Doors

Early this week, as I walked home late at night after a tiring day, I saw visions of doors, some slightly ajar, most closed, one slowly closing. It was a dark place and I felt the need to run after that door that was closing in slow motion. But no matter how fast I tried to run, I couldn't seem to close the distance between us. It was a quick vision and I hurried home, fearful for what might happen to me while out in the streets at night.

Yesterday was her first death anniversary. I cried as I looked back on what happened last year, how I was filled with regrets and guilt because I was not sure if I had shown her sufficiently how much I loved her. At random moments of my life, I would tell her to come away with me and my sisters. I wanted just the four of us together and I would imagine that we would have a peaceful life. That didn't happen. My sisters refused. Still I hoped so much that when she reaches old age, I would be there to care for her, just as she had cared so much for me when I was an infant.

Then yesterday, there was one more reason to cry although I tried to control my tears. A wanted us to break up. I could imagine him getting tired and sick of the pressures surrounding him more so now when he is busy at work. Since Ramadhan started, he has told me little by little about these. I was confused and hurt, because I knew what was coming even before he asked me "would you be okay without me?" this week. Maybe it is a blessing to have this little gift of presience, to somehow cushion the impact.

I couldn't give a definite answer. It was a scary proposition. I know he has our best interests in mind, but I know that once we give up on each other, it will be the end.

More than ever, he emphasized our differences. We both knew. We have discussed these prior to us getting serious. But it should happen that things will get more difficult. This early, I have already cried an ocean of tears. I do not want to lose him, and I hate myself for being too proud. There are many things I have been doing for our sake which he knows nothing about because I do not want to disappoint him in case I fail. But I guess it is too late now.

Exactly a year after I lost an important person, I would experience the same now. That door that was slowly closing, I do not know if it will really close. I feel like I am transported back to my three year old self when I threw tantrums and cried so hard pleading the Light not to leave me when she tried to go on a vacation.

Even if doors open for me, I doubt if I can have the heart to enter new ones. His will forever be the one for me. When I knew him, I know that I must not leave him. There is the feeling that everything will not turn out right if we get separated. But if he is the one leaving, then there is nothing I can do. It will be difficult, I do not know what will happen next. The door is closing and I couldn't reach it.

A Tale of Love and Darkness (2015)

Ramadhan started on the 6th of this month. That day, he told me we are not to see each other for one whole month. I was hurt and troubled. I know he is busy and all, but most times I find myself thinking if I really have a place in his heart and in his life.

So on the 9th, before I jump into an extra hectic schedule which I embraced wholeheartedly to somehow keep him off my mind, I decided to watch a movie alone. It was funny how that week there were heated exchanges of SMS and all throughout the week I was crying hard. Yet we still manage to remind each other to bring an umbrella because the rainy season is upon us. Or maybe we just want to find an excuse to text each other and show that we care despite the misunderstandings. Either way, when he texted to say it was raining and for me to take care going home, I replied saying I would be at UP to "take a walk because I just wanted to be in a place full of trees". Wild child still.

But I fought hard, braving the heavy Metro traffic, to end up at UPFI to attend the free screening of A Tale of Love and Darkness, a movie by Natalie Portman. It's a heartbreaking movie (or maybe I read too much of my own situation into it) about a family striving to live a normal life in the new state of Israel following World War 2. The Palestinians are of course not too happy since the state was formed on their land. (And we see how malicious the West is when they cause border and frontier issues which remain to this day.) The movie was based on Amos Oz's book of the same title, an autobiography that reveals his pro-Zionist sentiments but without discounting the possible peaceful coexistence with Palestinians.

Amos' story focused in his mother Fania, played by Natalie Portman herself. Fania was a romantic, seemingly infatuated with a strong man who can do manual labor, in contrast to the person she married. Amos' father was a writer who loved etymologies, by the way, and he took pride in this as this gift was what made Fania fall in love with him. Unbeknownst to him, Fania suffers from the marriage, snubbed and bullied by her mother-in-law. Until there came a point when she falls into depression and young Amos had to take care of her. And she repeatedly told him that he was her Light, her only joy. (At this mention, I couldn't help but cry as I thought of the Light of my Life...)

The movie ends showing a teenager Amos driving a tractor. He had become a farmer, a realization of his mother's fantasies.

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Rarely do I see a jampacked UPFI and because I came in around 7:20, I had to be on my feet for the whole duration of the film. Didn't matter to me because I liked the movie although the love part was not emphasized. Darkness pervades the whole film. Love was evident only in Fania's sweet talk to young Amos and well, how Amos put her as the central character in the story.

