Sagada Memories: Stories

On the third week of June, I joined a coffee-planting volunteer work in Sagada. It was the perfect time to unwind, to go somewhere far where I had been and meet new people in the process. I was a bit heartbroken a few days prior because for the nth time, he hurt my feelings. Many would say that I am too sensitive. I do admit that, but it's only because I take great care not to offend nor hurt the ones I love that I expect the same from them. This June opened my eyes to the reality that he never loved me. He never cared for me and he never respected me. As I have said in my previous post, he is just a pretentious boy who has to rely on deceit to get by. Strong people would never resort to such lowly tactics because strong people protect, they do not hurt other people. So if there is one truth he said, it is that he is weak. He can brag about his many achievements, but those things do not define a  man; relations do, being a mindful and compassionate person does.

A few days before I left for Sagada, we met up because he needed help and I, as usual, wanted to be there for him. Only to be disrespected. We met his friends and they were talking in their own native language, without even thinking if I felt out of place. I can catch some of the words thanks to my training in Bahasa but most I do not comprehend. I felt so sleepy (as usual) after our dinner at a simple eatery. The place serves really good grilled stuff mostly grilled chicken (no squid though...). I got offended when he invited his FEMALE friend (whom he says is already engaged.. or married? I don't care) to swim at his place, WHEN HE NEVER INVITED ME. And he was just super insensitive and kept on asking me what's wrong with me. A boy can never comprehend a woman when he refuses to take the effort to. Then came one of the most heartbreaking part when he left me alone in the streets at night all of a sudden, bringing my backpack down on the ground and walking away to hail a cab. At least he was still nice enough to carry my heavy backpack that night (#sarcasm).

But we patched things up that night. Yet after that night, things were never the same again. I didn't even cry when it happened. It opened my eyes that I was dating an immature boy who only cares about himself. He says I was controlling him. He was swallowed by paranoia, thinking that me helping him meant I wanted to control him. It only made me see that the relationship is really going nowhere. He never did trust me, despite him always saying he does so. That incident made me rethink our relationship, made me question my choices to love him with all my heart. You can always love a person, but should stop when that person refuses to be loved. Take it or leave it, there's no in-between.

So going back to Sagada, which should be the heart of this post: the night of my departure, I told him I was in the bus terminal, hoping he would come visit me even for a while to see me off. Nothing of the sort happened. Stubborn me, I reprimanded myself back then. Why did I keep on hoping for him to do things for me??? He couldn't even face my parents, he had to be forced to meet my sisters. With a heavy heart I left Manila for Sagada, that place in the north where he traveled with his French girlfriend whom he is proud to have. He always is proud to have had a French girl and even planned to marry her despite that circumstances in which they met. What decent guy would marry a girl who got drunk and got inside a stranger's room to make out with a stranger? And I being idealistic, believing in the power of humans to change, didn't make much of it. The present is always more important. So while in the bus, when I was not sleeping I was crying. Coz... they play sappy music in the bus... Makes me remember the days when he was sweet to me and makes me wonder if he really did love me, even one bit. (Okay I will stop, he clearly DOES NOT!!! Dear girl, quit your delusions!)

In Sagada, I met nice people who somehow took my mind off him. I met interesting women. One is an almost 40 year old woman but still looks young, probably because of her outlook in life. She is very motherly and it makes me wonder why no guy pursued her. (But oh well, only boys roam the world, boys who like the superficial.) She was with her friend who was able to study in Australia on a scholarship. The friend is a daughter of a former government official and although the family name is extraordinary, I failed to make a connection until later. In fact, they had to tell me. LOL. Another is a quiet woman, already married and whose husband is working abroad. She is a businesswoman and has made herself financially independent thus allowing herself to travel alone even without the support of her husband. But my heart was shattered when I learned that she is having an affair. Just what is wrong with the world??? We had a heart-to-heart talk before we parted ways and that was when she shared her story. I, of course, cautioned her against continuing the affair. I told her, that I understand her needs; her husband is away, but THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. When you marry someone, you commit to the relationship, you commit to being a good wife to your husband (or being a good husband to your wife). Besides, the person she's having an affair with is also married and has kids. Being a homewrecker will not make her happy. So I shared with her how my dad destroyed my view of males, how angry I was (still am) at him when we learned of his affairs. And I asked her to think what if his child grows up to be like me? I reminded her that this is no win-win situation.

