Supermoon

So astronomers say that tonight's moon is the biggest supermoon of 2020. Last night I happened to go out to check out my leeks which I have planted after using up the upper stalks and happened to look up at the sky with the golden moon in it. Always the most beautiful jewel. And I envy my plants for being out there in the night sky to enjoy this magnificent spectacle.

If there is one thing I deeply regret this Covid-19, it is that I was not able to pay much attention to my babies. In 2018 I was overcome with this intense desire to do the things I've always wanted to do especially after spending seven months away from home, six in Spain, and one in Indonesia. I felt like a superhero when I came back, even though I found myself in dire straits because of financial problems. I thought to myself, maybe I should just grow my own food so there will be no need to buy. I read up on gardening, bought seeds and thankfully, also received seedlings from many people who are more experienced in gardening. My successes came one after the other for the remaining months of 2018. I was able to successfully get excellent soil from the compost I made from vegetable and fruit wastes. The soil was very dark and it smelled really good. I passed HSK Level 6 at first take and which I prepared for for only three weeks, even though I flunked the listening part as I was not able to focus properly because I suddenly had my period right at the time of the exam and I was only thinking of how to survive the day without making a fool of myself. But then I also think that I am not very good at listening because I struggle with that even in other languages. I was able to pass the comprehensive exam, for me the defining turn if I will continue my masters or not because at that point, I was already too disillusioned with the academe, seeing the same corruption in the government taking place and understanding more fully that even the academe is not spared of nepotism. My exam mates were all shocked to find this girl answering the essays with fury, arriving late in all three exams, and then leaving way too early in all three exams. I was just so depressed back then to find that the stuff I prepared for for two weeks did not show up, and I truly believed it was the end of my masters. But a great miracle happened and I passed the exams. A week after, my money-making wish was also granted. No wonder 2018 will remain my favorite year. I felt like a superwoman back then.

Fast forward to 2020 since there is not much to say about 2019 except for again, the latter part of the year wherein I accomplished very little. For instance, the whole year passed with me not being able to produce a decent thesis proposal. I have been busy learning Business Mandarin as I felt that what we learned in school is too focused on Chinese history and culture and so we graduates are ill-equipped to have business level proficiency unless we do something on our own or enroll in Confucius Institute. Being a language lover, I took on the challenge of doing everything on my own. I was just super lucky to discover excellent books with very good list of business vocabulary accompanying excellent business dialogues. The things I will learn will not benefit me a good deal for a retake of HSK 6 as most words I am learning are not part of the HSK 6 vocabulary. But what the hell, I have long known how mere scraps of paper do not testify to one's competence so I would rather build my skills with or without certificates. I also am proud to finally have made it to Malaysia and to really go around from one city to the other inspite of the smog and haze from Indonesia's forest fires. (I remember writing about this transnational problem during the entrance exam for my masters program.) Backpacking for two and a half weeks made me feel so much more alive. Malaysia is a really beautiful place, except I hate the lack of public transportation which made going around a bit difficult. The food is just superb and I fully understood why they say Malaysia Truly Asia. The food choices are just so wide and as ever, I fell in love with Indian food, Peranakan food, and ate as much asam pedas as I could. A newfound friend there even gifted me with a book "Asam Pedas untuk Dia" when I left his city. I also joined in a trash collection activity and met many earth-lovers. It was tiring and disgusting to pick up cigarette butts and the thought of many smokers nonchalantly throwing butts everywhere is something that I think is very unjust. They themselves should pick up their trash and hopefully quit smoking altogether. I admit when I was young I planned to smoke because I thought it was cool, but I am lucky to have come across important literature on smoking and the harm it contributes to this planet, not just the harmful substances one welcomes into the system, but also social issues of child labor, environmental destruction, artificial famine, etc. So no thanks. I am cool the way I am even though I know in the eyes of others, I am just a weirdo. On second thought there is a lot to be said on my MY trip so I will be writing about my awesome experience there soon.

In 2020, J (or better yet, Q which I think is a cuter name so henceforth I shall refer to him as Q instead) and I are getting to know more about each other. A common classmate, also from the same Russian language class, is set to get married at the end of this month but, since it is announced just today that ECQ will be extended until April 30, the wedding will have to be postponed to I do not know when as there is no official update yet. I chatted with the guy earlier and asked him about possibilities of postponing since my cousin who's getting married in May just announced that the wedding will take place next year instead.

So this ECQ, everyone will probably be expecting that people will finish a lot of tasks, but I am sorry to say that this superwoman is not so super after all. I deal with family stuff and house chores so the thesis will have to take the backseat. It's extra difficult when people in your own family do not see the point of you doing graduate studies and so there is very little moral support. For now I am the one walking kilometers to buy groceries, medicine, and other essentials. I am also expected to cook and wash dishes, among other stuff. Of course, a huge part of my time goes to money-making ventures because I want to live up to my late yaya's wishes for me to become self-reliant and independent, so that never mind if boys will break my heart, at least I can still be my own person. 

It dawns on me at this point how the supermoon can indeed affect the disposition of a person and with many streams of consciousness I find myself asking what the hell am I writing about here. And the title is not apt because I talk very little of the super moon and more about memories of victory, those few triumphant moments in my life that will every now and then inspire me and remind me that miracles abound in this world so I should not lose hope. Heck, I myself am a Miracle.  

08152019

While I am not one to travel for less than five days, I found myself saying yes to an unusual invitation from a former classmate.

We used to sit in the same class on my last semester in college. In that class, I was almost always late because I had to run from the gym (I had table tennis for PE) to my home college. My normal attire then was my UP PE shirt and the volleyball jersey shorts given to me by a highschool friend, and rubber shoes. Since I was usually the last one to enter the classroom, I had the special seat reserved for me, that seat which students would not dare take because it is the one nearest to the professor's table. Good thing I had no qualms about it and have never been intimidated even by terror professors. In fact, most of my classmates admired me for my ability to approach even the most feared of professors and to ask uncomfortable questions. So anyway, those times, that former classmate and I never spoke to each other. Just plain hi or hello. He was always seated between his two friends, one was friendly towards me, the other was a noisy guy in class. I remember being amused with those three because they seldom did homework and yet they endeared themselves to our professors by means of class participation and jokes.

