Dreams 04

Waking up late this morning left me feeling flustered because of yet another dream about me in an almost relationship with someone I do not even know in real life. Although this has happened several times before, I still haven't gotten used to it and everytime it happens I always end up feeling extra pensive, disturbed by these unwelcome visitations during my cutie sleep and yet feeling extra giddy and hopeful that in the very near future I meet the one I have been looking for.

The dream this time involves a boy who looks younger than me. We seem like very close friends until that moment when he confesses he likes me and wants to marry me. The whole time I was silent, not knowing what to say because everything was so sudden, I felt unprepared. All I know is that I am not sure if I can reciprocate his feelings.

Then the dream shifts to another scene , or perhaps I just forgot about the other parts and just remembered those where I felt strong emotions. In that scene, I watch him as he lay sleeping and kissed him lightly. (I swear this is so not me!!! I don't even like romantic movies and shoujo anime and manga so I do not know where my subconsciousness gets this... perhaps from fantasies??? LOL) He wakes up and we laugh for no reason (or maybe it was already a new scene) and even with the confession and everything, things are not awkward and we seem to understand each other very well. I also remember feeling very comfortable around him as I run my fingers through his silky hair.

And then I woke up. It was 11:25 and nobody bothered to wake me up. I said my morning prayers, left my bed, broke my fast, took a shower, and left home. While walking to the jeepney stop, I couldn't help but try to remember his face. What if we get to meet? It would be bad if I do not recognize him.

The dream got me thinking about fate, destiny, and free will. We meet many people but we choose whom we welcome in our life. It got me thinking about one of my life goals, to find that one person who will complete me. Somewhere out there under the vast sky, someone must be searching for me, too. I'd like to believe that one day fates will make our paths cross. So while I am still single, I would like to be the best that I can be, to do as much as I can so that when the time comes, I shall not feel as though I wasted my youth. 

Yet questions form in my head. Should I believe that my perfect match is not separated from me by time, distance, nor circumstances? What if there is no such thing as a perfect match? What if I am just incapable of loving truly that I cannot go beyond the standards I have set?

Am I just being foolishly romantic to give meaning to these kinds of dreams which render me almost paralyzed at the thought that mobility might be more of a hindrance than a way to find him?

___________________________________________

I normally find it weird to write about these stuffs but I found myself restless unless I write about this dream. While there's a feeling of excitement, I really am not enthused to these things because they rob me of focus which is supposed to be alloted to higher learning and to my many interests. It seems my subconsciousness is saying otherwise. Oh well...

Dreams, Reconnections, Depression

Last night as well as the night before, I saw him in my dream. He was one of my ex-crushes, a boy whom I knew to be quiet, reserved, gentle, calm, and yet can joke every now and then. He was one of the very few who spoke to me when I was a new student in school. And for that I guess I must have liked him. We were classmates until we finished high school.

Many times I would overhear him saying to his friend (a boy who was friendly with me, too) that I was too boyish because I ran around a lot, stood up to teachers, slept in class, and did things "normal" girls usually do not do (and because I am embarrassed about those, I won't mention them here).

I guess I must have liked this guy. He was my opposite. Whereas I was loud, passionate, impulsive, and hyper, he was quiet, calm, thoughtful, and cool. Everytime we talk about Doraemon or Detective Conan, I was happy. He even lent me some of his comic books. He was a great guy. I wish I had established contact with him even after graduation. Now that he appears in my dreams, there's only this longing to talk to him again and perhaps, laugh about bygone days.

So now I find myself looking for him on Facebook. In the process I thought of my other girl friends in Chinese class. Despite my oddly rude behavior, I was lucky to have been friends with them. I guess they helped me mellow down a bit. It is thanks to them, to people who dare break the many barriers I have set up to protect myself, that I learn little by little what relationships mean. From them, many lessons are learned. One, it is okay to get hurt, just focus on happy times. Two, one can never be truly lonely.

I guess the reason why I broke ties with my high school friends after graduation was because I was too cowardly to accept the painful partings. I have gotten used to people whom I knew to be good people and I could foresee then that if I were to be left behind by these people, the pain would be unbearable. I guess I didn't knew then what TRUST means, and neither have I thought that indeed if they left me then maybe they weren't as good as I have known them to be. My ego, that pride that have caused broken relationships, told me to be the one to leave. Because one day everyone will go away anyway.

