Rainbow or Stars... Or Neither?

Tonight maybe we'll see stars in the rain...

It rained last night. And the tears fell. When hectic days are about to end following more than a month of cleaning and packing and unpacking and reorganizing, loneliness creeps in. I realize that I never stopped thinking of him. I got used to him calling me almost every night and I have formed the habit of checking my phone every now and then, but since late last month, I have been ding my best to get busy. I consider myself lucky because friends were there for me. Friends whom I thought wouldn't care, would chat me every now and then to check up on me. I think they're doing it to get me distracted, to help me get over this painful heartbreak. It took a whole lot of me to push through with it, because everytime we are together, my heart overflows with love and affection but I always end up getting pushed away. He pushed me away far too many times, and each time he did, I was also distancing myself twice as more until I finally understood and just accepted that he doesn't want me in his life. It sucks, to have thought that maybe he was different but he's just like any other player out there. The games and all, me asking why he hates me so much, why he came to me int my life only to ruin my peace? Why all the mind games, why all the cycles of push and pull, all the drama that he created and doesn't want to be responsible for.

We're going in circles again...

Last night while doing some research for two major reports, I happened to fall asleep, my phone back to silent mode since I no longer expect anyone to call me. I don't want to keep expecting him to call me, I don't want to see myself disappointed again. I woke up in a groggy state but with just enough energy to shut down my machine and go to sleep properly. And then I checked my phone.

Rainbow or stars? How could I ever be afraid?

I had one missed call last night. The log registered his name. And the tears came. 

A flood of memories came crashing all over me. The first time he held my hand, the first time he laid my head on his shoulders in the bus, the first time we traveled together, the first time he kissed me, so suddenly that I was surprised and he thought I evaded it... The first time he introduced me to his brothers and friends, the first (and last) time we jogged and biked together, the first time I stepped in his second homeland, the first time he cooked for me, the first time we cooked together... Painfully sweet memories. 

And equally painfully bitter memories of the first time he shrugged my hand off,  the first time he betrayed me followed by many more betrayals, the first time he walked away from me, the first time I discovered I wasn't special to him at all because he would also cook for other women, the first time I realized he was an expert in manipulating people but I was too blinded by love, the first time I realized he was draining the life out of me... And trust, one of the big foundations, eroded. And acceptance, another important foundation, became an issue. To what extend can you accept a person's flaws? Because some flaws are pardonable in love, and certainly some are not. 

Beyond the bright lights, when it's all over, I see.

I fought the urge to ring his phone, like what I used to do whenever I missed his calls. He would reprimand me to always have my phone by my side because what if there is an emergency call I need to take? But my sleepiness got the better of me. I remember the many times I asked for favors only to fall on deaf ears. Empty words of wanting to be with me, but I realized, it was only because I was fun to be with. (My male friends used to tell me they liked being with me, but ours were more like brothers and sister.) I felt offended whenever he would tell me he doesn't want any drama, that he wants us to be happy always. Yet he was also the one who destroyed that "happiness". I gave up trying to comprehend his definition of happiness, because for me it apparently means only his happiness, mine is out of the equation. I couldn't be myself, I was losing myself, slowly in a  way that is heart-breaking. If I had to mask my real self, then he clearly does not want me, but the version of me that he idealized in his mind.

Tonight maybe I'll see the stars in the rain.

Rain fell again this afternoon. Hours later, I discovered this song while looking around for songs in Youtube. Tears fell again. Everything is sinking in. This is the difficult part, when you have to fight with every ounce of strength you have, fight off these feelings, fight off the reasons that made you love him so much because even though there were so many of them, they're all just part of the past. The present is more important.

And looking back we never exchanged vows. I did, but he never did. I vowed never to hurt him, vowed to always wait for him. I have not yet sworn to the moon so I can certainly take back my vows with the realization that love is never enough. In the end, I had to accept that what we had was only an imaginary relationship. I thought it was real, it wasn't for him. It took me more than a year to understand that simple yet important principle. 

So I am walking away on my own. No need for him to push me away.

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It still is a miracle to find myself at the top of my game at work and in school even under these circumstances. I have slowed down a bit, but I can definitely and proudly say that UP has instilled in me a strong sense of honor and excellence, strong foundations that will not easily be broken. But then, I feel that I have lost my spirit. 

Sagada Memories in Photos Part 1

Yorghurt House's omelette: my first meal on my second trip to Sagada. I had breakfast with two stranger-turned-friends. Met the two upon arrival at the town hall. They were also part of the planting project.

mixed fruits yoghurt: simple delight after a light meal

Sagada Brew

The famous Lemon Pie House which I still haven't tried. More reasons to go back. :)

T, K, and I saw this along the way when we explored the town. The first thing that came to mind upon seeing this was fat fried chicken! They laughed. It's not everyday that I get to see super chubby chickens.

Yoghurt House. Fond memories <3

The inscription reads "SAGADA AD 1921". The bell is located inside the church complex.

K and I encountered this house which I believed to be William Henry Scott's house. They say his library is still pretty much alive, but that most books have been discarded. AWWWWTS!!!

Sagada Weaving. The weavers of Sagada make excellent quality bags. On this trip I added a mailbag and a coin purse to my collection of woven bags. Next time I am buying one of those more pricey but more elegant bags for formal events.

Rocky Valley Inn and Cafe. Across this establishment we hanged out and waited t be picked up by one of the project leaders.

Took this photo while we were toured on wheels so not a lovely angle but I at least was able to snap a photo of the place where we used to stay way back in 2012.

chicken pesto past at P250:  it's light and it's tasty

Side stop to Lake Danum late in the afternoon only to be met by thick fog. I love sunsets but I also like fog (as long as no smoke is mixed in LOL) That is me in my 7 year old camisa de chino which dates back to my archaeo days and which I now wear for planting work.

