CIBO and Ticket to Ride

Yesterday, I didn't report for work. I found it difficult to focus since I still thought of him a lot. I shouldn't but I couldn't help it. Downloading many of Ajahn Brahm's witty and humorous videos should help IF I found the time to listen to his lectures, especially on letting go and regaining peace. But then many things are in my mind these days and he should no longer be competing with these things. (For one, there's paper revision, then there are projects at the office to take care of, and then there are personal things I also need to address especially concerning our transfer to a new  house.)

So yesterday I went back to Makati. It's the third time this month that I took the MRT to go south. I was on a mini break to do errands. Since the places I need t o visit are near my former office place, I contacted my close friends for a quick meetup and maybe even lunch. It was nice to be around such people again. They have these day jobs, but they also live a very productive life outside of work. Most of them are musicians. One is even a recent Palanca awardee. A very close friend K is very good at art. Two I know to be good at sketching and drawing. I never felt like I was different although I was not really the creative type, but then I was a bit of everything, but mostly the nerdy one.

Being able to catch up with A and K2 was something I really hadn't planned carefully. It just so happened that I was visiting at a time when A was on her last day in the company. K was out of town. K2 was aloof as usual. Since A will be leaving the country today, I joined her in her last-minute shopping. Crazy girl as always. But she has guts and I like her for that. After my errands, I asked K2 is he was willing to accompany me for late lunch at Cibo since the resto was having a promo (today's the last day) that I wouldn't  want to pass up. Thankfully he said yes. I actually just wanted to have a long talk with him since he was one of the very few people who was with me when things went downhill last year. And he himself has issues of his own. So it really wasn't a surprise that we would have a  very long conversation given that we rarely chat and meet. I was a bit happy when he told me compared to last year I looked more relaxed. I told him I'm regaining my Buddhistic attitude in life, to detach and let go, and shared to him the outlook hoping he finds it beneficial, too.

pesto pasta. YUM! (and also because it's one of the cheapest in the menu... I am on a tight budget!!!)

K2's cake. yum yum

Then off to school only to find that our prof was not in. My HS friends and I agreed to run around UP since we all are complaining about our figures. (My arms are flabbier than ever that I feel like I have a  pair of batwings. Boo.) As alternative, I proposed that we go shoot some arrows instead since it's been 10 years since I last held a bow. And this archer definitely can profit from the activity to release all the pent up anger. But they arrived late. I eve finished doing three out of sixteen units of homework.

So we ended up at a games restaurant where we played Ticket to Ride Europe version plus several rounds of Exploding Kittens. I felt like a master after winning. I am already in love with the game. So now, I have this and Resistance as my favorite. Hoping to play more games.

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My dear college friend R and her friends (who are also my friends now, by extension) introduced me to the wonderful board game Ticket to Ride. The goal is to be able to complete the routes that you picked taking into consideration limited resources (train coach pieces) as well as the possibility that other players may need to place their train coaches on the same lines. It's a pretty cool strategy game but sad to say, I sucked when we played the US version. I guess I must be bringing my anti-US stance to the game. LOL. So when we shifted to Europe version, that's when I was able to shine. Or maybe it was sheer luck.

Today I went to the archery range to let go of arrows. I am in bad shape but I know I can improve. Also planned to fire some bullets but the shop was already closed. I will have to visit Cubao for that. Boo. :(

#RoadtoMovingOn (because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anyway, so what's the use of holding on?)

"Ended" Story

For quite a while, whenever we have a petty fight, Yuna Ito's "Endless Story" automatically plays in my mind. Like, whenever I would think that maybe finally he changed his mind about being with me, then it would be the end of our story. He has salvaged our relationship many times and I could feel that in the way he would find time to be with me especially when I worry too much. Because once I move on, there is really no turning back. I have done this countless times to people who took me for granted and it shocked them that sweet Melo can be capable of such coldness. It is not coldness, it is respecting yourself enough to walk away from people  who do not and cannot reciprocate the good that I share with them. In this world of more than seven billion people, I believe that when you find one good person, you must treasure him/her.

"If you haven't changed your mind, I want you to be by my side tonight. I'm tired of trying to be strong and I am too immature. Every time I think about you baby. Now I am saying this: "I miss you". It's so hard to say that I'm sorry. I want to sing this song only to you and not to just anyone. It's an endless story which will continue to shine always. I want to tell you, forever.

"Memories of our time together, don't erase them, don't go away. Just let them melt away. I will be sure these tender drops spread to all parts of my heart. I miss you so much to the point of hurting. Don't let go of our overlapping hands. If one of wishes can be granted, I wish to be able to sing this song for you, an endless story filled with endless love. Tell me why, tell me, always forever."

Two days prior to sending the le-go email, I watched 5 Centimeter Per Second, an animated Japanese movie that got me crying until the following day while at work. Something in the movie tugged at my heartstrings, like how Tohno did not keep in touch so he had to bear all the pain of not being with Akari, how their childhood memories continue to haunt and torment him even after so many years have passed.

"I always end up looking for your smile, to appear somewhere

At the railroad crossing, waiting for the express to pass

Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place

If our lives could be repeated, I would be at your side every time

I would want nothing else

Besides you, nothing else matters" 

(trans. probably by the one who posted the video on YT)

But I really should stop hoping for things to be better. As he said, I was the one letting go. Now I am experiencing my first difficult heartbreak and I do not know how to handle it, do not know if I am handling it well. As when I was in Taiwan in the midst of our getting to know each other, I was stupidly hoping we'd somehow bump into each other then. Even though I know it is next to impossible because he cannot travel abroad. When Yamazaki's song played at the end of the movie, my heart was ripped to shreds. I wonder if he thought of me in the same way Tohno always thought of Akari? I wonder if he also misses me to the point that he also searches for me even in places where he knows I will not be in.

