Hugs to Marawi 09012017

Reminiscing about the past while accidentally opening a folder of photos from my heartbroken years (2015-mid-2019), I  chanced upon some photos of my stuffed toys. In September 2017, exactly on Eid-ul-Adha, I once again stood as one with our Muslim brothers and sisters. It was a holiday and instead of  resting or working on my papers, I jumped at the opportunity to help out in packing donations to be sent to Marawi. (Just a brief background, ISIL supporters and Maute militants captured Marawi in May 2017 and battles ensured between them and the armed forces, resulting in the destruction of the city and evacuation of its residents. As of the moment, rebuilding the city is on-going.) The nearest venue for me was Sto. Domingo Church where I met the resident father in 2015 in a volunteer trip to the north and where I have been volunteering whenever my schedule permits.

September of 2017 also saw us packing and moving things nonstop as we move to a new house far up north. It was a decision made by our parents with the express approval of my eldest brother, the only one who seemed to be fine with moving out of the heart of QC. At that time, I decided that the suffed toys I have accumulated over the years will have to go. Never mind the sentimental value, I will have a lot of explaining to do to my friends who gave me these stuffs knowing I love anything cute. But they have to go and it's time new arms take care of them rather than have them gather dust. So before I give them away, I took photos of the important ones, which I share in this post.

Modoki and Kon which I got on my 18th birthday from my ever-supportive HS friends

Giggle Bunny, my first stuffed toy from my Ninong. 

The scented white bear was from someone who had a crush on me in HS, the brown one was a graduation gift from a close friend. I think the white seal is my sister's....

We packed all these children's books. Tiring work but totally fulfilling.

Sagada Memories: Stories

On the third week of June, I joined a coffee-planting volunteer work in Sagada. It was the perfect time to unwind, to go somewhere far where I had been and meet new people in the process. I was a bit heartbroken a few days prior because for the nth time, he hurt my feelings. Many would say that I am too sensitive. I do admit that, but it's only because I take great care not to offend nor hurt the ones I love that I expect the same from them. This June opened my eyes to the reality that he never loved me. He never cared for me and he never respected me. As I have said in my previous post, he is just a pretentious boy who has to rely on deceit to get by. Strong people would never resort to such lowly tactics because strong people protect, they do not hurt other people. So if there is one truth he said, it is that he is weak. He can brag about his many achievements, but those things do not define a  man; relations do, being a mindful and compassionate person does.

A few days before I left for Sagada, we met up because he needed help and I, as usual, wanted to be there for him. Only to be disrespected. We met his friends and they were talking in their own native language, without even thinking if I felt out of place. I can catch some of the words thanks to my training in Bahasa but most I do not comprehend. I felt so sleepy (as usual) after our dinner at a simple eatery. The place serves really good grilled stuff mostly grilled chicken (no squid though...). I got offended when he invited his FEMALE friend (whom he says is already engaged.. or married? I don't care) to swim at his place, WHEN HE NEVER INVITED ME. And he was just super insensitive and kept on asking me what's wrong with me. A boy can never comprehend a woman when he refuses to take the effort to. Then came one of the most heartbreaking part when he left me alone in the streets at night all of a sudden, bringing my backpack down on the ground and walking away to hail a cab. At least he was still nice enough to carry my heavy backpack that night (#sarcasm).

But we patched things up that night. Yet after that night, things were never the same again. I didn't even cry when it happened. It opened my eyes that I was dating an immature boy who only cares about himself. He says I was controlling him. He was swallowed by paranoia, thinking that me helping him meant I wanted to control him. It only made me see that the relationship is really going nowhere. He never did trust me, despite him always saying he does so. That incident made me rethink our relationship, made me question my choices to love him with all my heart. You can always love a person, but should stop when that person refuses to be loved. Take it or leave it, there's no in-between.

So going back to Sagada, which should be the heart of this post: the night of my departure, I told him I was in the bus terminal, hoping he would come visit me even for a while to see me off. Nothing of the sort happened. Stubborn me, I reprimanded myself back then. Why did I keep on hoping for him to do things for me??? He couldn't even face my parents, he had to be forced to meet my sisters. With a heavy heart I left Manila for Sagada, that place in the north where he traveled with his French girlfriend whom he is proud to have. He always is proud to have had a French girl and even planned to marry her despite that circumstances in which they met. What decent guy would marry a girl who got drunk and got inside a stranger's room to make out with a stranger? And I being idealistic, believing in the power of humans to change, didn't make much of it. The present is always more important. So while in the bus, when I was not sleeping I was crying. Coz... they play sappy music in the bus... Makes me remember the days when he was sweet to me and makes me wonder if he really did love me, even one bit. (Okay I will stop, he clearly DOES NOT!!! Dear girl, quit your delusions!)