Jeepney Scene 9

Nitong lumipas na linggo, nakaranas na naman ako ng nakakainis habang nasa jeep. Ako'y patungong unibersidad bandang a las 3 ng hapon at may isang lalaki na sumakay na may hawak na isang basong Dairy Queen na ice cream. Ang init noong hapng iyon, wala namang nakakagulat doon kasi summer na at El Niño pa!

Nakaupo ang lalaki sa dulo ng jeep, halos kaharap ko dahil ako naman ang nakaupo sa pinakadulo pero dahil pumapasok ang init sa jeep ay hindi ko sinagad sa sukdulan ang pag-upo sa dulo. Nang matapos siyang kumain ay inilagay niya ang baso sa ilalim ng upuan. Napatingin ako sa harap para tingnan kung may basurahan at hinarap ang lalaki sabay turo sa basurahan. "May basurahan po o, " sabi ko.

Dahil nasa dulo siya, nag-asta siyang tila gusto itapon pero dahil sa nasa dulo siya ay "hirap" siya. Sa inis ko ay hinigi ko ang baso at ako mismo ang nagtapon, kahit na hindi naman kami nagkakalayo. Nakakahiya naman sa kanya.

Grabe lang, mga Pinoy. Kailan kaya kayo magiging mapag-alaga sa kapaligiran??? Ang galing ninyo magpost ng kung ano-ano sa Facebook lalo nung kasagsagan ng Heneral Luna, pero hindi ninyo talaga magawang tumino. Grabe lang. Lahat tayo umaasa sa magandang pagbabago pero ang tunay na pagbabago ay nagsisimula sa sarili.

Campaigns and Divisions

So social media is awashed with posts on the elections, and suddenly everybody is an expert in the field of politics. I'm not condemning anyone and I find it amusing to see people politically engaged and exercising freedom of speech as each campaigns for his or her chosen candidates. As an exercise of democracy, the elections play a significant role in bringing out the voice of the masses by putting into positions the persons voted by the majority.

In the process, instead of cute cat videos and satirical "must make it until payday" memes, we see a lot of posts on the recently held debates. For once, as the fate of the nation hinges on the upcoming elections, and as people's votes are all equal regardless of social rank and status, it is nowhere in Philippine history where the exercise of democracy is thus manifested. This is aside from the organized People Power/ EDSA revolutions that ousted from power those deemed incompetent to run the country though funny how one still became Mayor of Manila after being removed from power.

Also in the process we see a lot of online bickering. People easily get carried away and we see friends turning into foes simply because they support different candidates. And here we see one of the ugly aspects of democracy: people become so engrossed in their idea of freedom, in their idea of what constitutes as "best"and become tyrants themselves, tyrants in the sense that they seek to dominate everything and prove people wrong when in fact, they themselves are not infallible. Countless times I had to resist the urge to counter these posts but I'd rather keep my peace and not engage. I still think that we need unity more than ever if we are to propel this nation to greatness and instilling conflicts definitely does not help.

Which then makes me think about how different the Philippines is compared to other Southeast Asian nations. We are never a mindful people, and we never care for rules. We are all little anarchists under the guide of a democratic system imposed on us by the West (i.e. USA). Imagine what could have been were Buddhism gained a major footing in this country. Then there will be tolerance and respect. (Of course this is just, broadly speaking, an observation. Being Buddhist does not necessarily mean being tolerant of others as we have seen in Sri Lanka and Myanmar where religious violence takes place.)

Which also reminds me of quotidian politics. In any group or organization, there will always be people who will create rifts in order to gain allies in case he/ she will need to mobilize people. This divide will rest on commonalities and more often than not, bitches (i.e. mean girls though boys are also capable of this) will unite and create an "enemy" by means of othering. I have seen manifestations of this and more so in the workplace. What is funny though is that you will hear them bash each other when one is not present but when they come together they seem like the best of friends. Oh well. (This is admittedly a digression and I can't help but write about this...)

So campaign for your candidates with all your heart and soul. It is your right. But never forget that in doing so, you should not expect a reward because for your chosen candidate, your existence is negligible. Never forget that having respect for your friends and for their choices, absurd as they may be, should be top priority. Practice respect, tolerance, and humility.

And speaking of, I have yet to make a final decision... @.@

Chinese Poetry 001

While on a pensive mood inside the library, I cannot help but rewrite a Chinese poem which somewhat alludes to ChuangTzu's butterfly dream.

Repel illusions. Focus on reality. What seems is not what is.

Depression kicking in but I don't plan to lose.

