Prisoner's Dilemma

A few years back, I came across a funny article on IR that compares the discipline to romantic relationships. Many disciplines actually teach a lot about relationships, mainly economics and politics, and better the combination of both: political economy.

I just finished reading Stephanie Lawson's 2015 "Theories of International Relations", something which I should have read and digested prior to taking up Asian Studies. Yes, I was able to survive two grueling years in the program where I almost expired on the last semester because I took 12 units, 6 units of core courses, and 6 units of Arabic. It was a suicidal move but then it now gives me inspiration and reminds me that a strong woman will always be a strong woman. The book is very well written, offering all the major theories while explaining briefly the many strands together with their proponents. One strength of the book is that it offers historical episodes which are analyzed from relevant theories' POV and thus offering readers a welcome into the complexities of IR and that there are no simply black and white, but a long stretch of different shades of gray. Lawson is also able to fit in major Western philosophical traditions into political science and IR but sadly lacks more examples of non-Western IR thought except perhaps brief descriptions of Occidentalism, Afrocentrism and negritude, and Asian Values. As always one can easily say that the book is very Western although the author is very much conscious of it and even explains that whether we like it or not, such is the prevailing IR theories at the moment since non-Westerners may just mirror these Western IR theories while passing them off as non-Western. I encounter the same observation in my other book which focuses on Asian philosophical traditions' influence on IR theory-building. I was able to read only a few chapters because it was a difficult read with so many concepts and -isms that this girl has very little idea of. Or maybe, the struggle is due to us scholars being indoctrinated with Western thought that we now bear little affinity with our Asian roots, a predicament that I seek to rectify by immersing myself in largely Asian cultural products nowadays to somehow get into and better understand Asia's zeitgeists.

So anyway, about Prisoner's Dilemma. It is a classic example in game theory which I first encountered while an Archaeology student. I remember wanting to cry back then because I felt like I should have chosen economics for my undergraduate instead. I just found this idea very simple and very rooted in human behavior. So basically in connection to the realist tradition in IR, states are said to be locked in the same dilemma when they see their neighboring state getting stronger. So they need to prepare also in case something happens. Clearly this speaks of lack of communication and trust, two important foundations for a peaceful relationship.

Sounds familiar? In romantic relationships, one can never stress trust and communication too much. The thing with lovers' quarrel (LQ) is that one party sees something which for him/her is a threat to the relationship. Of course, this may just be due to false assumptions. So when this doubting party does not open up and communicate, it will behave is a rather weird manner which will trigger something in the other party. In the end the two parties will both be fighting over something that may just be a misunderstanding in the first place and the fight could have been prevented if the two are open and are confident enough to communicate their thoughts and feelings. But pride gets in the way. Same as in the prisoner's dilemma wherein a party is afraid of being taken advantage of, demonstrating a lack of trust for the other, thus will potentially choose to benefit himself/ herself.

Looking back, in my relationship with A, it has always been me who was the giver. Well, he did treat me to a number of restaurants, but that doesn't count much as I can certainly pay for myself. I always communicated my misgivings, always letting him see how his actions affect me and our relationship with the hope and trust that if he truly values our relationship, he will do something about it. In the end, I was surprised to learn that he kept a lot to himself until he couldn't take it. That shows that although he tells me he trusts me, he has been lying all along and that he was just leading me on. He misses the point of TRUST which is trusting that your partner is mature to be able to talk serious and awkward things with you. His lousy excuse was that he was afraid I will be angry. Of course people will be angry, people have emotions after all. But it is in talking things out that anger can also dissipate. By not opening up, problems will arise and trust will erode. And so in my eyes, he just played me, because at the start, trust and open communications were what I specifically asked for which he did not have the guts to give to me. 

Q at least is more honest, though I think still not 100%. I still feel that he has a lot of insecurities and still hasn't told me his complete story yet, although he says that he is not an insecure person. One thing I appreciate is him telling me that he will never lie to me, which I have learned, should be taken with a grain of salt. I think I have done quite a lot to get people to open up and meeting halfway is always a rule I abide by. It can get tiring to always be the one who understands. No wonder strong, deep people usually commit suicide, because people around them always think it's okay to take strong people for granted. And when this happens always, even the strongest of persons will fall into a state of depression that this world is not suited for him/ her.

Love Forever (Ragnarok Online)

Last week, while COVID-19 lockdown (aka ECQ/ Enhanced Community Quarantine) is on its second week, J sent me a music video of "Love Forever". I wasn't familiar with the song but a quick search shows that it is from the massively popular MMORPG Ragnarok Online. Unfortunately I did not play the game although it did attract me a lot when I was in highschool because of the super cute characters and poring! But I was a poor kid back then, I had to rely on making and selling reviewers for my batchmates to earn money, and the money earned went straight to my college fund. Back then, I was so afraid that my parents would not let me study in college because of their super backward thinking that girls should remain at home, that girls will eventually just get married so an education is not at all needed. But I think it's just a pretext and the very reason they didn't want me, especially my mother, to get higher education was because I outshone my brothers and it was a big blow to her ego as we three girls were raised by our nanny, my dearest yaya. So anyway, early on, all the money that ever came to me was sure to be for my education, and I just contented myself with anime DVDs which I borrowed from friends, so playing R.O which required prepaid cards was out of the question. That, plus paying for prepaid internet cards.

"Love Forever" is actually a duet and the song talks of two lovers who can't see each other and although separated, never cease to think of the other and to wish to go to where the other is. It's a cute song. Later on, I found another duet mixing Mandarin and Japanese, which I readily shared to J. So here I am reproducing the lyrics in the CN-JP version together with my own translation.

蔚藍的天　雲化成你的臉        Blue skies, the clouds transform into your face
你的笑　你的眼　又佔據我的視線   Your smile and your eyes occupy my vision again
暫停時間　沒有離別想念        Time is paused and thoughts where there is no separation
守候在你身邊　直到永遠        Stay by your side forever

空に浮かんだ雲なら   If I were a cloud that floats in the sky
あなたにも屆くの      then I can follow you to be by your side
別忘記　我們共同的誓言  Do not forget our promise
この空の(天空的)　那一片藍天  This sky, this blue sky
追逐到永遠                         We will chase it until forever

Forever In My Heart
不管距離多麼遠     No matter the distance
未來の幸せを夢みてる We will dream of the future together
飛到你的身邊　傾訴著我的思念 I will fly to your side and will pour out my thoughts
我和你的愛戀　ふたリの愛と(兩人的愛) Our love, the two of us will love until forever.
愛直到永遠                            
Love Forever

細語耳邊　在夢醒的晨間        Waking up in the morning with a gentle whisper 
你的吻　你的戀　又在我心裡盤旋 Your kiss and your love still linger in my heart
寄語藍天　傳遞我的心願      I send my heart's desire to the blue sky
回到那一瞬間　期待不變      To go back to that moment and wait unchanged

空に羽ばたく鳥なら          If I were a small bird flying in the sky
あなたへと飛ベるの    then I can fly straight to your arms
只要你　此刻就在我懷間   Only you are in my mind at this very moment
この空の(青空中的)　飛翔在藍天 This sky, flying in this blue sky
一直到永遠                       until forever

Forever In My Heart
不管距離多麼遠      No matter the distance
再び會える日を信じてる I still dream of the day when we can embrace each other
飛到你的身邊　傾訴著我的思念   I will fly to your side and pour out my feelings
我和你的愛戀　ふたリの愛と Our love, the two of us will love until forever.
愛直到永遠
Love Forever

Forever In My Heart
不管距離多麼遠     No matter the distance
未來の幸せを夢みてる We will dream of the future together
飛到你的身邊　傾訴著我的思念 I will fly to your side and will pour out my thoughts
我和你的愛戀　ふたリの愛と(兩人的愛) Our love, the two of us will love until forever.
愛直到永遠                            
Love Forever

So I have been listening to this song for about a week already and it made me realize that for some reason, the songs he shares to me somehow become meaningful. Last month, he shared Yuna Ito's "Trust You" which I first thought was a cover of Megumi Hayashibara's song of the same name, the ending song of Shaman King, a beloved anime from my childhood. And I started to listen to the song no end that when we met for karaoke with my friends, I was able to sing it with him.