Time to grow up and face the cold reality.

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Crying while typing and listening to "One More Time, One More Chance". But I guess once words are exchanged, one can never bring them back. I bet he'll just laugh if ever he chances upon this post. Silly girl. All the drama. All the things he hated in me. I wonder if there will come a time when I won't be hoping for another "One More Time, One More Chance", when I finally move on like Akari. I guess it's pointless to ask these questions when he himself has repeatedly told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Let time flow and let hearts be healed in their time.

New Everything

By the time August ends, everything will be new.

We are finally moving in to a new house which is even further away from my favorite places in Metro Manila. I feel sad not having taken full advantage of having the LRT and MRT within reach; I could have spent more time at CCP and the National Museum. Guess I will have to rely on holidays to visit these places. Moving to our new place means that I might be quitting many of my activities. Maybe it's time.

I finally broke it off with him following months of compromise while feeling unwanted. Him pushing me away while denying it was difficult. Some boys are too immature to own up and quit when they're no longer happy. They do everything they can to make the girl quit because THEY DON'T WANT THE BLAME TO BE ON THEM. Classic jerks. Him showing me disrespect by ALWAYS taking about other girls whom he sees frequently while denying he's dating them was the last straw. Once a flirt, always a flirt. I should have listened to our former classmates who at the onset had been warning me about him. They found a flirt and a user in him. Me being so naive and being someone who sees more of the positive in a person, threw caution to the winds. I only ended up hit by a violent hurricane.

First there were changes in priorities. Then came the breakdown in communication. Then there were the deliberate attempts to either make me jealous or make me see that I am just an option. That was the last straw. You can never trust a person who constantly lies to get what he wants. What my classmates say that he is only using me echoes in my head as I was typing my let-go email that starting that night of 23rd. I ended up sending him on the 24th, which, later on I realized, was my dreaded number. But maybe 24 isn't so bad after all, when you finally are seeing the light in this mad, dark relationship full of lies, deceit, manipulations. The naive me wanted to believe and trust still, but I know this will only be detrimental to my own health and sanity. They say, when a relationship forces you to grow, it is good. He pushed me to try new things, and for that I thank him.

We jived so well at the start. Everything was going well. Then came the ugly truths, then he showed his true self. Pretensions disgust me as much as infidelity does. Both are two sides of the same coin. How can you trust someone who turns out to be just a pretentious insecure chauvinist/narcissist who can't go beyond himself and who is so full of hatred and misery he only pushes those who care for him away? And I go back to our first dates when he said what he liked about me is me being not pretentious. What you see is what you get. Unlike him, I do not have the need to pretend because I am very much secure of myself, and I have very strong values and life principles. He, on the other hand, has his beliefs anchored in what is convenient and what can produce the greatest benefit for him. Realist him vs. idealist me. So it makes sense that the last few months there were so many fights with him attacking my idealism to the point of calling me self-righteous. As it turns out, my authenticity has become overwhelming.

Everything was sudden. It was not part of the plan. We even watched Patay na Si Hesus together. But I guess something in the movie triggered something in me. I was reminded that there was nothing I could hold on to because he couldn't commit anyway. I suddenly remembered that we're not really boyfriend/girlfriend even though he does something sweet for me sometimes. But later on he would tell me that he'd do the same for his other female friends. FLIRT. So I realized I wan't so special to him after all. Then I came to piece things together and concluded that what they tell me about him is true. And he never bothered to pursue me. I fell into his trap of being the one to give up, a trap that I would also willingly fall into. NOW I CAN MORE CONFIDENTLY SAY THAT WHEN A GIRL GIVES UP ON A BOY, IT IS BECAUSE THE BOY IS A JERK who cannot properly love a girl. And what he says about me being family is something I question because YOU DON'T DISRESPECT FAMILY. YOU TREAT THEM RIGHT. YOU PRIORITIZE THEM.

So after work on Friday I visited a beauty parlor and had my hair cut after eight months. Everytime something happens in my life when I feel the need to change, I have a haircut. It is also timely since I have been seeing a lot of split ends. That, and the need to save on shampoo. Long hair is costly to maintain. And, I will definitely enjoy again that light feeling when the wind blows through my hair.

And maybe, just maybe, I will be transferring to a new job. I have recently found that that my dream job exists!!! Okay, not the ultimate dream job, but definitely one of my dream jobs. I don't know how I will be able to deliver though because it would entail sacrificing my extracurricular activities. But then, who knows? I can just throw my life to the winds again. Who knows where it leads me to?

And I always have God. The Muslims have a favorite phrase, "Inshaallah". It means "God willing", an equivalent of my prayer "God's will be done". Because whatever happens, I will trust in God alone. I will trust his wisdom because he is a just, merciful, compassionate God. (Except my outlook in life is still very Buddhistic.) Come what may, I know that whatever is happening right now is bound to positively affect my immediate future.

I have let go, after countless time of listening to Ajahn Brahm while spending countless nights in tears. That day I composed my let-go email, I was listening to his lecture on letting go. So I am finally letting go. I am finally accepting that things should end, should be destroyed for a rebirth, for a new beginning. And I can't wait for more of life's surprises.

So, dearest me, always put yourself first. Never forget to love yourself first. Because out of proper self-love (not the narcissistic kind), shall compassion and kindness flow out from your heart and onto others. Aristotle was right.