Budget Date with Myself

Yesterday I dated myself. Since I have no time to ask around who wants to go on a date with me, I decided to just spend the whole day alone. I brought with me a little over P100 since I have to be extra thrifty in order to prepare for necessary expenses for the excavations this summer. I've done this before and it always amazes me how I am still able to survive on such a meager budget.

First I had to go to my alma mater. Since it was so hot, I was prompted to buy carrot-melon shake (P30). Then I proceeded to the library to return some books and to pay overdue fines amounting to P10. For lunch, I finally tried the potato twists located along Foodtrip Strip. With a buy 1 take 1 promo, I'm sold to spend P30. It's like eating 2 pieces of potatoes together with oil and lots of vetsin. I didn't mind. My tongue is craving for anything salty these days. (And I couldn't stop thinking about nachos, tacos, and taco-flavored Doritos.)

Off to Shangrila Mall in Mandaluyong to attend the New Zealand Film Festival. It's for free, so all the better for me  who's short on money. I watched the documentary "The Topp Twins: Untouchable Girls", about Jools and Linda Topps who inspired change through their performances, as well as 'Sione's Wedding", about good-for-nothing men who must find girlfriends to attend their friend's wedding.

In between the two films, I had a light snack at Jollibee. I tried their chicken and mushroom pasta (P55), paying only P5 because I brought a GC worth P50. Tastes bad. It's one of those fake pasta. The sauce smells like vetsin. There are no chicken bits so I wonder why they call it CHICKEN and mushroom pasta. It's got slices of button mushroom though. And the serving's really SMALL. These days it just isn't practical to eat at Jollibee. You don't get your money's worth.

Transportation expenses add up to less than P60. So all in all, I spent less than P150. Not bad. I'm looking forward to my next date with myself.

Finding Love: One Week of Love

It’s another ZERO in romantic love for me this year. But love in other forms more than compensate for that lack of romantic love. For instance, I have realized how much I treasure my students. Being the first ever to be my students, they shall always occupy a special place in my heart. They can be noisy, uncooperative, selfish, and disrespectful at times, but when you really get to know them, you will find that they are cheerful people who struggle everyday to meet the demands in the academe. I have come to know their reservations, their silent dreams, their aspirations, their struggles— which make them all the more endearing to me. Perhaps the reason why I can totally relate is because as a student myself, I am also under such stress and pressure to complete the requirements in school. On Valentine’s Day itself, I spent the whole day in school, 12 straight hours in front of my beloved students, discussing one last lesson before their final exam.

The following day, I was supposed to go out with my trench mate. A few days before, he has been asking me to go to the UP Fair. I told him I’d think about it since I have early morning classes and I’d hate to come to class late. On the day itself, I totally forgot about it. Upon arriving home, I ate a quick dinner and prepared to get ready to sleep. Then I received a text message from him, asking me where I was. I thought maybe it was a mistake, that the message wasn’t intended for me. Then I remembered I wasn’t able to give him a definite reply and being tired, I told him I was already home and that I was sorry I couldn’t come, that in fact I forgot about it. Turned out he was with our fellow batchmates and one of them called me up to tell me to join them. I was touched but I had to say no. My tired body only wanted to lie down and rest. I told them we’d go out for a group date next month.

On Thursday, I met up with my sisters at a Chinese restaurant somewhere in Quezon City. It’s a restaurant that all three of us love. For us single girls, this is a sisterly date. Just two weeks before we had grand plans like go watch a movie (I told them I wanted to watch Star Wars in 3D but I don’t think they approved), spend some time at a spa, pig out at a resto, etc. Since we were all busy we just settled for resto food instead.

On Friday one of my closest friend and I had a date. All morning and afternoon I worked on revising a major requirement. Late in the afternoon, I went to UP and met up with her for a date. We watched Dulaang UP’s “The Forsaken House” at Wilfredo Ma. Guerrero Theater. The last play I watched was “Amphitryon”, which I also watched with her and which I greatly enjoyed. “The Forsaken House” is okay but the story’s cliché. It’s about a family slowly being destroyed because of the father’s tyrannical attitude. Since it has been a long time since our last date, we excitedly told stories of our recent life. I’m happy to learn that she has finally submitted her thesis draft whereas I am set to present my paper next week as a requirement in one of my classes in graduate school. I wanted us to graduate this year together.

