Supermoon

So astronomers say that tonight's moon is the biggest supermoon of 2020. Last night I happened to go out to check out my leeks which I have planted after using up the upper stalks and happened to look up at the sky with the golden moon in it. Always the most beautiful jewel. And I envy my plants for being out there in the night sky to enjoy this magnificent spectacle.

If there is one thing I deeply regret this Covid-19, it is that I was not able to pay much attention to my babies. In 2018 I was overcome with this intense desire to do the things I've always wanted to do especially after spending seven months away from home, six in Spain, and one in Indonesia. I felt like a superhero when I came back, even though I found myself in dire straits because of financial problems. I thought to myself, maybe I should just grow my own food so there will be no need to buy. I read up on gardening, bought seeds and thankfully, also received seedlings from many people who are more experienced in gardening. My successes came one after the other for the remaining months of 2018. I was able to successfully get excellent soil from the compost I made from vegetable and fruit wastes. The soil was very dark and it smelled really good. I passed HSK Level 6 at first take and which I prepared for for only three weeks, even though I flunked the listening part as I was not able to focus properly because I suddenly had my period right at the time of the exam and I was only thinking of how to survive the day without making a fool of myself. But then I also think that I am not very good at listening because I struggle with that even in other languages. I was able to pass the comprehensive exam, for me the defining turn if I will continue my masters or not because at that point, I was already too disillusioned with the academe, seeing the same corruption in the government taking place and understanding more fully that even the academe is not spared of nepotism. My exam mates were all shocked to find this girl answering the essays with fury, arriving late in all three exams, and then leaving way too early in all three exams. I was just so depressed back then to find that the stuff I prepared for for two weeks did not show up, and I truly believed it was the end of my masters. But a great miracle happened and I passed the exams. A week after, my money-making wish was also granted. No wonder 2018 will remain my favorite year. I felt like a superwoman back then.

Fast forward to 2020 since there is not much to say about 2019 except for again, the latter part of the year wherein I accomplished very little. For instance, the whole year passed with me not being able to produce a decent thesis proposal. I have been busy learning Business Mandarin as I felt that what we learned in school is too focused on Chinese history and culture and so we graduates are ill-equipped to have business level proficiency unless we do something on our own or enroll in Confucius Institute. Being a language lover, I took on the challenge of doing everything on my own. I was just super lucky to discover excellent books with very good list of business vocabulary accompanying excellent business dialogues. The things I will learn will not benefit me a good deal for a retake of HSK 6 as most words I am learning are not part of the HSK 6 vocabulary. But what the hell, I have long known how mere scraps of paper do not testify to one's competence so I would rather build my skills with or without certificates. I also am proud to finally have made it to Malaysia and to really go around from one city to the other inspite of the smog and haze from Indonesia's forest fires. (I remember writing about this transnational problem during the entrance exam for my masters program.) Backpacking for two and a half weeks made me feel so much more alive. Malaysia is a really beautiful place, except I hate the lack of public transportation which made going around a bit difficult. The food is just superb and I fully understood why they say Malaysia Truly Asia. The food choices are just so wide and as ever, I fell in love with Indian food, Peranakan food, and ate as much asam pedas as I could. A newfound friend there even gifted me with a book "Asam Pedas untuk Dia" when I left his city. I also joined in a trash collection activity and met many earth-lovers. It was tiring and disgusting to pick up cigarette butts and the thought of many smokers nonchalantly throwing butts everywhere is something that I think is very unjust. They themselves should pick up their trash and hopefully quit smoking altogether. I admit when I was young I planned to smoke because I thought it was cool, but I am lucky to have come across important literature on smoking and the harm it contributes to this planet, not just the harmful substances one welcomes into the system, but also social issues of child labor, environmental destruction, artificial famine, etc. So no thanks. I am cool the way I am even though I know in the eyes of others, I am just a weirdo. On second thought there is a lot to be said on my MY trip so I will be writing about my awesome experience there soon.

In 2020, J (or better yet, Q which I think is a cuter name so henceforth I shall refer to him as Q instead) and I are getting to know more about each other. A common classmate, also from the same Russian language class, is set to get married at the end of this month but, since it is announced just today that ECQ will be extended until April 30, the wedding will have to be postponed to I do not know when as there is no official update yet. I chatted with the guy earlier and asked him about possibilities of postponing since my cousin who's getting married in May just announced that the wedding will take place next year instead.

So this ECQ, everyone will probably be expecting that people will finish a lot of tasks, but I am sorry to say that this superwoman is not so super after all. I deal with family stuff and house chores so the thesis will have to take the backseat. It's extra difficult when people in your own family do not see the point of you doing graduate studies and so there is very little moral support. For now I am the one walking kilometers to buy groceries, medicine, and other essentials. I am also expected to cook and wash dishes, among other stuff. Of course, a huge part of my time goes to money-making ventures because I want to live up to my late yaya's wishes for me to become self-reliant and independent, so that never mind if boys will break my heart, at least I can still be my own person. 

It dawns on me at this point how the supermoon can indeed affect the disposition of a person and with many streams of consciousness I find myself asking what the hell am I writing about here. And the title is not apt because I talk very little of the super moon and more about memories of victory, those few triumphant moments in my life that will every now and then inspire me and remind me that miracles abound in this world so I should not lose hope. Heck, I myself am a Miracle.  

International Relations Theory Week 1

So I decided to go back to taking online courses, which I should have done way way earlier to prepare myself for masters. And in 2016 I just jumped into a program with a blank slate except for tidbits of knowledge gained from reading newspapers. The struggle was real, and even up to now, I still struggle with many concepts and theories. The -isms drive me crazy. So in the third week of COVID-19 lockdown (or ECQ/ Enhanced Community Quarantine if you may), I decided to enrich my knowledge of IR concepts, which I hope, will be useful in the future. I'm putting my notes here for posterity's sake since keeping written stuff requires paper. I'm going paperless. Everybody is welcome.

WEEK 1

IR- question of peace and war, conflict and cooperation

- more inclusive in terms of actors and relations (inter-state, inter-society, state-society relations, inter-region, international organization, economic relations)

Thucydides- "History is Philosophy teaching by examples."

- essential task is to understand origins of war

Peloponnesian War (431-404 BC)- after Greeks won over Persian expansion

- between Athens (naval) and Sparta (land-based)

Thucydides's Trap- the fear associated with the shift in the balance of power contributes to the beginning of war. Fear makes states suspect others of betrayal and power for self-defense. International politics is driven not by individuals but by laws of history.

Melian Dialogue- Athens persuading Melos to pay tribute but the latter declined and the Melians were slaughtered. Melos wanted to preserve neutrality.s

Athens: "Right as the world goes is only in question between equals in power, while teh strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must."