In Sagada, I met nice people who somehow took my mind off him. I met interesting women. One is an almost 40 year old woman but still looks young, probably because of her outlook in life. She is very motherly and it makes me wonder why no guy pursued her. (But oh well, only boys roam the world, boys who like the superficial.) She was with her friend who was able to study in Australia on a scholarship. The friend is a daughter of a former government official and although the family name is extraordinary, I failed to make a connection until later. In fact, they had to tell me. LOL. Another is a quiet woman, already married and whose husband is working abroad. She is a businesswoman and has made herself financially independent thus allowing herself to travel alone even without the support of her husband. But my heart was shattered when I learned that she is having an affair. Just what is wrong with the world??? We had a heart-to-heart talk before we parted ways and that was when she shared her story. I, of course, cautioned her against continuing the affair. I told her, that I understand her needs; her husband is away, but THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. When you marry someone, you commit to the relationship, you commit to being a good wife to your husband (or being a good husband to your wife). Besides, the person she's having an affair with is also married and has kids. Being a homewrecker will not make her happy. So I shared with her how my dad destroyed my view of males, how angry I was (still am) at him when we learned of his affairs. And I asked her to think what if his child grows up to be like me? I reminded her that this is no win-win situation.

I was reminded of the time when someone asked me out for a date but who turned out to be already married. When I found out, I already liked him a bit. But you will know how strong you are when you are able to walk away from temptations. And I just did. So whenever I think of my frailty, I will always think of that moment when I fought myself hard to do the right thing before our "friendship" deepens and before I do something that will cause me guilt all of my life. That is how fidelity works. You nip it in the bud. You do as Ulysses did when he ordered his men to tie him up and put ear plugs on to resist the seductive sirens. Such preventive mechanism will enable you to step away from things that you will regret later. They say that affairs usually start out as innocent friendship. But it blossoms because you spend too much time together than necessary. You know you are in big trouble when you are more concerned about this extra lover than about your official lover (i.e. husband/ wife). It is also this reason that whenever I talk to my male friends, I would make it a point to tell them about A, to send the message that I am already off-limits. (Only to find out later on that he dated a girl in his class with whom he shared my work and he told her that "we used to date". "Used to" when at that time we were still good. So what does that make him?)

So going back to the people I met in Sagada... There was this one doctor who seemed to have not yet moved on  from his breakup. I don't know the full story but "motherly friend" (hereinafter T) and "popular daughter" (hereinafter K) told me that he was all out in his recent relationship and was disappointed because the girl's efforts were minute compared to his. He was emphasizing EFFORT. I do understand where he is coming from and I feel sorry for  him. Girls normally put in much effort, too much effort even, for the men they love. But then, I also acknowledge that bitches also exist. (Of course we only got to hear his side of the story... So okay, the skeptic in me is making a lot of questions... LOL) One evening, I joined them around the campfire. They were drinking and chatting. I just wanted to see how they drink. I like observing people when I am not engaging them. So I sat beside T and K and he invited me to sit closer to him. Of course, I didn't do that because he was already drunk. They offered me a drink and I put a former professor's wise words to practice. Since I don't drink I usually feel out of place. One way of still becoming one with the group is to accept the drink but to announce for everyone to hear that such is my first and last because I DO NOT DRINK. PERIOD. So no amount of coaxing will work. (I don't understand why people become alcoholic. Alcohol tastes bad.. EWWW!!!)

They asked me if I had any companion in the project (none), my reasons for joining (vacation break), and why I travel alone (to challenge myself, though actually the real challenge for me is travelling with incompatible companions). I think they were expecting me to say that I was looking for love in Sagada following the popularity of the movie "That Thing Called Tadhana". I forgot what our topic was but then when asked about something, I casually replied, "because boys are uncaring." And he couldn't accept it, demanding answers all night long until we had to put out the fire at 10PM. LOL. Funny experience! But the strange thing is, although he was drunk, I didn't feel scared of him. I normally distance myself from drunk people. Maybe because I sensed a loadful of loneliness and frustrations in him. Empath mode on again. Sigh. I will really drain myself out fast if this keeps going.

The only other person who doesn't drink is X (I forgot her name...). She graduated from a private all-girls' school known for social activism. Needless to say, she works in the development sector and plans to take up further studies abroad. She's a people person and it's not hard to see that she has a strong personality. Meeting her made me realize that most of those in the development sector come from well-off family and I came to formulate that there is a general pattern. No wonder those who are selected in foreign scholarship programs are mostly from rich families, because they have access to these experiences which are not readily available to the average person who is most likely to end up a corporate slave in a private firm (ehem). And it is a misconception that salaries in NGOs and social work are small. Heck no, they are even bigger compared to those in the corporate world. So it got me thinking, is this the modern day version of elite cooptation? Of course there are exceptions. I have a friend who was a product of the public school system and who had so much grit she was able to get one of the most coveted slots in Japanese scholarship program. 

