2017 Holy Week Musings

Today is Easter. While I normally do not like special days because they are heavily exploited by capitalists, sometimes, special days are needed to remind us of the things that are important to us. It just depends on us if we want to be swallowed by the system or if we are confident enough of our own authenticity to let systems dictate our lives.

Earlier this week, prior to the Holy Week, I went out with two friends on separate occasions. On Tuesday, learning too late that classes were suspended, a friend and I decided to explore Maginhawa for some cheap eats. We both have relationship issues and I know he needed some cheering up. He also cautions me about potential pitfalls in my current relationship and keeps on reminding me to address the issues as early as possible to save unnecessary heartbreak. 

I appreciate the concern. It's not as if we were not talking about those issues. We did, sporadically, in bits and bites, not in a long conversation. It is uncomfortable, awkward... I also want to really know his thoughts but oftentimes I feel myself being blocked and pushed away. The resistance is too great. A question for a question. No definite answers. I learned to mimic him, but perhaps he doesn't even know it. I can be the most transparent person, but if I find myself not getting the honesty and integrity I can offer, I clam up.

Before we parted ways, I felt sad for him. He seemed like a nice guy. But even nice guys have flaws. In around four hours that we talked, I interrogated him, made him see where the gaps were, as if I were Doctor Love. I couldn't even bring the man I love to talk about serious stuffs. Pressure, he would always raise as an excuse. I may have been brutal. He was hurting still, but I still asked questions that I know could trigger memories. That is how you help a friend, you help him or her face uncomfortable situations head on. I don't know if it will work for him, I hope it does. Talking about problems sometimes help lift the gravity of the situation.

The following day, no class again. A friend whom I asked to fetch my jacket for me in Miag-ao is back. I left my jacket, a gift from Island Boy back in 2015, which he gave me on the day we last saw each other. I tried to like him then, if only because he was nice to me, but he really isn't my type. To this day he still sends PM on Facebook which I largely ignore. It's been two years, I have told him to stop, but he is still there, so I just ignore his messages. I never create false hopes for anyone.

So anyway, R at first was reluctant to get my jacket back for me. For weeks we seemed to have grown cold because R was not willing to do me a favor. I was a but hurt because he would be in Miag-ao anyway so why not get my jacket? Maybe there are other reasons but if there were, he could have explained so I would understand. Then again, in the end, he did get my jacket for me. We had to meet up so I could get it back. Yet again, he asked me about A. I said I am trying my best not to think about him much, that I should focus on my own well-being. I am having chest pains again, and if this keeps on, I might die within a year, or less. Stupid girl falling so hard in love with someone who turned out to not able to reciprocate, someone who couldn't be considerate of my feelings when I have always been too gentle and patient with him because I know how broken he is. Yet in the process, I didn't know how I have also been dragged down emotionally. A meeting with a former classmate noticed that my aura has changed, telling me she felt sad to see that the brightness in my eyes that she loved so much, was replaced by sadness. That was two months ago. Her words never left my mind.

I tried to regain my peace of mind. I wanted to show her that maybe that was temporary. I wanted to fight for A, for us. But slowly I found myself looking at the present situation, as if replaying the events of last year. Uncertainties. Mind games. Manipulations. What is it that makes it so hard to leave him???  Maybe we both are just waiting for the other to make the move. I wonder if he truly is happy with me, as he says he is. If so, why does it feel like I an only contributing to his list of problems. He would never acknowledge the things that I do, until recently when I talked to him about it. He would always dismiss moments of intimacy that I tried to create as drama, until recently when I raised the issue. For a time that made me secure in our relationship. He was changing bit by bit. I always appreciate that he knows when I am upset, even since last year. He knowd how to make me laugh, because a silly girl like me is easy to please.

But there are things from last year that remain in my head. Him saying, "I want to make my parents happy" says a lot about how his parents will always come first, even perhaps in matters of marriage and relationships. So imagine how hurt I was when I found out his dad is still currently pursuing the girl they want him to marry, even after meeting me. For me that speaks volumes. They simply do not like me. Because I am not one of them, because I do not share the same religion. And they say the Chinese are too exclusive. So that confirms that this relationship is indeed goung nowhere, although he says he still wants to have the last say on that. Then again, that would be displeasing his parents.

If there is anything consistent, it is inconsistency. Does it ever contribute to a strong foundation in a relationship?

Dear Love (Part 1)

To you who break my heart,

This is the first of the many letters that I planned to write. My writing somehow proved inutile when it didn't do anything to heal my heart, this heart that you broke numerous times, this heart that you played with and continued to toy with. And it was stupid of me to still hang on to you, because I believed, despite everything, that you loved me, too. But slowly as things begin to unfold, I am beginning to realize that I have been a fool and that being a fool for you can never be worth it.

I remember the feeling of happiness that swept through me in March and April. Two months of happiness, of love and trust. Two months of hearty laughter, of full trust and devotion and suddenly everything was lost. After that came almost eight months of pain, eight freaking months of emotional torture. They were right to describe love as a hurricane; it arrives at your doorstep and leaves behind much destruction.

Until this day, I cannot believe what a fool I was for letting you do what you did to me. I could have easily walked out of the door and many times I attempted, you would say things that would make me change my mind. I never liked guys, I never wanted to trust them. To me they are all cheaters, chauvinist, self-centered beings who are, in a nutshell, just like hurricanes, powerful and destructive. But whatever made me hang on, whatever made me decide to stay even though you attempted to break up and I think you did, implicitly, but still continue to see me from time to time, whatever that is that caused me so much pain 2/3 of this year, I do not know. Call it foolishness, call it audacity. Call it naivete, call it innocence. Laugh all you want, for bringing down this girl's defenses and finally making her cry not just once, but almost every single day that passes after that unforgettable day in May when, walking to the jeepney stop after a late-night dinner you told me something in your past that got me crying for two straight days. That was the start. Some days I would feel like I have finally moved on, but most days I felt this anger at you, anger at myself.

Do you remember those first few dates? Biking, reading together, jogging, eating, watching movies, or simply hanging out talking about politics, life, dreams, the future. I was slowly falling in love with you without knowing it. I admired your sense of discipline, I admired how tough you were when you faced the challenges that came your way. I came to like the way you talk, the way your eyes would sparkle when you felt proud of yourself, the animated manner in which you would narrate stories of your training... I adored every bit about you. I did not know you were not in love although you acted as if you were when you put your arms around me in a protective manner and when you held my hands in the jeep or bus. Or maybe you were, but all were gone too soon when you started pushing me away, when you started criticizing every little thing I do or say or dream about. One day I ignored you with a heavy heart, because in my mind, if you did not want me in your life, then I would be the one to create that much-needed distance. But you chased after me, consoled me, made me feel loved again. Then the cycle, that ugly vicious cycle.

So when you expressed your wish to break up with me, I already knew about it. Prior to that, I have been crying because I could already see where everything was headed to. You can create all sorts of excuses, you are free to do so, but do not make it seem like we were victims of circumstances. You said so yourself at the start, that you did not want to hurt me, that you did not create all these situations if it would only hurt me. Nice thoughtful words but actions speak louder and shortly after, tears have flowed incessantly.

