To you who break my heart,
This is the first of the many letters that I planned to write. My writing somehow proved inutile when it didn't do anything to heal my heart, this heart that you broke numerous times, this heart that you played with and continued to toy with. And it was stupid of me to still hang on to you, because I believed, despite everything, that you loved me, too. But slowly as things begin to unfold, I am beginning to realize that I have been a fool and that being a fool for you can never be worth it.
I remember the feeling of happiness that swept through me in March and April. Two months of happiness, of love and trust. Two months of hearty laughter, of full trust and devotion and suddenly everything was lost. After that came almost eight months of pain, eight freaking months of emotional torture. They were right to describe love as a hurricane; it arrives at your doorstep and leaves behind much destruction.
Until this day, I cannot believe what a fool I was for letting you do what you did to me. I could have easily walked out of the door and many times I attempted, you would say things that would make me change my mind. I never liked guys, I never wanted to trust them. To me they are all cheaters, chauvinist, self-centered beings who are, in a nutshell, just like hurricanes, powerful and destructive. But whatever made me hang on, whatever made me decide to stay even though you attempted to break up and I think you did, implicitly, but still continue to see me from time to time, whatever that is that caused me so much pain 2/3 of this year, I do not know. Call it foolishness, call it audacity. Call it naivete, call it innocence. Laugh all you want, for bringing down this girl's defenses and finally making her cry not just once, but almost every single day that passes after that unforgettable day in May when, walking to the jeepney stop after a late-night dinner you told me something in your past that got me crying for two straight days. That was the start. Some days I would feel like I have finally moved on, but most days I felt this anger at you, anger at myself.
Do you remember those first few dates? Biking, reading together, jogging, eating, watching movies, or simply hanging out talking about politics, life, dreams, the future. I was slowly falling in love with you without knowing it. I admired your sense of discipline, I admired how tough you were when you faced the challenges that came your way. I came to like the way you talk, the way your eyes would sparkle when you felt proud of yourself, the animated manner in which you would narrate stories of your training... I adored every bit about you. I did not know you were not in love although you acted as if you were when you put your arms around me in a protective manner and when you held my hands in the jeep or bus. Or maybe you were, but all were gone too soon when you started pushing me away, when you started criticizing every little thing I do or say or dream about. One day I ignored you with a heavy heart, because in my mind, if you did not want me in your life, then I would be the one to create that much-needed distance. But you chased after me, consoled me, made me feel loved again. Then the cycle, that ugly vicious cycle.
So when you expressed your wish to break up with me, I already knew about it. Prior to that, I have been crying because I could already see where everything was headed to. You can create all sorts of excuses, you are free to do so, but do not make it seem like we were victims of circumstances. You said so yourself at the start, that you did not want to hurt me, that you did not create all these situations if it would only hurt me. Nice thoughtful words but actions speak louder and shortly after, tears have flowed incessantly.
But even then, I allowed myself to fall harder for you. I still looked forward to attending class hoping that you would be waiting for me after because that was what you did on the first day. I thought we had broken up. And many times after that, you would ask me to go out with you, leaving me utterly confused and yet I still chose to trust you. Simply because when we were still exclusive you would always tell me that you trust me. But this is one of my many mistakes. You are not me. Yet the rare times I would see you sitting on the waiting lounge reading while you wait for me, you wearing your eyeglasses and with shaven head, my heart would always skip a beat and something inside hurt, so much I wanted to cry but whenever I was with you I was filled with such happiness it took me long to realize that that was just temporary.
But even then, I allowed myself to fall harder for you. I still looked forward to attending class hoping that you would be waiting for me after because that was what you did on the first day. I thought we had broken up. And many times after that, you would ask me to go out with you, leaving me utterly confused and yet I still chose to trust you. Simply because when we were still exclusive you would always tell me that you trust me. But this is one of my many mistakes. You are not me. Yet the rare times I would see you sitting on the waiting lounge reading while you wait for me, you wearing your eyeglasses and with shaven head, my heart would always skip a beat and something inside hurt, so much I wanted to cry but whenever I was with you I was filled with such happiness it took me long to realize that that was just temporary.
I have been making excuses for you, like "Oh, he's just busy", or "He's just frustrated with his life" or "He's just pressured". But those times when you do not make your presence felt and I learned you were "busy" with other people, with your office mates even, whom you see everyday and yet they still occupy your weekends when I thought you were busy with duties and homework, those times you made me feel insignificant. You made me feel as if I didn't matter. You made me feel unwelcome in your life. Again, I felt like a fool for defending you when in fact you were out there in the company of others. I would never demand that you spend all of your free time with me. I realized I really do not know you after all.
Too many skeletons inside your closet. Too many layers that need to be unmasked. Are you so broken that you need all those walls? I really am jealous of your exes even though I know I should not be (because hello, I am the Moon Goddess incarnate @.@ but then I traded my divinity for human love. What a fool...). When you tell me about them, what you did for them, what your family did for them, I often wonder if you would do the same for me or if you were so hurt you are now being overly cautious because you think I am like them. (Like, ewww it's so insulting! Never ever compare me to loose women who go around drinking and crashing in a stranger's bedroom, etc.) So they got the best of you, I unfortunately got the worst of you. Maybe I was also at fault. When I knew that, I should have stopped seeing you because it's clear you prefer those kind, not simple old-fashioned me. (I am not being morally condescending. To each his own. My point is, I may not be really what you prefer in a girl given the kind of woman you planned to marry.) And so again, super stupid. Is there no end to my foolishness?