- morals and rights only exist between equals and power.

"The standard of justice depends on the equality of power."

Decline of Classical Tradition

- rise of Roman Empire (Pax Romana) left no place for the balance of power concept (no other state to challenge Rome)

- Romans consider those in their periphery as uncivilized and barbarians, who put a threat to their advanced domestic order

(Note: Explains why China never developed IR theory because they never treated others as equals.)

Christian universalism (16th-17th centuries)- permanent transformation from one condition to another with the final destination as end of hitory/ "Kingdom of Heavens"

Renaissance and Return of Classical Tradition

-Italian Wars (1494-1559), the first centralized states, first post-feudal balance of power in Europe

- two powers want the same thing is the beginning of conflict

Decline of the authority of the Roman Pope- Lords of many states' disrespect for Rome and emerging equality of relationships becomes one of the most inspiring reasons for Renaissance political thought.

Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)- "The Prince" written for Lorenzo de Medici

"War should be the only study of a prince."

- war is a normal condition as states are always competing. The main responsibility of the rulers is always to defend the interests of the state and ensure its survival. His only responsibility is to protect his power and the people in his country. 

"The promise given was a necessity of the past; the word broken is a necessity of the present."

- states can give promises to others but may not bear moral responsibility with regards to others. If necessary, a ruler must be ruthless and deceptive while defending self-interest.

"Politics have no relation to morals."

- A responsible ruler should not follow Christian ethics, is states follow these values, they will disappear in the end.

- Similar to what Thucydides said that only strength matters. Politics is so serious that a prince should not approach politics with a normal human attitude to questions like morals, justice, humanism.

Machiavelli draws a clear line between internal and international. What is permissible internationally does not exist inside the society, and what is normal inside of the society like morals or justice does not exist in International Relations

Side note: I was once surprised to find my ex with a copy of "The Prince" and back then I remember feeling he might be corrupted by Machiavellian thought because you know, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. I was right. Looking back, he really acted like a Machiavellian prince except his domain is his family and not a state. He never sincerely cared for others and everything he did is for his family and to increase his stature in his clan's eyes too redeem himself for his past misdeeds. This is why he can easily manipulate people without feeling guilty. He was obsessed about power and glory and never cared about values like integrity, respect, and justice. Looking back, his dividing line serving as basis for how he treats a person is if that person is within his ethnic circle or not.

Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679)

- human beings lived in a condition of "war everyone against everyone" (state-less state of nature) thus a state is needed toe scape from this situation. Leviathan (sovereign state/ supreme ruler) will maintain order and end anarchy, thus making possible economic development, art, and knowledge.

- social contract between individuals and government and the important unit is not the individual, but the state.

Clash of Leviathans: The Thirty Years War

- States are in continuous competition and rivalry because of their independence and jealousies. Survival is the main purpose.

Achievement of personal security and domestic security through the creation of a state leads to international insecurity that is rooted in the anarchy of state system.

Leviathans are doomed to fight a war everyone against everyone because of feelings of insecurity and eagerness for power, wealth, and glory.

It is impossible to establish a Leviathan over Leviathan as states will never give up their sovereignty. Anarchy is a norm and the eternal state of the international system. Individuals can only give up freedoms to the national government for safety and security, and not to world government.

Hobbes was inspired by Thirty Years War (1618-1648; war against the the Hapsburg hegemony)

Peace of Westphalia (1648)- realist triumph

- several negotiations among bureacrats (lawyers) instead of heads of states.

3 principles of Westphalian sovereignty

(In IR, by order, refers to Westphalian order)

1. "Whose realm, his religion"- a sovereign defined religion in a certain area

2. "Every king is the emperor in his kingdom"- all states are independent and equal to each other

3. No one can be stronger than others- balance of power as the key principle of international politics.

And if we look at the international relations nowadays after the end of the Cold War, we will find that when one nation tried to become stronger and become dominant over the others, the others resisted. And the reason for the anarchy in international relations, the reason of the decrease of the order in international relations is exactly because of the conflict around the terms of one power to become the strongest and dominant and resistance of the others. 

Henry Kissinger on the Westphalian order- Not about substance but about procedures, about how states should treat each other, about rules, order, law.

Three Months and Going Strong

More than three months of living away from my beloved country opened my eyes to the harsh realities of the world and when such things happen, you begin to lose faith in humanity. I found some Filipino groups here (not communities as they are very far from the concept of community as source of support) and it breaks my heart to learn that what they say about Filipinos trying to take advantage of fellow Filipinos is actually true. I find this a big disgrace since Filipinos are always known for being warm and hospitable but as it turns out it is exclusively for foreigners. Very few would be happy to help fellow Filipinos, nor can they find peace when they know of other Filipinos' success. This is a far cry from the early overseas Chinese who were able to organize themselves and form associations with the full understanding that in union there is strength and that their cultural survival is very important, as well as the maintenance of ties with the Motherland. Of course the stories abound and such organizations are not without difficulties and not without shameless scrupulous persons who take advantage of immigrants' vulnerability.

I got to know some Filipinos from three main groups. The first is from a group of Filipinos who received scholarships to study here, with whom I have maintained contact. The second is a small group of INC adherents whom I got to know for only a short period of time. The third group is actually not a group but rather scattered Filipinos I met as I continue my journey. I have interacted more with the first group. They are mostly fresh graduates predominantly from DLSU though some graduated from UP, ADMU, and a significant percentage from the Visayas. This group comes from rich families, as they share their stories of having to shoulder their own plane fares to and from PH. Most of the UP students I got to know share experiences which I also observe in other persons in the same group: the rich ones are super liberated and the girls post a lot of sexy bikini photos on their Whatsapp and Facebook. We just laugh it off as something shallow because it is very much clear that they went abroad to find foreign men. White Lovers as we call them. Interestingly, most of the UP students I got to meet are pretty much homebodies like me and we are in the same age group so definitely we do not belong to the latter batches who mostly are rich (Like, do you even see students from poor rural areas in UP? So many things have changed), and prefer going solo when travelling. That just saves a lot of energy. Imagine having to travel with a bunch of annoyingly flirty people who just cannot live without partying. I don't even understand that culture and for me it is repulsive. Why would you pay for something that will make you feel uncomfortable? No thanks. I am happy exploring on my own or simply staying in my flat reading books, watching movies, or simply cooking.

Also, the complaints I hear whenever they tell me stories vary. For instance, these DLSU people form cliques of their own and they IGNORE everyone else. I met only one DLSU graduate who was different and who can mingle with different types of persons. She likes partying and drinking and is quite liberated, telling me about her sexual exploits even! She is an open book and it is clear that she is like that because she values connections for her "future projects".

