke up one morning thinking why the hell I accumulated all these movies yet I didn't have the time to watch them. The same goes with my books which, to my family's great dismay, ended up in almost 20 big boxes. We only knew how many I had when we moved house last year. Heh! (Reminds me of Maestra, Switters' grandma in Tom Robbins' "Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates", a literary companion I planned to leave in this country I am in now, except I find it so hilarious and such a literary gem that I am having second thoughts... On the other hand, this is a practice on detachment. Let's see what will happen around July.) 

I guess I was too busy at work and school, too busy doing things for others, for my family, for friends, and for that special someone. Then again when push comes to shove, I have proven that only family will be there for you. So starting 2017 I have been more family-centered and have gone out less with friends, putting my family at the topmost priority, even before work. (In case you are wondering, work is not even in my top 5. Yes, it is important, but I realized after graduation that work only pays the bills but does not nurture the soul much. I had fun in all my jobs, but I know I am in the wrong place. But I stayed on working for private companies while being compensated not so handsomely because you know how capitalists work. I mean, they don't work, they let other people do the work for them for a measly sum, and that's how we perpetuate this stupid system that widens the gap between the rich and the poor.

After I graduated from college, all I wanted was to be of service to my country. I know that a person of my skill is much needed. In all the job interviews I've been to, the interviewers look at me with much awe and almost always exclaims, "You are such a rare breed!". Breed. As if I am some kind of an animal domesticated, engineered by humans to serve their purpose, not mine. But being someone who sees the good in everything I take it as a compliment. When you meet a person who speaks many languages fluently, and some languages that enables her to survive in different countries, I guess you will also be amazed. But I realized, I don't want to be seen as just that because I am more than that. I am also human, flesh and blood. I get hurt, I cry easily, I laugh easily, I have my idiosyncrasies that, if you are a capitalist or a friendly user, you don't need to know me in that level, you will only know me and befriend me for the fact that you know I can be of use to you someday. Pretty much how 95% of the people are in the office until I couldn't take it anymore and finally called it quits. Same with the "friends", those people whom I spent time with and whom I loved truly for who they are but who ended up just, you know, people who are engrossed in this materialistic world they don't care about other people.

But anyway, back to how I would have loved to serve my country... I got opportunities but they were small opportunities and I felt like an instrument. Like, whenever I remember how a professor hired me to do archival research and translations for her but ended up getting paid only PHP 5,000.00 per month, I cannot see how she sleeps soundly at night when she tells her stories to others about how, as a PhD student in Cambridge, she was grateful to have been hired as a library assistant which gave her extra money. (To benchmark, PHP 5,000 is monthly salary of graduate assistants who do clerical work. What I was doing was research and yet she paid me the same amount she pays to someone who just arranges her class readings and staples them. She could have added extra, just because my work was totally different and requires special skills. And yet there she was, knowing fully well my capabilities and work ethics and taking advantage of me who was a penniless archaeology student doing freelance jobs and paying my own tuition so I often worried about going on LOA every semester because I might not have enough money to pay. Talk about hypocrisy. That was my first brush with hypocritical "intellectuals", but I do know that there are true intellectuals out there, those who embody not just honor and excellence, but also service and compassion. My parents did offer to pay although they couldn't understand what got me in such adiscipline that demands money, time, and effort with no monetary returns. I couldn't tell them "THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS ABOUT." (But I guess what I understood from their kind gesture even though I stopped getting money from them after I finished my undergraduate course while working part-time for our family business for no salary, just allowances which was just enough for me to photocopy some readings and I had to walk instead of taking the jeepney to be able to save up for books... is that, you know, family will always be there for you, even if they may not, or if you think they may not, understand you fully well.)