I was reminded of the time when someone asked me out for a date but who turned out to be already married. When I found out, I already liked him a bit. But you will know how strong you are when you are able to walk away from temptations. And I just did. So whenever I think of my frailty, I will always think of that moment when I fought myself hard to do the right thing before our "friendship" deepens and before I do something that will cause me guilt all of my life. That is how fidelity works. You nip it in the bud. You do as Ulysses did when he ordered his men to tie him up and put ear plugs on to resist the seductive sirens. Such preventive mechanism will enable you to step away from things that you will regret later. They say that affairs usually start out as innocent friendship. But it blossoms because you spend too much time together than necessary. You know you are in big trouble when you are more concerned about this extra lover than about your official lover (i.e. husband/ wife). It is also this reason that whenever I talk to my male friends, I would make it a point to tell them about A, to send the message that I am already off-limits. (Only to find out later on that he dated a girl in his class with whom he shared my work and he told her that "we used to date". "Used to" when at that time we were still good. So what does that make him?)

So going back to the people I met in Sagada... There was this one doctor who seemed to have not yet moved on  from his breakup. I don't know the full story but "motherly friend" (hereinafter T) and "popular daughter" (hereinafter K) told me that he was all out in his recent relationship and was disappointed because the girl's efforts were minute compared to his. He was emphasizing EFFORT. I do understand where he is coming from and I feel sorry for  him. Girls normally put in much effort, too much effort even, for the men they love. But then, I also acknowledge that bitches also exist. (Of course we only got to hear his side of the story... So okay, the skeptic in me is making a lot of questions... LOL) One evening, I joined them around the campfire. They were drinking and chatting. I just wanted to see how they drink. I like observing people when I am not engaging them. So I sat beside T and K and he invited me to sit closer to him. Of course, I didn't do that because he was already drunk. They offered me a drink and I put a former professor's wise words to practice. Since I don't drink I usually feel out of place. One way of still becoming one with the group is to accept the drink but to announce for everyone to hear that such is my first and last because I DO NOT DRINK. PERIOD. So no amount of coaxing will work. (I don't understand why people become alcoholic. Alcohol tastes bad.. EWWW!!!)

They asked me if I had any companion in the project (none), my reasons for joining (vacation break), and why I travel alone (to challenge myself, though actually the real challenge for me is travelling with incompatible companions). I think they were expecting me to say that I was looking for love in Sagada following the popularity of the movie "That Thing Called Tadhana". I forgot what our topic was but then when asked about something, I casually replied, "because boys are uncaring." And he couldn't accept it, demanding answers all night long until we had to put out the fire at 10PM. LOL. Funny experience! But the strange thing is, although he was drunk, I didn't feel scared of him. I normally distance myself from drunk people. Maybe because I sensed a loadful of loneliness and frustrations in him. Empath mode on again. Sigh. I will really drain myself out fast if this keeps going.

The only other person who doesn't drink is X (I forgot her name...). She graduated from a private all-girls' school known for social activism. Needless to say, she works in the development sector and plans to take up further studies abroad. She's a people person and it's not hard to see that she has a strong personality. Meeting her made me realize that most of those in the development sector come from well-off family and I came to formulate that there is a general pattern. No wonder those who are selected in foreign scholarship programs are mostly from rich families, because they have access to these experiences which are not readily available to the average person who is most likely to end up a corporate slave in a private firm (ehem). And it is a misconception that salaries in NGOs and social work are small. Heck no, they are even bigger compared to those in the corporate world. So it got me thinking, is this the modern day version of elite cooptation? Of course there are exceptions. I have a friend who was a product of the public school system and who had so much grit she was able to get one of the most coveted slots in Japanese scholarship program. 

I could have taken my time in getting to know everyone in the project. But then the group was big so my introvert self was screaming to be alone.

First Night in New House

Around this time last month, my parents, a sister, and I slept in our new house in the north. It was a tiring day having to unload all our stuff from the car and then finding the space to place our things. The house is smaller than our previous house and we had to move due to financial difficulties. (It is hard to do business in PH because of poor government implementation. We have brilliant minds and brilliant ideas that look good only on paper but do not get carried out faithfully in real life. In addition to that, traditional people need to keep up with the fast-changing world lest they lose in the rat race. The world is already full of evil and cunning people, the ones who will do everything just to get to the top.  I wonder how they can sleep soundly at night knowing the harm they do to other people. Okaaaay, I digress...)

Since the stove and cooking utensils were still in our former house, we had dinner at a restaurant nearby. We had all my favorite food: roast beef, calamares, and tempura. During lunchtime, I only had mangoes and rice because my dad bought lechon liempo and I got furious because he hadn't thought of me. (I don't like pork.) We also bought Jollibee chickenjoy meals but these were just enough for the workers. What happened was, on the way to the new house, we stopped by a Jollibee drive-through and ordered value meals while my sister went down to buy our food in the shop besiide Jollibee. After getting our purchases, we waited for sister at the exit. Much to my dismay, she bought lechon liempo (roast pork) instead of lechon manok (roast chicken). Since we were in a hurry, I resigned myself to fate. Thank heavens we brought mangoes with us. At least it felt like eating sushi.

roast beef: we all love the sauce

Like the calamares, the tempura lacks character and taste. Maybe the cook forgot to add salt!!!

