First Night in Madrid

I still remember the first time I set foot in Europe. My first stop was Madrid. A day before, I was with A who stayed with me until I checked in in the wee hours of the morning. I don't know why he had to do something like that. I didn't want to assume anything anymore because I've been countless times and I just got tired of guessing what I was to him. Still, I must admit that I was happy when he accompanied me. He gave me three things initially--- a jacket, a journal with leather covers, and a Parker pen with my nickname engraved on it. As I was about to leave, he handed me an 8GB flash drive which looks like a PVC card. It was my first time to see something like that. Looking back, those things really came in handy. I used the jacket for sleeping since my other two jackets are not comfortable for such. The flash drive came in handy whenever I needed to print important stuffs here and also good for exchanging files with people who became my friends here.

I didn't book any hotel on my first night in Madrid, thinking of staying the night at the airport to save money. But in the airport I met two Filipinos and I decided to go with them as I was in dire need of sleeping comfortably on a bed after 20 hours of travel. One of them happened to book AirBNB so we just contacted the landlady to request for two additional beds.

AirBNB room shared with two other Filipinos

The two Filipinos checked out very early the next morning, leaving me alone. I realized that sunrise is at around 9:00 AM! So I decided to make the most of WIFI and searched how to get to my hostel where I would stay for three nights.

my first meal in Madrid: a can of Century tuna and Rebisco crackers for breakfast

The electrical outlet is not compatible with my chargers but good thing I had my power bank.

When the sun was already up, I left the AirBNB. God, did I had a hard time getting all my stuff downstairs because there was no lift! Our bedroom was on the third floor. Ugh! It was just the start of my battles as I would learn later on because the metro near my hostel DOES NOT have a lift and so poor me had to drag all my stuffs up the stairs slowly. And then I got lost trying to look for my hostel in Lavapies' labyrinthine streets. An old lady to whom I asked directions offered to help me with my stuffs but I refused because there I was, half her age and huffing and puffing! It was embarrassing to say the least. I kind of regretted bringing a lot of canned goods and other foodstuff!

Madrid's pebbled streets in Lavapies

 So imagine my joy when I finally got inside my hostel where I rested for a few hours before going out to see what Madrid has to offer. Of course I also took advantage of the WIFI to check out nearby places of interest since I wanted to rest early.

La Santa Iglesia Catedral Metropolitana de Santa María la Real de la Almudena (aka Almudena Church)
This church is the seat of the Archdiocese of Madrid

Inside the Almudena Church's crypt which reminded me of the arches of Cordoba's mezquita.

Palacio Real de Madrid where the King of Spain used to live before transferring to Palacio de Zarzeula.

When I arrived back at the hostel, I quickly became friends with a fellow hostelmate, a traveler from Malaysia. I shared to her a pack of Indomie and we talked about many things. Her family lives in Sabah and she knows the Tausug group saying that some of her distant relatives live in Zamboanga. Later on, a new hostelmate arrived, a girl from Mexico. We hit it off instantly and this Mexican girl and I shared a very special bond especially after she massaged me one night because of my sore muscles probably because of dragging my luggage. I think fondly of her because she took care of washing and drying our clothes. That's my kind of girl, one who is open and not selfish. No wonder we found ourselves roaming the streets of Madrid for the next few days until she sent me off when I decided to go to the south.

To be continued....

Taxi Driver (1976)

And I don't know why I unknowingly have a lot of dark movies in my HD. The movies I ended up watching so far are disturbing as they portray the dark side of America with its evils: gangs, drugs, prostitution, and worse, psycho people. Well maybe that's what America was like many many years back. I just don't understand why so many people want to live and work there when American society is so dysfunctional that a year doesn't end without someone going berserk and start shooting people around. And these people are mostly disturbed ones who just couldn't take more of society's trashy ways.

Travis Bickle used to be a marine who was honorably discharged although the film does not take pains to elaborate on his backstory. We only know him now as a taxi driver who is making rounds at night because of insomnia. While working, he has got enough of the things that he see, what he calls filth and scum, and wishes for a rain that will clean the city's streets.

