Rama, Hari (Ballet Philippines on Youtube)

Earlier this week, I chanced upon a Facebook post announcing that Rama, Hari will be on Youtube live today at 3PM. I watched the 2PM show in 2012, but for some reason, I was not able to blog about it. I remember falling in love with the music, especially the drums, not caring much for ballet although the performers were all really good. Stage props were not given much effort but I loved the costumes.

This afternoon, I was trying to focus on studying Business Mandarin but the sweltering heat is too much that I fell asleep, waking up shortly to check out FB and found that Rama, Hari had already started. Good thing I saw that post, or I would have totally forgotten about this free Youtube offering.

I chose to watch on my laptop and was disappointed that the video is not on HD, the sounds were equally bad. I wonder why CCP did not opt to make this more worth it for viewers at this time of Covid-19 lockdown. No wonder the performance arts in the Philippines are not popular and the average Filipino will choose low quality entertainment which does not enrich one's intellectual experience. While I am grateful to CCP for relieving memories of this excellent collaboration among our five National Artists, I will have to say that there is much work to be done to promote the arts among the people. I envy my parents' time when everybody seems cultured (yet maybe in the wrong way because they are too flooded with American stuff) that my parents at least know musicals. In my generation, I have few friends who are into theater. In our family as always, I am the only one among us siblings who is into these kinds of things.

I cannot help but compare this to UK's The Show Must Go On! Youtube channel. Weeks prior, they made The Phantom of the Opera and its sequel Love Never Dies available for everyone for 48 hours in order to gather donations for The Actors Fund. So HD version is uploaded and memories of utter awe came back to me. I wonder if Filipino performance artists are also being cared for in the same manner. But I guess they are left to fend for themselves. This country has been made poor by corrupt government officials especially by political dynasties for so many decades now and nothing has changed. Truth be told, although I worry about people having financial issues during this time, I cannot bring myself to donate to organizations because the money will eventually be controlled by politicians who will just pocket most of it, leaving very little to those truly in need. 

***************************************

On another note, I remember the paper I wrote together with other Southeast Asian students on Ramayana. Last year I chanced upon a Mashable article on the Ramayana versions in SEA which is like an article version of our group's paper. I don't know who the writer is, but it does not even acknowledge its source which I suspect is our paper because that exactly is our paper topic. I suspect that it being a group paper and it being submitted to the program organizers, the paper must have fallen into the hands of an intellectually deficient academician-wannabe in search of an easy paper to write. Of course I find it insulting because I headed that group paper and contributed the most to it, spending sleepless night poring over sources and revising the paper to make it coherent and consistent given that there were six or seven of us with our own assigned parts, each with his/ her own writing style. 

So anyway, since I remember our paper, I will share a bit of information about Ramayana and the Philippines. The Maranao people have their own version and the title is Maharadia Lawana. Curiously, the title name focuses on Lawana, the indigenized version of Ravana. And watching Rama, Hari now makes me wonder how come CCP or Ballet Philippines do not use this material instead for the performances to inform the audience that we receive many Indian influences which the average Filipino does not even know of. As always, it is the elites who keep these things to themselves and those "intellectuals" who reside in their ivory towers.

四月天/ Spring Music

The lockdown in Metro Manila was initially set to end on April 14 and as soon as April came, Youtube has been very smart in recommending videos. I chanced upon three very nice and heart-warming songs about springtime and would like to share these songs as I have been listening to them on loop and I see no possibility of stopping any time soon. When the lockdown was extended, these songs have given me a reason to still smile and see the beauty of the world. 

Many know that I very rarely explore Western music nowadays. I am not up-to-date with all the fad these days because most songs, even local ones, talk about sex and drugs and whatnot. I miss the days when songs are gentle and romantic. Of course I am also into dark emotions, being a big fan of Linkin Park and Simple Plan, but then most times the soul craves really good music.

Last year, I discovered a lot of musical talents in China. I tune to to singing contests to look out for awesome singers. These singers do not just sing, they reinterpret songs and they really own the music. One of my first idols was 陈冰 whose vocal stamina really blew me away. Eventually I would be lapping up music by Tibetan artists and just fall deeply in love with their vocal range, the harmony emerging from combinations of different textures, the melismatic singing style that can put one in a trance, and discovering popular artists along the way.

One very beautiful song that intrigued me was a song by Dolphin Princess Jane Zhang (张靓颖).  The video I saw was 11-minute long from the music show 经典咏流传. After her performance, there was a short Q&A about the song and its connection to Zhang's personal life, especially her city Chengdu. Apparently, some parts of the song are actually derived from one of the most popular Tang poets 杜甫 (Du Fu) who was a contemporary of the more well known 李白 (Li Bai). The latter cannot be unknown to any Chinese who's had Chinese education as we are made to memorize his most famous poem 静夜思 (Thoughts on a Silent Night). I still know the verses up to now. I honestly knew about Du Fu only around my college days when I frequented a literature forum and there was a Canadian college student there whom I took a liking to because at such a young age he was very knowledgeable about literature and is also very much into Chinese literature, citing Du Fu more often than not. 

So anyway, I found the song super beautiful that I searched for the full episode and was super awed by how China reinvents itself from old traditions. Classical poems from different dynasties are transformed into songs and reinterpreted by professional singers. Since the song talks about the gentle spring rain and how it moistens all things silently at night. As explained by Zhang, she wanted the song to reflect the gentleness of old traditions in Chengdu, for it to have the flavor of the place, for it to be like the spring rain in Chengdu wherein the precipitation is very fine that instead of wanting to hold up an umbrella, you would instead feel comfortable. In fact, one poetry master commented that Du Fu lived most peacefully in Chengdu and has grasped the very unique characteristic of Chengdu's spring rain. Now I want to go to Chengdu badly. A Chinese scholar I met in Spain would always tell me that the hotpot in Chengdu is the best. Another bonus is that Chengdu is in Sichuan province so I would definitely unleash my foodie mode there. OMG I hope somebody sends me to China once all this Covid-19 thing is over.