I could have taken my time in getting to know everyone in the project. But then the group was big so my introvert self was screaming to be alone.

A Bit Ready for Tomorrow

So precious holiday season in 2015 was spent in the office instead of at home. It's okay, as a family we hardly travel together and we see each other every weekends except when I have out-of-town trips. I see it as some sort of distraction to keep me from missing the Light too much. It was the first Christmas, first New Year that she was not with us.

Yesterday browsing through photos in my external HD, I found not a few pictures of her. And luckily she was, for the most part, my subject when I first got hold of my Sony camera in 2011. It's comforting to know that I have saved the videos which still make me laugh because of the silly things she does when on cam, knowing I am behind the camera.

Makes me thankful that at the very least these gadgets are attainable by ordinary people like me. In the 90s only the rich can afford camcorders.

Good news is that I finally was able to tick off five items on my holiday to-do list:

1. Write an article for an online newspaper about the ugly side of the holiday season. I focused more on the huge amount of trash and on illegal street vendors who block pedestrian pathways. The 24th and the 25th were days I finally took courage to bring my camera and do fieldwork in the metro, something I would always shy away from for fear of having my cam stolen.

2. Send photos of artifacts requested by an ex-professor. I have sent the same zipped file for her countless times before. I hope this is the last time. Digging through my files just eats up time for me thanks to my unfocused mind and my tendency to reminisce while looking up photos and videos.

3. Complete tasks for a new project.

4. Finish checking the articles for our little project which ended last November. It's a one-girl team doing all the checking of more than 700 articles!

5. Complete registrations to events. Fingers crossed with hopeful heart.

Now only a few more left:

1. Work on blog backlogs. But sometimes I question myself if it's still relevant. On the other hand, for memories' sake, I'll still do it.

-SG (with focus on my first day spent at Palau Ubin)

-South Korea

-Oriental Mindoro (done with the excavation part, will write about mapping)

-Cavinti falls + visita iglesia part 2 in Laguna

-Laguna part 1 continuation

-farm visit in Sta. Maria, Laguna (my 2015 weekends seem to be spent mostly either in Pangasinan or in Laguna).

-HK wetland park (this I really have to write about)

-Pangasinan part 1

-MX (Teotihuacan, National Museum of Anthropology, Vasconcelos Library)

-Theaters (Rak of Aegis, Mga Buhay na Apoy, Haring Lear)

-Movies (Oro Plata Mata, Stand By Me, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, +plane movies during my MX trip)

2. Transfer my Math noted to index cards. The materials are ready but I just found it hard to sneak this into my schedule.

3. Finish the books I started to read in 2015. Too many to mention. Classic drifter here, yo!

4. Work on my academic papers for publication based on my drafts. At least I was able to present these already. Worked in reverse of what happened in 2014 when I first had my full paper for presentation.

5. Finish the series I started from 2014. (Not really a priority... But I'm itching to share my thoughts on some cool anime series I stumbled upon.)

6. Play music. This I do occasionally to calm my overactive mind.

So there. I'm sure I will have another busy year this year. Bring it on, 2016!

2015 at a Glance

So finally I can relax and spend more time with my books.

It feels as if I were a student again this year as I managed several things at once. January to April, four months in all, were spent traveling on weekends to different provinces for heritage documentation. As an Iska, this is my way of offering my skills and services to my country without sacrificing my happiness. I almost resigned from my current job but quickly retracted at the last minute after achieving enlightenment. That stint in the US was very tempting, especially since it involved historical documents, but I had to let it go. My life is too full of regrets to add another bad decision.

I was also able to participate in an excavation in February. It was one of my dream sites and I would love to explore every place in Mindoro. I finally visited Singapore and got to stay at Four Seasons Hotel for three nights thanks to my cousin. I returned to Bohol this time as a volunteer in a mapping workshop. It was my first time to be a workshop facilitator.

(Many of my friends are pushing me to work in the public sector seeing how my skills can be put to good use. Then again, I would refuse without second thought. I don't trust the government and I don't want to be put in a situation wherein it would seem like I were working under the government when in fact I am working FOR the government. Ugh! If ever, there is only one project I'd like to be part of but I think I have to level up fast first.)

This year also marks the start of my active participation in the volunteering community. I signed up to distribute goods to schoolchildren in the Mountain Province and participated in painting a school in Botolan, Zambales. For the first, I am thankful to my team mates who donated milk for the kids. 