He tries to date a woman named Betsy who works as an aide to presidential candidate Palantine. When he took her out for the second time, bringing her to a porn theater, she left him. Witnessing a pimp later on who forced a young prostitute out of his taxi cab, he began to train himself and buy guns. He then befriended the young girl who turned out to be just 12 years old, named Iris. He pretended to be a client to get to know her and took her out, trying to convince her to quit prostitution.

The conversation between Iris and Travis:

Iris: Why do you want me to go back to my parents? I mean, they hate me. Why do you think I split in the first place? There ain't nothing there.

Travis: But you can't live like this. It's a hell. A girl should live at home.

Iris: Didn't you ever hear of a women's lib?

Travis: What do you mean "women's lib"? You're a young girl. You should be at home now. You should be dressed up, you should be going out with boys. You should be going to school, you know, that kind of stuff.

Iris: Oh, God! Are you square.

Travis: Hey, Im not square.You're the one who's square. You're full of shit, man. What do you mean? You walk out with fucking creeps and lowlifes and degenerates, and you sell your little pussy for nothing, man? For some low-life pimp who stands in a hall? I'm square? You're the one that's square, man! I don't go screw and fuck with killers and junkies the way you do. You call that being hip? What world are you from?

(...)

Iris: So what makes you so high and mighty? Will you tell me that?

Travis (shifts topic)

Later on, he attacked the pimp, the brothel owner, and a client to save Iris. He got injured big time but eventually recovered. In the end, we see Travis driving home Betsy to her house for free and as he adjusts the rearview mirror, something he sees seems to disturb him but he drives forward into the night again, in the sinful streets of the city covered with neon lights.

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As we see in the movie, lowly people （小人）do not like people with noble principles. The scene wherein Travis and Iris conversed for the second time reminded me of the many times A called me self-righteous because I often told him how I dislike a large number of people for being shallow and superficial and pretentious. I just don't get along well with those kinds of people.

陈艺搏-不愿错过你

哪一盏灯火 是属于我

一个人的街头

没人再 一起呐喊一起喝彩

哪一种美满 会属于我

两个人的温暖 会不会

种出不一样的烟火

孤独曾经 是种骄傲

岁月转眼难熬

时光流转 终于落单

兜兜转转才知道

平淡的陪伴最重要

我不愿错过你

我要我们在一起

煽情的话语 酒杯的情绪

熬过午夜还是失意

我不愿错过你

我要我们在一起

穿越千万里 只为遇见你

和你携手不离不弃

陪你慢慢老去

我不愿错过你

我要我们在一起

煽情的话语 酒杯的情绪

熬过午夜还是失意

绝不能错过你

我要我们在一起

穿越千万里 注定是你

和你携手不离不弃

陪你慢慢老去

摘自: http://www.d777.com/geci/buyuancuoguoni_42fq/

喻佳麗-我也難過

一眨眼你哭了 (In the blink of an eye you are crying) 有話想對我說 (wanting to tell me something) 你害怕就忘了 (You are afraid and you forget) 好像從沒見過我 (as if you have never met me) 你愛我我走了 (You love me but I left) 我也不想這樣做 (I also didn't want to do something like that) 可是真的想對你說 (But I really want to tell you) 明天開始就重新來過 (Starting tomorrow we'll start anew) 你讓我幸福過快樂過 (You gave me good fortune and happiness) 這些我都還記得 (I remember all of these) 別懷疑我 (Don't doubt me) 離開你我也痛哭傻了 (When I left you I also hurt to the point of going crazy) 忘記吧那些經過 (Just forget everything because the past) 都別再留 (will never remain) 我愛你可是你也說過 (I love you but you also said) 愛情並不是停留 (That love will never reach its stopover) 不往前走 (and will never move forward) 可是分岔的路口 (But when we reach the two-forked road) 你向左我往哪裡走 (Which path do you want me to take?) 告訴我 (Tell me)


Translated by The Sweet Melo Touch
Lyrics copied from the Youtube video.