I like getting songs from people. I'd like to think that what they're sharing is not just the music that moved them, but that they send the song as a heartfelt message when their own words fail them. But I also know that I should be careful not to read too much in these gestures. The world is full of heartbreakers and I cannot afford to have my heart broken again, not when I have successfully picked up the pieces. I must remember his words on an unforgettable February 14, when he gave me a single rose bud which he bought from the sidewalk on his way to SM North EDSA while I waited for almost two hours for him. As he handed it to me together with a brown bag, he said that the rose is for me so that I will feel in one with the crowd since almost every girl's getting one. The brown bag is from his mother, a hair curler packaged in Japanese. I thought, how untimely since I just cut my hair that morning, only to realize later on that it was timely after all since my hair can be wild when short. When later on I thanked his mom in person, she said it was to test if the curler works. So okay. I really should not read too much.

I mean, I don't want to get delusional again and think that there is something special going on with me and J. He himself told me that he was not ready for a relationship after being traumatized by his past relationships. So that in itself already tells to my face a big NO. So I am again left wondering why boys come to me in the first place, make me feel special, and then tell me they have no desire to be in a relationship. I've heard that before and it is all too familiar. It's their polite way of saying they don't like me as a romantic partner. I wish they can be brutally frank like me to make it all easier. So all the more reason to keep my heart guarded because I am noticing the same pattern. It might just be another disastrous affair that will leave me feeling bankrupt and empty in the end. I don't want to go through another hellish of questioning myself and justifying to myself that they are just the wrong guys and that the right man has not yet come. How do you know which one is the right man unless you dive into the cesspool of dating?

So many questions. The overanalyzer in me is revived. The tears have already begun...

Insensitive X 等你下课

Last night I was reading some articles on Chinese media and in between, was listening to Jann Arden's "Insensitive" and 周杰伦's "等你下课". I have heard both songs many times, "Insensitive" maybe n the radio, and "Waiting for You" at the height of my obsession with Jay Chou's albums a few years after graduating from college. In Bicol, while having dinner in a bar restaurant, a band with sexy singers sang "Insensitive" and it never left my mind since. Now, I know many songs but I unfortunately do not know the titles, but it should happen that while eating a bowl of roast duck noodles on Wednesday night, this song was playing and I took note of the chorus' lyrics then searched for the song upon arriving at my flat. And voila, I put the song on loop in preparation for some karaoke night. Tonight actually, J invited me out to karaoke with his friends but the meetup was at 6:30PM and I only read his message at past 6PM so I said no. It could have been the perfect moment to sing this song. 

So remembering Jay Chou again, I searched for one of his earlier works which is 等你下课. And damn it, watching the animated video as well as the live version broke my heart to pieces. I ended up crying so hard late at night. I can very well imagine the pain of being unnoticed by someone you like, even after all the efforts you have exerted to win his/her attention, and even affection. I came to reflect on what happened in Sagada in 2017 when a doctor  who was part of the volunteer team found it incredible that I regarded boys as uncaring. He just came from a breakup which I knew nothing of, and the reason was that his ex did not put in much effort in the relationship, or so he complains. Oh well, as I would always say, we only hear his side of the story. He might be doing something that pisses the girl off and I should know because once a girl no longer cares, it only means that the guy messed up. Then again, that's just  in my opinion because I'm the kind of person who loves fully and if I like a person I would go to great lengths to do things for him/her (applicable to friends also!). 

And it got me thinking of the many things I have already done for J this early. Relationship experts always caution girls to feign indifference and let men chase after them I've broken all the rules before and it indeed ended in tragedy, with me feeling resentful for allowing myself to be used by an evil person who uses people instead of caring and cherishing them. In the end, after he finally broke off with me for real after graduating, I resolved never to go back. Months later, he had the guts to message me and ask if he could use my credit card to make a phone purchase. I was dumb-founded to find a real living person who is so full of himself and so entitled still to my resources even after all the things that he did to me. But shortly after, I laughed it off as something so pathetic. There is no chance that I will go back to the hell I survived. I even unfriended all his family members on Facebook but not without having the decency to tell his youngest sister that I needed to do it for my peace of mind. She asked if her brother and I had a fight. I have expected that he didn't say a word to them but I gracefully told her that whatever happened is between the two of us and I asked that both our privacy be respected (I felt like a showbiz personality saying that. LOL.) Anyway, it felt good that despite me wanting to bitch out on him, I chose the high road and I think that was the time I knew that I have finally achieved sweet nirvana when I thought that moving on was impossible. 

Sometimes I get paranoid and imagine what if all men are like that, what if J turns out to be like him? I am already starting to like him and have started to express my emotions slowly and so does he but he never says anything along the lines of "I like you". He  would instead comment that I always look beautiful in our photos, which he takes using his phone coz his camera is way better than mine. He is always the perfect gentleman and I hope it's not just because of upbringing but more so because he's having feelings for me, too. But then I stopped asking too many questions after he threw back the same question I asked on NYE. I liked him more when he came over and spent Chinese New Year at home because I invited him for dinner. I cooked chicken dumpling soup and asam pedas. My sister also cooked that night and her lohanchay was good, thank God! J brought peanut butter ice cream which we didn't get to eat until today because it was too soft. So anyway, he already met my mom and my two sisters. It was a good thing my father was out that night as he is a very difficult person.

08152019

While I am not one to travel for less than five days, I found myself saying yes to an unusual invitation from a former classmate.

We used to sit in the same class on my last semester in college. In that class, I was almost always late because I had to run from the gym (I had table tennis for PE) to my home college. My normal attire then was my UP PE shirt and the volleyball jersey shorts given to me by a highschool friend, and rubber shoes. Since I was usually the last one to enter the classroom, I had the special seat reserved for me, that seat which students would not dare take because it is the one nearest to the professor's table. Good thing I had no qualms about it and have never been intimidated even by terror professors. In fact, most of my classmates admired me for my ability to approach even the most feared of professors and to ask uncomfortable questions. So anyway, those times, that former classmate and I never spoke to each other. Just plain hi or hello. He was always seated between his two friends, one was friendly towards me, the other was a noisy guy in class. I remember being amused with those three because they seldom did homework and yet they endeared themselves to our professors by means of class participation and jokes.

This former classmate and I became Facebook friends but we never had any meaningful interactions save for a few likes of posts or photos, and at one time, he invited me to his house to celebrate his birthday but I wasn't able to attend. In fact, I had no plans of attending because I was afraid of being out of place since I am not like people my age who drink and party a lot. Also because back when we were classmates, I had a little crush on him and I stay away from my crushes because I saw crushes as threats to my peace.

