2017 Holy Week Musings

Today is Easter. While I normally do not like special days because they are heavily exploited by capitalists, sometimes, special days are needed to remind us of the things that are important to us. It just depends on us if we want to be swallowed by the system or if we are confident enough of our own authenticity to let systems dictate our lives.

Earlier this week, prior to the Holy Week, I went out with two friends on separate occasions. On Tuesday, learning too late that classes were suspended, a friend and I decided to explore Maginhawa for some cheap eats. We both have relationship issues and I know he needed some cheering up. He also cautions me about potential pitfalls in my current relationship and keeps on reminding me to address the issues as early as possible to save unnecessary heartbreak. 

I appreciate the concern. It's not as if we were not talking about those issues. We did, sporadically, in bits and bites, not in a long conversation. It is uncomfortable, awkward... I also want to really know his thoughts but oftentimes I feel myself being blocked and pushed away. The resistance is too great. A question for a question. No definite answers. I learned to mimic him, but perhaps he doesn't even know it. I can be the most transparent person, but if I find myself not getting the honesty and integrity I can offer, I clam up.

Before we parted ways, I felt sad for him. He seemed like a nice guy. But even nice guys have flaws. In around four hours that we talked, I interrogated him, made him see where the gaps were, as if I were Doctor Love. I couldn't even bring the man I love to talk about serious stuffs. Pressure, he would always raise as an excuse. I may have been brutal. He was hurting still, but I still asked questions that I know could trigger memories. That is how you help a friend, you help him or her face uncomfortable situations head on. I don't know if it will work for him, I hope it does. Talking about problems sometimes help lift the gravity of the situation.

The following day, no class again. A friend whom I asked to fetch my jacket for me in Miag-ao is back. I left my jacket, a gift from Island Boy back in 2015, which he gave me on the day we last saw each other. I tried to like him then, if only because he was nice to me, but he really isn't my type. To this day he still sends PM on Facebook which I largely ignore. It's been two years, I have told him to stop, but he is still there, so I just ignore his messages. I never create false hopes for anyone.

So anyway, R at first was reluctant to get my jacket back for me. For weeks we seemed to have grown cold because R was not willing to do me a favor. I was a but hurt because he would be in Miag-ao anyway so why not get my jacket? Maybe there are other reasons but if there were, he could have explained so I would understand. Then again, in the end, he did get my jacket for me. We had to meet up so I could get it back. Yet again, he asked me about A. I said I am trying my best not to think about him much, that I should focus on my own well-being. I am having chest pains again, and if this keeps on, I might die within a year, or less. Stupid girl falling so hard in love with someone who turned out to not able to reciprocate, someone who couldn't be considerate of my feelings when I have always been too gentle and patient with him because I know how broken he is. Yet in the process, I didn't know how I have also been dragged down emotionally. A meeting with a former classmate noticed that my aura has changed, telling me she felt sad to see that the brightness in my eyes that she loved so much, was replaced by sadness. That was two months ago. Her words never left my mind.

I tried to regain my peace of mind. I wanted to show her that maybe that was temporary. I wanted to fight for A, for us. But slowly I found myself looking at the present situation, as if replaying the events of last year. Uncertainties. Mind games. Manipulations. What is it that makes it so hard to leave him???  Maybe we both are just waiting for the other to make the move. I wonder if he truly is happy with me, as he says he is. If so, why does it feel like I an only contributing to his list of problems. He would never acknowledge the things that I do, until recently when I talked to him about it. He would always dismiss moments of intimacy that I tried to create as drama, until recently when I raised the issue. For a time that made me secure in our relationship. He was changing bit by bit. I always appreciate that he knows when I am upset, even since last year. He knowd how to make me laugh, because a silly girl like me is easy to please.

But there are things from last year that remain in my head. Him saying, "I want to make my parents happy" says a lot about how his parents will always come first, even perhaps in matters of marriage and relationships. So imagine how hurt I was when I found out his dad is still currently pursuing the girl they want him to marry, even after meeting me. For me that speaks volumes. They simply do not like me. Because I am not one of them, because I do not share the same religion. And they say the Chinese are too exclusive. So that confirms that this relationship is indeed goung nowhere, although he says he still wants to have the last say on that. Then again, that would be displeasing his parents.

If there is anything consistent, it is inconsistency. Does it ever contribute to a strong foundation in a relationship?

Ruined Plans and Some Reflection

Been busy the past few weeks and it seems like with all the things that are happening, with all the demands made from me in particular, I have been stressing myself out. I have always taken pride in taking things in stride but anxiety for my future is growing and most times I have to silence the voices in my head. A and I planned to spend half of the Holy Week together but his work ruined our travel plans. It cannot be helped. Guy loves his work too much. So we decided on an alternative so we can still spend quality time together.

So after agreeing on the alternative, I have been counting down the days, while reading up on recipes and thinking of tweaking recipes in my head. I have been picking out some books that I would bring, even decided on some movies. He was busy but I trusted that even without him texting me for days, the plan would materialize.

Only to find out last night that he invited his cousins over and so the plans we made were instantly cancelled. He offered to take me out for dinner on Friday instead but I didn't know what to say. Betrayal again. Excuses again. Excuses which make no sense. Everything makes me question his sincerity again. It does not help that lately I have been feeling down following the many undesirable happenings at work and at home. There is this growing feeling to detach, to go out somewhere far all alone to rethink about things.

I have been contemplating about resignation. Not because I am stressed. I still think it is still manageable. But I question how the organization puts incompetent people in leadership roles, people who cannot even comprehend the simplest concepts, people who do not know how to lead people, how to open up opportunities for the company and for its talented people. Office politics certainly play a big role. But if it is stronger and more salient than meritocracy, the company to headed towards doomsday.

