The Art of Literature

Today as I try to put some order in the bedroom, I chanced upon this small piece of paper. Looking back, as a college student, I would borrow books from the library, books which were not required reading but which interested me. My happiest days in college were spent savoring Chinese classic novels and feasting on the literary gems in the form of poetry from different countries. I loved Japanese poetry best, for the subtlety and elegance, the delicate mix of melancholy and celebration of sorrows.

This piece of paper is a transaction receipt from the College of Arts Library, indicating my borrowed items: "Cosmology in Antiquity" and Arthur Schopenhauer's "The Art of Literature". It is from the latter that I derived the quotes in the pic.

On style, Schopenhauer writes that there are two kinds of tediousness:
1. Objective- author has no perfect knowledge he wantd to communicate.
2. Subjective- reader is disinterested in the topic of the author.

Other important thoughts that I found valuable enough to note down are:

"Authors should use common words to say uncommon things."

"Words make truth intelligible."

"Le secret pour être ennuyeux, c'est de tout dire. (...) To use many words to communicate few thoughts is everywhere the unmistakable signs of mediocrity. To gather much thought into few words stamps the man of genius."

"The business of the novelist is not to relate great events, but to make small ones interesting."

On life, which I had been enlightened to at an early age while lapping up the Book of Ecclesiastes:

"Human life is short and fleeting."

On good books:

"A good book should be read at least twice."

On above, I have read not a few good books but due to lack of time, I seldom read a book twice. The Bible I have read numerous times simply because it was the only book I could get hands onto at home when I was young. Now with so many books in my collection, I very rarely reopen a loved book unless required or compelled to do so.

Reminders

It's been a looooong time since I wrote something here in my blog. Just that for the last couple of months I had been too busy with a lot of things. Not that I am complaining; we all know getting busy is the best cure to a single heart. But because I was suddenly flooded with chores and there were just too many events I could not say no to (thus most times I would just end up in bed as soon as I arrive home), I have unfortunately neglected writing altogether. In fact even my non-digital diary is suffering from blank pages so I guess I'll have to find a way to spend time alone to rethink the recent past and to put them on paper.

Just why the obsession to accumulate records, you might ask. This is actually a project I have taken, a personal project supposedly, but which I don't mind sharing with strangers on the net. The reason being there is a huge chance that I'll end up a single woman and I hope that if that happens I can look back and see what I've done here on earth. It's just to somehow cushion the harsh blows of reality and see in my old age that at the very least, I tried to live a fruitful life despite the immanent chaos and the lack of meaning. It's a record of struggles and happy times, of different experiences which helped make life bearable, which somehow pushes me to live again tomorrow, and the day after....

In short, this blog is a reminder of things done and of things yet to be done.

For instance, some of the things I should have written about are:
1. My first ever time to join a group of strangers in a trek to a waterfalls in Laguna. At first, I was scared alright but before the day ended, I felt as if I have known some of them for a long time already.

2. My trip to HK where I got to hang out with my cousins whom I haven't seen for soooo long. I think it's been almost 20 years! And I got to know our other relatives there. Big plus includes getting to hike twice in that place known for shopping and Disneyland. And how can I forget the four museums that I visited??? Never mind the fact that my itinerary was ruined because of visits to relatives but oh well, we never see each other that often. I just wished I was able to prepare something really uniquely Filipino like for example cloth from Ilocos and the like as gifts for them.

View of Hong Kong from the Museum of Art in Tsim Sha Tsui
Tsui

3. Chino's violin recital last month where I was left utterly impressed. There just is something in him now that is sooo attractive. Well it helps that he decided to do away with the moustache hehe. I also discovered that he's soft-spoken. (I wonder if he'll be annoyed at me if he were to know me better since I'm too boyish and too well, too unladylike, in a word.)

4. The books I have finished reading but which I did not have time to write reviews. Oh well, it's not as if I was able to read many books these days given my ultra hectic schedule.

5. The conference I attended last month where I presented my paper. On second thought I might not write about it since there really wasn't much to say except that I was extra happy to have received free books for being a presentor. The books are in Filipino and are composed of essays on Philippine literature. Welcome addition to my already gigantic book collection. (reminder to suggest to the parents that I NEED big bookshelves in our room. I hope the sisters do not mind.)

6. The advanced Christmas wishlist. Doesn't matter if year after year I do not get the things I truly wish for but what the heck, making one is fun JUST BECAUSE. (never mind that nobody reads it or takes note of it. LOL!)

