Insensitive X 等你下课

Last night I was reading some articles on Chinese media and in between, was listening to Jann Arden's "Insensitive" and 周杰伦's "等你下课". I have heard both songs many times, "Insensitive" maybe n the radio, and "Waiting for You" at the height of my obsession with Jay Chou's albums a few years after graduating from college. In Bicol, while having dinner in a bar restaurant, a band with sexy singers sang "Insensitive" and it never left my mind since. Now, I know many songs but I unfortunately do not know the titles, but it should happen that while eating a bowl of roast duck noodles on Wednesday night, this song was playing and I took note of the chorus' lyrics then searched for the song upon arriving at my flat. And voila, I put the song on loop in preparation for some karaoke night. Tonight actually, J invited me out to karaoke with his friends but the meetup was at 6:30PM and I only read his message at past 6PM so I said no. It could have been the perfect moment to sing this song. 

So remembering Jay Chou again, I searched for one of his earlier works which is 等你下课. And damn it, watching the animated video as well as the live version broke my heart to pieces. I ended up crying so hard late at night. I can very well imagine the pain of being unnoticed by someone you like, even after all the efforts you have exerted to win his/her attention, and even affection. I came to reflect on what happened in Sagada in 2017 when a doctor  who was part of the volunteer team found it incredible that I regarded boys as uncaring. He just came from a breakup which I knew nothing of, and the reason was that his ex did not put in much effort in the relationship, or so he complains. Oh well, as I would always say, we only hear his side of the story. He might be doing something that pisses the girl off and I should know because once a girl no longer cares, it only means that the guy messed up. Then again, that's just  in my opinion because I'm the kind of person who loves fully and if I like a person I would go to great lengths to do things for him/her (applicable to friends also!). 

And it got me thinking of the many things I have already done for J this early. Relationship experts always caution girls to feign indifference and let men chase after them I've broken all the rules before and it indeed ended in tragedy, with me feeling resentful for allowing myself to be used by an evil person who uses people instead of caring and cherishing them. In the end, after he finally broke off with me for real after graduating, I resolved never to go back. Months later, he had the guts to message me and ask if he could use my credit card to make a phone purchase. I was dumb-founded to find a real living person who is so full of himself and so entitled still to my resources even after all the things that he did to me. But shortly after, I laughed it off as something so pathetic. There is no chance that I will go back to the hell I survived. I even unfriended all his family members on Facebook but not without having the decency to tell his youngest sister that I needed to do it for my peace of mind. She asked if her brother and I had a fight. I have expected that he didn't say a word to them but I gracefully told her that whatever happened is between the two of us and I asked that both our privacy be respected (I felt like a showbiz personality saying that. LOL.) Anyway, it felt good that despite me wanting to bitch out on him, I chose the high road and I think that was the time I knew that I have finally achieved sweet nirvana when I thought that moving on was impossible. 

Sometimes I get paranoid and imagine what if all men are like that, what if J turns out to be like him? I am already starting to like him and have started to express my emotions slowly and so does he but he never says anything along the lines of "I like you". He  would instead comment that I always look beautiful in our photos, which he takes using his phone coz his camera is way better than mine. He is always the perfect gentleman and I hope it's not just because of upbringing but more so because he's having feelings for me, too. But then I stopped asking too many questions after he threw back the same question I asked on NYE. I liked him more when he came over and spent Chinese New Year at home because I invited him for dinner. I cooked chicken dumpling soup and asam pedas. My sister also cooked that night and her lohanchay was good, thank God! J brought peanut butter ice cream which we didn't get to eat until today because it was too soft. So anyway, he already met my mom and my two sisters. It was a good thing my father was out that night as he is a very difficult person.

08152019

While I am not one to travel for less than five days, I found myself saying yes to an unusual invitation from a former classmate.

We used to sit in the same class on my last semester in college. In that class, I was almost always late because I had to run from the gym (I had table tennis for PE) to my home college. My normal attire then was my UP PE shirt and the volleyball jersey shorts given to me by a highschool friend, and rubber shoes. Since I was usually the last one to enter the classroom, I had the special seat reserved for me, that seat which students would not dare take because it is the one nearest to the professor's table. Good thing I had no qualms about it and have never been intimidated even by terror professors. In fact, most of my classmates admired me for my ability to approach even the most feared of professors and to ask uncomfortable questions. So anyway, those times, that former classmate and I never spoke to each other. Just plain hi or hello. He was always seated between his two friends, one was friendly towards me, the other was a noisy guy in class. I remember being amused with those three because they seldom did homework and yet they endeared themselves to our professors by means of class participation and jokes.

This former classmate and I became Facebook friends but we never had any meaningful interactions save for a few likes of posts or photos, and at one time, he invited me to his house to celebrate his birthday but I wasn't able to attend. In fact, I had no plans of attending because I was afraid of being out of place since I am not like people my age who drink and party a lot. Also because back when we were classmates, I had a little crush on him and I stay away from my crushes because I saw crushes as threats to my peace.

So it came as a big surprise when a week after his birthday, he chatted me up on Facebook and asked if I was in Manila. Friends ask this same question whenever they want to meet and so they check first if I'm even in the metro. I don't know what spirit possessed me at that time or maybe it was out of reflex, I replied "yeah, wanna meet up?" And we agreed to have dinner near my workplace. I was able to keep myself calm upon seeing him. He used to be my crush and whenever I saw him in class I couldn't help but think that he must be a very nice person and a shy one at that. When I first saw him that time at the mall, I was surprised to find his size more than doubled. But he looked way more approachable now compared to the slimmer him. He used to resemble the Korean version of Domyouji (played by Lee Min Ho) and I happen to like guys with curly/ wavy hair, makes them look so hot and sexy. Later on, I thought to myself, maybe if he was still the same size when I first met him, I wouldn't have agreed to go out because he would seem like a threat to my peace, and that is the last thing I wanted after having just moved on successfully.

His pick: YAYOI. Awesome Japanese food. It's easy to see that I am a consumer of Japanese culture and cuisine.

It was a simple catch up. I was a bit nervous because I really knew nothing about him except that he travels way more often compared to me. So I had to make sure to stick to safe topics and he also made me feel at ease. He talked about his family and I was surprised at how he seems to be comfortable talking about his childhood trauma to me, a mere classmate who hasn't seen him in almost a decade. I could very well relate since my family is pretty toxic, also. But at least I had my yaya who was my source of comfort in this cold dark world. I told him about my potted plants and how I would love to own a piece of land just so I can have my own vegetable garden.

My sister and I had agreed to go home together and when she got tired of shopping, which is unusual BTW, she texted me asking when are we going to finish. So we had to part ways and I even forgot his name when I introduced him to my sister. (It was super embarrassing but nothing can compare to  what happened late last year when I went out with a guy whose family is friends with my brother's fiancée. We had lots to talk about because we both travel a lot and after getting dinner and some ice cream, we exchanged numbers only to find out we both forgot each other's names! How awkward and stupid was that! I still laugh when ever I tell that story to my friends.) So J mumbled his complete name which is rather long and I find it cute and I really didn't comprehend half of it but I suddenly remembered his nickname! My sister asked me again his full name when we were headed to the van terminal and I just said, I forgot. Shucks.