And while listening to 春夜喜雨 nonstop one night, I finally also searched for 李春宇 (Chris Lee) whose name appears in some articles I read because of her winning the Super Girl contest despite his androgynous look. While I have been hooked for weeks now, it's just a few days ago that I realize that she may just be the live version of Sailor Uranus, and both are also into music. CUTE! <3

I don't like all of Chris Lee's songs so I am glad that Youtube first showed me 春风十里 which is about a person pining for someone. I imagine Q singing this to me because of the last line that says, "I say that there is not one wine that compares to you", because a few days prior we were chatting and we both said we miss each other. He suggested that we drink after lockdown and I said sure as long as he does the mixing coz he's really good at it and when I am with him, I feel safe. [Except it's been two weeks since we last had a really nice chat and our last chat was brief and not so good because he was angry at someone. Or I don't know, maybe he just stopped caring about me. But it's all good if that's what he wants. But as always, I am waiting in vain for guys to just tell me outright. But whatever.]

I was surprised that Chris was also featured in 经典咏流传 and she sang 你是人间的四月天 (You are Humanity's April Spring) which is adapted from a contemporary poem written by a mother for her son. The first time I heard this song, I felt like it is addressed to the our frontliners, to all the heroes doing all the work to prevent further transmission of Covid-19. Just so timely that Covid-19 will peak in April and so frontliners work extra hard. The song is full of beautiful imagery portraying spring and likens the object of affection to this beauty. It ends with 你是爱， 是暖， 是希望，你是人间的四月天 (You are love, warmth, and hope; You are mankind's April spring). I shared this song to Q thanking him for also being like an April spring to me. [And as I have already mentioned, right now we no longer chat. Maybe he got pissed when I subtly hinted at wanting to do a video call together the last time we chatted and he was in a foul mood. But whatever. I miss him. And again, whatever.]

Love Forever (Ragnarok Online)

Last week, while COVID-19 lockdown (aka ECQ/ Enhanced Community Quarantine) is on its second week, J sent me a music video of "Love Forever". I wasn't familiar with the song but a quick search shows that it is from the massively popular MMORPG Ragnarok Online. Unfortunately I did not play the game although it did attract me a lot when I was in highschool because of the super cute characters and poring! But I was a poor kid back then, I had to rely on making and selling reviewers for my batchmates to earn money, and the money earned went straight to my college fund. Back then, I was so afraid that my parents would not let me study in college because of their super backward thinking that girls should remain at home, that girls will eventually just get married so an education is not at all needed. But I think it's just a pretext and the very reason they didn't want me, especially my mother, to get higher education was because I outshone my brothers and it was a big blow to her ego as we three girls were raised by our nanny, my dearest yaya. So anyway, early on, all the money that ever came to me was sure to be for my education, and I just contented myself with anime DVDs which I borrowed from friends, so playing R.O which required prepaid cards was out of the question. That, plus paying for prepaid internet cards.

"Love Forever" is actually a duet and the song talks of two lovers who can't see each other and although separated, never cease to think of the other and to wish to go to where the other is. It's a cute song. Later on, I found another duet mixing Mandarin and Japanese, which I readily shared to J. So here I am reproducing the lyrics in the CN-JP version together with my own translation.

蔚藍的天　雲化成你的臉        Blue skies, the clouds transform into your face
你的笑　你的眼　又佔據我的視線   Your smile and your eyes occupy my vision again
暫停時間　沒有離別想念        Time is paused and thoughts where there is no separation
守候在你身邊　直到永遠        Stay by your side forever

空に浮かんだ雲なら   If I were a cloud that floats in the sky
あなたにも屆くの      then I can follow you to be by your side
別忘記　我們共同的誓言  Do not forget our promise
この空の(天空的)　那一片藍天  This sky, this blue sky
追逐到永遠                         We will chase it until forever

Forever In My Heart
不管距離多麼遠     No matter the distance
未來の幸せを夢みてる We will dream of the future together
飛到你的身邊　傾訴著我的思念 I will fly to your side and will pour out my thoughts
我和你的愛戀　ふたリの愛と(兩人的愛) Our love, the two of us will love until forever.
愛直到永遠                            
Love Forever

細語耳邊　在夢醒的晨間        Waking up in the morning with a gentle whisper 
你的吻　你的戀　又在我心裡盤旋 Your kiss and your love still linger in my heart
寄語藍天　傳遞我的心願      I send my heart's desire to the blue sky
回到那一瞬間　期待不變      To go back to that moment and wait unchanged

空に羽ばたく鳥なら          If I were a small bird flying in the sky
あなたへと飛ベるの    then I can fly straight to your arms
只要你　此刻就在我懷間   Only you are in my mind at this very moment
この空の(青空中的)　飛翔在藍天 This sky, flying in this blue sky
一直到永遠                       until forever

Forever In My Heart
不管距離多麼遠      No matter the distance
再び會える日を信じてる I still dream of the day when we can embrace each other
飛到你的身邊　傾訴著我的思念   I will fly to your side and pour out my feelings
我和你的愛戀　ふたリの愛と Our love, the two of us will love until forever.
愛直到永遠
Love Forever

Forever In My Heart
不管距離多麼遠     No matter the distance
未來の幸せを夢みてる We will dream of the future together
飛到你的身邊　傾訴著我的思念 I will fly to your side and will pour out my thoughts
我和你的愛戀　ふたリの愛と(兩人的愛) Our love, the two of us will love until forever.
愛直到永遠                            
Love Forever

So I have been listening to this song for about a week already and it made me realize that for some reason, the songs he shares to me somehow become meaningful. Last month, he shared Yuna Ito's "Trust You" which I first thought was a cover of Megumi Hayashibara's song of the same name, the ending song of Shaman King, a beloved anime from my childhood. And I started to listen to the song no end that when we met for karaoke with my friends, I was able to sing it with him.