So it came as a big surprise when a week after his birthday, he chatted me up on Facebook and asked if I was in Manila. Friends ask this same question whenever they want to meet and so they check first if I'm even in the metro. I don't know what spirit possessed me at that time or maybe it was out of reflex, I replied "yeah, wanna meet up?" And we agreed to have dinner near my workplace. I was able to keep myself calm upon seeing him. He used to be my crush and whenever I saw him in class I couldn't help but think that he must be a very nice person and a shy one at that. When I first saw him that time at the mall, I was surprised to find his size more than doubled. But he looked way more approachable now compared to the slimmer him. He used to resemble the Korean version of Domyouji (played by Lee Min Ho) and I happen to like guys with curly/ wavy hair, makes them look so hot and sexy. Later on, I thought to myself, maybe if he was still the same size when I first met him, I wouldn't have agreed to go out because he would seem like a threat to my peace, and that is the last thing I wanted after having just moved on successfully.

His pick: YAYOI. Awesome Japanese food. It's easy to see that I am a consumer of Japanese culture and cuisine.

It was a simple catch up. I was a bit nervous because I really knew nothing about him except that he travels way more often compared to me. So I had to make sure to stick to safe topics and he also made me feel at ease. He talked about his family and I was surprised at how he seems to be comfortable talking about his childhood trauma to me, a mere classmate who hasn't seen him in almost a decade. I could very well relate since my family is pretty toxic, also. But at least I had my yaya who was my source of comfort in this cold dark world. I told him about my potted plants and how I would love to own a piece of land just so I can have my own vegetable garden.

My sister and I had agreed to go home together and when she got tired of shopping, which is unusual BTW, she texted me asking when are we going to finish. So we had to part ways and I even forgot his name when I introduced him to my sister. (It was super embarrassing but nothing can compare to  what happened late last year when I went out with a guy whose family is friends with my brother's fiancée. We had lots to talk about because we both travel a lot and after getting dinner and some ice cream, we exchanged numbers only to find out we both forgot each other's names! How awkward and stupid was that! I still laugh when ever I tell that story to my friends.) So J mumbled his complete name which is rather long and I find it cute and I really didn't comprehend half of it but I suddenly remembered his nickname! My sister asked me again his full name when we were headed to the van terminal and I just said, I forgot. Shucks.

So anyway, I didn't want to give it much thought except I am happy that someone from my past without much connection to me reached out and went out with me. It felt like my reconnection project after finishing my post-graduate diploma studies. Weeks after, I invited him to watch movies at a film festival but he declined due to an emergency. We lost contact for a while and out of nowhere he messaged me and asked me to travel with him just because he found me one very cool person. (Spending New Year's Eve with him up until daybreak of 2020, I remembered to ask him what he meant by "cool" then and he said that I was fun to be with. The same comment I get from my male friends who just want to hang out but never did try to pursue me romantically.) So in October of 2019, we went to Albay together with my roommate in Penang, a girl whom I eventually regretted bringing with us because she was overly dependent on us and cared only about herself. We stayed in his house the night before our early morning flight and he cooked fish curry for us. He used pampano and it was really good, except I would have preferred a spicy version. That was the first time I saw how cool J was. And he became an even cooler person in my eyes because he never complained even when we stayed in a non-AC room, even when in Rapu-Rapu Island we never did any of the touristy stuff and had simple meals in the local carinderia. We swam in what the locals call "Look" which is a bay facing the open sea. It was pretty safe, not much waves. I saw how strong he is when we hiked to the waterfalls and back. I wanted to hug him if only because he reminds me of my favorite panda Po, as he tried to keep up with us. In order to make the hike a bit entertaining and less tiresome, I played sweeper so I could keep an eye on him in case something happens and sang animé songs like my favorite Fields of Hope. The objective was to lighten up the atmosphere because I was thinking maybe he didn't like all the strenuous activity. I was surprised he knew the song! And I think I began to like him when we did some karaoke with the locals and it turned out that he is karaoke king! WOW! I once told myself, I wanted to be with someone musically inclined and who knows how to cook. Maybe he is sent by the heavens to me.

I finally got to see the majestic almost perfect cone of Mt. Mayon, pride of Bicol.

Never mind that he didn't greet me on my birthday. Never mind that he still hasn't handed to me the dried fish he bought in Seoul in September as of this writing. But when I was asking around who'd love to go with me to a concert where Ben&Ben would be performing, he was the only one who said yes. We had early dinner at High Grounds in Timog area. He said he used to play computer games there. The café has really cool fusion food. He planned to treat me but I was almost 30 minutes late so I volunteered to pay the bill. I´m so happy to find someone who´s super passionate about music and who can understand me whenever I talk about why I love this kind of music and why not that kind of music. We shared a cup of DQ ice cream during the concert and after that, went for some milk tea, my first time to taste Macao Imperial. Then we headed to a cool karaoke place where the mic seems to beautify everything. We did 2 hours and he dropped me off at our village gate at 3AM, the latest I went home to since we moved to the north. Before arriving home, I managed to ask him if he has plans of settling down and he said, if given the chance, why not.

The sunset as viewed from our simple room in Rapu-Rapu Island

The next few days saw us becoming closer in chats. I was starting to feel at ease with this guy who´s just so talented and so kind I cried a couple of times whenever I remember stories of his exes. Of course everything was from his POV but then imagining the abuses he´s had suffered from different people, my heart hurt for him and I cried. Why do people hurt good people and love bad people? Everytime we're together and remember all the pain he's been through, I wanted to hug him and protect his happiness, seeing that he is a very nice person although he has numerous flaws of his own. I was thinking what if years back I had been bold enough to be friendly with him, what if I attended his birthday party in 2013, what if I confessed to him back then? On second thought, looking back, me during my undergraduate years is an angry girl and I might not be able to give him the love and care he deserved.

Bicol's famous chili ice cream at 1st Colonial (NAIA T3): I had the spiciest one. He had the less spicy version. 

I invited him to jog around UP but we ended up walking and going on a mini food trip. That was fine. I actually foresaw that already. We talked more about relationships, his past mistakes which he regrets so much. I asked how his brother is doing after a sudden breakup with his fiancée. Out of the blue, he said that marriage is just something society expects from us and all the postmodern stuff. It made me sad, because it seemed like suddenly he changed his mind about marriage. While right now I am still ambivalent about marriage, I am pretty sure I'd want to have children of my own, although at times I fear that bringing them into this world might be a bad idea because of the chaos and the prevalence of heartless, robotic humans. At this point I was surprised to learn that he wrote a children's book. We talked about poetry and songs and how he likes Sylvia Plath and postmodern stuff and I said I like Romantic ones like Wordsworth, Blake, Becquer and that I care about the form and structure of the poem as much as I care about the message.

We didn't see each for days and on the 31st, I picked up the courage to ask him if he's free to hang out. At that time, I have noticed that I was always the one who's taking the initiative to ask him out and to plan activities together and I was kind of thinking that maybe he is just being polite when he tells me he enjoys being with me. He never asked me out except for the trip that we planned together. So I was thinking maybe this time he will decline because NYE is kind of special and if he declines, that will be the last time I will be proactive. He was more than happy to see me but he asked to meet up after their family dinner, which is understandable. As for me, I panicked when I later on realized that establishments close very early. I asked him if he wanted to postpone to a later date instead because we didn't have anywhere to hang out in and he asked his friends around and one couple agreed to take us in. So he picked me up and together we spent NYE and first hours of 2020 together. It made me feel special but I do not want to assume anything since he never said he liked me. Everything just happened so fast and I just want to relax and see how it goes.