We slept super late that night because there still were a lot of things to do. It was a simple night: the parents slept on a matress-less bed, made comfortable only by the thick blanket I was able to bring. My sister and I shared the sofa bed. Good thing I was able to bring a small pillow. Since we were all dead tired, we fell asleep immediately only to be woken by barks outside and my paranoid parents grew suspicious and anxious. Thank God the next day was a holiday.

Birthday Blues 2016

Four months on hiatus and now I find myself facing two weeks before my birthday. The ultra hectic schedule and an endless list of tasks, add to that the worsening holiday traffic, everything seems to be onthe wrong side.

And yesterday, news of the dictator Marcos' burial in Heroes' Cemetery made me anxious about the future of this country. People are not happy and rallies were organized in different places on short notice. I worry that this might cause a civil war. The AFP, represented by the acting chief of staff Lt. Gen. Glorioso Miranda, was shown to hand over the Philippine flag to Imelda during the funeral rites. It is not hard to see that AFP will be at the receiving end of the people's criticisms and discontent yet again. The Marcoses, desiring to keep the whole thing solemn and private, were described as "thieves of the night" this time just as they were "thieves in broad daylight" during the height of the Marcos era.

As a social scientist, I find it amazing how today's technology is able to mobilize a huge number of people into action in a moment's notice. Anyone is bound to remember the role social media played in bringing down Middle Eastern regimes perceived to be corrupt. Since last night, people have gathered at the People Power Monument, aming other places, to voice out their discontent. In social media, activists have been flooding the newsfeeds with posts on human rights, corruption, and revisionist history. The trending hashtag: #Marcosnotahero or variations of such.

On the other side, there are people who espouse moving on and forgiveness using religion as a tool to "promote peace", but it backfires. They are quick to be ridiculed as ignoramuses who are told to read more about the Marcos years. This is where our heavily flawed education system is manifested. Supposedly well-educated people, the likes who graduated from UST (thank God I haven't come across a UP graduate who is in favor of the honors bestowed on Marcos) even, are surprisingly lacking in critical thinking. Move on and forget? Yes, there are many more issues that demand our attention, but to bury a dictator in a place reserved for those who contributed positively to the general public? Or has the concept of "hero" changed for these people? The reason why this is a big deal is because it adds insult to injury. Our being Manila-centric is again showing. We know very little about the peripheries. Our understanding of the Muslim South is so pitifully small and full of misconceptions. How many people have heard of the massacres of innocent civilians? How many people have heard of the Jabidah massacre, the Malisbong massacre? Does the average person know that cultural genocide has been taking place here in our very own country?

I do not blame these people. I remember reading only the positive things Marcos did for PH when I was in elementary. I remember being awed that wow, he stayed in power for 20 years! Back then, I did not understand Martial Law. My parents both praise Marcos for it because they said it brought back discipline. It was only in college when I heard about stories of crimes against humanity. I began reading more, listening to more stories, asking more questions. At the end of the day, when these stories surface, the good and the bad, you can't help but be stuck. There were stories that Marcos was being defamed by the Americans because he suddenly shifted foreign policy to include communist/socialist states. And there are the arguments that the post-Marcos years were also rife with human rights injustices but why are we venerating the Aquinos?

Again, we see how people think in black and white. Criticize one and you're surely an ally of the other camp. Can't we be just mature citizens who are just being vigilant, who are just exercising democracy to ensure that the government is not oppressing the people???

And there are many more issues to this. My mind is tired. My heart is tired. Just as I was starting to trust D, this happens. Why are we so good at betraying trust? Why is credibility no longer important?

I go back to asking these same questions, how we have drifted far away from morality, how this world is consumed by materialism we no longer give importance to spirituality. I cannot help but think of the tragedies that occured in my personal life, how I wished so hard to just disappear from this world because I found it inhabitable, too cold, too dark, too cruel. The inner longing to go back to the point of origin is more intense than ever. I just want to dissociate myself from this world.

This year I lost my innocence. This year I lost my optimism. This year I lost the will to effectuate change. I lost it all, I lost my self, I lost my dreams. Last year was the beginning and this year things worsened. I wonder what's in store for me next year? But maybe it's not a bad thing altogether being exposed to the cruel sides of the world. I never knew how strong I was, or maybe it is just innate in me to perform well despite the misfortunes of life? That despite my shattered self, my brain still functions well, though admittedly not as well as before. Sad.

