Last night I was reading some articles on Chinese media and in between, was listening to Jann Arden's "Insensitive" and 周杰伦's "等你下课". I have heard both songs many times, "Insensitive" maybe n the radio, and "Waiting for You" at the height of my obsession with Jay Chou's albums a few years after graduating from college. In Bicol, while having dinner in a bar restaurant, a band with sexy singers sang "Insensitive" and it never left my mind since. Now, I know many songs but I unfortunately do not know the titles, but it should happen that while eating a bowl of roast duck noodles on Wednesday night, this song was playing and I took note of the chorus' lyrics then searched for the song upon arriving at my flat. And voila, I put the song on loop in preparation for some karaoke night. Tonight actually, J invited me out to karaoke with his friends but the meetup was at 6:30PM and I only read his message at past 6PM so I said no. It could have been the perfect moment to sing this song.
So remembering Jay Chou again, I searched for one of his earlier works which is 等你下课. And damn it, watching the animated video as well as the live version broke my heart to pieces. I ended up crying so hard late at night. I can very well imagine the pain of being unnoticed by someone you like, even after all the efforts you have exerted to win his/her attention, and even affection. I came to reflect on what happened in Sagada in 2017 when a doctor who was part of the volunteer team found it incredible that I regarded boys as uncaring. He just came from a breakup which I knew nothing of, and the reason was that his ex did not put in much effort in the relationship, or so he complains. Oh well, as I would always say, we only hear his side of the story. He might be doing something that pisses the girl off and I should know because once a girl no longer cares, it only means that the guy messed up. Then again, that's just in my opinion because I'm the kind of person who loves fully and if I like a person I would go to great lengths to do things for him/her (applicable to friends also!).
And it got me thinking of the many things I have already done for J this early. Relationship experts always caution girls to feign indifference and let men chase after them I've broken all the rules before and it indeed ended in tragedy, with me feeling resentful for allowing myself to be used by an evil person who uses people instead of caring and cherishing them. In the end, after he finally broke off with me for real after graduating, I resolved never to go back. Months later, he had the guts to message me and ask if he could use my credit card to make a phone purchase. I was dumb-founded to find a real living person who is so full of himself and so entitled still to my resources even after all the things that he did to me. But shortly after, I laughed it off as something so pathetic. There is no chance that I will go back to the hell I survived. I even unfriended all his family members on Facebook but not without having the decency to tell his youngest sister that I needed to do it for my peace of mind. She asked if her brother and I had a fight. I have expected that he didn't say a word to them but I gracefully told her that whatever happened is between the two of us and I asked that both our privacy be respected (I felt like a showbiz personality saying that. LOL.) Anyway, it felt good that despite me wanting to bitch out on him, I chose the high road and I think that was the time I knew that I have finally achieved sweet nirvana when I thought that moving on was impossible.
Sometimes I get paranoid and imagine what if all men are like that, what if J turns out to be like him? I am already starting to like him and have started to express my emotions slowly and so does he but he never says anything along the lines of "I like you". He would instead comment that I always look beautiful in our photos, which he takes using his phone coz his camera is way better than mine. He is always the perfect gentleman and I hope it's not just because of upbringing but more so because he's having feelings for me, too. But then I stopped asking too many questions after he threw back the same question I asked on NYE. I liked him more when he came over and spent Chinese New Year at home because I invited him for dinner. I cooked chicken dumpling soup and asam pedas. My sister also cooked that night and her lohanchay was good, thank God! J brought peanut butter ice cream which we didn't get to eat until today because it was too soft. So anyway, he already met my mom and my two sisters. It was a good thing my father was out that night as he is a very difficult person.
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