I like getting songs from people. I'd like to think that what they're sharing is not just the music that moved them, but that they send the song as a heartfelt message when their own words fail them. But I also know that I should be careful not to read too much in these gestures. The world is full of heartbreakers and I cannot afford to have my heart broken again, not when I have successfully picked up the pieces. I must remember his words on an unforgettable February 14, when he gave me a single rose bud which he bought from the sidewalk on his way to SM North EDSA while I waited for almost two hours for him. As he handed it to me together with a brown bag, he said that the rose is for me so that I will feel in one with the crowd since almost every girl's getting one. The brown bag is from his mother, a hair curler packaged in Japanese. I thought, how untimely since I just cut my hair that morning, only to realize later on that it was timely after all since my hair can be wild when short. When later on I thanked his mom in person, she said it was to test if the curler works. So okay. I really should not read too much.

I mean, I don't want to get delusional again and think that there is something special going on with me and J. He himself told me that he was not ready for a relationship after being traumatized by his past relationships. So that in itself already tells to my face a big NO. So I am again left wondering why boys come to me in the first place, make me feel special, and then tell me they have no desire to be in a relationship. I've heard that before and it is all too familiar. It's their polite way of saying they don't like me as a romantic partner. I wish they can be brutally frank like me to make it all easier. So all the more reason to keep my heart guarded because I am noticing the same pattern. It might just be another disastrous affair that will leave me feeling bankrupt and empty in the end. I don't want to go through another hellish of questioning myself and justifying to myself that they are just the wrong guys and that the right man has not yet come. How do you know which one is the right man unless you dive into the cesspool of dating?

So many questions. The overanalyzer in me is revived. The tears have already begun...

Insensitive X 等你下课

Last night I was reading some articles on Chinese media and in between, was listening to Jann Arden's "Insensitive" and 周杰伦's "等你下课". I have heard both songs many times, "Insensitive" maybe n the radio, and "Waiting for You" at the height of my obsession with Jay Chou's albums a few years after graduating from college. In Bicol, while having dinner in a bar restaurant, a band with sexy singers sang "Insensitive" and it never left my mind since. Now, I know many songs but I unfortunately do not know the titles, but it should happen that while eating a bowl of roast duck noodles on Wednesday night, this song was playing and I took note of the chorus' lyrics then searched for the song upon arriving at my flat. And voila, I put the song on loop in preparation for some karaoke night. Tonight actually, J invited me out to karaoke with his friends but the meetup was at 6:30PM and I only read his message at past 6PM so I said no. It could have been the perfect moment to sing this song. 

So remembering Jay Chou again, I searched for one of his earlier works which is 等你下课. And damn it, watching the animated video as well as the live version broke my heart to pieces. I ended up crying so hard late at night. I can very well imagine the pain of being unnoticed by someone you like, even after all the efforts you have exerted to win his/her attention, and even affection. I came to reflect on what happened in Sagada in 2017 when a doctor  who was part of the volunteer team found it incredible that I regarded boys as uncaring. He just came from a breakup which I knew nothing of, and the reason was that his ex did not put in much effort in the relationship, or so he complains. Oh well, as I would always say, we only hear his side of the story. He might be doing something that pisses the girl off and I should know because once a girl no longer cares, it only means that the guy messed up. Then again, that's just  in my opinion because I'm the kind of person who loves fully and if I like a person I would go to great lengths to do things for him/her (applicable to friends also!). 

And it got me thinking of the many things I have already done for J this early. Relationship experts always caution girls to feign indifference and let men chase after them I've broken all the rules before and it indeed ended in tragedy, with me feeling resentful for allowing myself to be used by an evil person who uses people instead of caring and cherishing them. In the end, after he finally broke off with me for real after graduating, I resolved never to go back. Months later, he had the guts to message me and ask if he could use my credit card to make a phone purchase. I was dumb-founded to find a real living person who is so full of himself and so entitled still to my resources even after all the things that he did to me. But shortly after, I laughed it off as something so pathetic. There is no chance that I will go back to the hell I survived. I even unfriended all his family members on Facebook but not without having the decency to tell his youngest sister that I needed to do it for my peace of mind. She asked if her brother and I had a fight. I have expected that he didn't say a word to them but I gracefully told her that whatever happened is between the two of us and I asked that both our privacy be respected (I felt like a showbiz personality saying that. LOL.) Anyway, it felt good that despite me wanting to bitch out on him, I chose the high road and I think that was the time I knew that I have finally achieved sweet nirvana when I thought that moving on was impossible. 

Sometimes I get paranoid and imagine what if all men are like that, what if J turns out to be like him? I am already starting to like him and have started to express my emotions slowly and so does he but he never says anything along the lines of "I like you". He  would instead comment that I always look beautiful in our photos, which he takes using his phone coz his camera is way better than mine. He is always the perfect gentleman and I hope it's not just because of upbringing but more so because he's having feelings for me, too. But then I stopped asking too many questions after he threw back the same question I asked on NYE. I liked him more when he came over and spent Chinese New Year at home because I invited him for dinner. I cooked chicken dumpling soup and asam pedas. My sister also cooked that night and her lohanchay was good, thank God! J brought peanut butter ice cream which we didn't get to eat until today because it was too soft. So anyway, he already met my mom and my two sisters. It was a good thing my father was out that night as he is a very difficult person.

08152019

While I am not one to travel for less than five days, I found myself saying yes to an unusual invitation from a former classmate.