When Night is Falling (1995)

I've met many lesbians in my life and at one point was mistaken for a lesbian although I did harbor intense feelings for a certain girl, a Black Beauty, whose strange combination of poised elegance and naive awkwardness fascinated me. For a few months I obsessed over her until I came to know that she likes someone else so I just buried myself in work, but not before writing THIS REVIEW OF "Goethe" while in the process of getting over that infatuation. Prior to that, I also "loved" a former French professor, a chubby fellow otaku who wore high heels and mini skirts and whose, again, strange combination of deep monkish compassion and weird mannerisms endeared her to me. ("Loved" because later on, I realized it was more of admiration of the highest kind for this differently sexy woman who made me feel that I was not alone in my feelings of aloofness in our supposedly party-loving department.) This former professor served as an inspiration when I wrote THIS POEM. I never was (and still never is) close to any professors but she was one of a kind because she reached out to me although I was not the best student in French class.

So many times in my life I have encountered many girls who like people from the same sex. Some were very pretty you would be surprised to find that they have girlfriends, who are, also very pretty. Some are very girly that you will find it hard to believe they don't care about boys. Some obviously swings to that direction although I've also had my fair share of being taken by surprise when some of my boyish-looking girl friends turn out to be just THAT. I didn't see those coming because I myself prefers comfy not so girly clothes (i.e. plain T-shirt and knee-length shorts, sometimes jersey shorts from my athletic days in highschool) and I don't judge girls who wear the same clothes I prefer wearing. When a girl friend started to become touchy and I started to become uncomfortable, I had to confront her and then BOOM came the confession. I evaded her for a time but later on realized that I valued our friendship more than anything and cleared up misunderstandings with her.

And then I dated a guy (who eventually dropped me like a hot potato because it turns out he has eyes on just about any woman he meets) who, in order to not make me jealous of  his exes whom he mentioned a lot, would emphasize that they turned to lesbianism and now have women partners. Like, I don't really need to hear that stuff. And then while reading an article on Thai sexualities and nunhood, I found it interesting that a theory of mine must be true--- that some of those who turned to lesbianism have had bad experiences with men that they have dropped the idea of ever engaging in romantic relationships with the opposite sex--- which, admittedly crossed my mind the many times we had petty fights.

When I saw "When Night is Falling" in my HD, I thought to myself, okay, perfect movie. Let's see what this will offer me. The main character, Camille, started out as a hetero with a boyfriend. The two of them are a power couple in a religious college and were up for promotion although right at the beginning of the movie we get the hint that Camille will eventually go to "the other side". Camille preaches change and dynamism whereas her boyfriend Martin teaches stability and certainty. That change began when Camille met Petra, a freedom-loving girl who has more sense and more passion for life, compared to Camille's dull, very academic and rational approach to life. There was that initial resistance but eventually Camille gave in to Petra's seduction and persistent efforts. And the two even had a petty fight when Petra led her to be the center of everyone's attention while dancing and she was laughed at by Petra's circus buddies.

Petra, the beautiful seductress

Despite their lovemaking in a circus setting, the rich red velvet gives off an air of royalty

 Camille: That was vulgar!
Petra: It was not, Camille, it was just fun.
Camille: It was tasteless and crass. (...) I (...) don't like being laughed at.
Petra: (...) If you can't handle real fun here, what'll you do if you're gonna meet fuckers who start making fun of you, huh? Coz they will, you know.
Camille: Not if you show a little dignity.
Petra: Dignity? Whoa! What could be more dignified than dancing with the person I adore?

Petra and Camille make up after a misunderstanding

Camille's reaction is very familiar. It's a reaction that cheaters make because they are "committed" to someone and yet are suddenly flirting with another. On the other hand, Petra's last words are those of a sincere lover who is proud to be with the person she genuinely likes. She was hurt by Camille's burst of anger when she felt as if she were just a little secret never to be exposed. And it got me thinking of the many times my ex and I would "date" and we were supposed to be together but it felt like dating the air because his thoughts were elsewhere and most times he would distance himself from me, as if he was afraid someone would see the two of us together. Very suspicious indeed. And my suspicions were confirmed when he helped another girl by using my work and told that girl that "we used to date", "used to" when in fact we were still going out at that time. I was stupid to trust him after that but our relationship went downhill from there because I found myself unable to trust this man, until one night several months later after we watched a movie, I sent him a long email telling him I quit. He tried A LITTLE to oppose but I knew it was just for show. All his empty talk about me being "family" was proven many times over to be a lie. As I would always tell him, you don't treat family as trash. You treat family right, with respect. (And I write this to remind myself everyday never ever to let anyone treat me the way he treated me, to walk away from every toxic relationship before it totally destroys me.)

So going back to the movie... Martin eventually found out about the affair and was crushed. As I say, it's not only boys who cheat, there are also many immature girls out there who do not have "fidelity" in their vocabulary. I was just super unlucky to have loved someone who was victimized by liars and so I think that's why he couldn't bring himself to fully love me, BECAUSE HE HASN"T GOTTEN OVER HIS PAST. And I am also inclined to think that a big part of the blame is on him, knowing how selfish and manipulative he is. Of course I never met any of his exes... all of them are conveniently abroad (or rather the few he told me about). I wouldn't want to discover his other "adventures".

Do I think I will also engage in same sex relationships? Probably not. I still believe that there are decent men out there who are single. And when I finally meet him, I am sure to do everything in my power to make him a greater man, as he will make me a greater woman. Dragons are harbingers of good luck after all. 

Dueles

Lately been listening to Latin American songs and top of my list is Jesse and Joy as always. This song, "Dueles" I can relate to a lot especially lately when I have been having dreams of my dearest yaya and my ex, both whom I loved (and still love) but they left anyway. My yaya passed away two years ago. The ex just decided he doesn't want me in his life and doesn't see any good in me anymore. The same with me after all the lies and half-truths, the disrespect, and the eventual loss of affection. But lately I cry more because in moments of loneliness I miss my yaya, I miss her goodness, her silent strength, and most of all, her love for me.

Cuando estabas junto a mi 

Nuestra luz era celestial 
Que más podía pedir 
Encontré la felicidad

Sin aviso 
Nuestro paraíso nos dejo 
Y ahora tu recuerdo 
Me hace sombra al corazón

Hoy se cumple un mes 
Que ya no me ves, te fuiste nada más 
Quisiste renunciar a quererme 
Y como dueles 
Mientras pienso en ti y en lo que perdí 
Quisiera evitar, a verme permitido amarte 
Para perderte y me dueles, como dueles

Los golpes en la piel 
Dejan marca y después se van 
Se van, se van, se van 
Pero me rompiste en dos 
Y no encuentro reparación

Sin aviso 
Nuestro paraíso nos dejo 
Y ahora tu recuerdo 
Me hace sombra al corazón

Hoy se cumple un mes 
Que ya no me ves, te fuiste nada más 
Quisiste renunciar 
A quererme y como dueles

Mientras pienso en ti y en lo que perdí 
Quisiera evitar, haberme permitido amarte 
Para perderte y me dueles, como dueles

Ve a ser libre y a ser feliz 
Ya da lo mismo aquí 
Mi gozo alguien que conocí 
Si aun extraño y el olor del jenosi

Hoy se cumple un mes 
Que ya no me ves, te fuiste nada más 
Quisiste renunciar a quererme 
Y me dueles

Mientras pienso en ti y en lo que perdí 
Quisiera evitar, a verme permitido amarte 
Y no sabes cuanto dueles, dueles, dueles 
Me dueles, como dueles

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This week while at an ice cream parlor by the beach, I heard this song playing and something again hurt inside. No matter what I do, I wonder why I can't move on? >.<

And now your memories makes my heart sad...