So anyway, I didn't want to give it much thought except I am happy that someone from my past without much connection to me reached out and went out with me. It felt like my reconnection project after finishing my post-graduate diploma studies. Weeks after, I invited him to watch movies at a film festival but he declined due to an emergency. We lost contact for a while and out of nowhere he messaged me and asked me to travel with him just because he found me one very cool person. (Spending New Year's Eve with him up until daybreak of 2020, I remembered to ask him what he meant by "cool" then and he said that I was fun to be with. The same comment I get from my male friends who just want to hang out but never did try to pursue me romantically.) So in October of 2019, we went to Albay together with my roommate in Penang, a girl whom I eventually regretted bringing with us because she was overly dependent on us and cared only about herself. We stayed in his house the night before our early morning flight and he cooked fish curry for us. He used pampano and it was really good, except I would have preferred a spicy version. That was the first time I saw how cool J was. And he became an even cooler person in my eyes because he never complained even when we stayed in a non-AC room, even when in Rapu-Rapu Island we never did any of the touristy stuff and had simple meals in the local carinderia. We swam in what the locals call "Look" which is a bay facing the open sea. It was pretty safe, not much waves. I saw how strong he is when we hiked to the waterfalls and back. I wanted to hug him if only because he reminds me of my favorite panda Po, as he tried to keep up with us. In order to make the hike a bit entertaining and less tiresome, I played sweeper so I could keep an eye on him in case something happens and sang animé songs like my favorite Fields of Hope. The objective was to lighten up the atmosphere because I was thinking maybe he didn't like all the strenuous activity. I was surprised he knew the song! And I think I began to like him when we did some karaoke with the locals and it turned out that he is karaoke king! WOW! I once told myself, I wanted to be with someone musically inclined and who knows how to cook. Maybe he is sent by the heavens to me.

I finally got to see the majestic almost perfect cone of Mt. Mayon, pride of Bicol.

Never mind that he didn't greet me on my birthday. Never mind that he still hasn't handed to me the dried fish he bought in Seoul in September as of this writing. But when I was asking around who'd love to go with me to a concert where Ben&Ben would be performing, he was the only one who said yes. We had early dinner at High Grounds in Timog area. He said he used to play computer games there. The café has really cool fusion food. He planned to treat me but I was almost 30 minutes late so I volunteered to pay the bill. I´m so happy to find someone who´s super passionate about music and who can understand me whenever I talk about why I love this kind of music and why not that kind of music. We shared a cup of DQ ice cream during the concert and after that, went for some milk tea, my first time to taste Macao Imperial. Then we headed to a cool karaoke place where the mic seems to beautify everything. We did 2 hours and he dropped me off at our village gate at 3AM, the latest I went home to since we moved to the north. Before arriving home, I managed to ask him if he has plans of settling down and he said, if given the chance, why not.

The sunset as viewed from our simple room in Rapu-Rapu Island

The next few days saw us becoming closer in chats. I was starting to feel at ease with this guy who´s just so talented and so kind I cried a couple of times whenever I remember stories of his exes. Of course everything was from his POV but then imagining the abuses he´s had suffered from different people, my heart hurt for him and I cried. Why do people hurt good people and love bad people? Everytime we're together and remember all the pain he's been through, I wanted to hug him and protect his happiness, seeing that he is a very nice person although he has numerous flaws of his own. I was thinking what if years back I had been bold enough to be friendly with him, what if I attended his birthday party in 2013, what if I confessed to him back then? On second thought, looking back, me during my undergraduate years is an angry girl and I might not be able to give him the love and care he deserved.

Bicol's famous chili ice cream at 1st Colonial (NAIA T3): I had the spiciest one. He had the less spicy version. 

I invited him to jog around UP but we ended up walking and going on a mini food trip. That was fine. I actually foresaw that already. We talked more about relationships, his past mistakes which he regrets so much. I asked how his brother is doing after a sudden breakup with his fiancée. Out of the blue, he said that marriage is just something society expects from us and all the postmodern stuff. It made me sad, because it seemed like suddenly he changed his mind about marriage. While right now I am still ambivalent about marriage, I am pretty sure I'd want to have children of my own, although at times I fear that bringing them into this world might be a bad idea because of the chaos and the prevalence of heartless, robotic humans. At this point I was surprised to learn that he wrote a children's book. We talked about poetry and songs and how he likes Sylvia Plath and postmodern stuff and I said I like Romantic ones like Wordsworth, Blake, Becquer and that I care about the form and structure of the poem as much as I care about the message.

We didn't see each for days and on the 31st, I picked up the courage to ask him if he's free to hang out. At that time, I have noticed that I was always the one who's taking the initiative to ask him out and to plan activities together and I was kind of thinking that maybe he is just being polite when he tells me he enjoys being with me. He never asked me out except for the trip that we planned together. So I was thinking maybe this time he will decline because NYE is kind of special and if he declines, that will be the last time I will be proactive. He was more than happy to see me but he asked to meet up after their family dinner, which is understandable. As for me, I panicked when I later on realized that establishments close very early. I asked him if he wanted to postpone to a later date instead because we didn't have anywhere to hang out in and he asked his friends around and one couple agreed to take us in. So he picked me up and together we spent NYE and first hours of 2020 together. It made me feel special but I do not want to assume anything since he never said he liked me. Everything just happened so fast and I just want to relax and see how it goes.

Gernika

Art enthusiasts know Pablo Picasso's masterpiece, the Guernica, which speaks against the bombing of Gernika town by the Nazis as ordered by Franco. I saw the original painting in the Museo Nacional Centro de Arte Reina Sofia in Madrid and, like all other visitors in that gallery, stood in  pensive reflection of how wars bring damage and destruction to civilians. So when I was in Bilbao for my last backpacking trip, I made sure to drop by Gernika town on a Sunday, just in time when some museums grant free entry.

Upon arrival, one can see many stands with information about the sites. In this particular site, I held back tears after reading the story of a girl who was crying because she was so scared to go back to her house and save her two brothers, with one being just a baby.

Surprised to find people queueing outside of this building which turned out to be the town's public library. ON A SUNDAY!

The ceiling of the Assembly House shows a stained glass painting of the oak tree It was made by hand by Vidrieras de Arte S.A. and was completed in 1985. It should be known that the Assembly House and the Tree of Gernika are the living symbols of the Basque People. As a seat of the historical parliament of Bizkaia, this building and the tree became a meeting point of all the territories of Euskal Herria (a.k.a. Basque Country), bringing together cultural and ethnographic traditions.

This is the remains of the old oak tree which was planted in 1700 and which is now protected by structure. A younger oak tree, planted in 1860, can be found not far from this old one. That tree witnessed the 1937 bombing.

A replica of Picasso's famous painting is installed outdoors for public viewing. Across it, one finds a bench on which one can sit to contemplate about peace and conflict resolution.

Gernika is a small town where tourists can do daytrips. Aside from few museums and a church, there is also a park with two big sculptural works installed on the grounds. I visited two museums here, one is free on Sundays and the other you have to pay (Museo Euskal Herria). I like the free one better because of the simulations of the bombing of Gernika in one of the rooms. In the upper floors, one cannot help but think about how shallow people have become for waging war against fellow humans over the pettiest of things. The museum also invites visitors to think about peace and how we can confront those who disrupt peace because of differences. My mind instantly connected the learnings to how to keep healthy relationships. Peacemaking is not just between nations and states. It should also go down to the most basic level, how we deal with the people around us. I thought about how people should learn to respect differences (something I have always believed in since highschool) and to meet halfway when resolving issues. Needless to say, I left with a heavy heart. So from hereon to San Sebastian to Barcelona, while I did try my best to enjoy my adventures, I felt like a huge part of me is missing. I felt hollow inside.