So there. Backlogs again so I'm not writing about my recent food trips except of course Ganeeza in Fisher Mall since I think I knew what 'love at first sight'... I mean, BITE. I now know where I can find some comfort when depression kicks in. And oh yeah, I prefer to shop there than say SM. SM is just too damn crowded I'm always eager to get out the moment I enter.

So anyway, this post just ended up with a few reminders (or things my readers can expect in the days to come).

Note: I can't believe I just blogged using my tablet. Maybe I ought to do this more often so I can blog anytime anywhere.

Linkin Park Living Things @ SM MOA Arena 08132013

Still am speechless even days after Linkin Park rocked their Filipino fans' night, which of course included mine. That night, the 13th of August is one memorable night, being my first time to watch a rock concert. I never thought that I would be able to survive the screams of thousands of fans in a closed area but I did, and thoroughly enjoyed it I did. It was one awesome night full of energy, thanks to Mike Shinoda's rapid-fire raps (I still find it extremely difficult to rap along when I listen to him), Chester Bennington's untiring screams (I wonder how he does it without having sore throat considering that they perform every other day in their Asian tour...), Rob Bourdon's wickedly powerful drums which blended well with the equally wicked sounds created by Dave "Phoenix" Farrell on bass and Brad Delson on guitar.

They made us wait, they sure did. Ticket said 8pm. Urbandub played their songs at 8:30. I was dying from excitement. My tummy had butterflies and whatnots each minute that passes without LP. And then I slumped on my seat feeling betrayed. At 9:30, Joe Hahn appeared and the crowd roared. A few seconds before that, the arena became dim and fans were already whistling and shouting. When Rob started drumming something like sounded like a battle hymn I was brought back to life. The night was young after all and the party just got started. I forgot about worrying about how late I would get home and suffer the reprimand of my parents.

Faster and faster the drum was beat and with each beat is another level of excitement waiting to engulf me. I was afraid I would faint and pass out from too much excitement, wondering what the first song would be, wondering if "In the End", "My December", and my other faves would be performed onstage. And suddenly Mike Shinoda was rapping and the party has indeed begun. It happened so soon that I forgot how to react and just screamed with the crowd, my voice drowned in the multitude's multiple shouts.

Perhaps it's just that I want to be in the energy... How fitting that they started with "A Place for My Head".

And I lost my voice in the middle of "Papercut", one of the first songs by LP that I knew many years back. I felt like my younger self who would sing this song whenever I felt vulnerable. When they played that song, images of their video which initially creeped me out but which shortly after I loved flashed in my mind. You have to understand that it was my first time to see bizarre and disturbing images in a music video, something that made Aerosmith's "Jaded" pale in comparison. Chester still had glasses on. I remember having a crush on him because he looks like a nerd rockstar what with red hair, red pants and those glasses. Chester made me love the nerdy look. And now a more mature Chester stood before us, with tattoos on his arm and now without the glasses. As "Papercut" drew to an end, I realized missed Chester's old look.

When they played "Somewhere I Belong" I lost all inhibitions and sang along at the top of my voice. I regularly sing along to this song while working in the office and it felt so surreal to be singing along with Chester and Mike as the rest of the band played. That song is special to me. I realized just recently that when I am utterly disappointed with someone, I tend to sing "Somewhere I Belong".

By the time they played "Points of Authority" I was already bereft of shyness, never minding if my lyrics were a bit wrong (LOL). All I cared about is that DAMMIT MY FAVORITE BAND IS PLAYING, THIS IS MY FIRST ROCK CONCERT, AND I OUGHTA HAVE FUN!!! I was already wondering if next year they will have another concert here (though hopefully they do it at SMART Araneta Coliseum since SM Arena sucks big time).

I was mesmerized when they played  "Castle of Glass". The background was wonderfully done with shards of glass scattering about. (And yeah, I study glass artifacts in archaeology...) And then there was "Leave out All the Rest", another song I instantly liked from their new album "Living Things". It reminds me of the band Simple Plan for some reason. They mixed it with "Shadow of the Day" and ultimately with the theme from Transformers movie "Iridescent".

Castle of Glass

Other fave songs of mine they played were "Lost in the Echo", "Numb" (imagine the crowd going wildly crazy with this old favorite!!!), "Burn It Down", "In the End" (the crowd sang along with much gusto!!!). The concert ended with "Bleed it Out". Or so we thought. The audience clamored for an encore. We're not letting LP off the hook yet. WE SIMPLY WANT MORE. My heart was screaming, SHIT I DON'T WANT THIS NIGHT TO END!!! My words "ENCORE MILLE FOIS!!!" got lost in the echo of the crowd's "MORE!"

