Linkin Park Living Things @ SM MOA Arena 08132013

Still am speechless even days after Linkin Park rocked their Filipino fans' night, which of course included mine. That night, the 13th of August is one memorable night, being my first time to watch a rock concert. I never thought that I would be able to survive the screams of thousands of fans in a closed area but I did, and thoroughly enjoyed it I did. It was one awesome night full of energy, thanks to Mike Shinoda's rapid-fire raps (I still find it extremely difficult to rap along when I listen to him), Chester Bennington's untiring screams (I wonder how he does it without having sore throat considering that they perform every other day in their Asian tour...), Rob Bourdon's wickedly powerful drums which blended well with the equally wicked sounds created by Dave "Phoenix" Farrell on bass and Brad Delson on guitar.

They made us wait, they sure did. Ticket said 8pm. Urbandub played their songs at 8:30. I was dying from excitement. My tummy had butterflies and whatnots each minute that passes without LP. And then I slumped on my seat feeling betrayed. At 9:30, Joe Hahn appeared and the crowd roared. A few seconds before that, the arena became dim and fans were already whistling and shouting. When Rob started drumming something like sounded like a battle hymn I was brought back to life. The night was young after all and the party just got started. I forgot about worrying about how late I would get home and suffer the reprimand of my parents.

Faster and faster the drum was beat and with each beat is another level of excitement waiting to engulf me. I was afraid I would faint and pass out from too much excitement, wondering what the first song would be, wondering if "In the End", "My December", and my other faves would be performed onstage. And suddenly Mike Shinoda was rapping and the party has indeed begun. It happened so soon that I forgot how to react and just screamed with the crowd, my voice drowned in the multitude's multiple shouts.

Perhaps it's just that I want to be in the energy... How fitting that they started with "A Place for My Head".

And I lost my voice in the middle of "Papercut", one of the first songs by LP that I knew many years back. I felt like my younger self who would sing this song whenever I felt vulnerable. When they played that song, images of their video which initially creeped me out but which shortly after I loved flashed in my mind. You have to understand that it was my first time to see bizarre and disturbing images in a music video, something that made Aerosmith's "Jaded" pale in comparison. Chester still had glasses on. I remember having a crush on him because he looks like a nerd rockstar what with red hair, red pants and those glasses. Chester made me love the nerdy look. And now a more mature Chester stood before us, with tattoos on his arm and now without the glasses. As "Papercut" drew to an end, I realized missed Chester's old look.

When they played "Somewhere I Belong" I lost all inhibitions and sang along at the top of my voice. I regularly sing along to this song while working in the office and it felt so surreal to be singing along with Chester and Mike as the rest of the band played. That song is special to me. I realized just recently that when I am utterly disappointed with someone, I tend to sing "Somewhere I Belong".

By the time they played "Points of Authority" I was already bereft of shyness, never minding if my lyrics were a bit wrong (LOL). All I cared about is that DAMMIT MY FAVORITE BAND IS PLAYING, THIS IS MY FIRST ROCK CONCERT, AND I OUGHTA HAVE FUN!!! I was already wondering if next year they will have another concert here (though hopefully they do it at SMART Araneta Coliseum since SM Arena sucks big time).

I was mesmerized when they played  "Castle of Glass". The background was wonderfully done with shards of glass scattering about. (And yeah, I study glass artifacts in archaeology...) And then there was "Leave out All the Rest", another song I instantly liked from their new album "Living Things". It reminds me of the band Simple Plan for some reason. They mixed it with "Shadow of the Day" and ultimately with the theme from Transformers movie "Iridescent".

Castle of Glass

Other fave songs of mine they played were "Lost in the Echo", "Numb" (imagine the crowd going wildly crazy with this old favorite!!!), "Burn It Down", "In the End" (the crowd sang along with much gusto!!!). The concert ended with "Bleed it Out". Or so we thought. The audience clamored for an encore. We're not letting LP off the hook yet. WE SIMPLY WANT MORE. My heart was screaming, SHIT I DON'T WANT THIS NIGHT TO END!!! My words "ENCORE MILLE FOIS!!!" got lost in the echo of the crowd's "MORE!"