In June, the Light of my life disappeared, leaving me hurting everytime I think of her. (Just earlier today while at mass in UP, I thought of her and uncontrollable tears rolled down ny cheeks. It must be because the day after my birthday, my sisters asked me if I dreamed of her and I told them I have been dreamless for a long time and they wouldn't believe me yet unfortunately, it's true.)

Another childhood dream was achieved when I went to Mexico this year to attend a conference. Even though it was just for 10 days, it will remain as my most unforgettable trip. I never thought I had that courage to go that far on my own. After that, I felt like I could go anywhere in the world. (Okay I exaggerate. I will certainly have second thoughts about going to India on my own.)

A trip to HongKong was just what I needed in August to give in to wanderlust without killing the wallet that much. It was good to be with my cousins again and I will very fondly cherish my first bike adventure because they were with me. Also, I am surprised to find myself booking a flight just to attend a seminar abroad. While in HK, I made sure to finish my powerpoint presentations and scripts for my paper reader since the trip coincided with a conference where I was to present two papers, both on heritage documentation, a big leap from my 2014 paper which was on archaeology and animé.

September to November passed by with me too focused on work. Those months were uneventful except I finally found the time to attend concerts and plays. The whole month of November, I participated in the Asian Month and I submitted a few articles, mainly writing about extraordinary Thais who contributed to positive changes in Thailand. It was also during this time that I went out with friends again since prior to this, it was always hard to ask me out. I also assisted a friend archaeologist in touring his class around Binondo for two days and one day in the National Museum where I gave a short lecture on glass artifacts.

Today marks the end of a personal project. Plus I attended a seminar. It coincided with our company Christmas party in Pampanga but I chose to attend the seminar seeing it as more important. Walking inside UP Campus on a drizzling night, I took in the smell of wet earth, mushrooms, and frogs which I so miss. UP has been and will always be my sanctuary.

The remaining days this month will see me reading history books and writing papers in preparation for next year.

Iraya Mangyans of Puerto Galera

When one major project ended in April this year, immediately the following day I found myself in Puerto Galera together with a deployment buddy whom I mapped Pangasinan with. On April 30 we stayed up late until midnight working on deliverables and the next day both of us are just happy to have delivered more than the minimum requirement so off we joined a 3D2N arnis training workshop in Puerto Galera, Mindoro. For the second time, I brought the four seasons tent with me on a trip.

It was my third time in Mindoro and my second visit this year, but after that I am sure I will go back there again since I have established friendship with many people from select towns in the island and am looking forward to meeting more friends there.

our tent

We set up our tents in Talipanan Beach in Puerto Galera. It takes at least 20 minutes of walking to get there from the main touristy beach by foot. That afternoon, my buddy and I just relaxed inside the treehouse while talking about the project, our hopes for it, and how our ideals led us to be heritage volunteers.

pretending to be a Watcher while looking far out in the sea for possible pirate attacks

The following day was the main highlight. We trekked to a falls and did some meditation there. The cool waters seemed like a cure to the summer heat. While waiting for food to be cooked, some of us slept inside s small cave near the falls. The awesome boodle fight lunch that followed was very much appreciated and I was happy that they accommodated my request for grilled squid. YUM!

Then we visited the Iraya Mangyan Community Village, a beneficiary of the Ayala Foundation. The Iraya Mangyans are excellent basket weavers and their works are being entered in the market by the Ayalas. The primary material used is dried nito grass. [In August I attended a weaving demonstration in National Museum and how I loved the smell of the lowly nito!]

nito baskets of various shapes and sizes and other crafts

That afternoon we finally engaged in the arnis training. We did some exercises and then the hands on practice fights which I love doing. The whole thing awakened the warrior in me whereas the the nighttime spent wading through the waters on a full moon reminded me of my role as priestess. At that point, as I was pondering on which road to take, I eventually decided to be a warrior-priestess. [Since I love watching wuxia and samurai films, I find fighting monks to be very cool because of their dual role as protector-defender and spiritual guide so I'd like to follow in their footsteps. :D]

 

Talipanan Beach at night

 On the third day, buddy and I had fun doing a continuation of our photoshoots from the previous days as we took advantage of the sunrise and early morning light which she calls magic light. By the time I got home, I already added another purpose in my life, to help protect our cultural heritage and to help support the local indigenous peoples.

A few weeks later, news of how the NCIP are betraying the indigenous peoples in various parts of the country are in the papers. It's a shame to learn that a government agency tasked to protect the IP's are instead making it easier for mining companies and other greedy corporations to take over the ancestral lands. Apparently this has been going on for many years now but lately the military has stepped in and based on the news articles I read, they even kill tribal leaders who oppose the landgrabbing activities.

