Fixing My Finances

If there is something I want to thank my ex for, it's that he talked me to take risks and invest my money to make it grow instead of having it locked up in my bank. I know what they always say about growing money, I am financially literate (to a certain extent) but the overthinker in me just cannot stop thinking that money-growing instruments can be manipulated and rigged and while you can certainly become richer, there is also a big possibility you will lose a big amount. I learn that from the economic crises the world has been through and it is certainly scary especially for someone who feels overly anxious about the future.

When I first started to join the workforce, my first investments still were on the safe side. I would only invest in RTBs despite the very low interest and the long lockdown period. At least, I reasoned to myself, the interest rate is still more decent than a even BPI Family Savings bank. Eventually, my parents talked me into investing into stocks as again they are fearful of my future knowing how volatile and unpredictable (much worse than stock markets) their daughter can be. They would just sigh whenever I would tell them I'd be heading off to this and that adventure or I'd be eating at this and that restaurant. They would always ask me if I have enough savings as I seem to so self-indulgent and so they would ask me to contribute something for the house to give me a bit of responsibility. I learned how lucky I am that unlike my other friends, I only have to look after myself. Some people even accuse me of being too privileged but they do not know the nitty gritty of my spending habits and they do not need to know. Like, yes, I do spend a lot on food and travel, but I also donate part of my income to some worthwhile charity on certain occasions. Like, just last month, I spent more than P4,300 to buy soap, napkins, toothbrushes, toothpaste, etc for the evacuees affected by the heavy ashfall in Southern Luzon. 

Last week, while at home thinking where all my money has gone to, because whenever I look at my savings account, I feel like I've wasted my eight years of being a full-time worker. Other people my age have already put up their own business or bought properties and yet the only thing I can proudly say is that I have invested heavily in myself, in growing my character and more importantly, in gaining deeper wisdom and wider knowledge of the world. I have seen how my self-investments pay off in that I always seem to be very different from people around me because of my awareness of things the general public is ignorant of. 

And so anyway, last week, after submitting my draft proposal, I set out to finish other tasks. I have a very long list of tasks accumulated over the years and sad to say I realize too late that I have been neglecting my personal finances. Since I am so meticulous when it comes to recording my expenses, I opened my expenses diary and listed down my monthly expenses and listed down my end-of-year savings and end-of-year investments for 2019. This will become my benchmark for the coming years and I already created an Excel file to see my progress. I know there is a lot of catching up I need to do for my three unproductive years after graduating from college. 

Today I braved the Friday traffic to head to Pag-Ibig instead of chilling at home. I just found out that they now have a Virtual Portal where one can see contributions and even pay online but with a fee. I registered online and I need to have my account activated at any branch within 7 days. The activation process took less than 5 minutes but you need to line up with other members regardless of the kind of transaction you have. It sucks. I complained a lot to the guard about it and also to the staff who activated my account and said it is VERY unfair and stupid to have members who have registered online to still burn time and queue up with others. I don't know what goes on in the minds of whoever designed this system but it is very inefficient. In all, I spent 3 hours in the Pag-Ibig office when it should not have taken me more than 30 minutes. Note to self: never go at the end of the month.

红高粱 (1988)

This week I continued to watch a Chinese action film about the poet 李白 who is made into a vigilant reminiscent of Batman, and yet still did not finish the film. Today instead of working on my thesis, I watched a movie I have always been curious about.  I finally found a copy in Youtube except it does not have English nor Chinese subtitles (save for some folk songs in the movie) which is fine since I leveled up a lot after I vowed to be better at Mandarin upon seeing my low score in HSK level 6 exam. I did pass, but my heart is not happy with what I achieved. 

The film is about a woman named 九儿 (九 is homophone of 酒 which is also central to the story) who is being sent off to be married to an old man. Along the way, the entourage was blocked by a bandit who almost raped 九儿 had it not been for a worker who is referred to by the Main Narrator as "My Grandpa". This grandpa pounced on the bandit and initiated the attack that was eventually joined by his coworkers leading to the bandit's death. Later  on, grandpa will himself rape 九儿 although it is more like carrying her off in the fields of sorghum and it seems that whatever happened between them is consensual. The old man died suddenly and 九儿 assumes the role of boss of  the wine distillery with the help of an old worker Luohan. The men had a feast and folk songs are shown alongside rituals expressing pride of their own made red sorghum wine. Later on, 九儿 is kidnapped by a man named Sanpao who owns a butcher shop. He demands ransom and when 九儿 is freed, grandpa goes to Sanpao seeking revenge and calms down when Sanpao tells him he did not touch 九儿.