In front of this altar I prayed and cried twice. Prayed for God to show me the way, to enlighten my mind, to lead me to peace, to lead me to the right people who can be truly family to me and who will treat me right. I remember the Light and I renew my vow to make her proud. I know she'd love to see finish my masters.

Corn and rice planted alternately on these mini terraces. The smell of both waft in the air. I super love Sagada!!!

The super cozy wooden cabin house where we stayed.  Super nice interiors.

Around this bonfiire we hanged out, debated, and told stories.

Just some random extra cute shiny beetle.

I got to try eating using this biodegradable plate. Yum yum! The pinikpikan is to die for. Never mind that it requires tortured chicken huhu. But the taste is exquisite.

the incubation area for seedlings before they are transferred to Mother Earth.

Sagada Memories: Stories

On the third week of June, I joined a coffee-planting volunteer work in Sagada. It was the perfect time to unwind, to go somewhere far where I had been and meet new people in the process. I was a bit heartbroken a few days prior because for the nth time, he hurt my feelings. Many would say that I am too sensitive. I do admit that, but it's only because I take great care not to offend nor hurt the ones I love that I expect the same from them. This June opened my eyes to the reality that he never loved me. He never cared for me and he never respected me. As I have said in my previous post, he is just a pretentious boy who has to rely on deceit to get by. Strong people would never resort to such lowly tactics because strong people protect, they do not hurt other people. So if there is one truth he said, it is that he is weak. He can brag about his many achievements, but those things do not define a  man; relations do, being a mindful and compassionate person does.

A few days before I left for Sagada, we met up because he needed help and I, as usual, wanted to be there for him. Only to be disrespected. We met his friends and they were talking in their own native language, without even thinking if I felt out of place. I can catch some of the words thanks to my training in Bahasa but most I do not comprehend. I felt so sleepy (as usual) after our dinner at a simple eatery. The place serves really good grilled stuff mostly grilled chicken (no squid though...). I got offended when he invited his FEMALE friend (whom he says is already engaged.. or married? I don't care) to swim at his place, WHEN HE NEVER INVITED ME. And he was just super insensitive and kept on asking me what's wrong with me. A boy can never comprehend a woman when he refuses to take the effort to. Then came one of the most heartbreaking part when he left me alone in the streets at night all of a sudden, bringing my backpack down on the ground and walking away to hail a cab. At least he was still nice enough to carry my heavy backpack that night (#sarcasm).

But we patched things up that night. Yet after that night, things were never the same again. I didn't even cry when it happened. It opened my eyes that I was dating an immature boy who only cares about himself. He says I was controlling him. He was swallowed by paranoia, thinking that me helping him meant I wanted to control him. It only made me see that the relationship is really going nowhere. He never did trust me, despite him always saying he does so. That incident made me rethink our relationship, made me question my choices to love him with all my heart. You can always love a person, but should stop when that person refuses to be loved. Take it or leave it, there's no in-between.

So going back to Sagada, which should be the heart of this post: the night of my departure, I told him I was in the bus terminal, hoping he would come visit me even for a while to see me off. Nothing of the sort happened. Stubborn me, I reprimanded myself back then. Why did I keep on hoping for him to do things for me??? He couldn't even face my parents, he had to be forced to meet my sisters. With a heavy heart I left Manila for Sagada, that place in the north where he traveled with his French girlfriend whom he is proud to have. He always is proud to have had a French girl and even planned to marry her despite that circumstances in which they met. What decent guy would marry a girl who got drunk and got inside a stranger's room to make out with a stranger? And I being idealistic, believing in the power of humans to change, didn't make much of it. The present is always more important. So while in the bus, when I was not sleeping I was crying. Coz... they play sappy music in the bus... Makes me remember the days when he was sweet to me and makes me wonder if he really did love me, even one bit. (Okay I will stop, he clearly DOES NOT!!! Dear girl, quit your delusions!)

In Sagada, I met nice people who somehow took my mind off him. I met interesting women. One is an almost 40 year old woman but still looks young, probably because of her outlook in life. She is very motherly and it makes me wonder why no guy pursued her. (But oh well, only boys roam the world, boys who like the superficial.) She was with her friend who was able to study in Australia on a scholarship. The friend is a daughter of a former government official and although the family name is extraordinary, I failed to make a connection until later. In fact, they had to tell me. LOL. Another is a quiet woman, already married and whose husband is working abroad. She is a businesswoman and has made herself financially independent thus allowing herself to travel alone even without the support of her husband. But my heart was shattered when I learned that she is having an affair. Just what is wrong with the world??? We had a heart-to-heart talk before we parted ways and that was when she shared her story. I, of course, cautioned her against continuing the affair. I told her, that I understand her needs; her husband is away, but THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. When you marry someone, you commit to the relationship, you commit to being a good wife to your husband (or being a good husband to your wife). Besides, the person she's having an affair with is also married and has kids. Being a homewrecker will not make her happy. So I shared with her how my dad destroyed my view of males, how angry I was (still am) at him when we learned of his affairs. And I asked her to think what if his child grows up to be like me? I reminded her that this is no win-win situation.

I was reminded of the time when someone asked me out for a date but who turned out to be already married. When I found out, I already liked him a bit. But you will know how strong you are when you are able to walk away from temptations. And I just did. So whenever I think of my frailty, I will always think of that moment when I fought myself hard to do the right thing before our "friendship" deepens and before I do something that will cause me guilt all of my life. That is how fidelity works. You nip it in the bud. You do as Ulysses did when he ordered his men to tie him up and put ear plugs on to resist the seductive sirens. Such preventive mechanism will enable you to step away from things that you will regret later. They say that affairs usually start out as innocent friendship. But it blossoms because you spend too much time together than necessary. You know you are in big trouble when you are more concerned about this extra lover than about your official lover (i.e. husband/ wife). It is also this reason that whenever I talk to my male friends, I would make it a point to tell them about A, to send the message that I am already off-limits. (Only to find out later on that he dated a girl in his class with whom he shared my work and he told her that "we used to date". "Used to" when at that time we were still good. So what does that make him?)