And so LP obliged with "Faint", "Lying from You", and "One Step Closer". All throughout, Mike and Chester greatly complemented each other. And they called it a night but even in the bus, even when I was already in bed, my mind was replaying everything. The following day and the day after that, up until now, I still can't get over the whole thing. And it's the best case of hangover yet.

The following day, my status on Facebook read:

I can't feel the way I did before

Don't turn your back on me

I won't be ignored

Time won't heal this damage anymore

Don't turn your back on me

I won't be ignored

From Multiply 028: Mon inspiration

 Je ne l’ai pas vue depuis longtemps. Elle me manque. Elle, l’inspiration vitale de ma vie.

    Vous me demandez de la présenter. Dois-je le faire sans lui rendre injustice ? Les mots ne suffissent pas mais j’essaye quand même.

    On ne sait pas quand elle est née. Elle est toujours là– sans se faire remarquée parfois. Elle est une déesse qui s’habille en robes d’argent ou d’or mais de temps en temps on ne peut pas la voir quand elle décide de se couvrir en noir comme le ciel obscur de la nuit. Tantôt elle est jeune, tantôt elle semble un peu plus mûre et après quelques nuits, elle disparaît. Mais il ne faut pas penser qu’on l’a perdue parce qu’elle est fidèle et elle vient à l’heure. Mais ce que j’aime en elle, c’est sa beauté.  Elle est vraiment un beau spectacle si bien que les artistes la peignent, les bards chantent d’elle, les poètes écrivent sur elle, et les romantiques rêvent d’elle sans cesse. Et moi, une personne normale qui n’ai ni talent ni richesse ni rien, l’adore et l’aime sans aucune condition. Elle est si belle que je rends les armes face à ses charmes et à mon avis, personne ne peut la résister sauf les indifférents.

    Mystérieuse puis qu’elle ne parle pas, elle m’a intéressé une nuit silencieuse où il n’y avait rien à faire. Elle est toujours entourée de  belles personnes mais elle se démarque des autres sans effort. Parfois timide, elle se cache totalement. Mais peu à peu, elle se laisse voir, une partie d’elle après l’autre jusqu'à  ce qu’elle se sente à l’aise. Et puis, ayant l’air d’une reine, sa majesté  s’assoit sur le trône noir sculpté des diamants. Et quand elle est déjà fatiguée, elle se couche sans bruit.

    Peut-être, vous êtes déjà confus. Je me réfère à quoi, exactement? C’est la lune, bien sûr ! La lune, la lumière de  ma vie, le feu de mon cœur, mon péché, mon âme. (Si ça vous dit quelque chose, peut-être vous avez lu le roman « Lolita » par Vladimir Nabokov mais il est évident que j’ai fait quelques changements pour que la phrase précédente convienne à ma description de l’objet célestiel.)

    Essayez de passer quelque temps sous la lune. Elle va gagner un autre fan.

(Cette rédaction est écrite pour Français 60.)


May 12, '09 7:02 AM
for Miracle's friends, Miracle's family and Miracle's online buddies

Because I Had Wonderful Teachers...

September 28 is Confucius Day, also the day we thank teachers for shaping us. This is a late post, I know, close to a month late but then again, it's always better late than never, right?

Looking back, I wasn't the perfect student. Prior to elementary school, I was an overly hyper kid who loves running around the school. Then as now, I am forgetful. One time I forgot to show my parents an exam (in which I got a high score) and came to class with no parent's signature on my paper. My teacher, Mrs. Chua, hit my hand with a stick. I thought it would hurt but it didn't. So I blurted out, "Doesn't hurt at all!" Now don't get me wrong, I love this teacher. She's very dear to me, mainly because I can feel that she really loves us, her students. I feel honored whenever she would ask me to run errands for her. When I learned that she passed away years later, I was deeply saddened.

In elementary school, I don't know if my teachers love me or hate me. To them, I am still that hyper kid. But then again, they are amazed because I did well in class. When I transferred to another school, I met one of the kindest Science teacher I ever had. I was in 4th grade then and she was the reason why I was exposed to school competitions early on. She saw in me what other teachers didn't--- my thirst for knowledge. I think part of the reason for that is because I was always seen with a pocketbook in hand. My recess time was spent in the library returning and borrowing books.

