Waiting

Waiting has always been a pet peeve. Yes, I am an impatient person and I hate waiting. But waiting is a major part of life. You cannot escape it. For instance, you have to line up and wait for your turn to be served at a fast food store. Or if you choose to dine at a fancy restaurant, you certainly have to wait for your food to be cooked and to be served. In applying for important papers like passports, certificates, and the like, you need to wait. Waiting is an inevitable part of life and patience is necessary for us to get through it.

The past years have provided me with ample opportunities to practice the virtue of patience. I force myself to live on a fast lane, to make sure I get a lot done in a short period of time. But along the way, there are moments wherein life tells me to slow down, pause, and have a breather. One such instance is recently when I got sick due to MSG-overdose. It made me rethink my priorities. It made me rethink my decisions. Suddenly I found myself asking, am I happy at where I am right now? (The answer of course is no. I have yet to fulfill my dreams of becoming an international human rights lawyer. Though to be honest, I am glad to have achieved so much last 2011, which marks the start of my being a teacher, an archaeologist, a writer, a translator, a researcher, and a volunteer. I still find it incredible that I got to play all these roles aside from the usual daughter-student-sister-friend roles of a humdrum existence.)

Waiting... Almost everybody, almost everything seems to ask me to wait, sometimes even without meaning to. Perhaps I don't really hate waiting that much. I've waited for him for several years now. The problem is, I don't even know if he knows that I am waiting for him, which makes the process even more difficult though yes, exciting. What if I waited for naught? On the other hand, what if I were to be rewarded for my patience?

The act of waiting for a loved one, the feelings of whom you are not even certain of, is a risky venture. Without news of him for a very long time now, you are in constant struggle against yourself: to forget or not to forget? To continue to love or not? To move on or not? When does a heart need to stop longing for a person's affection?

But sometimes the heart is a stubborn machine. And if Becquer were to counsel me, he might berate me and tell me that my heart is a stupid machine. A heart that loves, yearns, hopes, dreams, and revels in the beauty of waiting with or without the guarantee of a reward... For it is in waiting that the heart grows more mature. For it is in waiting that the heart humbles itself and submits itself to passions. For it is in waiting that the heart learns how it is to love truly. For a heart that truly loves expects nothing but delights in the hope of an imagined future.

That is the romantic me pouring her heart out.

Now the rational me butts in and tries to shoo away all these feelings. The rational mind busies itself in everything, finding things to do, making the person more experienced in other aspects of life other than the love life. The rational mind does not want to admit it, but it is also waiting together with the heart-that-truly-loves. The rational mind pretends to get busy, pretends to work and have no time for play. But in reality it does so only to pass the time as it tells itself that no matter what the outcome of all this waiting, the person will become more beautiful than ever.

written 6:30 pm, December 3, 2011

Trinoma Foodcourt

Doraemon

Ever since my elementary days, I have always been a fan of Doraemon. The idea of a robot sent from the future to the 1970s to help a hopeless boy named Nobita Nobi was very interesting. And more interesting still is that Doraemon has a front pocket from which he pulls out gadgets of various uses to help Nobita. These gadgets of course are more often than not, abused by Nobita. This results in ironic endings wherein Nobita ends up all the more the loser.

Seeing packed Doraemon comics at Booksale made me nostalgic. Memories of those days, when I would borrow Chinese comics from my Chinese classmates, flood my mind. Those days, Doraemon became my primary motivation for studying Chinese mainly because how on earth can I comprehend the comics if I didn't understand Chinese? So I guess I have Doraemon to thank for my Chinese language skills.

So anyway, last December, while doing my regular rounds at Booksale, I chanced upon Doraemon comics and didn't hesitate to buy volumes 5 to 16. These are translated to Filipino but it's okay since I need to read Filipino texts more often, too. (Yes, I'm planning to read Filipino novels this year and I'm talking about serious Filipino novels.)

Here are pics of my beloved Doraemon comics:

Note the freebies: pencils and a Doraemon toy :)

me and my Doraemon stuffs

 And I learned from my students that GMA7 will be airing the series again soon. I hope I'll be able to catch even a few episodes.

Cifu (Banawe Street, Quezon City)

This is another late post.

Last month, after a day's work at the National Archives, I had a date with my sister and we agreed to try out Cifu. Cifu is located along Banawe St. and is just some three minutes from Del Monte Avenue. At first we were hesitant to enter the restaurant. For one, we thought we might be in for a costly treat. Two, we haven't heard of reviews of this resto and we're afraid it'll be another one of those money-down-the-drain scenarios.