And in Barcelona I thought it might be because I was finally coming to terms with the things that happened to me the past three years. 

畫皮 (I and II)

It was late in December last year when I watched 畫皮 the first movie. I remember being in my rented room near the office then and being depressed. When I watched the movie, I was deeply touched and tears fell in buckets because of many things I remember. While I cry for the betrayed women, I was equally disgusted by men giving in to temptations and by women who snatch men away from their wives/ girlfriends. 

畫皮 I and II pretty much has the same story but told in a different way. In the first movie, the fox spirit (小唯) is a really selfish and malevolent being who seduces a general. This general (王生) saves her from a band of barbarians and happens to already have a wife (佩蓉) who treats the fox spirit (they of course didn't know her true being) as a sister and yet the latter still betrays her all because she wants to get the husband's heart so she can be fully human. Now, she cannot just rip out his heart and eat it. The heart must be surrendered to her willingly.

What is supposed to be a simple story becomes complex when more characters turn up. For instance, there is 小唯's sidekick 小易 who will do anything for his lady love. Then there's 龐勇 who loves 佩 蓉 but eventually loses her to 王生. Despite this, his unconditional love for her will save her. Also, despite the seductions and temptations, 王生 is strong enough to remain loyal to her wife although he listen to her when she tells him that 小唯 is a demon, dismissing her fits as just jealousy. When he told 小唯, "我愛妳，可我已經有了佩蓉了。" I was speechless. Well, Chinese drama and movies often have characters who are neither purely good and purely evil. One even pities 小唯 in the end because it's not her fault she is born a demon and wants to be human. But then, one's aspirations and ambitions must not be such that they cause harm to other people. 小唯 has to eat human hearts to keep her beauty and youth.

畫皮 II is a bit tricky. Based on 小唯 telling 靖公主 about her past, 500 years has passed since the events of 畫皮 I. 小唯 is rescued from her frozen imprisonment by a a bird demon named 雀兒. She tries again to find a human who is willing to give her his heart so she can live as a human and experience the many different things only humans can get from life.

So 小唯 plots a scene wherein she is seen to be chased after by bandits. A knight with golden mask rescues her and it turns out that her rescuer is actually a woman, 靖公主! The princess took her to her fortress which is guarded by her beloved general named 霍心. These two were childhood friends and have fallen in love with each other. While 靖公主 tells 霍心 many times of her feelings, she always gets rejected because 霍心 thinks too much of their different status. 小唯 manipulates the princess to get what she wants, or rather what they both want. She exploits 靖's insecurities for having a scarred face which she got from a bear when she was outdoors on a winter day with 霍心.

I love strong independent women fighters like 靖公主. But then, deep inside sometimes strong independent women are insecure because they are not seen as feminine enough. HMPH! I can very well relate.

小唯 tells 靖公主 a harsh truth ”天下的男人眼睛里只有皮相“

 

The witch doctor and the wolf tribe who seem to speak some sort of Indian language because the doctor addresses the queen as "padme". But padme actually means "lotus" in Sanskrit... the symbol of enlightenment.

小唯 in 靖公主's body (background) because eventually the latter saw she can gain freedom to be with 霍心 using 小唯's form. But before she consumes her first human heart to transition to a demon forever, 霍心 intervenes and blames himself for being so stupid. That part when he confesses his feelings and admits his weakness for 小唯's beauty got me into tears. That part where he slashes his eyes so he can go blind and be freed from enchantment really got me sniffing. (I realize I only consume tissue when I watch movies like these. Ugh!!!) So in the end, I still like 霍心 for staying true to his lady love. And him making love to his sweetheart who's in a different body makes me uncomfortable but at least he does it because he somehow feels that it is his sweetheart he is making love to.  

**************************************

Watching the first movie made me ask, "真正愛妳的人會怎樣愛妳， 怎樣對待妳? 真正愛妳的人會為妳做什麼? " How does a real lover love and treat his/her partner? What can a real lover do for you? It's a difficult question that is explored in the first movie. 龐勇 can easily become a bitter person and leave the two on their own to solve their problems, but time and again he surfaces to remind 王生 that he is a threat to the couple, that he is there in case 王生 decides to betray 佩蓉. 王生  on the other hand, can be seen as a fool for choosing to side with a woman other than his wife and not to believe her. Yet in the end he redeems himself by stabbing 小唯 multiple times before killing his wife and himself.

On another note, I remember a male friend telling me that even though he has a girlfriend, he will still look at other girls. He says that it's when you act on your "desire" that it becomes wrong, but that it is not wrong to admire other girls. I wonder if there ever is a guy who tells that to his girlfriend and is not served a breakup notice.

Another takeaway: Maybe I ought to glam up and be more girly. It really is true that men do not care about good women if they don't make themselves beautiful. Such a shallow world we live in. But oh well, might as well enjoy life and enjoy getting attention from cute boys. LOL. Except it's a catch-22 coz I don't trust people who only sees the physical. Let's dig down deep, shall we???

One More Time, One More Chance

これ以上何を失えば
心は許されるの
どれ程の痛みならば
もういちど君に会える
One more time
季節よ うつろわないで
One more time
ふざけあった 時間よ
くいちがう時はいつも
僕が先に折れたね
わがままな性格が
なおさら愛しくさせた
One more chance
記憶に足を取られて
One more chance
次の場所を選べない
いつでも捜しているよ
どっかに君の姿を
向いのホーム 路地裏の窓
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
願いがもしも叶うなら
今すぐ君のもとへ
できないことは もう何もない
すべてかけて抱きしめてみせるよ

寂しさ紛らすだけなら
誰でもいいはずなのに
星が落ちそうな夜だから
自分をいつわれない
One more time
季節よ うつろわないで
One more time
ふざけあった 時間よ
いつでも捜しているよ
どっかに君の姿を
交差点でも 夢の中でも
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
奇跡がもしも起こるなら
今すぐ君に見せたい
新しい朝 これからの僕
言えなかった「好き」という言葉も

夏の思い出がまわる
ふいに消えた鼓動
いつでも捜しているよ
どっかに君の姿を
明け方の街 桜木町で
こんなとこに来るはずもないのに
願いがもしも叶うなら
今すぐ君のもとへ
できないことは もう何もない
すべてかけて抱きしめてみせるよ
いつでも捜しているよ
どっかに君の破片を
旅先の店 新聞の隅
こんなとこにあるはずもないのに
奇跡がもしも起こるなら
今すぐ君に見せたい
新しい朝 これからの僕
言えなかった「好き」という言葉も
いつでも捜してしまう
どっかに君の笑顔を
急行待ちの 踏切あたり
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
命が繰り返すならば
何度も君のもとへ
欲しいものなど もう何もない
君のほかに大切なものなど

***********************************************************************

When two people who used to be close, who used to share many things, suddenly drift apart, it's a painful thing to see. This song is played at the end of the animé movie "5 cm per Second", a subtle story about regrets for not keeping in touch with the person you love, to the point that it haunts you to the end. In the movie, it is the boy who does not seem to have moved on even after years of non-communication with his childhood sweetheart.