We used to sit in the same class on my last semester in college. In that class, I was almost always late because I had to run from the gym (I had table tennis for PE) to my home college. My normal attire then was my UP PE shirt and the volleyball jersey shorts given to me by a highschool friend, and rubber shoes. Since I was usually the last one to enter the classroom, I had the special seat reserved for me, that seat which students would not dare take because it is the one nearest to the professor's table. Good thing I had no qualms about it and have never been intimidated even by terror professors. In fact, most of my classmates admired me for my ability to approach even the most feared of professors and to ask uncomfortable questions. So anyway, those times, that former classmate and I never spoke to each other. Just plain hi or hello. He was always seated between his two friends, one was friendly towards me, the other was a noisy guy in class. I remember being amused with those three because they seldom did homework and yet they endeared themselves to our professors by means of class participation and jokes.

This former classmate and I became Facebook friends but we never had any meaningful interactions save for a few likes of posts or photos, and at one time, he invited me to his house to celebrate his birthday but I wasn't able to attend. In fact, I had no plans of attending because I was afraid of being out of place since I am not like people my age who drink and party a lot. Also because back when we were classmates, I had a little crush on him and I stay away from my crushes because I saw crushes as threats to my peace.

So it came as a big surprise when a week after his birthday, he chatted me up on Facebook and asked if I was in Manila. Friends ask this same question whenever they want to meet and so they check first if I'm even in the metro. I don't know what spirit possessed me at that time or maybe it was out of reflex, I replied "yeah, wanna meet up?" And we agreed to have dinner near my workplace. I was able to keep myself calm upon seeing him. He used to be my crush and whenever I saw him in class I couldn't help but think that he must be a very nice person and a shy one at that. When I first saw him that time at the mall, I was surprised to find his size more than doubled. But he looked way more approachable now compared to the slimmer him. He used to resemble the Korean version of Domyouji (played by Lee Min Ho) and I happen to like guys with curly/ wavy hair, makes them look so hot and sexy. Later on, I thought to myself, maybe if he was still the same size when I first met him, I wouldn't have agreed to go out because he would seem like a threat to my peace, and that is the last thing I wanted after having just moved on successfully.

His pick: YAYOI. Awesome Japanese food. It's easy to see that I am a consumer of Japanese culture and cuisine.

It was a simple catch up. I was a bit nervous because I really knew nothing about him except that he travels way more often compared to me. So I had to make sure to stick to safe topics and he also made me feel at ease. He talked about his family and I was surprised at how he seems to be comfortable talking about his childhood trauma to me, a mere classmate who hasn't seen him in almost a decade. I could very well relate since my family is pretty toxic, also. But at least I had my yaya who was my source of comfort in this cold dark world. I told him about my potted plants and how I would love to own a piece of land just so I can have my own vegetable garden.

My sister and I had agreed to go home together and when she got tired of shopping, which is unusual BTW, she texted me asking when are we going to finish. So we had to part ways and I even forgot his name when I introduced him to my sister. (It was super embarrassing but nothing can compare to  what happened late last year when I went out with a guy whose family is friends with my brother's fiancée. We had lots to talk about because we both travel a lot and after getting dinner and some ice cream, we exchanged numbers only to find out we both forgot each other's names! How awkward and stupid was that! I still laugh when ever I tell that story to my friends.) So J mumbled his complete name which is rather long and I find it cute and I really didn't comprehend half of it but I suddenly remembered his nickname! My sister asked me again his full name when we were headed to the van terminal and I just said, I forgot. Shucks.

So anyway, I didn't want to give it much thought except I am happy that someone from my past without much connection to me reached out and went out with me. It felt like my reconnection project after finishing my post-graduate diploma studies. Weeks after, I invited him to watch movies at a film festival but he declined due to an emergency. We lost contact for a while and out of nowhere he messaged me and asked me to travel with him just because he found me one very cool person. (Spending New Year's Eve with him up until daybreak of 2020, I remembered to ask him what he meant by "cool" then and he said that I was fun to be with. The same comment I get from my male friends who just want to hang out but never did try to pursue me romantically.) So in October of 2019, we went to Albay together with my roommate in Penang, a girl whom I eventually regretted bringing with us because she was overly dependent on us and cared only about herself. We stayed in his house the night before our early morning flight and he cooked fish curry for us. He used pampano and it was really good, except I would have preferred a spicy version. That was the first time I saw how cool J was. And he became an even cooler person in my eyes because he never complained even when we stayed in a non-AC room, even when in Rapu-Rapu Island we never did any of the touristy stuff and had simple meals in the local carinderia. We swam in what the locals call "Look" which is a bay facing the open sea. It was pretty safe, not much waves. I saw how strong he is when we hiked to the waterfalls and back. I wanted to hug him if only because he reminds me of my favorite panda Po, as he tried to keep up with us. In order to make the hike a bit entertaining and less tiresome, I played sweeper so I could keep an eye on him in case something happens and sang animé songs like my favorite Fields of Hope. The objective was to lighten up the atmosphere because I was thinking maybe he didn't like all the strenuous activity. I was surprised he knew the song! And I think I began to like him when we did some karaoke with the locals and it turned out that he is karaoke king! WOW! I once told myself, I wanted to be with someone musically inclined and who knows how to cook. Maybe he is sent by the heavens to me.

I finally got to see the majestic almost perfect cone of Mt. Mayon, pride of Bicol.

Never mind that he didn't greet me on my birthday. Never mind that he still hasn't handed to me the dried fish he bought in Seoul in September as of this writing. But when I was asking around who'd love to go with me to a concert where Ben&Ben would be performing, he was the only one who said yes. We had early dinner at High Grounds in Timog area. He said he used to play computer games there. The café has really cool fusion food. He planned to treat me but I was almost 30 minutes late so I volunteered to pay the bill. I´m so happy to find someone who´s super passionate about music and who can understand me whenever I talk about why I love this kind of music and why not that kind of music. We shared a cup of DQ ice cream during the concert and after that, went for some milk tea, my first time to taste Macao Imperial. Then we headed to a cool karaoke place where the mic seems to beautify everything. We did 2 hours and he dropped me off at our village gate at 3AM, the latest I went home to since we moved to the north. Before arriving home, I managed to ask him if he has plans of settling down and he said, if given the chance, why not.