But we were oh so wrong! The food here are reasonably priced. What I like most about this resto is that waiters are attentive and really wait on customers well. Also, the servings do not disappoint. My sister and I even had to take home the noodles because both of us were already full. (And that is considering we are big eaters.)

Me showing my sister my latest awesome purchase from Booksale: Doraemon comics!!!

xiaolongpao, thai noodles, and dumplings: YUM!!!

After our meal, my sister and I swore to come back again. I must also say that I super love their chili sauce. I put lots of it on my food and it was really wonderful!

Chinese Cemetery

During my pre-camera days, I used to make a mental note to myself that if ever I finally were able to buy my own digital camera, I would bring it with me on our annual visit to the cemeteries and snap photos. There's something about cemeteries that appeal to me. Perhaps it's the serenity that pervades the area. Perhaps it's the rich symbols and details that adorn the houses of the dead. Or perhaps it's the sense of mystery in an area believed to be the residence of ghosts and spirits. Or maybe it's because of the presence of a favorite flower, the calachuchi.

This blog post is already late. (My excuse: I had to sort my files. And well, I'm pretty busy these days.)

Just wanna share some pics I took.

“Way Back Home”

It has been a long time since I watched a Pinoy film with a family theme. The last great drama would probably have to be “Ama, Ina, Anak” which tells the story of a young girl (Angelica Panganiban) adopted by a wealthy couple who later on were able to have a child of their own. Seeing the newborn infant as attention grabber and the reason why her foster parents suddenly paid her little attention, the adopted daughter once tried to kill the baby. The father (Edu Manzano) was of course enraged when he learned of this. The movie ended with a lot of drama and I think it’s the first Pinoy film to ever make me cry. 

“Way Back Home” stars Julia Montes and Kathryn Bernardo as sisters Jessica and Joana Santiago respectively. While young, Joana was separated from the family by accident while on vacation at a beach resort. She was finally adopted by a poor family in a coastal area and grew up to be a bubbly girl. Jessica, on the other hand, suffers from guilt and rejection from her mother (Agot Isidro) who regarded her as the primary reason for the disappearance of Joana. This in turn made Jessica bitter and envious of the attention their mother lavished on Joana when the latter was finally found. 

Both girls do well in school and are excellent swimmers. Now Jessica has always been popular in school. That is, until her sister attended the same school and beat her in academics. Joana, being her adopted town’s top swimmer, also emerged champion in a swimming contest thereby ruining Jessica’s winning streak. To top it all, Jessica’s friend (Sam Concepcion) whom she spurned as a lover has been paying more attention to Joana. Feeling that Joana has returned to snatch away all her happiness, Jessica can’t help but feel more annoyed at her younger sister. 

While on a retreat, Jessica dared Joana to a race at the sea. She almost drowned were it not for her younger sister who obviously won the race. After that, they patched things up and everything turned out well when everyone found forgiveness. For instance, their mother finally realized her negligence toward her elder daughter.

This movie has a lot of tearjerker scenes. For instance, the flashback scenes of the two sisters’ childhood in a heavy contrast to the present them would certainly tug at one’s heartstrings. Also everytime Jessica attempts to gain her mother’s affection only to be shown coldness and indifference is something every unfavored child would certainly relate to. But the most touching scene of all is towards the end when everyone finally finds peace and acceptance.

Like all supposedly heavy drama, this film does not lack a witty humor. Fish jokes are central to the movie mainly because Joana sells fish when she’s not in school, and also because living in a coastal town entails fishing as the main source of livelihood. One particular joke I like is during the swimming competition when Joana tells her friend (Enrique Gil) that she’s dying, a pun to daing (dried fish), because of extreme nervousness. I also like the inclusion of the chubby Clarence Delgado who plays the foster younger brother of Joana who extremely idolizes her.

Another thing I like about this movie is its usage of a poem with double interpretations to illustrate the state of the two sisters. On a literal level, Jessica’s teacher and classmates read it as her expression of her desire to find her long lost sister. But AJ (Sam Concepcion) tells her that she’s actually talking about herself in the poem and what a hypocrite she is. Literature is rarely used in Pinoy films and I must commend this movie for doing so. 

Concerning Bernardo and Montes, who also starred in the TV series remake Mara Clara, I must say that Julia Montes indeed is perfect to play the troubled kontrabida with her mestiza looks and her seemingly snobbish charm. Bernardo, on the other hand, has improved a little in this movie. Though truth be told, I feel that they still hold the remnants of their Mara Clara days which make it easier for them since Bernardo plays the aping bida for the second time.