But I guess before going on this long vacation, what really made me sure of my conviction that family will always be there for you is that, my mother arranged for my transport needs to haul away all my things from my dorm and office to our house. I already negotiated with two friends on that, one for backup just in case the other will have unexpected things to attend to. I didn't think of asking anyone from the family because I know they are always busy and I also know (or think) that I am low on their priority list as evidenced by many times I have been let down in the past, thus I was almost always a no-show in my friends important events. (Looking back though, I was able to attend two debut parties of my friends, and my first year-end party in my last company because my brother agreed to pick me up. Looking back, I was able to watch Phantom of the Opera because my dad agreed to be my date as he was concerned for my safety going home late. So maybe, even though I bore grudges against my family especially my parents for not allowing me to really get into the things I wanted, I guess they grounded me in reality in the fact that they made me realize that life is not just about art or literature or music, that it is also about WORKING, being independent, earning your own money so you can get the things that you want and need without depending on anyone, or better yet, in my words, WITHOUT USING ANYONE. (But the idea of working in the humanities is beyond them coz many artists and writers died broke and I know they are just afraid for me if I become engrossed in the pursuit of excellence in those fields.) Early on, as a grade 2 student, my mother taught me how to check receipts of payables. That made me do well in math later on until of course, being a lover of abstract ideas, I really fell in love with math eventually when I discovered its beauty... and chaos theory. LOL. So I ended up taking trigonometry (Math 17, said to be the deciding factor for engineering students because many who got in the program fail in this subject before the 50 series) right after I finish my undergraduate course and so I didn't attend the college graduation rites because I was in class and I didn't want to be absent in class. It was the first time I paid for my own tuition fee and so I felt more responsible and more serious, compared to my undergraduate days wherein I always end up sleeping in class, or being late (I had a bad reputation back then and was notorious for my tardiness thus earning the ire of many teachers).

And this blog entry feels like a small trip down memory lane. I guess this vacation is doing me good. I feel like an old person on her retirement. It's been a little more than a month living in a country so far from home. I had no one to depend on so I cook my own food, wash my own clothes, and just look after my health with extra care because I certainly cannot afford to get sick in a foreign land. So I adopted fully my being Chinese here, adopted the thousand years old tradition of preparing healthy and delicious food, by experimenting on many different things. My diet consists of veggies and fruits and little meat and carbohydrates while this winter cold persists. Of course I miss fried chicken and much as I hate the US, I do confess that I miss KFC, especially hot shots which have been my comfort food when I was staying in the dorm. (And I do miss the fried chicken in the stalls in the friendly neighborhood, the ones which come with sweetly spiced vinegar... And of course, who doesn't miss adobo?)

Oh yeah and before I forget, after one month of living here, I discovered many things about myself, that indeed I am a Cooking Master Girl! LOL. Having tasted many different food in my travels allowed me to get a very nice understanding of how different treatment of veggies and meats and fruits. One only needs to know their essential characteristics and unleash all creativity in the kitchen to bring out their best flavors. I did. And this is called living in the moment for me, being resourceful, being conscious. It's like when you date a person, you want to know about him, what makes him tick, what makes hims sad, what brings out different emotions in him, so you can support him better and bring out the best in him. But at least with food you are rewarded with good health, elated tastebuds, and happy tummy. With dating, you need to invest in the right person otherwise, you end up being drained because you give the good in you away getting nothing in return.

So there my rants and my reflections on life in general. This vacation is meant to heal me from all the negativities I let in without a thought all these years. It was a difficult process, sometimes I doubt myself if I will return to my country with a whole and happy heart again, sometimes I feel afraid of losing myself but I am taking it slow. Instead of hopping from one place to the other, I chose to stay in one place, savor the moments, enjoy the moment, no haste, no deadlines, just plain relaxation while I spend my hours walking, watching movies, reading "Fierce Invalids" (which I am reading at a very slow pace because I don't want to part with it yet), and several ebooks in between. And my offline Youtube videos don't work here which sucks so I watch very few videos. Ugh!

Eating Alone is Never Lonely

Lately I have gone back to my old ways of spending time napping in the sleeping room in the workplace and then using the remaining 15 minutes for a quick lunch. I sleep early these days, 2 hours earlier than before when I used to go home from work. My rented place is just ten minutes from the office and so I am happily now able to eat dinner at an earlier time and to read my books.

And because people at the office prefer to eat first than nap, I usually have lunch alone. Yesterday was no different. A colleague saw me as I was in the middle of lunch and said, “It’s not fun to eat alone.” And inside my mind, I was like, huh??? In what way is eating alone not fun? I thought to myself, poor girl probably hasn’t traveled alone yet.