This former classmate and I became Facebook friends but we never had any meaningful interactions save for a few likes of posts or photos, and at one time, he invited me to his house to celebrate his birthday but I wasn't able to attend. In fact, I had no plans of attending because I was afraid of being out of place since I am not like people my age who drink and party a lot. Also because back when we were classmates, I had a little crush on him and I stay away from my crushes because I saw crushes as threats to my peace.

So it came as a big surprise when a week after his birthday, he chatted me up on Facebook and asked if I was in Manila. Friends ask this same question whenever they want to meet and so they check first if I'm even in the metro. I don't know what spirit possessed me at that time or maybe it was out of reflex, I replied "yeah, wanna meet up?" And we agreed to have dinner near my workplace. I was able to keep myself calm upon seeing him. He used to be my crush and whenever I saw him in class I couldn't help but think that he must be a very nice person and a shy one at that. When I first saw him that time at the mall, I was surprised to find his size more than doubled. But he looked way more approachable now compared to the slimmer him. He used to resemble the Korean version of Domyouji (played by Lee Min Ho) and I happen to like guys with curly/ wavy hair, makes them look so hot and sexy. Later on, I thought to myself, maybe if he was still the same size when I first met him, I wouldn't have agreed to go out because he would seem like a threat to my peace, and that is the last thing I wanted after having just moved on successfully.

His pick: YAYOI. Awesome Japanese food. It's easy to see that I am a consumer of Japanese culture and cuisine.

It was a simple catch up. I was a bit nervous because I really knew nothing about him except that he travels way more often compared to me. So I had to make sure to stick to safe topics and he also made me feel at ease. He talked about his family and I was surprised at how he seems to be comfortable talking about his childhood trauma to me, a mere classmate who hasn't seen him in almost a decade. I could very well relate since my family is pretty toxic, also. But at least I had my yaya who was my source of comfort in this cold dark world. I told him about my potted plants and how I would love to own a piece of land just so I can have my own vegetable garden.

My sister and I had agreed to go home together and when she got tired of shopping, which is unusual BTW, she texted me asking when are we going to finish. So we had to part ways and I even forgot his name when I introduced him to my sister. (It was super embarrassing but nothing can compare to  what happened late last year when I went out with a guy whose family is friends with my brother's fiancée. We had lots to talk about because we both travel a lot and after getting dinner and some ice cream, we exchanged numbers only to find out we both forgot each other's names! How awkward and stupid was that! I still laugh when ever I tell that story to my friends.) So J mumbled his complete name which is rather long and I find it cute and I really didn't comprehend half of it but I suddenly remembered his nickname! My sister asked me again his full name when we were headed to the van terminal and I just said, I forgot. Shucks.

So anyway, I didn't want to give it much thought except I am happy that someone from my past without much connection to me reached out and went out with me. It felt like my reconnection project after finishing my post-graduate diploma studies. Weeks after, I invited him to watch movies at a film festival but he declined due to an emergency. We lost contact for a while and out of nowhere he messaged me and asked me to travel with him just because he found me one very cool person. (Spending New Year's Eve with him up until daybreak of 2020, I remembered to ask him what he meant by "cool" then and he said that I was fun to be with. The same comment I get from my male friends who just want to hang out but never did try to pursue me romantically.) So in October of 2019, we went to Albay together with my roommate in Penang, a girl whom I eventually regretted bringing with us because she was overly dependent on us and cared only about herself. We stayed in his house the night before our early morning flight and he cooked fish curry for us. He used pampano and it was really good, except I would have preferred a spicy version. That was the first time I saw how cool J was. And he became an even cooler person in my eyes because he never complained even when we stayed in a non-AC room, even when in Rapu-Rapu Island we never did any of the touristy stuff and had simple meals in the local carinderia. We swam in what the locals call "Look" which is a bay facing the open sea. It was pretty safe, not much waves. I saw how strong he is when we hiked to the waterfalls and back. I wanted to hug him if only because he reminds me of my favorite panda Po, as he tried to keep up with us. In order to make the hike a bit entertaining and less tiresome, I played sweeper so I could keep an eye on him in case something happens and sang animé songs like my favorite Fields of Hope. The objective was to lighten up the atmosphere because I was thinking maybe he didn't like all the strenuous activity. I was surprised he knew the song! And I think I began to like him when we did some karaoke with the locals and it turned out that he is karaoke king! WOW! I once told myself, I wanted to be with someone musically inclined and who knows how to cook. Maybe he is sent by the heavens to me.

I finally got to see the majestic almost perfect cone of Mt. Mayon, pride of Bicol.

Never mind that he didn't greet me on my birthday. Never mind that he still hasn't handed to me the dried fish he bought in Seoul in September as of this writing. But when I was asking around who'd love to go with me to a concert where Ben&Ben would be performing, he was the only one who said yes. We had early dinner at High Grounds in Timog area. He said he used to play computer games there. The café has really cool fusion food. He planned to treat me but I was almost 30 minutes late so I volunteered to pay the bill. I´m so happy to find someone who´s super passionate about music and who can understand me whenever I talk about why I love this kind of music and why not that kind of music. We shared a cup of DQ ice cream during the concert and after that, went for some milk tea, my first time to taste Macao Imperial. Then we headed to a cool karaoke place where the mic seems to beautify everything. We did 2 hours and he dropped me off at our village gate at 3AM, the latest I went home to since we moved to the north. Before arriving home, I managed to ask him if he has plans of settling down and he said, if given the chance, why not.

The sunset as viewed from our simple room in Rapu-Rapu Island

The next few days saw us becoming closer in chats. I was starting to feel at ease with this guy who´s just so talented and so kind I cried a couple of times whenever I remember stories of his exes. Of course everything was from his POV but then imagining the abuses he´s had suffered from different people, my heart hurt for him and I cried. Why do people hurt good people and love bad people? Everytime we're together and remember all the pain he's been through, I wanted to hug him and protect his happiness, seeing that he is a very nice person although he has numerous flaws of his own. I was thinking what if years back I had been bold enough to be friendly with him, what if I attended his birthday party in 2013, what if I confessed to him back then? On second thought, looking back, me during my undergraduate years is an angry girl and I might not be able to give him the love and care he deserved.