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Regarding Julia Montes, she will be starring in another primetime series on ABS-CBN with Coco Martin in Walang Hanggan. Coco Martin, whom I fondly call Kukurukuku, is also one actor I admire for his thespic talents especially after Minsan lang Kita Iibigin where he played dual roles. Walang Hanggan will surely not to be missed. (And if ever I do because of work, I’ll just ask my sisters for summaries since I’m racing against time to finish many things.)

Excerpts from “The Essential Kabbalah: the Heart of Jewish Mysticism” by Daniel C. Matt

Ever since my childhood days, I have always been interested with mysticism and spirituality. I was around 6 or 7 when I started to read the Bible, focusing mostly on the book of Genesis, which for me was a compilation of short stories with moral teachings. As child who studied in a private Catholic school where attendance to Sunday School was compulsory, I found it hard to reconcile my own understanding of what I read and what they teach us. Of course leafing through the Bible exposed me to its contents without its adaptation for children. For instance, I was bothered by stories of women making love with their father-in-law. I found it shocking to have read that a father is willing to let his daughters be “known” by the townspeople who demanded the angel in disguise.

Aside from the Book of Genesis, I loved The Book of Revelations, too. Yes, it almost scared the wits out of me reading about beasts and scary apocalyptic prophecies. As I grow older, I found the Book of Ecclesiastes more and more appealing. At 15, it officially became my favorite book ever mainly because of the wonderful poetry and its main thesis that “everything is grasping for the wind”, something I have been contemplating for a very very long time now.

With my interest in the Bible, I came to know about Judaism as well as the Kabbalah. It was in college when I was first exposed to these two and I have been pursuing them on and off for some time now. 

While browsing the shelves at the library one time for new books to borrow home in time for the Christmas vacation, I chanced upon Daniel Matt’s “The Essential Kabbalah”. The comprehensive book is perfect for a returning informal student like me. While reading it, I can’t help but be reminded of Taoism. Ein sof, that which permeates everything, is very similar to the concept of Tao. This book also enlightened me on the Sefirots. I once read about them in other books but either those were for advanced scholars or I was dumb then, I wasn’t able to understand anything.

Anyway, here are some of my favorite passages in “The Essentual Kabbalah”:

One pillar extends from earth to heaven. Its name is Righteous One, named for the righteous. If there are righteous people in the world, the pillar is strengthened; if not, it is weakened. It upholds the entire world, as it is written: “The righteous one is the foundation of the world.” If it weakens, the world cannot endure. So if the world contains just one righteous person, that person sustains the world.

(p.78)

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When a glassblower wants to produce glassware, he takes an iron blowpipe, hollow as a reed from one end to the other, and dips it into molten glass in a crucible. Then he places the tip of the pipe in his mouth and blows, and the breath passes through the pipe to the molten glass attached to the other end. From the power of his blowing, the glass expands and turns into a vessel—large or small, long or wide, spherical or rectangular, whatever the artisan desires.

So God, great, mighty, awesome, powerfully breathed out a breath, and cosmic space expanded to the boundary determined by divine wisdom, until God said, “Enough!”

(p.92)

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There was a man whom lived in the mountains. He knew nothing about those who lived in the city. He sowed wheat and ate the kernels raw.

One day he entered the city. They brought him good bread. He said, “What is this for?” They said, “Bread, to eat!” He ate, and it tasted very good. He said, “What is it made of?” they said, “Wheat.”

Later they brought him cakes kneaded in oil. He tasted them and said, “What are these made of?” They said, “Wheat.”

Finally they brought him royal pastry made with honey and oil. He said, “What are these made of?” They said, “Wheat.” He said, “I am the master of all of these, for I eat the essence of all of these: wheat!”

Because of that view, he knew nothing of the delights of the world; they were lost to him. So it is with one who grasps the principle and does not know all those delectable delights deriving, diverging, from that principle.

(p. 134)

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There is one who sings the song of his soul, discovering in his soul everything—utter spiritual fulfillment.

There is one who sings the song of his people. Emerging from the private circle of his soul—not expansive enough, not yet tranquil—he strives for fierce heights, clinging to the entire community of Israel in tender love. Together with her, he sings her song, feels her anguish, delights in her hopes. He conceives profound insights into her past and her future, deftly probing the inwardness of her spirit with the wisdom of love.

Then there is one whose soul expands until it extends beyond the border of Israel, singing the song of humanity. In the glory of the entire human race, in the glory of the human form, his spirit spreads, aspiring to the goal of humankind, envisioning its consummation. From this spring of life, he draws all his deepest reflections, his searching, striving, and vision.

Then there is one who expands even further until he unites with all of existence, with all creatures, with all worlds, singing a song with them all.

There is one who ascends with all these songs in unison—the song of the soul, the song of the nation, the song of humanity, the song of the cosmos—resounding together, blending in harmony, circulating the sap of life, the sound of holy joy.