SPOILER:

The ending shows the two, now grown up, meeting across the train railways only to be interrupted by a passing train which, after it has gone away, reveals that only the boy stayed to look on. It should be noted that the girl had already married another man, shown by a ring on her finger. 

So maybe sometimes no matter how much two people love each other, it ends in disaster when one person is always afraid, when one person is always pushing the other away, when one person is always betrayed, hurt, and unappreciated. Or maybe it has always been a one-sided love. Maybe sometimes we are just too unlucky to meet people with evil intentions who will never care for other people's feelings. Maybe this is a punishment to make one realize the pain of being taken for granted after doing such to others. Maybe this is karma coming full circle. Because at one point there was one person who put me first and who loved me unconditionally and who showed me how to properly love someone but I wasn't so protective about it until she was taken away from me. And when my time came to give the same love and care, I only ended up hurt and pushed away. Too many maybe's. The only certain thing is that the pain is real and it looks like it's here to stay for long. :(

Note and reminder to self: Always choose a person who is strong and courageous enough to handle himself, not some quack who does not even have a mind of his own. No matter what happens, let the past stay in the past. Never be with someone who will always choose others over you. Never be with someone whose comfort zone is made up of lies and deceit and manipulations.

Taxi Driver (1976)

And I don't know why I unknowingly have a lot of dark movies in my HD. The movies I ended up watching so far are disturbing as they portray the dark side of America with its evils: gangs, drugs, prostitution, and worse, psycho people. Well maybe that's what America was like many many years back. I just don't understand why so many people want to live and work there when American society is so dysfunctional that a year doesn't end without someone going berserk and start shooting people around. And these people are mostly disturbed ones who just couldn't take more of society's trashy ways.

Travis Bickle used to be a marine who was honorably discharged although the film does not take pains to elaborate on his backstory. We only know him now as a taxi driver who is making rounds at night because of insomnia. While working, he has got enough of the things that he see, what he calls filth and scum, and wishes for a rain that will clean the city's streets.

He tries to date a woman named Betsy who works as an aide to presidential candidate Palantine. When he took her out for the second time, bringing her to a porn theater, she left him. Witnessing a pimp later on who forced a young prostitute out of his taxi cab, he began to train himself and buy guns. He then befriended the young girl who turned out to be just 12 years old, named Iris. He pretended to be a client to get to know her and took her out, trying to convince her to quit prostitution.

The conversation between Iris and Travis:

Iris: Why do you want me to go back to my parents? I mean, they hate me. Why do you think I split in the first place? There ain't nothing there.

Travis: But you can't live like this. It's a hell. A girl should live at home.

Iris: Didn't you ever hear of a women's lib?

Travis: What do you mean "women's lib"? You're a young girl. You should be at home now. You should be dressed up, you should be going out with boys. You should be going to school, you know, that kind of stuff.

Iris: Oh, God! Are you square.

Travis: Hey, Im not square.You're the one who's square. You're full of shit, man. What do you mean? You walk out with fucking creeps and lowlifes and degenerates, and you sell your little pussy for nothing, man? For some low-life pimp who stands in a hall? I'm square? You're the one that's square, man! I don't go screw and fuck with killers and junkies the way you do. You call that being hip? What world are you from?

(...)

Iris: So what makes you so high and mighty? Will you tell me that?

Travis (shifts topic)

Later on, he attacked the pimp, the brothel owner, and a client to save Iris. He got injured big time but eventually recovered. In the end, we see Travis driving home Betsy to her house for free and as he adjusts the rearview mirror, something he sees seems to disturb him but he drives forward into the night again, in the sinful streets of the city covered with neon lights.

*********************************************************

As we see in the movie, lowly people （小人）do not like people with noble principles. The scene wherein Travis and Iris conversed for the second time reminded me of the many times A called me self-righteous because I often told him how I dislike a large number of people for being shallow and superficial and pretentious. I just don't get along well with those kinds of people.

Six Months Abroad Drawing to a Close

So this will be my last month in a foreign country, my first time outside of my home country for six months. In fact while packing my things late last year when we moved to a new house, I encountered my old employee interviews and assessments and at that time, seeing what I had written made me feel that itch to be abroad again. I wrote in one assessment that I would like to live away from home. I did so last year starting May until December when I rented out a room in a house near my workplace. Then starting January of this year to end of June, I will have completed another six months of  living away from home.

It always amazes me how sometimes you pen out your dreams and then forget them afterwards then life makes things fall into place and then suddenly you begin realizing that, shucks, this was what I wanted before! And then you remember how you felt so resolute back then, how determined, but then life happens, diluting the dreams but I guess the heart never forgets. It's as if the heart has made a pact with the universe to get to where it wants to be no matter how long it takes. I guess I must be a very patient person after all. 

The people I met here almost always remark about my excessive curiosity which they find both too much and at the same time, cute. They always think I'm a young girl (well, I am young but definitely not a fresh graduate). I get many nicknames here because of that. I am called "carita de bebe" and most of the time, "guapa". Staying for three nights in an AirBNB owned by a Chinese, I got a review from her calling me "非常可爱美女". I was speechless for some time. But then I would opt to treat these as compliments. I am blessed to have youthful looks, unlike most people who look way older than they actually are. But then again, people almost always underestimate my capability to travel because of this. Not that it prevents me from exploring, I just find it sad when they do that.

Six months on almost retirement, six months of much-needed break.... everything has been a worthwhile experience for me. I got to backpack around without rush (although I am always worried about my funds). Six months of being away from my country to test myself and to put myself in a position where I can be far from him. Because this girl needs to move on fast, and there's no better way than to live in a foreign land where you will be more focused on yourself and where you yourself becomes top priority because who else is going to watch out for you?

It only takes six months to test my hypothesis that I can live on my own at this age. Probably not when I am old and sickly, but before I reach that stage in my life, I would love to see many things and to build my own self--- get to know more people, get to explore more cultures and places, get to listen to this world's zeitgeist, or maybe to the small local zeitgeists. This is living life to the fullest. Many will see this as reckless. Many will see this as irresponsible and a waste of time and money. For me it is the best thing yet.

I'm finally moving on.

Smells Like Old Spirit

Going on a long vacation on a small budget and bringing along my external hard disk with me, I woke up one morning thinking why the hell I accumulated all these movies yet I didn't have the time to watch them. The same goes with my books which, to my family's great dismay, ended up in almost 20 big boxes. We only knew how many I had when we moved house last year. Heh! (Reminds me of Maestra, Switters' grandma in Tom Robbins' "Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates", a literary companion I planned to leave in this country I am in now, except I find it so hilarious and such a literary gem that I am having second thoughts... On the other hand, this is a practice on detachment. Let's see what will happen around July.) 

I guess I was too busy at work and school, too busy doing things for others, for my family, for friends, and for that special someone. Then again when push comes to shove, I have proven that only family will be there for you. So starting 2017 I have been more family-centered and have gone out less with friends, putting my family at the topmost priority, even before work. (In case you are wondering, work is not even in my top 5. Yes, it is important, but I realized after graduation that work only pays the bills but does not nurture the soul much. I had fun in all my jobs, but I know I am in the wrong place. But I stayed on working for private companies while being compensated not so handsomely because you know how capitalists work. I mean, they don't work, they let other people do the work for them for a measly sum, and that's how we perpetuate this stupid system that widens the gap between the rich and the poor.

