Been busy the past few weeks and it seems like with all the things that are happening, with all the demands made from me in particular, I have been stressing myself out. I have always taken pride in taking things in stride but anxiety for my future is growing and most times I have to silence the voices in my head. A and I planned to spend half of the Holy Week together but his work ruined our travel plans. It cannot be helped. Guy loves his work too much. So we decided on an alternative so we can still spend quality time together.
So after agreeing on the alternative, I have been counting down the days, while reading up on recipes and thinking of tweaking recipes in my head. I have been picking out some books that I would bring, even decided on some movies. He was busy but I trusted that even without him texting me for days, the plan would materialize.
Only to find out last night that he invited his cousins over and so the plans we made were instantly cancelled. He offered to take me out for dinner on Friday instead but I didn't know what to say. Betrayal again. Excuses again. Excuses which make no sense. Everything makes me question his sincerity again. It does not help that lately I have been feeling down following the many undesirable happenings at work and at home. There is this growing feeling to detach, to go out somewhere far all alone to rethink about things.
I have been contemplating about resignation. Not because I am stressed. I still think it is still manageable. But I question how the organization puts incompetent people in leadership roles, people who cannot even comprehend the simplest concepts, people who do not know how to lead people, how to open up opportunities for the company and for its talented people. Office politics certainly play a big role. But if it is stronger and more salient than meritocracy, the company to headed towards doomsday.
So the question is, to still try to turn things around when it's been so difficult because your voice is not heard and listened to, or to leave the boat sinking because I could be wasting time. It is so hard when you find yourself exerting too much effort only for others to disregard them, to be unappreciated, to be regarded as an eccentric who must be isolated simply for being different.
And I realized how my relationship with A and my dilemma in the office are two faces of the same problem. When you can no longer get what you need, you simply move on to wherever can satisfy your needs. That is the rational way of thinking. On the other hand, these challenges may be what will propel you to be your best self, to turn these challenges into opportunities to show and teach others about compassion, oneness, honesty, integrity... Values that should be given much prominence again in this world wounded by strife and conflict and much injustice. I remember giving the same advice my ex supervisor gave me once, about cultivating first, because planting the small seeds is the first difficult step, the first of many steps towards real change.
Every night I still cry. I wonder what the future holds. I am not beautiful, in the ordinary mortal's sense of the word. (But I am cute and attractive. :P) But I know I am beautiful spiritually and intellectually, and it will take an extraordinary person to appreciate that. The masters of today are fake apostles; they preach earthly glory, they aim to seek material wealth. Then again, the sages of yore, their teachings come to me. Detach. Enjoy the present. Silence the mind. Rejuvenate the soul.
Okay, Masters, I will silence my mind. Lotus Bud will grow into a big strong beautiful flower amidst the highly polluted world. Shine your light of wisdom on me, that I may guide others to the same path towards peace and wellbeing.
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