On Saturday my dad arrived home late and asked for me. I thought that maybe he was going to ask me to do something for him again. I was just about to say I’m busy (coz I was working on my presentation) when he burst into the room with DVDs in hand. He bought me the DVDs I requested!!! Finally!!! I’ve been prodding him for Three Kingdoms and The Water Margin for a long time now. I’m happy that he didn’t forget his promise. Now I have another reason to graduate this year, and another motivation to finish my papers in the shortest possible time. I just miss watching TV series and movies, as well as curling up in bed with a good fiction novel.

Today my dad asked me to go with him to the temple. I did, since I enjoy eating misua afterwards. There is romance in eating free food at a hospitable temple; it makes me feel like a ronin on an adventure. While inside the car, we talked about Three Kingdoms. I guess Chinese literature could be something for us father and daughter to bond together since he’s the only one who’s knowledgeable about it at home, and I am also the only one interested in Chinese literature. Upon arriving home, he gave me a short lecture on Chinpingmei, Three Kingdoms, and The Water Margin. This is one thing I like about my father, we engage in discourses on literature and at times, politics.

So who needs romantic love when you’re surrounded by people who allot even a small portion of their time for you despite the crazily hectic schedule?  I still do. But it doesn’t mean that I should sulk and wallow in self-pity for having no love life when Valentine’s Day is around. I have all the love in the world because of the people around me.

Sin Amor

Estos días escucho a la música rock. He descubierto MDO, una banda de Puerto Rico. Su música me recuerda de A1, una banda que me interesó mucho hace poco años. Ahora escucho a las canciones “Sin ti”, “Me huele a soledad”, y “Te quise olvidar”. Se tratan de la tragedia del amor, y eso me gusta mucho aunque en realidad no hay ninguna conexión en mi vida personal porque todavía no he tenido novio.

El día de los amantes va a venir. Ya tengo muchos años pero las Parcas todavía no me han dado ninguna oportunidad para gozar de una vida amorosa. Algunas veces me pregunto si los hombres son tan ciegos, no me miran como una mujer sino como una niña perdida en esta selva de la civilización. Pero tienen ellos razón. Ya he llegado a ser como la luna en su soltera eterna.

He calificado los exámenes de mis estudiantes queridos. Me duele mucho el corazón porque muchos no aprueban. Dentro de mí, sé que el examen no es tan fácil. Pero tengo mucha confianza en mis estudiantes. Como una madre, yo darles animo pero clandestinamente. No quiero que sepan que en verdad, les quiero. Sobre todo, no quiero que sepa que le quiero. (¿Quién es él? Es un secreto. Lo que puedo decir es, cuando miré a su cuaderno una vez, ví allí se escribe “gusto Srta. Melodina” y me dio un vuelco el corazón.)

Y hoy lo he descubierto en Facebook. Me parece que es muy guapo. Pues, es guapo y muy bondadoso a mi parecer. También es muy serio. De hecho, no sé mucho de él. Me recuerdo una vez en la clase, yo llamé a él para recitar y se puso muy nervioso. No sé por qué. Tal vez me mira como si fuera un monstruo, como si fuera Medusa. 

Y hay muchos estudiantes que me dicen que me quieren pero no lo creo. Pienso que solo lo hacen para que sea yo generosa en dar sus notas. Y no necesito palabras vacías. Lo que necesito es la verdad. Lo que necesito es AMOR. (íAy de mi!)

Ahora me enamoro de él. En mi vida muchas veces ya me he enamorado, y muchas veces ya el corazón se ha roto. Muchas veces ya he soñado que un día mi príncipe viene. Muchas veces ya ruego a los cielos que haya amor profundo en mi vida. Muchas veces ya que sólo hay fracasos y desastres. ¿Habrá una oportunidad para compartir aun un porciento de mi vida con alguien especial? 

Me estoy muriendo de amor.

Busy Wednesday

So this week's schedule is super hectic again with many revisions to do. Finally was able to submit the long overdue monitoring sheets. I really do not plan to submit them because first and foremost, it's NOT part of my task. I'm already busy as it is and I certainly do not want extra work which are not supposed to be part of my task scope. But apparently the highly capitalistic institution plans to drain the teachers of their energy. Instead of focusing on upgrading academic materials, they want us to focus on clerical work instead, which for me is just too much.

So last night I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning to try to finish at least the illustrations. I failed ultimately, being overcome by the need to sleep since I have been sleepless since November of last year. And it is bad since I am also under stress a lot. These days it's hard to escape from pressure and stress. It's been a long time since I enjoyed a good movie. It's been a long time since I felt free from the cares of the world. But this is the path I have chosen and I shall do the best I can to finish this whole madness.