When the first group encountered some problems with the regional government, instead of demanding transparency and accountability they would prefer to keep silent. One even said, "do not bite the hands that feed you". So poor of him to have poor intellect with very little understanding of how the world works. Rich countries do not offer scholarships just because they are feeling generous. They do so for many reasons. One, the local population is stupid. (Just imagine USA... without the immigrants, it will die because the immigrants especially from Israel, Middle East, and East Asia contribute to the betterment of society with their bright ideas. As in the past when the immigrants provided backbreaking labor to build the infrastructures, so too now they are the source of the US' intellectual capital.) Second, they need to coopt target nationalities to have "allies" in the countries. I have always wanted to study abroad to gain experience but then I am thinking if I get brainwashed then I won't be able to serve my country well. So, no thanks. How many Filipino scholars have continued to fight for the marginalized after studying abroad? I even have a personal experience of being taken advantage of BY A PROFESSOR who was a product of Cambridge University no less. And my ex, a product of Australian education system, idolizes the West so much that I question his loyalty to the country. He in turn points out that I am partly Chinese and at present when China is becoming stronger economically and militarily, I often get insults from him. Like, duh. I always tell him that I am never a dog of anyone and that my principles and my beliefs are my own and not imposed on me by friends in the media or any "influential" person in the West. It doesn't matter how many years I spent in formal schools, I am able to retain my own self-identity because yes I attend classes, but this autodidactic is an explorer who refuses to be limited by books and the four walls of the classroom, more so by the media which is EXTREMELY BIASED AND UNBALANCED because for all we know they are paid by the rich and the powerful (Hello, Rappler and PDI!). So anyway, the third reason why rich countries attract bright students from other countries is for their own locals to experience interculturality and multiculturalism without having to spend bucks to travel abroad.

So it's funny that in the 19th century it was the Filipino middle class who initiated the reforms although it should be noted that history has been replete with small rebellions led by the poor who could no longer bear that injustices brought on them.  At present, I do not know what educators teach the students because their view of democracy is limited only to "majority wins" and to elections. I am even more disappointed to find that there is a UST professor among them who cautioned against sending a letter to the regional government and this UST professor studied abroad and teaches history. I shudder to imagine what she teaches to her students! I am equally disappointed in a UP professor among them who is so cowardly I lost whatever respect I initially had for her. But oh well, she is also a product of western universities so "do not bite the hand that feeds you" applies. I talked to her once about this in the hope of encouraging her to move but cowardice produces illogical excuses. I stopped talking to her after that.

The second group shares almost the same views as I do and they are composed of OFWs who work as domestic workers. I had the honor of being invited to their Sunday worship. Before that, we exchanged experiences and ideas on PH politics and how it is affecting the lives of ordinary people. Most educators focus a lot on the state and on "important" people without giving a damn f*ck about those at the bottom. I got to know more about INC stand on many things because of them. Apparently they don't like Rappler and ABS-CBN for the same reason I have--- they find these two media VERY biased and very elitist. I have been reading Rappler for the past few years but honestly I find it very bad journalism. The "journalists" cannot even write decent articles, and what is equally insulting is that it is very clear that it reflects bourgeois sentiments. What do we expect when the journalists themselves come from the rich??? And their bias is more obvious these days because of their anti-Duterte stand. Like, Rappler, honestly, does the Liberal Party or maybe that grand PH secret leader finance your operations??? So okay I also do not like Duterte but GIVE THE GUY A CHANCE! Here finally we have someone with political will but let's HELP instead of continuously criticizing him! (I am a teeny weeny bit pro-EJK, but I also want to see THE MASTERMINDS punished, those AT THE TOP and not just the poor. In fact, I want all public officials guilty of corruption to BE PUBLICLY EXECUTED to serve as warning to the future leaders and to remind them that their duty is to SERVE the Filipinos and not to destroy the country. Yes I have come to such extreme belief because PH politics is beyond hope and the society is full of brainwashed cowards.)

The third group are also domestic workers who just do not give a damn about what's going on. They only care about themselves and keep on comparing how others are faring. This is the envious group, as I label them. They're not as interesting as the second group but I would also listen to their stories of hardship and loneliness, including their sexual adventures here.

And speaking of romantic relationships, the ex has been asking me if I was dating anyone here. Stupid question. Until now he insults me because he does not know me well enough. Poor guy probably met shallow women all his life that he finds it hard to accept that there are strong independent women out there who can live abroad without men. Never compare me with other girls. I travel to learn more about myself and the world we live in, not to flirt with other men. Like, ewwww, I've had enough of stupid men in my life. I am on a vacation so I am supposed to enjoy and not bring hell into my life.

Indescribable 2016

The last day of 2016, I spent most of the day alone working on my INC's for the simple reason that I do not want to be stressed out early in 2017 when I should be preparing for another hardcore semester. I really am excited but then again whenever I think of the many times I fell sick this year, the many times I thought of either giving up on my dream to obtain an MA degree or resigning from the present company where I have learned a LOT, sometimes I wonder where everything is headed to. This year life presented me with many paths, provided me with glimpses to many possible trajectories in my life as I am nearing 30 (and yet I still feel like a high school student... some people really don't change much).

I don't know how best to describe 2016, except that probably within this year that again, the mind expanded so much. In addition to that, I started to be a real social being, more social than I could ever have imagined. When before I used to do things alone, 2016 let me share some of life's moments with a special someone. (While I am tempted to again reminisce about the good and bad days, I will not. Not in this entry. I will reserve that for part 2 of my open letter.) When friends, especially male ones, used to reprimand me for being too cloistered, it is in 2016 when I finally let down my defenses. Those barbed wires limped, even the snipers became neglectful, the walls came tumbling down. (Two male friends, both who tried to get involved with me romantically, described my social defenses as such, that despite my warmth towards people, I really do not welcome anyone into my very private life.) And it was such an unforgettable experience because I matured socially and got to know about the opposite sex on a level other than mere friendship.

Probably due to my huge loss last year, I seemed to really have thrown everything to the winds this year. I joined strangers on a lecture expedition in Negros and learned a great deal about botany, wondering why the hell I didn't pursue it in college. (But then whenever I immerse in different disciplines I would often think that. Even so, my heart still belongs to languages. Such is the woe of a universalist, time and resources are the greatest hindrances so in the end, one shall content herself in having small bites of everything, like in a buffet.) The whole experience somehow made me ready for the year, a year marked by my return to the academe in the hope of finally getting an MA degree.