After I graduated from college, all I wanted was to be of service to my country. I know that a person of my skill is much needed. In all the job interviews I've been to, the interviewers look at me with much awe and almost always exclaims, "You are such a rare breed!". Breed. As if I am some kind of an animal domesticated, engineered by humans to serve their purpose, not mine. But being someone who sees the good in everything I take it as a compliment. When you meet a person who speaks many languages fluently, and some languages that enables her to survive in different countries, I guess you will also be amazed. But I realized, I don't want to be seen as just that because I am more than that. I am also human, flesh and blood. I get hurt, I cry easily, I laugh easily, I have my idiosyncrasies that, if you are a capitalist or a friendly user, you don't need to know me in that level, you will only know me and befriend me for the fact that you know I can be of use to you someday. Pretty much how 95% of the people are in the office until I couldn't take it anymore and finally called it quits. Same with the "friends", those people whom I spent time with and whom I loved truly for who they are but who ended up just, you know, people who are engrossed in this materialistic world they don't care about other people.

But anyway, back to how I would have loved to serve my country... I got opportunities but they were small opportunities and I felt like an instrument. Like, whenever I remember how a professor hired me to do archival research and translations for her but ended up getting paid only PHP 5,000.00 per month, I cannot see how she sleeps soundly at night when she tells her stories to others about how, as a PhD student in Cambridge, she was grateful to have been hired as a library assistant which gave her extra money. (To benchmark, PHP 5,000 is monthly salary of graduate assistants who do clerical work. What I was doing was research and yet she paid me the same amount she pays to someone who just arranges her class readings and staples them. She could have added extra, just because my work was totally different and requires special skills. And yet there she was, knowing fully well my capabilities and work ethics and taking advantage of me who was a penniless archaeology student doing freelance jobs and paying my own tuition so I often worried about going on LOA every semester because I might not have enough money to pay. Talk about hypocrisy. That was my first brush with hypocritical "intellectuals", but I do know that there are true intellectuals out there, those who embody not just honor and excellence, but also service and compassion. My parents did offer to pay although they couldn't understand what got me in such adiscipline that demands money, time, and effort with no monetary returns. I couldn't tell them "THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS ABOUT." (But I guess what I understood from their kind gesture even though I stopped getting money from them after I finished my undergraduate course while working part-time for our family business for no salary, just allowances which was just enough for me to photocopy some readings and I had to walk instead of taking the jeepney to be able to save up for books... is that, you know, family will always be there for you, even if they may not, or if you think they may not, understand you fully well.)

But I guess before going on this long vacation, what really made me sure of my conviction that family will always be there for you is that, my mother arranged for my transport needs to haul away all my things from my dorm and office to our house. I already negotiated with two friends on that, one for backup just in case the other will have unexpected things to attend to. I didn't think of asking anyone from the family because I know they are always busy and I also know (or think) that I am low on their priority list as evidenced by many times I have been let down in the past, thus I was almost always a no-show in my friends important events. (Looking back though, I was able to attend two debut parties of my friends, and my first year-end party in my last company because my brother agreed to pick me up. Looking back, I was able to watch Phantom of the Opera because my dad agreed to be my date as he was concerned for my safety going home late. So maybe, even though I bore grudges against my family especially my parents for not allowing me to really get into the things I wanted, I guess they grounded me in reality in the fact that they made me realize that life is not just about art or literature or music, that it is also about WORKING, being independent, earning your own money so you can get the things that you want and need without depending on anyone, or better yet, in my words, WITHOUT USING ANYONE. (But the idea of working in the humanities is beyond them coz many artists and writers died broke and I know they are just afraid for me if I become engrossed in the pursuit of excellence in those fields.) Early on, as a grade 2 student, my mother taught me how to check receipts of payables. That made me do well in math later on until of course, being a lover of abstract ideas, I really fell in love with math eventually when I discovered its beauty... and chaos theory. LOL. So I ended up taking trigonometry (Math 17, said to be the deciding factor for engineering students because many who got in the program fail in this subject before the 50 series) right after I finish my undergraduate course and so I didn't attend the college graduation rites because I was in class and I didn't want to be absent in class. It was the first time I paid for my own tuition fee and so I felt more responsible and more serious, compared to my undergraduate days wherein I always end up sleeping in class, or being late (I had a bad reputation back then and was notorious for my tardiness thus earning the ire of many teachers).

And this blog entry feels like a small trip down memory lane. I guess this vacation is doing me good. I feel like an old person on her retirement. It's been a little more than a month living in a country so far from home. I had no one to depend on so I cook my own food, wash my own clothes, and just look after my health with extra care because I certainly cannot afford to get sick in a foreign land. So I adopted fully my being Chinese here, adopted the thousand years old tradition of preparing healthy and delicious food, by experimenting on many different things. My diet consists of veggies and fruits and little meat and carbohydrates while this winter cold persists. Of course I miss fried chicken and much as I hate the US, I do confess that I miss KFC, especially hot shots which have been my comfort food when I was staying in the dorm. (And I do miss the fried chicken in the stalls in the friendly neighborhood, the ones which come with sweetly spiced vinegar... And of course, who doesn't miss adobo?)

Oh yeah and before I forget, after one month of living here, I discovered many things about myself, that indeed I am a Cooking Master Girl! LOL. Having tasted many different food in my travels allowed me to get a very nice understanding of how different treatment of veggies and meats and fruits. One only needs to know their essential characteristics and unleash all creativity in the kitchen to bring out their best flavors. I did. And this is called living in the moment for me, being resourceful, being conscious. It's like when you date a person, you want to know about him, what makes him tick, what makes hims sad, what brings out different emotions in him, so you can support him better and bring out the best in him. But at least with food you are rewarded with good health, elated tastebuds, and happy tummy. With dating, you need to invest in the right person otherwise, you end up being drained because you give the good in you away getting nothing in return.

So there my rants and my reflections on life in general. This vacation is meant to heal me from all the negativities I let in without a thought all these years. It was a difficult process, sometimes I doubt myself if I will return to my country with a whole and happy heart again, sometimes I feel afraid of losing myself but I am taking it slow. Instead of hopping from one place to the other, I chose to stay in one place, savor the moments, enjoy the moment, no haste, no deadlines, just plain relaxation while I spend my hours walking, watching movies, reading "Fierce Invalids" (which I am reading at a very slow pace because I don't want to part with it yet), and several ebooks in between. And my offline Youtube videos don't work here which sucks so I watch very few videos. Ugh!

Tarak Ridge 01222017

My first hike this year happened in January, just when classes were starting. So before I get busy, I joined a group to hike in Tarak Ridge, the famed place where many get lost and where some ha to rescued because their supplies ran out while they tried to find their way back to the jump off point.

Never would I imagine that I would suffer almost the same fate were it not for my "detective" skills and rational thinking. At the onset, I was left behind by the group that I joined. So I hitched a ride with another group who were also headed to Tarak Ridge. I could have ditched the first group but then I worry about the organizer worrying about me although I was a fool to think that because he didn't even bother to count his members when they left the barangay hall. Stupid me is now left wondering what if I joined the group that took me to the jump-off point. They were a group of friends who like the outdoors... that means a solid group with common interests compared to a bunch of strangers clumped together by an organizer who couldn't even take care of his members.