And so LP obliged with "Faint", "Lying from You", and "One Step Closer". All throughout, Mike and Chester greatly complemented each other. And they called it a night but even in the bus, even when I was already in bed, my mind was replaying everything. The following day and the day after that, up until now, I still can't get over the whole thing. And it's the best case of hangover yet.

The following day, my status on Facebook read:

I can't feel the way I did before

Don't turn your back on me

I won't be ignored

Time won't heal this damage anymore

Don't turn your back on me

I won't be ignored

Half Moon

So last night on the way home, I walked the "old way". It's been months since I walked that path always busy with cars and trucks, always blaring with horns, always smoggy, always smelling like a room filled with toxins that can kill in seconds. But the beauty of it lies at nighttime when overhead one sees the trains come and go. On rare occasions one can chance upon two trains coming towards each other, meeting for a brief moment that it seems like they are exchanging quick hellos and goodbyes coz in less than a minute, they are separated again, going on separate ways and never looking back until the cycle repeats itself.

At dusk the final red of the day disappears slowly down the horizon. One eagerly searches for something celestial for a bit of poetry in a night that is soon to come. One looks up and finds the moon, still in its golden splendor despite being halved.

From Multiply 082: In a Pensive Mood...

After more than two weeks of vacation, I find myself in dire need of some physical exercise. To be confined to a monotonous routine of working and sleeping is the worst form of torture there is. Okay, I did have the much-needed opportunity to read more books for my thesis but knowing that it's for the completion of that much-dreaded thesis work got me all pressured with note-taking on the side and making sure I understand the texts that my eyes follow. Such tedious work, really. But it will be a great exercise for me, an Iska, who will one day tread the path of a researcher. Never mind that my thesis project is not in any way connected to the Philippines per se, but I'm sure it'll be useful in the future, I hope.

The whole Christmas break had been a depressing one for me, with lots of inner conflicts stirring my mind into turbulence. It was supposed to be a season to rejoice, to forget one's worries, to spread love... But hey, what love? I've grown cold, indifferent, apathetic, remorseful. To confess, I have this almost insane desire to annihilate everything. Were I Kali, that war goddess clothed in blood, or Shiva, her husband, I could have easily brought about the destruction of the world. For what reasons, you ask? For the very reason that man has become wiser in his own eyes and strays from the wisdom, seeking to make life better but only making it miserable in the process. The world has become a living hell, the product of man's incessant abuses and foolishness.

I long for the mountains and the beaches I have visited in the past. I long for the squishy mud, the sudden cold and the eventual warmth I would feel after burying my feet under it. I long for the cool soft earth, the smell of the earth that gives me a renewed sense of being. I hate all the cemented ground. The whole stretch of EDSA, Quezon Avenue, major roads, and now even narrow ones. Why pave all with cement? When the hot glaring sun is out, we all suffer as if we were being baked inside an oven. To not be with nature indeed is bad, but to be with insensible creatures is even worse; it is hell.

I remember when I was a freshie, I loved walking from Kalay to the archery range during the months of January and February. Back then, the weather was cool and refreshing, with the sweet smell of plants perfuming the atmosphere. One big bonus is the presence of clouds which shield me (okay, us) from the hateful rays of the sun. Truly a delight to go for a walk, especially with occasional falling leaves--- the perfect way to fall in love. (But as you all know, dear readers, yours truly is unfortunately single.) And fall in love I did, with nature, naturally! (Now who needs a boyfriend? =P )

But now, it's all so different. I have to walk a long mile under the hot hot, ULTRA hot sun. Damn it! No cool winds to soothe my burning skin. No friendly clouds to block the sun. And no sweet rain with the smell of sweet earth, to accompany me in this cursed world. This really is the RED DUST, a place of torment, where every pleasure is mere illusion. Where is my paradise???

And yet here I am, thrown into this unregenerate world, forced to mingle with fellow humans, if they really ARE human beings. Methinks they are monsters with human flesh and human appearance. I have surely become a misanthrope. Or raher, I reverted back to being a misanthrope, the me before I started high school. It disgusts me now to even think that I changed into someone who LOVES people when I was in HS which lasted until the end of my freshman year in college. Now I'm just cynical, pessimistic, apathetic even. I can't help it. I want to get away from civilization, do as Thoreau did, do what Rousseau dreamed. But where? Where to start life anew? Seems like pretty much everything's been contaminated with the filth of lowly creatures who call themselves human beings. Myself included in this pathetic tirade.