Maybe I am just reaping what I sowed. I wasn't able to fully show my love to the Light of my life. That guilt made me go the extra mile in loving a new person in my life, afraid that I might make the same mistake of losing a person without showing the depth and breadth of my love. Yet it was still a mistake. So I am back to slowly building my own shell, which shattered to a million pieces those times I chose to love fiercely without hesitation, without limits. Maybe I loved the wrong person. Or maybe the time is not right. Who are we to know? I only know that if I believe in something, I will really do everything, that I will take great pains to protect something I hold sacred and dear. Except it might just be grasping for the wind, leaving me frozen in the same exact spot where I was left hanging.

I'm just too old-fashioned. I am not meant to live in today's world marked by a hyperconsumerist culture. I cannot compare. I cannot compete. I cannot thrive. Authenticity is too strong that everyone else is overwhelmed. I must relearn the art of solitude. 

Love, Pain, and Becoming a Light

Having experienced my first break up after just three months of dating made me question many things about life and love. Before falling hard for the first man to ever sweep me off my feet, I used to think that love is something that will be a tough challenge because it would entail sacrifice, lots of it, but that the rewards will be more than what you would expect. With that belief, no matter how difficult it is to love someone whose intentions eventually  became blurry and muddled, I carried on loving him, fighting those ugly thoughts in my head, fighting against myself for feeling neglected. I chose to love and trust him with all my heart although it was hard because everything would always catch me by surprise. For love, I chose not to listen to my gut feel. I chose to meet the trust he gave me. (Although truth be told, I had a lot of misgivings. In essence, I had to battle it out with my fears that one day he would just leave me behind.)

Once he asked what my gut feel tells me about him. I sensed a terribly wounded man whose inner goodness has been shrouded by layers of pain and sadness. For some reason, I decided to stick with him, to share my world with him. In a span of just three months, I welcomed him into my life, the life I have come to build alone after years of devastation and self-doubt. I can say that it is far from perfect yet because I haven't moved on completely from my loss last year. I thought that maybe if I were to heal a person, maybe I could find complete healing, too. He was rarely sweet, but I was happy whenever we were together. For a while I was reminded of the happiness in life. Life exploded with colors but those colors quickly disappeared when he became distant, when he started to push me away (although he denies doing so) and I, naive and ignorant, did not know how to handle the situation. To me, the message was "You are not welcome in my life. Leave me alone."

The five day challenge in March proved to be helpful. It made me take a glimpse of what to expect should I enter into a relationship with him. It was a challenge I was able to overcome, but that was because our relationship was just starting. Not that much invested feelings yet.

Tears started to flow early in May, just when I was feeling loved and just when I thought this will be serious. I thought it would be the end, that he would end things with me because of his past which he assumed I wouldn't accept. A whole loadshit of baggage waiting to be unloaded. It was a fragile moment, a major decision for me. But it wasn't because of that that I felt hurt. The pain that pierced me stemmed from the feeling that he didn't trust me at all to have hidden that from me. I cried for two days and only stopped when people were being funny and laughing was hard to resist. I was reminded of the beauty of the world, that this is just one speck of the world's many problems and I should nit feel so bad because others have had it worse.

So I accepted him, hoping he would work hard for our relationship to blossom again. But things have changed. Maybr it was also the wrong timing. But it seemed I have not totally gotten past my initial heartbreak. I became insecure, I sought his "I love you's" but resisted so hard to nag. All the resistance came undone with just one question from him. That question unleashed all the pent up negative feelings inside which I thought I could control but turns out I am just an ordinary girl who can only hold in so much. What came was domino effect. I felt unappreciated and unaccepted. I found myself asking if the golden rule is even true. We both know our differences yet we entered into a relationship. But that question made me realize that differences could wreak havoc in our lives. I have always thought that we could fight for each other, that that was already implicit when we decided to be exclusive. I was wrong.

Then came the blaming and hurling of unkind words. After only two months, the romance stopped. I struggle to this day to understand why he entered my peaceful life only to disrupt it. On second thought maybe I was to blame for not being able to give him what he wants. Or maybe we both have expectations we never communicated and we acted on assumptions only, not knowing that what we offered were not what was needed. We failed to communicate effectively even though at the onset I suggested that we practice having open comms because we both suck at mind games (or maybe that was only me?)

Just this Thursday, I used my break to nap but ended up crying inside the room, taking advantage of the fact that nobody else was inside. Prior to that, I have cried in small amounts. That time was the worst because I thought if my heart would stop beating from too much pain, I would be found there unconscious, or probably with no life.