The sunset as viewed from our simple room in Rapu-Rapu Island

The next few days saw us becoming closer in chats. I was starting to feel at ease with this guy who´s just so talented and so kind I cried a couple of times whenever I remember stories of his exes. Of course everything was from his POV but then imagining the abuses he´s had suffered from different people, my heart hurt for him and I cried. Why do people hurt good people and love bad people? Everytime we're together and remember all the pain he's been through, I wanted to hug him and protect his happiness, seeing that he is a very nice person although he has numerous flaws of his own. I was thinking what if years back I had been bold enough to be friendly with him, what if I attended his birthday party in 2013, what if I confessed to him back then? On second thought, looking back, me during my undergraduate years is an angry girl and I might not be able to give him the love and care he deserved.

Bicol's famous chili ice cream at 1st Colonial (NAIA T3): I had the spiciest one. He had the less spicy version. 

I invited him to jog around UP but we ended up walking and going on a mini food trip. That was fine. I actually foresaw that already. We talked more about relationships, his past mistakes which he regrets so much. I asked how his brother is doing after a sudden breakup with his fiancée. Out of the blue, he said that marriage is just something society expects from us and all the postmodern stuff. It made me sad, because it seemed like suddenly he changed his mind about marriage. While right now I am still ambivalent about marriage, I am pretty sure I'd want to have children of my own, although at times I fear that bringing them into this world might be a bad idea because of the chaos and the prevalence of heartless, robotic humans. At this point I was surprised to learn that he wrote a children's book. We talked about poetry and songs and how he likes Sylvia Plath and postmodern stuff and I said I like Romantic ones like Wordsworth, Blake, Becquer and that I care about the form and structure of the poem as much as I care about the message.

We didn't see each for days and on the 31st, I picked up the courage to ask him if he's free to hang out. At that time, I have noticed that I was always the one who's taking the initiative to ask him out and to plan activities together and I was kind of thinking that maybe he is just being polite when he tells me he enjoys being with me. He never asked me out except for the trip that we planned together. So I was thinking maybe this time he will decline because NYE is kind of special and if he declines, that will be the last time I will be proactive. He was more than happy to see me but he asked to meet up after their family dinner, which is understandable. As for me, I panicked when I later on realized that establishments close very early. I asked him if he wanted to postpone to a later date instead because we didn't have anywhere to hang out in and he asked his friends around and one couple agreed to take us in. So he picked me up and together we spent NYE and first hours of 2020 together. It made me feel special but I do not want to assume anything since he never said he liked me. Everything just happened so fast and I just want to relax and see how it goes.

One More Time, One More Chance

これ以上何を失えば
心は許されるの
どれ程の痛みならば
もういちど君に会える
One more time
季節よ うつろわないで
One more time
ふざけあった 時間よ
くいちがう時はいつも
僕が先に折れたね
わがままな性格が
なおさら愛しくさせた
One more chance
記憶に足を取られて
One more chance
次の場所を選べない
いつでも捜しているよ
どっかに君の姿を
向いのホーム 路地裏の窓
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
願いがもしも叶うなら
今すぐ君のもとへ
できないことは もう何もない
すべてかけて抱きしめてみせるよ

寂しさ紛らすだけなら
誰でもいいはずなのに
星が落ちそうな夜だから
自分をいつわれない
One more time
季節よ うつろわないで
One more time
ふざけあった 時間よ
いつでも捜しているよ
どっかに君の姿を
交差点でも 夢の中でも
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
奇跡がもしも起こるなら
今すぐ君に見せたい
新しい朝 これからの僕
言えなかった「好き」という言葉も

夏の思い出がまわる
ふいに消えた鼓動
いつでも捜しているよ
どっかに君の姿を
明け方の街 桜木町で
こんなとこに来るはずもないのに
願いがもしも叶うなら
今すぐ君のもとへ
できないことは もう何もない
すべてかけて抱きしめてみせるよ
いつでも捜しているよ
どっかに君の破片を
旅先の店 新聞の隅
こんなとこにあるはずもないのに
奇跡がもしも起こるなら
今すぐ君に見せたい
新しい朝 これからの僕
言えなかった「好き」という言葉も
いつでも捜してしまう
どっかに君の笑顔を
急行待ちの 踏切あたり
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
命が繰り返すならば
何度も君のもとへ
欲しいものなど もう何もない
君のほかに大切なものなど

***********************************************************************

When two people who used to be close, who used to share many things, suddenly drift apart, it's a painful thing to see. This song is played at the end of the animé movie "5 cm per Second", a subtle story about regrets for not keeping in touch with the person you love, to the point that it haunts you to the end. In the movie, it is the boy who does not seem to have moved on even after years of non-communication with his childhood sweetheart.

SPOILER:

The ending shows the two, now grown up, meeting across the train railways only to be interrupted by a passing train which, after it has gone away, reveals that only the boy stayed to look on. It should be noted that the girl had already married another man, shown by a ring on her finger. 

So maybe sometimes no matter how much two people love each other, it ends in disaster when one person is always afraid, when one person is always pushing the other away, when one person is always betrayed, hurt, and unappreciated. Or maybe it has always been a one-sided love. Maybe sometimes we are just too unlucky to meet people with evil intentions who will never care for other people's feelings. Maybe this is a punishment to make one realize the pain of being taken for granted after doing such to others. Maybe this is karma coming full circle. Because at one point there was one person who put me first and who loved me unconditionally and who showed me how to properly love someone but I wasn't so protective about it until she was taken away from me. And when my time came to give the same love and care, I only ended up hurt and pushed away. Too many maybe's. The only certain thing is that the pain is real and it looks like it's here to stay for long. :(

Note and reminder to self: Always choose a person who is strong and courageous enough to handle himself, not some quack who does not even have a mind of his own. No matter what happens, let the past stay in the past. Never be with someone who will always choose others over you. Never be with someone whose comfort zone is made up of lies and deceit and manipulations.