Also in elementary school, a Math teacher believed in me and  encouraged me to attend MTAP sessions. I was surprised because I didn't get high grades in class because I always copied the wrong givens from the board. But even though she marked my answers wrong and didn't give consideration for correct way of solving, perhaps she knew that I was capable of higher level math at an early age.

High school perhaps is one of my most colorful phase. I met my favorite History teacher during my first year. She was ever so charming and very intelligent that at that time in my life, I found myself crushing on a woman. She got me interested in history, heck she was the reason why I started to read newspapers everyday and continued the habit to this day. I could still remember being the only one in class to get a bonus point in relation to current events because of an article I read in PDI a few days before the exam. I also cannot forget how she reminded us to always be respectful and to always be responsible for our actions. After one year of being her student, she left the school. A year after, I wrote to her, yes it was wise to ask for her address, just to thank her for everything and to say how I miss her. I did not expect her to reply but she did. It was a very special moment for me, when I tore open the envelope and read her letter.

It was also during my freshman year in highschool that Math became my favorite subject. My teacher was funny and outgoing and I like that in her. The following year, she became our class adviser and it was at that time when I discovered my love for logic. Proving and geometry, which many students in our school dread, were my favorite subjects. These subjects make me feel smart. It wouldn't have been possible if my teacher were boring.

My Chinese teacher at this time was a soft-spoken woman who hardly gets angry. I slept in class, chatted during lectures, came in late a lot, and did several things a student shouldn't do while in class, but she was ever patient with me. It was only a year after that I realized how unfair I was to her so I made up to her by chatting with her, visiting her in the faculty room, and telling her how I became interested in 紅樓夢, which probably delighted her because not many Chinese-Filipino would want to read a Chinese classic. She once picked my Chinese essay and read it in front of the class. It was a review I made for a Chinese movie about the Sulu chieftain's visit to Mainland China. She said she liked my insights, especially my focus on two foreign cultures' diplomacy. At that time, I was super embarrassed when she read every word I wrote in front of the class. But now I feel a sense of pride at having written an essay in Chinese even though I am not from China.

On my third year, I was inspired by my Chemistry teacher, who graduated from UP and had radical ideas. At that time, I vehemently opposed his ideas as I was pretty conservative then. Years later, I would discover where he was coming from and understood the validity of his views. He probably is the one who first sowed the seeds of defiance in me, but in a good way. In that same year, I fell in love with Math all over again when we were taught algebra. It helped a lot, too, that our Math teacher is a young bubbly woman who herself is also a graduate of UPD. Years later we would hear that she and our Chemistry teacher got married to each other. Wow!

That same school year, I was lucky to have a really really bright English teacher who truly loves to read and not just teach about grammar. My Chinese teacher during this time was also very dear to me. Like my first year Chinese teacher, she was soft-spoken and patient. The one thing I like more about her is that she can be funny at times. Like my precious Chinese teacher, she liked my writing style. She said that I write from the heart, that she liked the honesty of my essays because they truly show how human I am--- prone to anger, jealousy, and excessive desires.

My last year in high school opened my eyes to politics in the academe. Because of my acts of defiance, I was often called to the administrative office to be reprimanded. At that time, I would have been broken to pieces were it not for my teachers in Math and Computer who talked to me a lot and who, while siding with me, did not tolerate my disrespectful attitude. In a way, I am grateful to them for also helping shape my character. Not only that, they were the ones who truly got me to appreciate mathematical abstractions and logic. Looking back, I am touched at how lucky I was to have been their student. My Math teacher was proud of me especially when I was the only one in the whole batch to get the answers right because some problems were not discussed and one really has to use one's head to arrive at a solution. My computer teacher encouraged me to pursue computer studies because according to him, it would be such a waste to have a logical mind and not apply it. At that time, he learned of my course choice in Ateneo: English Literature. Still he told me that whatever happens, I must follow my heart, which is a cliché but then when it comes to someone whom you respect, it becomes all the more a valuable advice.

It's because of these people that I was ready to enter UP for my college education. In UP, I met the brightest teachers, most of them terror ones, but there are also those whose kindness never fail to touch me. I am also lucky to have encountered only one Monster Teacher. Still, I would tell myself, if I hadn't encountered her, I wouldn't be this strong now.

A Message 4

"To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage."

