Bleak

I was supposed to graduate this semester, but my INCs hindered me from getting that much-needed diploma in just one and a half year.

Along the way, I realized that I love many things, and archaeology is just one of them. Surfing the net on depressing nights with the purpose of gaining a muse, I stumbled into digital art. On days when I itch to watch anime, having felt deprived due to heavy academic workload, I accidentally put in  さらい屋五葉 and was simply astounded with the play of light and shadows. Then there was "Kung Fu Panda 2" which touched me greatly, aside from making me laugh out really loud. I realized I want to be an animator. Well, it's not the first time that I wanted to be one. Even before, I considered that career choice.

Flashback to when I was a third year undergraduate student. I met a really cool prof who love anime. That was a first for me, so I was so happy. Once I was busy leafing through Spanish books on history in the library, she saw me and said she liked nerds/ geeks. And I instantly love her for that. I remember her treating me to a glass of iced tea at a cafe just beside Vargas Museum. She offered to treat me to lunch but I graciously declined the offer. At that time, we just talked, just the two of us, mainly about anime, orgs, yaoi, techie stuff, etc. At that time, I became aware of the fact that although I am good at logic (and got very high grades in programming in high school) I don't know anything at all about the latest software. Heck I am currently struggling with photoshop and trying to finish digitizing the permatraces with the hope that I don't incur another INC--- which might cause a major heartbreak since I was able to submit my paper last week.

Just now, I remember her. She was ever so kind to all of her students. She assured me that I'd do fine in class, when I was really on the verge of frustration due to my inability to contribute anything for the class play. We worked together for the video to be used as background for the play. It was supposed to be my task but knowing my being a noble savage ignorant of video editing and such, she helped me a lot. Before the semester ended I was able to learn how to edit videos though, thanks to a classmate who showed me how simple it actually is. The skill I learned proved to be useful when, working for a bags and clothing company as a marketing consultant, videos needed to be edited and there was a shortage of staff and I took the opportunity to practice video-editing.

Right now I am learning photoshop. Yes, the youth of today learn on their own. But I'm different. I need to learn the basics first from someone. Once I get the basics, I can advance on my own. There are few moments in my life where I learn a skill on my own. I am more inclined to the abstract, to ideas and concepts, than I am to practical know-how.

A few months back, our director and I had a talk. He wanted to know if I would pursue a master's degree. I said I can't at present, but that I'd consider after getting my diploma. I told him that I'm having financial problems, which is for the most part, the crippling factor. Second, I wanted to do the things I've always wanted: writing, drawing, composing. These are my main avenues for expression. I chase after beauty, I chase after images and texts that evoke powerful emotions. I've seen so much, read so much. For a change, I want to be seen, to be read.

I also miss Math a lot. If ever, I have a particular topic I'd like to research on which I won't disclose here. I want to delve into more abstractions, I want to experience again that ecstatic state after having solved a problem through sheer logic. 

But the future is bleak as usual. Dark clouds of uncertainty produce horrifying shadows which seem to haunt me even in sleep. But the people I met who once inspired me a great deal, they continue to do so at present as I go on a stroll down memory lane. I know what I want to do. The problem as usual is money. For the meantime, I shall live within my means and take one simple step at a time. Next week I'm buying a sketchpad and a set of coloring pencils. But then again, there are deficiencies to take care of first.