(p.154)

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Whoever delves into mysticism cannot help but stumble, as it is written: “This stumbling block is in your hand.” You cannot grasp these things unless you stumble over them.

(p.163)

2011: The Awakening

Another year ended. Another year added to my numbers of years being a resident of Earth. 2011 for me marks the commencement of a brand new chapter in my life. It is in 2011 when I experienced new things and learned so much. In fact I felt like I have become wiser in judgment many times over after 2011. Also, 2011 marks the resocialization of this girl. (I say “resocialization” because I have been under a cycle of introversion-extroversion. Briefly said, my first two years in elementary school saw me an extrovert. The rest of those years I was an introvert. In highschool I was back to being an extrovert. My UP undergraduate years are characterized by rapid changing cycles. My UP graduate years saw me an introvert. That is, until I started doing research at the National Archives where I met many interesting people that I forgot about being shy.)

2011 is a very complicated year. It started with a lot of major heartbreaks resulting from frustration and depression which in turn are due to shattered self-confidence that made a crack in my world. Yes, it made a big crack but at least I was able to pull myself back together before I am completely broken into pieces. For first time, I doubted myself greatly, doubted my capacities, doubted my potential, doubted my future. This has of course happened before but only in minor cases. 

But the second half of the year proved to be a chance to redeem myself. It was not for no reason that I enrolled in extra filler courses. It was not for no reason that I joined volunteer organizations. It was not  for no reason that I finally said yes to be a full time employee. All these have a reason, and that is to test my limits and uncover erstwhile passions.

For instance, many were surprised when I took an English course. As a student of archaeology, we certainly have no need for that. People who know me were all the more surprised because they know that I write a lot, that I read a lot and I certainly do not have major problems in the mastery of the English language. But the course is all about the history, origins, and development of the English language. I do not regret taking up this course. Especially not when the prof does not belittle me in any way despite the fact that I have only 6 units of GE English for my background. No, he didn’t kick me out on day one. I guess he must be impressed with how much I know about English history. Even my classmates were impressed. And because we’re talking of the language’s origins, I am at the advantage since I have taken up filler courses on foreign languages in my undergraduate years. Knowing a little German helped a lot since English is a Germanic language. I describe to them my experiences in learning different languages. The only thing that bothers me is that I wasn’t able to submit a paper that I can be proud of because I had to focus on my other subjects.

Many were also shocked when I told them I’m studying Bahasa Indonesia. Having a background on European Languages and suddenly shifting to an Asian one would be that shocking, wouldn’t it? Even I myself was surprised at my sudden decision to take up Bahasa. But I reasoned to myself that it might prove useful in the future when I’m doing research on Southeast Asia. And I am perfectly happy with my Bahasa class. Because the class size is very small, I find it easy to be friendly. It helps, too, that the professor is nice. Well, she’s strict but she’s very understanding.

These two classes serve as my distraction/destruction classes. For once, I need a major distraction from anything related to archaeology. I was afraid I might lose my passion if I suddenly burned out because of it. Think of archaeology and me as lovers who suddenly are thinking of splitting due to constant companionship. I simply needed space. And what better way than to exert my right to intellectual promiscuity by flirting with other disciplines, mainly my other love, LANGUAGES. That is the distraction part. I say destruction because having paid for those courses using my own money, I of course expect myself to take them seriously. And that means submitting requirements, participating in class discussions, etc. Which means less time for the required courses. And which means less time for anime, manga, and other leisure activities.

And I did manage to survive that semester, 15 units and lots of extra work, plus part-time job, and volunteer work and all. Well, except for that one course which earned me another INC. 

Still even with 3 INCs, I was still happy to have finally conquered myself. I proved to myself that I can do it, that there is still a whole new world out there for me to explore, that I can do it. And I have proven again that listening to other people’s talk will bring me nowhere. For one, they do not know me. Whatever judgment they pass on me, that I can’t do this or that, or whatever, those views are theirs alone. I put myself down, I end up defeated when I listen to all those empty talk. Because I know myself better than they do know me. It’s just that this year I entertained doubts concerning my knowledge of myself that I almost fell prey to these predators in this jungle of a civilization. But knowing that I know myself better always springs me back to life. I’ve done it many times before, and I have done it again this year. I will have to do it this year, as well as in the years to come. For mine is not only faith in myself, but faith in a Greater Sublime Being.