I have been meditating on these words ever since I received this quote from Mr. Ube as I attempt to give a value to these two propositions. All this while marveling at how timely this quote came as I constantly found myself praying for courage and strength.

Yesterday's Messages

Just sharing two messages which I picked yesterday in church.

I guess this must be due to my constant prayer for strength and courage. 

And this is to assure me that my prayers will not go unanswered.

Science, Math, and Chaos

Taking up an STS (Science, Technology, and Society) course in college has a profound effect on my life. Not only was I able to learn many new things about science, I learned to appreciate the role of science in our  everyday life. STS let me see that science indeed plays a vital role in addressing the problems the world faces today. In highschool, I used to think of science as the reason why everything got extra complicated in this world. The advent of new technologies contributed to increasing social fragmentation, not to mention destruction of the environment. But the very reason why I shunned science was because I really didn't believe anything I learned in high school- I always thought something was amiss, like all those theories do not really mirror phenomena in reality. So in college, while I considered to take up Mathematics, I decided to pursue foreign languages instead, with my love for literature and etymologies prevailed over mathematical abstractions. (Or perhaps blame it to the fact that I wasn't much informed about possible careers after studying Mathematics in college... It came too late.)

In STS class, which I took three years ago, the students are lucky to listen to lectures by different professionals, from engineers and scientists to historians, forensic experts, and archaeologists. The topics are diverse but the main point is that one cannot escape science as it pervades every aspect of our reality. In particular, I was very much inspired by the lecture given by Amador Muriel. He talked about turbulence and quantum theory, though mostly he just talked about himself which made me view him as an egocentric, self-centered old man who keeps on enumerating his achievements and how he survived in the West although he came from a poor family in a Third World Country. Despite my aversion to all those self-praise talk, I must say that I honestly admire this man for his struggles, how he made it big despite his poor origins. Another is that in enumerating his numerous mentors, one can say that he takes pride in his academic pedigree and as such gives credit to and rightly acknowledges the people who have contributed to who he is now.

Back in college, my friends know me as a spendthrift who only buys books from Booksale and who seldom gets the required readings. But when he announced that his book is now available, I didn't think twice. I just had to have the book. The book isn't that expensive, which is a good thing, and students could get autographs right then and there. I bought his book "Folding Water: The Search for a Quantum Theory of Turbulence" which was co-authored by Ninotchka Rosca. I almost never had the book autographed because of students suddenly flocked to him like moths to a flame. I braved the crowd. He asked me what I am studying and I answered, "European Languages." He wrote a short note on the first page of the book:

"Melo:

              Look up to the

       allusions to

       Europe.

                   A. Muriel"

It was the first time I got a book signed by the author. It instantly became one of my prized books. And when I read it from cover to cover, I was more than sure that never shall this book go out of my collection. It's more detailed compared to the lecture and I wasn't at all surprised that this book is also a memoir in addition to its being a book on quantum mechanics meant for the layperson.

Not long after, I got interested in chaos theory. Reading short articles online increased my appetite for chaos. At that time, I described my life as chaotic. I was a lost kid in a jungle of civilization. Suddenly everything I know crumbles, it feels like being a witness to widescale destruction a la Inception (yes, that movie by Christopher Nolan where scenes of crumbling edifices are many) and I didn't know where to start from.

One day as if by chance, I found a book at Booksale which costs just P75. The title of the book is "Chaos: Making a New Science", authored by James Gleick. I knew I had to buy it. As soon as I got home, I read the book and was enlightened as to why I became averse to science in high school. In high school, we were taught that this happens assuming this is the case. In short, it was highly idealistic. But chaos, as Gleick writes, "poses problems that defy accepted ways of working in science." Moreover, high school science lacked the interdependence of disciplines and thus provided an unrealistic view of phenomena. Physics for example was isolated from biology and chemistry. Each subject was compartmentalized. Chaos on the other hand, brings together different disciplines in an attempt to investigate global nature of systems. When a child, who yearns to make sense of the world around her and who sees the intricate web of relations of things, is made to study a subject without reference to other disciplines, she quickly loses interest. I do not know if this holds true to others but it does to me.

Gleick's book is meant for the layperson. It traces the beginnings of the study of chaotic systems and chaos itself. It narrates the development of such subject as other disciplines like mathematics, physics, chemistry, and biology advanced, or the other way around. Gleick also briefly sketched the important contributors to chaotology (study of chaos), from Lorenz to Mandelbrot, to Feigenbaum and Libchaber, to the scholars of Santa Cruz. I also appreciated how the book attempts to enumerate the many applications and relations of chaotology in other dsiciplines including economics, philosophy, art, and literature.