Thoughts ran inside my head. I wouldn't be okay without him (to answer one of his questions). It could have been better if he told me he doesn't want me anymore because I am blah blah blah so I can just move on and just hope to find someone who can appreciate and accept me for who I am. But he made it sound as if we were just victims of circumstances before which we are hopeless. And that's the hardest part, because moving on is next to impossible. You ask yourself if, when he said "I love you" did he really mean it? Was everything just a game? Did he get that satisfaction out of hurting a person whom many people admire and like but who has never been in a relationship before? I felt played on by someone who regards feelings as if they are mere commodities. Did he get a kick out of making a "strange and different" girl fall in love with him just to break her heart?

On the other hand, whenever I look back to the recent months, i could honestly say that he loved me, that he tried to also fight. But why is he giving up now? What do I have to do to prove that I am a totally different person? That I am not someone who will just turn around and leave when things get ugly. And I go back to questioning if he really trusted me all this time.

I refuse to believe the idea that you let go of a person because you love him/her. If you truly see your future with him/her, do you let go? Of course not! That's just a lousy excuse to make it seem like you are not a jerk. When you find the one you're looking for, you fight hard, work hard, love hard. Even though it hurts. Even though it breaks every fiber of your being. The world can judge you for being "weak" but it is only in loving a person with all your heart and with all your soul that you will find your salvation. When two people are truly in love with each other, they will never let go no matter what. They will take each other's hands and weather through everything.

"I hope you can handle the truth, that I am not meant for you because of my flaws."

The flaws I accepted in him, the flaws I have come to love. Only it doesn't matter now because he has let go of my hand.

Is it because I am too emotional? Because I cry easily? Even strong girls cry. I cry when I watch a good movie or read a very good book even if it's not drama. I cry when I glimpse beauty. I cry over the people I love, the very few people I can love. I cry when I know he is suffering and is in pain. I wouldn't want him to make a painful choice so I will force myself to accept his decision. Lastly I cry for myself, because I am just human and the heart can be fragile.

Now it becomes clear to me why the word for love in Chinese is also the word for pain. 疼 can mean both "to care for" and "to ache". Love and pain are intertwined. You cannot love without experiencing pain. Also, if it hurts, it's because you loved.

Why is it so easy for people to just discard relationships as if feelings do not matter. Why is it that "work it out" is no longer the norm? I used to believe in true love, looking to my grandparents' story for inspiration. Theirs was fraught with difficulties, but they overcame everything. They loved only once in their lifetime and carried it until the end. Is the world too f*ucked up to have people hurting each other the norm? Whatever happened to love, trust, integrity, compassion?

So I guess the world is indeed f*cked up.  But I don't want to live in a cold heartless world. So I choose to tread the path less travelled, to be a light that can endure burning, to love with so much tenderness and fierceness still. One day I will wake up a blank slate, the past behind me. When that day comes, I know that I will ever be more ready to face life's worse challenges.

Last Pages of "Adapt"

Continuing where I left off last night since it was already past midnight and I wasn't able to finish the last few pages, I am spending this night contemplating on again throwing my life to the winds. I was a bit bothered when I was on page 280 because I thought Harford would be espousing the traditional view of securing your life and protect yourself from risks.

"Pluralism matters becausenlife is not worth living without new experiences- new people, new places, new challenges. But discipline matters too: we cannot simply treat life as a psychedelic trip through a random series of novel sensations. We must sometimes commit to what is working: to decide that the hobby we are pursuing is worth mastering; that it's time to write that novel, or strive for that night-school degree; or maybe to get married. Equally important: sometimes we need to make the opposite kind of commitment, and decide that the toxic job and the toxic boyfriend are simply not worth the amount of life they cost." (p. 280)

Harford goes on to say how much people look up to those few who can take wild leaps in life, but also briefly mentions how habits formed after many years of working toward a goal yield masterpieces, citing important figures in art and literature. He cautions against wandering around "the lower reaches of various mountain ranges" and getting too carried away by novelty that distraction is sure to set you off the the ultimate target path.