So going back to the people I met in Sagada... There was this one doctor who seemed to have not yet moved on  from his breakup. I don't know the full story but "motherly friend" (hereinafter T) and "popular daughter" (hereinafter K) told me that he was all out in his recent relationship and was disappointed because the girl's efforts were minute compared to his. He was emphasizing EFFORT. I do understand where he is coming from and I feel sorry for  him. Girls normally put in much effort, too much effort even, for the men they love. But then, I also acknowledge that bitches also exist. (Of course we only got to hear his side of the story... So okay, the skeptic in me is making a lot of questions... LOL) One evening, I joined them around the campfire. They were drinking and chatting. I just wanted to see how they drink. I like observing people when I am not engaging them. So I sat beside T and K and he invited me to sit closer to him. Of course, I didn't do that because he was already drunk. They offered me a drink and I put a former professor's wise words to practice. Since I don't drink I usually feel out of place. One way of still becoming one with the group is to accept the drink but to announce for everyone to hear that such is my first and last because I DO NOT DRINK. PERIOD. So no amount of coaxing will work. (I don't understand why people become alcoholic. Alcohol tastes bad.. EWWW!!!)

They asked me if I had any companion in the project (none), my reasons for joining (vacation break), and why I travel alone (to challenge myself, though actually the real challenge for me is travelling with incompatible companions). I think they were expecting me to say that I was looking for love in Sagada following the popularity of the movie "That Thing Called Tadhana". I forgot what our topic was but then when asked about something, I casually replied, "because boys are uncaring." And he couldn't accept it, demanding answers all night long until we had to put out the fire at 10PM. LOL. Funny experience! But the strange thing is, although he was drunk, I didn't feel scared of him. I normally distance myself from drunk people. Maybe because I sensed a loadful of loneliness and frustrations in him. Empath mode on again. Sigh. I will really drain myself out fast if this keeps going.

The only other person who doesn't drink is X (I forgot her name...). She graduated from a private all-girls' school known for social activism. Needless to say, she works in the development sector and plans to take up further studies abroad. She's a people person and it's not hard to see that she has a strong personality. Meeting her made me realize that most of those in the development sector come from well-off family and I came to formulate that there is a general pattern. No wonder those who are selected in foreign scholarship programs are mostly from rich families, because they have access to these experiences which are not readily available to the average person who is most likely to end up a corporate slave in a private firm (ehem). And it is a misconception that salaries in NGOs and social work are small. Heck no, they are even bigger compared to those in the corporate world. So it got me thinking, is this the modern day version of elite cooptation? Of course there are exceptions. I have a friend who was a product of the public school system and who had so much grit she was able to get one of the most coveted slots in Japanese scholarship program. 

I could have taken my time in getting to know everyone in the project. But then the group was big so my introvert self was screaming to be alone.

Vietnomnom and Some Childhood Memories

On the last Sunday of May after our annual pilgrimage to Antipolo, we headed to Maginhawa for lunch. Times like this, even though disputes with my father are endless, I know that there are times he wants to close the gap between us two. I was (probably still am?) his favorite, and he used to be my ally whenever my mother would pick on me. In my childhood days, I viewed my mother as a monster, and fantasized about my yaya being my real mother. My mother has always had a penchant for releasing her frustrations on me. When, as a young child, I saw my then five or six year old aunt on a pony in a photograph, I took the photo and claimed it was me. Memories are always blurred (that's why I keep this online journal) and they have a funny way of being remembered, like how that visit to a Vietnamese restaurant made me experience again that my father still loves me. (Coz you know, food is love.)

chicken bowl: a lovely mix of greens and meat on rice.

shrimp pomelo salad: cheaper here compared to other establishments. Super love the sauce. Also, super love the pomelo because it's not everyday that one gets to eat sweet pomelo. (And I remember someone special who brought two pomelos from Davao for me, the first (and last...) time he brought me something from his travels.)

mushroom roll: hands down my favorite in this resto!!!

This is a super late post. I normally let it pass when it's been a long time but then I want to document our food trips after the Antipolo pilgrimage. Last year it was at Alex III along Matalino St. The most memorable one is when I was in high school and we stopped at Grilla where I discovered my love for grilled food. Yum!!!

First Night in New House

Around this time last month, my parents, a sister, and I slept in our new house in the north. It was a tiring day having to unload all our stuff from the car and then finding the space to place our things. The house is smaller than our previous house and we had to move due to financial difficulties. (It is hard to do business in PH because of poor government implementation. We have brilliant minds and brilliant ideas that look good only on paper but do not get carried out faithfully in real life. In addition to that, traditional people need to keep up with the fast-changing world lest they lose in the rat race. The world is already full of evil and cunning people, the ones who will do everything just to get to the top.  I wonder how they can sleep soundly at night knowing the harm they do to other people. Okaaaay, I digress...)

Since the stove and cooking utensils were still in our former house, we had dinner at a restaurant nearby. We had all my favorite food: roast beef, calamares, and tempura. During lunchtime, I only had mangoes and rice because my dad bought lechon liempo and I got furious because he hadn't thought of me. (I don't like pork.) We also bought Jollibee chickenjoy meals but these were just enough for the workers. What happened was, on the way to the new house, we stopped by a Jollibee drive-through and ordered value meals while my sister went down to buy our food in the shop besiide Jollibee. After getting our purchases, we waited for sister at the exit. Much to my dismay, she bought lechon liempo (roast pork) instead of lechon manok (roast chicken). Since we were in a hurry, I resigned myself to fate. Thank heavens we brought mangoes with us. At least it felt like eating sushi.

roast beef: we all love the sauce

Like the calamares, the tempura lacks character and taste. Maybe the cook forgot to add salt!!!