Reading the book made me wonder what if I took up Mathematics instead of foreign languages. Then maybe I would be very good at working with computers. Then maybe I would be dabbling in chaos. Then maybe I would be able to offer an explanation as to why my life is chaotic.

A Message 3

"You'll never be brave if you don't get hurt. You'll never learn if you don't have mistakes. And you'll never be successful if you don't encounter failures. Negative results do not mean that God is hard on you. We always start from the ground in order for us to appreciate our way to the top."

Bleak

I was supposed to graduate this semester, but my INCs hindered me from getting that much-needed diploma in just one and a half year.

Along the way, I realized that I love many things, and archaeology is just one of them. Surfing the net on depressing nights with the purpose of gaining a muse, I stumbled into digital art. On days when I itch to watch anime, having felt deprived due to heavy academic workload, I accidentally put in  さらい屋五葉 and was simply astounded with the play of light and shadows. Then there was "Kung Fu Panda 2" which touched me greatly, aside from making me laugh out really loud. I realized I want to be an animator. Well, it's not the first time that I wanted to be one. Even before, I considered that career choice.

Flashback to when I was a third year undergraduate student. I met a really cool prof who love anime. That was a first for me, so I was so happy. Once I was busy leafing through Spanish books on history in the library, she saw me and said she liked nerds/ geeks. And I instantly love her for that. I remember her treating me to a glass of iced tea at a cafe just beside Vargas Museum. She offered to treat me to lunch but I graciously declined the offer. At that time, we just talked, just the two of us, mainly about anime, orgs, yaoi, techie stuff, etc. At that time, I became aware of the fact that although I am good at logic (and got very high grades in programming in high school) I don't know anything at all about the latest software. Heck I am currently struggling with photoshop and trying to finish digitizing the permatraces with the hope that I don't incur another INC--- which might cause a major heartbreak since I was able to submit my paper last week.

Just now, I remember her. She was ever so kind to all of her students. She assured me that I'd do fine in class, when I was really on the verge of frustration due to my inability to contribute anything for the class play. We worked together for the video to be used as background for the play. It was supposed to be my task but knowing my being a noble savage ignorant of video editing and such, she helped me a lot. Before the semester ended I was able to learn how to edit videos though, thanks to a classmate who showed me how simple it actually is. The skill I learned proved to be useful when, working for a bags and clothing company as a marketing consultant, videos needed to be edited and there was a shortage of staff and I took the opportunity to practice video-editing.

Right now I am learning photoshop. Yes, the youth of today learn on their own. But I'm different. I need to learn the basics first from someone. Once I get the basics, I can advance on my own. There are few moments in my life where I learn a skill on my own. I am more inclined to the abstract, to ideas and concepts, than I am to practical know-how.

A few months back, our director and I had a talk. He wanted to know if I would pursue a master's degree. I said I can't at present, but that I'd consider after getting my diploma. I told him that I'm having financial problems, which is for the most part, the crippling factor. Second, I wanted to do the things I've always wanted: writing, drawing, composing. These are my main avenues for expression. I chase after beauty, I chase after images and texts that evoke powerful emotions. I've seen so much, read so much. For a change, I want to be seen, to be read.

I also miss Math a lot. If ever, I have a particular topic I'd like to research on which I won't disclose here. I want to delve into more abstractions, I want to experience again that ecstatic state after having solved a problem through sheer logic. 

But the future is bleak as usual. Dark clouds of uncertainty produce horrifying shadows which seem to haunt me even in sleep. But the people I met who once inspired me a great deal, they continue to do so at present as I go on a stroll down memory lane. I know what I want to do. The problem as usual is money. For the meantime, I shall live within my means and take one simple step at a time. Next week I'm buying a sketchpad and a set of coloring pencils. But then again, there are deficiencies to take care of first.

A Message 2

"If you're honest, dedicated, and committed, no one can pull you down."

Perfect timing as usual. These days, I'm thinking of how bleak and uncertain the future is. Lately, my relatives have joined the fray in discouraging me to pursue archaeology saying that it's worthless, a waste of time and money, and that I'm better off marrying a rich man and/or pursuing a lucrative career in law. Well, I do plan to go to law school, but for the meantime, I mean to enjoy life and pursue what has been of interest to me since my childhood days. Adults, they really do not understand anything and they think that they know everything. Sad. They don't even know what archaeology is and they do not bother to find out what we archaeologists do. Sadder still because they want me to pursue a common ordinary life. Who would be happy with just earning money and not living life the way you want it lived?