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As the world faces climate change and other environmental issues which impact food production and cause sustainability problems, I believe that there is a need to go back to traditional knowledge and reestablish our ancient way of relating to Mother Nature. Western methods may seem superior on the surface but these will ultimately prove to be useless in the long run. I am hoping for a new consciousness to envelop the world, to make people realize their roots and to enable them to listen and uncover the hidden messages of Mother Nature.

Also, please buy local and help support the livelihood of the indigenous peoples, that their traditions and crafts and skills may live on.

Bohol 2015

Early this year I was invited to be part of a cultural mapping workshop in Tagbilaran, Bohol. I was with a group of architects and historians. Yes, I felt a bit out of place since most of them were not as friendly no matter how much I tried to strike conversations with them so the whole trip I was stressed out. I would always wake up very early and sleep very late. Just so I can have my me-time and have my whatever-am-I-doing-in-here moment. It helps that we're near the sea which for me is perfect for such moments. And I brought along my mini ocarina and played a few songs for relaxation. That, and constantly playing David Garret's "Air" gave me such comfort in not so good times.

my comfort in my morning solitude

  As this was my second time in Bohol, it was easy for me to talk to the locals about their culture and heritage. I learned a great deal, I made friends with a local teacher and his students, I got friendly with a local pianist Ms. Lilet Sarabien and who prodded me to play but unfortunately I couldn't because all she had are difficult classical pieces. (But she sure inspired me to play again.)

Bored with the workshop on the first day, I declared that I wanted to go mapping with the boys on the second day. I love the outdoors, even though the summer heat in Bohol can be unbearable at times. It's so unfair to confine women indoors while they have all the fun being outside observing the daily life of common people and taking pictures of heritage structures which are scattered all over town. So in the end I got the best of both worlds, Casa Boholana in hand as we explore Antequerra, Alburquerque and Baclayon. I got to see the churches again. This time I was able to see the different heritage houses and public markets.

I love simple rural scenes like this

rice field

 While I learned to know more about the cultural assets of Tagbilaran during the very informative workshop, that knowledge is largely complemented by what I saw while doing field work. At that point in time, I thought, what if I were a researcher? I can do both archival and field research, being quite adept at communicating with locals, not to mention my language capabilities. It is, however, a sad thing, to be in a country that does not put a premium on historical research. Just to get to the point, I need a patron and research funding. That and a team of like-minded passionate and highly skilled individuals. But it's hard to gather such a team, right? 

bahay kubo

 Discovering a Gabaldon building inside Cecilio Putong High School on the day we mapped, I made a mental note to go back there to sketch the building. But alas, I didn't bring a pencil with me and sketching with a ballpen is quite messy but I did it anyway. There's just a certain elegance in those arches that I find quite appealing.

Gabaldon building

 On our last day, I roamed Tagbilaran on my own. I amused myself inside the Bohol Museum even though I've been there before and they didn't have anything new to offer. But it's refreshing to observe with another set of eyes the architecture of this building which is currently under renovation.

eaves details of Bohol museum

That, and I bore witness to yet another wedding in Tagbilaran Church. When they played Canon in D, I couldn't resist and recorded it. File's too big to be uploaded though. There's always this warm fuzzy feeling whenever I hear it being played. And church weddings! How they force me to think about marriage, something I am ambivalent about. T.T

May they have a blissful married life together

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On marriage: Just yesterday I hung out with JM and his colleagues and one of his friends asked me if I have any plans of getting married. @.@ I couldn't answer. In the first place, should every woman enter a married life? Anyway at this point, I still do not know. Yeah, and time is running out.

Also, having been questioned about commitments lately, I just do not understand what we mean by commitment. If one decides to marry, does that mean that that person has a resolve to be committed? If so, why do married people still cheat? Are humans that weak to fall into temptations? Are humans too selfish and insecure to want to have everything even with the knowledge that they hurt other people? 

Laguna Tour Part 1

Before the mapping project ended in April this year, I was able to forge alliance with two other active volunteers who had already exceeded the required outputs early on. One is from Calamba, Laguna and the other from Bulacan. The three of us have previously mapped Pila, Laguna last April 9, taking advantage of the holiday Araw ng Kagitingan to do volunteer work.

J who hails from Bulacan was my buddy for the day. Plan was that we would meet up with C somewhere in Laguna but since C suddenly had lots of deadlines to meet that day, he only joined us for dinner in SM Calamba, his treat at Max's Restaurant remembering how fond I was of sizzling tofu.