************************************************

In less than a month I am going home and must remember to be strong no matter what. As I have learned, love is not just a feeling, but the willingness to exert effort and to work things out so that the relationship deepens and lovers grow. This song, with its simple words, capture exactly how I feel about A. I should have stopped seeing him a long time ago when he made it clear he doesn't want to commit. I was just too stupid and maybe too afraid of starting a new life without him. But six months far away from home made me realize I am very different from other women. While women in the West proudly proudly proclaim themselves to be strong and independent, I roll my eyes because they can't even travel alone nor can they achieve anything without relying on men (and using men in the process). Moreover, despite the many things that happened to me, despite the many encounters with narcissistic people and friendly users, I never lost my true self, I never gave up on humanity and retained that warmth and openness. I will always remember what a dear friend told me, that I should believe that I will encounter good people because I am also a good person. I am just too different and I now realize that I am far stronger than most people.

I let you go now and this is the last time I will cry for you.

Watchmen (2009)

And so the movie marathon continues and this time I picked out Watchmen. It is based on the DC comics by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. Since I am not much of a DC fan than a Marvel fan when I was young (although reaching HS I dumped American pop culture in favor of East Asian so my knowledge is not updated haha), I never heard of this before until my archaeo days when my buddy shared to me some of his movies and comics. As I have said in my previous posts, my extra long vacation is like a retirement kind of thing, with me enjoying the things I have accumulated over the past years.

Watchmen is mind-boggling to say the least. The film started with the murder of a person named Eddie Blake who was thrown off a building. A masked man picked up a smiley pin  from the murder site and went off in search of other superheroes who used to form a vigilante team fighting against evil elements in the society. (This had been a dream for me, to have something like this to purge the society of evil but let's start with the evil politicians who abuse their power. Sad to say, the vigilantes only target ordinary people, especially the poor.) The movie becomes a bit confusing with the many flashbacks depicting the background of each superhero, but the main narrative in the present storyline is that Ozymandias is ready to sacrifice millions of innocent lives to prevent a nuclear war and save billions of lives. That is of course, what our main protagonist Rorschach is against since the plan also involves using and disposing of other superheroes (and even ex-villains like Moloch) most of whom are trying to live ordinary lives in the present storyline.

This scene where Dr. Manhattan helps the US to kill Vietnamese and win the Vietnam War makes me angry. Coz of course the Viets won in the war.

 Scholars of East Asian media often say that protagonists in Chinese or Japanese films are not 100% good, that they are somewhat controversial characters because of their many flaws. Western-made characters on the other hand are clearly either good or bad. Now I think Watchmen presents us with the same controversial characters, although they are grimmer and darker, and even with psychological disorders. One such character is of course the main villain in the film Ozymandias who uses other people as pawns and sacrifices in order to push nations (read: US and USSR) to sign peace deals in the face of alien threats and avert a nuclear war. Throughout the film, images of rorschach inkblots are prevalent and this seems to suggest that we need a rethinking and reassessment of the things that we are raised to label as good and bad. 

Silk Spectre II's long hair is so beautiful that her fight scenes seem like shampoo commercials

 For instance, I would also add Silk Spectre and her daughter Silk Spectre II as controversial characters coming from a conservative Asian culture. Silk Spectre was almost raped by The Comedian but she eventually had consensual sex with him and gave birth to their daughter Silk Spectre II. The daughter Laurie is a sexually liberated woman. No problem with that except I am disturbed by the fact that she seduces Nite Owl II while still in a relationship with Dr. Manhattan. And when she decided to leave Dr. Manhattan, she had sex with Nite Owl II and lived with him  from thereon and then at the end of the movie, she and Dr. Manhattan kissed again. I was like, whoaaaa, what the hell??!

Narcissistic Ozymandias confronted by Nite Owl II and Rorschach in his palatial Antarctic base.