For a while, the distillery people lived in peace and 九儿 is seen to be happy with her young son who plays among the wine jars. Luohan leaves the distillery without a word and disappears as 九儿 chases after him. It turns out that he joined an anti-Japanese resistance and is later revealed to be caught alongside the bandit Sanpao. The Japanese round up the people of the distillery and cause terror, bringing with them the two prisoners. A butcher who works for Sanpao is praised and given money for his good work on skinning an animal and is later ordered to skin Sanpao alive which he refused and stabbed Sanpao instead to give his boss a quick death. Luohan is not as lucky as the other skinner obeyed the Japanese order because his life is under threat. The skinning alive of Luohan is witnessed by 九儿 and everyone. They vowed to avenge his death and in the end everyone dies except for the narrator's father (九儿's son) and grandpa.

This movie by Zhang Yimou seems to me to be an allegory of the struggles of the Chinese people. First is the emancipation from capitalism (death of the old leper). Then, the internal conflict seen in the bandit kidnapping 九儿, as well as the narrator's grandpa raping 九儿 (Chinese victimizing fellow Chinese). Third, is the terror wrought by the Japanese which made some Chinese turn to their own kind, but which also shows the nobility of the Chinese spirit to rise against foreign aggression. In all three, it is interesting that the female is seen as the ultimate victim who can temporarily achieve success but who will still ultimately die. There are so many things one can discuss with regards to this movie and it pretty much reminds me of the Filipino classic Oro Plata Mata which is disturbing to say the least. It should also be noted that Zhang Yimou is also the one behind another favorite wartime movie of mine: The Flowers of War.

Insensitive X 等你下课

Last night I was reading some articles on Chinese media and in between, was listening to Jann Arden's "Insensitive" and 周杰伦's "等你下课". I have heard both songs many times, "Insensitive" maybe n the radio, and "Waiting for You" at the height of my obsession with Jay Chou's albums a few years after graduating from college. In Bicol, while having dinner in a bar restaurant, a band with sexy singers sang "Insensitive" and it never left my mind since. Now, I know many songs but I unfortunately do not know the titles, but it should happen that while eating a bowl of roast duck noodles on Wednesday night, this song was playing and I took note of the chorus' lyrics then searched for the song upon arriving at my flat. And voila, I put the song on loop in preparation for some karaoke night. Tonight actually, J invited me out to karaoke with his friends but the meetup was at 6:30PM and I only read his message at past 6PM so I said no. It could have been the perfect moment to sing this song. 

So remembering Jay Chou again, I searched for one of his earlier works which is 等你下课. And damn it, watching the animated video as well as the live version broke my heart to pieces. I ended up crying so hard late at night. I can very well imagine the pain of being unnoticed by someone you like, even after all the efforts you have exerted to win his/her attention, and even affection. I came to reflect on what happened in Sagada in 2017 when a doctor  who was part of the volunteer team found it incredible that I regarded boys as uncaring. He just came from a breakup which I knew nothing of, and the reason was that his ex did not put in much effort in the relationship, or so he complains. Oh well, as I would always say, we only hear his side of the story. He might be doing something that pisses the girl off and I should know because once a girl no longer cares, it only means that the guy messed up. Then again, that's just  in my opinion because I'm the kind of person who loves fully and if I like a person I would go to great lengths to do things for him/her (applicable to friends also!). 

And it got me thinking of the many things I have already done for J this early. Relationship experts always caution girls to feign indifference and let men chase after them I've broken all the rules before and it indeed ended in tragedy, with me feeling resentful for allowing myself to be used by an evil person who uses people instead of caring and cherishing them. In the end, after he finally broke off with me for real after graduating, I resolved never to go back. Months later, he had the guts to message me and ask if he could use my credit card to make a phone purchase. I was dumb-founded to find a real living person who is so full of himself and so entitled still to my resources even after all the things that he did to me. But shortly after, I laughed it off as something so pathetic. There is no chance that I will go back to the hell I survived. I even unfriended all his family members on Facebook but not without having the decency to tell his youngest sister that I needed to do it for my peace of mind. She asked if her brother and I had a fight. I have expected that he didn't say a word to them but I gracefully told her that whatever happened is between the two of us and I asked that both our privacy be respected (I felt like a showbiz personality saying that. LOL.) Anyway, it felt good that despite me wanting to bitch out on him, I chose the high road and I think that was the time I knew that I have finally achieved sweet nirvana when I thought that moving on was impossible. 