We slept super late that night because there still were a lot of things to do. It was a simple night: the parents slept on a matress-less bed, made comfortable only by the thick blanket I was able to bring. My sister and I shared the sofa bed. Good thing I was able to bring a small pillow. Since we were all dead tired, we fell asleep immediately only to be woken by barks outside and my paranoid parents grew suspicious and anxious. Thank God the next day was a holiday.

CIBO and Ticket to Ride

Yesterday, I didn't report for work. I found it difficult to focus since I still thought of him a lot. I shouldn't but I couldn't help it. Downloading many of Ajahn Brahm's witty and humorous videos should help IF I found the time to listen to his lectures, especially on letting go and regaining peace. But then many things are in my mind these days and he should no longer be competing with these things. (For one, there's paper revision, then there are projects at the office to take care of, and then there are personal things I also need to address especially concerning our transfer to a new  house.)

So yesterday I went back to Makati. It's the third time this month that I took the MRT to go south. I was on a mini break to do errands. Since the places I need t o visit are near my former office place, I contacted my close friends for a quick meetup and maybe even lunch. It was nice to be around such people again. They have these day jobs, but they also live a very productive life outside of work. Most of them are musicians. One is even a recent Palanca awardee. A very close friend K is very good at art. Two I know to be good at sketching and drawing. I never felt like I was different although I was not really the creative type, but then I was a bit of everything, but mostly the nerdy one.

Being able to catch up with A and K2 was something I really hadn't planned carefully. It just so happened that I was visiting at a time when A was on her last day in the company. K was out of town. K2 was aloof as usual. Since A will be leaving the country today, I joined her in her last-minute shopping. Crazy girl as always. But she has guts and I like her for that. After my errands, I asked K2 is he was willing to accompany me for late lunch at Cibo since the resto was having a promo (today's the last day) that I wouldn't  want to pass up. Thankfully he said yes. I actually just wanted to have a long talk with him since he was one of the very few people who was with me when things went downhill last year. And he himself has issues of his own. So it really wasn't a surprise that we would have a  very long conversation given that we rarely chat and meet. I was a bit happy when he told me compared to last year I looked more relaxed. I told him I'm regaining my Buddhistic attitude in life, to detach and let go, and shared to him the outlook hoping he finds it beneficial, too.

pesto pasta. YUM! (and also because it's one of the cheapest in the menu... I am on a tight budget!!!)

K2's cake. yum yum

Then off to school only to find that our prof was not in. My HS friends and I agreed to run around UP since we all are complaining about our figures. (My arms are flabbier than ever that I feel like I have a  pair of batwings. Boo.) As alternative, I proposed that we go shoot some arrows instead since it's been 10 years since I last held a bow. And this archer definitely can profit from the activity to release all the pent up anger. But they arrived late. I eve finished doing three out of sixteen units of homework.

So we ended up at a games restaurant where we played Ticket to Ride Europe version plus several rounds of Exploding Kittens. I felt like a master after winning. I am already in love with the game. So now, I have this and Resistance as my favorite. Hoping to play more games.

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My dear college friend R and her friends (who are also my friends now, by extension) introduced me to the wonderful board game Ticket to Ride. The goal is to be able to complete the routes that you picked taking into consideration limited resources (train coach pieces) as well as the possibility that other players may need to place their train coaches on the same lines. It's a pretty cool strategy game but sad to say, I sucked when we played the US version. I guess I must be bringing my anti-US stance to the game. LOL. So when we shifted to Europe version, that's when I was able to shine. Or maybe it was sheer luck.

Today I went to the archery range to let go of arrows. I am in bad shape but I know I can improve. Also planned to fire some bullets but the shop was already closed. I will have to visit Cubao for that. Boo. :(

#RoadtoMovingOn (because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anyway, so what's the use of holding on?)

"Ended" Story

For quite a while, whenever we have a petty fight, Yuna Ito's "Endless Story" automatically plays in my mind. Like, whenever I would think that maybe finally he changed his mind about being with me, then it would be the end of our story. He has salvaged our relationship many times and I could feel that in the way he would find time to be with me especially when I worry too much. Because once I move on, there is really no turning back. I have done this countless times to people who took me for granted and it shocked them that sweet Melo can be capable of such coldness. It is not coldness, it is respecting yourself enough to walk away from people  who do not and cannot reciprocate the good that I share with them. In this world of more than seven billion people, I believe that when you find one good person, you must treasure him/her.

"If you haven't changed your mind, I want you to be by my side tonight. I'm tired of trying to be strong and I am too immature. Every time I think about you baby. Now I am saying this: "I miss you". It's so hard to say that I'm sorry. I want to sing this song only to you and not to just anyone. It's an endless story which will continue to shine always. I want to tell you, forever.

"Memories of our time together, don't erase them, don't go away. Just let them melt away. I will be sure these tender drops spread to all parts of my heart. I miss you so much to the point of hurting. Don't let go of our overlapping hands. If one of wishes can be granted, I wish to be able to sing this song for you, an endless story filled with endless love. Tell me why, tell me, always forever."

Two days prior to sending the le-go email, I watched 5 Centimeter Per Second, an animated Japanese movie that got me crying until the following day while at work. Something in the movie tugged at my heartstrings, like how Tohno did not keep in touch so he had to bear all the pain of not being with Akari, how their childhood memories continue to haunt and torment him even after so many years have passed.

"I always end up looking for your smile, to appear somewhere

At the railroad crossing, waiting for the express to pass

Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place

If our lives could be repeated, I would be at your side every time

I would want nothing else

Besides you, nothing else matters" 

(trans. probably by the one who posted the video on YT)

But I really should stop hoping for things to be better. As he said, I was the one letting go. Now I am experiencing my first difficult heartbreak and I do not know how to handle it, do not know if I am handling it well. As when I was in Taiwan in the midst of our getting to know each other, I was stupidly hoping we'd somehow bump into each other then. Even though I know it is next to impossible because he cannot travel abroad. When Yamazaki's song played at the end of the movie, my heart was ripped to shreds. I wonder if he thought of me in the same way Tohno always thought of Akari? I wonder if he also misses me to the point that he also searches for me even in places where he knows I will not be in.