Sometimes it makes me think why on earth am I obsessed with the academe. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it to be subject to stress and debilitating work. But the academe provides an environment for critical thinking. It allows for free movement of ideas. While it surely debilitates the body, it does nourish the mind and the soul. I think this is one reason why despite the many arduous tasks I choose to be part of the academe. It's just that there are times when you feel like a machine always working past bedtime, always guilty of overworking. You have to follow rules. You have to make sure that you submit the requirements on time. It's a mechanical cycle supposed to inculcate in the student the discipline required to survive, but which actually renders him/ her an automaton with no need for social life, with no need for laughter, for the pleasures of life. Such is the fast-paced culture that is now associated with the academe.

So I promise myself to end everything as soon as possible. I just hope that those horoscopes are all wrong. They say that this year I will have an extremely hectic schedule, That I will be very busy. I can feel it now. But I won't let it eat me alive. I'd rather put up a good fight. Because a warrior resides in me. Because I am an empowered thinking individual capable of overcoming the challenges of life. Because I am a passionate lover and student of life.

So busy the past weeks. So busy today. Will probably be busy tomorrow and the day after next. But what the hell. A bright future awaits.

I Need to Graduate!!!

It's been close to two years. Only a month to go and I'll know if I'll graduate or not. For the meantime, I am struggling with a paper and lots of extra work in the form of transcriptions and translations which seem like an endless task. Whew! These days I'm super stressed, and I think even my students notice that. These past few days, they were telling me I'm always in a bad mood, that I'm irritable and such. I even receive a text message from one of my students. He/she only introduced himself/herself as a student of mine. Anyway, he/she sent me a text message telling me to eat desserts when I'm stressed because STRESSED is DESSERTS spelled backwards. Really cute. I appreciate that a lot. I admire students who can be sweet to their teachers. Because I certainly am not the sweetest person alive. (Though I am understanding and caring, I'm not the type to be sweet to people with whom I spend only a short period of time.)

Today at SM North EDSA's Northern Sale, I headed to Booksale again. It's been weeks since my last visit and I'm itching to browse the shelves and find treasures. And indeed find treasures I did. I saw a book by Michael Shermer, a skeptic and author of a book I once used as reference for a major paper. Back then I was impressed by his thoughts and his manner of writing, which was targeted at the lay person. The title of the book is "The Science of Good and Evil".

And I realized how much I miss spending time alone by myself with just a book in hand. I miss reading on the bed and falling asleep afterwards with the book's contents replaying in my dream. I realized that all these years I have been hoarding a lot of books and yet I only read only a handful of them. That's because the libraries at UP have the best books and I can't help but read them first before I read my own purchases. Just recently, I saw a new book at the CAL library. "Rereading the Stone" is a whole new interpretation of the Chinese classic Hongloumeng or Dream of the Red Chamber. It probably is the best fiction I have ever read. I was haunted by it for months on end after I read the novel. At present, I think it will haunt me again. I look forward to savoring the book while reminiscing about the most tragic love story that I have ever read. Such is the passion put in and found in the novel that I cannot help but shed tears for its manifestation of powerful emotions. And I am not ashamed to say that I was depressed for weeks because of that book.

Aside from books, there are lots of seemingly excellent movies this year that I want to catch on the big screen. For instance, there's Star Wars in 3D, The Hobbit and many others. And I do miss watching anime without a care in the world. I miss the freedom during the old days when life was more carefree and more relaxing. So I have to graduate. Whatever happens, I must graduate. And write my paper I must.

Here Comes the Month of Love

Here comes the month of love. Here comes again one of the most highly commercialized month. And it is depressing to see stuffed toys, flowers, and chocolates all over the newspapers and on display in malls and stores. Yes, it is a bit depressing because I don't have a decent romantic love life. But yes, love exists in my life in the form of filial love, love for my passions, love for the important people in my life. It's just that I hate the idea of giving flowers and gifts on Valentine's Day. It encourages consumerism. It encourages a materialistic view of love. Being an old-fashioned girl, I'd rather get well written letters or poems.

So anyway, at this moment, I am taking a break from preparing exams. A few numbers and I'm good to go. While doing it, I am listening to songs by Sin Bandera, one of my favorite bands ever for their soulful and mellow music. In particular, I am listening to "Entra en mi vida" over and over again. It is one of the most romantic songs I have ever heard. It's about falling in love with someone one has just met.

I guess this month will see me listening to Sin Bandera more than ever.