But anyway, even without a friend, I was able to survive. I was with a group of newbies. I could tell by the things that they have, the "in" things of a "true mountaineer" except they are years away from becoming real mountaineers because 1. they are noisy in the mountains, 2. they do not care about the LNT principles, 3. they have no care about their fellow hikers, 4. they only hike for the selfies. Nothing wrong with number 4, but I observe that those I look up to do not take selfies. Instead, they take photos of the view. I, on the other hand, take photos of plants and whatever insects I encounter.

On the way to the top, I was first among the group, probably because the rest were already tired. On the way down, I took a wrong turn so I ended up in the middle. But then those in front of me were already far away. Those behind me were still not yet finished with selfies. So I found myself alone most of the time. And I almost got lost. Four freaking times. But good thing I was able to meet some hikers (not from our group) along the way so I at least wasn't so scared. But then nearing the river, a couple of times I almost took the wrong way. But good thinking saved me. Indicators of unused trails were clues. For instance, I noticed thick spider webs. Another is the sudden loss of footprints (thank God it rained a bit). Another is forced clearing of a path although the path is still not that obvious unless you look hard. When I finally was able to rejoin the group, one commented that "wow, you're really used to hiking alone, don't you feel scared?", he sounded like he couldn't believe that a nerd-looking gal like me could survive on my own. I told him with a smile, "of course I am afraid, this is Tarak Ridge after all. But then, you have here a strong, brave, independent, and smart woman."

And we got home very late, way behind the schedule because they all had to take a bath. I just wiped off dirt on my faces and arms with baby wipes since I prefer to take a long hot bath at home. So while they were bathing, I slept in the van.

*************************************************************************

But then people will not like you when you're too smart and too courageous for a typical woman. Well, if they think I was already too masculine, wait until they get to meet the women I look up to! Anyway, what that boy told me made me reflect on how people are swallowed by the dictates of society when it comes to masculinity and femininity, as if certain traits should only be for males! Why can't boys love a woman who is brave and smart? One theory says that the male ego is insecure when faced with a strong woman. (And it doesn't help that I have become rather wary of boys.) I want to see the day I meet a real man.

Eating Alone is Never Lonely

Lately I have gone back to my old ways of spending time napping in the sleeping room in the workplace and then using the remaining 15 minutes for a quick lunch. I sleep early these days, 2 hours earlier than before when I used to go home from work. My rented place is just ten minutes from the office and so I am happily now able to eat dinner at an earlier time and to read my books.

And because people at the office prefer to eat first than nap, I usually have lunch alone. Yesterday was no different. A colleague saw me as I was in the middle of lunch and said, “It’s not fun to eat alone.” And inside my mind, I was like, huh??? In what way is eating alone not fun? I thought to myself, poor girl probably hasn’t traveled alone yet.

In many societies, eating is a communal activity. To some people including me, eating is a form of meditation, my me-time. This is not to say that I do not enjoy some company when eating, but what I am saying is that having company or not, I eat well and I take advantage of the situation regardless of what it is. Meaning, if I eat with people, I take the opportunity to get to know them better (and sometimes to try out their food. LOL) If I eat alone, I take the opportunity to know myself better, because it provides me with time for myself. Normally my work hours are consumed by meeting different kinds of people which makes me prone to energy depletion (although people find it incredible when I say I am an introvert because I get along well with anyone)

So anyway, back to eating alone. I remember an ex-officemate who is vocal about not wanting to eat alone. For her it just is plain lonely and uncomfortable and she doesn’t get to enjoy her food. I find it curious, then as now, because maybe I do not have any issue on eating either with company or not. For me, eating is eating. It’s your interaction with food that should weigh more because you only get to eat, what, three to four times a day. (Although I am also guilty of small snacks thanks to chocolates and chips office people give to me especially when they know I am meeting deadlines. And I am not ashamed to say that I feel loved when people give me food. What more, when people cook for me.)

Perhaps it has something to do with me doing solo travels. One of the things I always look forward to when traveling is having full liberty to stop somewhere when I find interesting eats. Another is dining at recommended restaurants (mostly seafood restaurants) where I get to observe how people eat what. That, eating and savoring the food without thinking of the time, is I think, a form of meditation that everyone should experience once in a while. It makes you think how food is produced, prepared, and served to you. It makes you feel more grateful for the abundance of the earth. At the same time, it makes you think about mans greed and lack of concern for the environment, how we foolishly opt to have cemented jungles instead of thriving, cultivable land that can address food shortage. Eating alone seems like a lonely activity, but you don’t really feel that lonely when you think about how everything is interconnected and interdependent.

2017 Holy Week Musings

Today is Easter. While I normally do not like special days because they are heavily exploited by capitalists, sometimes, special days are needed to remind us of the things that are important to us. It just depends on us if we want to be swallowed by the system or if we are confident enough of our own authenticity to let systems dictate our lives.

Earlier this week, prior to the Holy Week, I went out with two friends on separate occasions. On Tuesday, learning too late that classes were suspended, a friend and I decided to explore Maginhawa for some cheap eats. We both have relationship issues and I know he needed some cheering up. He also cautions me about potential pitfalls in my current relationship and keeps on reminding me to address the issues as early as possible to save unnecessary heartbreak. 

I appreciate the concern. It's not as if we were not talking about those issues. We did, sporadically, in bits and bites, not in a long conversation. It is uncomfortable, awkward... I also want to really know his thoughts but oftentimes I feel myself being blocked and pushed away. The resistance is too great. A question for a question. No definite answers. I learned to mimic him, but perhaps he doesn't even know it. I can be the most transparent person, but if I find myself not getting the honesty and integrity I can offer, I clam up.

Before we parted ways, I felt sad for him. He seemed like a nice guy. But even nice guys have flaws. In around four hours that we talked, I interrogated him, made him see where the gaps were, as if I were Doctor Love. I couldn't even bring the man I love to talk about serious stuffs. Pressure, he would always raise as an excuse. I may have been brutal. He was hurting still, but I still asked questions that I know could trigger memories. That is how you help a friend, you help him or her face uncomfortable situations head on. I don't know if it will work for him, I hope it does. Talking about problems sometimes help lift the gravity of the situation.

The following day, no class again. A friend whom I asked to fetch my jacket for me in Miag-ao is back. I left my jacket, a gift from Island Boy back in 2015, which he gave me on the day we last saw each other. I tried to like him then, if only because he was nice to me, but he really isn't my type. To this day he still sends PM on Facebook which I largely ignore. It's been two years, I have told him to stop, but he is still there, so I just ignore his messages. I never create false hopes for anyone.

So anyway, R at first was reluctant to get my jacket back for me. For weeks we seemed to have grown cold because R was not willing to do me a favor. I was a but hurt because he would be in Miag-ao anyway so why not get my jacket? Maybe there are other reasons but if there were, he could have explained so I would understand. Then again, in the end, he did get my jacket for me. We had to meet up so I could get it back. Yet again, he asked me about A. I said I am trying my best not to think about him much, that I should focus on my own well-being. I am having chest pains again, and if this keeps on, I might die within a year, or less. Stupid girl falling so hard in love with someone who turned out to not able to reciprocate, someone who couldn't be considerate of my feelings when I have always been too gentle and patient with him because I know how broken he is. Yet in the process, I didn't know how I have also been dragged down emotionally. A meeting with a former classmate noticed that my aura has changed, telling me she felt sad to see that the brightness in my eyes that she loved so much, was replaced by sadness. That was two months ago. Her words never left my mind.