Rainbow or Stars... Or Neither?

Tonight maybe we'll see stars in the rain...

It rained last night. And the tears fell. When hectic days are about to end following more than a month of cleaning and packing and unpacking and reorganizing, loneliness creeps in. I realize that I never stopped thinking of him. I got used to him calling me almost every night and I have formed the habit of checking my phone every now and then, but since late last month, I have been ding my best to get busy. I consider myself lucky because friends were there for me. Friends whom I thought wouldn't care, would chat me every now and then to check up on me. I think they're doing it to get me distracted, to help me get over this painful heartbreak. It took a whole lot of me to push through with it, because everytime we are together, my heart overflows with love and affection but I always end up getting pushed away. He pushed me away far too many times, and each time he did, I was also distancing myself twice as more until I finally understood and just accepted that he doesn't want me in his life. It sucks, to have thought that maybe he was different but he's just like any other player out there. The games and all, me asking why he hates me so much, why he came to me int my life only to ruin my peace? Why all the mind games, why all the cycles of push and pull, all the drama that he created and doesn't want to be responsible for.

We're going in circles again...

Last night while doing some research for two major reports, I happened to fall asleep, my phone back to silent mode since I no longer expect anyone to call me. I don't want to keep expecting him to call me, I don't want to see myself disappointed again. I woke up in a groggy state but with just enough energy to shut down my machine and go to sleep properly. And then I checked my phone.

Rainbow or stars? How could I ever be afraid?

I had one missed call last night. The log registered his name. And the tears came. 

A flood of memories came crashing all over me. The first time he held my hand, the first time he laid my head on his shoulders in the bus, the first time we traveled together, the first time he kissed me, so suddenly that I was surprised and he thought I evaded it... The first time he introduced me to his brothers and friends, the first (and last) time we jogged and biked together, the first time I stepped in his second homeland, the first time he cooked for me, the first time we cooked together... Painfully sweet memories. 

And equally painfully bitter memories of the first time he shrugged my hand off,  the first time he betrayed me followed by many more betrayals, the first time he walked away from me, the first time I discovered I wasn't special to him at all because he would also cook for other women, the first time I realized he was an expert in manipulating people but I was too blinded by love, the first time I realized he was draining the life out of me... And trust, one of the big foundations, eroded. And acceptance, another important foundation, became an issue. To what extend can you accept a person's flaws? Because some flaws are pardonable in love, and certainly some are not. 

Beyond the bright lights, when it's all over, I see.

I fought the urge to ring his phone, like what I used to do whenever I missed his calls. He would reprimand me to always have my phone by my side because what if there is an emergency call I need to take? But my sleepiness got the better of me. I remember the many times I asked for favors only to fall on deaf ears. Empty words of wanting to be with me, but I realized, it was only because I was fun to be with. (My male friends used to tell me they liked being with me, but ours were more like brothers and sister.) I felt offended whenever he would tell me he doesn't want any drama, that he wants us to be happy always. Yet he was also the one who destroyed that "happiness". I gave up trying to comprehend his definition of happiness, because for me it apparently means only his happiness, mine is out of the equation. I couldn't be myself, I was losing myself, slowly in a  way that is heart-breaking. If I had to mask my real self, then he clearly does not want me, but the version of me that he idealized in his mind.

Tonight maybe I'll see the stars in the rain.

Rain fell again this afternoon. Hours later, I discovered this song while looking around for songs in Youtube. Tears fell again. Everything is sinking in. This is the difficult part, when you have to fight with every ounce of strength you have, fight off these feelings, fight off the reasons that made you love him so much because even though there were so many of them, they're all just part of the past. The present is more important.

And looking back we never exchanged vows. I did, but he never did. I vowed never to hurt him, vowed to always wait for him. I have not yet sworn to the moon so I can certainly take back my vows with the realization that love is never enough. In the end, I had to accept that what we had was only an imaginary relationship. I thought it was real, it wasn't for him. It took me more than a year to understand that simple yet important principle. 

So I am walking away on my own. No need for him to push me away.

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It still is a miracle to find myself at the top of my game at work and in school even under these circumstances. I have slowed down a bit, but I can definitely and proudly say that UP has instilled in me a strong sense of honor and excellence, strong foundations that will not easily be broken. But then, I feel that I have lost my spirit. 

Sagada Memories: Stories

On the third week of June, I joined a coffee-planting volunteer work in Sagada. It was the perfect time to unwind, to go somewhere far where I had been and meet new people in the process. I was a bit heartbroken a few days prior because for the nth time, he hurt my feelings. Many would say that I am too sensitive. I do admit that, but it's only because I take great care not to offend nor hurt the ones I love that I expect the same from them. This June opened my eyes to the reality that he never loved me. He never cared for me and he never respected me. As I have said in my previous post, he is just a pretentious boy who has to rely on deceit to get by. Strong people would never resort to such lowly tactics because strong people protect, they do not hurt other people. So if there is one truth he said, it is that he is weak. He can brag about his many achievements, but those things do not define a  man; relations do, being a mindful and compassionate person does.

A few days before I left for Sagada, we met up because he needed help and I, as usual, wanted to be there for him. Only to be disrespected. We met his friends and they were talking in their own native language, without even thinking if I felt out of place. I can catch some of the words thanks to my training in Bahasa but most I do not comprehend. I felt so sleepy (as usual) after our dinner at a simple eatery. The place serves really good grilled stuff mostly grilled chicken (no squid though...). I got offended when he invited his FEMALE friend (whom he says is already engaged.. or married? I don't care) to swim at his place, WHEN HE NEVER INVITED ME. And he was just super insensitive and kept on asking me what's wrong with me. A boy can never comprehend a woman when he refuses to take the effort to. Then came one of the most heartbreaking part when he left me alone in the streets at night all of a sudden, bringing my backpack down on the ground and walking away to hail a cab. At least he was still nice enough to carry my heavy backpack that night (#sarcasm).

But we patched things up that night. Yet after that night, things were never the same again. I didn't even cry when it happened. It opened my eyes that I was dating an immature boy who only cares about himself. He says I was controlling him. He was swallowed by paranoia, thinking that me helping him meant I wanted to control him. It only made me see that the relationship is really going nowhere. He never did trust me, despite him always saying he does so. That incident made me rethink our relationship, made me question my choices to love him with all my heart. You can always love a person, but should stop when that person refuses to be loved. Take it or leave it, there's no in-between.