J and I met up in Cubao to take a bus going to Santa Cruz, Laguna. From there on, we visited Nagcarlan, Liliw, Majayjay for their churches and snapped photos of heritage houses, most of them already dilapidated. We also paid a visit to the Nagcarlan Underground Cemetery which is really a small one but the fine architecture of the chapel there with some ceiling paintings intact makes it one important cultural property.

It was a tiring day. I got home at close to 12MN. because when the three of us gather we talk endlessly about plans, dreams, frustrations, and the future of the project. It's amazing how fate brings together three persons from different disciplines but who share the same passions and who have almost similar experiences of not being understood by our respective families.

Read more:

Santa Cruz, Laguna

Nagcarlan, Laguna

Liliw, Laguna

Majayjay, Laguna

This is just Part 1. Part 2 is yet to materialize and when the time comes, I'll make sure to go to Pagsanjan Falls!

First Half of 2015

So half the year is about to end and here we are, still on the same page, still on the same boat, yet with wonderful memories of days gone by.

My 2014 yearender FB post

2014 ended with many accidental trippings on speculations about love. A prelude mayhaps to a whole new 2015. It started in December, on the day of my birthday when the Heavens directed me to a church I have always wanted to visit and yet couldn't find the time to do so. That fateful day, drifter received a special gift--- a rosary. It was a Wednesday and suddenly the priest called all birthday celebrants to come forward and receive some blessings.

I must have been close to my religious exit for this to happen. Being busy and suddenly not feeling like I were living a very fruitful life despite being quite productive as I volunteer left and right, my heart and mind knew not peace. This gift, a small rosary, now I keep in my bag as a reminder of this fateful day, a renewal of vows. Why it happened in church dedicated to St. Joseph the Worker still is a mystery to me. But maybe it's God's way of telling me to work and not just conceptualize. Do the actual thing, stop being on a standstill in fantasyland.

My 2014 birthday FB post

Coz time is running fast and we mere mortals cannot keep up. These days it's all about doing as much as we can in a short amount of time. We search for shortcuts, we attempt to do everything even if we can do without them I'm a bit guilty of those in the past but I know better now. The mountains have taught me that it's not how fast you ascend or descend, it's how you enjoy the trail, the wonderful views, the scent of the mountains (which is one of the most important reasons why I keep on going back because my olfactory senses are very much alive and partying when I'm close to nature), the company even, the rain, the cool earth, the occasional gashes and the frequent insect bites (yes, these too, my battle scars).

So here I am, still enjoying the freedom (or is it a curse?) of being single. Eagles' "Desperado" always ruins my mood, in a welcome way. "Your pain is walking through this world all alone". Some random romantic shit but what the hell, when I ponder on this, I wonder if I will be able to settle? Loving requires giving a part of yourself and taking something in return, connoting change. And therein lies my biggest fear. I've been alone for as long as I could remember. Alone because I have been viewed as different by the people around me. It almost destroyed me but I guess I love myself too much to ever let any external force force its way into my system. So no thanks, I'm perfectly happy with who I am. But oooops life can get lonely from there.

Or maybe the fates are talking a different kind of love. Love for humanity, love for nature, love for excellence... (Okaaaaay my excuses again to evade romantic possibilities.)

Credit: Dino Dimar of White Canvas Org

Except that the recent volunteer trip to the Mountain Province brought me close to a group of like-minded fellows. The project was Akyat, Aklat, Pasasalamat, joined by some of the survivors of the Florida bus accident last February 7, 2014. (They are a marvelous group. It's hard to see their struggles because of their very bright smiles and cheerful disposition. I'm lucky to have met them!) With peeps from Black Pencil Project and White Canvas Org, I discovered I can be my whole self with no pretensions. We understand each other in our quests for social justice, for the rejuvenation of Mother Nature, for heightened spirituality. It all started in Mindoro last May, right after the mapping project when the soul of this poor corporate slave/ hardcore volunteer was in dire need to reconnect with the Spirits of Nature. And then the Domino Effect. One thing leads to another.

And now I'm seeing the Wheel again. How far can I go without turning back? I've successfully completed the requirements for the mapping project, even going beyond the minimum requirements. Must be the passion. Because once you start it's hard to stop.

I have that person whom I met in Mindoro to thank for for making me go through this painful but wonderful situation. I can sense very strongly that it's my time to grow up and shed my childish self in preparation for a big role that I have only a bleak idea about. But like what his clairvoyant friend told me, "Don't worry. Yours is not sharp intelligence. Yours is nurturing, pure, not meant to attack but to protect." Of course he speaks in riddles I couldn't quite grasp it since I know myself to be unable to love. It reminded me of the kokology game two acquaintances played with me and the result was that I am a guardian. How can you protect if you don't know how to love? To which he replied, "Take courage. Take courage for your heart. Take courage to love." So much for being perceived as courageous by my friends. Ah well I always tell them I can withstand any physical pain but probably not emotional wounds. "Crying doesn't mean cowardice and weakness." He must have seen through the inner turmoil inside of me caused by my preoccupation with the slow fading of the Light.