And then there are issues concerning people who keep on looking at other people's achievements and trying to pull them down. I have recently read an article in the Chinese newspapers regarding envy and its good and bad sides. The article says that the bad side of envy is that a person does whatever it takes to pull an achiever down. That "downer" is a complete loser, instead of focusing on his own improvement, he attempts to destroy other people's lives without realizing that it is his life he is destroying. And then there's the good side which propels and motivates one to do his best and to continue improving.

I do not agree with the article. Instead of envy, perhaps the author should have written "admiration". On the other hand, looking back, I really was envious of other people, especially those who are really intelligent and smart, not just academically but also in practical aspects. They became a sort of model for me to strive hard and to put my best foot forward. But I'm all over that phase now. At present, I admire a lot of people, and they are not just intellectually gifted, but also visionaries and have a big heart for people. I think the latter's what make me admire them more.

I wonder if the above quote is true. Sometimes it also takes a strong heart and strong convictions to resist the negative vibes of people. For now I guess I'll just have to focus on my studies and to remain committed to what I am doing. Perhaps, someday, people will see the significance of my work. Perhaps not. Either way, at least  followed my heart. Whatever decisions I make now will greatly affect the future. But what the hell, the present is more important.

Maningning Miclat Awards at GT Toyota UP-Diliman

Bingyang parangal ang mga nagwagi sa Maningning Trilingual Poetry Competition noong Setyembre 29, 2011 sa GT-Toyota UP Asian Center Auditorium. Ang maikling programang ito ay sinamahan ng isang concert kung saan nagtanghal ang sikat na pianistang si Mary Anne Espina, ang soprano na si Banaue Miclat-Janssen, at ang tenor na si Lemuel de la Cruz. Kabilang sa mga panauhin ang mga bigating tao sa larangan ng literatura na sina Bienvenido Lumbrera, F. Sionil Jose, at si Geminio Abad.

Unang binasa ang nagwaging tula sa wikang Tsina na pinamagatang "詩人的眼淚" o "Poet's Tears".Sa wikang Ingles, ang naagwaging tula ay "What Passes for Answers". Ang tulang may pamagat na "Agua" naman ang nanalo sa kategoyang Filipino.

Ang mga kinanta ay mga kantang Tsino na "One Moment" at ang sikat na kantang "月亮代表我的心" o "The Moon Represents My Heart" na sinundan ng "Nessum Dorma". Sa wikang Ingles naman ay "Someone to Watch over Me", "As If We Never Said Goodbye", at "Stranger in Paradise", habang sa wikang Filipino, kinanta nila ang "Mutya ng Pasig", "Kundiman ng Lahi", at "Kataka-taka".


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Isa ito sa mga nais kong daluhan nang mabasa ko ang tungkol dito sa PDI noong nakaraang buwan. Ngunit nang makita kong may bayad ang ticket (P500) ay nagbago ang isip ko. Sa kabutihang palad ay may ticket ang kamag-aral ko at ako'y inanyayahan niyang pumunta kasama siya sa event na ito. Ang malas nga lang, hindi ako nakapagdala ng camera dahil hindi ko inaasahan na makakadalo pala ako. (Kung kaya't walang pic sa entry na ito.)

Dalawa ang layunin ko sa pagdalo, ang marinig muli ang pagtugtog ni Mary Anne Espina ng piano, at ikalawa'y madagdagan ang kaalaman tungkol kay Maningning Miclat. Napadpad ako dati sa websayt ng Miclat Foundation at nalaman ko ang tungkol sa pagiging mahusay na artist ni Maningning. Bukod pa rito, nagagandahan ako sa kanya. Tulad nga ng sabi ni Julie Lluch na isang skulptor, si Maningning ay may "beautiful face—that perfectly formed Asian face, her long hair… She’s lithe, slim, graceful, Pinay na Pinay, yet very Asian."

May kwento si Edna Manlapaz, propesor sa Ateneo, tungkol sa pagsumite ni Maningning ng mga obra niya sa aklatang exclusibong para sa mga obra ng mga kababaihan. Ayon kay Manlapaz, sobrang mahiyain daw si Maningning, pero grabe ang kanyang pagsumite ng mga obra kung kaya't nang sumakabilang-buhay na si Maningning ay mayroon silang naitagong madaming obra literaria na nagpapatunay ng galing at husay ni Maningning sa pagsusulat.