Rorschach's remains after Dr. Manhattan killed him: a rorschach inkblot pattern which makes one debate on whether he is good or evil

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I don't believe much in psychological tests but took THIS for fun. My result below which is pretty accurate.

Six Months Abroad Drawing to a Close

So this will be my last month in a foreign country, my first time outside of my home country for six months. In fact while packing my things late last year when we moved to a new house, I encountered my old employee interviews and assessments and at that time, seeing what I had written made me feel that itch to be abroad again. I wrote in one assessment that I would like to live away from home. I did so last year starting May until December when I rented out a room in a house near my workplace. Then starting January of this year to end of June, I will have completed another six months of  living away from home.

It always amazes me how sometimes you pen out your dreams and then forget them afterwards then life makes things fall into place and then suddenly you begin realizing that, shucks, this was what I wanted before! And then you remember how you felt so resolute back then, how determined, but then life happens, diluting the dreams but I guess the heart never forgets. It's as if the heart has made a pact with the universe to get to where it wants to be no matter how long it takes. I guess I must be a very patient person after all. 

The people I met here almost always remark about my excessive curiosity which they find both too much and at the same time, cute. They always think I'm a young girl (well, I am young but definitely not a fresh graduate). I get many nicknames here because of that. I am called "carita de bebe" and most of the time, "guapa". Staying for three nights in an AirBNB owned by a Chinese, I got a review from her calling me "非常可爱美女". I was speechless for some time. But then I would opt to treat these as compliments. I am blessed to have youthful looks, unlike most people who look way older than they actually are. But then again, people almost always underestimate my capability to travel because of this. Not that it prevents me from exploring, I just find it sad when they do that.

Six months on almost retirement, six months of much-needed break.... everything has been a worthwhile experience for me. I got to backpack around without rush (although I am always worried about my funds). Six months of being away from my country to test myself and to put myself in a position where I can be far from him. Because this girl needs to move on fast, and there's no better way than to live in a foreign land where you will be more focused on yourself and where you yourself becomes top priority because who else is going to watch out for you?

It only takes six months to test my hypothesis that I can live on my own at this age. Probably not when I am old and sickly, but before I reach that stage in my life, I would love to see many things and to build my own self--- get to know more people, get to explore more cultures and places, get to listen to this world's zeitgeist, or maybe to the small local zeitgeists. This is living life to the fullest. Many will see this as reckless. Many will see this as irresponsible and a waste of time and money. For me it is the best thing yet.

I'm finally moving on.

When Night is Falling (1995)

I've met many lesbians in my life and at one point was mistaken for a lesbian although I did harbor intense feelings for a certain girl, a Black Beauty, whose strange combination of poised elegance and naive awkwardness fascinated me. For a few months I obsessed over her until I came to know that she likes someone else so I just buried myself in work, but not before writing THIS REVIEW OF "Goethe" while in the process of getting over that infatuation. Prior to that, I also "loved" a former French professor, a chubby fellow otaku who wore high heels and mini skirts and whose, again, strange combination of deep monkish compassion and weird mannerisms endeared her to me. ("Loved" because later on, I realized it was more of admiration of the highest kind for this differently sexy woman who made me feel that I was not alone in my feelings of aloofness in our supposedly party-loving department.) This former professor served as an inspiration when I wrote THIS POEM. I never was (and still never is) close to any professors but she was one of a kind because she reached out to me although I was not the best student in French class.

So many times in my life I have encountered many girls who like people from the same sex. Some were very pretty you would be surprised to find that they have girlfriends, who are, also very pretty. Some are very girly that you will find it hard to believe they don't care about boys. Some obviously swings to that direction although I've also had my fair share of being taken by surprise when some of my boyish-looking girl friends turn out to be just THAT. I didn't see those coming because I myself prefers comfy not so girly clothes (i.e. plain T-shirt and knee-length shorts, sometimes jersey shorts from my athletic days in highschool) and I don't judge girls who wear the same clothes I prefer wearing. When a girl friend started to become touchy and I started to become uncomfortable, I had to confront her and then BOOM came the confession. I evaded her for a time but later on realized that I valued our friendship more than anything and cleared up misunderstandings with her.

