四月天/ Spring Music

The lockdown in Metro Manila was initially set to end on April 14 and as soon as April came, Youtube has been very smart in recommending videos. I chanced upon three very nice and heart-warming songs about springtime and would like to share these songs as I have been listening to them on loop and I see no possibility of stopping any time soon. When the lockdown was extended, these songs have given me a reason to still smile and see the beauty of the world. 

Many know that I very rarely explore Western music nowadays. I am not up-to-date with all the fad these days because most songs, even local ones, talk about sex and drugs and whatnot. I miss the days when songs are gentle and romantic. Of course I am also into dark emotions, being a big fan of Linkin Park and Simple Plan, but then most times the soul craves really good music.

Last year, I discovered a lot of musical talents in China. I tune to to singing contests to look out for awesome singers. These singers do not just sing, they reinterpret songs and they really own the music. One of my first idols was 陈冰 whose vocal stamina really blew me away. Eventually I would be lapping up music by Tibetan artists and just fall deeply in love with their vocal range, the harmony emerging from combinations of different textures, the melismatic singing style that can put one in a trance, and discovering popular artists along the way.

One very beautiful song that intrigued me was a song by Dolphin Princess Jane Zhang (张靓颖).  The video I saw was 11-minute long from the music show 经典咏流传. After her performance, there was a short Q&A about the song and its connection to Zhang's personal life, especially her city Chengdu. Apparently, some parts of the song are actually derived from one of the most popular Tang poets 杜甫 (Du Fu) who was a contemporary of the more well known 李白 (Li Bai). The latter cannot be unknown to any Chinese who's had Chinese education as we are made to memorize his most famous poem 静夜思 (Thoughts on a Silent Night). I still know the verses up to now. I honestly knew about Du Fu only around my college days when I frequented a literature forum and there was a Canadian college student there whom I took a liking to because at such a young age he was very knowledgeable about literature and is also very much into Chinese literature, citing Du Fu more often than not. 

So anyway, I found the song super beautiful that I searched for the full episode and was super awed by how China reinvents itself from old traditions. Classical poems from different dynasties are transformed into songs and reinterpreted by professional singers. Since the song talks about the gentle spring rain and how it moistens all things silently at night. As explained by Zhang, she wanted the song to reflect the gentleness of old traditions in Chengdu, for it to have the flavor of the place, for it to be like the spring rain in Chengdu wherein the precipitation is very fine that instead of wanting to hold up an umbrella, you would instead feel comfortable. In fact, one poetry master commented that Du Fu lived most peacefully in Chengdu and has grasped the very unique characteristic of Chengdu's spring rain. Now I want to go to Chengdu badly. A Chinese scholar I met in Spain would always tell me that the hotpot in Chengdu is the best. Another bonus is that Chengdu is in Sichuan province so I would definitely unleash my foodie mode there. OMG I hope somebody sends me to China once all this Covid-19 thing is over.

And while listening to 春夜喜雨 nonstop one night, I finally also searched for 李春宇 (Chris Lee) whose name appears in some articles I read because of her winning the Super Girl contest despite his androgynous look. While I have been hooked for weeks now, it's just a few days ago that I realize that she may just be the live version of Sailor Uranus, and both are also into music. CUTE! <3

I don't like all of Chris Lee's songs so I am glad that Youtube first showed me 春风十里 which is about a person pining for someone. I imagine Q singing this to me because of the last line that says, "I say that there is not one wine that compares to you", because a few days prior we were chatting and we both said we miss each other. He suggested that we drink after lockdown and I said sure as long as he does the mixing coz he's really good at it and when I am with him, I feel safe. [Except it's been two weeks since we last had a really nice chat and our last chat was brief and not so good because he was angry at someone. Or I don't know, maybe he just stopped caring about me. But it's all good if that's what he wants. But as always, I am waiting in vain for guys to just tell me outright. But whatever.]