In many societies, eating is a communal activity. To some people including me, eating is a form of meditation, my me-time. This is not to say that I do not enjoy some company when eating, but what I am saying is that having company or not, I eat well and I take advantage of the situation regardless of what it is. Meaning, if I eat with people, I take the opportunity to get to know them better (and sometimes to try out their food. LOL) If I eat alone, I take the opportunity to know myself better, because it provides me with time for myself. Normally my work hours are consumed by meeting different kinds of people which makes me prone to energy depletion (although people find it incredible when I say I am an introvert because I get along well with anyone)

So anyway, back to eating alone. I remember an ex-officemate who is vocal about not wanting to eat alone. For her it just is plain lonely and uncomfortable and she doesn’t get to enjoy her food. I find it curious, then as now, because maybe I do not have any issue on eating either with company or not. For me, eating is eating. It’s your interaction with food that should weigh more because you only get to eat, what, three to four times a day. (Although I am also guilty of small snacks thanks to chocolates and chips office people give to me especially when they know I am meeting deadlines. And I am not ashamed to say that I feel loved when people give me food. What more, when people cook for me.)

Perhaps it has something to do with me doing solo travels. One of the things I always look forward to when traveling is having full liberty to stop somewhere when I find interesting eats. Another is dining at recommended restaurants (mostly seafood restaurants) where I get to observe how people eat what. That, eating and savoring the food without thinking of the time, is I think, a form of meditation that everyone should experience once in a while. It makes you think how food is produced, prepared, and served to you. It makes you feel more grateful for the abundance of the earth. At the same time, it makes you think about mans greed and lack of concern for the environment, how we foolishly opt to have cemented jungles instead of thriving, cultivable land that can address food shortage. Eating alone seems like a lonely activity, but you don’t really feel that lonely when you think about how everything is interconnected and interdependent.

Birthday Blues 2016

Four months on hiatus and now I find myself facing two weeks before my birthday. The ultra hectic schedule and an endless list of tasks, add to that the worsening holiday traffic, everything seems to be onthe wrong side.

And yesterday, news of the dictator Marcos' burial in Heroes' Cemetery made me anxious about the future of this country. People are not happy and rallies were organized in different places on short notice. I worry that this might cause a civil war. The AFP, represented by the acting chief of staff Lt. Gen. Glorioso Miranda, was shown to hand over the Philippine flag to Imelda during the funeral rites. It is not hard to see that AFP will be at the receiving end of the people's criticisms and discontent yet again. The Marcoses, desiring to keep the whole thing solemn and private, were described as "thieves of the night" this time just as they were "thieves in broad daylight" during the height of the Marcos era.

As a social scientist, I find it amazing how today's technology is able to mobilize a huge number of people into action in a moment's notice. Anyone is bound to remember the role social media played in bringing down Middle Eastern regimes perceived to be corrupt. Since last night, people have gathered at the People Power Monument, aming other places, to voice out their discontent. In social media, activists have been flooding the newsfeeds with posts on human rights, corruption, and revisionist history. The trending hashtag: #Marcosnotahero or variations of such.

On the other side, there are people who espouse moving on and forgiveness using religion as a tool to "promote peace", but it backfires. They are quick to be ridiculed as ignoramuses who are told to read more about the Marcos years. This is where our heavily flawed education system is manifested. Supposedly well-educated people, the likes who graduated from UST (thank God I haven't come across a UP graduate who is in favor of the honors bestowed on Marcos) even, are surprisingly lacking in critical thinking. Move on and forget? Yes, there are many more issues that demand our attention, but to bury a dictator in a place reserved for those who contributed positively to the general public? Or has the concept of "hero" changed for these people? The reason why this is a big deal is because it adds insult to injury. Our being Manila-centric is again showing. We know very little about the peripheries. Our understanding of the Muslim South is so pitifully small and full of misconceptions. How many people have heard of the massacres of innocent civilians? How many people have heard of the Jabidah massacre, the Malisbong massacre? Does the average person know that cultural genocide has been taking place here in our very own country?

I do not blame these people. I remember reading only the positive things Marcos did for PH when I was in elementary. I remember being awed that wow, he stayed in power for 20 years! Back then, I did not understand Martial Law. My parents both praise Marcos for it because they said it brought back discipline. It was only in college when I heard about stories of crimes against humanity. I began reading more, listening to more stories, asking more questions. At the end of the day, when these stories surface, the good and the bad, you can't help but be stuck. There were stories that Marcos was being defamed by the Americans because he suddenly shifted foreign policy to include communist/socialist states. And there are the arguments that the post-Marcos years were also rife with human rights injustices but why are we venerating the Aquinos?