Only I promised you something. And I am the type of person who stays true to her promise no matter what, no matter how difficult. (And that's why I seldom make promises, I prefer to just do things for people lest I end up disappointing them. Apparently, it's very very rare to find another person who can hold his principles to death.) So think things through. You always say you are pressured, even though there were already far too many compromises from my part, and too many concessions for you, even though I made sure I create a safe place for you by my side... or maybe they're still not enough? When I have been exerting efforts trying to rebuild what we have, you kept on instilling fear and doubts in me. Mind games. I often forget that you are an expert tactician (even though it's funny you fail to recognize who can do you good and who can do you harm). I still do not know where I stand in your life even though you drop hints here and there, it's not enough. I need explicit answers. I hate ambiguities. I don't need half-baked relationships. I certainly do not need to know your intentions because those are just intentions, without actual results. (Funny how you said before that you only had good intentions towards me... I wonder if that still holds true when you refuse to meet my family and I feel guilty because I cannot talk about you at home. My mom would not hear me out, all she says is, "let him visit here", and I am torn. I know they think badly of me and I do not want that. I understand where they are coming from. You are not a girl, so you wouldn't understand what I am going through. But think of your sister, or your close female cousin. When they go out with someone, wouldn't you feel the need to know whom they go out with? Again, my fault for still entertaining you despite this setup that feels like betraying my own family, the people whom I grew up with.)
So I guess this time it's you who should make the effort. I have adjusted far too much. Funny how this stupid girl, despite her foolishness, can be full of courage as to enter the den of lions again and again and again, each time leaving a part of her heart behind that I am afraid there will come a time when her heart will be so consumed that she will walk on this world without life, without hope, without faith, without love.
I wish I were selfish sometimes. It will do me a lot of good. People have always been taking advantage of the goodness of this world. Yet I remember those rare lights that should endure burning. :(
I should start writing the draft of my novel soon. If heavens' will be done, in two years' time I will transition to a new life. Whether you will be part of that or not remains to be seen. Your call now if you want me in your life when you keep on pushing me away because you do not even know what you want. In the meantime, I will do all I can to be a better person while I wait for that someone who can handle me, who can respect and love and care for me, who can be true and faithful to me, who can accept me for who I am, who will never belittle my dreams, who will never doubt my capabilities, who will never compare me to others (because frankly, it's insulting).
So there... more rants to come because I am close to the point of exploding. What my parents see in me is true, I have far more courage than most people, even compared to men. But as if cursed, that courage also brings pain and suffering.
Hmph.
Too many skeletons inside your closet. Too many layers that need to be unmasked. Are you so broken that you need all those walls? I really am jealous of your exes even though I know I should not be (because hello, I am the Moon Goddess incarnate @.@ but then I traded my divinity for human love. What a fool...). When you tell me about them, what you did for them, what your family did for them, I often wonder if you would do the same for me or if you were so hurt you are now being overly cautious because you think I am like them. (Like, ewww it's so insulting! Never ever compare me to loose women who go around drinking and crashing in a stranger's bedroom, etc.) So they got the best of you, I unfortunately got the worst of you. Maybe I was also at fault. When I knew that, I should have stopped seeing you because it's clear you prefer those kind, not simple old-fashioned me. (I am not being morally condescending. To each his own. My point is, I may not be really what you prefer in a girl given the kind of woman you planned to marry.) And so again, super stupid. Is there no end to my foolishness?
Only I promised you something. And I am the type of person who stays true to her promise no matter what, no matter how difficult. (And that's why I seldom make promises, I prefer to just do things for people lest I end up disappointing them. Apparently, it's very very rare to find another person who can hold his principles to death.) So think things through. You always say you are pressured, even though there were already far too many compromises from my part, and too many concessions for you, even though I made sure I create a safe place for you by my side... or maybe they're still not enough? When I have been exerting efforts trying to rebuild what we have, you kept on instilling fear and doubts in me. Mind games. I often forget that you are an expert tactician (even though it's funny you fail to recognize who can do you good and who can do you harm). I still do not know where I stand in your life even though you drop hints here and there, it's not enough. I need explicit answers. I hate ambiguities. I don't need half-baked relationships. I certainly do not need to know your intentions because those are just intentions, without actual results. (Funny how you said before that you only had good intentions towards me... I wonder if that still holds true when you refuse to meet my family and I feel guilty because I cannot talk about you at home. My mom would not hear me out, all she says is, "let him visit here", and I am torn. I know they think badly of me and I do not want that. I understand where they are coming from. You are not a girl, so you wouldn't understand what I am going through. But think of your sister, or your close female cousin. When they go out with someone, wouldn't you feel the need to know whom they go out with? Again, my fault for still entertaining you despite this setup that feels like betraying my own family, the people whom I grew up with.)
So I guess this time it's you who should make the effort. I have adjusted far too much. Funny how this stupid girl, despite her foolishness, can be full of courage as to enter the den of lions again and again and again, each time leaving a part of her heart behind that I am afraid there will come a time when her heart will be so consumed that she will walk on this world without life, without hope, without faith, without love.
I wish I were selfish sometimes. It will do me a lot of good. People have always been taking advantage of the goodness of this world. Yet I remember those rare lights that should endure burning. :(
I should start writing the draft of my novel soon. If heavens' will be done, in two years' time I will transition to a new life. Whether you will be part of that or not remains to be seen. Your call now if you want me in your life when you keep on pushing me away because you do not even know what you want. In the meantime, I will do all I can to be a better person while I wait for that someone who can handle me, who can respect and love and care for me, who can be true and faithful to me, who can accept me for who I am, who will never belittle my dreams, who will never doubt my capabilities, who will never compare me to others (because frankly, it's insulting).
So there... more rants to come because I am close to the point of exploding. What my parents see in me is true, I have far more courage than most people, even compared to men. But as if cursed, that courage also brings pain and suffering.
Hmph.
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