I was surprised that Chris was also featured in 经典咏流传 and she sang 你是人间的四月天 (You are Humanity's April Spring) which is adapted from a contemporary poem written by a mother for her son. The first time I heard this song, I felt like it is addressed to the our frontliners, to all the heroes doing all the work to prevent further transmission of Covid-19. Just so timely that Covid-19 will peak in April and so frontliners work extra hard. The song is full of beautiful imagery portraying spring and likens the object of affection to this beauty. It ends with 你是爱， 是暖， 是希望，你是人间的四月天 (You are love, warmth, and hope; You are mankind's April spring). I shared this song to Q thanking him for also being like an April spring to me. [And as I have already mentioned, right now we no longer chat. Maybe he got pissed when I subtly hinted at wanting to do a video call together the last time we chatted and he was in a foul mood. But whatever. I miss him. And again, whatever.]

御前侍卫 [Imperial Bodyguard] (2011)

Mainland China has produced a number of TV series on the Qing Dynasty, with Emperor Qianlong  (乾隆皇帝) as the favorite regime. The most memorable series is not from Mainland but from Taiwan, with its massively popular (还珠格格) which my family would watch every night. Or at least in my memory I would watch with my parents. In graduate school, I found out that it was such a big hit in Southeast Asia. In fact, in one Mainland drama series 翻译官(Les Interprètes), 还珠格格 was used for interpretation practice. At the onset of the lockdown, I came to know that one of my sisters has actually been watching 延禧攻略 (The Story of Yanxi Palace) which I do not watch. She first followed the dubbed version on ABS-CBN, and since the lockdown, have turned to online streaming to continue watching the series. After a quick Google search on 延禧攻略 and discovering it's set during Qianlong's rule, I pointed out to her that she might want revisit 还珠格格 as both figure the same emperor. I also gave her a brief history lecture on the 清 (Qing Dynasty). These days she alternates between the two, which gives a good balance as one is dark and serious, while the other is a light comedy.

The movie is set in the days of Emperor Qianlong when anti-Qing sentiments ran high, especially because of corrupt officials. Qianlong roams outside the palace to investigate the embezzlement of funds by an appointee magistrate named 李满仓 (Li Mancang). The funds are supposed to fix the river bank and to provide for the people as disaster relief. In those days, the popular slogan amongst the people is 反清复明 (Counter the Qing, Revive the Ming). The Ming Dynasty was the predecessor of the Qing and to cut a long story short, the Han people were not happy with barbarian rule. Anyone with basic knowledge of Chinese philosophy knows how strong sino-centrism is and how non-Chinese, or to be more specific non-Han, are thought of as barbarians. So anyway, there were also Japanese pirates already in Chinese society back then who seek to sow discord in order to allow Japanese forces to take control of China. These 倭寇 (wako pirates, literally "dwarf pirates") connive with local officials, and at least in the movie, with Li Mancang.

Now our main character 薛树英 (Xue Shuying) has many friends who are good at fighting. One of these is the cheerful thief 卓飞  (Zhuo Fei), also a ninja who spies on the Japanese and reports to our hero. An old brother, the 江香主 is anti-Qing and heads the 天地会 (Heaven Earth Association) which seeks to drive away the Manchus. All he wants  is to kill the emperor so he can go back to live with his wife and daughter peacefully. Jiang is ready to fight his friend for this mission but changes his mind eventually when Xue tells him the people will suffer more and chaos will ensue if the emperor is killed. That, plus when the Japanese killed his wife. Another is an old time friend 萧易明 (Xiao Yiming) whose wife died when he accidentally shoved her rather too hard while sparring with our hero. He blames his wife's death on Xue but in the end arrives in time to fight the Japanese big boss. There is also another swordsman whose entire family was killed by an imperial edict for writing a poem, thus all he wants is to avenge his family and kill the emperor. Eventually he becomes an ally when he learns that the imperial edict was actually forged and the emperor has already taken care of those involved in the forgery.