I tried to regain my peace of mind. I wanted to show her that maybe that was temporary. I wanted to fight for A, for us. But slowly I found myself looking at the present situation, as if replaying the events of last year. Uncertainties. Mind games. Manipulations. What is it that makes it so hard to leave him???  Maybe we both are just waiting for the other to make the move. I wonder if he truly is happy with me, as he says he is. If so, why does it feel like I an only contributing to his list of problems. He would never acknowledge the things that I do, until recently when I talked to him about it. He would always dismiss moments of intimacy that I tried to create as drama, until recently when I raised the issue. For a time that made me secure in our relationship. He was changing bit by bit. I always appreciate that he knows when I am upset, even since last year. He knowd how to make me laugh, because a silly girl like me is easy to please.

But there are things from last year that remain in my head. Him saying, "I want to make my parents happy" says a lot about how his parents will always come first, even perhaps in matters of marriage and relationships. So imagine how hurt I was when I found out his dad is still currently pursuing the girl they want him to marry, even after meeting me. For me that speaks volumes. They simply do not like me. Because I am not one of them, because I do not share the same religion. And they say the Chinese are too exclusive. So that confirms that this relationship is indeed goung nowhere, although he says he still wants to have the last say on that. Then again, that would be displeasing his parents.

If there is anything consistent, it is inconsistency. Does it ever contribute to a strong foundation in a relationship?

Ruined Plans and Some Reflection

Been busy the past few weeks and it seems like with all the things that are happening, with all the demands made from me in particular, I have been stressing myself out. I have always taken pride in taking things in stride but anxiety for my future is growing and most times I have to silence the voices in my head. A and I planned to spend half of the Holy Week together but his work ruined our travel plans. It cannot be helped. Guy loves his work too much. So we decided on an alternative so we can still spend quality time together.

So after agreeing on the alternative, I have been counting down the days, while reading up on recipes and thinking of tweaking recipes in my head. I have been picking out some books that I would bring, even decided on some movies. He was busy but I trusted that even without him texting me for days, the plan would materialize.

Only to find out last night that he invited his cousins over and so the plans we made were instantly cancelled. He offered to take me out for dinner on Friday instead but I didn't know what to say. Betrayal again. Excuses again. Excuses which make no sense. Everything makes me question his sincerity again. It does not help that lately I have been feeling down following the many undesirable happenings at work and at home. There is this growing feeling to detach, to go out somewhere far all alone to rethink about things.

I have been contemplating about resignation. Not because I am stressed. I still think it is still manageable. But I question how the organization puts incompetent people in leadership roles, people who cannot even comprehend the simplest concepts, people who do not know how to lead people, how to open up opportunities for the company and for its talented people. Office politics certainly play a big role. But if it is stronger and more salient than meritocracy, the company to headed towards doomsday.

So the question is, to still try to turn things around when it's been so difficult because your voice is not heard and listened to, or to leave the boat sinking because I could be wasting time. It is so hard when you find yourself exerting too much effort only for others to disregard them, to be unappreciated, to be regarded as an eccentric who must be isolated simply for being different.

And I realized how my relationship with A and my dilemma in the office are two faces of the same problem. When you can no longer get what you need, you simply move on to wherever can satisfy your needs. That is the rational way of thinking. On the other hand, these challenges may be what will propel you to be your best self, to turn these challenges into opportunities to show and teach others about compassion, oneness, honesty, integrity... Values that should be given much prominence again in this world wounded by strife and conflict and much injustice. I remember giving the same advice my ex supervisor gave me once, about cultivating first, because planting the small seeds is the first difficult step, the first of many steps towards real change.

Every night I still cry. I wonder what the future holds. I am not beautiful, in the ordinary mortal's sense of the word. (But I am cute and attractive. :P) But I know I am beautiful spiritually and intellectually, and it will take an extraordinary person to appreciate that. The masters of today are fake apostles; they preach earthly glory, they aim to seek material wealth. Then again, the sages of yore, their teachings come to me. Detach. Enjoy the present. Silence the mind. Rejuvenate the soul.

Okay, Masters, I will silence my mind. Lotus Bud will grow into a big strong beautiful flower amidst the highly polluted world. Shine your light of wisdom on me, that I may guide others to the same path towards peace and wellbeing.

Indescribable 2016

The last day of 2016, I spent most of the day alone working on my INC's for the simple reason that I do not want to be stressed out early in 2017 when I should be preparing for another hardcore semester. I really am excited but then again whenever I think of the many times I fell sick this year, the many times I thought of either giving up on my dream to obtain an MA degree or resigning from the present company where I have learned a LOT, sometimes I wonder where everything is headed to. This year life presented me with many paths, provided me with glimpses to many possible trajectories in my life as I am nearing 30 (and yet I still feel like a high school student... some people really don't change much).

I don't know how best to describe 2016, except that probably within this year that again, the mind expanded so much. In addition to that, I started to be a real social being, more social than I could ever have imagined. When before I used to do things alone, 2016 let me share some of life's moments with a special someone. (While I am tempted to again reminisce about the good and bad days, I will not. Not in this entry. I will reserve that for part 2 of my open letter.) When friends, especially male ones, used to reprimand me for being too cloistered, it is in 2016 when I finally let down my defenses. Those barbed wires limped, even the snipers became neglectful, the walls came tumbling down. (Two male friends, both who tried to get involved with me romantically, described my social defenses as such, that despite my warmth towards people, I really do not welcome anyone into my very private life.) And it was such an unforgettable experience because I matured socially and got to know about the opposite sex on a level other than mere friendship.

Probably due to my huge loss last year, I seemed to really have thrown everything to the winds this year. I joined strangers on a lecture expedition in Negros and learned a great deal about botany, wondering why the hell I didn't pursue it in college. (But then whenever I immerse in different disciplines I would often think that. Even so, my heart still belongs to languages. Such is the woe of a universalist, time and resources are the greatest hindrances so in the end, one shall content herself in having small bites of everything, like in a buffet.) The whole experience somehow made me ready for the year, a year marked by my return to the academe in the hope of finally getting an MA degree.

Mazu festivities in the streets

street play outside the Mazu Temple

I met relatives in Taiwan. Unlike our relatives here in PH, they were nice to me. They remind me of our relatives in HK who are so hospitable sometimes I felt like a prisoner because they always want to tag along with me wherever I go and I couldn't find enough me time. In Taiwan they only let me wander on my own for just four hours and I visited a temple and it was an auspicious day because they were celebrating the birthday of Mazu (天上聖母, Holy Heavenly Mother). I had to take care of my grandmother and also, people are always worried and I don't want them getting anxious. (But then they should know I can manage on my own. I speak fluent Mandarin and I am good at navigating new places. Sigh.) But I am thankful to them because they told me a lot of stories (my mom almost never tell stories about our relatives) and they treated me to a lot of wonderful food, foremost of which is the famous fragrant fried chicken sold in the sidewalks. YUM!

Wat Phra Mahathat in Ayutthaya, Thailand

The only other country I traveled to aside from Taiwan is Thailand. I booked my plane ticket following another episode of heartache and it was the day before I left for Baguio to join strangers on a hike to Mt. Ulap. I visited a former classmate A and was introduced to W. The three of us shared the same bed and it was a good thing I brought my sleeping bag with me so I didn't need a blanket and still retained my privacy somehow. The sleeping bag ate up half the space of my backpack so I was not able to shop around much which is a disgrace since most would go there to shop for clothes. I only bought a pair of Thai trousers and hankies. (#loser) But anyway, next time I go there, I'll have check-in luggage. HMP.