So the question is, to still try to turn things around when it's been so difficult because your voice is not heard and listened to, or to leave the boat sinking because I could be wasting time. It is so hard when you find yourself exerting too much effort only for others to disregard them, to be unappreciated, to be regarded as an eccentric who must be isolated simply for being different.

And I realized how my relationship with A and my dilemma in the office are two faces of the same problem. When you can no longer get what you need, you simply move on to wherever can satisfy your needs. That is the rational way of thinking. On the other hand, these challenges may be what will propel you to be your best self, to turn these challenges into opportunities to show and teach others about compassion, oneness, honesty, integrity... Values that should be given much prominence again in this world wounded by strife and conflict and much injustice. I remember giving the same advice my ex supervisor gave me once, about cultivating first, because planting the small seeds is the first difficult step, the first of many steps towards real change.

Every night I still cry. I wonder what the future holds. I am not beautiful, in the ordinary mortal's sense of the word. (But I am cute and attractive. :P) But I know I am beautiful spiritually and intellectually, and it will take an extraordinary person to appreciate that. The masters of today are fake apostles; they preach earthly glory, they aim to seek material wealth. Then again, the sages of yore, their teachings come to me. Detach. Enjoy the present. Silence the mind. Rejuvenate the soul.

Okay, Masters, I will silence my mind. Lotus Bud will grow into a big strong beautiful flower amidst the highly polluted world. Shine your light of wisdom on me, that I may guide others to the same path towards peace and wellbeing.

Beauty and the Beast (2016)

I was never a Disney fan for the simple reason that I find the modified fairy tales to be unappealing. Perhaps it is because I first encountered the fairy tales in the [almost] original version. (There are still a lot of work to be done in determining which is the original but my point is that I read the non-Disney versions first.) As a child I grew up loving the story of the Little Mermaid because of her adventurousness, her courage and compassion which definitely stand out from the other characters that inspired the creation of the Disney princesses. Aside from her, I also like the feisty Jasmine whose frustrations from her situation motivate her to go out and seek knowledge of the outside world. While I like Belle because she's the only booklover in the lot, her story is not as convincingly good given the many Deux-ex-machina-like elements in the story without which Belle is doomed to fail. (An example is having a really smart and very strong horse who can remember the way to the Beast's castle and who can go back and forth without even resting or replenishing itself. Another is the presence of magical items, the magic mirror in particular, that make it convenient for the Beast to act as savior to his soon-to-be lady love.)

Last week, A and I watched Beauty and the Beast, one of the 2016's most awaited films primarily because of two things: 1) Emma Watson plays the role of Belle, 2) it's a live version of the Disney animated movie. I am only interested because of Emma Watson whom everyone loves as the bright and spunky HP heroine Hermione. (But how fast she as grown!!!)

While I know the stories, I must confess that I haven't really found the time to watch the Disney movies so I remain ignorant about the songs (except for the main themes) and other theatrical tidbits. As a child, I loved more to read than to watch anything on TV, unless it's anime. And of course I have read the Disney stories so I know that the movie has done a great job in being faithful to the animated films. And one bonus is that it also explores what happened to Belle's mother which also answers how come a liberal-minded Maurice would end up raising a willful daughter in a sleepy town where girls are not encouraged to pursue education. Kudos also to the production team for making non-living things come out very much alive, in both figurative and literal sense, as they gave a spectacular performance welcoming Belle into the castle while performing "Be Our Guest", easily one of the most anticipated scenes.

Another scene which a lot of people must be looking forward to is Belle and Beast's first dance. I cried the whole time as the main theme plays in the background. "(...) Barely even friends when somebody bends unexpectedly..." got me thinking about the relationship I am in. Beast in all his selfishness and well, beastly looks, enjoyed the love of an intelligent girl who knows the importance of being true to one's heart than minding the opinion of others. I think that is a form of courage that is hardly replicated in real life when people would rather stay in their comfort zones and give up at the slightest difficulty. A strong will, anchored on authenticity, is very rare these days. That's one, and the other is that I loved how they were able to mimic Belle's gown. It's very close to the one in the animated film!!! More tears, this time because of the production team's efforts.

A just laughed when he noticed the tears that silently flowed from my eyes and pulled me close to him. It's not the first time that I cried while watching a movie with him. Last year, I cried [silently] while we watched Snowden  because I could very well relate with Snowden's girlfriend who clearly loved him but who grew anxious and uncertain about the relationship because of her boyfriend's exploits though in the end [at least in the movie] it was revealed that they are still together.

Methinks though that the Beauty and the Beast could have also explored more about the enchantress and maybe put more emphasis on social injustice, that is, the palace seems to regularly hold parties while the people in the towns looked more like peasants. Maybe we can expect a steampunk version next time, like what they did with Van Helsing (2004). You know, insert French Revolution elements into the story without ending up like Les Miserables of course. (But then LM is more about the events that preceeded the FR.) Then agan, I do not know how the film people will work on it without the audience ending up hating the Beast for his extravagance. What the film did was create an explanation for why the Beast became such a narcissistic person. Maybe in another remake they can do a Maleficent kind of thing, shifting perspectives but still staying true to the story outline. Well, almost, anyway.

So there, I am looking forward to watching Aladdin and The Little Mermaid. I wonder if they will feature Uighurs since there are speculations that Aladdin is actually a Chinese Muslim. Sounds very interesting especially today when the Chinese Communist Party is imposing a lot of restrictions on religious practices and expressions on the Muslims in Xinjiang. I hear that TLM will be out soon but then again, I wonder if it will have a sad ending, the first story that made me cry. A also mentioned about possible remake of Mulan and I also look forward to that although I told him there already was a live version made by Chinese producers, the latest of which was in 2009.