 The movie has many good action scenes but unfortunately, the story is too cliché, with the emperor running for his life and when almost cornered, heroes will turn up and sacrifice their lives to allow the emperor to flee. There is one burning question the whole time I was watching this film and that is, WHY ON EARTH DOES A PRINCESS WHO CANNOT FIGHT JOURNEY WITH HER FATHER??? A fat but loyal eunuch is also almost always a must in these types of movies so that's pardonable. But even when left to their own devices, it is the emperor who fights against ninja assassins. All throughout the movie, the princess' role is just to worry about Xue that those who watch this film understand why 春子 (Chunzi, the doctors's daughter) smiles rather too sweetly at the general who led the reinforcement at the end. It might be implied that the princess and Xue have something going on between them although at the start, it would seem that it will be Xue and Chunzi. To think Chunzi's father died for the emperor by pretending to be him so that the assassins will chase him instead of the real emperor. Also, I am curious as to what happened to the Lady Boss owner of  the restaurant. She is revealed to be such an awesome fighter who single-handedly dealt with the assassins while the royal company escape her restaurant, but her demise is implied. Chunzi herself is a courageous woman who offers to go out and bring the emperor's seal to the general for reinforcement, but which came late so the heroes mentioned earlier have mostly been killed already except for the cheerful thief whom I thought would be killed eventually as is common but who turns out to have survived and is bestowed the title of marquis afterwards. Awesome! I just love Robin Hood types because they are a rarity in this world full of sick people who are rude to the poor and the powerless yet treat those with money and influence very well. So disgusting.

Another salient characteristic of this movie which is also very common in Chinese films is its strong anti-Japanese sentiments. The Japanese are portrayed as brutal and bloodthirsty; they really need to slash Chinese people multiple times even though it is clear that the person is dead. They do not think twice about killing innocent people for their goals to destroy a country. And they are made to be foils to the Chinese (i.e. Xue) who fights for morality and justice. Japanese animé always emphasize that being good in the art of fighting is useless if it is employed for random violence. But in Chinese movies, this included, they are made to look evil, mayhaps as an extra effort to counter Japan's soft power. I wonder though why Japanese actors agree to be part of these kinds of movies, but I also am glad that they become part of Chinese film industry especially in atonement and acknowledgement of the Japanese nation's war crimes during World War 2. I hope the US and other Westerners produce films that speak truthfully of how they subjugated other peoples and created hell in this world.

第三只眼 [The Third Eye/ Peeping] (2019)

This Covid-19 lockdown is my chance to somehow escape from the outside world and watch some movies for leisure. The past few years have seen me consuming non-Western cultural products and I am not stopping anytime soon, although from time to time I will watch western-produced films if they intrigue me, like for instance Black Panther and Little Women are on my list. In fact I started to watch a few minutes of Black Panther last night.

Sometimes I let youtube do the picking for me. The past few weeks I have been looking up classical Chinese poetry and I was shocked when 第三只眼 was recommended for me. I was thinking maybe it was some kind of porn but then seeing that it was made in Mainland China, I knew then that porn fans will be very much disappointed. China has a super strict censorship system that filters out media with gore and violence, sex, and horror stuff (ghosts). The latter I do not understand since Chinese folklore and even mythology has many supernatural creatures which of course figure prominently also in its cultural products. For instance, there is the the White Snake who is actually a snake demon but who has been reinterpreted many times to be a benevolent spirit.

Curious, I watched it. Nice opening. The scenes are shot like in those slow Japanese films which capture everyday objects up close, that you get to see certain aesthetics that will otherwise go unnoticed if the focus is more on human actions. A young woman is about to eat bottled fruit preserves when suddenly her water breaks and she gives birth on her own inside her house while even managing to close the door using her foot. It is not shown how she managed but then fast forward to her now six year old son to whom she now gives the bottled fruit preserves. This son is the main character/ narrator of the film. He is an intelligent boy, very observant and is also blessed with artistic hands. He uses the used bottles as seeing lenses, watching nature around him. Because it's just him and his mother, his mother takes him to the women's public bath house and there sees a girl with a butterfly on her left bosom. From that day on, he obsessed about the girl and even in college, all he could draw are butterflies much to the dismay of his professor whom he spies to have sexual relations with a girl model in her car. As a grown up, the narrator admits to being obsessed about peeping, becoming a voyeur but mainly monitoring Xiaoqi, the girl model with butterfly tattoo, because he thinks that she is the girl he has been looking for. He steals his professor's list of student information to get Xiaoqi's number and address, and even rents a flat strategically located across Xiaoqi's so he can observe her at ease. He even goes as far as stealing some items in Xiaoqi's car, replacing them with other items. He also sneaks into her apartment and afraid of being caught, he instinctively kidnaps Xiaoqi's cat. He wonders why of all the men who had one night stand with Xiaoqi, only one man was allowed to enter her flat. This man turned out to be her ex-husband, a weak-looking guy who obviously is just a toy for Xiaoqi. 