Mazu festivities in the streets

street play outside the Mazu Temple

I met relatives in Taiwan. Unlike our relatives here in PH, they were nice to me. They remind me of our relatives in HK who are so hospitable sometimes I felt like a prisoner because they always want to tag along with me wherever I go and I couldn't find enough me time. In Taiwan they only let me wander on my own for just four hours and I visited a temple and it was an auspicious day because they were celebrating the birthday of Mazu (天上聖母, Holy Heavenly Mother). I had to take care of my grandmother and also, people are always worried and I don't want them getting anxious. (But then they should know I can manage on my own. I speak fluent Mandarin and I am good at navigating new places. Sigh.) But I am thankful to them because they told me a lot of stories (my mom almost never tell stories about our relatives) and they treated me to a lot of wonderful food, foremost of which is the famous fragrant fried chicken sold in the sidewalks. YUM!

Wat Phra Mahathat in Ayutthaya, Thailand

The only other country I traveled to aside from Taiwan is Thailand. I booked my plane ticket following another episode of heartache and it was the day before I left for Baguio to join strangers on a hike to Mt. Ulap. I visited a former classmate A and was introduced to W. The three of us shared the same bed and it was a good thing I brought my sleeping bag with me so I didn't need a blanket and still retained my privacy somehow. The sleeping bag ate up half the space of my backpack so I was not able to shop around much which is a disgrace since most would go there to shop for clothes. I only bought a pair of Thai trousers and hankies. (#loser) But anyway, next time I go there, I'll have check-in luggage. HMP.

There just are too many things to do in Thailand and five days are not enough. I remember my former professors who told us about how images of the king are everywhere. Indeed they are, especially since King Bhumidol passed away in October this year. The plazas and monuments are always FULL of mourners in black. WOW! When I walked around Sriraj Hospital and visited some museums there, I discovered why. The king was instrumental in the rapid modernization of Thailand (and now TH surpasses PH in terms of infrastructure!!! They have a subway and an airport railway that's comparable to HK... I wanna cry)

2016 is also the time I finally got to go on solo trips to other places in Visayas aside from Bohol and Aklan. In addition to Negros, I visited Tacloban and Iloilo. Tacloban counts as my least favorite place to go to for the many bad experiences, except that trip also gave me sweet memories because he would always call me every night to check up on me. I almost drowned while bathing in a waterfalls; I didn't know there were deep parts. The horrors. I also hiked on my own, then guided by a kid mid-way who probably took pity on me. That hike resulted to a number of scars on my arms and legs which got office people panicking when they saw me with those scratches, and more so when I told them I went solo hiking. I got disappointed when arriving at Palo, the only heritage structure I saw was the church. I did visit Basey, Samar though and walking on San Juanico Bridge from Leyte to Samar was an experience I cannot forget. Little girl no more as I conquered my fears of crossing bridges on foot alone even though the structure was trembling every time vehicles would pass by. Also, this was my first time to rebook another ticket because I had to be at the office earlier than expected. My original plan of 10 days' leave was cut down to three, but it was all good because I badly wanted to go home already.

crossing San Juanico Bridge on foot

In Iloilo I attended a conference on history but quickly regretted doing so. Then again, my trip was not wasted because I finally saw my fourth baroque church here in PH. So there, I have now seen all four UNESCO heritage churches. So despite the heartaches and despite him not contacting me save for a few emails, I am happy to have achieved something significant this year. I cannot forget the people here in Iloilo. I should have accepted an invite years ago so I could have also visited Guimaras. When R comes back from Germany, I'll plan a trip there for us and hopefully go island hopping. I'll never forget the generous people here who took me in for two nights and even showed me around UP Miag-ao and dropped me off to my next destination which was two towns away or so. The least I could do was buy a tub of ice cream for the house owner's eldest who just turned 5. I was so heartbroken I wasn't thinking straight and before I could realize what I was doing, I said yes to an invitation to spend the night at a stranger's house. All I could think of was that there I was throwing my life to winds, as in a hardcore way.

Miag-ao Church in Iloilo, finally visited all four baroque churches included in the UNESCO heritage list

In Zamboanga City I was not able to wander around freely but then that special someone became sweet and took me on a motorcycle ride at night to see certain tourist spots like Fort Pilar and the City Hall which was made colorful at night because of its many lights. I am very thankful to him for driving me around so I guess one of my fantasies came true, which is to ride as a passenger on a motorcycle. I wish we could do that again, probably in Siquijor or maybe Masbate or Marinduque. Meeting his parents made me nervous but then his family was nice to me so I didn't have a hard time being with them. It's just that of course sometimes I am reminded of certain things and most of the time I wanted to cry but had to hold everything in. It helped that he was sweet while we were there and I will always cherish those moments we had.

Zamboanga Temple (a.k.a. Avalokiteshvara Temple)

In Zamboanga I met the friends of my mentor in historical research. Like her, they were all very friendly and amiable. One even told my fortunes, but I'm not telling anyone. She told me three things which are very true of me, and I didn't even drop hints of that when we were chatting. One thing that struck me was that she correctly said that I am suffering from chest pains and heartache. Okay, I really should try to meditate and calm down and not think about my love life too much. I read an article once that too much heartache can literally kill. Not now when my research has finally took off. Another important milestone is the discovery of a potential sanctuary where I can retire one day. The Buddhist Temple there looked inviting and it was my first time to attend a Buddhist mass while on a trip. (The other choice was a temple in Malabon where my dear great grandmother was cremated.) Unfortunately I wasn't able to visit a mosque. Boo.

Ipo Watershed

Where do broken hearts go? Probably drifting off to nowhere. Those times when I was so heartbroken I would join strangers and go hiking. Still depressed over our breakup in June, I signed up to participate in a tree-planting activity and story-telling engagement with the kids in Ipo Watershed. It was some sort of field trip for me and I got to know more about watersheds and how we can protect them. I also remember feeling like it's been years since I last saw the skies so blue. Following days of nonstop crying, the trip proved to be helpful in making me see the beauty of the world. The last few days of October, feeling betrayed and again depressed, I said yes to traverse Mt. Ulap. I invited a newfound friend whom I met during the tree-planting activity. A humble fellow who seemed to have easily warmed up to me. In one of our stops, I took the opportunity to lie down on the grass and savor the smell of the mountains in the north. Again, I was reminded of the beauty of the world.

Mt. Ulap traverse

2016 also marks the second time I showed Indonesian exchange students around. The National Museum had a free movie screening of the documentary "Call of Our Forefathers" and I invited them to watch with me. It was about Muslim Mindanao and I figured they might be interested. We had lunch at Robinsons Manila where I treated them to Vietnamese fare at Pho Bac. We also went to Solidaridad Bookstore and then were stuck in heavy traffic going to Makati only to head back to QC.

textile exhibit at the National Museum

In October, I watched dance performances at the Asian Center in UP. Pesta Igal was organized by a professor with whom I share the same interests. If I weren't too shy I would one day engage him in a conversation to talk about dances and ethnic music.