But even then, I allowed myself to fall harder for you. I still looked forward to attending class hoping that you would be waiting for me after because that was what you did on the first day. I thought we had broken up. And many times after that, you would ask me to go out with you, leaving me utterly confused and yet I still chose to trust you. Simply because when we were still exclusive you would always tell me that you trust me. But this is one of my many mistakes. You are not me. Yet the rare times I would see you sitting on the waiting lounge reading while you wait for me, you wearing your eyeglasses and with shaven head, my heart would always skip a beat and something inside hurt, so much I wanted to cry but whenever I was with you I was filled with such happiness it took me long to realize that that was just temporary.

I have been making excuses for you, like "Oh, he's just busy", or "He's just frustrated with his life" or "He's just pressured". But those times when you do not make your presence felt and I learned you were "busy" with other people, with your office mates even, whom you see everyday and yet they still occupy your weekends when I thought you were busy with duties and homework, those times you made me feel insignificant. You made me feel as if I didn't matter. You made me feel unwelcome in your life. Again, I felt like a fool for defending you when in fact you were out there in the company of others. I would never demand that you spend all of your free time with me. I realized I really do not know you after all.

Too many skeletons inside your closet. Too many layers that need to be unmasked. Are you so broken that you need all those walls? I really am jealous of your exes even though I know I should not be (because hello, I am the Moon Goddess incarnate @.@ but then I traded my divinity for human love. What a fool...). When you tell me about them, what you did for them, what your family did for them, I often wonder if you would do the same for me or if you were so hurt you are now being overly cautious because you think I am like them. (Like, ewww it's so insulting! Never ever compare me to loose women who go around drinking and crashing in a stranger's bedroom, etc.) So they got the best of you, I unfortunately got the worst of you. Maybe I was also at fault. When I knew that, I should have stopped seeing you because it's clear you prefer those kind, not simple old-fashioned me. (I am not being morally condescending. To each his own. My point is, I may not be really what you prefer in a girl given the kind of woman you planned to marry.) And so again, super stupid. Is there no end to my foolishness?

Only I promised you something. And I am the type of person who stays true to her promise no matter what, no matter how difficult. (And that's why I seldom make promises, I prefer to just do things for people lest I end up disappointing them. Apparently, it's very very rare to find another person who can hold his principles to death.) So think things through. You always say you are pressured, even though there were already far too many compromises from my part, and too many concessions for you, even though I made sure I create a safe place for you by my side... or maybe they're still not enough? When I have been exerting efforts trying to rebuild what we have, you kept on instilling fear and doubts in me. Mind games. I often forget that you are an expert tactician (even though it's funny you fail to recognize who can do you good and who can do you harm). I still do not know where I stand in your life even though you drop hints here and there, it's not enough. I need explicit answers. I hate ambiguities. I don't need half-baked relationships. I certainly do not need to know your intentions because those are just intentions, without actual results. (Funny how you said before that you only had good intentions towards me... I wonder if that still holds true when you refuse to meet my family and I feel guilty because I cannot talk about you at home. My mom would not hear me out, all she says is, "let him visit here", and I am torn. I know they think badly of me and I do not want that. I understand where they are coming from. You are not a girl, so you wouldn't understand what I am going through. But think of your sister, or your close female cousin. When they go out with someone, wouldn't you feel the need to know whom they go out with? Again, my fault for still entertaining you despite this setup that feels like betraying my own family, the people whom I grew up with.)

So I guess this time it's you who should make the effort. I have adjusted far too much. Funny how this stupid girl, despite her foolishness, can be full of courage as to enter the den of lions again and again and again, each time leaving a part of her heart behind that I am afraid there will come a time when her heart will be so consumed that she will walk on this world without life, without hope, without faith, without love.

I wish I were selfish sometimes. It will do me a lot of good. People have always been taking advantage of the goodness of this world. Yet I remember those rare lights that should endure burning. :(

I should start writing the draft of my novel soon. If heavens' will be done, in two years' time I will transition to a new life. Whether you will be part of that or not remains to be seen. Your call now if you want me in your life when you keep on pushing me away because you do not even know what you want. In the meantime, I will do all I can to be a better person while I wait for that someone who can handle me, who can respect and love and care for me, who can be true and faithful to me, who can accept me for who I am, who will never belittle my dreams, who will never doubt my capabilities, who will never compare me to others (because frankly, it's insulting).

So there... more rants to come because I am close to the point of exploding. What my parents see in me is true, I have far more courage than most people, even compared to men. But as if cursed, that courage also brings pain and suffering.

Hmph.

Love, Pain, and Becoming a Light

Having experienced my first break up after just three months of dating made me question many things about life and love. Before falling hard for the first man to ever sweep me off my feet, I used to think that love is something that will be a tough challenge because it would entail sacrifice, lots of it, but that the rewards will be more than what you would expect. With that belief, no matter how difficult it is to love someone whose intentions eventually  became blurry and muddled, I carried on loving him, fighting those ugly thoughts in my head, fighting against myself for feeling neglected. I chose to love and trust him with all my heart although it was hard because everything would always catch me by surprise. For love, I chose not to listen to my gut feel. I chose to meet the trust he gave me. (Although truth be told, I had a lot of misgivings. In essence, I had to battle it out with my fears that one day he would just leave me behind.)

Once he asked what my gut feel tells me about him. I sensed a terribly wounded man whose inner goodness has been shrouded by layers of pain and sadness. For some reason, I decided to stick with him, to share my world with him. In a span of just three months, I welcomed him into my life, the life I have come to build alone after years of devastation and self-doubt. I can say that it is far from perfect yet because I haven't moved on completely from my loss last year. I thought that maybe if I were to heal a person, maybe I could find complete healing, too. He was rarely sweet, but I was happy whenever we were together. For a while I was reminded of the happiness in life. Life exploded with colors but those colors quickly disappeared when he became distant, when he started to push me away (although he denies doing so) and I, naive and ignorant, did not know how to handle the situation. To me, the message was "You are not welcome in my life. Leave me alone."

The five day challenge in March proved to be helpful. It made me take a glimpse of what to expect should I enter into a relationship with him. It was a challenge I was able to overcome, but that was because our relationship was just starting. Not that much invested feelings yet.

Tears started to flow early in May, just when I was feeling loved and just when I thought this will be serious. I thought it would be the end, that he would end things with me because of his past which he assumed I wouldn't accept. A whole loadshit of baggage waiting to be unloaded. It was a fragile moment, a major decision for me. But it wasn't because of that that I felt hurt. The pain that pierced me stemmed from the feeling that he didn't trust me at all to have hidden that from me. I cried for two days and only stopped when people were being funny and laughing was hard to resist. I was reminded of the beauty of the world, that this is just one speck of the world's many problems and I should nit feel so bad because others have had it worse.

So I accepted him, hoping he would work hard for our relationship to blossom again. But things have changed. Maybr it was also the wrong timing. But it seemed I have not totally gotten past my initial heartbreak. I became insecure, I sought his "I love you's" but resisted so hard to nag. All the resistance came undone with just one question from him. That question unleashed all the pent up negative feelings inside which I thought I could control but turns out I am just an ordinary girl who can only hold in so much. What came was domino effect. I felt unappreciated and unaccepted. I found myself asking if the golden rule is even true. We both know our differences yet we entered into a relationship. But that question made me realize that differences could wreak havoc in our lives. I have always thought that we could fight for each other, that that was already implicit when we decided to be exclusive. I was wrong.