When eventually the narrator confesses to his voyeurism to Xiaoqi the roles are reversed with Xiaoqi trying to seduce him in his flat while her ex-husband uses binoculars from her flat and sees the attempted seduction. She informs our peeping tom about the setup and he goes out running outside to be met by the ex-husband and the two trade punches. Then a host of realizations. Our narrator finally understands that Xiaoqi despises the ex-husband so much for his weakness that she deliberately lives a promiscuous life to maybe get a reaction from the husband but the latter has only been controlling without doing anything about their marital issues. In one of their attempted love-making, with Xiaoqi telling our narrator to watch, the husband is shown to have weak virility, and prefers to have the curtains closed. The film's message in the end "意识的表达态度在于燃烧自己的小宇宙时需谨慎面对， 切勿盲目。[The attitude to expressing our mind is that we need to be careful and clear-minded when we devote ourselves wholeheartedly.]" echoes the realization made by our main character who prefers to stalk and watch from afar in his comfort zone instead of making a move,  that Xiaoqi is not the girl he has been obsessing about. He suddenly remembers that when he watched the girl in the bathhouse, he was looking at the mirror, so the butterfly is supposed to be on the other side. He suddenly also becomes aware that Xiaoqi is like a cat, dominant, freedom-loving, and a queen in her own rights.

An art film, 第三只眼 pushes it viewers who are voyeurs themselves in the whole dramatic affair to pay attention to the minutest of details, giving voyeurs an idea even of the skin texture due to close up shots of the characters' faces. Zooming out, especially at the surprising end wherein we see Xiaoqi's friend sun-bathing seductively in her terrace as the guy (narrator's friend) who chases her watches using his friend's telescope. The girl's behavior is in stark contrast to her earlier behavior wherein she dismisses the playboy guy and is always seen as the more sensible prior. The whole film invites careful observation and reflection before setting out to do something which requires effort.

Prisoner's Dilemma

A few years back, I came across a funny article on IR that compares the discipline to romantic relationships. Many disciplines actually teach a lot about relationships, mainly economics and politics, and better the combination of both: political economy.

I just finished reading Stephanie Lawson's 2015 "Theories of International Relations", something which I should have read and digested prior to taking up Asian Studies. Yes, I was able to survive two grueling years in the program where I almost expired on the last semester because I took 12 units, 6 units of core courses, and 6 units of Arabic. It was a suicidal move but then it now gives me inspiration and reminds me that a strong woman will always be a strong woman. The book is very well written, offering all the major theories while explaining briefly the many strands together with their proponents. One strength of the book is that it offers historical episodes which are analyzed from relevant theories' POV and thus offering readers a welcome into the complexities of IR and that there are no simply black and white, but a long stretch of different shades of gray. Lawson is also able to fit in major Western philosophical traditions into political science and IR but sadly lacks more examples of non-Western IR thought except perhaps brief descriptions of Occidentalism, Afrocentrism and negritude, and Asian Values. As always one can easily say that the book is very Western although the author is very much conscious of it and even explains that whether we like it or not, such is the prevailing IR theories at the moment since non-Westerners may just mirror these Western IR theories while passing them off as non-Western. I encounter the same observation in my other book which focuses on Asian philosophical traditions' influence on IR theory-building. I was able to read only a few chapters because it was a difficult read with so many concepts and -isms that this girl has very little idea of. Or maybe, the struggle is due to us scholars being indoctrinated with Western thought that we now bear little affinity with our Asian roots, a predicament that I seek to rectify by immersing myself in largely Asian cultural products nowadays to somehow get into and better understand Asia's zeitgeists.

So anyway, about Prisoner's Dilemma. It is a classic example in game theory which I first encountered while an Archaeology student. I remember wanting to cry back then because I felt like I should have chosen economics for my undergraduate instead. I just found this idea very simple and very rooted in human behavior. So basically in connection to the realist tradition in IR, states are said to be locked in the same dilemma when they see their neighboring state getting stronger. So they need to prepare also in case something happens. Clearly this speaks of lack of communication and trust, two important foundations for a peaceful relationship.

