Tonight maybe we'll see stars in the rain...
It rained last night. And the tears fell. When hectic days are about to end following more than a month of cleaning and packing and unpacking and reorganizing, loneliness creeps in. I realize that I never stopped thinking of him. I got used to him calling me almost every night and I have formed the habit of checking my phone every now and then, but since late last month, I have been ding my best to get busy. I consider myself lucky because friends were there for me. Friends whom I thought wouldn't care, would chat me every now and then to check up on me. I think they're doing it to get me distracted, to help me get over this painful heartbreak. It took a whole lot of me to push through with it, because everytime we are together, my heart overflows with love and affection but I always end up getting pushed away. He pushed me away far too many times, and each time he did, I was also distancing myself twice as more until I finally understood and just accepted that he doesn't want me in his life. It sucks, to have thought that maybe he was different but he's just like any other player out there. The games and all, me asking why he hates me so much, why he came to me int my life only to ruin my peace? Why all the mind games, why all the cycles of push and pull, all the drama that he created and doesn't want to be responsible for.
We're going in circles again...
Last night while doing some research for two major reports, I happened to fall asleep, my phone back to silent mode since I no longer expect anyone to call me. I don't want to keep expecting him to call me, I don't want to see myself disappointed again. I woke up in a groggy state but with just enough energy to shut down my machine and go to sleep properly. And then I checked my phone.
Rainbow or stars? How could I ever be afraid?
I had one missed call last night. The log registered his name. And the tears came.
A flood of memories came crashing all over me. The first time he held my hand, the first time he laid my head on his shoulders in the bus, the first time we traveled together, the first time he kissed me, so suddenly that I was surprised and he thought I evaded it... The first time he introduced me to his brothers and friends, the first (and last) time we jogged and biked together, the first time I stepped in his second homeland, the first time he cooked for me, the first time we cooked together... Painfully sweet memories.
And equally painfully bitter memories of the first time he shrugged my hand off, the first time he betrayed me followed by many more betrayals, the first time he walked away from me, the first time I discovered I wasn't special to him at all because he would also cook for other women, the first time I realized he was an expert in manipulating people but I was too blinded by love, the first time I realized he was draining the life out of me... And trust, one of the big foundations, eroded. And acceptance, another important foundation, became an issue. To what extend can you accept a person's flaws? Because some flaws are pardonable in love, and certainly some are not.
Beyond the bright lights, when it's all over, I see.
I fought the urge to ring his phone, like what I used to do whenever I missed his calls. He would reprimand me to always have my phone by my side because what if there is an emergency call I need to take? But my sleepiness got the better of me. I remember the many times I asked for favors only to fall on deaf ears. Empty words of wanting to be with me, but I realized, it was only because I was fun to be with. (My male friends used to tell me they liked being with me, but ours were more like brothers and sister.) I felt offended whenever he would tell me he doesn't want any drama, that he wants us to be happy always. Yet he was also the one who destroyed that "happiness". I gave up trying to comprehend his definition of happiness, because for me it apparently means only his happiness, mine is out of the equation. I couldn't be myself, I was losing myself, slowly in a way that is heart-breaking. If I had to mask my real self, then he clearly does not want me, but the version of me that he idealized in his mind.
Tonight maybe I'll see the stars in the rain.
Rain fell again this afternoon. Hours later, I discovered this song while looking around for songs in Youtube. Tears fell again. Everything is sinking in. This is the difficult part, when you have to fight with every ounce of strength you have, fight off these feelings, fight off the reasons that made you love him so much because even though there were so many of them, they're all just part of the past. The present is more important.
And looking back we never exchanged vows. I did, but he never did. I vowed never to hurt him, vowed to always wait for him. I have not yet sworn to the moon so I can certainly take back my vows with the realization that love is never enough. In the end, I had to accept that what we had was only an imaginary relationship. I thought it was real, it wasn't for him. It took me more than a year to understand that simple yet important principle.
So I am walking away on my own. No need for him to push me away.
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It still is a miracle to find myself at the top of my game at work and in school even under these circumstances. I have slowed down a bit, but I can definitely and proudly say that UP has instilled in me a strong sense of honor and excellence, strong foundations that will not easily be broken. But then, I feel that I have lost my spirit.
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