Detroit Metal City (2008)

Detroit Metal City is the name of a death metal band that became famous in Japan, at least in the movie of the same name. It tells of the story of a shy and awkward but very talented musician named Soichi Negishi whose cheesy love songs are shunned by people when he performs in the streets. His big break came when he lands as the frontman of DMC as Krauser II. Onstage, he is a very different person, one who sings about raping one's mother and killing one''s father among many other profanities.

Negishi has wanted to quit many times but the band's manager has taken a strong hold on him. She knows what he is capable of and even comments that he is only oblivious to his genius. Meanwhile, Negishi sees an old friend again whom he likes. Yuri Aikawa looks up to Negishi for his "No Music No Dream" motto and even likes him for simply being a nice and gentle person. So just imagine her shock when she learns who Krauser II really is.

Krauser cheering up and encouraging his junior Saji who made it big in the pop industry

Krauser in one of his soliloquies 

Brokenhearted and feeling pretentious for being liked for what he is not, Negishi goes back to his family in the countryside and learns that even his younger brother has become a fan. The brother now sports long hair, talks rudely to their mother, and hasn't been helping around lately. So Negishi shows up as Krauser and lectures his younger brother and the latter sees the wisdom of studying hard and working in the farm. Negishi also has a heart-to-heart talk with his mother and discovers that his mother does not think Krauser is a bad person. On the contrary, she thinks he is great for keeping the dreams of many people alive. As to whether she knows the truth or not is not explicitly shown but then her giving Negishi a long life charm to give to Krauser in case they meet in Tokyo says a lot already.

Poor Krauser walking in the rain... (reminds me a lot of X-Japan's "Endles Rain")

Krauser plays guest in his family's home

 Negishi finally accepts his life mission and hurries back to Tokyo in a showdown with another death metal celebrity named Jack. The manager has always been a fan of him and sees the event as something that will boost the popularity and legitimacy of DMC. Amidst electrical short circuits and explosions in the middle of the showdown, the two fell down. Both still are able to stand up as the audience cheer them up. Aikawa is seen to also partake in shouting "Go to DMC!" Eventually, Jack gives his electric guitar to Krauser. Krauser takes the opportunity to sing his extra cheesy "Raspberry Kiss" much to the dismay of everyone, even his fans who think that it is the "love song from Hell". 

Krauser back to heavy rocking after being scorched by the manager's flying extra accurate cigarette.

***********************************

Key takeaways? Sometimes alter egos exist because what we're good at is different from the stereotype of our nature. Negishi acting as front singer of a death metal is very unthinkable because of his kind nature and his ambition to give hope for people's dreams through his lovey music. Then again, what the people accepted is his dark persona who utters profanities and who seems to encourage rape and murder and other dark stuff. He realized the importance of responsibly handling that influence when he encounters his brother who changed for the worse after becoming a fan and sought to make things right. I think having influence over others is a gift and also a big responsibility. You don't use it to further your interests, but to create a better world.

陈艺搏-不愿错过你

哪一盏灯火 是属于我

一个人的街头

没人再 一起呐喊一起喝彩

哪一种美满 会属于我

两个人的温暖 会不会

种出不一样的烟火

孤独曾经 是种骄傲

岁月转眼难熬

时光流转 终于落单

兜兜转转才知道

平淡的陪伴最重要

我不愿错过你

我要我们在一起

煽情的话语 酒杯的情绪

熬过午夜还是失意

我不愿错过你

我要我们在一起

穿越千万里 只为遇见你

和你携手不离不弃

陪你慢慢老去

我不愿错过你

我要我们在一起

煽情的话语 酒杯的情绪

熬过午夜还是失意

绝不能错过你

我要我们在一起

穿越千万里 注定是你

和你携手不离不弃

陪你慢慢老去

摘自: http://www.d777.com/geci/buyuancuoguoni_42fq/

喻佳麗-我也難過

一眨眼你哭了 (In the blink of an eye you are crying) 有話想對我說 (wanting to tell me something) 你害怕就忘了 (You are afraid and you forget) 好像從沒見過我 (as if you have never met me) 你愛我我走了 (You love me but I left) 我也不想這樣做 (I also didn't want to do something like that) 可是真的想對你說 (But I really want to tell you) 明天開始就重新來過 (Starting tomorrow we'll start anew) 你讓我幸福過快樂過 (You gave me good fortune and happiness) 這些我都還記得 (I remember all of these) 別懷疑我 (Don't doubt me) 離開你我也痛哭傻了 (When I left you I also hurt to the point of going crazy) 忘記吧那些經過 (Just forget everything because the past) 都別再留 (will never remain) 我愛你可是你也說過 (I love you but you also said) 愛情並不是停留 (That love will never reach its stopover) 不往前走 (and will never move forward) 可是分岔的路口 (But when we reach the two-forked road) 你向左我往哪裡走 (Which path do you want me to take?) 告訴我 (Tell me)


Translated by The Sweet Melo Touch
Lyrics copied from the Youtube video.