Sometimes I get paranoid and imagine what if all men are like that, what if J turns out to be like him? I am already starting to like him and have started to express my emotions slowly and so does he but he never says anything along the lines of "I like you". He  would instead comment that I always look beautiful in our photos, which he takes using his phone coz his camera is way better than mine. He is always the perfect gentleman and I hope it's not just because of upbringing but more so because he's having feelings for me, too. But then I stopped asking too many questions after he threw back the same question I asked on NYE. I liked him more when he came over and spent Chinese New Year at home because I invited him for dinner. I cooked chicken dumpling soup and asam pedas. My sister also cooked that night and her lohanchay was good, thank God! J brought peanut butter ice cream which we didn't get to eat until today because it was too soft. So anyway, he already met my mom and my two sisters. It was a good thing my father was out that night as he is a very difficult person.

Hugs to Marawi 09012017

Reminiscing about the past while accidentally opening a folder of photos from my heartbroken years (2015-mid-2019), I  chanced upon some photos of my stuffed toys. In September 2017, exactly on Eid-ul-Adha, I once again stood as one with our Muslim brothers and sisters. It was a holiday and instead of  resting or working on my papers, I jumped at the opportunity to help out in packing donations to be sent to Marawi. (Just a brief background, ISIL supporters and Maute militants captured Marawi in May 2017 and battles ensured between them and the armed forces, resulting in the destruction of the city and evacuation of its residents. As of the moment, rebuilding the city is on-going.) The nearest venue for me was Sto. Domingo Church where I met the resident father in 2015 in a volunteer trip to the north and where I have been volunteering whenever my schedule permits.

September of 2017 also saw us packing and moving things nonstop as we move to a new house far up north. It was a decision made by our parents with the express approval of my eldest brother, the only one who seemed to be fine with moving out of the heart of QC. At that time, I decided that the suffed toys I have accumulated over the years will have to go. Never mind the sentimental value, I will have a lot of explaining to do to my friends who gave me these stuffs knowing I love anything cute. But they have to go and it's time new arms take care of them rather than have them gather dust. So before I give them away, I took photos of the important ones, which I share in this post.

Modoki and Kon which I got on my 18th birthday from my ever-supportive HS friends

Giggle Bunny, my first stuffed toy from my Ninong. 

The scented white bear was from someone who had a crush on me in HS, the brown one was a graduation gift from a close friend. I think the white seal is my sister's....

We packed all these children's books. Tiring work but totally fulfilling.

08152019

While I am not one to travel for less than five days, I found myself saying yes to an unusual invitation from a former classmate.

We used to sit in the same class on my last semester in college. In that class, I was almost always late because I had to run from the gym (I had table tennis for PE) to my home college. My normal attire then was my UP PE shirt and the volleyball jersey shorts given to me by a highschool friend, and rubber shoes. Since I was usually the last one to enter the classroom, I had the special seat reserved for me, that seat which students would not dare take because it is the one nearest to the professor's table. Good thing I had no qualms about it and have never been intimidated even by terror professors. In fact, most of my classmates admired me for my ability to approach even the most feared of professors and to ask uncomfortable questions. So anyway, those times, that former classmate and I never spoke to each other. Just plain hi or hello. He was always seated between his two friends, one was friendly towards me, the other was a noisy guy in class. I remember being amused with those three because they seldom did homework and yet they endeared themselves to our professors by means of class participation and jokes.

This former classmate and I became Facebook friends but we never had any meaningful interactions save for a few likes of posts or photos, and at one time, he invited me to his house to celebrate his birthday but I wasn't able to attend. In fact, I had no plans of attending because I was afraid of being out of place since I am not like people my age who drink and party a lot. Also because back when we were classmates, I had a little crush on him and I stay away from my crushes because I saw crushes as threats to my peace.

So it came as a big surprise when a week after his birthday, he chatted me up on Facebook and asked if I was in Manila. Friends ask this same question whenever they want to meet and so they check first if I'm even in the metro. I don't know what spirit possessed me at that time or maybe it was out of reflex, I replied "yeah, wanna meet up?" And we agreed to have dinner near my workplace. I was able to keep myself calm upon seeing him. He used to be my crush and whenever I saw him in class I couldn't help but think that he must be a very nice person and a shy one at that. When I first saw him that time at the mall, I was surprised to find his size more than doubled. But he looked way more approachable now compared to the slimmer him. He used to resemble the Korean version of Domyouji (played by Lee Min Ho) and I happen to like guys with curly/ wavy hair, makes them look so hot and sexy. Later on, I thought to myself, maybe if he was still the same size when I first met him, I wouldn't have agreed to go out because he would seem like a threat to my peace, and that is the last thing I wanted after having just moved on successfully.

His pick: YAYOI. Awesome Japanese food. It's easy to see that I am a consumer of Japanese culture and cuisine.