And I heaved a sigh of relief as I savor the paragraphs that follow:

"(...) a world of possibilities, of safe experiements- is one we tend to lose. But we need not: the new possibilities are always out there. It's one thing to be committed; it's another to trap ourselves unnecessarily. Perhaps we become more shy of experimenting as we get older because we become more aware of the truth that (...) in a complex world, we're unlikely to get it right the first time. To embrace the idea of adapting in everyday ñife seems to be to accept blundering into a process of unremitting failure. So it's worth remembering again why it is worth experimenting, even though so many experiments will, indeed, end in failure. It's because the process of correcting the mistakes can be more liberating than the mistakes themselves are crushing, even though at the time we so often feel that the reverse is true. (...) A single experiment that succeeds can transform our lives for the better in a way that a failed experiment will not transform them for the worse- as long as we don't engage in denial or chase our losses." (pp. 282-283)

I love how positive Harford is to being open and to being courageous without being overbearing. In fact, he closes the book with the following wise words after sharing an anecdote abput how his three-year old daughter got lost in the center of London without the slightest fear as she explored on her own:

"The ability to adapt requires this sense of security, an inner confidence that the cost of failure is a cost we will be able to bear. Sometimes that takes real courage; at other times all that is needed is the happy self-delusion of a lost three-year-old. Whatever its source, we need that willingness to risk failure. Without it, we will never truly succeed." (p. 284)

**********************************

Now on to throwing my life to winds again. I feel so much better reading this book. Sometimes you know what to do but you need some sort of support from a stranger knowing that under the vast heavens there still are individuals who think the same way as you do and you don't feel so alone.

2015 Christmas Wishlist

It's October and I have yet to clear my backlogs. Anyhow, at this very moment I am taking a break from playing cheesy Air Supply songs on violin and thinking about how much I would want a new violin, I decided to blog a bit.

None in my wishlist has been realized so far except for the art materials which I wanted a few years ago and which I also put in my wishlist in the office secret Santa gift-giving activity. As if people would go to great lengths to get what I really want. Thinking about what to want for Christmas is very hard for me.

Since lately I have been more focused on music, I would very much want to have music-related stuffs for Christmas. Those and going to theaters, museums, and maybe a long travel to think things through before the year ends.

1. Tickets to concerts and musicals

 Next year, Les Misérables will be staged here in Manila. I'm saving up for that but it would be really reaaly cool to have my ticket for free.

2. Movie dates

  While I am the type who prefers to go solo when watching movies, it would be nice to have someone to watch Le Petit Prince with. It just so happens that it will be in theaters within my birthday week this year. 

3. Food trips

  My sisters and close friends know fully well how much I love food and how adventurous I am when it comes to food. Going on an all expense paid good trip is an excellent way to make a girl happy. Whoever said that diamonds are a girl's best friend is a liar. The best way to a girl's heart is through the stomach. Always.

4. Long walks

  It's a real pity we do not have that many parks here so this poor hyperactive girl finds it hard to release extra energy. While I do walk on roads, I couldn't enjoy as much because of the pollution. Ugh!

And no, walking in malls is not my cup of tea. I easily get bored seeing all the merchandise on sale which we humans really do not have a need for anyay. [*curses consumerism]

5. The Mind Museum

I've been wanting to go. I did get to visit one time in August but only at the lobby to attend a talk on the origins of the universe. However, I can't seem to afford the ticket.

6. CDs

  Of musical giants. For the longest time I have been listening to sax, mostly by Kenny G. It's hard to find violin music so I might as well put that on my list.

7. Musical instruments

  I'd like something to add to my winds collection. Probably a harmonica or a clarinet. Or maybe a sax? But saxophones are way too expensive. Sigh!

8. Travels

  This girl is itching to travel but is on hiatus for now. I'm saving up for sometjing important so I'm holding my money tight. So it would be lovely to get a free trip again before the year ends. Wanna go to the beach to contemplate about life, love, loss, death, and redemption. Or about the origins of the universe. Or how we can achieve world peace...

9. Books

  Ah this girl's best friend. I'd like some intelligent books on history. I like books focused on lesser known heroes and/or intellectuals. Or books on music. Or perhaps books on crazy ideas. Would appreciate books on dating, too. I am seeing the wisdom in a friend's suggestion to read up on dating only now... because that's where I fare poorly.

10. The wisdom to guide me every step of the way, the courage to enable me to do the things I should do, and the strength to carry on doing what I need to do.

Last but not the least, a chance to throw it all to the winds again--- my dreams, my frustrations, my sorrows, my joys. I want to empty myself and start anew.

The Day You Went Away: MARCH 24, 2015

Yesterday marks a sad event in my life. The week before, before I left for Bohol, plans of you leaving us, leaving me, reached me. The suddenness of the events that followed the passing away of your daughter has really affected me after all, through you who have grown frail and weak. Maybe I do not know the sentiments of a mother losing her only child, but I wonder, have you thought of me? We meet on earth with no blood relations, but you have been a mother and a confidante to me, light of my life, savior of this poor wretched child almost doomed to rot in hell.

So yesterday, your bags were already packed when I reached home. I couldn't even have the time to really absorb much of what's going on, having been tired and lacking much sleep lately. Fears and anxieties crawl into my being, for some weird reason, Bach's Chaconne plays inside my head.