************************************************

In less than a month I am going home and must remember to be strong no matter what. As I have learned, love is not just a feeling, but the willingness to exert effort and to work things out so that the relationship deepens and lovers grow. This song, with its simple words, capture exactly how I feel about A. I should have stopped seeing him a long time ago when he made it clear he doesn't want to commit. I was just too stupid and maybe too afraid of starting a new life without him. But six months far away from home made me realize I am very different from other women. While women in the West proudly proudly proclaim themselves to be strong and independent, I roll my eyes because they can't even travel alone nor can they achieve anything without relying on men (and using men in the process). Moreover, despite the many things that happened to me, despite the many encounters with narcissistic people and friendly users, I never lost my true self, I never gave up on humanity and retained that warmth and openness. I will always remember what a dear friend told me, that I should believe that I will encounter good people because I am also a good person. I am just too different and I now realize that I am far stronger than most people.

I let you go now and this is the last time I will cry for you.

Dueles

Lately been listening to Latin American songs and top of my list is Jesse and Joy as always. This song, "Dueles" I can relate to a lot especially lately when I have been having dreams of my dearest yaya and my ex, both whom I loved (and still love) but they left anyway. My yaya passed away two years ago. The ex just decided he doesn't want me in his life and doesn't see any good in me anymore. The same with me after all the lies and half-truths, the disrespect, and the eventual loss of affection. But lately I cry more because in moments of loneliness I miss my yaya, I miss her goodness, her silent strength, and most of all, her love for me.

Cuando estabas junto a mi 

Nuestra luz era celestial 
Que más podía pedir 
Encontré la felicidad

Sin aviso 
Nuestro paraíso nos dejo 
Y ahora tu recuerdo 
Me hace sombra al corazón

Hoy se cumple un mes 
Que ya no me ves, te fuiste nada más 
Quisiste renunciar a quererme 
Y como dueles 
Mientras pienso en ti y en lo que perdí 
Quisiera evitar, a verme permitido amarte 
Para perderte y me dueles, como dueles

Los golpes en la piel 
Dejan marca y después se van 
Se van, se van, se van 
Pero me rompiste en dos 
Y no encuentro reparación

Sin aviso 
Nuestro paraíso nos dejo 
Y ahora tu recuerdo 
Me hace sombra al corazón

Hoy se cumple un mes 
Que ya no me ves, te fuiste nada más 
Quisiste renunciar 
A quererme y como dueles

Mientras pienso en ti y en lo que perdí 
Quisiera evitar, haberme permitido amarte 
Para perderte y me dueles, como dueles

Ve a ser libre y a ser feliz 
Ya da lo mismo aquí 
Mi gozo alguien que conocí 
Si aun extraño y el olor del jenosi

Hoy se cumple un mes 
Que ya no me ves, te fuiste nada más 
Quisiste renunciar a quererme 
Y me dueles

Mientras pienso en ti y en lo que perdí 
Quisiera evitar, a verme permitido amarte 
Y no sabes cuanto dueles, dueles, dueles 
Me dueles, como dueles

********************************************************

This week while at an ice cream parlor by the beach, I heard this song playing and something again hurt inside. No matter what I do, I wonder why I can't move on? >.<

And now your memories makes my heart sad...

Rainbow or Stars... Or Neither?

Tonight maybe we'll see stars in the rain...

It rained last night. And the tears fell. When hectic days are about to end following more than a month of cleaning and packing and unpacking and reorganizing, loneliness creeps in. I realize that I never stopped thinking of him. I got used to him calling me almost every night and I have formed the habit of checking my phone every now and then, but since late last month, I have been ding my best to get busy. I consider myself lucky because friends were there for me. Friends whom I thought wouldn't care, would chat me every now and then to check up on me. I think they're doing it to get me distracted, to help me get over this painful heartbreak. It took a whole lot of me to push through with it, because everytime we are together, my heart overflows with love and affection but I always end up getting pushed away. He pushed me away far too many times, and each time he did, I was also distancing myself twice as more until I finally understood and just accepted that he doesn't want me in his life. It sucks, to have thought that maybe he was different but he's just like any other player out there. The games and all, me asking why he hates me so much, why he came to me int my life only to ruin my peace? Why all the mind games, why all the cycles of push and pull, all the drama that he created and doesn't want to be responsible for.

We're going in circles again...

Last night while doing some research for two major reports, I happened to fall asleep, my phone back to silent mode since I no longer expect anyone to call me. I don't want to keep expecting him to call me, I don't want to see myself disappointed again. I woke up in a groggy state but with just enough energy to shut down my machine and go to sleep properly. And then I checked my phone.

Rainbow or stars? How could I ever be afraid?

I had one missed call last night. The log registered his name. And the tears came. 

A flood of memories came crashing all over me. The first time he held my hand, the first time he laid my head on his shoulders in the bus, the first time we traveled together, the first time he kissed me, so suddenly that I was surprised and he thought I evaded it... The first time he introduced me to his brothers and friends, the first (and last) time we jogged and biked together, the first time I stepped in his second homeland, the first time he cooked for me, the first time we cooked together... Painfully sweet memories. 

And equally painfully bitter memories of the first time he shrugged my hand off,  the first time he betrayed me followed by many more betrayals, the first time he walked away from me, the first time I discovered I wasn't special to him at all because he would also cook for other women, the first time I realized he was an expert in manipulating people but I was too blinded by love, the first time I realized he was draining the life out of me... And trust, one of the big foundations, eroded. And acceptance, another important foundation, became an issue. To what extend can you accept a person's flaws? Because some flaws are pardonable in love, and certainly some are not. 

Beyond the bright lights, when it's all over, I see.

I fought the urge to ring his phone, like what I used to do whenever I missed his calls. He would reprimand me to always have my phone by my side because what if there is an emergency call I need to take? But my sleepiness got the better of me. I remember the many times I asked for favors only to fall on deaf ears. Empty words of wanting to be with me, but I realized, it was only because I was fun to be with. (My male friends used to tell me they liked being with me, but ours were more like brothers and sister.) I felt offended whenever he would tell me he doesn't want any drama, that he wants us to be happy always. Yet he was also the one who destroyed that "happiness". I gave up trying to comprehend his definition of happiness, because for me it apparently means only his happiness, mine is out of the equation. I couldn't be myself, I was losing myself, slowly in a  way that is heart-breaking. If I had to mask my real self, then he clearly does not want me, but the version of me that he idealized in his mind.

