New Everything

By the time August ends, everything will be new.

We are finally moving in to a new house which is even further away from my favorite places in Metro Manila. I feel sad not having taken full advantage of having the LRT and MRT within reach; I could have spent more time at CCP and the National Museum. Guess I will have to rely on holidays to visit these places. Moving to our new place means that I might be quitting many of my activities. Maybe it's time.

I finally broke it off with him following months of compromise while feeling unwanted. Him pushing me away while denying it was difficult. Some boys are too immature to own up and quit when they're no longer happy. They do everything they can to make the girl quit because THEY DON'T WANT THE BLAME TO BE ON THEM. Classic jerks. Him showing me disrespect by ALWAYS taking about other girls whom he sees frequently while denying he's dating them was the last straw. Once a flirt, always a flirt. I should have listened to our former classmates who at the onset had been warning me about him. They found a flirt and a user in him. Me being so naive and being someone who sees more of the positive in a person, threw caution to the winds. I only ended up hit by a violent hurricane.

First there were changes in priorities. Then came the breakdown in communication. Then there were the deliberate attempts to either make me jealous or make me see that I am just an option. That was the last straw. You can never trust a person who constantly lies to get what he wants. What my classmates say that he is only using me echoes in my head as I was typing my let-go email that starting that night of 23rd. I ended up sending him on the 24th, which, later on I realized, was my dreaded number. But maybe 24 isn't so bad after all, when you finally are seeing the light in this mad, dark relationship full of lies, deceit, manipulations. The naive me wanted to believe and trust still, but I know this will only be detrimental to my own health and sanity. They say, when a relationship forces you to grow, it is good. He pushed me to try new things, and for that I thank him.

We jived so well at the start. Everything was going well. Then came the ugly truths, then he showed his true self. Pretensions disgust me as much as infidelity does. Both are two sides of the same coin. How can you trust someone who turns out to be just a pretentious insecure chauvinist/narcissist who can't go beyond himself and who is so full of hatred and misery he only pushes those who care for him away? And I go back to our first dates when he said what he liked about me is me being not pretentious. What you see is what you get. Unlike him, I do not have the need to pretend because I am very much secure of myself, and I have very strong values and life principles. He, on the other hand, has his beliefs anchored in what is convenient and what can produce the greatest benefit for him. Realist him vs. idealist me. So it makes sense that the last few months there were so many fights with him attacking my idealism to the point of calling me self-righteous. As it turns out, my authenticity has become overwhelming.

Everything was sudden. It was not part of the plan. We even watched Patay na Si Hesus together. But I guess something in the movie triggered something in me. I was reminded that there was nothing I could hold on to because he couldn't commit anyway. I suddenly remembered that we're not really boyfriend/girlfriend even though he does something sweet for me sometimes. But later on he would tell me that he'd do the same for his other female friends. FLIRT. So I realized I wan't so special to him after all. Then I came to piece things together and concluded that what they tell me about him is true. And he never bothered to pursue me. I fell into his trap of being the one to give up, a trap that I would also willingly fall into. NOW I CAN MORE CONFIDENTLY SAY THAT WHEN A GIRL GIVES UP ON A BOY, IT IS BECAUSE THE BOY IS A JERK who cannot properly love a girl. And what he says about me being family is something I question because YOU DON'T DISRESPECT FAMILY. YOU TREAT THEM RIGHT. YOU PRIORITIZE THEM.

So after work on Friday I visited a beauty parlor and had my hair cut after eight months. Everytime something happens in my life when I feel the need to change, I have a haircut. It is also timely since I have been seeing a lot of split ends. That, and the need to save on shampoo. Long hair is costly to maintain. And, I will definitely enjoy again that light feeling when the wind blows through my hair.

And maybe, just maybe, I will be transferring to a new job. I have recently found that that my dream job exists!!! Okay, not the ultimate dream job, but definitely one of my dream jobs. I don't know how I will be able to deliver though because it would entail sacrificing my extracurricular activities. But then, who knows? I can just throw my life to the winds again. Who knows where it leads me to?

And I always have God. The Muslims have a favorite phrase, "Inshaallah". It means "God willing", an equivalent of my prayer "God's will be done". Because whatever happens, I will trust in God alone. I will trust his wisdom because he is a just, merciful, compassionate God. (Except my outlook in life is still very Buddhistic.) Come what may, I know that whatever is happening right now is bound to positively affect my immediate future.

I have let go, after countless time of listening to Ajahn Brahm while spending countless nights in tears. That day I composed my let-go email, I was listening to his lecture on letting go. So I am finally letting go. I am finally accepting that things should end, should be destroyed for a rebirth, for a new beginning. And I can't wait for more of life's surprises.

So, dearest me, always put yourself first. Never forget to love yourself first. Because out of proper self-love (not the narcissistic kind), shall compassion and kindness flow out from your heart and onto others. Aristotle was right.