Pesta Igal

Another highlight this year is that I finally was able to push through with my first Ramadan experience. I have been telling myself to join our Muslim brothers and sisters for this and this year I succeeded. But I only did semi-fasting because I badly need water. For five weeks I fasted which coincided with my summer classes. It was difficult of course but eventually I got the hang of it. ON the last day though, I almost fainted in the school grounds. I had to take a leave to rest and rejuvenate. The heartache, sleepless nights, sudden fasting, stress at work, and depression all played a part in this. I badly wanted to just die and get over everything. For two months after that, my appetite was greatly reduced, much to the surprise of many.

In terms of skills, I leveled up a great deal again in Excel because of my new roles in the office. I also took Persian language lessons and I am proud to say that in class, I was the only one who could converse with our prof during the oral exam. I also finally took formal Japanese lessons and was often complimented by my profs because I sounded like a Japanese according to them. My many years of watching anime paid off. LOL. Except that I still have a long way to go (I think). A classmate in Japanese offered to teach me how to play the guitar and even connected me to a guitar seller so now I am a proud owner of one meant for performing. Except it will be a long time before I summon the courage to play in front of many people. So now I content myself with playing Chinese songs on it. Sad again because who else listens to the same songs I listen to? Sigh.

So I guess it's still a year well spent. Next year I will take extra good care of myself so that I won't get sick a lot. My sick leaves were greatly decimated this year and I am very unhappy about that. Above all dreams, above all ambitions, health should always be on top of one's priority lists. Also, I have to make sure I take special care of my heart. It's too fragile and the younger me did all she could to protect it, even build strong defenses against people. But I guess, being in love is the most essential human experience there is. It tests your will, your faith, your strength of character. I may just turn out to be one of the weakest persons alive in that department. But okay, deep breath, super deep breath. Here's to 2017!

January 2016

The year opened without a message for myself as I was accustomed to do in the past. The tragedy that struck last year almost paralyzed me and 2016 seemed to be like conquering a new frontier without a compass. It is of course, no big problem for a drifter but having lost an important person whose support had been unwavering and highly encouraging can be devastating.

January is the start of a new chapter in my life. Ten years ago with wide-eyed innocence I stepped in UP Diliman with a big thirst and hunger for knowledge. My first two visits were with the Light. Now, as I embark on a three-year journey towards the fulfillment of a personal goal, I venture alone. I know I can make her proud in this new lease on academic life.

love walking on this road lined with tall trees in Mambukal Resort

solo time at the 7th falls

The first weekend was spent in Negros. It's been a dream to go around Visayas and I am happy that this early I was able to travel. Bacolod is a wonderful place with wonderful people. It's hard to fall in love at first because what greeted me when I entered the city was pollution and it felt as if I were in Metro Manila. But spending time in Mambukal Resort where I hiked up to the seventh falls to bathe with only a guide and then capping off my visit in the ofuro where I chatted with two nice ladies with whom I hitched a ride back to Bacolod, I was temporarily relieved of the depression. 

solo dinner at Mely's garden where I consumed a total of 500 g of seafood. Love the sinigang with batuan and the grilled stuffed squid is also heavenly.

Bacolod Capitol at night

Add to that my awesome stay at Danjugan Island where I got acquainted with bright botanists and where I made friends with some of them. I grew fond of a boy there who's still in his undergraduate studies and I can very well see that with his kindness and brightness he will surely succeed in life. I am also happy to have met cool people with whom I can be comfortable. I wouldn't have expected to share a room with two complete strangers but I did and I think it somehow created an unspoken alliance. Hopefully I get to join them in ethnobotany and other plant research.

honored to be with this wonderful group of botanists

lovely sunset at Danjugan Island which is too beautiful to make one sad

 My last day was spent in Silay but I didn't get to roam around much because I was still tired and sleepy. Nice to have talked to an owner of El Ideal who recommended to me more of Silay's attractions aside from their ancestral houses. We just visited two due to lack of time. I also was able to hear mass at the church but couldn't understand much because everything was in Hiligaynon.

El Ideal's version of pancit malabon: YUMMY!

To make the most of my time before I get busy starting the 3rd week of January, I joined a group of climbers for a hiking adventure. I have been telling my friends countless times that I want to hike up Mt. Manalmon and go on a sidetrip to San Miguel to see the ancestral houses there but everybody was too busy. This time, I didn't let the opportunity pass. We hiked up Mt. Gola first then Mt. Manalmon, both easy climbs. Then we did some caving in Bayucboc Cave. Really except there are some difficult parts there especially for a vertically challenged person like me. Last, we swam at Madlum River.

The following week, I found myself in Laguna. I was invited to an open birthday climb by a hiker who was celebrating his birthday. We became close when we were in Pulag in 2015. Anyway, this time we went falls trekking: Hulugan Falls, Talay Falls, and Hidden Falls. Talay Falls was where we set up rappelling equipment and of the non-experts I was the first to go so I suffered from minor slipping accidents twice. The slope was slippery and one time I slipped and fell into a pool. Thank God I was uninjured but it made my whole body sore for days after.

On the way home from Laguna to Cubao, we had the bad luck of having to stand for some 2 hours inside the bus. My legs were already tired and I badly wanted to sleep. Even so, I managed to take a hot bath at home before going to sweet sleep.

Also this January, I attended the UPFI showing of "Iisa", an indie film about how a typhoon disaster can bind together people regardless of whatever social groups. Bonus is having a groufie with the beautiful Maria Isabel Lopez who was very charming and game. She even taught me the correct angle for the photo! :D

A Bit Ready for Tomorrow

So precious holiday season in 2015 was spent in the office instead of at home. It's okay, as a family we hardly travel together and we see each other every weekends except when I have out-of-town trips. I see it as some sort of distraction to keep me from missing the Light too much. It was the first Christmas, first New Year that she was not with us.

Yesterday browsing through photos in my external HD, I found not a few pictures of her. And luckily she was, for the most part, my subject when I first got hold of my Sony camera in 2011. It's comforting to know that I have saved the videos which still make me laugh because of the silly things she does when on cam, knowing I am behind the camera.

Makes me thankful that at the very least these gadgets are attainable by ordinary people like me. In the 90s only the rich can afford camcorders.