And then I dated a guy (who eventually dropped me like a hot potato because it turns out he has eyes on just about any woman he meets) who, in order to not make me jealous of  his exes whom he mentioned a lot, would emphasize that they turned to lesbianism and now have women partners. Like, I don't really need to hear that stuff. And then while reading an article on Thai sexualities and nunhood, I found it interesting that a theory of mine must be true--- that some of those who turned to lesbianism have had bad experiences with men that they have dropped the idea of ever engaging in romantic relationships with the opposite sex--- which, admittedly crossed my mind the many times we had petty fights.

When I saw "When Night is Falling" in my HD, I thought to myself, okay, perfect movie. Let's see what this will offer me. The main character, Camille, started out as a hetero with a boyfriend. The two of them are a power couple in a religious college and were up for promotion although right at the beginning of the movie we get the hint that Camille will eventually go to "the other side". Camille preaches change and dynamism whereas her boyfriend Martin teaches stability and certainty. That change began when Camille met Petra, a freedom-loving girl who has more sense and more passion for life, compared to Camille's dull, very academic and rational approach to life. There was that initial resistance but eventually Camille gave in to Petra's seduction and persistent efforts. And the two even had a petty fight when Petra led her to be the center of everyone's attention while dancing and she was laughed at by Petra's circus buddies.

Petra, the beautiful seductress

Despite their lovemaking in a circus setting, the rich red velvet gives off an air of royalty

 Camille: That was vulgar!
Petra: It was not, Camille, it was just fun.
Camille: It was tasteless and crass. (...) I (...) don't like being laughed at.
Petra: (...) If you can't handle real fun here, what'll you do if you're gonna meet fuckers who start making fun of you, huh? Coz they will, you know.
Camille: Not if you show a little dignity.
Petra: Dignity? Whoa! What could be more dignified than dancing with the person I adore?

Petra and Camille make up after a misunderstanding

Camille's reaction is very familiar. It's a reaction that cheaters make because they are "committed" to someone and yet are suddenly flirting with another. On the other hand, Petra's last words are those of a sincere lover who is proud to be with the person she genuinely likes. She was hurt by Camille's burst of anger when she felt as if she were just a little secret never to be exposed. And it got me thinking of the many times my ex and I would "date" and we were supposed to be together but it felt like dating the air because his thoughts were elsewhere and most times he would distance himself from me, as if he was afraid someone would see the two of us together. Very suspicious indeed. And my suspicions were confirmed when he helped another girl by using my work and told that girl that "we used to date", "used to" when in fact we were still going out at that time. I was stupid to trust him after that but our relationship went downhill from there because I found myself unable to trust this man, until one night several months later after we watched a movie, I sent him a long email telling him I quit. He tried A LITTLE to oppose but I knew it was just for show. All his empty talk about me being "family" was proven many times over to be a lie. As I would always tell him, you don't treat family as trash. You treat family right, with respect. (And I write this to remind myself everyday never ever to let anyone treat me the way he treated me, to walk away from every toxic relationship before it totally destroys me.)

So going back to the movie... Martin eventually found out about the affair and was crushed. As I say, it's not only boys who cheat, there are also many immature girls out there who do not have "fidelity" in their vocabulary. I was just super unlucky to have loved someone who was victimized by liars and so I think that's why he couldn't bring himself to fully love me, BECAUSE HE HASN"T GOTTEN OVER HIS PAST. And I am also inclined to think that a big part of the blame is on him, knowing how selfish and manipulative he is. Of course I never met any of his exes... all of them are conveniently abroad (or rather the few he told me about). I wouldn't want to discover his other "adventures".

Do I think I will also engage in same sex relationships? Probably not. I still believe that there are decent men out there who are single. And when I finally meet him, I am sure to do everything in my power to make him a greater man, as he will make me a greater woman. Dragons are harbingers of good luck after all.