Sounds familiar? In romantic relationships, one can never stress trust and communication too much. The thing with lovers' quarrel (LQ) is that one party sees something which for him/her is a threat to the relationship. Of course, this may just be due to false assumptions. So when this doubting party does not open up and communicate, it will behave is a rather weird manner which will trigger something in the other party. In the end the two parties will both be fighting over something that may just be a misunderstanding in the first place and the fight could have been prevented if the two are open and are confident enough to communicate their thoughts and feelings. But pride gets in the way. Same as in the prisoner's dilemma wherein a party is afraid of being taken advantage of, demonstrating a lack of trust for the other, thus will potentially choose to benefit himself/ herself.

Looking back, in my relationship with A, it has always been me who was the giver. Well, he did treat me to a number of restaurants, but that doesn't count much as I can certainly pay for myself. I always communicated my misgivings, always letting him see how his actions affect me and our relationship with the hope and trust that if he truly values our relationship, he will do something about it. In the end, I was surprised to learn that he kept a lot to himself until he couldn't take it. That shows that although he tells me he trusts me, he has been lying all along and that he was just leading me on. He misses the point of TRUST which is trusting that your partner is mature to be able to talk serious and awkward things with you. His lousy excuse was that he was afraid I will be angry. Of course people will be angry, people have emotions after all. But it is in talking things out that anger can also dissipate. By not opening up, problems will arise and trust will erode. And so in my eyes, he just played me, because at the start, trust and open communications were what I specifically asked for which he did not have the guts to give to me. 

Q at least is more honest, though I think still not 100%. I still feel that he has a lot of insecurities and still hasn't told me his complete story yet, although he says that he is not an insecure person. One thing I appreciate is him telling me that he will never lie to me, which I have learned, should be taken with a grain of salt. I think I have done quite a lot to get people to open up and meeting halfway is always a rule I abide by. It can get tiring to always be the one who understands. No wonder strong, deep people usually commit suicide, because people around them always think it's okay to take strong people for granted. And when this happens always, even the strongest of persons will fall into a state of depression that this world is not suited for him/ her.

Supermoon

So astronomers say that tonight's moon is the biggest supermoon of 2020. Last night I happened to go out to check out my leeks which I have planted after using up the upper stalks and happened to look up at the sky with the golden moon in it. Always the most beautiful jewel. And I envy my plants for being out there in the night sky to enjoy this magnificent spectacle.

If there is one thing I deeply regret this Covid-19, it is that I was not able to pay much attention to my babies. In 2018 I was overcome with this intense desire to do the things I've always wanted to do especially after spending seven months away from home, six in Spain, and one in Indonesia. I felt like a superhero when I came back, even though I found myself in dire straits because of financial problems. I thought to myself, maybe I should just grow my own food so there will be no need to buy. I read up on gardening, bought seeds and thankfully, also received seedlings from many people who are more experienced in gardening. My successes came one after the other for the remaining months of 2018. I was able to successfully get excellent soil from the compost I made from vegetable and fruit wastes. The soil was very dark and it smelled really good. I passed HSK Level 6 at first take and which I prepared for for only three weeks, even though I flunked the listening part as I was not able to focus properly because I suddenly had my period right at the time of the exam and I was only thinking of how to survive the day without making a fool of myself. But then I also think that I am not very good at listening because I struggle with that even in other languages. I was able to pass the comprehensive exam, for me the defining turn if I will continue my masters or not because at that point, I was already too disillusioned with the academe, seeing the same corruption in the government taking place and understanding more fully that even the academe is not spared of nepotism. My exam mates were all shocked to find this girl answering the essays with fury, arriving late in all three exams, and then leaving way too early in all three exams. I was just so depressed back then to find that the stuff I prepared for for two weeks did not show up, and I truly believed it was the end of my masters. But a great miracle happened and I passed the exams. A week after, my money-making wish was also granted. No wonder 2018 will remain my favorite year. I felt like a superwoman back then.