Again, we see how people think in black and white. Criticize one and you're surely an ally of the other camp. Can't we be just mature citizens who are just being vigilant, who are just exercising democracy to ensure that the government is not oppressing the people???

And there are many more issues to this. My mind is tired. My heart is tired. Just as I was starting to trust D, this happens. Why are we so good at betraying trust? Why is credibility no longer important?

I go back to asking these same questions, how we have drifted far away from morality, how this world is consumed by materialism we no longer give importance to spirituality. I cannot help but think of the tragedies that occured in my personal life, how I wished so hard to just disappear from this world because I found it inhabitable, too cold, too dark, too cruel. The inner longing to go back to the point of origin is more intense than ever. I just want to dissociate myself from this world.

This year I lost my innocence. This year I lost my optimism. This year I lost the will to effectuate change. I lost it all, I lost my self, I lost my dreams. Last year was the beginning and this year things worsened. I wonder what's in store for me next year? But maybe it's not a bad thing altogether being exposed to the cruel sides of the world. I never knew how strong I was, or maybe it is just innate in me to perform well despite the misfortunes of life? That despite my shattered self, my brain still functions well, though admittedly not as well as before. Sad.

Maybe I am just reaping what I sowed. I wasn't able to fully show my love to the Light of my life. That guilt made me go the extra mile in loving a new person in my life, afraid that I might make the same mistake of losing a person without showing the depth and breadth of my love. Yet it was still a mistake. So I am back to slowly building my own shell, which shattered to a million pieces those times I chose to love fiercely without hesitation, without limits. Maybe I loved the wrong person. Or maybe the time is not right. Who are we to know? I only know that if I believe in something, I will really do everything, that I will take great pains to protect something I hold sacred and dear. Except it might just be grasping for the wind, leaving me frozen in the same exact spot where I was left hanging.

I'm just too old-fashioned. I am not meant to live in today's world marked by a hyperconsumerist culture. I cannot compare. I cannot compete. I cannot thrive. Authenticity is too strong that everyone else is overwhelmed. I must relearn the art of solitude. 

Love, Pain, and Becoming a Light

Having experienced my first break up after just three months of dating made me question many things about life and love. Before falling hard for the first man to ever sweep me off my feet, I used to think that love is something that will be a tough challenge because it would entail sacrifice, lots of it, but that the rewards will be more than what you would expect. With that belief, no matter how difficult it is to love someone whose intentions eventually  became blurry and muddled, I carried on loving him, fighting those ugly thoughts in my head, fighting against myself for feeling neglected. I chose to love and trust him with all my heart although it was hard because everything would always catch me by surprise. For love, I chose not to listen to my gut feel. I chose to meet the trust he gave me. (Although truth be told, I had a lot of misgivings. In essence, I had to battle it out with my fears that one day he would just leave me behind.)

Once he asked what my gut feel tells me about him. I sensed a terribly wounded man whose inner goodness has been shrouded by layers of pain and sadness. For some reason, I decided to stick with him, to share my world with him. In a span of just three months, I welcomed him into my life, the life I have come to build alone after years of devastation and self-doubt. I can say that it is far from perfect yet because I haven't moved on completely from my loss last year. I thought that maybe if I were to heal a person, maybe I could find complete healing, too. He was rarely sweet, but I was happy whenever we were together. For a while I was reminded of the happiness in life. Life exploded with colors but those colors quickly disappeared when he became distant, when he started to push me away (although he denies doing so) and I, naive and ignorant, did not know how to handle the situation. To me, the message was "You are not welcome in my life. Leave me alone."

The five day challenge in March proved to be helpful. It made me take a glimpse of what to expect should I enter into a relationship with him. It was a challenge I was able to overcome, but that was because our relationship was just starting. Not that much invested feelings yet.

Tears started to flow early in May, just when I was feeling loved and just when I thought this will be serious. I thought it would be the end, that he would end things with me because of his past which he assumed I wouldn't accept. A whole loadshit of baggage waiting to be unloaded. It was a fragile moment, a major decision for me. But it wasn't because of that that I felt hurt. The pain that pierced me stemmed from the feeling that he didn't trust me at all to have hidden that from me. I cried for two days and only stopped when people were being funny and laughing was hard to resist. I was reminded of the beauty of the world, that this is just one speck of the world's many problems and I should nit feel so bad because others have had it worse.

