Don't Ask Me Why

I don't get why people are always surprised when I tell them I haven't had a boyfriend in my entire life. Does it matter? The world will continue to rotate and revolve around the sun whether or not I have a love life.

Still I enjoy conversations about romantic relationships. I learn through other people's experiences. But I also get to know the complexities and the bothersome aspects of having a relationship. Being quite a carefree girl, entering into one is sure to chain me to something I will have to have serious responsibility for.

Friends may just be worried about me, because I am not getting any younger (insert Eagles' "Desperado" here). At this critical point in my life when I have yet to truly establish myself in anything due to my inability to focus and settle on one thing, I have a lot of things gping on in my mind and romance is something I can live without at present. Though at times I feel hollow inside because life can be different, like, livelier perhaps, if one has a boyfriend who will be there for you no matter what, provided that this guy is a decent one and will never cheat on you and will truly love you just as much as you will love him or even more.

I always say that part of the problem is my inability to understand the whole courtship thing. It just seem like a very inconvenient phase where  the two of you try to get to know each other but you both know that the other is just putting his or her best foot forward. Some guys may seem extra nice to me, some invite me to watch movies, but I never place any meaning on those because.... Well, because I need to know if it's a date, like is he asking me put because he likes me? Apparently, according to friends, guys will never ask girls out unless they like them. Still for me, it can just be because of friendship. I mean, I'm over the phase when I will assume a lot. Maybe I just met the wrong, immature guys in the past. Sad to say, they turned me into a cynic. Add to that my extra dense nature.

And lately I have been thinking that maybe my brain is wired differently because I tend to have different views of things. I don't know, but it does cause a lot of misunderstanding so I constantly try to explain my side and I always feel it is important to do so because I would hate it if I hurt someone's feelings just because they misunderstood me. I see things differently and I tend to overanalyze things. I do give people the benefit of the doubt but there's also always the prevalence of precaution since we really do not know why people are the way they are.

So never ask me why I am still single. It is a bit of an issue to me, just a teeny weeny bit anyway. Maybe I am just not ready, emotionally and mentally. They say that one cannot love if one does not love herself. I am still learning to love myself, to let go of frustrations and all the negative charges.

I just don't get why people are curious about my love life. Should it matter? The sun shall still rise in the east and set in the west. Or maybe they pity me for being too socially inept.

Yeah I think I am regressing lately, back to my college self when all I did was push people away. I keep on building walls and barriers and it's not like I do it on purpose. It is almost like an automatic defense mechanism because of a perceived threat. I woukd get extra defensive, I would snap at and counter every idea, I would not be my normal compassionate self becoming bitchy instead because my brain is sending panic signals because of this threat. The threat of a potential lover.

I am still such a big coward after all the traveling and all the interactions witn different kinds of people. Just when I thought I had become strong enough to face this stage and ready to level up, in the end, I am just a quack.

I hate being like this. Could be easier if everything starts with friendship then blossom to something new. Then I'd truly know I have gone out of my comfort zone.

For now, just don't ask me why. It's nice talking about love, its ideals, personal experiences, but never ask me what I am looking for. I already know what I want in a partner but I'm not telling. 

On the other hand, being single has its very nice perks...