Bicol's famous chili ice cream at 1st Colonial (NAIA T3): I had the spiciest one. He had the less spicy version. 

I invited him to jog around UP but we ended up walking and going on a mini food trip. That was fine. I actually foresaw that already. We talked more about relationships, his past mistakes which he regrets so much. I asked how his brother is doing after a sudden breakup with his fiancée. Out of the blue, he said that marriage is just something society expects from us and all the postmodern stuff. It made me sad, because it seemed like suddenly he changed his mind about marriage. While right now I am still ambivalent about marriage, I am pretty sure I'd want to have children of my own, although at times I fear that bringing them into this world might be a bad idea because of the chaos and the prevalence of heartless, robotic humans. At this point I was surprised to learn that he wrote a children's book. We talked about poetry and songs and how he likes Sylvia Plath and postmodern stuff and I said I like Romantic ones like Wordsworth, Blake, Becquer and that I care about the form and structure of the poem as much as I care about the message.

We didn't see each for days and on the 31st, I picked up the courage to ask him if he's free to hang out. At that time, I have noticed that I was always the one who's taking the initiative to ask him out and to plan activities together and I was kind of thinking that maybe he is just being polite when he tells me he enjoys being with me. He never asked me out except for the trip that we planned together. So I was thinking maybe this time he will decline because NYE is kind of special and if he declines, that will be the last time I will be proactive. He was more than happy to see me but he asked to meet up after their family dinner, which is understandable. As for me, I panicked when I later on realized that establishments close very early. I asked him if he wanted to postpone to a later date instead because we didn't have anywhere to hang out in and he asked his friends around and one couple agreed to take us in. So he picked me up and together we spent NYE and first hours of 2020 together. It made me feel special but I do not want to assume anything since he never said he liked me. Everything just happened so fast and I just want to relax and see how it goes.

San Juan de Gaztelugatxe

While in Salamanca, I met a Chinese American girl who lives in Bilbao. When I asked what's to see in her province, she recommended San Juan de Gaztelugatxe which is known to be the Dragonstone in the HBO series Game of Thrones. Now, I have only watched until around episode 2 of Season 2 (what a loser!!! But I am already in Book 4...) so I don't really know much about the series settings and such. I cannot call myself a fan although I am really awed at how GRRM weaves the different strands of stories into a grand narrative. Like, wow! It can beat Chinese classics for its number of interesting characters! Or even Eiichiro Oda's One Piece!

So as soon as I arrived in Bilbao, still sleepy from the night bus, I went straight to my hostel, left my backpack there, and headed to Plaza Moyua to wait for the bus that will take me to San Juan de Gaztelugatxe. It was a Saturday and the Bilbao-Bermeo route is out of the question even though this was what the hostel staff suggested to me. No choice but to do the Bilbao-Bakio route which requires hiking of more than 2 km to get to the foot of the famed ermita of San Juan.

It rained intermittently that morning. When we finally arrived in Bakio, there were only five of us doing the hike. The four were two couples. (Life throws me a lot of cruel jokes!) So not really sure if I can do it alone, I invited one couple to hike with me. Of course I had to observe first because I didn't want to be with sissies. Turned out the couple was recently married. They are from Belarus and so I learned a lot about Eastern Europe from the lady who talked to me about the politics, the economy, the difficult life in their country, relationship problems, etc.

I had fun with the two. They told me they were lucky to have been with me because they have been traveling around with no photos together. I offered to take their photos, and in exchange they also did mine. It was a win-win situation. So finally when we reached the island, the sun was shining bright and so I was dead tired hiking back to the bus stop because of the heat. Still it wasn't that bad. I liked the trees and the sea breeze. This is one of my most memorable things in Spain. Perfect environment, nice weather, and good company. 

Me ringing the bell thrice for a wish.  

The view of what you hiked when you finally get near the chapel.

Gernika

Art enthusiasts know Pablo Picasso's masterpiece, the Guernica, which speaks against the bombing of Gernika town by the Nazis as ordered by Franco. I saw the original painting in the Museo Nacional Centro de Arte Reina Sofia in Madrid and, like all other visitors in that gallery, stood in  pensive reflection of how wars bring damage and destruction to civilians. So when I was in Bilbao for my last backpacking trip, I made sure to drop by Gernika town on a Sunday, just in time when some museums grant free entry.

Upon arrival, one can see many stands with information about the sites. In this particular site, I held back tears after reading the story of a girl who was crying because she was so scared to go back to her house and save her two brothers, with one being just a baby.

Surprised to find people queueing outside of this building which turned out to be the town's public library. ON A SUNDAY!

The ceiling of the Assembly House shows a stained glass painting of the oak tree It was made by hand by Vidrieras de Arte S.A. and was completed in 1985. It should be known that the Assembly House and the Tree of Gernika are the living symbols of the Basque People. As a seat of the historical parliament of Bizkaia, this building and the tree became a meeting point of all the territories of Euskal Herria (a.k.a. Basque Country), bringing together cultural and ethnographic traditions.

This is the remains of the old oak tree which was planted in 1700 and which is now protected by structure. A younger oak tree, planted in 1860, can be found not far from this old one. That tree witnessed the 1937 bombing.

A replica of Picasso's famous painting is installed outdoors for public viewing. Across it, one finds a bench on which one can sit to contemplate about peace and conflict resolution.

Gernika is a small town where tourists can do daytrips. Aside from few museums and a church, there is also a park with two big sculptural works installed on the grounds. I visited two museums here, one is free on Sundays and the other you have to pay (Museo Euskal Herria). I like the free one better because of the simulations of the bombing of Gernika in one of the rooms. In the upper floors, one cannot help but think about how shallow people have become for waging war against fellow humans over the pettiest of things. The museum also invites visitors to think about peace and how we can confront those who disrupt peace because of differences. My mind instantly connected the learnings to how to keep healthy relationships. Peacemaking is not just between nations and states. It should also go down to the most basic level, how we deal with the people around us. I thought about how people should learn to respect differences (something I have always believed in since highschool) and to meet halfway when resolving issues. Needless to say, I left with a heavy heart. So from hereon to San Sebastian to Barcelona, while I did try my best to enjoy my adventures, I felt like a huge part of me is missing. I felt hollow inside.