I shall forever mark the date. March 24, 2015. I couldn't even cry, perhaps my tears have all dried up from constantly worrying about you. There's only the same feeling I felt when my grandfather died twelve years ago. No tears, just a feeling of sadness that seemed quite foreign and yet a peaceful sadness.

On the way home inside the car, I watched the crescent moon in the sky. Shaped like a smile, it seemed to mock us humans for our frailty and for us mortals giving in to emotions. And yet it's the same feeling I had back then when, aspiring for someone's love so much to the point it hurt, I watched the moon being covered and uncovered by clouds. That same moon, oblivious to heartaches... I hope she smiles down on us and comforts us when the heart longs for the happy past.

And now, a favorite song from the 90's automatically plays in my head when I think of you.

Why do we never know what we've got 'til it's gone

How could I carry on

The day you went away

Cause I've been missing you so much I have to say

Been crying since the day

The day you went away

Please take care now, and always know that despite the distance, you will always be loved. You will always remain as the light of my life.

______________________________________

Today is supposed to be a happy day at the workplace. Yet how can I be happy knowing that starting today I will come home and feel your absence around?

An Open Letter to the Light of My Life

It's been a long time since we last had a long chat. These days we seem to try to catch up on each other early in the morning before I leave for work. I would always ask how you are doing even though I know the answer. You would always look at me, your eyes forlorn, your current fragile state breaking my heart to pieces. It's not easy for me to watch you go weak with each passing day; I have been used to seeing you wake up each morning earlier than anybody else, with that load of energy despite your age. I often wondered where you got that strength that allowed you to do numerous tasks without complaint.

Consecutive trips enriched my life, but it also made me poorer in understanding you. One day I was shocked to come back seeing you emaciated, your eyes no longer alert and shining. Words cannot describe how I feel. You seem lifeless, purposeless, friendless. You wouldn't eat, you refuse to listen when we repeatedly tell you to go to the doctor. You, who used to be strong as a bull, cannot even walk properly now.

I fear for what the future holds in store for us. Throughout my life, you were there. You saw me through my darkest, most bitter periods in my life. When blood and kin sought to hurt me, you were my sole comfort. You were the one who taught me early in my life, even with waves of rejection, coldness, cruelty, and all the challenges that come my way, are nothing if I put my faith in God. You sought to understand me, even in my most pitiful egocentric bitter state. Many would claim to know me but it is only you who always defended me from backstabbers, you the only one who testified to my goodness. It was grace. Perhaps we were meant to meet in this lifetime, because your faith in me changed me. I had a taste of grace because of your goodness and to this time it inspires me to be a better, not bitter, person.

This last weekend, I could have continued to do my volunteer work while in Pangasinan. We passed by Manaoag and I changed my mind and decided to stay inside the church to hear mass and to say a little prayer for you. I knownthat you'd be happy to learn that your little girl is back to going down on her knees with pleas to the Heavens, this time not for me but for you. Today after work, I found myself walking towards that church where I got a rosary last year on my birthday, as if my legs had life of their own. So I brought out my rosary and prayed the sorrowful mystery. How apt, when the two of us are in agony, you physically and me emotionally.

I am not prepared for this. But I guess your little girl will have to grow up now. Coming back home, finding you not there to welcome me has given me of a glimpse of a possibility I do not want to consider. Home feels cold, dark, awful without you.

Tears cannot stop flowing now as I write. Please do not leave me alone.

From Multiply 017: La lune dans l'eau

D’une fête d’une amie
Je viens une nuit,
Après la bière, les becs
Avec les femmes, les mecs.
                                    En levant la tête
                                    Au ciel chouette,
                                    Les larmes, je les vois
                                    S’écoulent à la fois.
                                                           Le clair de pleine lune
                                                                      Embrasse mes joues, chacune,
                                                                  Et puis, il me dit,
                                                            « Le monde n’est que petit. »
Et puis,
Et puis…
                                                                    Elle me met en lumière,
                                                                    J’oublie les choses d’hier ;
                                                                  Du célèbre, du fort, du riche,
                                                                    De tout, je m’en fiche.
                                    La paix, elle me plait,
                                    Même l’être sur et vrai.
                                    Sans regardant le monde,
                                    Je comprends le profond.
La lune dans l’eau
Est un submergé bateau ;
La lune au ciel
Plus douce que le miel.