So going back to Sagada, which should be the heart of this post: the night of my departure, I told him I was in the bus terminal, hoping he would come visit me even for a while to see me off. Nothing of the sort happened. Stubborn me, I reprimanded myself back then. Why did I keep on hoping for him to do things for me??? He couldn't even face my parents, he had to be forced to meet my sisters. With a heavy heart I left Manila for Sagada, that place in the north where he traveled with his French girlfriend whom he is proud to have. He always is proud to have had a French girl and even planned to marry her despite that circumstances in which they met. What decent guy would marry a girl who got drunk and got inside a stranger's room to make out with a stranger? And I being idealistic, believing in the power of humans to change, didn't make much of it. The present is always more important. So while in the bus, when I was not sleeping I was crying. Coz... they play sappy music in the bus... Makes me remember the days when he was sweet to me and makes me wonder if he really did love me, even one bit. (Okay I will stop, he clearly DOES NOT!!! Dear girl, quit your delusions!)

In Sagada, I met nice people who somehow took my mind off him. I met interesting women. One is an almost 40 year old woman but still looks young, probably because of her outlook in life. She is very motherly and it makes me wonder why no guy pursued her. (But oh well, only boys roam the world, boys who like the superficial.) She was with her friend who was able to study in Australia on a scholarship. The friend is a daughter of a former government official and although the family name is extraordinary, I failed to make a connection until later. In fact, they had to tell me. LOL. Another is a quiet woman, already married and whose husband is working abroad. She is a businesswoman and has made herself financially independent thus allowing herself to travel alone even without the support of her husband. But my heart was shattered when I learned that she is having an affair. Just what is wrong with the world??? We had a heart-to-heart talk before we parted ways and that was when she shared her story. I, of course, cautioned her against continuing the affair. I told her, that I understand her needs; her husband is away, but THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. When you marry someone, you commit to the relationship, you commit to being a good wife to your husband (or being a good husband to your wife). Besides, the person she's having an affair with is also married and has kids. Being a homewrecker will not make her happy. So I shared with her how my dad destroyed my view of males, how angry I was (still am) at him when we learned of his affairs. And I asked her to think what if his child grows up to be like me? I reminded her that this is no win-win situation.

I was reminded of the time when someone asked me out for a date but who turned out to be already married. When I found out, I already liked him a bit. But you will know how strong you are when you are able to walk away from temptations. And I just did. So whenever I think of my frailty, I will always think of that moment when I fought myself hard to do the right thing before our "friendship" deepens and before I do something that will cause me guilt all of my life. That is how fidelity works. You nip it in the bud. You do as Ulysses did when he ordered his men to tie him up and put ear plugs on to resist the seductive sirens. Such preventive mechanism will enable you to step away from things that you will regret later. They say that affairs usually start out as innocent friendship. But it blossoms because you spend too much time together than necessary. You know you are in big trouble when you are more concerned about this extra lover than about your official lover (i.e. husband/ wife). It is also this reason that whenever I talk to my male friends, I would make it a point to tell them about A, to send the message that I am already off-limits. (Only to find out later on that he dated a girl in his class with whom he shared my work and he told her that "we used to date". "Used to" when at that time we were still good. So what does that make him?)

So going back to the people I met in Sagada... There was this one doctor who seemed to have not yet moved on  from his breakup. I don't know the full story but "motherly friend" (hereinafter T) and "popular daughter" (hereinafter K) told me that he was all out in his recent relationship and was disappointed because the girl's efforts were minute compared to his. He was emphasizing EFFORT. I do understand where he is coming from and I feel sorry for  him. Girls normally put in much effort, too much effort even, for the men they love. But then, I also acknowledge that bitches also exist. (Of course we only got to hear his side of the story... So okay, the skeptic in me is making a lot of questions... LOL) One evening, I joined them around the campfire. They were drinking and chatting. I just wanted to see how they drink. I like observing people when I am not engaging them. So I sat beside T and K and he invited me to sit closer to him. Of course, I didn't do that because he was already drunk. They offered me a drink and I put a former professor's wise words to practice. Since I don't drink I usually feel out of place. One way of still becoming one with the group is to accept the drink but to announce for everyone to hear that such is my first and last because I DO NOT DRINK. PERIOD. So no amount of coaxing will work. (I don't understand why people become alcoholic. Alcohol tastes bad.. EWWW!!!)

They asked me if I had any companion in the project (none), my reasons for joining (vacation break), and why I travel alone (to challenge myself, though actually the real challenge for me is travelling with incompatible companions). I think they were expecting me to say that I was looking for love in Sagada following the popularity of the movie "That Thing Called Tadhana". I forgot what our topic was but then when asked about something, I casually replied, "because boys are uncaring." And he couldn't accept it, demanding answers all night long until we had to put out the fire at 10PM. LOL. Funny experience! But the strange thing is, although he was drunk, I didn't feel scared of him. I normally distance myself from drunk people. Maybe because I sensed a loadful of loneliness and frustrations in him. Empath mode on again. Sigh. I will really drain myself out fast if this keeps going.

The only other person who doesn't drink is X (I forgot her name...). She graduated from a private all-girls' school known for social activism. Needless to say, she works in the development sector and plans to take up further studies abroad. She's a people person and it's not hard to see that she has a strong personality. Meeting her made me realize that most of those in the development sector come from well-off family and I came to formulate that there is a general pattern. No wonder those who are selected in foreign scholarship programs are mostly from rich families, because they have access to these experiences which are not readily available to the average person who is most likely to end up a corporate slave in a private firm (ehem). And it is a misconception that salaries in NGOs and social work are small. Heck no, they are even bigger compared to those in the corporate world. So it got me thinking, is this the modern day version of elite cooptation? Of course there are exceptions. I have a friend who was a product of the public school system and who had so much grit she was able to get one of the most coveted slots in Japanese scholarship program. 

I could have taken my time in getting to know everyone in the project. But then the group was big so my introvert self was screaming to be alone.

CIBO and Ticket to Ride

Yesterday, I didn't report for work. I found it difficult to focus since I still thought of him a lot. I shouldn't but I couldn't help it. Downloading many of Ajahn Brahm's witty and humorous videos should help IF I found the time to listen to his lectures, especially on letting go and regaining peace. But then many things are in my mind these days and he should no longer be competing with these things. (For one, there's paper revision, then there are projects at the office to take care of, and then there are personal things I also need to address especially concerning our transfer to a new  house.)

So yesterday I went back to Makati. It's the third time this month that I took the MRT to go south. I was on a mini break to do errands. Since the places I need t o visit are near my former office place, I contacted my close friends for a quick meetup and maybe even lunch. It was nice to be around such people again. They have these day jobs, but they also live a very productive life outside of work. Most of them are musicians. One is even a recent Palanca awardee. A very close friend K is very good at art. Two I know to be good at sketching and drawing. I never felt like I was different although I was not really the creative type, but then I was a bit of everything, but mostly the nerdy one.

Being able to catch up with A and K2 was something I really hadn't planned carefully. It just so happened that I was visiting at a time when A was on her last day in the company. K was out of town. K2 was aloof as usual. Since A will be leaving the country today, I joined her in her last-minute shopping. Crazy girl as always. But she has guts and I like her for that. After my errands, I asked K2 is he was willing to accompany me for late lunch at Cibo since the resto was having a promo (today's the last day) that I wouldn't  want to pass up. Thankfully he said yes. I actually just wanted to have a long talk with him since he was one of the very few people who was with me when things went downhill last year. And he himself has issues of his own. So it really wasn't a surprise that we would have a  very long conversation given that we rarely chat and meet. I was a bit happy when he told me compared to last year I looked more relaxed. I told him I'm regaining my Buddhistic attitude in life, to detach and let go, and shared to him the outlook hoping he finds it beneficial, too.

pesto pasta. YUM! (and also because it's one of the cheapest in the menu... I am on a tight budget!!!)

