Music

When depression looms on the horizon, it has already become a habit to listen to classical and and rock music. But doing so further aggravates the situation as I find myself thrown back to my angry past. Being surrounded by wonderful music by virtuosos and musical geniuses, I eventually wallow in bitter misery, while tides of miserable childhood memories would come washing all over me, wave by wave.

I would remember happy days learning how to play the piano, how I excitedly went home to practice on the electric keyboard which once belonged to my godfather. I remember back then wishing to be able to play theme songs from my favorite animé series and video games. 植松 伸夫 was my foremost inspiration and I hoped to be able to play "Melodies of Life" and "Suteki da ne" all on my own. I often dreamed of playing my favorite songs in front of a large audience, with people shouting "bravissimo" after each piece.

All those stayed as childish fantasies because my parents decided I was to stop with my piano lessons. I never asked for it in the first place. What I wanted before that was to take flute lessons since the instrument is very portable and I could play it anywhere. Still I listened to them when they said piano would be better. And just when I found myself enjoying and loving the piano as well as the exercises, they denied me the joy of continuing my musical education. I begged hard and yet my pleas fell on deaf ears.

When free training of Chinese musical instruments were offered in our school's main branch, my father took my sisters and me to learn new instruments. I thought it was super cool to be able to play Chinese instruments and I was assigned to play the Chinese piano 古箏 and I instantly loved the instrument when my father told me one can either strike the strings (percussion-like) or pluck them (guitar-like). This despite the fact that I was first eyeing the erhu since it resembles the violin despite having only two strings. Then one day my father suddenly wasn’t bringing us to school on Sundays. When I noticed it had been months since our last lesson, I asked him if the training was still on and he replied yes, then went on to explain about how disgusted he was with the politics there so he decided to quit. So that also meant the second sudden disruption of my musical training. I was young then and cared very little about politics. My only thoughts were how was unfair it was to have experienced musical bliss in such a short period of time only to have everything snatched from me in one fell swoop.

I felt like I was denied of happiness. Three things I cannot live without: travels, books, and music. Music is for me mankind’s most awesome, most wonderful creation, an outlet for emotional expressions where words do not suffice. To somehow compensate for the absence of musical training in my life, I turned to listening to various music genres, finding affinity with both classical and rock music thanks mainly to X-Japan and 植松 伸夫. (Discovering rock band personalities with background and initial training in classical music, like 林 佳樹 of X-Japan and Freddie Mercury of Queen got me hooked to classical music so later on I found myself listening attentively to Mozart, Tchaikovsky, Vivaldi, and Chopin.)

And then I came to know a violinist during my last year as a university student. He was a quiet man but the first time I saw him I thought there was something special about him that I couldn't quite get. I sat behind him in a class of more than 200 students and I often stared at him from behind, trying to see what it was that got me so attracted to him, but failed each time because he looked like an average bespectacled geek in shirt and jeans and backpack. I would like to think that sitting so close to him was no mere coincidence, that perhaps our meeting was meant to be. Probably meant to awaken my interest in music since later on I learned that he was much celebrated not just for his amazing violin skills, but also for being highly skilled with computers. When I heard he would be having a concert at Philamlife Auditorium, I attended without a second thought, eager to see him play live, even though at that time I was slaving over my thesis. He played a favorite, Tchaikovsky's Serenade Mélancolique Op. 26, and my heart wanted to weep with joy. Days later though I found myself brooding over my sad past and vowed to one day pick up the violin and play with him (or strive hard to be good at playing the piano as accompaniment to his violin...) but this is just wishful thinking, I know.

 One day I wish to be able to at least perform onstage and climb my way up the ladder of success in the music arena. I don't mean to catch up to him or compete with anyone. All I want is to be good enough to play my favorite pieces. I think it's too late since I am already a quarter of a century old but I guess I must find it in my heart once again to truly deeply madly believe that I am a fast learner. That, and constant practice and the hope that my very short attention span doesn't become a hindrance.

Then one day I hope that whenever I listen to music, I can do so for hours on end without feeling sad and bitter. That in its place will be free-flowing happiness, peace of mind, and calm solitude.