On the third week of June, I joined a coffee-planting volunteer work in Sagada. It was the perfect time to unwind, to go somewhere far where I had been and meet new people in the process. I was a bit heartbroken a few days prior because for the nth time, he hurt my feelings. Many would say that I am too sensitive. I do admit that, but it's only because I take great care not to offend nor hurt the ones I love that I expect the same from them. This June opened my eyes to the reality that he never loved me. He never cared for me and he never respected me. As I have said in my previous post, he is just a pretentious boy who has to rely on deceit to get by. Strong people would never resort to such lowly tactics because strong people protect, they do not hurt other people. So if there is one truth he said, it is that he is weak. He can brag about his many achievements, but those things do not define a man; relations do, being a mindful and compassionate person does.
A few days before I left for Sagada, we met up because he needed help and I, as usual, wanted to be there for him. Only to be disrespected. We met his friends and they were talking in their own native language, without even thinking if I felt out of place. I can catch some of the words thanks to my training in Bahasa but most I do not comprehend. I felt so sleepy (as usual) after our dinner at a simple eatery. The place serves really good grilled stuff mostly grilled chicken (no squid though...). I got offended when he invited his FEMALE friend (whom he says is already engaged.. or married? I don't care) to swim at his place, WHEN HE NEVER INVITED ME. And he was just super insensitive and kept on asking me what's wrong with me. A boy can never comprehend a woman when he refuses to take the effort to. Then came one of the most heartbreaking part when he left me alone in the streets at night all of a sudden, bringing my backpack down on the ground and walking away to hail a cab. At least he was still nice enough to carry my heavy backpack that night (#sarcasm).
But we patched things up that night. Yet after that night, things were never the same again. I didn't even cry when it happened. It opened my eyes that I was dating an immature boy who only cares about himself. He says I was controlling him. He was swallowed by paranoia, thinking that me helping him meant I wanted to control him. It only made me see that the relationship is really going nowhere. He never did trust me, despite him always saying he does so. That incident made me rethink our relationship, made me question my choices to love him with all my heart. You can always love a person, but should stop when that person refuses to be loved. Take it or leave it, there's no in-between.
So going back to Sagada, which should be the heart of this post: the night of my departure, I told him I was in the bus terminal, hoping he would come visit me even for a while to see me off. Nothing of the sort happened. Stubborn me, I reprimanded myself back then. Why did I keep on hoping for him to do things for me??? He couldn't even face my parents, he had to be forced to meet my sisters. With a heavy heart I left Manila for Sagada, that place in the north where he traveled with his French girlfriend whom he is proud to have. He always is proud to have had a French girl and even planned to marry her despite that circumstances in which they met. What decent guy would marry a girl who got drunk and got inside a stranger's room to make out with a stranger? And I being idealistic, believing in the power of humans to change, didn't make much of it. The present is always more important. So while in the bus, when I was not sleeping I was crying. Coz... they play sappy music in the bus... Makes me remember the days when he was sweet to me and makes me wonder if he really did love me, even one bit. (Okay I will stop, he clearly DOES NOT!!! Dear girl, quit your delusions!)
In Sagada, I met nice people who somehow took my mind off him. I met interesting women. One is an almost 40 year old woman but still looks young, probably because of her outlook in life. She is very motherly and it makes me wonder why no guy pursued her. (But oh well, only boys roam the world, boys who like the superficial.) She was with her friend who was able to study in Australia on a scholarship. The friend is a daughter of a former government official and although the family name is extraordinary, I failed to make a connection until later. In fact, they had to tell me. LOL. Another is a quiet woman, already married and whose husband is working abroad. She is a businesswoman and has made herself financially independent thus allowing herself to travel alone even without the support of her husband. But my heart was shattered when I learned that she is having an affair. Just what is wrong with the world??? We had a heart-to-heart talk before we parted ways and that was when she shared her story. I, of course, cautioned her against continuing the affair. I told her, that I understand her needs; her husband is away, but THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. When you marry someone, you commit to the relationship, you commit to being a good wife to your husband (or being a good husband to your wife). Besides, the person she's having an affair with is also married and has kids. Being a homewrecker will not make her happy. So I shared with her how my dad destroyed my view of males, how angry I was (still am) at him when we learned of his affairs. And I asked her to think what if his child grows up to be like me? I reminded her that this is no win-win situation.