Good news is that I finally was able to tick off five items on my holiday to-do list:

1. Write an article for an online newspaper about the ugly side of the holiday season. I focused more on the huge amount of trash and on illegal street vendors who block pedestrian pathways. The 24th and the 25th were days I finally took courage to bring my camera and do fieldwork in the metro, something I would always shy away from for fear of having my cam stolen.

2. Send photos of artifacts requested by an ex-professor. I have sent the same zipped file for her countless times before. I hope this is the last time. Digging through my files just eats up time for me thanks to my unfocused mind and my tendency to reminisce while looking up photos and videos.

3. Complete tasks for a new project.

4. Finish checking the articles for our little project which ended last November. It's a one-girl team doing all the checking of more than 700 articles!

5. Complete registrations to events. Fingers crossed with hopeful heart.

Now only a few more left:

1. Work on blog backlogs. But sometimes I question myself if it's still relevant. On the other hand, for memories' sake, I'll still do it.

-SG (with focus on my first day spent at Palau Ubin)

-South Korea

-Oriental Mindoro (done with the excavation part, will write about mapping)

-Cavinti falls + visita iglesia part 2 in Laguna

-Laguna part 1 continuation

-farm visit in Sta. Maria, Laguna (my 2015 weekends seem to be spent mostly either in Pangasinan or in Laguna).

-HK wetland park (this I really have to write about)

-Pangasinan part 1

-MX (Teotihuacan, National Museum of Anthropology, Vasconcelos Library)

-Theaters (Rak of Aegis, Mga Buhay na Apoy, Haring Lear)

-Movies (Oro Plata Mata, Stand By Me, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, +plane movies during my MX trip)

2. Transfer my Math noted to index cards. The materials are ready but I just found it hard to sneak this into my schedule.

3. Finish the books I started to read in 2015. Too many to mention. Classic drifter here, yo!

4. Work on my academic papers for publication based on my drafts. At least I was able to present these already. Worked in reverse of what happened in 2014 when I first had my full paper for presentation.

5. Finish the series I started from 2014. (Not really a priority... But I'm itching to share my thoughts on some cool anime series I stumbled upon.)

6. Play music. This I do occasionally to calm my overactive mind.

So there. I'm sure I will have another busy year this year. Bring it on, 2016!

The Art of Literature

Today as I try to put some order in the bedroom, I chanced upon this small piece of paper. Looking back, as a college student, I would borrow books from the library, books which were not required reading but which interested me. My happiest days in college were spent savoring Chinese classic novels and feasting on the literary gems in the form of poetry from different countries. I loved Japanese poetry best, for the subtlety and elegance, the delicate mix of melancholy and celebration of sorrows.

This piece of paper is a transaction receipt from the College of Arts Library, indicating my borrowed items: "Cosmology in Antiquity" and Arthur Schopenhauer's "The Art of Literature". It is from the latter that I derived the quotes in the pic.

On style, Schopenhauer writes that there are two kinds of tediousness:
1. Objective- author has no perfect knowledge he wantd to communicate.
2. Subjective- reader is disinterested in the topic of the author.

Other important thoughts that I found valuable enough to note down are:

"Authors should use common words to say uncommon things."

"Words make truth intelligible."

"Le secret pour être ennuyeux, c'est de tout dire. (...) To use many words to communicate few thoughts is everywhere the unmistakable signs of mediocrity. To gather much thought into few words stamps the man of genius."

"The business of the novelist is not to relate great events, but to make small ones interesting."

On life, which I had been enlightened to at an early age while lapping up the Book of Ecclesiastes:

"Human life is short and fleeting."

On good books:

"A good book should be read at least twice."

On above, I have read not a few good books but due to lack of time, I seldom read a book twice. The Bible I have read numerous times simply because it was the only book I could get hands onto at home when I was young. Now with so many books in my collection, I very rarely reopen a loved book unless required or compelled to do so.

Hazard Maps Seminar @UP NIGS 12052015

Last December 6, I attended a seminar which was forwarded to me by a former ASP classmate. When I first received the invitation, I couldn't inform H immediately if I could make it since that Saturday was already allotted for the office's center-wide Christmas party, something I shouldn't miss since the theme is Rock Music and all of my fave rock bands are sure to be reinterpreted in the different teams' performances. In the end, my love for maps prevailed. I also wasn't too keen on going to Pampanga to party all night.

It was also the last day of a personal project so I decided to just skip the party in favor of this seminar. It doesn't disappoint. Maybe because I am neither an architect nor an urban planner nor a geologist that's why I was happy to have learned a lot. Because mapping is integral in archaeology simply because spatial analyses are also involved, I was super interested in this seminar. It also gave me a chance to know other uses for mapping and why it is suddenly becoming the "in" thing especially in matters involving disaster risk management and mitigation.

Finally happy to see the great Dr. Mahar Lagmay in person (so I made sure to get a fullbody shot!). He talked about Project NOAH, what the project has done so far and upcoming projects which I am very excited about. I hope I can be part of this project. It looks so cool and I have visited their den in NIGS once when we were toured there. And I so love their sophisticated equipment!!! I regret not taking up Geology in college. #cries

Introduced as Dr. Mahar Lagmay's righthand man, Mr. Oscar Lizardo is Project NOAH's Chief Technology Officer who talked about how the average person can use the database developed by Project NOAH and how to leverage the NOAH app.

Arch. Geomilie Guittap discusses the oft-ignored part in disaster management: how to deliver relief goods to affected communities. Hers is an interesting talk that draws parallelism and notes differences between commercial supply chain and humanitarian relief chain. The speaker is someone I would really love to connect to since she is confidently smart with a beautiful heart. (Inspired by Pia Wurtzbach's response in the recently concluded Ms. Universe Pageant.)

Arch. Nicasio Espina Jr. talked about how risk and hazard maps influence design and urban planning and talked a lot about the CLUP (Comprehensive Land Use Plan). While it is cool that we have the CLUP, I am actually far more interested in how CLUP is used, or is it just another theory sadly unused in practice? (I love hs curly hair! And he resembles Hiro Mizushima, the actor who played the lead character in Kamen Rider Kabuto...)

And so spending the whole day in my beloved alma mater, what else is there to regret? Definitely nothing. Parties end when they end, but seminars make possible the beginning of something wonderful because great ideas are shared on the floor for the benefit of mankind.

That ^, and finally knowing a little bit more about urban planning. 

Questioning Our Heroes

A month before my birthday as I was looking for interesting books inside National Bookstore on a lazy Saturday afternoon, I spied Nick Joaquin's A Question of Heroes. Because I was still obsessing over the film Heneral Luna and have been on the lookout for materials about Antonio Luna, I bought the book without a second thought seeing that it tackles the revolutions first against Spaniards then against the Americans. That despite the book costing me PHP350, but I had no regrets because the book was well-written.