Concerning my other passions, I must say that I have done well in the pursuit of these. I volunteered at the .MOV fest. Even for one day, I experienced how it’s like to organize an event. REALLY HARD WORK. Take that from someone who’s never joined an org in college. But I saw it not only as a challenge but also as a teacher so that if ever I encounter the same thing in the future I will have better decisions. Bonus pluses include meeting really cool people in the person of co-volunteers and famous personalities.

2011 also marks the year of my return of faith to the Pinoy film industry. I was able to watch 3 Cinemalaya films: Ang Babae sa Septic Tank, I-Libings, and Cuchera. I could have watched all the entries which were all very appealing to me. Problem as usual as time. And at that time, I was thinking of quitting my part-time job so I had to control my expenses. Still, I’m very much happy with the three films I watched. Aside from Cinemalaya, I also attended the European film fest and the Japanese film fest. I was also able to watch lots of movies this year which are too many to mention here. 

Some notable Pinoy films this year are My Neighbor’s Wife, No Other Woman, Way Back Home, and Praybeyt Benjamin. I especially liked Way Back Home. And because of my sudden interest in Pinoy movies, I also became interested in the local showbiz. I find myself admiring Vice Ganda for his quick wit and funny comedic remarks. I also began to lap up info on Coco Martin and Julia Montes. These three are my current showbiz favorites.

2011 saw me travelling alone to Pampanga and Bacoor for the first time by bus. At first I was scared but then again I found it another opportunity to test my limits. I learned for real that first times are always scary, that it takes time to get used to things, but that you can’t get used to things if you don’t make the first difficult step. For some reason, I am reminded of my crush’s advice to me to travel alone sometimes and not to be cooped up in Metro Manila. (And I would certainly welcome the opportunity to travel with my crush if ever there will be such an opportunity.)

I got my major break in archival research coupled with transcription and translation when I was tasked to gather relevant information on our fieldschool site from the National Archives. I knew I would be given that dreadful task. But I didn’t know it could be this rewarding. I get to hold old documents. I get to know intellectuals who do not think that I’m an ignorant kid in a supposedly old man’s den. Every trip to the Archives means food trip because most researchers are foodies, too. And we tend to bond together during lunch where we talk about anything under the sun. Sometimes it’s politics, sometimes it’s the future of the Philippines, sometimes it’s about our respective researches, but what I love most is when they share their own childhood experiences in the provinces. Because I do not have a province, I voluntarily assume the role of the listener, picturing their stories in my mind. I also love it when we talk about food. Any one of us could be the next Doreen Fernandez, though I will have to say I am not that qualified since I don’t like Filipino food that much except for sinampalukang manok, tinolang manok, non-pork sinigang, and grilled seafood, which count as my favorite foods of all time alongside Mexican, Italian, Japanese, and Chinese cuisine.

Another milestone in my life is getting published. It has always been a dream to be in the Philippine Daily Inquirer. One night when thinking about how messed up my life was, I wrote an article inspired by Paul Auster’s Moon Palace. I e-mailed it to PDI Youngblood not expecting it to be published. And then one day as the Pedring raged outside and I sat comfortably on the sofa, I glimpsed my name on Youngblood!!! It was happiness. Add to that the book review I submitted to Hukay, the official journal of UP-ASP. The book I reviewed is related to Biblical Archaeology, one of those many things that got me interested in archaeology in the first place.  With these, I can comfortably say that I am a writer.

Last but not the least, I was able to go on a one month trip away from my family in order to participate in our fieldschool. It was fun. It was nostalgic. I missed the yummy food whipped up by the awesome Ate Bulaklak. In particular, I love her sinigang na tilapia. I learned to appreciate local food. I learned A LOT in that one month. And yes, I was also terribly confused and broken after that but I survived didn’t I?

After that, I was finally able to say with confidence that I am an archaeologist who has gone out with a trowel to unearth artifacts for study and analysis. And then there’s this excavation in Intramuros which greatly offered an invaluable chance to once again wield my trowel and hug the earth. It was my first time to do urban archaeology. It was fun, even with free beer afterwards. Yes, even with… because I’m no drinker. 

And then I finally heeded the call to be a full-time employee. It doesn’t mean though that I will have no time for archaeology or to pursue my other passions. No, I made sure I have both money and time to control. So even with the job, I still do research. I still do read books though honestly my job eats up most of my time now. Sure having a full-time job is tiring. But when you’re a teacher out to inspire your students, you don’t notice the fatigue. Being with people younger than I am, though only by one or two years in general, have added joy to my life. It has been a dream come true.

In short, 2011 is a mixture of ups and downs. With strength of heart, will, courage, and integrity, I look forward to a shining future, continuing to write, to study, to travel, to do research, to excavate, to teach, to learn, and to do more.

This 2012, I’m looking forward to finishing my INCs. Aja, Melo!