So much as I would have liked to say that everything's back to normal (meaning I'm a student again which I love being), I will have to refuse to say so. I'm back to school, back to my beloved library with its collection of old dusty books, back to reading lots, back to the best learning environment (IMO), back to sleepless nights, back to meeting demands, back to wakinng up early in the morning... Yes, I'm back to normal. BUt I have to alienate myself from my environment for it has certainly become NOT normal.

Jan 5, '10 10:34 AM
for Miracle's friends, Miracle's family and Miracle's online buddies

From Multiply 079: Christmas 2009

This is probably the worst Christmas ever.

It's my second time to complete the Simbang Gabi but inside of me, I feel empty and cold. No, it's not because of the weather. It's just that something's missing in my life and I can't pinpoint exactly what it is.

And so I spend this year's first few hours of Christmas day in front of my laptop, downloading Yiruma's albums while playing some of his compositions. Then I suddenly remembered that I need a little shoujo magic so I went on to read manga (thanks to onemanga.com).

I sound so indifferent, I know. In fact, I AM. I don't know what has come over me. I have suddenly become a bit more contemplative when special days come. Lately, childhood memories have been flooding my mind. I have to write about them soon. It's a great opportunity for me to record my past.

Probably one thing that made me smile was a text message I received from a beloved teacher--- Prof. Aureus. It was such a big surprise for me. I thought that maybe he has forgotten about me. (Or maybe he did, just that he kept my number coz I sometimes ask him to translate something for me.) Anyway, since I do like him so very very much, it makes me feel good to be wished a Merry Christmas. And I replied to him--- in LATIN mind you! (I hope we get to meet again soon. I'd really love to converse with him in Latin.)

That's al for now. I'll be writing something important again. I keep forgetting about it but there's always tomorrow right? Still the procrastinator that I am. HMPH!

Dec 24, '09 1:25 PM
for Miracle's friends, Miracle's family and Miracle's online buddies

From Multiply 027: EMO Mode

I woke up late again today. Upon seeing it's already past 8 am, I jumped out of bed despite my aching muscles and rushed to the bathroom to take a decent bath. (I missed long baths when we were in Makiling. HMP!) While putting on clothes, I received a text message from a classmate saying we won't have class today. Yay!!! It's better for me not to have class than to suffer the embarassment of arriving late again.

I don't know why I chose to walk from Central to FC today. It was so hot and the sun's rays were burning my skin. And while I was walking that long distance, I was listening to Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" and singing along. I must have looked weird doing that but of course, I made sure the coast was clear.

I stayed at the libary. Louis found me there trying to solve a sudoku puzzle. It was already a few minutes past 11 so I decided to leave it unfinished. Less than two hours of boring class discussions and off I went back to the library. Decided to read Scott O'Dell's "Island of teh Blue Dolphins", a book which somebody from a forum highly recommends. Seriously, it's not a heavy read, it's for children actually, but I'm inrtrigued so I wanna read it.

A few minutes later, I fell asleep. I am so in need of a long journey to the land of dreams and I want happy dreams. When I finally snapped back to reality, I thought it was already late in the afternoon. The sky was dark. I checked my phone. It read 1:15pm. Okaaaay. BIG RAIN!!! Perfect for my depressed mood today. Why's it that when I'm down, the sky expresses the feelings I am suppressing deep inside of me?

While walking to the waiting shed, I couldn't help but take a few pics of the scenario. It's so sad and depressing that I want to preserve them forever. Cotton was caught up in the wind and swirling in the air while thunder and lightning were alternately making their presence felt. When the rain finally did come, I was already inside the jeep to SM.

May 11, '09 10:01 AM
for Miracle's friends, Miracle's family and Miracle's online buddies

From Multiply 016: Musings of a Would-be 20

Lately, I’m having great difficulty focusing in class. There are times when I find myself so utterly lost in thoughts while staring blankly at the prof. I may look like an attentive student but yeah, I am, but only for the first few minutes and then poof goes my short attention span.