Time to grow up and face the cold reality.

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Crying while typing and listening to "One More Time, One More Chance". But I guess once words are exchanged, one can never bring them back. I bet he'll just laugh if ever he chances upon this post. Silly girl. All the drama. All the things he hated in me. I wonder if there will come a time when I won't be hoping for another "One More Time, One More Chance", when I finally move on like Akari. I guess it's pointless to ask these questions when he himself has repeatedly told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Let time flow and let hearts be healed in their time.

New Everything

By the time August ends, everything will be new.

We are finally moving in to a new house which is even further away from my favorite places in Metro Manila. I feel sad not having taken full advantage of having the LRT and MRT within reach; I could have spent more time at CCP and the National Museum. Guess I will have to rely on holidays to visit these places. Moving to our new place means that I might be quitting many of my activities. Maybe it's time.

I finally broke it off with him following months of compromise while feeling unwanted. Him pushing me away while denying it was difficult. Some boys are too immature to own up and quit when they're no longer happy. They do everything they can to make the girl quit because THEY DON'T WANT THE BLAME TO BE ON THEM. Classic jerks. Him showing me disrespect by ALWAYS taking about other girls whom he sees frequently while denying he's dating them was the last straw. Once a flirt, always a flirt. I should have listened to our former classmates who at the onset had been warning me about him. They found a flirt and a user in him. Me being so naive and being someone who sees more of the positive in a person, threw caution to the winds. I only ended up hit by a violent hurricane.

First there were changes in priorities. Then came the breakdown in communication. Then there were the deliberate attempts to either make me jealous or make me see that I am just an option. That was the last straw. You can never trust a person who constantly lies to get what he wants. What my classmates say that he is only using me echoes in my head as I was typing my let-go email that starting that night of 23rd. I ended up sending him on the 24th, which, later on I realized, was my dreaded number. But maybe 24 isn't so bad after all, when you finally are seeing the light in this mad, dark relationship full of lies, deceit, manipulations. The naive me wanted to believe and trust still, but I know this will only be detrimental to my own health and sanity. They say, when a relationship forces you to grow, it is good. He pushed me to try new things, and for that I thank him.

We jived so well at the start. Everything was going well. Then came the ugly truths, then he showed his true self. Pretensions disgust me as much as infidelity does. Both are two sides of the same coin. How can you trust someone who turns out to be just a pretentious insecure chauvinist/narcissist who can't go beyond himself and who is so full of hatred and misery he only pushes those who care for him away? And I go back to our first dates when he said what he liked about me is me being not pretentious. What you see is what you get. Unlike him, I do not have the need to pretend because I am very much secure of myself, and I have very strong values and life principles. He, on the other hand, has his beliefs anchored in what is convenient and what can produce the greatest benefit for him. Realist him vs. idealist me. So it makes sense that the last few months there were so many fights with him attacking my idealism to the point of calling me self-righteous. As it turns out, my authenticity has become overwhelming.

Everything was sudden. It was not part of the plan. We even watched Patay na Si Hesus together. But I guess something in the movie triggered something in me. I was reminded that there was nothing I could hold on to because he couldn't commit anyway. I suddenly remembered that we're not really boyfriend/girlfriend even though he does something sweet for me sometimes. But later on he would tell me that he'd do the same for his other female friends. FLIRT. So I realized I wan't so special to him after all. Then I came to piece things together and concluded that what they tell me about him is true. And he never bothered to pursue me. I fell into his trap of being the one to give up, a trap that I would also willingly fall into. NOW I CAN MORE CONFIDENTLY SAY THAT WHEN A GIRL GIVES UP ON A BOY, IT IS BECAUSE THE BOY IS A JERK who cannot properly love a girl. And what he says about me being family is something I question because YOU DON'T DISRESPECT FAMILY. YOU TREAT THEM RIGHT. YOU PRIORITIZE THEM.

So after work on Friday I visited a beauty parlor and had my hair cut after eight months. Everytime something happens in my life when I feel the need to change, I have a haircut. It is also timely since I have been seeing a lot of split ends. That, and the need to save on shampoo. Long hair is costly to maintain. And, I will definitely enjoy again that light feeling when the wind blows through my hair.

And maybe, just maybe, I will be transferring to a new job. I have recently found that that my dream job exists!!! Okay, not the ultimate dream job, but definitely one of my dream jobs. I don't know how I will be able to deliver though because it would entail sacrificing my extracurricular activities. But then, who knows? I can just throw my life to the winds again. Who knows where it leads me to?

And I always have God. The Muslims have a favorite phrase, "Inshaallah". It means "God willing", an equivalent of my prayer "God's will be done". Because whatever happens, I will trust in God alone. I will trust his wisdom because he is a just, merciful, compassionate God. (Except my outlook in life is still very Buddhistic.) Come what may, I know that whatever is happening right now is bound to positively affect my immediate future.

I have let go, after countless time of listening to Ajahn Brahm while spending countless nights in tears. That day I composed my let-go email, I was listening to his lecture on letting go. So I am finally letting go. I am finally accepting that things should end, should be destroyed for a rebirth, for a new beginning. And I can't wait for more of life's surprises.

So, dearest me, always put yourself first. Never forget to love yourself first. Because out of proper self-love (not the narcissistic kind), shall compassion and kindness flow out from your heart and onto others. Aristotle was right. 