And in Barcelona I thought it might be because I was finally coming to terms with the things that happened to me the past three years. 

First Night in Madrid

I still remember the first time I set foot in Europe. My first stop was Madrid. A day before, I was with A who stayed with me until I checked in in the wee hours of the morning. I don't know why he had to do something like that. I didn't want to assume anything anymore because I've been countless times and I just got tired of guessing what I was to him. Still, I must admit that I was happy when he accompanied me. He gave me three things initially--- a jacket, a journal with leather covers, and a Parker pen with my nickname engraved on it. As I was about to leave, he handed me an 8GB flash drive which looks like a PVC card. It was my first time to see something like that. Looking back, those things really came in handy. I used the jacket for sleeping since my other two jackets are not comfortable for such. The flash drive came in handy whenever I needed to print important stuffs here and also good for exchanging files with people who became my friends here.

I didn't book any hotel on my first night in Madrid, thinking of staying the night at the airport to save money. But in the airport I met two Filipinos and I decided to go with them as I was in dire need of sleeping comfortably on a bed after 20 hours of travel. One of them happened to book AirBNB so we just contacted the landlady to request for two additional beds.

AirBNB room shared with two other Filipinos

The two Filipinos checked out very early the next morning, leaving me alone. I realized that sunrise is at around 9:00 AM! So I decided to make the most of WIFI and searched how to get to my hostel where I would stay for three nights.

my first meal in Madrid: a can of Century tuna and Rebisco crackers for breakfast

The electrical outlet is not compatible with my chargers but good thing I had my power bank.

When the sun was already up, I left the AirBNB. God, did I had a hard time getting all my stuff downstairs because there was no lift! Our bedroom was on the third floor. Ugh! It was just the start of my battles as I would learn later on because the metro near my hostel DOES NOT have a lift and so poor me had to drag all my stuffs up the stairs slowly. And then I got lost trying to look for my hostel in Lavapies' labyrinthine streets. An old lady to whom I asked directions offered to help me with my stuffs but I refused because there I was, half her age and huffing and puffing! It was embarrassing to say the least. I kind of regretted bringing a lot of canned goods and other foodstuff!

Madrid's pebbled streets in Lavapies

 So imagine my joy when I finally got inside my hostel where I rested for a few hours before going out to see what Madrid has to offer. Of course I also took advantage of the WIFI to check out nearby places of interest since I wanted to rest early.

La Santa Iglesia Catedral Metropolitana de Santa María la Real de la Almudena (aka Almudena Church)
This church is the seat of the Archdiocese of Madrid

Inside the Almudena Church's crypt which reminded me of the arches of Cordoba's mezquita.

Palacio Real de Madrid where the King of Spain used to live before transferring to Palacio de Zarzeula.

When I arrived back at the hostel, I quickly became friends with a fellow hostelmate, a traveler from Malaysia. I shared to her a pack of Indomie and we talked about many things. Her family lives in Sabah and she knows the Tausug group saying that some of her distant relatives live in Zamboanga. Later on, a new hostelmate arrived, a girl from Mexico. We hit it off instantly and this Mexican girl and I shared a very special bond especially after she massaged me one night because of my sore muscles probably because of dragging my luggage. I think fondly of her because she took care of washing and drying our clothes. That's my kind of girl, one who is open and not selfish. No wonder we found ourselves roaming the streets of Madrid for the next few days until she sent me off when I decided to go to the south.

To be continued....

Six Months Abroad Drawing to a Close

So this will be my last month in a foreign country, my first time outside of my home country for six months. In fact while packing my things late last year when we moved to a new house, I encountered my old employee interviews and assessments and at that time, seeing what I had written made me feel that itch to be abroad again. I wrote in one assessment that I would like to live away from home. I did so last year starting May until December when I rented out a room in a house near my workplace. Then starting January of this year to end of June, I will have completed another six months of  living away from home.

It always amazes me how sometimes you pen out your dreams and then forget them afterwards then life makes things fall into place and then suddenly you begin realizing that, shucks, this was what I wanted before! And then you remember how you felt so resolute back then, how determined, but then life happens, diluting the dreams but I guess the heart never forgets. It's as if the heart has made a pact with the universe to get to where it wants to be no matter how long it takes. I guess I must be a very patient person after all. 

The people I met here almost always remark about my excessive curiosity which they find both too much and at the same time, cute. They always think I'm a young girl (well, I am young but definitely not a fresh graduate). I get many nicknames here because of that. I am called "carita de bebe" and most of the time, "guapa". Staying for three nights in an AirBNB owned by a Chinese, I got a review from her calling me "非常可爱美女". I was speechless for some time. But then I would opt to treat these as compliments. I am blessed to have youthful looks, unlike most people who look way older than they actually are. But then again, people almost always underestimate my capability to travel because of this. Not that it prevents me from exploring, I just find it sad when they do that.

Six months on almost retirement, six months of much-needed break.... everything has been a worthwhile experience for me. I got to backpack around without rush (although I am always worried about my funds). Six months of being away from my country to test myself and to put myself in a position where I can be far from him. Because this girl needs to move on fast, and there's no better way than to live in a foreign land where you will be more focused on yourself and where you yourself becomes top priority because who else is going to watch out for you?

It only takes six months to test my hypothesis that I can live on my own at this age. Probably not when I am old and sickly, but before I reach that stage in my life, I would love to see many things and to build my own self--- get to know more people, get to explore more cultures and places, get to listen to this world's zeitgeist, or maybe to the small local zeitgeists. This is living life to the fullest. Many will see this as reckless. Many will see this as irresponsible and a waste of time and money. For me it is the best thing yet.

I'm finally moving on.

Three Months and Going Strong

More than three months of living away from my beloved country opened my eyes to the harsh realities of the world and when such things happen, you begin to lose faith in humanity. I found some Filipino groups here (not communities as they are very far from the concept of community as source of support) and it breaks my heart to learn that what they say about Filipinos trying to take advantage of fellow Filipinos is actually true. I find this a big disgrace since Filipinos are always known for being warm and hospitable but as it turns out it is exclusively for foreigners. Very few would be happy to help fellow Filipinos, nor can they find peace when they know of other Filipinos' success. This is a far cry from the early overseas Chinese who were able to organize themselves and form associations with the full understanding that in union there is strength and that their cultural survival is very important, as well as the maintenance of ties with the Motherland. Of course the stories abound and such organizations are not without difficulties and not without shameless scrupulous persons who take advantage of immigrants' vulnerability.