Then came the blaming and hurling of unkind words. After only two months, the romance stopped. I struggle to this day to understand why he entered my peaceful life only to disrupt it. On second thought maybe I was to blame for not being able to give him what he wants. Or maybe we both have expectations we never communicated and we acted on assumptions only, not knowing that what we offered were not what was needed. We failed to communicate effectively even though at the onset I suggested that we practice having open comms because we both suck at mind games (or maybe that was only me?)

Just this Thursday, I used my break to nap but ended up crying inside the room, taking advantage of the fact that nobody else was inside. Prior to that, I have cried in small amounts. That time was the worst because I thought if my heart would stop beating from too much pain, I would be found there unconscious, or probably with no life.

Thoughts ran inside my head. I wouldn't be okay without him (to answer one of his questions). It could have been better if he told me he doesn't want me anymore because I am blah blah blah so I can just move on and just hope to find someone who can appreciate and accept me for who I am. But he made it sound as if we were just victims of circumstances before which we are hopeless. And that's the hardest part, because moving on is next to impossible. You ask yourself if, when he said "I love you" did he really mean it? Was everything just a game? Did he get that satisfaction out of hurting a person whom many people admire and like but who has never been in a relationship before? I felt played on by someone who regards feelings as if they are mere commodities. Did he get a kick out of making a "strange and different" girl fall in love with him just to break her heart?

On the other hand, whenever I look back to the recent months, i could honestly say that he loved me, that he tried to also fight. But why is he giving up now? What do I have to do to prove that I am a totally different person? That I am not someone who will just turn around and leave when things get ugly. And I go back to questioning if he really trusted me all this time.

I refuse to believe the idea that you let go of a person because you love him/her. If you truly see your future with him/her, do you let go? Of course not! That's just a lousy excuse to make it seem like you are not a jerk. When you find the one you're looking for, you fight hard, work hard, love hard. Even though it hurts. Even though it breaks every fiber of your being. The world can judge you for being "weak" but it is only in loving a person with all your heart and with all your soul that you will find your salvation. When two people are truly in love with each other, they will never let go no matter what. They will take each other's hands and weather through everything.

"I hope you can handle the truth, that I am not meant for you because of my flaws."

The flaws I accepted in him, the flaws I have come to love. Only it doesn't matter now because he has let go of my hand.

Is it because I am too emotional? Because I cry easily? Even strong girls cry. I cry when I watch a good movie or read a very good book even if it's not drama. I cry when I glimpse beauty. I cry over the people I love, the very few people I can love. I cry when I know he is suffering and is in pain. I wouldn't want him to make a painful choice so I will force myself to accept his decision. Lastly I cry for myself, because I am just human and the heart can be fragile.

Now it becomes clear to me why the word for love in Chinese is also the word for pain. 疼 can mean both "to care for" and "to ache". Love and pain are intertwined. You cannot love without experiencing pain. Also, if it hurts, it's because you loved.

Why is it so easy for people to just discard relationships as if feelings do not matter. Why is it that "work it out" is no longer the norm? I used to believe in true love, looking to my grandparents' story for inspiration. Theirs was fraught with difficulties, but they overcame everything. They loved only once in their lifetime and carried it until the end. Is the world too f*ucked up to have people hurting each other the norm? Whatever happened to love, trust, integrity, compassion?

So I guess the world is indeed f*cked up.  But I don't want to live in a cold heartless world. So I choose to tread the path less travelled, to be a light that can endure burning, to love with so much tenderness and fierceness still. One day I will wake up a blank slate, the past behind me. When that day comes, I know that I will ever be more ready to face life's worse challenges.

Hell Week

I am just glad the first of two hell weeks is now over.

This week, I had consecutive meetings at work, leaving me unable to attend to the core processes that we do. I hope it doesn't affect my performance this year. Add to that the two papers and two reports. Whew! So for 10 consecutive days I have had very little sleep averaging at just 3.5 per day, which is sooooo below the minimum required for my cutie sleep.

It's amazing that I still was able to not fall asleep. Maybe there was the adrenaline rush. Anyhow, I'm glad that theres's only one more week to go then I can already breatehe well and smile and relax while having my normal 8 hours of cutie sleep. My noontime nap has been very helpful in making me focus on taking on the important action items. That and the fact that I fall asleep while in transit. Energy may not be fully restored but it sure was sufficient to last me until I get home.

So today I went out with a guy who shares funny stories about himself and about other things. We watched London has Fallen after lunch at Ramen Santouka (my second time there which attests to this resto's good food), and he might just be the perfect movie companion because he was able to explain to me how intelligence units function and rescue operations are carried out. Cool!

It's also cool to get to know someone who's totally different from the usual people I encounter. It was an honor to be told that I'm interesting (probably because I am too outspoken LOL), a compliment I get a lot from people but most would also find me equally intimidating so they'd rather step back, which for me seems like an insult. I don't understand what people see in me sometimes. In general, old folks and younger people adore me, but people my age don't. @.@

Aaaaand I just added a pile of readings on my list. Busy days ahead. But I'm loving it because I'm learning a lot and I can feel that I'm growing again. Somebody save me from stagnation!!! I'll always be grateful to our supervisor for giving me these opportunities. Speaking of which, I will miss him so much but I can't tell him that because it would be awkward. @.@

February 2016

February being the month of love finds me reconnecting with many people.

The first weekend, my highschool friends and I finally were able to schedule a mini reunion at K Pub where we had fun talking about high school life. (I initially thought I wouldn't be able to consume a lot of meat but having grilled chicken or beef wrapped in lettuce creates wonders.) It's amazing that my friends still remember many things about me, but most especially the unforgettable umbrella episode wherein I broke an umbrella which scared the shit out of them. So they teased me, calling me bakemono (monster). No insult for me, in fact I took it as a compliment and I felt like a strong little girl. (And they would tell me I'm like Biscuit who looks like a cute girl most of the time but transforms into a muscled woman when it's time to fight.) I'm glad that finally one of my guy friends has a GF. So that means among the five of us, only two are left with no love life. (All four of them are boys and due to my scholastic standing I was considered the boss. LOL.)

The following week, I had a date with my mom, just the two of us, on a weekday. We watched Everything About Her, starring Vilma Santos, Angel Locsin, and Xian Lim. (I just find AL too beautiful and I haven't seen a lot of her on TV except for the Saturday talent show which bores me BTW so no thanks.) We had light snacks at Figaro then quick shopping, then movie. After the movie, we had dinner at Shi Lin, her choice because she wants to eat xiaolongbao which is aligned to my expectations as well.

That same weekend, I traveled all the way to Laguna just to see a friend whom I missed a lot. Whoever says that I don't value friendship is dead wrong. I may be busy but I make sure to be there for a friend in need. And this is exactly what happened. I think she needed to be surrounded with friends following a breakup. So we ended up chatting until very late in the evening. It's sooooo good to be around her again. I think the reason why we jive so much is because we're both respectful of other people's views. We tend to disagree on things like art theory (she's an art studies major) but most times we have similar views especially when it comes to politics and civil service.

Third weekend was spent with a researcher whom I met at a conference last year. It was soooo good to see her again and to experience her warmth and generosity. We hang out at the library as she was finishing her research before we visited her friend who was equally warm to me. Then she toured me at the wet market in Kamuning and we had dinner at the heritage resto Kamuning Bakery Cafe where I had the longganisa pasta. Yummy!