It was a simple catch up. I was a bit nervous because I really knew nothing about him except that he travels way more often compared to me. So I had to make sure to stick to safe topics and he also made me feel at ease. He talked about his family and I was surprised at how he seems to be comfortable talking about his childhood trauma to me, a mere classmate who hasn't seen him in almost a decade. I could very well relate since my family is pretty toxic, also. But at least I had my yaya who was my source of comfort in this cold dark world. I told him about my potted plants and how I would love to own a piece of land just so I can have my own vegetable garden.

My sister and I had agreed to go home together and when she got tired of shopping, which is unusual BTW, she texted me asking when are we going to finish. So we had to part ways and I even forgot his name when I introduced him to my sister. (It was super embarrassing but nothing can compare to  what happened late last year when I went out with a guy whose family is friends with my brother's fiancée. We had lots to talk about because we both travel a lot and after getting dinner and some ice cream, we exchanged numbers only to find out we both forgot each other's names! How awkward and stupid was that! I still laugh when ever I tell that story to my friends.) So J mumbled his complete name which is rather long and I find it cute and I really didn't comprehend half of it but I suddenly remembered his nickname! My sister asked me again his full name when we were headed to the van terminal and I just said, I forgot. Shucks.

So anyway, I didn't want to give it much thought except I am happy that someone from my past without much connection to me reached out and went out with me. It felt like my reconnection project after finishing my post-graduate diploma studies. Weeks after, I invited him to watch movies at a film festival but he declined due to an emergency. We lost contact for a while and out of nowhere he messaged me and asked me to travel with him just because he found me one very cool person. (Spending New Year's Eve with him up until daybreak of 2020, I remembered to ask him what he meant by "cool" then and he said that I was fun to be with. The same comment I get from my male friends who just want to hang out but never did try to pursue me romantically.) So in October of 2019, we went to Albay together with my roommate in Penang, a girl whom I eventually regretted bringing with us because she was overly dependent on us and cared only about herself. We stayed in his house the night before our early morning flight and he cooked fish curry for us. He used pampano and it was really good, except I would have preferred a spicy version. That was the first time I saw how cool J was. And he became an even cooler person in my eyes because he never complained even when we stayed in a non-AC room, even when in Rapu-Rapu Island we never did any of the touristy stuff and had simple meals in the local carinderia. We swam in what the locals call "Look" which is a bay facing the open sea. It was pretty safe, not much waves. I saw how strong he is when we hiked to the waterfalls and back. I wanted to hug him if only because he reminds me of my favorite panda Po, as he tried to keep up with us. In order to make the hike a bit entertaining and less tiresome, I played sweeper so I could keep an eye on him in case something happens and sang animé songs like my favorite Fields of Hope. The objective was to lighten up the atmosphere because I was thinking maybe he didn't like all the strenuous activity. I was surprised he knew the song! And I think I began to like him when we did some karaoke with the locals and it turned out that he is karaoke king! WOW! I once told myself, I wanted to be with someone musically inclined and who knows how to cook. Maybe he is sent by the heavens to me.

I finally got to see the majestic almost perfect cone of Mt. Mayon, pride of Bicol.

Never mind that he didn't greet me on my birthday. Never mind that he still hasn't handed to me the dried fish he bought in Seoul in September as of this writing. But when I was asking around who'd love to go with me to a concert where Ben&Ben would be performing, he was the only one who said yes. We had early dinner at High Grounds in Timog area. He said he used to play computer games there. The café has really cool fusion food. He planned to treat me but I was almost 30 minutes late so I volunteered to pay the bill. I´m so happy to find someone who´s super passionate about music and who can understand me whenever I talk about why I love this kind of music and why not that kind of music. We shared a cup of DQ ice cream during the concert and after that, went for some milk tea, my first time to taste Macao Imperial. Then we headed to a cool karaoke place where the mic seems to beautify everything. We did 2 hours and he dropped me off at our village gate at 3AM, the latest I went home to since we moved to the north. Before arriving home, I managed to ask him if he has plans of settling down and he said, if given the chance, why not.

The sunset as viewed from our simple room in Rapu-Rapu Island

The next few days saw us becoming closer in chats. I was starting to feel at ease with this guy who´s just so talented and so kind I cried a couple of times whenever I remember stories of his exes. Of course everything was from his POV but then imagining the abuses he´s had suffered from different people, my heart hurt for him and I cried. Why do people hurt good people and love bad people? Everytime we're together and remember all the pain he's been through, I wanted to hug him and protect his happiness, seeing that he is a very nice person although he has numerous flaws of his own. I was thinking what if years back I had been bold enough to be friendly with him, what if I attended his birthday party in 2013, what if I confessed to him back then? On second thought, looking back, me during my undergraduate years is an angry girl and I might not be able to give him the love and care he deserved.