I got to know some Filipinos from three main groups. The first is from a group of Filipinos who received scholarships to study here, with whom I have maintained contact. The second is a small group of INC adherents whom I got to know for only a short period of time. The third group is actually not a group but rather scattered Filipinos I met as I continue my journey. I have interacted more with the first group. They are mostly fresh graduates predominantly from DLSU though some graduated from UP, ADMU, and a significant percentage from the Visayas. This group comes from rich families, as they share their stories of having to shoulder their own plane fares to and from PH. Most of the UP students I got to know share experiences which I also observe in other persons in the same group: the rich ones are super liberated and the girls post a lot of sexy bikini photos on their Whatsapp and Facebook. We just laugh it off as something shallow because it is very much clear that they went abroad to find foreign men. White Lovers as we call them. Interestingly, most of the UP students I got to meet are pretty much homebodies like me and we are in the same age group so definitely we do not belong to the latter batches who mostly are rich (Like, do you even see students from poor rural areas in UP? So many things have changed), and prefer going solo when travelling. That just saves a lot of energy. Imagine having to travel with a bunch of annoyingly flirty people who just cannot live without partying. I don't even understand that culture and for me it is repulsive. Why would you pay for something that will make you feel uncomfortable? No thanks. I am happy exploring on my own or simply staying in my flat reading books, watching movies, or simply cooking.

Also, the complaints I hear whenever they tell me stories vary. For instance, these DLSU people form cliques of their own and they IGNORE everyone else. I met only one DLSU graduate who was different and who can mingle with different types of persons. She likes partying and drinking and is quite liberated, telling me about her sexual exploits even! She is an open book and it is clear that she is like that because she values connections for her "future projects".

When the first group encountered some problems with the regional government, instead of demanding transparency and accountability they would prefer to keep silent. One even said, "do not bite the hands that feed you". So poor of him to have poor intellect with very little understanding of how the world works. Rich countries do not offer scholarships just because they are feeling generous. They do so for many reasons. One, the local population is stupid. (Just imagine USA... without the immigrants, it will die because the immigrants especially from Israel, Middle East, and East Asia contribute to the betterment of society with their bright ideas. As in the past when the immigrants provided backbreaking labor to build the infrastructures, so too now they are the source of the US' intellectual capital.) Second, they need to coopt target nationalities to have "allies" in the countries. I have always wanted to study abroad to gain experience but then I am thinking if I get brainwashed then I won't be able to serve my country well. So, no thanks. How many Filipino scholars have continued to fight for the marginalized after studying abroad? I even have a personal experience of being taken advantage of BY A PROFESSOR who was a product of Cambridge University no less. And my ex, a product of Australian education system, idolizes the West so much that I question his loyalty to the country. He in turn points out that I am partly Chinese and at present when China is becoming stronger economically and militarily, I often get insults from him. Like, duh. I always tell him that I am never a dog of anyone and that my principles and my beliefs are my own and not imposed on me by friends in the media or any "influential" person in the West. It doesn't matter how many years I spent in formal schools, I am able to retain my own self-identity because yes I attend classes, but this autodidactic is an explorer who refuses to be limited by books and the four walls of the classroom, more so by the media which is EXTREMELY BIASED AND UNBALANCED because for all we know they are paid by the rich and the powerful (Hello, Rappler and PDI!). So anyway, the third reason why rich countries attract bright students from other countries is for their own locals to experience interculturality and multiculturalism without having to spend bucks to travel abroad.

So it's funny that in the 19th century it was the Filipino middle class who initiated the reforms although it should be noted that history has been replete with small rebellions led by the poor who could no longer bear that injustices brought on them.  At present, I do not know what educators teach the students because their view of democracy is limited only to "majority wins" and to elections. I am even more disappointed to find that there is a UST professor among them who cautioned against sending a letter to the regional government and this UST professor studied abroad and teaches history. I shudder to imagine what she teaches to her students! I am equally disappointed in a UP professor among them who is so cowardly I lost whatever respect I initially had for her. But oh well, she is also a product of western universities so "do not bite the hand that feeds you" applies. I talked to her once about this in the hope of encouraging her to move but cowardice produces illogical excuses. I stopped talking to her after that.

The second group shares almost the same views as I do and they are composed of OFWs who work as domestic workers. I had the honor of being invited to their Sunday worship. Before that, we exchanged experiences and ideas on PH politics and how it is affecting the lives of ordinary people. Most educators focus a lot on the state and on "important" people without giving a damn f*ck about those at the bottom. I got to know more about INC stand on many things because of them. Apparently they don't like Rappler and ABS-CBN for the same reason I have--- they find these two media VERY biased and very elitist. I have been reading Rappler for the past few years but honestly I find it very bad journalism. The "journalists" cannot even write decent articles, and what is equally insulting is that it is very clear that it reflects bourgeois sentiments. What do we expect when the journalists themselves come from the rich??? And their bias is more obvious these days because of their anti-Duterte stand. Like, Rappler, honestly, does the Liberal Party or maybe that grand PH secret leader finance your operations??? So okay I also do not like Duterte but GIVE THE GUY A CHANCE! Here finally we have someone with political will but let's HELP instead of continuously criticizing him! (I am a teeny weeny bit pro-EJK, but I also want to see THE MASTERMINDS punished, those AT THE TOP and not just the poor. In fact, I want all public officials guilty of corruption to BE PUBLICLY EXECUTED to serve as warning to the future leaders and to remind them that their duty is to SERVE the Filipinos and not to destroy the country. Yes I have come to such extreme belief because PH politics is beyond hope and the society is full of brainwashed cowards.)

The third group are also domestic workers who just do not give a damn about what's going on. They only care about themselves and keep on comparing how others are faring. This is the envious group, as I label them. They're not as interesting as the second group but I would also listen to their stories of hardship and loneliness, including their sexual adventures here.