Fast forward to 2020 since there is not much to say about 2019 except for again, the latter part of the year wherein I accomplished very little. For instance, the whole year passed with me not being able to produce a decent thesis proposal. I have been busy learning Business Mandarin as I felt that what we learned in school is too focused on Chinese history and culture and so we graduates are ill-equipped to have business level proficiency unless we do something on our own or enroll in Confucius Institute. Being a language lover, I took on the challenge of doing everything on my own. I was just super lucky to discover excellent books with very good list of business vocabulary accompanying excellent business dialogues. The things I will learn will not benefit me a good deal for a retake of HSK 6 as most words I am learning are not part of the HSK 6 vocabulary. But what the hell, I have long known how mere scraps of paper do not testify to one's competence so I would rather build my skills with or without certificates. I also am proud to finally have made it to Malaysia and to really go around from one city to the other inspite of the smog and haze from Indonesia's forest fires. (I remember writing about this transnational problem during the entrance exam for my masters program.) Backpacking for two and a half weeks made me feel so much more alive. Malaysia is a really beautiful place, except I hate the lack of public transportation which made going around a bit difficult. The food is just superb and I fully understood why they say Malaysia Truly Asia. The food choices are just so wide and as ever, I fell in love with Indian food, Peranakan food, and ate as much asam pedas as I could. A newfound friend there even gifted me with a book "Asam Pedas untuk Dia" when I left his city. I also joined in a trash collection activity and met many earth-lovers. It was tiring and disgusting to pick up cigarette butts and the thought of many smokers nonchalantly throwing butts everywhere is something that I think is very unjust. They themselves should pick up their trash and hopefully quit smoking altogether. I admit when I was young I planned to smoke because I thought it was cool, but I am lucky to have come across important literature on smoking and the harm it contributes to this planet, not just the harmful substances one welcomes into the system, but also social issues of child labor, environmental destruction, artificial famine, etc. So no thanks. I am cool the way I am even though I know in the eyes of others, I am just a weirdo. On second thought there is a lot to be said on my MY trip so I will be writing about my awesome experience there soon.

In 2020, J (or better yet, Q which I think is a cuter name so henceforth I shall refer to him as Q instead) and I are getting to know more about each other. A common classmate, also from the same Russian language class, is set to get married at the end of this month but, since it is announced just today that ECQ will be extended until April 30, the wedding will have to be postponed to I do not know when as there is no official update yet. I chatted with the guy earlier and asked him about possibilities of postponing since my cousin who's getting married in May just announced that the wedding will take place next year instead.

So this ECQ, everyone will probably be expecting that people will finish a lot of tasks, but I am sorry to say that this superwoman is not so super after all. I deal with family stuff and house chores so the thesis will have to take the backseat. It's extra difficult when people in your own family do not see the point of you doing graduate studies and so there is very little moral support. For now I am the one walking kilometers to buy groceries, medicine, and other essentials. I am also expected to cook and wash dishes, among other stuff. Of course, a huge part of my time goes to money-making ventures because I want to live up to my late yaya's wishes for me to become self-reliant and independent, so that never mind if boys will break my heart, at least I can still be my own person. 

It dawns on me at this point how the supermoon can indeed affect the disposition of a person and with many streams of consciousness I find myself asking what the hell am I writing about here. And the title is not apt because I talk very little of the super moon and more about memories of victory, those few triumphant moments in my life that will every now and then inspire me and remind me that miracles abound in this world so I should not lose hope. Heck, I myself am a Miracle.  

Love Forever (Ragnarok Online)

Last week, while COVID-19 lockdown (aka ECQ/ Enhanced Community Quarantine) is on its second week, J sent me a music video of "Love Forever". I wasn't familiar with the song but a quick search shows that it is from the massively popular MMORPG Ragnarok Online. Unfortunately I did not play the game although it did attract me a lot when I was in highschool because of the super cute characters and poring! But I was a poor kid back then, I had to rely on making and selling reviewers for my batchmates to earn money, and the money earned went straight to my college fund. Back then, I was so afraid that my parents would not let me study in college because of their super backward thinking that girls should remain at home, that girls will eventually just get married so an education is not at all needed. But I think it's just a pretext and the very reason they didn't want me, especially my mother, to get higher education was because I outshone my brothers and it was a big blow to her ego as we three girls were raised by our nanny, my dearest yaya. So anyway, early on, all the money that ever came to me was sure to be for my education, and I just contented myself with anime DVDs which I borrowed from friends, so playing R.O which required prepaid cards was out of the question. That, plus paying for prepaid internet cards.

"Love Forever" is actually a duet and the song talks of two lovers who can't see each other and although separated, never cease to think of the other and to wish to go to where the other is. It's a cute song. Later on, I found another duet mixing Mandarin and Japanese, which I readily shared to J. So here I am reproducing the lyrics in the CN-JP version together with my own translation.