 The problem is that I’m an adult now but I still haven’t overcome my childish habits. I’m supposed to have already acquired a longer duration of tolerance for anything but just the same, the only thing that remains unchanged through the passage of time is my love for books and anime. As when I was in elementary and in high school, I’m still the overly aggressive or the sometimes overly passive student; the sometimes all too haughty and sometimes clammed up student; the sometimes extremely cheerful and sometimes oh-so-depressed person; the sometimes loving and oftentimes rebellious daughter. Oh the moods and the hormones and everything! How long should I be with all these? It seems like my moods are so totally on the high extremes though my rationality still resides in moderation.

My mind’s in chaos. I think you’ve already noticed by now that this isn’t about not being able to be mentally present in class, nor is this about the extremities of my moods. This is about, well, whatever’s on my mind at the moment. I feel like I’m breaking apart.

Lots of people irritate me. All of them, actually, save those whose sincerity I can feel even at a distance. I’ve become a completely indifferent person, so far from the image I used to project when I was in high school. They say life’s a cycle. I believe it now. I’m back to being the self-centered cynic. I now am the world’s greatest whiner, lamenting the gradual loss of goodness in today’s generation and the hopelessness I feel for the fate of the world. Everywhere, people are just too obsessed with the latest gadget, totally ignoring the real world out there, not giving a damn care about other people’s plight. I’m in no position to preach indifference since I am one of those many heartless and cruel beings who disguise themselves as humans. I, too, am guilty of contributing darkness to the world.

I’ve lost every spark of hope I once had in my heart. This coldness and emptiness must be due to the fact that it has been ages since I last opened my Bible. I was so preoccupied with worldly pleasures and sinful leisure. Let it be known, however, that I don’t drink, do drugs, engage in sex, or whatever vices that would surely break a parent’s heart. By worldly pleasures, I mean, with books, anime, internet, manga. There can never be rest, I know, if I stick to these stuffs, but it’s still hard for me to let go. It’s an addiction without limits.

My mind’s still in chaos. Bits of information about anything constitute every neuron in my brain. But will these be able to save me from the darkness I’ve become? (Gosh, it sounds like one of Evanescence’s songs. Even in this present state, I still manage to throw in a joke or two, what dull humor.) Seriously, I don’t know why I give in to my desires. Now they have made me like Sunako. My greatest enemy’s now the sun for scorching my delicate skin be I daytime or in the afternoon. Thus the need for me to always bring an umbrella.

AAAAARRRGH!!! Now comes the frustration. If I don’t fix my life now, God knows what will become of me in the years to come. I’ve never felt so lost than now at present. I’ve always believed that I lived in the past because I love reminiscing even the most distant of memories, but I’ve come to realize that I also live in the future, always looking as far as I can, even squinting to see the far future and then getting all frustrated when the future I’ve imagined is not realized. So many regrets, so many anxieties. I hate this. I don’t live in the present. Melo’s living in the future, Dina’s in the past. Where shall I stand? The amalgamation is so lost while at the present.

 New mantra: I was, I am, I will be. Have faith in the future, in myself and most of all, in God. I forgive myself, for my misdeeds, my failures, my deficiencies. I am only human. Why must I destroy myself just to be disillusioned that I’ve reached perfection?

 I will turn 20 in just a few days. I will change. I am a mutable being, capable of change, capable of accepting changes.


Nov 29, '08 7:06 AM
for Miracle's friends, Miracle's family and Miracle's online buddies

Sudden Images of a Beautiful Past

There are days when it is easy to get depressed especially on rainy days when every patter of rain seems like  a batch of daggers aiming for a stab at one's heart.

But then something strange happened today. I suddenly thought of people who I haven't seen in years who have shown me goodness.

For instance, a highschool friend who used to drop me and my sisters at home after school despite the many times I was terribly unkind to her.

Or aunts who used to be buy children's books for me and my siblings.

Or a student younger than me who brings out her hanky to wipe the sweat on my forehead after seeing me run around the school

Or that boy in my elementary class who gave me a sheet of paper when I suddenly realized I had forgotten to bring mine, and despite the fact that I was hated for being too active in class.

Or that sweet girl friend of mine who used to treat me to hotdogs during recess.

Or the funny guy whose name I cannot even recall who danced the "Johnny Bravo Dance" with me when we were in grade school.

Or those people who sincerely wished me good luck everytime I enter a contest.