And speaking of romantic relationships, the ex has been asking me if I was dating anyone here. Stupid question. Until now he insults me because he does not know me well enough. Poor guy probably met shallow women all his life that he finds it hard to accept that there are strong independent women out there who can live abroad without men. Never compare me with other girls. I travel to learn more about myself and the world we live in, not to flirt with other men. Like, ewwww, I've had enough of stupid men in my life. I am on a vacation so I am supposed to enjoy and not bring hell into my life.

Smells Like Old Spirit

Going on a long vacation on a small budget and bringing along my external hard disk with me, I woke up one morning thinking why the hell I accumulated all these movies yet I didn't have the time to watch them. The same goes with my books which, to my family's great dismay, ended up in almost 20 big boxes. We only knew how many I had when we moved house last year. Heh! (Reminds me of Maestra, Switters' grandma in Tom Robbins' "Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates", a literary companion I planned to leave in this country I am in now, except I find it so hilarious and such a literary gem that I am having second thoughts... On the other hand, this is a practice on detachment. Let's see what will happen around July.) 

I guess I was too busy at work and school, too busy doing things for others, for my family, for friends, and for that special someone. Then again when push comes to shove, I have proven that only family will be there for you. So starting 2017 I have been more family-centered and have gone out less with friends, putting my family at the topmost priority, even before work. (In case you are wondering, work is not even in my top 5. Yes, it is important, but I realized after graduation that work only pays the bills but does not nurture the soul much. I had fun in all my jobs, but I know I am in the wrong place. But I stayed on working for private companies while being compensated not so handsomely because you know how capitalists work. I mean, they don't work, they let other people do the work for them for a measly sum, and that's how we perpetuate this stupid system that widens the gap between the rich and the poor.

After I graduated from college, all I wanted was to be of service to my country. I know that a person of my skill is much needed. In all the job interviews I've been to, the interviewers look at me with much awe and almost always exclaims, "You are such a rare breed!". Breed. As if I am some kind of an animal domesticated, engineered by humans to serve their purpose, not mine. But being someone who sees the good in everything I take it as a compliment. When you meet a person who speaks many languages fluently, and some languages that enables her to survive in different countries, I guess you will also be amazed. But I realized, I don't want to be seen as just that because I am more than that. I am also human, flesh and blood. I get hurt, I cry easily, I laugh easily, I have my idiosyncrasies that, if you are a capitalist or a friendly user, you don't need to know me in that level, you will only know me and befriend me for the fact that you know I can be of use to you someday. Pretty much how 95% of the people are in the office until I couldn't take it anymore and finally called it quits. Same with the "friends", those people whom I spent time with and whom I loved truly for who they are but who ended up just, you know, people who are engrossed in this materialistic world they don't care about other people.

But anyway, back to how I would have loved to serve my country... I got opportunities but they were small opportunities and I felt like an instrument. Like, whenever I remember how a professor hired me to do archival research and translations for her but ended up getting paid only PHP 5,000.00 per month, I cannot see how she sleeps soundly at night when she tells her stories to others about how, as a PhD student in Cambridge, she was grateful to have been hired as a library assistant which gave her extra money. (To benchmark, PHP 5,000 is monthly salary of graduate assistants who do clerical work. What I was doing was research and yet she paid me the same amount she pays to someone who just arranges her class readings and staples them. She could have added extra, just because my work was totally different and requires special skills. And yet there she was, knowing fully well my capabilities and work ethics and taking advantage of me who was a penniless archaeology student doing freelance jobs and paying my own tuition so I often worried about going on LOA every semester because I might not have enough money to pay. Talk about hypocrisy. That was my first brush with hypocritical "intellectuals", but I do know that there are true intellectuals out there, those who embody not just honor and excellence, but also service and compassion. My parents did offer to pay although they couldn't understand what got me in such adiscipline that demands money, time, and effort with no monetary returns. I couldn't tell them "THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS ABOUT." (But I guess what I understood from their kind gesture even though I stopped getting money from them after I finished my undergraduate course while working part-time for our family business for no salary, just allowances which was just enough for me to photocopy some readings and I had to walk instead of taking the jeepney to be able to save up for books... is that, you know, family will always be there for you, even if they may not, or if you think they may not, understand you fully well.)

But I guess before going on this long vacation, what really made me sure of my conviction that family will always be there for you is that, my mother arranged for my transport needs to haul away all my things from my dorm and office to our house. I already negotiated with two friends on that, one for backup just in case the other will have unexpected things to attend to. I didn't think of asking anyone from the family because I know they are always busy and I also know (or think) that I am low on their priority list as evidenced by many times I have been let down in the past, thus I was almost always a no-show in my friends important events. (Looking back though, I was able to attend two debut parties of my friends, and my first year-end party in my last company because my brother agreed to pick me up. Looking back, I was able to watch Phantom of the Opera because my dad agreed to be my date as he was concerned for my safety going home late. So maybe, even though I bore grudges against my family especially my parents for not allowing me to really get into the things I wanted, I guess they grounded me in reality in the fact that they made me realize that life is not just about art or literature or music, that it is also about WORKING, being independent, earning your own money so you can get the things that you want and need without depending on anyone, or better yet, in my words, WITHOUT USING ANYONE. (But the idea of working in the humanities is beyond them coz many artists and writers died broke and I know they are just afraid for me if I become engrossed in the pursuit of excellence in those fields.) Early on, as a grade 2 student, my mother taught me how to check receipts of payables. That made me do well in math later on until of course, being a lover of abstract ideas, I really fell in love with math eventually when I discovered its beauty... and chaos theory. LOL. So I ended up taking trigonometry (Math 17, said to be the deciding factor for engineering students because many who got in the program fail in this subject before the 50 series) right after I finish my undergraduate course and so I didn't attend the college graduation rites because I was in class and I didn't want to be absent in class. It was the first time I paid for my own tuition fee and so I felt more responsible and more serious, compared to my undergraduate days wherein I always end up sleeping in class, or being late (I had a bad reputation back then and was notorious for my tardiness thus earning the ire of many teachers).