In college, two of my Chinese friends still tried to get in touch with me. I was touched. But when I changed my number and failed to save theirs, it was the end. That was also the day when people from my high school life were totally incapable of reaching me. Only a handful knew of my new number. Instead of being happy about it later on, I found myself in sadness. I would browse through the letters and read them all over and over again, just to relieve my high school memories. I was happy then. People often commented at how cheerful I was. It all changed in college when I found great difficulty in relating with people from different backgrounds. I realized I threw away the chance to be with good people.

Late last year, I swore to protect relationships from now on. I also promised myself that I would try to reconnect with people who mattered to me, who can keep my feet back on the ground, who can uplift my spirits and perhaps, help me go back to being the cheerful girl that I once was.

Leafing through our graduation book, memories filled my mind. Is this Easter's promise? Liberation from a painful past, liberation from my sins, liberation from my own wrongdoing. But memories are not enough. I want to cast away my pride and express my gratitude to people who have been good to me, who may unknowingly kept me from being too sad.

One day I wish to find myself walking under the night sky with a smile in my heart. I wish one day as I glance down from the overpass and see the multitude of lights, regrets will be replaced by forgiveness. Because in a world inhabited by billions, fates made me cross paths with wonderful people. The past cannot be changed, I can only look forward at the future with an optimistic heart. And especially that 1 kilometer walk I take, I wish that one day, as I glance up at the trains that come and go, the sadness will be replaced my happiness. Because people have a choice to stop by and express kindness to a lost child or to continue walking and ignoring needy people, but I'm glad and I'm lucky that many have stopped and smiled at me.

So now instead of being depressed, I ought to smile. I know that people who are used to seeing my cheerful side would not be too happy to see me depressed. Maybe I ought to smile more, especially when I am alone, because it is then that I can be one with my cherished memories with my cherished people.

Happy Easter!

From Multiply 040: Dreams 03

One thing has been bugging me all these years. Why, in my more than 20 years of existence, have I not yet experienced having a boyfriend? Not like I really want one, just the prospect of having a "slave" sounds cool. (Like, so I can always have someone to accompany me whenever I want to watch plays and movies, go to museums or go on a food trip. Coz really, friends are highly unreliable when it comes to me inviting them. They always say they're busy.) And now I just divulged my shallow reasons.

This morning, I have yet another significant dream, well at least for me.

Setting: Philippine Cultural High School (Okay, College. *rolls eyes)

I remembered an important thing in my dream. My friends tell me that they don't want their friends to fall in love with me because I am a HEARTBREAKER. Me??? (*looks innocently with eyes wide open) And those who have a crush on me felt compelled to hide their feelings because according to them, I am RUTHLESS in love. What the heck!

Now if only they can provide examples of this ruthlessness they are talking about...

Aug 3, '09 7:33 AM
for Miracle's friends, Miracle's family and Miracle's online buddies

From Multiply 039: Dreams 02

July 30, Thursday, I woke up biting the tip of my tongue. Absurd. I didn't feel the pain until I heard my alarm going off.

Dream: My Portuguese friend sending MMS to me. And in it, there's some kind of erotic sensuality. I forgot what it's about exactly but I remember feeling that surprise since I knew him to be a very spiritual person. (But there's always the possibility that he's just creating a virtual identity far removed from his true self. Thus I always say, be cautious when on the internet.)

And then my forum crush "Titian" sent me an MMS, too. The image has easily esacped my mind. But I think it's something decent, compared to what my buddy sent me. Anyway, I pondered on this after waking up. He really has strange ways to make me smile. Okay, it's not him voluntarily doing that, but just a product of my own subconscious, but maybe there's reason why I dream of him like that. The possibilties are endless. Anyway, while I prefer to think that it's just mere coincidence, I admit that I feel giddy with the thought that perhaps he's interested in me after that embarrassing public confession I made.

Aug 2, '09 1:18 AM
for Miracle's friends, Miracle's family and Miracle's online buddies

From Multiply 032: Dreams 01

And he invades my dreams yet again.

When was the last time he was present in my illusory world? High school? When I was tortured by Cupid's shower of arrows. I put all that in the past now, deciding to move on after that humiliating rejection. I don't blame him, never did. One of the rules of love is to step down when the other one says no. (Ah and they would argue that one must be a persistent lover, but not in my case.)

High school setting. Hungry for attention as usual. Not from all students, more so from him. Nostalgic scenes of everyday high school life with his face popping out of nowhere. Why these? I'm graduating from college next year, for goodness' sake!