And I always thought that the past is not so good, that it is full of tragic moments. In my mind, these memories of wonderful people and the seemingly little things which have brought me joy are and will be preserved well.

Mind over Heart

I have always followed my heart. And it made me a cynic.

There is a reality that is fantasy. And there is a fantasy that is reality.

There is also "the calling". If you listen carefully, that is. But it is shrouded by mists of uncertainty and clouds of doubts. Only the brave and the courageous dare create a new path where angels fear to tread.

And an angel I am not.

Or so I thought.

A fallen angel though.

And they say I live in fantasy. I say it is my reality.

Until now.

The sage is mistaken.
The prophet is ignored.
The warrior is fallen.
The archer is troubled.
And the arrows of fire released from a once mighty bow miss their mark.

Photo Credit: sushreepanda.blogspot.com

"Things fall apart, the center cannot hold" (To quote Yeats)

Only pure nothingness swirling and churning and swallowing
everything---
hopes, dreams, fears, ambitions, pride, envy

When the heart cannot feel anything anymore, the mind
takes over.

Companions for Emoing: A1

Most friends of mine are in utter disbelief whenever I tell them that I actually am an emo, that one of my hobbies is emoing, that is, channeling my romantic ego and going on a trip down memory lane mixed with fantasized versions of what really happened. And yes I am cheerfully bubbly, but I also am a very sentimental being frequently visited by episodes of nostalgia, childhood dreams, and visions of future possibilities.

Yesterday, while on a bus, I was treated to some of the best songs of the late 90s. Songs by A1 were alternately played, which included old favorites like Heaven by Your Side, Like a Rose, and One Last Song. It's one of those moments when I think of not going off a public transport just to listen to the songs being played. (It seems I really should buy my own MP3 player so that I can listen to my type of music anytime anywhere. On second thought though, I want every emo moment to be sacred, to be a surprise, to be that rare moment where I get into a pensive mood ponder on random things. So maybe I shouldn't buy one, after all. And thinking of the cost of an MP3 player is sure to make me change my mind since I'm having financial problems at the moment again.)

Heaven by Your Side is perhaps something that will become my theme song if ever one day I will be lucky enough to procure a boyfriend of my own. It's always the case that the person I like also likes me, but as if cursed or what, nothing goes past mere crushes. But if ever my wish of having a decent love life be granted, I do believe that the Fates shall be playing this song for me, with special focus on the part with the ff. lyrics:

"Now my life is blessed with the love of an angel

How can it be true?

Somebody who keeps dreams alive

a dream I found in you.

I always thought that love could be the strangest thing to me,

but when we touch, I realize,

that I found my place in heaven by your side."

Listening to these songs lets me envision a possibility of having a romantic relationship with someone special. Perhaps, that special someone, whoever he may be, will treat me "like a rose" who will "give me room to grow", who will "shine the light of love on me", "give me air so I can breath" and will "open doors I closed in a world where anything goes". Most importantly he will "give me strength so I stand tall" as I face the challenges of life with his support and love.

For some reasons, Like a Rose reminds me of an episode in the first chapter of my favorite novel Hongloumeng (Dream of the Red Chambers) where the Celestial Herb is resuscitated by a previous incarnation of Baoyu and thus promises to repay him a lifetime of tears when it is reincarnated as Lin Daiyu. I always think of that particular episode, though not thoroughly detailed in the novel, I imagine what could have happened as the Celestial Herb is given the strength to carry on. And for its very rich imagery of a nurturing partner, this song has become of my favorites.

But good things come to an end. Even a seemingly perfect relationship can be ended as soon as it started. Sometimes, even if you love a person so much, you will have to let him go. Sometimes, when loving that much to the point of breaking, you can't help but feel desperate and struggle to keep your beloved by your side. But in the end, you will choose to set him free, not because you don't love him anymore, but because you know that he'll be happy that way, even when it hurts, even when it's hard.

"Let me ask time has passed

Do you feel this could last

If you don't, why then stay?

Take your wings, fly away.

I love you way too much

To wanna be the one who brings you down." 

This stanza reminds me that one day a romantic relationship may be over in the blink of an eye. It is a reminder that nothing is permanent, everything is in flux. And more so feelings, for they come and go. When they go, sometimes they return, but most times, they do not. Or it's too late when they do.