K2's cake. yum yum

Then off to school only to find that our prof was not in. My HS friends and I agreed to run around UP since we all are complaining about our figures. (My arms are flabbier than ever that I feel like I have a  pair of batwings. Boo.) As alternative, I proposed that we go shoot some arrows instead since it's been 10 years since I last held a bow. And this archer definitely can profit from the activity to release all the pent up anger. But they arrived late. I eve finished doing three out of sixteen units of homework.

So we ended up at a games restaurant where we played Ticket to Ride Europe version plus several rounds of Exploding Kittens. I felt like a master after winning. I am already in love with the game. So now, I have this and Resistance as my favorite. Hoping to play more games.

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My dear college friend R and her friends (who are also my friends now, by extension) introduced me to the wonderful board game Ticket to Ride. The goal is to be able to complete the routes that you picked taking into consideration limited resources (train coach pieces) as well as the possibility that other players may need to place their train coaches on the same lines. It's a pretty cool strategy game but sad to say, I sucked when we played the US version. I guess I must be bringing my anti-US stance to the game. LOL. So when we shifted to Europe version, that's when I was able to shine. Or maybe it was sheer luck.

Today I went to the archery range to let go of arrows. I am in bad shape but I know I can improve. Also planned to fire some bullets but the shop was already closed. I will have to visit Cubao for that. Boo. :(

#RoadtoMovingOn (because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anyway, so what's the use of holding on?)

2017 Holy Week Musings

Today is Easter. While I normally do not like special days because they are heavily exploited by capitalists, sometimes, special days are needed to remind us of the things that are important to us. It just depends on us if we want to be swallowed by the system or if we are confident enough of our own authenticity to let systems dictate our lives.

Earlier this week, prior to the Holy Week, I went out with two friends on separate occasions. On Tuesday, learning too late that classes were suspended, a friend and I decided to explore Maginhawa for some cheap eats. We both have relationship issues and I know he needed some cheering up. He also cautions me about potential pitfalls in my current relationship and keeps on reminding me to address the issues as early as possible to save unnecessary heartbreak. 

I appreciate the concern. It's not as if we were not talking about those issues. We did, sporadically, in bits and bites, not in a long conversation. It is uncomfortable, awkward... I also want to really know his thoughts but oftentimes I feel myself being blocked and pushed away. The resistance is too great. A question for a question. No definite answers. I learned to mimic him, but perhaps he doesn't even know it. I can be the most transparent person, but if I find myself not getting the honesty and integrity I can offer, I clam up.

Before we parted ways, I felt sad for him. He seemed like a nice guy. But even nice guys have flaws. In around four hours that we talked, I interrogated him, made him see where the gaps were, as if I were Doctor Love. I couldn't even bring the man I love to talk about serious stuffs. Pressure, he would always raise as an excuse. I may have been brutal. He was hurting still, but I still asked questions that I know could trigger memories. That is how you help a friend, you help him or her face uncomfortable situations head on. I don't know if it will work for him, I hope it does. Talking about problems sometimes help lift the gravity of the situation.

The following day, no class again. A friend whom I asked to fetch my jacket for me in Miag-ao is back. I left my jacket, a gift from Island Boy back in 2015, which he gave me on the day we last saw each other. I tried to like him then, if only because he was nice to me, but he really isn't my type. To this day he still sends PM on Facebook which I largely ignore. It's been two years, I have told him to stop, but he is still there, so I just ignore his messages. I never create false hopes for anyone.

So anyway, R at first was reluctant to get my jacket back for me. For weeks we seemed to have grown cold because R was not willing to do me a favor. I was a but hurt because he would be in Miag-ao anyway so why not get my jacket? Maybe there are other reasons but if there were, he could have explained so I would understand. Then again, in the end, he did get my jacket for me. We had to meet up so I could get it back. Yet again, he asked me about A. I said I am trying my best not to think about him much, that I should focus on my own well-being. I am having chest pains again, and if this keeps on, I might die within a year, or less. Stupid girl falling so hard in love with someone who turned out to not able to reciprocate, someone who couldn't be considerate of my feelings when I have always been too gentle and patient with him because I know how broken he is. Yet in the process, I didn't know how I have also been dragged down emotionally. A meeting with a former classmate noticed that my aura has changed, telling me she felt sad to see that the brightness in my eyes that she loved so much, was replaced by sadness. That was two months ago. Her words never left my mind.

I tried to regain my peace of mind. I wanted to show her that maybe that was temporary. I wanted to fight for A, for us. But slowly I found myself looking at the present situation, as if replaying the events of last year. Uncertainties. Mind games. Manipulations. What is it that makes it so hard to leave him???  Maybe we both are just waiting for the other to make the move. I wonder if he truly is happy with me, as he says he is. If so, why does it feel like I an only contributing to his list of problems. He would never acknowledge the things that I do, until recently when I talked to him about it. He would always dismiss moments of intimacy that I tried to create as drama, until recently when I raised the issue. For a time that made me secure in our relationship. He was changing bit by bit. I always appreciate that he knows when I am upset, even since last year. He knowd how to make me laugh, because a silly girl like me is easy to please.

But there are things from last year that remain in my head. Him saying, "I want to make my parents happy" says a lot about how his parents will always come first, even perhaps in matters of marriage and relationships. So imagine how hurt I was when I found out his dad is still currently pursuing the girl they want him to marry, even after meeting me. For me that speaks volumes. They simply do not like me. Because I am not one of them, because I do not share the same religion. And they say the Chinese are too exclusive. So that confirms that this relationship is indeed goung nowhere, although he says he still wants to have the last say on that. Then again, that would be displeasing his parents.

If there is anything consistent, it is inconsistency. Does it ever contribute to a strong foundation in a relationship?

Love, Pain, and Becoming a Light

Having experienced my first break up after just three months of dating made me question many things about life and love. Before falling hard for the first man to ever sweep me off my feet, I used to think that love is something that will be a tough challenge because it would entail sacrifice, lots of it, but that the rewards will be more than what you would expect. With that belief, no matter how difficult it is to love someone whose intentions eventually  became blurry and muddled, I carried on loving him, fighting those ugly thoughts in my head, fighting against myself for feeling neglected. I chose to love and trust him with all my heart although it was hard because everything would always catch me by surprise. For love, I chose not to listen to my gut feel. I chose to meet the trust he gave me. (Although truth be told, I had a lot of misgivings. In essence, I had to battle it out with my fears that one day he would just leave me behind.)

Once he asked what my gut feel tells me about him. I sensed a terribly wounded man whose inner goodness has been shrouded by layers of pain and sadness. For some reason, I decided to stick with him, to share my world with him. In a span of just three months, I welcomed him into my life, the life I have come to build alone after years of devastation and self-doubt. I can say that it is far from perfect yet because I haven't moved on completely from my loss last year. I thought that maybe if I were to heal a person, maybe I could find complete healing, too. He was rarely sweet, but I was happy whenever we were together. For a while I was reminded of the happiness in life. Life exploded with colors but those colors quickly disappeared when he became distant, when he started to push me away (although he denies doing so) and I, naive and ignorant, did not know how to handle the situation. To me, the message was "You are not welcome in my life. Leave me alone."