So I accepted him, hoping he would work hard for our relationship to blossom again. But things have changed. Maybr it was also the wrong timing. But it seemed I have not totally gotten past my initial heartbreak. I became insecure, I sought his "I love you's" but resisted so hard to nag. All the resistance came undone with just one question from him. That question unleashed all the pent up negative feelings inside which I thought I could control but turns out I am just an ordinary girl who can only hold in so much. What came was domino effect. I felt unappreciated and unaccepted. I found myself asking if the golden rule is even true. We both know our differences yet we entered into a relationship. But that question made me realize that differences could wreak havoc in our lives. I have always thought that we could fight for each other, that that was already implicit when we decided to be exclusive. I was wrong.

Then came the blaming and hurling of unkind words. After only two months, the romance stopped. I struggle to this day to understand why he entered my peaceful life only to disrupt it. On second thought maybe I was to blame for not being able to give him what he wants. Or maybe we both have expectations we never communicated and we acted on assumptions only, not knowing that what we offered were not what was needed. We failed to communicate effectively even though at the onset I suggested that we practice having open comms because we both suck at mind games (or maybe that was only me?)

Just this Thursday, I used my break to nap but ended up crying inside the room, taking advantage of the fact that nobody else was inside. Prior to that, I have cried in small amounts. That time was the worst because I thought if my heart would stop beating from too much pain, I would be found there unconscious, or probably with no life.

Thoughts ran inside my head. I wouldn't be okay without him (to answer one of his questions). It could have been better if he told me he doesn't want me anymore because I am blah blah blah so I can just move on and just hope to find someone who can appreciate and accept me for who I am. But he made it sound as if we were just victims of circumstances before which we are hopeless. And that's the hardest part, because moving on is next to impossible. You ask yourself if, when he said "I love you" did he really mean it? Was everything just a game? Did he get that satisfaction out of hurting a person whom many people admire and like but who has never been in a relationship before? I felt played on by someone who regards feelings as if they are mere commodities. Did he get a kick out of making a "strange and different" girl fall in love with him just to break her heart?

On the other hand, whenever I look back to the recent months, i could honestly say that he loved me, that he tried to also fight. But why is he giving up now? What do I have to do to prove that I am a totally different person? That I am not someone who will just turn around and leave when things get ugly. And I go back to questioning if he really trusted me all this time.

I refuse to believe the idea that you let go of a person because you love him/her. If you truly see your future with him/her, do you let go? Of course not! That's just a lousy excuse to make it seem like you are not a jerk. When you find the one you're looking for, you fight hard, work hard, love hard. Even though it hurts. Even though it breaks every fiber of your being. The world can judge you for being "weak" but it is only in loving a person with all your heart and with all your soul that you will find your salvation. When two people are truly in love with each other, they will never let go no matter what. They will take each other's hands and weather through everything.

"I hope you can handle the truth, that I am not meant for you because of my flaws."

The flaws I accepted in him, the flaws I have come to love. Only it doesn't matter now because he has let go of my hand.

Is it because I am too emotional? Because I cry easily? Even strong girls cry. I cry when I watch a good movie or read a very good book even if it's not drama. I cry when I glimpse beauty. I cry over the people I love, the very few people I can love. I cry when I know he is suffering and is in pain. I wouldn't want him to make a painful choice so I will force myself to accept his decision. Lastly I cry for myself, because I am just human and the heart can be fragile.

Now it becomes clear to me why the word for love in Chinese is also the word for pain. 疼 can mean both "to care for" and "to ache". Love and pain are intertwined. You cannot love without experiencing pain. Also, if it hurts, it's because you loved.

Why is it so easy for people to just discard relationships as if feelings do not matter. Why is it that "work it out" is no longer the norm? I used to believe in true love, looking to my grandparents' story for inspiration. Theirs was fraught with difficulties, but they overcame everything. They loved only once in their lifetime and carried it until the end. Is the world too f*ucked up to have people hurting each other the norm? Whatever happened to love, trust, integrity, compassion?

So I guess the world is indeed f*cked up.  But I don't want to live in a cold heartless world. So I choose to tread the path less travelled, to be a light that can endure burning, to love with so much tenderness and fierceness still. One day I will wake up a blank slate, the past behind me. When that day comes, I know that I will ever be more ready to face life's worse challenges.