Third Sunday was spent working on reports. Not yet finished but I sneaked out of the house to watch Deadpool with co-volunteers because Z was temporarily in the PH and would be returning back to China soon. It was an ambush invite but I was glad I was able to meet with them. I had loads of fun with the highly wittily comedic movie.

On the last week, I finally was able to visit my first godchild. Cool!!! The father has become a close friend following our deployment in Cavite last year doing volunteer work. And I finally met his wife, a lovely and warm woman, sweet and caring to their child. I'm so honored to be chosen as the godmother, seeing what a loving couple they are. (And yet they throw me that one question I often hate: When are you getting married???  >.< But I don't even have a boyfriend!!!)

Pangasinan Trip Part 2

Last week, because of the APEC meeting, relatives from my mom's side decided to spend an evening in Pangasinan to visit my grandmother. Mom chose me to go with her saying I wouldn't be of much help at home anyway since we no longer have any househelp. (Ah but she totally disregards the fact that among us siblings I'm the only one who is willing to wash my own clothes :P)

We left Manila late in the afternoon of the 21st. The whole morning was spent in the kitchen washing the dishes, cooking lunch, and preparing apple mint shake for our travel. I had to make sure that this time I would be well hydrated because the last time, I felt funny when we got home.

(Part 1 of our travel was a bit traumatic because I ended up with a bad stomachache and fever kept me from reporting to work. Because that week I suffered from intermittent stomachaches, I thought it might be something serious so I had to endure going to the hospital where they made me wait soooo long and any minute I could collapse because of headache. I had to endure the doctor reprimanding me why the hell I took Pocari sweat instead of Gatorade and why I didn't want to take meds. It was a bit awkward but I had to make it clear to her that I was only after the stool analysis to see if maybe I ingested something weird so I can take the necessary steps to eliminate it from my system.)

While part 1 was not enjoyable because there were too many of us and the introvert in me was screaming for solitude, part 2 is relatively tolerable because there were less people so I was in my best behavior. LOL. My cousins always ask me  why I am always in a bad mood. Tsk. If only they knew how much I wanted to run away every time we have a reunion were it not for the wonderful food... Plus seeing my maarte cousins. O.o

It was pretty funny to be with just my mom and her sisters. I played mahjong with them. It's been a while since my last game so maybe that was why I won big time, gaining 70% more than my original number of chips. At night I shared the same bed with my 4th Aunt and they were all surprised when in the morning they commented how I slept like a log when throughout the night there was an orchestra of snoring women. LOL.

The following morning we visited Manaoag Church, my third time to do so this year. Traffic was really bad. Tsk. Roads are narrow in the provinces and yet many of the people there already drive cars. Sigh! It feels like Antipolo. Since I had to accompany my grandma, the two of us plus an aunt got separated from mom and two other aunts. The bad thing is that they didn't bring their phones so it was no use calling them. I had to rely on gut feel to find them while grandma and 3rd Aunt stayed on one place. So anyway we did come home all together.

And I'm happy to learn that my cousin's kids are doing well in school. Awesome! I just hope that they are not taught the same stupid traditional stuff we got in my generation. The youth of today should learn how to discern truth from media reports and to exercise critical thinking and not just take in without contemplation what is fed to them by the media, and by the elders for that matter. In short, I would want the next generation, especially in my family, to be freethinkers.

On the way home, we stopped by Cafe France for dinner. I finally gave in to their request to treat them except I didn't have cash with me and I had to use my CC. Guess what? Only one order was charged and the rest declined. So mom had to pay for the rest! BTW, I so love their seafood marinara. Yumyum! In fact, I love Cafe France's food because they taste like hospital food, you know, with clean taste so you don't feel so guilty afterwards.

We went home at 9PM, tired and sleepy. I miss reading my books. I brought Three Cups of Tea with me but never got around to read even a page.

Me Love You Long Time- Maginhawa, QC

So for the second time I let a friend talk me into dating someone whom I know nothing about save what my friend tells me. A former officemate thought of it last week when we had dinner at Pancake House in Gateway Mall so I could get the art materials I bought in HK. Those stuffs she brought back to Manila for me since I didn't pay for luggage. (Yes, I had to cut costs following my consecutive travels this year leaving me almost penniless at the end of every month.)

So anyway, I won't write about the guy. I'm more focused on the food. LOL. BECAUSE imagine my excitement when I discovered that Z Compound in Maginhawa is actually hiding Me Love You Long Time, an establishment that offers Thai and Vietnamese fare! I still couldn't get over not being able to afford all the nice food I saw at the Legaspi Sunday Market. I must confess that every once in a while those yummy spring rolls haunt me. My favorite tom yum soup, whenever it pops in my head, makes me so distracted I can barely function as a normal human being. As for pad thai, I am still happy to have visited my fave stall in MCS.

So two days ago, I had my fill yet again of my beloved tom yum and pad thai. (I'm glad my date was cool with Southeast Asian food and was also game with walking. Lately it's just sooo hard to get me walking because of the terrible air pollution. UGH!) Me Love You Long Time's pad thai readily satisfies my craving for that peanutty taste in noodles. The tom yum is too thick for my taste and I prefer it less creamy. It had five pieces of shrimps, all eaten by yours truly because the date eats only shrimp tempura. It lacks the special aroma of lemongrass, which is a bit disappointing, but then again, you don't get to see that many Thai food in the Philippines... (Now I'm reminded of Thai Manila, a resto near Tomas Morato where my sisters and I had one of our sisterly dinner dates but which closed down a few months after... I so miss their tom yum and red milk tea.)

After dinner we chatted about A Song of Ice and Fire and what a geek he was! And because it's been more than a year since I watched GoT (stuck in season 2) and read Book 4 (which I only sneaked in my reading schedule and for the past 3 years I have been more into non-fiction...). So embarrassing as it may sound, I felt stupid at how badly I recall names but remember the events. For instance, it took me a while to get BRB which I initially was saying "Freedom Fighters" then "Brothers without Borders", to "Black and White Brothers". All I remembered was that it was a group of outlaws headed by a man who had died only to be resurrected by a red priest. O.O

Unlike earlier this year when I was not at ease with going out with someone I don't personally know, I think I'm beginning to relax and just enjoy all these stupid dating games. And I have to say that because he agreed to walk with me I discovered a new route for getting home via Kamias. Now isn't that a pleasant surprise?

When the Inner Critic is Not Enough

Tonight as I read the last chapters of Adapt (by Tim Harford), I gained more confidence on what I have been doing thus far in ny life. I have never been interested in self-help or inspirational books and I almost ignored this book at Booksale except I got curious and leafed through the book, which was a good decision, and decided it's worth occupying a space in my collection.

How timely that at the moment when I am facing a tough challenge I should be reading this. The universe indeed is a funny place and the fates always have a way of bringing us what we need at the appropriate time. We just need to listen to those little voices from deep within.

For instance, now on page 277, I just have to stop and blog to write about how the critic in us can most of the time, fail us, and how we need to surround ourselves with the right people who have the courage to tell us ugly truths to our face and who trust that we can recover from a bruised ego.

"We need whistleblowers in our own lives to warn us about the 'latent errors' that we have made and which are just waiting to catch us out. In short, we all need a critic, and for most of us the inner critic is not nearly frank enough. We need someone who can help us hold those two jostling thoughts at the same time: I am not a failure- but I have made a mistake."