A Question of Heroes traces the series of revolutions that took place to where it all started, arguing that it was the creoles who started it all with their campaigns for the appointment of the native clergy. The execution of the GOMBURZA inspired privileged young men, the ilustrados, who obtained education, most of them in Europe, to establish a Propaganda movement which enlisted the sympathies of Spanish politicians. It was the highlight of the whole movement as one after the other these ilustrados made the nascent Filipino community proud by winning competitions and garnering accolades in international settings. And it is precisely because of the ilustrados' achievements later on culminating into a sense of nationhood that Nick Joaquin argues that the entire period from the Propaganda Movement up to the war against the Americans is just a single event aptly named the Revolution of the Ilustrados.

While it is undisputed that the ilustrados fanned the fire to nationalistic tendencies, I have reservations on this since the masses were discredited. I strongly suspect that this is because Nick Joaquin himself came from a privileged family and/or that he is a product of a series of brainwashing and mental colonization done by the Americans when they established the public school system in the Philippines. The book failed to investigate the Dagohoy rebellion and its significance in later revolutions.

What I liked about the book though is that it is very well-written, making it hard to put down. For this, the author really lives up to his title as National Artist for Literature. He writes unapologetically about the heroes we so admire in Philippine history, showing their great blemishes when in highschool all we ever know is their greatness and love for country. Nick Joaquin even goes far as to question that love. Is it really for the Motherland? What is referred to as Motherland? 

The book touches on well-known personalities in the Philippines' pantheon of heroes and delving deep into controversies thus offering more insights into the humanity of these persons whose lives the average Filipino only reads from heavily purged textbooks. It touches on accidental heroes like Jacinto Zamora, on cowardly heroes like Graciano Lopez-Jaena who was unable to act on what he espoused, on arrogant and power-hungry heroes like Andres Bonifacio and Emilio Aguinaldo, on duplicitous and manipulative heroes like Apolinario Mabini, on heroes lost in time like Artemio Ricarte who brought the Japanese into the Philippines to drive out the Americans, and many more interesting stories.

We call them heroes. But how do we really define heroism? What makes a person a hero?

I remember as a college student and keeping an active blog on the now defunct Multiply site, a big figure in the History Department commented on what I wrote (if I remember correctly it was a review of the National Museum).  Curious, I visited his Multiply site and found out that it was Dr. Zeus Salazar, proponent of the Pantayong Pananaw, an intellectual movement that calls for indigenized social science perspective as opposed to the more popular Western positivist stances. In one of his writings, he differentiated between a "hero" and a "bayani". The first, for him, refers to someone with courage, wisdom, and strength. The latter is characterized by his/ her sacrifice and concern for others. Bayani is rooted in the word bagani which means warrior, someone who is ready to lay down his life to protect others. 

In A Question of Heroes, we glimpse the selfish interests these "heroes" had and I think it is interesting and will make for a good debate on whether they are mere heroes or are worthy to be called "bayani".

On second thought, I recall a wonderful conversation I had with a fellow volunteer in the mapping project. He is a Psychology graduate and he points out that we the people at present times must not judge too harshly the people of the past because as the events unfolded before them, they were characters within a story wherein the ending is unknown, unlike us who at present, know well what would transpire. Put in the same shoes in the same historical context, would we know what to choose, how to act, whom to trust?

2015 at a Glance

So finally I can relax and spend more time with my books.

It feels as if I were a student again this year as I managed several things at once. January to April, four months in all, were spent traveling on weekends to different provinces for heritage documentation. As an Iska, this is my way of offering my skills and services to my country without sacrificing my happiness. I almost resigned from my current job but quickly retracted at the last minute after achieving enlightenment. That stint in the US was very tempting, especially since it involved historical documents, but I had to let it go. My life is too full of regrets to add another bad decision.

I was also able to participate in an excavation in February. It was one of my dream sites and I would love to explore every place in Mindoro. I finally visited Singapore and got to stay at Four Seasons Hotel for three nights thanks to my cousin. I returned to Bohol this time as a volunteer in a mapping workshop. It was my first time to be a workshop facilitator.

(Many of my friends are pushing me to work in the public sector seeing how my skills can be put to good use. Then again, I would refuse without second thought. I don't trust the government and I don't want to be put in a situation wherein it would seem like I were working under the government when in fact I am working FOR the government. Ugh! If ever, there is only one project I'd like to be part of but I think I have to level up fast first.)

This year also marks the start of my active participation in the volunteering community. I signed up to distribute goods to schoolchildren in the Mountain Province and participated in painting a school in Botolan, Zambales. For the first, I am thankful to my team mates who donated milk for the kids. 

In June, the Light of my life disappeared, leaving me hurting everytime I think of her. (Just earlier today while at mass in UP, I thought of her and uncontrollable tears rolled down ny cheeks. It must be because the day after my birthday, my sisters asked me if I dreamed of her and I told them I have been dreamless for a long time and they wouldn't believe me yet unfortunately, it's true.)

Another childhood dream was achieved when I went to Mexico this year to attend a conference. Even though it was just for 10 days, it will remain as my most unforgettable trip. I never thought I had that courage to go that far on my own. After that, I felt like I could go anywhere in the world. (Okay I exaggerate. I will certainly have second thoughts about going to India on my own.)

A trip to HongKong was just what I needed in August to give in to wanderlust without killing the wallet that much. It was good to be with my cousins again and I will very fondly cherish my first bike adventure because they were with me. Also, I am surprised to find myself booking a flight just to attend a seminar abroad. While in HK, I made sure to finish my powerpoint presentations and scripts for my paper reader since the trip coincided with a conference where I was to present two papers, both on heritage documentation, a big leap from my 2014 paper which was on archaeology and animé.

September to November passed by with me too focused on work. Those months were uneventful except I finally found the time to attend concerts and plays. The whole month of November, I participated in the Asian Month and I submitted a few articles, mainly writing about extraordinary Thais who contributed to positive changes in Thailand. It was also during this time that I went out with friends again since prior to this, it was always hard to ask me out. I also assisted a friend archaeologist in touring his class around Binondo for two days and one day in the National Museum where I gave a short lecture on glass artifacts.

Today marks the end of a personal project. Plus I attended a seminar. It coincided with our company Christmas party in Pampanga but I chose to attend the seminar seeing it as more important. Walking inside UP Campus on a drizzling night, I took in the smell of wet earth, mushrooms, and frogs which I so miss. UP has been and will always be my sanctuary.

The remaining days this month will see me reading history books and writing papers in preparation for next year.