Last Pages of "Adapt"

Continuing where I left off last night since it was already past midnight and I wasn't able to finish the last few pages, I am spending this night contemplating on again throwing my life to the winds. I was a bit bothered when I was on page 280 because I thought Harford would be espousing the traditional view of securing your life and protect yourself from risks.

"Pluralism matters becausenlife is not worth living without new experiences- new people, new places, new challenges. But discipline matters too: we cannot simply treat life as a psychedelic trip through a random series of novel sensations. We must sometimes commit to what is working: to decide that the hobby we are pursuing is worth mastering; that it's time to write that novel, or strive for that night-school degree; or maybe to get married. Equally important: sometimes we need to make the opposite kind of commitment, and decide that the toxic job and the toxic boyfriend are simply not worth the amount of life they cost." (p. 280)

Harford goes on to say how much people look up to those few who can take wild leaps in life, but also briefly mentions how habits formed after many years of working toward a goal yield masterpieces, citing important figures in art and literature. He cautions against wandering around "the lower reaches of various mountain ranges" and getting too carried away by novelty that distraction is sure to set you off the the ultimate target path.

And I heaved a sigh of relief as I savor the paragraphs that follow:

"(...) a world of possibilities, of safe experiements- is one we tend to lose. But we need not: the new possibilities are always out there. It's one thing to be committed; it's another to trap ourselves unnecessarily. Perhaps we become more shy of experimenting as we get older because we become more aware of the truth that (...) in a complex world, we're unlikely to get it right the first time. To embrace the idea of adapting in everyday ñife seems to be to accept blundering into a process of unremitting failure. So it's worth remembering again why it is worth experimenting, even though so many experiments will, indeed, end in failure. It's because the process of correcting the mistakes can be more liberating than the mistakes themselves are crushing, even though at the time we so often feel that the reverse is true. (...) A single experiment that succeeds can transform our lives for the better in a way that a failed experiment will not transform them for the worse- as long as we don't engage in denial or chase our losses." (pp. 282-283)

I love how positive Harford is to being open and to being courageous without being overbearing. In fact, he closes the book with the following wise words after sharing an anecdote abput how his three-year old daughter got lost in the center of London without the slightest fear as she explored on her own:

"The ability to adapt requires this sense of security, an inner confidence that the cost of failure is a cost we will be able to bear. Sometimes that takes real courage; at other times all that is needed is the happy self-delusion of a lost three-year-old. Whatever its source, we need that willingness to risk failure. Without it, we will never truly succeed." (p. 284)

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Now on to throwing my life to winds again. I feel so much better reading this book. Sometimes you know what to do but you need some sort of support from a stranger knowing that under the vast heavens there still are individuals who think the same way as you do and you don't feel so alone.

When the Inner Critic is Not Enough

Tonight as I read the last chapters of Adapt (by Tim Harford), I gained more confidence on what I have been doing thus far in ny life. I have never been interested in self-help or inspirational books and I almost ignored this book at Booksale except I got curious and leafed through the book, which was a good decision, and decided it's worth occupying a space in my collection.

How timely that at the moment when I am facing a tough challenge I should be reading this. The universe indeed is a funny place and the fates always have a way of bringing us what we need at the appropriate time. We just need to listen to those little voices from deep within.

For instance, now on page 277, I just have to stop and blog to write about how the critic in us can most of the time, fail us, and how we need to surround ourselves with the right people who have the courage to tell us ugly truths to our face and who trust that we can recover from a bruised ego.

"We need whistleblowers in our own lives to warn us about the 'latent errors' that we have made and which are just waiting to catch us out. In short, we all need a critic, and for most of us the inner critic is not nearly frank enough. We need someone who can help us hold those two jostling thoughts at the same time: I am not a failure- but I have made a mistake."

Because most of the time we think we're all high and mighty, we have a set of ideals and as much as possible we'd like to think we follow these ideals as we navigate through this very complex world. But then again when self-righteousness takes centerstage, you try to justify everything even though deep inside of you you know it's wrong, or a no-win situation. Most times it's easy to get carried away because of a quick apparent happiness but which is doomed from the beginning. The human brain is a marvel, it's something that conjures awesome ideas but it sadly also has the capacity to self-destruct.