Because most of the time we think we're all high and mighty, we have a set of ideals and as much as possible we'd like to think we follow these ideals as we navigate through this very complex world. But then again when self-righteousness takes centerstage, you try to justify everything even though deep inside of you you know it's wrong, or a no-win situation. Most times it's easy to get carried away because of a quick apparent happiness but which is doomed from the beginning. The human brain is a marvel, it's something that conjures awesome ideas but it sadly also has the capacity to self-destruct.

Psychologists have what they call cognitive dissonance, that ugly, inconvenient situation in which the mind finds it hard to reconcile two contradictory thoughts simultaneously. When faced with such a challenge, one either engages in denial or chase after losses, or go into "hedonic editing" mode. (The latter term was coined by Richard Thaler, author of Nudge.) Denial occurs when we dismiss outside criticism and attempt to silence it. Chasing after losses contribute to more losses as one tries to erase past mistakes. Hedonic editing is when we convince ourselves that the mistakes do not matter.

So thinking of my recent conversations with friends, I feel thankful to have people who can admonish me and believe in my inner strength. They know that I know when I am having mistakes but they emphasize them not to hurt me but to illustrate a point, that there is room for improvement, that there is something I need to work on lest I regret it later. And I'd rather hear awkward truths than listen to hollow praises. No wonder lately I enjoy the company of people older than me.

September 2015 Part 3

This is the third and final part of my September 2015.

The most awaited event of September is the birthday celebration of my grandmother with the traditional Mid-Autumn Festival dice game since both she and my grandfather were born exactly on August 15 of the lunar calendar but in different years. [Grandpa passed away more than a decade ago.] Theirs is a love story that is worthy of mention because my grandfather who was part of the guerilla resistance against the Japanese during World War 2, fell in love with a lady 10 years his junior, a beauty queen from San Pablo, Laguna. Ever since, he only loved that one woman. Grandma is that lucky woman. [So whenever I tell mom I don't want to marry anyone because men cheat anyway, she would always point out that that is not necessarily true because her father is the very epitome of a true man: loyal, faithful, responsible, resourceful, and very intelligent.]

Every September, since it's my maternal grandparents' month, I am reminded that perhaps true love exists. [Fat chance. I cling to just 1% hope.]

Because this year I am guilty of not spending that much time with grandma due to volunteer work and deployment, I was happy when she looked extra happy to see me on her day. That, although we'd almost always end up arguing because of our different views. Relatives can't stomach my radical views and I cannot accept their conservatism especially with regards to career paths. So I grow up relying much on myself because I cannot get even the slightest moral support from blood and kin. Knowing that I currently work as a regular employee at a well-known company somehow made them heave a sigh of relief. Many times they just shake their heads at me for wasting my potential in non-money-generating endeavors. Oh well. A wild child is always a wild child none can tame.

Grandma's birthday cake from Estrel's [kudos to my sister for taking the initiative to buy]

 So aside from the usual potluck, we had our usual dice game. The prizes range from microwave ovens to chocolates. I was lucky to get the second prize during the first round and picked the pressure cooker. I know mom would love that. As for me, I was eyeing the cookie jar and the ceramic bowl set. Except I didn't get the cookie jar which broke my heart. I was extra curious as to what cookies are inside.

my favorite nephew

Aside from the food [I love an aunt's rendition of spicy Korean wings] and the dice game, the reunion is also a chance to see nephews and nieces. Not that I am close to them but there's a particular boy I liked. I've seen him from the time he was a baby and I know that he is a kindhearted boy. He's naughty yes, but he's got a good heart. I just hope they don't spoil him that much since he's the eldest of grandma's great grandchildren.

On the 29th, we had dinner at Lucky Rainbow Restaurant together with aunts and an uncle on dad's side. It was nice seeing my Ninong and Ninang  again after so many years. I'm happy that even with the distance, we update each other on events via email. And I got what I asked for: CD's of David Garrett and Itzhak Perlman.

Other September happenings:

* I attended the AYJO concert and greatly enjoyed it, reminding me of Joji Hattori, the jovial conductor during the Toyota Classics Concert in 2012.

* Team dinner at Mango Tree Bistro in Trinoma because we had visitors. I was able to eat my favorite tom yum again. I would also recommend the steamed fish.

*  Right after our team dinner, I had round 2 with my sisters. We had late dinner date at Conti's. :)

* Team lunch at our favorite restaurant in Meycauayan, many thanks to our supervisor who is always footing the bill.

* Above was followed by a dinner date at Santouka Ramen with a friend I haven't seen in a long time. It was nice to have a little catch up meeting with a long lost friend. She was  part of the China winter tour I participated in in 2008. One day I received a message on Linkedin from her and we immediately planned to meet up. I love it when I reconnect with old friends. :)

Hong Kong 2015

So for the third consecutive year since 2013, I found myself in Hong Kong again. I wss supposed to book a flight to Taiwan to attend a seminar but found budget inns too expensive still. So in the end I chose HK since I can stay at relatives' house. I'd also like to see my cousins again, to somehow make up for lost time. I'm afraid they might grow up too fast.

I arrived in HK at around 6PM. Bus from the airport to an aunt's house was pretty convenient. In my trip last year I already learned the art of commuting by bus since it's cheaper though not too easy for a non-local. But I took down notes on what bus to take to go to my relatives' houses last year so I'm still confident I wouldn't get lost.

My first night was spent in front of my cousin's computer since I had yet to finish my powerpoint presentation and the script that would go with it for my reader who requested to have the files sent early so she could review them.  my cousins must have laughed hard deep within seeing me nodding off sleepily while still typing away. Sigh. I still am glad to have finished the other paper last Sunday.

The following day, I went to Tin Shui Wai in New Territories with my aunt to see the Wetland Park. It's too far from Kowloon so the trip ate up a big portion of my Octopus card load. Still itbwas nice having the chance to walk around. I like Singapore's Palau Ubin more though. For late lunch, my aunt treated me to Café de Coral, the number one fastfood chain in HK. I love the fact that it served veggies, too.

The 27th and the 28th were spent in the seminar. I did get to walk around Central and Wan Chai and even saw the exhibits at the Geological Museum inside Hong Kong University. HKU now has an MTR station unlike the last time when I had to walk far just to see it. It's one of my dream universities...

Also, going around Central and Wan Chai, I found Philippine-related markers. Two were related to Rizal because Rizal lived for a time there and was even acquainted with Sun Yat Sen.

On Saturday, I had my first biking experience. It was really awesome! Thing is, I rode a bike with trainer wheels since I don't trust myself when it comes to extreme sports. It's a good thing I did otherwise I wouldn't be able to enjoy the beautiful sceneries we passed by. Did I say that it rained that morning so I got to also visit the Hong Kong Heritage Museum? But we only saw the temporary exhibit on Bruce Lee's life.

On Sunday I went to the wet market with another aunt. I love going to markets to see fruits and vegetables and fish. Everything looks perfect in HK and my aunts would joke that they inject chemicals into the fruits to make them look juicy and fresh. LOL

Then it was time to go. That afternoon, I would have loved to stay one more day and attend a concert. But I guess, that will have to be for next year. I really hope my sisters can go with me to HK so ny aunts can get busy wth them while I take off on my own. I love spending time with myself especially when abroad. I do appreciate and enjoy their company though. They teach me the real meaning of family, something I do not experience with my relatives on my mom's side.

The Day You Went Away Forever: June 24, 2015

Exactly three months ago, you left me. I hope I don't sound like you wanted to. Nobody wanted that to happen, but it seemed to be for the best. Just how can you rest well when you are constantly worried about us, about me in particular?

