Warrior

Back in highschool, when I started to attend a Born Again Christian Bible study group despite being a Catholic (an erstwhile devout Catholic whose faith was beginning to crumble), the Pastor told us what type of person we were. He labelled me as a warrior, seeing that I defend my ideas to the end. Back then I couldn't accept that label because I saw myself more as a healer than as a warrior. Reason for this is my dislike for conflict and because I have always assumed a neutral post, never taking sides and being thoroughly objective (as I could) with people.

But now I am beginning to think that he might be right. It wold be doing a great disservice to warriors when we think of them only as bloodthirsty warfreaks. Later on in my life, I learned what being a true warrior is, like a samurai or a knight, defender of the oppressed, voice of the voiceless, a helping hand to the needy, defender of the noble principles of truth and justice. Bit by bit, I saw my life going toward that direction, shedding the ego that once imprisoned me and which almost sent me down the abyss had not the light of my life saved me from that darkness inside of me.

Not that the darkness was completely purged, but I can say that I have come to control it better nowadays, resulting in relatively happier days. Except now that the light of my life is slowly fading down the horizon, the child warrior is at risk to be lost once again. I hope not. Memories will live on and will be the main guide to the shining path. Beautiful memories of warmth, love, affection...

Yesterday I finally did visit her, bringing with her a juicer/ blender because I heard she refused to eat. I was happy when she called me by my name, the name which I so despised since childhood. Still hearing her call my name made me glad. She must be surprised to find my at the doorstep, knowing that I am too busy with many things. That much is true but I know that if I do not savor the remaining time that we have, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I've lived in guilt for almost every single day of my life and it was sheer torture. The best I can do now is to prevent the same thing from happening again.

Yes, I am not afraid to say that I think her time on earth is already running out. Cancer has quickly spread all throughout her body. She will be undergoing her chemotherapy but before that happens, I would want to make sure that her body is ready for it. Yet the way I see it now, it cannot stand chemotherapy. 

But I want to hope for a miracle. I've changed my name hoping to be a miracle unto others. I want to at least be a miracle to the light of my life. I still pray for courage and strength. God knows how hard I pray these days.

Now I understood another aspect of being a warrior. The warrior fights for a loved one, she fights even knowing that there is little chance in winning. She fights because she knows the value of what she's fighting for.

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I have pledged to seriously save money and stop traveling for now, just to ensure that I will have the necessary resources to keep the chemotherapy sessions going. I have been on the lookout for sidelines, too, for additional income. I have my own dreams but those can wait.