Tarak Ridge 01222017

My first hike this year happened in January, just when classes were starting. So before I get busy, I joined a group to hike in Tarak Ridge, the famed place where many get lost and where some ha to rescued because their supplies ran out while they tried to find their way back to the jump off point.

Never would I imagine that I would suffer almost the same fate were it not for my "detective" skills and rational thinking. At the onset, I was left behind by the group that I joined. So I hitched a ride with another group who were also headed to Tarak Ridge. I could have ditched the first group but then I worry about the organizer worrying about me although I was a fool to think that because he didn't even bother to count his members when they left the barangay hall. Stupid me is now left wondering what if I joined the group that took me to the jump-off point. They were a group of friends who like the outdoors... that means a solid group with common interests compared to a bunch of strangers clumped together by an organizer who couldn't even take care of his members.

But anyway, even without a friend, I was able to survive. I was with a group of newbies. I could tell by the things that they have, the "in" things of a "true mountaineer" except they are years away from becoming real mountaineers because 1. they are noisy in the mountains, 2. they do not care about the LNT principles, 3. they have no care about their fellow hikers, 4. they only hike for the selfies. Nothing wrong with number 4, but I observe that those I look up to do not take selfies. Instead, they take photos of the view. I, on the other hand, take photos of plants and whatever insects I encounter.

On the way to the top, I was first among the group, probably because the rest were already tired. On the way down, I took a wrong turn so I ended up in the middle. But then those in front of me were already far away. Those behind me were still not yet finished with selfies. So I found myself alone most of the time. And I almost got lost. Four freaking times. But good thing I was able to meet some hikers (not from our group) along the way so I at least wasn't so scared. But then nearing the river, a couple of times I almost took the wrong way. But good thinking saved me. Indicators of unused trails were clues. For instance, I noticed thick spider webs. Another is the sudden loss of footprints (thank God it rained a bit). Another is forced clearing of a path although the path is still not that obvious unless you look hard. When I finally was able to rejoin the group, one commented that "wow, you're really used to hiking alone, don't you feel scared?", he sounded like he couldn't believe that a nerd-looking gal like me could survive on my own. I told him with a smile, "of course I am afraid, this is Tarak Ridge after all. But then, you have here a strong, brave, independent, and smart woman."

And we got home very late, way behind the schedule because they all had to take a bath. I just wiped off dirt on my faces and arms with baby wipes since I prefer to take a long hot bath at home. So while they were bathing, I slept in the van.

*************************************************************************

But then people will not like you when you're too smart and too courageous for a typical woman. Well, if they think I was already too masculine, wait until they get to meet the women I look up to! Anyway, what that boy told me made me reflect on how people are swallowed by the dictates of society when it comes to masculinity and femininity, as if certain traits should only be for males! Why can't boys love a woman who is brave and smart? One theory says that the male ego is insecure when faced with a strong woman. (And it doesn't help that I have become rather wary of boys.) I want to see the day I meet a real man.

Dohtonbori 12222016

H and I make it a point to meet at least once a year. She is four years my junior, a Math wizard and a sudoku grandmaster. We got to know each other and became friends way back when I was about to finish high school and she was just about to complete grade school. Both of us were exposed to competitions, she excelled in Math whereas I was the jill of all trades, master of none. But then because she is much more focused, she is able to create a niche in a field she loves so much. I, on the other hand, loves life in general, so much so that focusing on just one thing is out of the question. 

December of last year was when we last met, after my two travels and I just want to update her on my research. She has been helpful in introducing me to her friend and fellow Math coach based in Mindanao. Although the friend and I failed to meet, at least we were able to communicate and I was able to express my interest in their school for my research.

So anyway, she is up to whatever I like, probably because she doesn't go out much. She has been to many countries for competitions up until now and I am a bit jealous because she gets to travel a lot. But then those are the kind of travels that are highly structured because of course the contests are the primary reason, the field trips are just an added bonus. I still prefer to travel the way I like, on a shoestring budget, getting to interact with locals, and really discovering things on my own. So anyway, we both agreed to dine at Dohtonbori.

Super yummy pancakes but the price makes our wallets bleed. But then it's something that we both would like to visit again. For me, anything with seaweeds and bonito flakes are sure to be yummified!

H's order of meat okonomiyaki (I didn't get to take a photo of my squid mix)

a bit of oil then this, like you would cook a pancake

must be on low fire; it takes long to cook (the two are rice balls)

the awesome sweet  sauce

mayo and seaweeds

and top with lots of bonito flakes

Eating Alone is Never Lonely

Lately I have gone back to my old ways of spending time napping in the sleeping room in the workplace and then using the remaining 15 minutes for a quick lunch. I sleep early these days, 2 hours earlier than before when I used to go home from work. My rented place is just ten minutes from the office and so I am happily now able to eat dinner at an earlier time and to read my books.

And because people at the office prefer to eat first than nap, I usually have lunch alone. Yesterday was no different. A colleague saw me as I was in the middle of lunch and said, “It’s not fun to eat alone.” And inside my mind, I was like, huh??? In what way is eating alone not fun? I thought to myself, poor girl probably hasn’t traveled alone yet.

In many societies, eating is a communal activity. To some people including me, eating is a form of meditation, my me-time. This is not to say that I do not enjoy some company when eating, but what I am saying is that having company or not, I eat well and I take advantage of the situation regardless of what it is. Meaning, if I eat with people, I take the opportunity to get to know them better (and sometimes to try out their food. LOL) If I eat alone, I take the opportunity to know myself better, because it provides me with time for myself. Normally my work hours are consumed by meeting different kinds of people which makes me prone to energy depletion (although people find it incredible when I say I am an introvert because I get along well with anyone)

So anyway, back to eating alone. I remember an ex-officemate who is vocal about not wanting to eat alone. For her it just is plain lonely and uncomfortable and she doesn’t get to enjoy her food. I find it curious, then as now, because maybe I do not have any issue on eating either with company or not. For me, eating is eating. It’s your interaction with food that should weigh more because you only get to eat, what, three to four times a day. (Although I am also guilty of small snacks thanks to chocolates and chips office people give to me especially when they know I am meeting deadlines. And I am not ashamed to say that I feel loved when people give me food. What more, when people cook for me.)