Yesterday afternoon I was happily on my way to see you, to deliver a potential cure that I got from one of the organizers of a volunteer project. My patience ran out as usual while being stuck in traffic. It was past 6pm and I still was far from you.

Then my sister called to deliver the news. I was surprised not to be surprised. Thoughts ran I my head. Where did I go wrong? Guilt, that ugly feeling, crept in.

I began recounting the many opportunities I had to visit you again but I chose not to because I believed in indulging myself. Maybe I spoiled myself far too much. Two weeks ago I was in the Mountain Province. The weekdays that followed were spent with a boy whom I met there. He was going back abroad for work and requested to spend time with me. I obliged because he seems like a nice boy and there's no harm in gaining a new friend. Just this weekend, I went hiking and then attended a memorial for a great grand aunt to whom I wasn't even close to. The day before, I had my much-needed self-date and watched "Stand By Me Doraemon", something I have been looking forward to since last year.

Did you think that I forgot about you or that I completely left you for a chance to go to the US? You were part of the reason why I stayed, to give you that extra moral boost when I visit you from time to time. I don't know if it works but I hope you know that you can always count on me and on my sisters. Were you sick and tired of waiting for me since it had been more than 2 weeks since I last visited? Did you give up all hope?

The moment I found out, I couldn't even cry. I thought I was past the blaming game. But everything floods in again and I couldn't help but be angered at how things turned out because of wrong decisions. And then that sad feeling that everything is fleeting. It reminded me of what I felt back when I lost grandpa and great grandma. No tears, no cries, just plain sadness, my senses heightened that the soft breeze seemed like a warm loving embrace.

I was still lucky to have seen your final state before you were transferred to the funeral parlor. Your mouth was open. They say it means you were waiting for someone. I wondered if it was me. But I was disappointed to learn that it wasn't. You were muttering the names of your siblings, they say. I wonder if in your last dying breath you thought of me, how your little girl is gping to cope with your departure. But it doesn't matter now. I am happy that you no longer suffer now. I hope you rest in perpetual peace and bliss.

A candle for the Light

The pain is slowly sinking in as I write. It's close to 2AM and normally I would have gone off to sleep but I couldn't. I want to write this as tribute to you.

I am sorry for the times when I broke your heart. I was such a stupid selfish brat. I still am but slowly working on it. If only I could turn back time and if only I was sweeter to you, kinder, gentler... Despite all my shortcomings you have always been there. I want to thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart.

You have been a Doraemon to this stupid Nobita. I wish you will still stand by me in spirit and watch over me.

Mother's Day 2015

The first week of May I suddenly had the urge to visit the light of my life and I knew better than ignore the call. I always believe in following the dictates of the heart even if reason is against it. 

So I visited her and was aghast at how thin she is now. She looked so much like an aunt who thinned down a lot despite being a huge eater. And now both sport the same short haircut. The first thing her niece who is now taking care of her said to me is that she is dying.

I am not surprised, but it felt sad hearing that from another person. I learned that her body developed four cancer types: breast, stomach, lungs, and bone. I am not surprised. I have long suspected that cancer has spread and I have begun suspecting she has stomach cancer when she started everything she ingests.

I can still remember the stories they told me when I arrived from my second Pulag climb in January this year. My sisters, mom, and the Light all went to Quirino Grand Stand to join the massive crowd that welcomed Pope Francis. One of my sisters almost fainted so she just spent the rest of the day at a Starbucks café while the three drowned in the sea of people hoping to catch a glimpse of the Pope. They say they walked quite a distance from where they parked the car. The heavens even rained hard on them but their faith kept them out in the open.

A week after that, on the last week of January, we received news of her daughter's death. She traveled a long distance, 12 hours at least, to get to her daughter's wake and arrange for the funeral. While in the province, we would hear about how stressed she is because apparently the family of her daughter's husband is trying to get her money using her daughter's death as justification. I just couldn't believe that people like that exist! Even the Light's natural grandchildren do not care for her and only remember her when they need money.

I knew from back then that in case she is retiring I will cut her off from these beasts and will provide for her. Unfortunately the diseases came like a swift ambush in the night. She grew quiet and pensive when she got back, refusing to eat most times and preferring to stay inside her room. Depression must have crept in at the loss of her only daughter. But we, my sisters and I couldn't break in. She built a barrier around herself that's too hard to penetrate. Sweet talk won't even work.

But because nobody's home most of the time and everybody else is busy, we were relieved to hear that a relative, her niece, is willing to take her in. The Light's eldest grandson came to Manila and we assumed he would take care of his lola while the two lived in the Light's niece's house. We even gave him some money as allowance before we parted ways, driving the Light with him to the niece's house. The following day, we were shocked beyond words that this grandson packed his bags and left for his province, despite the Light's pleas not to leave her. 

I cannot fathom how people can be this cruel. I cannot help but judge. It breaks my heart knowing this, for I know how deeply hurt she is at this final betrayal. Her grandchildren who never even sent SMS to her on her birthday and only do so when they ask for money which their grandmother would send to them, these same grandchildren whom I even once said to myself that I will help send to school when the Light retires (but now I am retracting after seeing this evil)... I do not know how they were raised by their parents. It angers me to see them so ungrateful and so oblivious of the many sacrifices their lola has gone through for them.

Her sad story, a cautionary tale, makes me cry everytime I remember the events that lead to the day of our separation. It felt unfair to be unable to do something for the one you love and all you can do is to cry, as if tears can do something to make the situation better. 

As I gently touched her on my last visit, ever so gently for fear I do harm on her fragile body, I had to fight hard not to cry. At this point the last thing I want is for her to see me cry. She's seen me cry far too many times all these years and I wouldn't want her to get stressed with me now.So I had to leave early, lest tears flow freely and unable to stop.

The days leading to Mother's Day saw me looking for the photos of us together. There is one photo in particular which I love: the one wherein she wore a fashionable dress in way back in late 80s and holding me on the table. She looked like a mother to me in that photo. But I failed to find it. (Just how useless can I get?)

So I will just try to remember the other details and hopefully sketch the photo from memory.

The Day You Went Away: MARCH 24, 2015

Yesterday marks a sad event in my life. The week before, before I left for Bohol, plans of you leaving us, leaving me, reached me. The suddenness of the events that followed the passing away of your daughter has really affected me after all, through you who have grown frail and weak. Maybe I do not know the sentiments of a mother losing her only child, but I wonder, have you thought of me? We meet on earth with no blood relations, but you have been a mother and a confidante to me, light of my life, savior of this poor wretched child almost doomed to rot in hell.

So yesterday, your bags were already packed when I reached home. I couldn't even have the time to really absorb much of what's going on, having been tired and lacking much sleep lately. Fears and anxieties crawl into my being, for some weird reason, Bach's Chaconne plays inside my head.

I shall forever mark the date. March 24, 2015. I couldn't even cry, perhaps my tears have all dried up from constantly worrying about you. There's only the same feeling I felt when my grandfather died twelve years ago. No tears, just a feeling of sadness that seemed quite foreign and yet a peaceful sadness.

On the way home inside the car, I watched the crescent moon in the sky. Shaped like a smile, it seemed to mock us humans for our frailty and for us mortals giving in to emotions. And yet it's the same feeling I had back then when, aspiring for someone's love so much to the point it hurt, I watched the moon being covered and uncovered by clouds. That same moon, oblivious to heartaches... I hope she smiles down on us and comforts us when the heart longs for the happy past.