And this blog entry feels like a small trip down memory lane. I guess this vacation is doing me good. I feel like an old person on her retirement. It's been a little more than a month living in a country so far from home. I had no one to depend on so I cook my own food, wash my own clothes, and just look after my health with extra care because I certainly cannot afford to get sick in a foreign land. So I adopted fully my being Chinese here, adopted the thousand years old tradition of preparing healthy and delicious food, by experimenting on many different things. My diet consists of veggies and fruits and little meat and carbohydrates while this winter cold persists. Of course I miss fried chicken and much as I hate the US, I do confess that I miss KFC, especially hot shots which have been my comfort food when I was staying in the dorm. (And I do miss the fried chicken in the stalls in the friendly neighborhood, the ones which come with sweetly spiced vinegar... And of course, who doesn't miss adobo?)

Oh yeah and before I forget, after one month of living here, I discovered many things about myself, that indeed I am a Cooking Master Girl! LOL. Having tasted many different food in my travels allowed me to get a very nice understanding of how different treatment of veggies and meats and fruits. One only needs to know their essential characteristics and unleash all creativity in the kitchen to bring out their best flavors. I did. And this is called living in the moment for me, being resourceful, being conscious. It's like when you date a person, you want to know about him, what makes him tick, what makes hims sad, what brings out different emotions in him, so you can support him better and bring out the best in him. But at least with food you are rewarded with good health, elated tastebuds, and happy tummy. With dating, you need to invest in the right person otherwise, you end up being drained because you give the good in you away getting nothing in return.

So there my rants and my reflections on life in general. This vacation is meant to heal me from all the negativities I let in without a thought all these years. It was a difficult process, sometimes I doubt myself if I will return to my country with a whole and happy heart again, sometimes I feel afraid of losing myself but I am taking it slow. Instead of hopping from one place to the other, I chose to stay in one place, savor the moments, enjoy the moment, no haste, no deadlines, just plain relaxation while I spend my hours walking, watching movies, reading "Fierce Invalids" (which I am reading at a very slow pace because I don't want to part with it yet), and several ebooks in between. And my offline Youtube videos don't work here which sucks so I watch very few videos. Ugh!

Sagada Memories in Photos Part 1

Yorghurt House's omelette: my first meal on my second trip to Sagada. I had breakfast with two stranger-turned-friends. Met the two upon arrival at the town hall. They were also part of the planting project.

mixed fruits yoghurt: simple delight after a light meal

Sagada Brew

The famous Lemon Pie House which I still haven't tried. More reasons to go back. :)

T, K, and I saw this along the way when we explored the town. The first thing that came to mind upon seeing this was fat fried chicken! They laughed. It's not everyday that I get to see super chubby chickens.

Yoghurt House. Fond memories <3

The inscription reads "SAGADA AD 1921". The bell is located inside the church complex.

K and I encountered this house which I believed to be William Henry Scott's house. They say his library is still pretty much alive, but that most books have been discarded. AWWWWTS!!!

Sagada Weaving. The weavers of Sagada make excellent quality bags. On this trip I added a mailbag and a coin purse to my collection of woven bags. Next time I am buying one of those more pricey but more elegant bags for formal events.

Rocky Valley Inn and Cafe. Across this establishment we hanged out and waited t be picked up by one of the project leaders.

Took this photo while we were toured on wheels so not a lovely angle but I at least was able to snap a photo of the place where we used to stay way back in 2012.

chicken pesto past at P250:  it's light and it's tasty

Side stop to Lake Danum late in the afternoon only to be met by thick fog. I love sunsets but I also like fog (as long as no smoke is mixed in LOL) That is me in my 7 year old camisa de chino which dates back to my archaeo days and which I now wear for planting work.

In front of this altar I prayed and cried twice. Prayed for God to show me the way, to enlighten my mind, to lead me to peace, to lead me to the right people who can be truly family to me and who will treat me right. I remember the Light and I renew my vow to make her proud. I know she'd love to see finish my masters.

Corn and rice planted alternately on these mini terraces. The smell of both waft in the air. I super love Sagada!!!

The super cozy wooden cabin house where we stayed.  Super nice interiors.

Around this bonfiire we hanged out, debated, and told stories.

Just some random extra cute shiny beetle.

I got to try eating using this biodegradable plate. Yum yum! The pinikpikan is to die for. Never mind that it requires tortured chicken huhu. But the taste is exquisite.

the incubation area for seedlings before they are transferred to Mother Earth.

Sagada Memories: Stories

On the third week of June, I joined a coffee-planting volunteer work in Sagada. It was the perfect time to unwind, to go somewhere far where I had been and meet new people in the process. I was a bit heartbroken a few days prior because for the nth time, he hurt my feelings. Many would say that I am too sensitive. I do admit that, but it's only because I take great care not to offend nor hurt the ones I love that I expect the same from them. This June opened my eyes to the reality that he never loved me. He never cared for me and he never respected me. As I have said in my previous post, he is just a pretentious boy who has to rely on deceit to get by. Strong people would never resort to such lowly tactics because strong people protect, they do not hurt other people. So if there is one truth he said, it is that he is weak. He can brag about his many achievements, but those things do not define a  man; relations do, being a mindful and compassionate person does.

A few days before I left for Sagada, we met up because he needed help and I, as usual, wanted to be there for him. Only to be disrespected. We met his friends and they were talking in their own native language, without even thinking if I felt out of place. I can catch some of the words thanks to my training in Bahasa but most I do not comprehend. I felt so sleepy (as usual) after our dinner at a simple eatery. The place serves really good grilled stuff mostly grilled chicken (no squid though...). I got offended when he invited his FEMALE friend (whom he says is already engaged.. or married? I don't care) to swim at his place, WHEN HE NEVER INVITED ME. And he was just super insensitive and kept on asking me what's wrong with me. A boy can never comprehend a woman when he refuses to take the effort to. Then came one of the most heartbreaking part when he left me alone in the streets at night all of a sudden, bringing my backpack down on the ground and walking away to hail a cab. At least he was still nice enough to carry my heavy backpack that night (#sarcasm).