Hell Week

I am just glad the first of two hell weeks is now over.

This week, I had consecutive meetings at work, leaving me unable to attend to the core processes that we do. I hope it doesn't affect my performance this year. Add to that the two papers and two reports. Whew! So for 10 consecutive days I have had very little sleep averaging at just 3.5 per day, which is sooooo below the minimum required for my cutie sleep.

It's amazing that I still was able to not fall asleep. Maybe there was the adrenaline rush. Anyhow, I'm glad that theres's only one more week to go then I can already breatehe well and smile and relax while having my normal 8 hours of cutie sleep. My noontime nap has been very helpful in making me focus on taking on the important action items. That and the fact that I fall asleep while in transit. Energy may not be fully restored but it sure was sufficient to last me until I get home.

So today I went out with a guy who shares funny stories about himself and about other things. We watched London has Fallen after lunch at Ramen Santouka (my second time there which attests to this resto's good food), and he might just be the perfect movie companion because he was able to explain to me how intelligence units function and rescue operations are carried out. Cool!

It's also cool to get to know someone who's totally different from the usual people I encounter. It was an honor to be told that I'm interesting (probably because I am too outspoken LOL), a compliment I get a lot from people but most would also find me equally intimidating so they'd rather step back, which for me seems like an insult. I don't understand what people see in me sometimes. In general, old folks and younger people adore me, but people my age don't. @.@

Aaaaand I just added a pile of readings on my list. Busy days ahead. But I'm loving it because I'm learning a lot and I can feel that I'm growing again. Somebody save me from stagnation!!! I'll always be grateful to our supervisor for giving me these opportunities. Speaking of which, I will miss him so much but I can't tell him that because it would be awkward. @.@

February 2016

February being the month of love finds me reconnecting with many people.

The first weekend, my highschool friends and I finally were able to schedule a mini reunion at K Pub where we had fun talking about high school life. (I initially thought I wouldn't be able to consume a lot of meat but having grilled chicken or beef wrapped in lettuce creates wonders.) It's amazing that my friends still remember many things about me, but most especially the unforgettable umbrella episode wherein I broke an umbrella which scared the shit out of them. So they teased me, calling me bakemono (monster). No insult for me, in fact I took it as a compliment and I felt like a strong little girl. (And they would tell me I'm like Biscuit who looks like a cute girl most of the time but transforms into a muscled woman when it's time to fight.) I'm glad that finally one of my guy friends has a GF. So that means among the five of us, only two are left with no love life. (All four of them are boys and due to my scholastic standing I was considered the boss. LOL.)

The following week, I had a date with my mom, just the two of us, on a weekday. We watched Everything About Her, starring Vilma Santos, Angel Locsin, and Xian Lim. (I just find AL too beautiful and I haven't seen a lot of her on TV except for the Saturday talent show which bores me BTW so no thanks.) We had light snacks at Figaro then quick shopping, then movie. After the movie, we had dinner at Shi Lin, her choice because she wants to eat xiaolongbao which is aligned to my expectations as well.

That same weekend, I traveled all the way to Laguna just to see a friend whom I missed a lot. Whoever says that I don't value friendship is dead wrong. I may be busy but I make sure to be there for a friend in need. And this is exactly what happened. I think she needed to be surrounded with friends following a breakup. So we ended up chatting until very late in the evening. It's sooooo good to be around her again. I think the reason why we jive so much is because we're both respectful of other people's views. We tend to disagree on things like art theory (she's an art studies major) but most times we have similar views especially when it comes to politics and civil service.

Third weekend was spent with a researcher whom I met at a conference last year. It was soooo good to see her again and to experience her warmth and generosity. We hang out at the library as she was finishing her research before we visited her friend who was equally warm to me. Then she toured me at the wet market in Kamuning and we had dinner at the heritage resto Kamuning Bakery Cafe where I had the longganisa pasta. Yummy!

Third Sunday was spent working on reports. Not yet finished but I sneaked out of the house to watch Deadpool with co-volunteers because Z was temporarily in the PH and would be returning back to China soon. It was an ambush invite but I was glad I was able to meet with them. I had loads of fun with the highly wittily comedic movie.

On the last week, I finally was able to visit my first godchild. Cool!!! The father has become a close friend following our deployment in Cavite last year doing volunteer work. And I finally met his wife, a lovely and warm woman, sweet and caring to their child. I'm so honored to be chosen as the godmother, seeing what a loving couple they are. (And yet they throw me that one question I often hate: When are you getting married???  >.< But I don't even have a boyfriend!!!)