Tonight maybe I'll see the stars in the rain.

Rain fell again this afternoon. Hours later, I discovered this song while looking around for songs in Youtube. Tears fell again. Everything is sinking in. This is the difficult part, when you have to fight with every ounce of strength you have, fight off these feelings, fight off the reasons that made you love him so much because even though there were so many of them, they're all just part of the past. The present is more important.

And looking back we never exchanged vows. I did, but he never did. I vowed never to hurt him, vowed to always wait for him. I have not yet sworn to the moon so I can certainly take back my vows with the realization that love is never enough. In the end, I had to accept that what we had was only an imaginary relationship. I thought it was real, it wasn't for him. It took me more than a year to understand that simple yet important principle. 

So I am walking away on my own. No need for him to push me away.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It still is a miracle to find myself at the top of my game at work and in school even under these circumstances. I have slowed down a bit, but I can definitely and proudly say that UP has instilled in me a strong sense of honor and excellence, strong foundations that will not easily be broken. But then, I feel that I have lost my spirit. 

Asia Cosplay Meet 2015

Rushing to Sto. Domingo Church yesterday to meet up with a fellow volunteer-turned close friend after a quick lunch with new friends, I found myself asking why on earth I let myself be invited to attend the Cosplay Meet in Intramuros. Oh well, that in itself is justification enough. It's highly unusual to have such an event take place within the historic walled city and it's enough to pique my curiosity.

But then it's raining. Somewhere in the north and in parts of Southern Luzon, typhoon Lando must be unleashing terror, bringing rains to Metro Manila in the process. And on a weekend. Could have been a perfect time to stay at home and read since JM just lent me a copy of the coffee table book Pasig: River of Life and also a dear professor lent me a book authored by Noam Chomsky, that intellectual giant who's famous for his anti-US policies.

"Hakune Miku" applying makeup on "Light Yagami"

But oh well, I already said yes to R. And I also would like to see the potential of Intramuros to hold such an event. We all know the place to be historic and maybe, just maybe, the event will be an added boost to make it more attractive to the younger generation. And it's been a loooong time since my last cosplay event and that last time, I exited in less than an hour after entering.

It was raining when we got there. R and I were targeting to leave at around 6PM but the event dragged on until 10PM. I should have known. I badly wanted to go home to read books and I'm worried about getting the coffee table book in bad condition in case it gets wet.

Magic Knight Rayearth cosplayers

And there wasn't much food choices around. People get free yakisoba and Mr. Chips and that's it. We had to go to nearby Cioccolata Churros Café at Bayleaf Hotel for some coffee. Not that I am a coffee drinker but I needed the extra energy boost to last me until 10PM. While there we discussed about the usual stuffs--- volunteer projects, government projects, financial problems (yes, this is a recurring issue LOL), and also academic work. I often tell him how frustrated I am that I can't seem to get a decent scholarship that will take care of my expenses so I can focus on my acads and social work/ volunteer work.

I thought they were going to win...

cuties at the event: Fuu was nowhere to be found though :(

Around 7PM we went back to Baluarte de Dilao. There were band performances and they were really good. I did a recording of some of them. I especially love Zenshin Aru Nomi. Yes they cuss and curse while onstage but in a funny way because there's a problem with the sound system. Nevertheless, they were a joy to watch as they rocked the night with songs from Beck.

I couldn't resist, pardon my love for cannons!

Natsuyasumi rocked the night with a favorite song from Hunter X Hunter: Ohayou. Now something that someone from my generation can relate to. LOL Deep inside I was wishing so hard for some band to play Do You Feel Like I Feel, also from HXH.

Observations:

1. The organizers were not able to fully take advantage of Baluarte de Dilao. It was a very good place for open concerts and they should have jumped on that to hold singing contests and/or battle of the bands.

2. Weather forecasts have been very accurate in saying that it will rain almost the whole day. Tents were set up not for the attendees but for the sound system and various booths. Not all attendees are okay with getting wet... and sick later on. And the chairs were all wet so we were all reluctant to sit on them. [In short, organizers failed to consider what attendees need to have an enjoyable time.]

3. Only junk food is served inside. Free Mr. Chips, yet no free drinks. [Maybe I''m a little bit too demanding but normally free drinks are in tandem with free food, right?]

4. The event didn't seem to be marketed enough as I only heard about it a few days ago. There were very few people, and methinks the event is a flop because of the meager attendance. I should be happy with that because it made moving around so much easier but then there were also very few cosplayers. Take note, as Asia Cosplay Meet 2015, this is supposedly a big event.

5. Setting the time fro 2PM to 10PM is not a good idea. We arrived at 3PM and stayed until the end but there was not much going on because of the rain. Methinks four hours would have been sufficient. And I could have gone off around Intramuros and visit my favorite places there.

6. The sound system sucked. It's sad to see such talented bands and singers having had to endure performing with such bad sound system. This got fixed only in the end.

awarding

7. One cosplayer stormed out in rage, claiming that the whole cosplay thing is a big joke. I don't know if there is truth to what he says about the winner being close with the organizers but then again, such attitude should not be tolerated in a public event as it definitely puts people in an awkward situation and ruins the night. [It's my first time to witness something like that and I was shocked beyond words.]

8. Questioning the criteria and asking for an explanation on the judging process, which one cosplayer did, is I think the more sensible move. (In relation to #7.)

Facebook Event Page

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After that, we headed to our favorite bulalohan in Welcome. He paid for my bulalo because he lost in a challenge with me. Yay for free food! :)