蔚藍的天　雲化成你的臉        Blue skies, the clouds transform into your face
你的笑　你的眼　又佔據我的視線   Your smile and your eyes occupy my vision again
暫停時間　沒有離別想念        Time is paused and thoughts where there is no separation
守候在你身邊　直到永遠        Stay by your side forever

空に浮かんだ雲なら   If I were a cloud that floats in the sky
あなたにも屆くの      then I can follow you to be by your side
別忘記　我們共同的誓言  Do not forget our promise
この空の(天空的)　那一片藍天  This sky, this blue sky
追逐到永遠                         We will chase it until forever

Forever In My Heart
不管距離多麼遠     No matter the distance
未來の幸せを夢みてる We will dream of the future together
飛到你的身邊　傾訴著我的思念 I will fly to your side and will pour out my thoughts
我和你的愛戀　ふたリの愛と(兩人的愛) Our love, the two of us will love until forever.
愛直到永遠                            
Love Forever

細語耳邊　在夢醒的晨間        Waking up in the morning with a gentle whisper 
你的吻　你的戀　又在我心裡盤旋 Your kiss and your love still linger in my heart
寄語藍天　傳遞我的心願      I send my heart's desire to the blue sky
回到那一瞬間　期待不變      To go back to that moment and wait unchanged

空に羽ばたく鳥なら          If I were a small bird flying in the sky
あなたへと飛ベるの    then I can fly straight to your arms
只要你　此刻就在我懷間   Only you are in my mind at this very moment
この空の(青空中的)　飛翔在藍天 This sky, flying in this blue sky
一直到永遠                       until forever

Forever In My Heart
不管距離多麼遠      No matter the distance
再び會える日を信じてる I still dream of the day when we can embrace each other
飛到你的身邊　傾訴著我的思念   I will fly to your side and pour out my feelings
我和你的愛戀　ふたリの愛と Our love, the two of us will love until forever.
愛直到永遠
Love Forever

Forever In My Heart
不管距離多麼遠     No matter the distance
未來の幸せを夢みてる We will dream of the future together
飛到你的身邊　傾訴著我的思念 I will fly to your side and will pour out my thoughts
我和你的愛戀　ふたリの愛と(兩人的愛) Our love, the two of us will love until forever.
愛直到永遠                            
Love Forever

So I have been listening to this song for about a week already and it made me realize that for some reason, the songs he shares to me somehow become meaningful. Last month, he shared Yuna Ito's "Trust You" which I first thought was a cover of Megumi Hayashibara's song of the same name, the ending song of Shaman King, a beloved anime from my childhood. And I started to listen to the song no end that when we met for karaoke with my friends, I was able to sing it with him.

I like getting songs from people. I'd like to think that what they're sharing is not just the music that moved them, but that they send the song as a heartfelt message when their own words fail them. But I also know that I should be careful not to read too much in these gestures. The world is full of heartbreakers and I cannot afford to have my heart broken again, not when I have successfully picked up the pieces. I must remember his words on an unforgettable February 14, when he gave me a single rose bud which he bought from the sidewalk on his way to SM North EDSA while I waited for almost two hours for him. As he handed it to me together with a brown bag, he said that the rose is for me so that I will feel in one with the crowd since almost every girl's getting one. The brown bag is from his mother, a hair curler packaged in Japanese. I thought, how untimely since I just cut my hair that morning, only to realize later on that it was timely after all since my hair can be wild when short. When later on I thanked his mom in person, she said it was to test if the curler works. So okay. I really should not read too much.

I mean, I don't want to get delusional again and think that there is something special going on with me and J. He himself told me that he was not ready for a relationship after being traumatized by his past relationships. So that in itself already tells to my face a big NO. So I am again left wondering why boys come to me in the first place, make me feel special, and then tell me they have no desire to be in a relationship. I've heard that before and it is all too familiar. It's their polite way of saying they don't like me as a romantic partner. I wish they can be brutally frank like me to make it all easier. So all the more reason to keep my heart guarded because I am noticing the same pattern. It might just be another disastrous affair that will leave me feeling bankrupt and empty in the end. I don't want to go through another hellish of questioning myself and justifying to myself that they are just the wrong guys and that the right man has not yet come. How do you know which one is the right man unless you dive into the cesspool of dating?

So many questions. The overanalyzer in me is revived. The tears have already begun...