And then echoes of a friend's words, "To love is to be vulnerable." to which I always quip, "To love is to be invulnerable. :P" And inside of me, "To love is to be both vulnerable and invulnerable."

Makes me think so hard. Don't know if the role suits me well but let's see.

Wheels again. Sigh.

Things to do:

1. Write about the current plight of the IP

2. Take responsibility for a fundraising campaign

3. Update this blog and write about my many adventures (BIG backlog since 2014 and net is down...)

4. Finish the two books I have been reading and use them as background for articles on protecting the environment and restoring the dignity of the minorities

5. Sweat. (coz I'm getting fat already.)

My subconscious must have sensed these events. Above is my FB post 5 days before my Mindoro trip which contributed to the gradual changing of my life.

"Be broken, then be fixed and be made whole again." (to quote myself!) The survivors did a great job. Will I?

Bani and Agno: Pangasinan Mapping Part 2

On Sunday, second day of our second time to map Pangasinan, buddy and I left our host's residence in Bolinao early. As agreed, we donned our costumes to at least look good in our photos. The househelp prodded us to at least eat breakfast before we leave. Such heartwarming gesture of hospitality extended to us by our hosts! Needless to say, I am deeply moved.

After breakfast, I ran to the side of St. James the Great Parish Church to buy binungey, a kakanin which resembles suman except this is cooked inside a bamboo. We would eat it later in Alaminos.

Immaculate Concepcion of the Blessed Virgin Mary Parish Church (credit: Wikicommons)

Our first stop for the day was Bani, a small town but with around 20 heritage structures. Their church has a rather irregular shape and was being renovated when we visited.

retablo of Bani Church (credit: Wikicommons)

Gabaldon Building (credit: Wikicommons)

Pangasinan State University (credit: Wikicommons)

 In the park across Bani Church we saw a historical marker erected on March 18, 1979 in memory of the 13 martyrs who died fighting against the Spanish soldiers on March 7, 1898. Now, who were these 13 martyrs? What were their background? What motivated them to fight?

After Bani, we headed to Agno where I was able to climb up the belfry. The view from the top of the church is always breathtaking and one imagines as if it were the olden times, how the belfry can also function as watchtower to see if there were advancing armies about to attack. Oh well, I am also into military stuff so pardon my wild imagination. :P

Saint Catherine of Alexandria Church (credit: Wikicommons)

view from Agno Church choir loft (credit: Wikicommons)

 As in Bani, Agno also has a Gabaldon Building. We were also lucky to have found an old Spanish bridge except all that's left are the pillars. Locals say that on top of these were wooden boards. Anyway, a modern one runs parallel to this old bridge.

Gabaldon Building (credit: Wikicommons)

Don Angel Sison Bridge (credit: Wikicommons)

 Since these two towns are fairly small, we only spent a short time here. We then proceeded to Alaminos for lunch. Needless to say, I slept while in transit despite getting 5 hours of sleep the night before. We were still lucky because the weather in Western Pangasinan was not that hot.

Note: All the pics I took were uploaded to Wikicommons but am reusing them here anyway.

Previous: Bolinao: Pangasinan Mapping Part 2
Next: Alaminos and Dagupan: Pangasinan Mapping Part 2

Bolinao: Pangasinan Mapping Part 2

In April, I went back to Pangasinan with the same buddy I was with in my first mapping of the province. The second time around we experienced the same difficulty in getting bus tickets as we did the first time.

Our first stop this time was Bolinao, known to travelers for its lighthouse. Of course we included that in our itinerary as well as a visit to the beach.

It's funny how the world seemed so small. While having breakfast at a canteen, I saw the last name of a former officemate and I remembered that she had relatives in Bolinao. So I messaged her and asked if her uncle could provide assistance to us. The town was celebrating a festival so we almost never got the help we needed but her uncle was really a generous person who even provided us with a tricycle, instructing the driver to take us to Bolinao's Enchanted and Wonderful Caves, Patar beach, and Bolinao lighthouse. Plus, we got free accommodation and dinner at their house. I'm so touched at how people can be so kind despite the prevalence of cruelty in this cold dark world.

we didn't know there was a fiesta! Beautiful surprise :)

Go Bolinao!!!

 A sea of busy people greeted us when we arrived at Bolinao. Turned out they were having a festival! Cool surprise! We stopped by for some time to see their street performance then resumed mapping the town.

binungey, suman-like treat in bamboo

Old Spanish Well

the imposing St. James the Great Parish Church

Gabaldon Building 

old church bells in Bolinao Church (yes we climbed up the belfry!)