Sayang lang talaga at inagaw ang buhay niya sa murang edad na 28.

Of Unrequited Love and Masterpieces

On my way to the National Archives this morning, I took the LRT, instead of the usual jeep. I woke up late and I do not plan to waste precious time being stuck in the horrible traffic along Quezon Avenue.

While on board, I thought about unrequited love and how it has the capability of ruining a person's life. Also, I thought about how sorrows can be beautiful at times (Weiss Kreutz ending song "Beautiful Alone" playing inside my head) and how an injured heart can derive inspiration to create a masterpiece, pretty much like what Goethe did in the film of the same name.

While reflecting on Lotte's words "Our love is not meant to be in reality, but in poetry", I thought about putting all my emotions onto something concrete. At that moment, as buildings and billboards flash in front of my eyes, I recited fragmented Spanish verses in my mind. I composed verses in Spanish, in French, in Bahasa Indonesia, in Filipino.

Thinking about this project, X-Japan's ballad collection started to play inside my head. I thought of how too much passion is poured into every song in that album, how one can easily see Toshi singing and Yoshiki playing the piano from the heart, and how their performances never fail to touch me for the reason that they were able to give form to the emotions of one hopelessly deep in love with an unresponsive love interest.

It is in times like this that I go back to being a frustrated romantic. I always go back to Gustavo Adolfo Becquer, whose Rimas make him one of my favorite poets of all time.

Rima III

Sacudimiento extraño
que agita las ideas,
como huracán que empuja
las olas en tropel;

murmullo que en el alma
se eleva y va creciendo
como volcán que sordo
anuncia que va a arder;

deformes siluetas
de seres imposibles;
paisajes que aparecen
como un través de un tul;

colores que fundiéndose
remedan en el aire
los átomos del Iris
que nadan en la luz

ideas sin palabras
palabras sin sentido;
cadencias que no tienen
ni ritmo ni compás;

memorias y deseos
de cosas que no existen;
accesos de alegría
impulsos de llorar;

actividad nerviosa
que no halla en qué emplearse;
sin rienda que lo guíe
caballo volador;

locura que el espíritu
exalta y enardece
embriaguez divina
del genio creador...
¡Tal es la inspiración!

gigante voz que el caos
ordena en el cerebro,
y entre las sombras hace
la luz aparecer;

brillante rienda de oro
que poderosa enfrena
de la exaltada mente
el volador corcel;

hilo de luz que en haces
lo pensamientos ata;
sol que las nubes rompe
y toca en el cénit;

inteligente mano
que en un collar de perlas
consigue las indóciles
palabras reunir;

armonioso ritmo
que con cadencia y número
las fugitivas notas
encierra en el compás;

cincel que el bloque muerde
la estatua moldeando
y la belleza plástica
añade a la ideal;

atmósfera en que giran
con orden las ideas,
cual átomos que agrupa
recóndita atracción;

raudal en cuyas ondas
su sed la fiebre apaga;
oasis que al espíritu
devuelve con vigor...
¡Tal es nuestra razón!

Con ambas siempre en lucha
y de ambas vencedor,
tan sólo el genio puede
a un yugo atar las dos.

And indeed, memories of times spent together, those awkward moments including joys and sorrows alike, flood my mind. I remember a line in Wordsworth's (another poet I love) "Daffodils" (one of my favorite poems ever) wherein he writes,

"For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils."

Because the present gives me a major heartbreak, I turn to happy memories to somehow ease the pain. Because I know that we can never be, at least in my mind, in my dreams, in my fantasies, we are.

(The Delusions of an Unhappy Girl)

A Message

"In life, there are always people watching our next move, desperately waiting for us to fail and even praying for us to give up. Don't mind them! It just doubles the fun of living and surviving. Let's keep in mind that failures and problems are not the things that we should be scared of. They could lead to breakthroughs and great discoveries. See life as an adventure and enjoy every moment of it!"

I received this SMS at an opportune moment in my life, when I was in self-doubt and in great need of good cheer amidst this savage civilization. And twice did  receive the message. The best part is that the sender is not even a dear friend nor an acquaintance, but an anonymous one. I have subscribed to SMS News, you see, and sometimes, it sends me inspiring quotes as well as jokes.