I was reminded of the time when someone asked me out for a date but who turned out to be already married. When I found out, I already liked him a bit. But you will know how strong you are when you are able to walk away from temptations. And I just did. So whenever I think of my frailty, I will always think of that moment when I fought myself hard to do the right thing before our "friendship" deepens and before I do something that will cause me guilt all of my life. That is how fidelity works. You nip it in the bud. You do as Ulysses did when he ordered his men to tie him up and put ear plugs on to resist the seductive sirens. Such preventive mechanism will enable you to step away from things that you will regret later. They say that affairs usually start out as innocent friendship. But it blossoms because you spend too much time together than necessary. You know you are in big trouble when you are more concerned about this extra lover than about your official lover (i.e. husband/ wife). It is also this reason that whenever I talk to my male friends, I would make it a point to tell them about A, to send the message that I am already off-limits. (Only to find out later on that he dated a girl in his class with whom he shared my work and he told her that "we used to date". "Used to" when at that time we were still good. So what does that make him?)
So going back to the people I met in Sagada... There was this one doctor who seemed to have not yet moved on from his breakup. I don't know the full story but "motherly friend" (hereinafter T) and "popular daughter" (hereinafter K) told me that he was all out in his recent relationship and was disappointed because the girl's efforts were minute compared to his. He was emphasizing EFFORT. I do understand where he is coming from and I feel sorry for him. Girls normally put in much effort, too much effort even, for the men they love. But then, I also acknowledge that bitches also exist. (Of course we only got to hear his side of the story... So okay, the skeptic in me is making a lot of questions... LOL) One evening, I joined them around the campfire. They were drinking and chatting. I just wanted to see how they drink. I like observing people when I am not engaging them. So I sat beside T and K and he invited me to sit closer to him. Of course, I didn't do that because he was already drunk. They offered me a drink and I put a former professor's wise words to practice. Since I don't drink I usually feel out of place. One way of still becoming one with the group is to accept the drink but to announce for everyone to hear that such is my first and last because I DO NOT DRINK. PERIOD. So no amount of coaxing will work. (I don't understand why people become alcoholic. Alcohol tastes bad.. EWWW!!!)
They asked me if I had any companion in the project (none), my reasons for joining (vacation break), and why I travel alone (to challenge myself, though actually the real challenge for me is travelling with incompatible companions). I think they were expecting me to say that I was looking for love in Sagada following the popularity of the movie "That Thing Called Tadhana". I forgot what our topic was but then when asked about something, I casually replied, "because boys are uncaring." And he couldn't accept it, demanding answers all night long until we had to put out the fire at 10PM. LOL. Funny experience! But the strange thing is, although he was drunk, I didn't feel scared of him. I normally distance myself from drunk people. Maybe because I sensed a loadful of loneliness and frustrations in him. Empath mode on again. Sigh. I will really drain myself out fast if this keeps going.
The only other person who doesn't drink is X (I forgot her name...). She graduated from a private all-girls' school known for social activism. Needless to say, she works in the development sector and plans to take up further studies abroad. She's a people person and it's not hard to see that she has a strong personality. Meeting her made me realize that most of those in the development sector come from well-off family and I came to formulate that there is a general pattern. No wonder those who are selected in foreign scholarship programs are mostly from rich families, because they have access to these experiences which are not readily available to the average person who is most likely to end up a corporate slave in a private firm (ehem). And it is a misconception that salaries in NGOs and social work are small. Heck no, they are even bigger compared to those in the corporate world. So it got me thinking, is this the modern day version of elite cooptation? Of course there are exceptions. I have a friend who was a product of the public school system and who had so much grit she was able to get one of the most coveted slots in Japanese scholarship program.
I could have taken my time in getting to know everyone in the project. But then the group was big so my introvert self was screaming to be alone.