The five day challenge in March proved to be helpful. It made me take a glimpse of what to expect should I enter into a relationship with him. It was a challenge I was able to overcome, but that was because our relationship was just starting. Not that much invested feelings yet.

Tears started to flow early in May, just when I was feeling loved and just when I thought this will be serious. I thought it would be the end, that he would end things with me because of his past which he assumed I wouldn't accept. A whole loadshit of baggage waiting to be unloaded. It was a fragile moment, a major decision for me. But it wasn't because of that that I felt hurt. The pain that pierced me stemmed from the feeling that he didn't trust me at all to have hidden that from me. I cried for two days and only stopped when people were being funny and laughing was hard to resist. I was reminded of the beauty of the world, that this is just one speck of the world's many problems and I should nit feel so bad because others have had it worse.

So I accepted him, hoping he would work hard for our relationship to blossom again. But things have changed. Maybr it was also the wrong timing. But it seemed I have not totally gotten past my initial heartbreak. I became insecure, I sought his "I love you's" but resisted so hard to nag. All the resistance came undone with just one question from him. That question unleashed all the pent up negative feelings inside which I thought I could control but turns out I am just an ordinary girl who can only hold in so much. What came was domino effect. I felt unappreciated and unaccepted. I found myself asking if the golden rule is even true. We both know our differences yet we entered into a relationship. But that question made me realize that differences could wreak havoc in our lives. I have always thought that we could fight for each other, that that was already implicit when we decided to be exclusive. I was wrong.

Then came the blaming and hurling of unkind words. After only two months, the romance stopped. I struggle to this day to understand why he entered my peaceful life only to disrupt it. On second thought maybe I was to blame for not being able to give him what he wants. Or maybe we both have expectations we never communicated and we acted on assumptions only, not knowing that what we offered were not what was needed. We failed to communicate effectively even though at the onset I suggested that we practice having open comms because we both suck at mind games (or maybe that was only me?)

Just this Thursday, I used my break to nap but ended up crying inside the room, taking advantage of the fact that nobody else was inside. Prior to that, I have cried in small amounts. That time was the worst because I thought if my heart would stop beating from too much pain, I would be found there unconscious, or probably with no life.

Thoughts ran inside my head. I wouldn't be okay without him (to answer one of his questions). It could have been better if he told me he doesn't want me anymore because I am blah blah blah so I can just move on and just hope to find someone who can appreciate and accept me for who I am. But he made it sound as if we were just victims of circumstances before which we are hopeless. And that's the hardest part, because moving on is next to impossible. You ask yourself if, when he said "I love you" did he really mean it? Was everything just a game? Did he get that satisfaction out of hurting a person whom many people admire and like but who has never been in a relationship before? I felt played on by someone who regards feelings as if they are mere commodities. Did he get a kick out of making a "strange and different" girl fall in love with him just to break her heart?

On the other hand, whenever I look back to the recent months, i could honestly say that he loved me, that he tried to also fight. But why is he giving up now? What do I have to do to prove that I am a totally different person? That I am not someone who will just turn around and leave when things get ugly. And I go back to questioning if he really trusted me all this time.

I refuse to believe the idea that you let go of a person because you love him/her. If you truly see your future with him/her, do you let go? Of course not! That's just a lousy excuse to make it seem like you are not a jerk. When you find the one you're looking for, you fight hard, work hard, love hard. Even though it hurts. Even though it breaks every fiber of your being. The world can judge you for being "weak" but it is only in loving a person with all your heart and with all your soul that you will find your salvation. When two people are truly in love with each other, they will never let go no matter what. They will take each other's hands and weather through everything.

"I hope you can handle the truth, that I am not meant for you because of my flaws."

The flaws I accepted in him, the flaws I have come to love. Only it doesn't matter now because he has let go of my hand.

Is it because I am too emotional? Because I cry easily? Even strong girls cry. I cry when I watch a good movie or read a very good book even if it's not drama. I cry when I glimpse beauty. I cry over the people I love, the very few people I can love. I cry when I know he is suffering and is in pain. I wouldn't want him to make a painful choice so I will force myself to accept his decision. Lastly I cry for myself, because I am just human and the heart can be fragile.

Now it becomes clear to me why the word for love in Chinese is also the word for pain. 疼 can mean both "to care for" and "to ache". Love and pain are intertwined. You cannot love without experiencing pain. Also, if it hurts, it's because you loved.

Why is it so easy for people to just discard relationships as if feelings do not matter. Why is it that "work it out" is no longer the norm? I used to believe in true love, looking to my grandparents' story for inspiration. Theirs was fraught with difficulties, but they overcame everything. They loved only once in their lifetime and carried it until the end. Is the world too f*ucked up to have people hurting each other the norm? Whatever happened to love, trust, integrity, compassion?

So I guess the world is indeed f*cked up.  But I don't want to live in a cold heartless world. So I choose to tread the path less travelled, to be a light that can endure burning, to love with so much tenderness and fierceness still. One day I will wake up a blank slate, the past behind me. When that day comes, I know that I will ever be more ready to face life's worse challenges.

Doors

Early this week, as I walked home late at night after a tiring day, I saw visions of doors, some slightly ajar, most closed, one slowly closing. It was a dark place and I felt the need to run after that door that was closing in slow motion. But no matter how fast I tried to run, I couldn't seem to close the distance between us. It was a quick vision and I hurried home, fearful for what might happen to me while out in the streets at night.

Yesterday was her first death anniversary. I cried as I looked back on what happened last year, how I was filled with regrets and guilt because I was not sure if I had shown her sufficiently how much I loved her. At random moments of my life, I would tell her to come away with me and my sisters. I wanted just the four of us together and I would imagine that we would have a peaceful life. That didn't happen. My sisters refused. Still I hoped so much that when she reaches old age, I would be there to care for her, just as she had cared so much for me when I was an infant.

Then yesterday, there was one more reason to cry although I tried to control my tears. A wanted us to break up. I could imagine him getting tired and sick of the pressures surrounding him more so now when he is busy at work. Since Ramadhan started, he has told me little by little about these. I was confused and hurt, because I knew what was coming even before he asked me "would you be okay without me?" this week. Maybe it is a blessing to have this little gift of presience, to somehow cushion the impact.

I couldn't give a definite answer. It was a scary proposition. I know he has our best interests in mind, but I know that once we give up on each other, it will be the end.

More than ever, he emphasized our differences. We both knew. We have discussed these prior to us getting serious. But it should happen that things will get more difficult. This early, I have already cried an ocean of tears. I do not want to lose him, and I hate myself for being too proud. There are many things I have been doing for our sake which he knows nothing about because I do not want to disappoint him in case I fail. But I guess it is too late now.

Exactly a year after I lost an important person, I would experience the same now. That door that was slowly closing, I do not know if it will really close. I feel like I am transported back to my three year old self when I threw tantrums and cried so hard pleading the Light not to leave me when she tried to go on a vacation.

Even if doors open for me, I doubt if I can have the heart to enter new ones. His will forever be the one for me. When I knew him, I know that I must not leave him. There is the feeling that everything will not turn out right if we get separated. But if he is the one leaving, then there is nothing I can do. It will be difficult, I do not know what will happen next. The door is closing and I couldn't reach it.