Bicol's famous chili ice cream at 1st Colonial (NAIA T3): I had the spiciest one. He had the less spicy version. 

I invited him to jog around UP but we ended up walking and going on a mini food trip. That was fine. I actually foresaw that already. We talked more about relationships, his past mistakes which he regrets so much. I asked how his brother is doing after a sudden breakup with his fiancée. Out of the blue, he said that marriage is just something society expects from us and all the postmodern stuff. It made me sad, because it seemed like suddenly he changed his mind about marriage. While right now I am still ambivalent about marriage, I am pretty sure I'd want to have children of my own, although at times I fear that bringing them into this world might be a bad idea because of the chaos and the prevalence of heartless, robotic humans. At this point I was surprised to learn that he wrote a children's book. We talked about poetry and songs and how he likes Sylvia Plath and postmodern stuff and I said I like Romantic ones like Wordsworth, Blake, Becquer and that I care about the form and structure of the poem as much as I care about the message.

We didn't see each for days and on the 31st, I picked up the courage to ask him if he's free to hang out. At that time, I have noticed that I was always the one who's taking the initiative to ask him out and to plan activities together and I was kind of thinking that maybe he is just being polite when he tells me he enjoys being with me. He never asked me out except for the trip that we planned together. So I was thinking maybe this time he will decline because NYE is kind of special and if he declines, that will be the last time I will be proactive. He was more than happy to see me but he asked to meet up after their family dinner, which is understandable. As for me, I panicked when I later on realized that establishments close very early. I asked him if he wanted to postpone to a later date instead because we didn't have anywhere to hang out in and he asked his friends around and one couple agreed to take us in. So he picked me up and together we spent NYE and first hours of 2020 together. It made me feel special but I do not want to assume anything since he never said he liked me. Everything just happened so fast and I just want to relax and see how it goes.

Tra Vinh (Ayala Cloverleaf) 07272019

This year, I played chaperone to my mom while she attends unofficial reunions with her highschool friends. Our arrangement was that I go to some other place to eat while she spends time with her friends. It is a weird arrangement and a friend even remarked that it doesn't seem proper but I am okay with it because:

1. They'd be more comfortable among themselves since they've known each other for years.

2. I can go explore restos on my own and wouldn't need to think about different preferences.

3. My me time is sacred and I need to also read for my thesis.

In one of their reunions, they agreed to meet up at Ayala Cloverleaf. It proved to be a good opportunity for me to visit TRA VINH, a restaurant I first came to know years back in Banawe. It serves Vietnamese food and some Southeast Asian ones. My first impression then was so-so, nothing special. I still liked Pho Hoa or Pho Bac. But the Cloverleaf branch is different. The food here is more flavorful and I just couldn't believe how awesome everything I ate was.

Duck soup with rice noodles. I could have opted for the usual yellow egg noodles but this one is light and balances the intense flavors of the duck soup.

My taste buds had  fun chasing and savoring the mix of spicy and salty seasonings of these grilled treats. YUM! 

Just the right dessert to cap off an awesome meal. Not too sweet (I made sure to ask for no added sugar) and it's creamy. 

Quote from FIERCE INVALIDS HOME FROM HOT CLIMATES

“I suspect there’s a bid for empowerment behind it all, the power going to whoever seizes the right to coin the names. In a reality made of language, the people who get to name things have psychological ownership of those things.. Couples name their pets and children, Madison Avenue names the products that dominate our desires, theologians name the deities that dominate our spirit－’Yahweh’ changed to ‘Jehovah’ changed to plain ol’ generic ‘God’－kids name the latest cultural trends or rename old ones to make them theirs; politicians name streets and schools and airports after one another or after the enemies they’ve successfully eliminated: they took Martin Luther King’s life, for example, and then by naming their pork barrel projects after him, took possession of his memory. In a way, we’re like linguistic wolves, lifting our legs on patches of cultural ground to mark them with verbal urine as territory that we alone control. Or maybe not.”

- Switters, page 211

This book kept me company while I was in Spain and I savored every word and every moment in the book. Tom Robbins is one heck of a writer with an outrageously funny and witty and super playful mind whose command of language is so hilariously realistic although a bit vulgar. I especially love the way he conjures images in his readers minds with his silly similes and humorous metaphors, thrown alongside a long list of ironies in the novel. 

Much to my regret, I had to leave the book behind as part of my detachment exercises. I miss it from time to time but I find comfort in that whoever picks up that book might also experience the same enjoyment I did.