And now, a favorite song from the 90's automatically plays in my head when I think of you.

Why do we never know what we've got 'til it's gone

How could I carry on

The day you went away

Cause I've been missing you so much I have to say

Been crying since the day

The day you went away

Please take care now, and always know that despite the distance, you will always be loved. You will always remain as the light of my life.

______________________________________

Today is supposed to be a happy day at the workplace. Yet how can I be happy knowing that starting today I will come home and feel your absence around?

An Open Letter to the Light of My Life

It's been a long time since we last had a long chat. These days we seem to try to catch up on each other early in the morning before I leave for work. I would always ask how you are doing even though I know the answer. You would always look at me, your eyes forlorn, your current fragile state breaking my heart to pieces. It's not easy for me to watch you go weak with each passing day; I have been used to seeing you wake up each morning earlier than anybody else, with that load of energy despite your age. I often wondered where you got that strength that allowed you to do numerous tasks without complaint.

Consecutive trips enriched my life, but it also made me poorer in understanding you. One day I was shocked to come back seeing you emaciated, your eyes no longer alert and shining. Words cannot describe how I feel. You seem lifeless, purposeless, friendless. You wouldn't eat, you refuse to listen when we repeatedly tell you to go to the doctor. You, who used to be strong as a bull, cannot even walk properly now.

I fear for what the future holds in store for us. Throughout my life, you were there. You saw me through my darkest, most bitter periods in my life. When blood and kin sought to hurt me, you were my sole comfort. You were the one who taught me early in my life, even with waves of rejection, coldness, cruelty, and all the challenges that come my way, are nothing if I put my faith in God. You sought to understand me, even in my most pitiful egocentric bitter state. Many would claim to know me but it is only you who always defended me from backstabbers, you the only one who testified to my goodness. It was grace. Perhaps we were meant to meet in this lifetime, because your faith in me changed me. I had a taste of grace because of your goodness and to this time it inspires me to be a better, not bitter, person.

This last weekend, I could have continued to do my volunteer work while in Pangasinan. We passed by Manaoag and I changed my mind and decided to stay inside the church to hear mass and to say a little prayer for you. I knownthat you'd be happy to learn that your little girl is back to going down on her knees with pleas to the Heavens, this time not for me but for you. Today after work, I found myself walking towards that church where I got a rosary last year on my birthday, as if my legs had life of their own. So I brought out my rosary and prayed the sorrowful mystery. How apt, when the two of us are in agony, you physically and me emotionally.

I am not prepared for this. But I guess your little girl will have to grow up now. Coming back home, finding you not there to welcome me has given me of a glimpse of a possibility I do not want to consider. Home feels cold, dark, awful without you.

Tears cannot stop flowing now as I write. Please do not leave me alone.

Cosé Home for the Aged, SJDM, Bulacan

Last Sunday, I joined a friend and her friends to play santa to a group of old ladies at Cosé Home for the Aged in San Jose del Monte, Bulacan. The experience was a humbling one as it gave me something to think about about old age. An empath like myself could feel their difficulty in moving around so I made sure to be extra attentive to their needs.

dolls made by the lolos and lolas of the community

Because it's not enough for me to just drop by and give gifts to people, the journalist in me interviewed some of them, those willing to share their stories, so that I may share them to people. I've always loved stories about past experiences because they allow me to glimpse into the human psyche and to understand human behavior as a whole. Also, gaining their trust and confidence makes me feel good as it means that I am doing a fine job in being an anthropologist.

close up view of the dolls

Nanay Benny (Benilda Policarpio)

 For instance, I was shocked when Nanay Benny (above) suddenly told me how she ended up in the home for the aged. Her daughter-in-law didn't want her around because for the son's wife, Nanay Benny was grabbing all the attention at home. I was shocked that the son would consent to sending his own mother to a home for the aged just for that petty reason. There might, however, be other reasons, and I cannot judge as I heard only one side of the story. 

Nanay Ces (Cesita Orale)

Nanay Ces above, on the other hand, served as a nanny to a family in Malabon. The family still sends her gifts regularly. Nanay Ces seems to be happy with the arrangement though and still vividly recalls her days of service to the family. 

Nanay Teresita Pereira and Nanay Juanita Ortega

The two above told stories of their lovers even at their present age! Nanay Teresita has a more interesting story. She is said to always go to the grotto to meet up with her boyfriend. Also, she gives whatever money she has to a volunteer at the home for the aged. She has only one wish, to see her brother Bonifacio Pereira who is now based in the US. The volunteer told us that her brother has taken all the money and has left the country since. When asked why she still wants to see her brother, Nanay Teresita says she just wants to know how he is ("kamustahin siya"). That in itself touched me deeply. Here is a free woman whose heart knows true love.

I would love to go back to the community if only to spend time with them again. All the while I was in there, I couldn't help but think of my grandmother who is lucky to have us, her daughters and grandchildren visit her every Sunday.

The old ladies of Cosé may be living together in a home for the aged, away from their blood and kin. But they have found a family which values them and which still gives meaning to their lives.

-------------------------------------------

The whole experience made me want to volunteer more in the coming years. I would also love to spend time with children in the orphanage. I'd like to somehow reach out to them so that they won't feel unloved in this cold, dark world. The world has enough of "petty" lives because of lack of love and warmth. I think it's grace that people with no blood relations can brighten up other people's lives.

Mulat (2014)

Just when I thought the last few days of 2014 will be boring and spent cleaning our room, I received an invitation one night to watch the New Wave segment of the Metro Manila Film Festival. I'm not sure if I had heard of MMFF New Wave before, but if ever I did, I must have just ignored it since I'm not at all interested in the crappy movies in the MMFF.

But when a trip organizer I met last July said that he's got tickets to his brother's short film which is competing in the New Wave and is inviting me to watch, I did a quick research and immediately said yes. Part of me wanted to just see him again since I was awed at how comfortable I was with him that first time we met. The film buff in me, on the other hand, saw this as another opportunity to get to know new non-mainstream films. Based on experience, non-mainstream has never disappointed me and they certainly outdo the much clichéd, ultra shallow mainstream ones. 

We were supposed to watch at Glorietta 4 but ended but in SM Megamall. His bro's film will be shown a little later and so we ended up buying tickets to Maria Diane Ventura's Mulat, his treat. We had more than an hour before showtime so we hang out at El Pollo Loco for some tortilla with chicken while talking about travel plans and our recent travels. I kept on prodding him to teach me how to bike because this poor girl loves to travel but is unfortunately not equipped with a lot of practical skills and only bank on courage alone for adventures

We watched two shorts--- An Maugmang Lugar is about a dead man who couldn't seem to move on because of unfinished business with his wife/ lover. It is a short animated film with no dialogues. I don't know if this is just me but it reminds me of a scene in Final Fantasy X where Yuna, wanting to hug Tidus, only ended up running through him as he fades away. The other, Bimyana, as about an Aeta girl who was chosen to be her school's representative except her mother doesn't support the idea. I didn't know the outcome of the story because sadly I fell asleep. (I'm just so tired these days....)