Psychologists have what they call cognitive dissonance, that ugly, inconvenient situation in which the mind finds it hard to reconcile two contradictory thoughts simultaneously. When faced with such a challenge, one either engages in denial or chase after losses, or go into "hedonic editing" mode. (The latter term was coined by Richard Thaler, author of Nudge.) Denial occurs when we dismiss outside criticism and attempt to silence it. Chasing after losses contribute to more losses as one tries to erase past mistakes. Hedonic editing is when we convince ourselves that the mistakes do not matter.

So thinking of my recent conversations with friends, I feel thankful to have people who can admonish me and believe in my inner strength. They know that I know when I am having mistakes but they emphasize them not to hurt me but to illustrate a point, that there is room for improvement, that there is something I need to work on lest I regret it later. And I'd rather hear awkward truths than listen to hollow praises. No wonder lately I enjoy the company of people older than me.

Phnom Penh, Cambodia 0110112014

The 20th Congress of the Indo-Pacific Prehistory Association (IPPA), held last January 12-18 in Siem Reap, Cambodia, was attended by yours truly with her friends in archaeology. Since late 2013, we had been dutifully saving up for this conference, and had been chatting almost everyday to talk about our itinerary. Of course, listing down places we like to see was easy because of our similar background. We all love museums, old buildings, local architecture designs, and we all have one goal aside from learning from on-going archaeological projects--- see Angkor Wat.

We chose the route Saigon- Phnom Penh- Siem Reap- Saigon because one of our friends who booked earlier, bought round trip tickets from Manila to Saigon, justifying that it's cheaper that way. I told her too late (the booking had been done) that she failed to consider land travel which could eat up one whole day. Because of this, I was hesitant to go, seeing that the trip would cause tempers to fly (mine included). So I told them that if I encounter a cheaper plane ticket, I would go; if not, then the trip was not meant for me. But it's a good thing Cebu Pacific had a promo later on so I got cheaper plane tickets. I initially wanted to do Manila- Saigon then SR-Manila but my friend pleaded that I go back home with her. So there... Though on the brighter side I did get to buy Vietnamese coffee and milk tea right before we went back to Manila.

We stayed at Tan Son Nhat Airport for some hours, resting and trying to sleep. Before 6AM we boarded a taxi to Pham Ngu Lao, had breakfast of their famous pho in a narrow alley, and bought bus tickets to Phnom Penh via PP Sorya Bus (10USD). We slept all the way to Phnom Penh, waking up only when we arrived at the immigration office. It was my first time to cross a national border by bus and it was very inconvenient but since we were on tight budget, we really couldn't complain much.

We arrived at Phnom Penh mid-afternoon and met up with a friend who had just finished her conservation workshop there. She stayed at a flat with two bedrooms for free as part of her scholarship so we also got free accommodation there for one night because her flatmate had already returned to her country. After resting for some time and taking quick baths to freshen up, we went out and visited the National Museum and strolled near the baywalk which reminded me of Roxas Boulevard and Ermita because of the presence of many tourists there. We also spent some time outside the Royal Palace, marveling at the architecture and taking photos as pigeons flew to the plaza grounds.

Royal Palace, facing the baywalk

inside the National Musuem

An unfortunate thing happened as we were in a tuktuk on the way to the National Museum. The Samsung Galaxy tablet of a friend was snatched by two men on a motorbike. It happened so fast and we were all shocked at what happened. So always be mindful and alert. As much as possible, never bring out flashy gadgets and wear simple clothes.

The following day was spent at Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum, a depressing place, to say the least. During Pol Pot's regime, the school was converted into a prison house and was code named "S-21", was where those suspected of resisting Pol Pot were tortured until they die. What is interesting is that prisoners were documented. Each had his photograph taken and basic information was also recorded.

prison rules in Tuol Sleng

The visit to the genocide museum drained all energy I had. It was unthinkable how the human mind is creative at designing torture techniques aimed at fellow humans. Even more baffling is the cruelty and oppression inflicted on civilians just for the political elite to establish and maintain power, and just for a twisted ideology! It should be noted that despite the evil caused by the Khmer Rouge, it still aimed for the nation to be self-sufficient and to develop fervent nationalism, but at the expense of education. Still, the nationalism it promoted was to the extent that it mirrored Hitler's desire for a pure race, thus resulting in ethnic cleansing and genocide.