There just are too many things to do in Thailand and five days are not enough. I remember my former professors who told us about how images of the king are everywhere. Indeed they are, especially since King Bhumidol passed away in October this year. The plazas and monuments are always FULL of mourners in black. WOW! When I walked around Sriraj Hospital and visited some museums there, I discovered why. The king was instrumental in the rapid modernization of Thailand (and now TH surpasses PH in terms of infrastructure!!! They have a subway and an airport railway that's comparable to HK... I wanna cry)

2016 is also the time I finally got to go on solo trips to other places in Visayas aside from Bohol and Aklan. In addition to Negros, I visited Tacloban and Iloilo. Tacloban counts as my least favorite place to go to for the many bad experiences, except that trip also gave me sweet memories because he would always call me every night to check up on me. I almost drowned while bathing in a waterfalls; I didn't know there were deep parts. The horrors. I also hiked on my own, then guided by a kid mid-way who probably took pity on me. That hike resulted to a number of scars on my arms and legs which got office people panicking when they saw me with those scratches, and more so when I told them I went solo hiking. I got disappointed when arriving at Palo, the only heritage structure I saw was the church. I did visit Basey, Samar though and walking on San Juanico Bridge from Leyte to Samar was an experience I cannot forget. Little girl no more as I conquered my fears of crossing bridges on foot alone even though the structure was trembling every time vehicles would pass by. Also, this was my first time to rebook another ticket because I had to be at the office earlier than expected. My original plan of 10 days' leave was cut down to three, but it was all good because I badly wanted to go home already.

crossing San Juanico Bridge on foot

In Iloilo I attended a conference on history but quickly regretted doing so. Then again, my trip was not wasted because I finally saw my fourth baroque church here in PH. So there, I have now seen all four UNESCO heritage churches. So despite the heartaches and despite him not contacting me save for a few emails, I am happy to have achieved something significant this year. I cannot forget the people here in Iloilo. I should have accepted an invite years ago so I could have also visited Guimaras. When R comes back from Germany, I'll plan a trip there for us and hopefully go island hopping. I'll never forget the generous people here who took me in for two nights and even showed me around UP Miag-ao and dropped me off to my next destination which was two towns away or so. The least I could do was buy a tub of ice cream for the house owner's eldest who just turned 5. I was so heartbroken I wasn't thinking straight and before I could realize what I was doing, I said yes to an invitation to spend the night at a stranger's house. All I could think of was that there I was throwing my life to winds, as in a hardcore way.

Miag-ao Church in Iloilo, finally visited all four baroque churches included in the UNESCO heritage list

In Zamboanga City I was not able to wander around freely but then that special someone became sweet and took me on a motorcycle ride at night to see certain tourist spots like Fort Pilar and the City Hall which was made colorful at night because of its many lights. I am very thankful to him for driving me around so I guess one of my fantasies came true, which is to ride as a passenger on a motorcycle. I wish we could do that again, probably in Siquijor or maybe Masbate or Marinduque. Meeting his parents made me nervous but then his family was nice to me so I didn't have a hard time being with them. It's just that of course sometimes I am reminded of certain things and most of the time I wanted to cry but had to hold everything in. It helped that he was sweet while we were there and I will always cherish those moments we had.

Zamboanga Temple (a.k.a. Avalokiteshvara Temple)

In Zamboanga I met the friends of my mentor in historical research. Like her, they were all very friendly and amiable. One even told my fortunes, but I'm not telling anyone. She told me three things which are very true of me, and I didn't even drop hints of that when we were chatting. One thing that struck me was that she correctly said that I am suffering from chest pains and heartache. Okay, I really should try to meditate and calm down and not think about my love life too much. I read an article once that too much heartache can literally kill. Not now when my research has finally took off. Another important milestone is the discovery of a potential sanctuary where I can retire one day. The Buddhist Temple there looked inviting and it was my first time to attend a Buddhist mass while on a trip. (The other choice was a temple in Malabon where my dear great grandmother was cremated.) Unfortunately I wasn't able to visit a mosque. Boo.

Ipo Watershed

Where do broken hearts go? Probably drifting off to nowhere. Those times when I was so heartbroken I would join strangers and go hiking. Still depressed over our breakup in June, I signed up to participate in a tree-planting activity and story-telling engagement with the kids in Ipo Watershed. It was some sort of field trip for me and I got to know more about watersheds and how we can protect them. I also remember feeling like it's been years since I last saw the skies so blue. Following days of nonstop crying, the trip proved to be helpful in making me see the beauty of the world. The last few days of October, feeling betrayed and again depressed, I said yes to traverse Mt. Ulap. I invited a newfound friend whom I met during the tree-planting activity. A humble fellow who seemed to have easily warmed up to me. In one of our stops, I took the opportunity to lie down on the grass and savor the smell of the mountains in the north. Again, I was reminded of the beauty of the world.

Mt. Ulap traverse

2016 also marks the second time I showed Indonesian exchange students around. The National Museum had a free movie screening of the documentary "Call of Our Forefathers" and I invited them to watch with me. It was about Muslim Mindanao and I figured they might be interested. We had lunch at Robinsons Manila where I treated them to Vietnamese fare at Pho Bac. We also went to Solidaridad Bookstore and then were stuck in heavy traffic going to Makati only to head back to QC.

textile exhibit at the National Museum

In October, I watched dance performances at the Asian Center in UP. Pesta Igal was organized by a professor with whom I share the same interests. If I weren't too shy I would one day engage him in a conversation to talk about dances and ethnic music.

Pesta Igal

Another highlight this year is that I finally was able to push through with my first Ramadan experience. I have been telling myself to join our Muslim brothers and sisters for this and this year I succeeded. But I only did semi-fasting because I badly need water. For five weeks I fasted which coincided with my summer classes. It was difficult of course but eventually I got the hang of it. ON the last day though, I almost fainted in the school grounds. I had to take a leave to rest and rejuvenate. The heartache, sleepless nights, sudden fasting, stress at work, and depression all played a part in this. I badly wanted to just die and get over everything. For two months after that, my appetite was greatly reduced, much to the surprise of many.

In terms of skills, I leveled up a great deal again in Excel because of my new roles in the office. I also took Persian language lessons and I am proud to say that in class, I was the only one who could converse with our prof during the oral exam. I also finally took formal Japanese lessons and was often complimented by my profs because I sounded like a Japanese according to them. My many years of watching anime paid off. LOL. Except that I still have a long way to go (I think). A classmate in Japanese offered to teach me how to play the guitar and even connected me to a guitar seller so now I am a proud owner of one meant for performing. Except it will be a long time before I summon the courage to play in front of many people. So now I content myself with playing Chinese songs on it. Sad again because who else listens to the same songs I listen to? Sigh.

So I guess it's still a year well spent. Next year I will take extra good care of myself so that I won't get sick a lot. My sick leaves were greatly decimated this year and I am very unhappy about that. Above all dreams, above all ambitions, health should always be on top of one's priority lists. Also, I have to make sure I take special care of my heart. It's too fragile and the younger me did all she could to protect it, even build strong defenses against people. But I guess, being in love is the most essential human experience there is. It tests your will, your faith, your strength of character. I may just turn out to be one of the weakest persons alive in that department. But okay, deep breath, super deep breath. Here's to 2017!