Then Mulat. I was instantly uneasy with the first scene as Vincent (Ryan Eigenman) and Sam (Loren Burgos) fought over a petty thing while in the car. I was just afraid this was some romantic film. Yes it is about love, but so unlike the romantic flicks. It explores what makes up a toxic relationship as portrayed in a scene where Sam debates with her sister's fiancé about settling down vs. a male's dislike towards pressure to marry. Naturally, I took note of that, which may just come in handy should I enter a relationship in the [hopefully] near future.

The two met a car accident when their car slammed on a moving motorcycle. Then came the flashbacks. And some sort of Inception-like events ensued with Sam meeting a guy named Jake (Jake Cuenca). Suddenly the roles are reversed with Sam not wanting to commit after her traumatizing breakup with Vincent whereas Jake persuades her to give him a chance. He helps her find a psychiatrist who used hypnosis as cure for Sam to gain peace. 

The ensuing events show the film's twist which follows Christopher Nolan's dream/ reality dichotomy. It turns out that Sam was actually in a comatose state following the car accident whereas Jake, revealed to be the mototcycle rider,  was also in another room in the same hospital. Sam in the dream world tells Jake to find her and Jake wakes up in a frenzied state to search for Sam.

The twist simply awed me. I never would have thought that a local director would be able to pull off something brilliant like that with a small budget. In the end, it all depends on how creative a narrative can be and how one can adapt it to film to make a powerful and memorable movie.

____________________________________

I don't know why I always end up watching pieces with intelligent takes on love. Earlier this month, I watched the musical play Prinsipe Munti in CCP. It's based on Antoine de Saint-Exupéry simple yet profound book The Little Prince. While it provides a thesis on what the most important thing is in the world, the play also conjectures on what it means to love and to be loved. I cried all throughout the play.

*************************************

I don't know what came over him to ask me suddenly to watch a movie but I am glad he did. How often do people want to meet up with people whom you meet only once on a trip? I am that kind of person, and it pleases me to see that despite the fact that both of us have hectic schedules and our own trips which almost always coincide so we never get to travel again, we still make it a point to keep our communication lines open and update each other on our future plans. I also love it that before the day was over during our falls trek, he said that it seemed like he has known me for so long. I felt the same way, too.

Christmas Parties 2014

This week is Christmas party week... plus becoming a volunteer again.

Just this Monday, I took a leave to volunteer at a Gawad Kalinga community down south. It was my first time to visit such a community and I was glad to have participated. It was such a brief volunteer stint lasting less than three hours but I hope that the community had fun with what we came up with and with the mural painting we left. I would have loved to stay and interact more with the locals to get to know them better, to listen to their stories, to see how they really live, instead of just organizing a little party where people pack up after everything not even knowing the people's names and stories.

a girl looks at the repainted mural

Then Wednesday night, our team had great bonding time at Red Box. The place is overrated and overpriced but I guess it's still the quality of bonding time that matters. We had fun singing Linkin Park songs, which I think really spiked up the team's spirits. It was just so funny how at the last 10 minutes, we skipped song after song until we finally ended the night with Spice Girls' "Stop". Like, yeah we need to stop and go home already. LOL!

Thursday morning found me still sleepy because of an early morning meeting which ended as just a chat between me and my contact. I was so exhausted the night before because of the horrendous Christmas traffic that going home took me more than an hour when on normal days it's only for 30 minutes! Still I couldn't postpone my date with a friend from elementary days. I was able to contact her via FB after seeing her post in one group.

So feeling slightly feverish and coughing tremendously, I still went ahead to meet her. We pigged out on buffalo wings at Buffalo's Wings n' Things and had loads of fun recollecting about our elementary days. I never really forgot about them and every start of classes in the school I transferred to, I would always remember them, how half the class joined me during recess time to run around the school. It's a bittersweet feeling, knowing you share fond memories and yet to face the reality that we're all grown ups now and we have changed a lot. It's been 18 long years after all, and yet I still feel that I have not moved on. I think this is the reason why I would love to meet with them, to somehow have a sort of closure. It just hurts being friends at one point in time and being total strangers in another.

Friday saw me dressed up as a kid for our stream's Christmas party at a Jollibee branch. I would have wanted to win the cash prize for best in costume but sadly I did not though I do think I had a high chance of winning because I look childlike. Moving on, at least I did win an umbrella. Just a week ago my long umbrella just disintegrated.

Also, I got my third wish on my wishlist, which is a copy each of local comic books Mythspace and Trese volume 1. I always look at those comic books but never purchased them because I always wished somebody would buy them for me.

Finally decided that these will be part of my holiday reading

Scheduled on Saturday is Christmas lunch with former team mates but which I declined because consecutive parties drain me (and my wallet, and contribute to further fattening of this kiddo.) I'd rather rest at home since I was still suffering from a major cough. Also, since 2014 is about to end, I am also planning to end one major project pretty soon and the holidays would be the perfect time to accomplish many things. So the whole day I sat in front of my laptop to work on a volunteer project.

Today I spent the day with the old folks at a home for the aged somewhere in Bulacan. The captain/ originator was a travel buddy and dear friend so without any second thoughts, I signed up as volunteer. I've always admired her guts, and this time her gentle heart. We may not have prepared much for the old ladies but at least we were able to make them smile, to laugh, dance, eat with them.

After that, we hang out at Fairview Terraces and talked about intellectual stuff from economics to the latest research items. It was like a breath of fresh air since I do not get to talk about intelligent ideas that often since most people I am with would only regard me as an annoying know-it-all who never stops talking about crazy stuff nobody gives a shit about anyway. For this, I always treasure those rare moments when I can be with people with whom I can truly converse with without worrying about their ability to keep up with my ideas.

Mario Feir Private Library, BGC

BGC has always struck me as an inconvenient place for meetups and dates so when volunteers of a Wiki project were to meet there to do a mini edit-a-thon, I was hesitant but ultimately decided to show up. How can I say no to libraries? Besides, this one being private means that you have to have the necessary connections to access the collection.

So one day I found myself riding the MRT again. It's only on weekends when you can truly appreciate the value of the MRT system. And because it's been ages since I last stepped in BGC, I was surprised to find that they have a small bus similar to those in other countries. These mini buses stop only at designated stops. One day I wish the government will just take over the transportation system in the country to eliminate unruly bus and jeepney drivers. They are one of the two major reasons why traffic is BAD in the Philippines, the other being that there are just too many vehicles on the road.

The library houses a LOT of old, rare, and out-of-print books. I was able to find Florentino Hornedo's book "Taming the Wind" about the ethnocultural history of Batanes. I searched hard for that book after I came back from Batanes last May but in vain.

I was also very much impressed to see archaeology-related books on the shelves. Later on, I would learn from a fellow volunteer that the Mario Feir Library is actually a friend of ASP. Really nice! (Now I would love to go back to school as this library is getting me excited to do research on just about anything!!!)

So last month found me in that place. Lucky me to have had gotten more out of the difficult commute because a friend wanted to see a Korean performance and she invited me to go with her. I naturally said yes since it means bonding time for us. 

After the performance I took her to the weekend food market at Mercato, which was a long walk but we chatted a lot anyway so it didn't seem too far. We talked about our immediate and long-term plans, where we plan to go to next, how we could spend time together before she flies to Japan next year.

It was a pretty evening. More so because I truly enjoyed her company. Sharing a lot of similarities certainly helped cement our friendship. To think that we were only introduced by a common friend and have been looking out for each other ever since then. Just the kind of friendship I deeply appreciate and treasure.