But we patched things up that night. Yet after that night, things were never the same again. I didn't even cry when it happened. It opened my eyes that I was dating an immature boy who only cares about himself. He says I was controlling him. He was swallowed by paranoia, thinking that me helping him meant I wanted to control him. It only made me see that the relationship is really going nowhere. He never did trust me, despite him always saying he does so. That incident made me rethink our relationship, made me question my choices to love him with all my heart. You can always love a person, but should stop when that person refuses to be loved. Take it or leave it, there's no in-between.

So going back to Sagada, which should be the heart of this post: the night of my departure, I told him I was in the bus terminal, hoping he would come visit me even for a while to see me off. Nothing of the sort happened. Stubborn me, I reprimanded myself back then. Why did I keep on hoping for him to do things for me??? He couldn't even face my parents, he had to be forced to meet my sisters. With a heavy heart I left Manila for Sagada, that place in the north where he traveled with his French girlfriend whom he is proud to have. He always is proud to have had a French girl and even planned to marry her despite that circumstances in which they met. What decent guy would marry a girl who got drunk and got inside a stranger's room to make out with a stranger? And I being idealistic, believing in the power of humans to change, didn't make much of it. The present is always more important. So while in the bus, when I was not sleeping I was crying. Coz... they play sappy music in the bus... Makes me remember the days when he was sweet to me and makes me wonder if he really did love me, even one bit. (Okay I will stop, he clearly DOES NOT!!! Dear girl, quit your delusions!)

In Sagada, I met nice people who somehow took my mind off him. I met interesting women. One is an almost 40 year old woman but still looks young, probably because of her outlook in life. She is very motherly and it makes me wonder why no guy pursued her. (But oh well, only boys roam the world, boys who like the superficial.) She was with her friend who was able to study in Australia on a scholarship. The friend is a daughter of a former government official and although the family name is extraordinary, I failed to make a connection until later. In fact, they had to tell me. LOL. Another is a quiet woman, already married and whose husband is working abroad. She is a businesswoman and has made herself financially independent thus allowing herself to travel alone even without the support of her husband. But my heart was shattered when I learned that she is having an affair. Just what is wrong with the world??? We had a heart-to-heart talk before we parted ways and that was when she shared her story. I, of course, cautioned her against continuing the affair. I told her, that I understand her needs; her husband is away, but THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. When you marry someone, you commit to the relationship, you commit to being a good wife to your husband (or being a good husband to your wife). Besides, the person she's having an affair with is also married and has kids. Being a homewrecker will not make her happy. So I shared with her how my dad destroyed my view of males, how angry I was (still am) at him when we learned of his affairs. And I asked her to think what if his child grows up to be like me? I reminded her that this is no win-win situation.

I was reminded of the time when someone asked me out for a date but who turned out to be already married. When I found out, I already liked him a bit. But you will know how strong you are when you are able to walk away from temptations. And I just did. So whenever I think of my frailty, I will always think of that moment when I fought myself hard to do the right thing before our "friendship" deepens and before I do something that will cause me guilt all of my life. That is how fidelity works. You nip it in the bud. You do as Ulysses did when he ordered his men to tie him up and put ear plugs on to resist the seductive sirens. Such preventive mechanism will enable you to step away from things that you will regret later. They say that affairs usually start out as innocent friendship. But it blossoms because you spend too much time together than necessary. You know you are in big trouble when you are more concerned about this extra lover than about your official lover (i.e. husband/ wife). It is also this reason that whenever I talk to my male friends, I would make it a point to tell them about A, to send the message that I am already off-limits. (Only to find out later on that he dated a girl in his class with whom he shared my work and he told her that "we used to date". "Used to" when at that time we were still good. So what does that make him?)

So going back to the people I met in Sagada... There was this one doctor who seemed to have not yet moved on  from his breakup. I don't know the full story but "motherly friend" (hereinafter T) and "popular daughter" (hereinafter K) told me that he was all out in his recent relationship and was disappointed because the girl's efforts were minute compared to his. He was emphasizing EFFORT. I do understand where he is coming from and I feel sorry for  him. Girls normally put in much effort, too much effort even, for the men they love. But then, I also acknowledge that bitches also exist. (Of course we only got to hear his side of the story... So okay, the skeptic in me is making a lot of questions... LOL) One evening, I joined them around the campfire. They were drinking and chatting. I just wanted to see how they drink. I like observing people when I am not engaging them. So I sat beside T and K and he invited me to sit closer to him. Of course, I didn't do that because he was already drunk. They offered me a drink and I put a former professor's wise words to practice. Since I don't drink I usually feel out of place. One way of still becoming one with the group is to accept the drink but to announce for everyone to hear that such is my first and last because I DO NOT DRINK. PERIOD. So no amount of coaxing will work. (I don't understand why people become alcoholic. Alcohol tastes bad.. EWWW!!!)

They asked me if I had any companion in the project (none), my reasons for joining (vacation break), and why I travel alone (to challenge myself, though actually the real challenge for me is travelling with incompatible companions). I think they were expecting me to say that I was looking for love in Sagada following the popularity of the movie "That Thing Called Tadhana". I forgot what our topic was but then when asked about something, I casually replied, "because boys are uncaring." And he couldn't accept it, demanding answers all night long until we had to put out the fire at 10PM. LOL. Funny experience! But the strange thing is, although he was drunk, I didn't feel scared of him. I normally distance myself from drunk people. Maybe because I sensed a loadful of loneliness and frustrations in him. Empath mode on again. Sigh. I will really drain myself out fast if this keeps going.

The only other person who doesn't drink is X (I forgot her name...). She graduated from a private all-girls' school known for social activism. Needless to say, she works in the development sector and plans to take up further studies abroad. She's a people person and it's not hard to see that she has a strong personality. Meeting her made me realize that most of those in the development sector come from well-off family and I came to formulate that there is a general pattern. No wonder those who are selected in foreign scholarship programs are mostly from rich families, because they have access to these experiences which are not readily available to the average person who is most likely to end up a corporate slave in a private firm (ehem). And it is a misconception that salaries in NGOs and social work are small. Heck no, they are even bigger compared to those in the corporate world. So it got me thinking, is this the modern day version of elite cooptation? Of course there are exceptions. I have a friend who was a product of the public school system and who had so much grit she was able to get one of the most coveted slots in Japanese scholarship program. 

I could have taken my time in getting to know everyone in the project. But then the group was big so my introvert self was screaming to be alone.