After a quick, cheap lunch at an eatery, we headed for Choeung Ek Genocidal Center, also known as The Killing Fields. It is where the Khmer Rouge executed more than one million people during Pol Pot's regime. It is a serene place, perfect for contemplating on the nature of man, as one navigates through the site accompanied by an audio system which details key historical events that happened there. 

One of the touching stories was about a survivor who recounts that as a child he met a fellow prisoner, an adult, who kept on pleading the guards to let the child go for he is innocent. Later, the boy learned of the death of the adult prisoner who was killed because the guards got annoyed at his constant pleas, and recalls how he was touched at the concern shown to him by a stranger.

I love the ending track where it was commented that the Buddhist stupa, having sacred Hindu and Buddhist symbols, have both garudas and nagas in it. The nagas are said to have fathered the Khmer people and are the enemies of garudas, but when they come together, they are a symbol of peace.

Before we went back to the apartment, we bought some vegetables. That night, I cooked chopsuey, making do with what is readily available in the kitchen. Still turned out to be delicious. After dinner, we proceeded to Giant Ibis bus for our night trip to Siem Reap. It was my first time to experience such a comfortable sleeper bus. Fare from PP to SR was 15USD.

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There is a whole lot more to learn about Cambodia. When we talk of crimes against humanity, genocide, and ethnic cleansing, we often discuss Hitler's Nazi regime. In highschool, Asian History was all about memorizing dynasties and names of rulers. I can hardly recall anything from that class. I think maybe if we discussed key important events that contributed to how a nation is shaped at present, students would be more receptive and more appreciative of history and culture. It was only during this trip when I learned of the Cambodian civil war so I made sure to buy at least one book: Ben Kiernan's The Pol Pot Regime: Race, Power, and Genocide in Cambodia under the Khmer Rouge, 1975-79 (2nd edition). I always wonder what makes an ideology so powerful that it can influence a large number of people, and how people are persuaded to accept an ideology as it is, without questioning the morality and underlying interests it may hold. I have been reading the book since we were in Cambodia and have yet to read it from cover to cover. It did, nevertheless, make me understand the circumstances Cambodia was in prior to Pol Pot's regime.

New Hairstyle New Life

I used to dread getting haircuts as a child. My mom was the one who cut my hair and everytime she did, there was only one outcome: I would get full bangs and short hair. With my rounded face, I would end up looking more like an Egyptian-looking siopao. I hated it. So growing up, I had a certain aversion to salons. 

In highschool, my mom finally let me decide on my own hairstyle. I vowed never again to have short hair since I have always sported one in my childhood. Since highschool, I enjoyed below-the-shoulder length of hair.

Until just this Sunday.

Maybe it's because of the sweltering heat. Sunday morning found me waking up drenched in sweat. I couldn't stand it. In the afternoon, I finally decided to get a haircut. It's been more than 6 months anyway since my last one.

Choosing a hairstyle proved to be difficult. But since the day was so hot and I was finally getting tired of tying my hair into a ponytail, I decided on a bob cut.

There are many instances in my life when I would cut my hair when depressed. The act is a form of cleansing myself, of lightening a burden. It always refreshes me after having a haircut. And so for me, it is a sacred act, not something done out of aesthetics or the like. It is a symbolic way of cutting off the negative things from my system.

Also, it helps in creating a new persona out of me. I first learned of the mystical transformation following a haircut when I saw a video from the PS game Final Fantasy IX wherein Garnet cut her hair with a resolve to be a stronger person to better protect her kingdom. In animé, this can also be found in Naruto season 1. During the chunin exams, Sakura cut off her long beautiful hair after her frustration at not being able to do anything for her comrades. These two scenes inspired me a lot. And whenever I feel the need to become a stronger person, I cut my hair.

And now sporting a short hair once again, I wish to be more carefree. I wish to be bolder, more courageous, stronger, more responsible, wiser, more enduring. I will have another haircut before I turn a quarter of a century old this year. By that time, I hope I have levelled up to a different level.

Busy

Out of school and still the same status...BUSY.

No wonder I don't have time for a romantic relationship.

Because people seek me out not because they like me, but because they can get something from me.

Where is LOVE? People NO longer LOVE other people, people nowadays USE other people.

And so, never ever berate me for being too much of an escapist. I need my imaginary worlds to survive in this jungle of a civilization.