 In the afternoon, there was only the lighthouse left to map. We were in for another pleasant surprise when my officemate's uncle arranged a tricycle tour for us. We were taken to Enchanted Cave first where we marveled at the giant fossilized clam shells. Later on we took a dip in the cave's cool waters. Wanting more, we transferred to another cave named Wonderful Cave. I liked waters here more than in the previous one. Also, it's got less people so buddy and I were able to talk a lot about love, friendship, and human relations in general.

giant fossilized shells in Enchanted Cave

 And then the lighthouse!!! We spent some time taking pictures there since the sun was already setting with extra wonderful colors. It would be a waste if we were to leave without beautiful silhouette photos!

Bolinao Lighthouse against an electrifyingly clear blue sky

 And until the time the sun had fully disappeared down the horizon we stayed at Patar Beach. I love how the brown yet light sands felt against my skin. My buddy and I buried ourselves in the sand for a while before fnally leaving the place with smiles on our faces.

sunset at Patar Beach

We had dinner at our gracious host's house and after that, a cousin of my officemate accompanied me and my buddy to the town feria. I'm not a big fan of fairs but it's nice to once in a while see for myself what goes in there.

town fair (photo credit: Hannah D.)

darts (photo credit: Hannah D.)

The fair hosted a lot of rides and I do not even know nor recall the names. I only went for the ferris wheel which got me a headache afterwards. I did got 4 out of 5 shots in the darts, winning a pack of cheap chips for it. Then I took advantage of the karaoke machine and sang two songs: Join the Club's Nobela and F4's Meteor Rain. What is nice about singing here is that people do not know your ugly voice and so will not remember you if ever you go back. LOL

Sooooo, who wouldn't love Bolinao???

Manaoag: Pangasinan Mapping Part 1

After a quick mapping of Binmaley, we went to Dagupan for a quick lunch at a carinderia in the transportation hub. It's got my favorite adobong pusit and the free bulalo soup was one of the best I've had.

We hopped on a van to Manaoag which is known for its church Our Lady of the Most Holy Rosary of Manaoag. I've been there when I was a high school student when I was still a super devout Catholic. My mom and her Catholic friends had a sort of field trip then and she took me with her. She told me amazing stories about how photos of the image of the Virgin Mary would appear blank. At that time, I didn't own any camera so poor me couldn't try it out.

The moment we saw the church, we were overwhelmed to see a big crowd. It felt like visiting Antipolo Church in May! And the immediate surroundings of the church! How commerce seemed to fluorish as one sees many products being sold: woven stuffs, fans, oils, religious articles, candles... I was baffled at how people can consider doing business in a sacred place.

Church of Manaoag

 The past few weeks prior, I had also been busy looking for a travel buddy to go to Manaoag with me since I have been so desperately in need of miracles at this time in my life while the Light is slowly fading and I felt helpless. This was the perfect chance to participate in mass and I asked my buddy if she could map on her own while I stayed inside the church. We were to meet after an hour.

choir loft

 She said yes and so I was able to hear Sunday mass. I always consider it important to visit churches when I travel and to hear mass as much as possible. In Manaoag, I offered a fervent prayer, hoping for a big miracle.

altar

 I don't know if the Heavens will grant my prayers but I have decided early on that whatever happens, it is the Will of the Heavens and I dare not contest it. I have put my faith in the Supreme Being knowing His immense goodness.

exposed bricks at the Parish Office

As we leave Manaoag, I remember a favorite Bible verse: To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

Previous: Binmaley: Pangasinan Mapping Part 1
Also read: Lingayen, Pangasinan Mapping Part 1

Binmaley: Pangasinan Mapping Part 1

While on our way to Dagupan from Lingayen by bus, we passed by heritage houses and so my buddy and I decided to get off at Binmaley first to do one quick survey before heading to Dagupan.

Triangle

At first glance at the church you will see nothing special. But what made us stay was the belfry. The belltower has exposed bricks and you can easily see its old age. For both me and my buddy, it's a beautiful wonder.

Parish of Our lady of the Purification, Binmaley

chandelier

Would you believe that despite it looking crumbly it's still strong? We climbed the tower but not all the way up because the ladder was scary. >.<

Binmaley churchtower

We also got to enter a heritage house here. At first the owner was hesitant to let us in but I used my charm (okay I don't have any charm... I don't know what convinced him!). So anyway, we got a little tour of the house but I'm not posting pics here in my blog as part of the agreement. It's still a private residence so I respect that.

Previous: Lingayen, Pangasinan Mapping Part 1

Next: Manaoag: Pangasinan Mapping Part 1