Hong Kong 2015

So for the third consecutive year since 2013, I found myself in Hong Kong again. I wss supposed to book a flight to Taiwan to attend a seminar but found budget inns too expensive still. So in the end I chose HK since I can stay at relatives' house. I'd also like to see my cousins again, to somehow make up for lost time. I'm afraid they might grow up too fast.

I arrived in HK at around 6PM. Bus from the airport to an aunt's house was pretty convenient. In my trip last year I already learned the art of commuting by bus since it's cheaper though not too easy for a non-local. But I took down notes on what bus to take to go to my relatives' houses last year so I'm still confident I wouldn't get lost.

My first night was spent in front of my cousin's computer since I had yet to finish my powerpoint presentation and the script that would go with it for my reader who requested to have the files sent early so she could review them.  my cousins must have laughed hard deep within seeing me nodding off sleepily while still typing away. Sigh. I still am glad to have finished the other paper last Sunday.

The following day, I went to Tin Shui Wai in New Territories with my aunt to see the Wetland Park. It's too far from Kowloon so the trip ate up a big portion of my Octopus card load. Still itbwas nice having the chance to walk around. I like Singapore's Palau Ubin more though. For late lunch, my aunt treated me to Café de Coral, the number one fastfood chain in HK. I love the fact that it served veggies, too.

The 27th and the 28th were spent in the seminar. I did get to walk around Central and Wan Chai and even saw the exhibits at the Geological Museum inside Hong Kong University. HKU now has an MTR station unlike the last time when I had to walk far just to see it. It's one of my dream universities...

Also, going around Central and Wan Chai, I found Philippine-related markers. Two were related to Rizal because Rizal lived for a time there and was even acquainted with Sun Yat Sen.

On Saturday, I had my first biking experience. It was really awesome! Thing is, I rode a bike with trainer wheels since I don't trust myself when it comes to extreme sports. It's a good thing I did otherwise I wouldn't be able to enjoy the beautiful sceneries we passed by. Did I say that it rained that morning so I got to also visit the Hong Kong Heritage Museum? But we only saw the temporary exhibit on Bruce Lee's life.

On Sunday I went to the wet market with another aunt. I love going to markets to see fruits and vegetables and fish. Everything looks perfect in HK and my aunts would joke that they inject chemicals into the fruits to make them look juicy and fresh. LOL

Then it was time to go. That afternoon, I would have loved to stay one more day and attend a concert. But I guess, that will have to be for next year. I really hope my sisters can go with me to HK so ny aunts can get busy wth them while I take off on my own. I love spending time with myself especially when abroad. I do appreciate and enjoy their company though. They teach me the real meaning of family, something I do not experience with my relatives on my mom's side.

One Direction

So this month I finally decided to quit being a drifter. The years following my highschool graduation have been spent in fantasyland, with me not owning up to my shortcomings, thinking I would be okay and that I would do well in any field. The message from my peers and teachers in highschool about me being able to excel in anything has, despite the good intentions, drove me to be complacent and mediocre. While I found myself being good in the fields I entered, I knew deep inside that I could have done better.

Just that I got distracted a lot. Just that I loved too many things too much. The humanities--- the arts, literature, music; mathematics, science and technology, the outdoors. People often comment about how well-rounded I was. But they do not know how this has impeded me from achieving my true potential.

Take math and logic for instance. Those were my favorite subjects (alongside English) but come college I would choose foreign languages although many times I thought of shifting to Math or ComSci had my parents not been too strict with me when it comes to financial matters. Back then all I thought about was finishing my course to land a job, earn money, then travel the world.

But such linearity does not suit me because right after graduation as I was taking up Trigonometry, I chanced upon the announcement at ASP about grad school application. Without thinking, without even a plan, I submitted the requirements and found myself toiling hard with coursework while joining fieldworks and making sure I work hard to earn money on the side. Those were difficult times because I literally came to know what "hand to mouth existence" means. Sometimes I would feel as though I were wasting my time attending classes where I leave the class not even a bit wiser, or wasting my youth getting sun burns and insect bites which, according to my mom, is a ridiculous thing to do when I should be taking care of my fair skin thanks to her genes.

In hindsight, I guess what I truly got from those two years was not archaeological knowledge and knowhow but the construction of character. Had I not delved into archaeology and met different kinds of people, I would have remained the world's most naive person. My friends still think I need to work something out to balance my naivete but they often remark that at least I am learning. If there is one thing I learned it's that people will use you as much as they can if you let them. It took a while before I learned to say no. I was just too naive and stupid to think so nobly of others, that they won't ask for help unless they reached their limits. Apparently I was too locked in my own thoughts that my ideas I project unto others. Until concerned people noticed. Until I felt the unsettling feeling of carrying too much burden, burning myself out in the process.

For a change I decided to finish my diploma course and quit. I have to see what the corporate world has to offer, to see for myself if it's really a jungle out there with all the nasty gossips and ugly politics. I entered in all my naiveté. A whole new world full of pretentious and insincere people. But I also consider myself lucky finding friends in the corporate jungle. I used to think that everybody could be my friend, until I learned about people with two faces. I was aghast. I became cautious, and now I learned how to filter people that enter my life. I wouldn't have been forced to learn that had I not experienced what the corporate world is like.

Even with all its negativity, I would have to say that my experience in the corporate world has been invaluable. There I learned to tap into my erstwhile unknown pool of knowledge. The things I never thought I could do, I did there, forced by circumstances. Because in my mind, I am getting paid to do my job, but deep inside of me, exceeding expectations has been the default. Because I always think that there's a better way to do things, that we can all grow and learn even though on the surface everything already looks perfect.

Stretching myself further from the apparent limits I used to set on myself has been a double-edged sword. I got immersed in many things and my desire for continuous excellence drove me to explore more at the expense of the things I have loved doing. Many times I wish I could do kagebunshin no juutsu to do many things but at the end of the day is the realization that I am no Superwoman, that I am a mere mortal who must prioritize or perish in an overwhelming ocean of possibilities.

Today receiving two emails from a university I applied for, I am more determined to complete the requirements to make myself eligible for the program. This month I resolve to have one direction: work on my deficiencies and leave all unrelated things in the backseat.

I will not be young forever so I must hurry to achieve my childhood dreams before it is too late. Recently I have just turned down many travel offers because I need to focus more on building skills and competencies for my future self. This with the consolation that I have traveled a lot anyway the past 3 years. Not that I am quitting my backpacking adventures, just that there will less of them in the coming months.

For now, my objectives include working on my huge backlog: 2014 (HK and South Korea) and 2015 travels (SG, MX, numerous local trips), practicing the violin and keyboard, and continue studying Japanese.