And it dawned on me later on in the afternoon. It's his special day.

Closed chapter. Haunting dreams. What is real?

Jun 10, '09 8:00 AM
for Miracle's friends, Miracle's family and Miracle's online buddies

From Multiply 031: Dreaming of Rain

I love you, Rain!! But why is it that you seldom descend on earth? Why can you make me suffer under the scorching heat of the sun? You know it's my mortal enemy, the only one capable of driving me almost to the point of insanity as it burns my skin, which now is not as fair as it used to be.

Yesterday morning, I found it hard to leave the land of dreams. For in my subconscious, there you are with me, just the two of us, you making me the happiest girl in the world. But upon opening my eyes, I was disappointed when bright sunlight streaming into my room greeted my eyes. Just a dream, I thought in a plaintive manner.

And voila! That same afternoon, you really did fulfill your promise of joining me here on earth. I love you, Rain!!!

But you didn't come today. Will you visit me perhaps tomorrow? Please do. I'm dying in these abnormal soaring temperatures.

May 28, '09 10:14 AM
for Miracle's friends, Miracle's family and Miracle's online buddies

Bleak

I was supposed to graduate this semester, but my INCs hindered me from getting that much-needed diploma in just one and a half year.

Along the way, I realized that I love many things, and archaeology is just one of them. Surfing the net on depressing nights with the purpose of gaining a muse, I stumbled into digital art. On days when I itch to watch anime, having felt deprived due to heavy academic workload, I accidentally put in  さらい屋五葉 and was simply astounded with the play of light and shadows. Then there was "Kung Fu Panda 2" which touched me greatly, aside from making me laugh out really loud. I realized I want to be an animator. Well, it's not the first time that I wanted to be one. Even before, I considered that career choice.

Flashback to when I was a third year undergraduate student. I met a really cool prof who love anime. That was a first for me, so I was so happy. Once I was busy leafing through Spanish books on history in the library, she saw me and said she liked nerds/ geeks. And I instantly love her for that. I remember her treating me to a glass of iced tea at a cafe just beside Vargas Museum. She offered to treat me to lunch but I graciously declined the offer. At that time, we just talked, just the two of us, mainly about anime, orgs, yaoi, techie stuff, etc. At that time, I became aware of the fact that although I am good at logic (and got very high grades in programming in high school) I don't know anything at all about the latest software. Heck I am currently struggling with photoshop and trying to finish digitizing the permatraces with the hope that I don't incur another INC--- which might cause a major heartbreak since I was able to submit my paper last week.

Just now, I remember her. She was ever so kind to all of her students. She assured me that I'd do fine in class, when I was really on the verge of frustration due to my inability to contribute anything for the class play. We worked together for the video to be used as background for the play. It was supposed to be my task but knowing my being a noble savage ignorant of video editing and such, she helped me a lot. Before the semester ended I was able to learn how to edit videos though, thanks to a classmate who showed me how simple it actually is. The skill I learned proved to be useful when, working for a bags and clothing company as a marketing consultant, videos needed to be edited and there was a shortage of staff and I took the opportunity to practice video-editing.

Right now I am learning photoshop. Yes, the youth of today learn on their own. But I'm different. I need to learn the basics first from someone. Once I get the basics, I can advance on my own. There are few moments in my life where I learn a skill on my own. I am more inclined to the abstract, to ideas and concepts, than I am to practical know-how.

A few months back, our director and I had a talk. He wanted to know if I would pursue a master's degree. I said I can't at present, but that I'd consider after getting my diploma. I told him that I'm having financial problems, which is for the most part, the crippling factor. Second, I wanted to do the things I've always wanted: writing, drawing, composing. These are my main avenues for expression. I chase after beauty, I chase after images and texts that evoke powerful emotions. I've seen so much, read so much. For a change, I want to be seen, to be read.

I also miss Math a lot. If ever, I have a particular topic I'd like to research on which I won't disclose here. I want to delve into more abstractions, I want to experience again that ecstatic state after having solved a problem through sheer logic. 

But the future is bleak as usual. Dark clouds of uncertainty produce horrifying shadows which seem to haunt me even in sleep. But the people I met who once inspired me a great deal, they continue to do so at present as I go on a stroll down memory lane. I know what I want to do. The problem as usual is money. For the meantime, I shall live within my means and take one simple step at a time. Next week I'm buying a sketchpad and a set of coloring pencils. But then again, there are deficiencies to take care of first.