Perhaps it has something to do with me doing solo travels. One of the things I always look forward to when traveling is having full liberty to stop somewhere when I find interesting eats. Another is dining at recommended restaurants (mostly seafood restaurants) where I get to observe how people eat what. That, eating and savoring the food without thinking of the time, is I think, a form of meditation that everyone should experience once in a while. It makes you think how food is produced, prepared, and served to you. It makes you feel more grateful for the abundance of the earth. At the same time, it makes you think about mans greed and lack of concern for the environment, how we foolishly opt to have cemented jungles instead of thriving, cultivable land that can address food shortage. Eating alone seems like a lonely activity, but you don’t really feel that lonely when you think about how everything is interconnected and interdependent.

Lettuce and Apple Salad

Last month, I put myself under an austerity program because of many things that are happening all at the same time. For one, I purchased a new laptop because my Fujitsu's monitor is broken and replacement is difficult because the monitor is not a common one. Second, I finally decided to be a migrant worker and rent a place near my workplace because traffic is getting worse and I couldn't seem to do the things I want to do like read books and just enjoy music; every night I arrive home I just want to sleep. Third, I want to save up again to travel.

So last month, it just so happened that my brother visited Baguio and brought home balls of lettuce. Cute. My mom still had lettuce left which we bought from Camp Benjamin. I just couldn't resist the urge so I took some to the office for dinner, together with two bottle of Kewpie: one roasted sesame, the other spicy cheese. Yummy!

Lettuce and cubed apples in Spicy Cheese dressing

Chinese Bowl

I will be reporting for work later in the day so I took the opportunity to explore the contents of my third external hard drive. It came into being when my laptop of almost five years needed to be replaced due to monitor problems. And it had to be at the time when the semester was about to end last May, as I was busy with papers and take-home exams. When the monitor was just showing black, I decided, this is it. Time for a new machine. I initially told A I would try to get the laptop fixed but he somehow convinced me to get a new one to save myself the trouble. (I incurred an INC last year because of it, too. How uncooperative!)

So anyway, today as I was browsing through pictures, I happened to find a screenshot of a scene from a movie, a continuation of the J-drama Hana Yori Dango.

What's so special about this screenshot? I myself thought, what the hell was I doing last June 5, 2014 and whatever made me capture this scene? And good thing that 2014 me was sensible enough to encircle in red what got me to take this screenshot: that Chinese bowl! We have the same Chinese bowl at home. 

Lots of changes. Things that used to matter, things that used to move me, things that used to be important, suddenly they do not seem to be much for me now.

Sick

So yesterday I afternoon while at work, I felt funny. I had my jacket on and yet I still felt cold. I kept asking my colleagues who were seated close to me if they felt cold and they said yes. So in a way I dismissed thoughts of me getting sick. In my head, I was thinking, this cannot be happening!!! I still have tons of papers to work on and a mountain pile of readings I haven't touched. That, plus the fact that getting sick on a weekend is NOT acceptable.

But then on the way home, I had to fight the urge to sleep. I know that once I succumbed to sleep I might not be able to get home. My head hurt. My body muscles ached. I was feeling hot. I had to accept that I was really feverish.

So the moment I got home, I drank lots of water and went to sleep immediately. Only I couldn't sleep because feeling hot makes me uncomfortable. I hate that feeling of heat trapped inside of my body. I just wanted to sweat and escape to dreamland. When my sisters and mother came home from Friday mass, I grabbed some ice to cool myself. Yeah, I had to rest a bit. I was too tired to make calamansi juice.

Times like this, I really miss the Light of my life, miss the only person who I know will be by my side when I fall sick. Even during college days when I started to go hiking, she would be the only one who would understand that I need some leg massage. She would always make sure that our room has a steady supply of Omega painkillers or Efficascent Oil, because I am prone to having intestinal gas. That, or when I go hiking and come back home with an aching body. When I have fever, she would patiently prepare ice and towel for me, plus my favorite calamansi juice. She never bothered to force me to take medicines, knowing fully well how stubborn I can be. She would wake up during odd hours to check up on me and to provide me with a new shirt because I can really sweat out when my body releases that trapped heat.

But I guess I will have to live without her now. Everyday I say to myself, "Little girl no more". 

2017 Holy Week Musings

Today is Easter. While I normally do not like special days because they are heavily exploited by capitalists, sometimes, special days are needed to remind us of the things that are important to us. It just depends on us if we want to be swallowed by the system or if we are confident enough of our own authenticity to let systems dictate our lives.

Earlier this week, prior to the Holy Week, I went out with two friends on separate occasions. On Tuesday, learning too late that classes were suspended, a friend and I decided to explore Maginhawa for some cheap eats. We both have relationship issues and I know he needed some cheering up. He also cautions me about potential pitfalls in my current relationship and keeps on reminding me to address the issues as early as possible to save unnecessary heartbreak. 

I appreciate the concern. It's not as if we were not talking about those issues. We did, sporadically, in bits and bites, not in a long conversation. It is uncomfortable, awkward... I also want to really know his thoughts but oftentimes I feel myself being blocked and pushed away. The resistance is too great. A question for a question. No definite answers. I learned to mimic him, but perhaps he doesn't even know it. I can be the most transparent person, but if I find myself not getting the honesty and integrity I can offer, I clam up.

Before we parted ways, I felt sad for him. He seemed like a nice guy. But even nice guys have flaws. In around four hours that we talked, I interrogated him, made him see where the gaps were, as if I were Doctor Love. I couldn't even bring the man I love to talk about serious stuffs. Pressure, he would always raise as an excuse. I may have been brutal. He was hurting still, but I still asked questions that I know could trigger memories. That is how you help a friend, you help him or her face uncomfortable situations head on. I don't know if it will work for him, I hope it does. Talking about problems sometimes help lift the gravity of the situation.

The following day, no class again. A friend whom I asked to fetch my jacket for me in Miag-ao is back. I left my jacket, a gift from Island Boy back in 2015, which he gave me on the day we last saw each other. I tried to like him then, if only because he was nice to me, but he really isn't my type. To this day he still sends PM on Facebook which I largely ignore. It's been two years, I have told him to stop, but he is still there, so I just ignore his messages. I never create false hopes for anyone.

So anyway, R at first was reluctant to get my jacket back for me. For weeks we seemed to have grown cold because R was not willing to do me a favor. I was a but hurt because he would be in Miag-ao anyway so why not get my jacket? Maybe there are other reasons but if there were, he could have explained so I would understand. Then again, in the end, he did get my jacket for me. We had to meet up so I could get it back. Yet again, he asked me about A. I said I am trying my best not to think about him much, that I should focus on my own well-being. I am having chest pains again, and if this keeps on, I might die within a year, or less. Stupid girl falling so hard in love with someone who turned out to not able to reciprocate, someone who couldn't be considerate of my feelings when I have always been too gentle and patient with him because I know how broken he is. Yet in the process, I didn't know how I have also been dragged down emotionally. A meeting with a former classmate noticed that my aura has changed, telling me she felt sad to see that the brightness in my eyes that she loved so much, was replaced by sadness. That was two months ago. Her words never left my mind.

I tried to regain my peace of mind. I wanted to show her that maybe that was temporary. I wanted to fight for A, for us. But slowly I found myself looking at the present situation, as if replaying the events of last year. Uncertainties. Mind games. Manipulations. What is it that makes it so hard to leave him???  Maybe we both are just waiting for the other to make the move. I wonder if he truly is happy with me, as he says he is. If so, why does it feel like I an only contributing to his list of problems. He would never acknowledge the things that I do, until recently when I talked to him about it. He would always dismiss moments of intimacy that I tried to create as drama, until recently when I raised the issue. For a time that made me secure in our relationship. He was changing bit by bit. I always appreciate that he knows when I am upset, even since last year. He knowd how to make me laugh, because a silly girl like me is easy to please.

But there are things from last year that remain in my head. Him saying, "I want to make my parents happy" says a lot about how his parents will always come first, even perhaps in matters of marriage and relationships. So imagine how hurt I was when I found out his dad is still currently pursuing the girl they want him to marry, even after meeting me. For me that speaks volumes. They simply do not like me. Because I am not one of them, because I do not share the same religion. And they say the Chinese are too exclusive. So that confirms that this relationship is indeed goung nowhere, although he says he still wants to have the last say on that. Then again, that would be displeasing his parents.

If there is anything consistent, it is inconsistency. Does it ever contribute to a strong foundation in a relationship?

Ruined Plans and Some Reflection

Been busy the past few weeks and it seems like with all the things that are happening, with all the demands made from me in particular, I have been stressing myself out. I have always taken pride in taking things in stride but anxiety for my future is growing and most times I have to silence the voices in my head. A and I planned to spend half of the Holy Week together but his work ruined our travel plans. It cannot be helped. Guy loves his work too much. So we decided on an alternative so we can still spend quality time together.

So after agreeing on the alternative, I have been counting down the days, while reading up on recipes and thinking of tweaking recipes in my head. I have been picking out some books that I would bring, even decided on some movies. He was busy but I trusted that even without him texting me for days, the plan would materialize.

Only to find out last night that he invited his cousins over and so the plans we made were instantly cancelled. He offered to take me out for dinner on Friday instead but I didn't know what to say. Betrayal again. Excuses again. Excuses which make no sense. Everything makes me question his sincerity again. It does not help that lately I have been feeling down following the many undesirable happenings at work and at home. There is this growing feeling to detach, to go out somewhere far all alone to rethink about things.

I have been contemplating about resignation. Not because I am stressed. I still think it is still manageable. But I question how the organization puts incompetent people in leadership roles, people who cannot even comprehend the simplest concepts, people who do not know how to lead people, how to open up opportunities for the company and for its talented people. Office politics certainly play a big role. But if it is stronger and more salient than meritocracy, the company to headed towards doomsday.

So the question is, to still try to turn things around when it's been so difficult because your voice is not heard and listened to, or to leave the boat sinking because I could be wasting time. It is so hard when you find yourself exerting too much effort only for others to disregard them, to be unappreciated, to be regarded as an eccentric who must be isolated simply for being different.

And I realized how my relationship with A and my dilemma in the office are two faces of the same problem. When you can no longer get what you need, you simply move on to wherever can satisfy your needs. That is the rational way of thinking. On the other hand, these challenges may be what will propel you to be your best self, to turn these challenges into opportunities to show and teach others about compassion, oneness, honesty, integrity... Values that should be given much prominence again in this world wounded by strife and conflict and much injustice. I remember giving the same advice my ex supervisor gave me once, about cultivating first, because planting the small seeds is the first difficult step, the first of many steps towards real change.

Every night I still cry. I wonder what the future holds. I am not beautiful, in the ordinary mortal's sense of the word. (But I am cute and attractive. :P) But I know I am beautiful spiritually and intellectually, and it will take an extraordinary person to appreciate that. The masters of today are fake apostles; they preach earthly glory, they aim to seek material wealth. Then again, the sages of yore, their teachings come to me. Detach. Enjoy the present. Silence the mind. Rejuvenate the soul.

Okay, Masters, I will silence my mind. Lotus Bud will grow into a big strong beautiful flower amidst the highly polluted world. Shine your light of wisdom on me, that I may guide others to the same path towards peace and wellbeing.