Jan 13, '09 1:16 AM
for Miracle's contacts

All Saints' Day

November 1, one of my favorite holidays because I love going to cemeteries with those cute white calachuchi flowers, the November breeze blowing through my hair as I walk down the cemented streets pervaded by the smell of incense, and contemplating about life, death, and [possible] rebirth. I have thought about this for as long as I can remember and every time I do, I end up with a headache. At some point in my life, I got tired of thinking and debating with myself and so I just vowed to live life to the fullest since nothing is certain in this mundane world.
******************************************************************************

As a child, I often wondered why we go to the cemetery on November 1 instead of November 2. All Souls' Day falls on the 2nd day of November and for me, it is more apt since not all dead people are saints. Until now I still cannot comprehend this. Or maybe it's because of the Chinese tradition to venerate our ancestors and in doing so, the dead assumes a saintly status.
*****************************************************************************

After a visit to the cemetery, I went straight home to prepare for my Sagada trip that night, missing the chance to visit a temple where an uncle was cremated.

Busy

Out of school and still the same status...BUSY.

No wonder I don't have time for a romantic relationship.

Because people seek me out not because they like me, but because they can get something from me.

Where is LOVE? People NO longer LOVE other people, people nowadays USE other people.

And so, never ever berate me for being too much of an escapist. I need my imaginary worlds to survive in this jungle of a civilization.

A Message 4

"To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage."

I have been meditating on these words ever since I received this quote from Mr. Ube as I attempt to give a value to these two propositions. All this while marveling at how timely this quote came as I constantly found myself praying for courage and strength.

From Multiply 011: A Prayer for a Change

"Prayer is an ineffable act. It does not claim to be anything, but it can do everything."

Paul Sedir

Martinist Order and Synarchy

Why do I pray? Having come from a non-sectarian high school where most of my classmates are atheists, I was often confronted by this question. I would always answer nonchalantly that the reason is because it helps me a lot. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother to pray.

Many people get this impression that a person prays only when in dire need of divine assistance. If a man is beset with a series of unfortunate events, the one thing he's sure to do is to pray to God for a miracle that would straighten out his life. For me, however, praying is more than asking God to lift you up when you're in deep water. For me, praying makes me learn things I don't get to learn within the four corners of a classroom.

So, why do I pray?

I pray because it's the only thing I can do aside from watching the sceneries while onboard the jeepney. Gazing out at the healthy leaves of trees glistening in the sunlight on sunny days, the slowly floating puffy fluffy clouds on cloudy days, the soft downpour from the heavens on rainy days and other seemingly common scenes make me admire nature more. I can't help but be awed at God's wonderful creations, and I just have to send a prayer of gratitude. I learn to appreciate the small things in life.

I pray because I care for others, most especially, the streetchildren who have to struggle for survival when they should be in school, mapping out their future. More often than not, they are ignored and at times, considered as non-existent in the eyes of passersby. When I have spare change, I give some to them so they can buy food. The least I can do is pray to God and ask Him to somehow alleviate their poor condition. i learn to be more compassionate especially with the poor.

I pray because it drives away the loneliness in me. When I pray, I not only get to talk to God, i also get to know myself more as i contemplate on the things I have prayed for.

I pray because praying gives me a sense of comfort and assurance that I should not fear. The phrase " Do not be afraid" appears 365 times in the Bible, giving enough assurance to anyone who seeks God that everyday in our life, we can be alright because he is always there for us. I learn to trust and believe.

I pray because it offers me a new kind of strength that would make me steadfast in my beliefs even though people may criticize me for believing in the "unprovable". I learn to be strong in the midst of temptations to deny my faith.

I pray because I want God to shepherd me to the right path, so that I may be able to acquire "a pair of hind's feet" to climb up the steep "high places" like in the Book of Habakkuk. Free will can, at times, cause one to take pride in himself and sin against God. I learn to be humble and to submit to God's will.

I pray because it motivates me to do good things for others. As I praise and glorify God in my prayers, I realize I must do something for God's glory. I learn to live an upright life for God.

 Like any other humans, I also pray for divine assistance, especially after doing everything I could, and yet things don't turn out the way I expect it to be. Humans are desperate, thus, they turn to god for a surefire way to make things better. It's not always that we can do everything on our own. Hardwork, coupled with faith in God, can spell a big difference. I learn to accept my limitations as a mere human being who is incapable of doing everything without the help of the Divine. I also learn to acknowledge God as the only perfect being in the universe.

I have left out, however, the most important reason why I pray. To bring about change in this materialistic, corrupted, and perverse world of ours.

Everyone prays for a "perfect world" -one devoid of sin and vice, a world where war, famine, poverty, strife and discrimination are non-existent. But not everyone does his share to make this a dream come true. In order to bring about change on a large scale, change must first occur within an individual. I believe that if everyone changes for the better, surely, the world will also change for the better.

Comparing myself from the past to the present me, I have certainly changed a lot. From being a self-centered, insolent fool that I was who used to dwell in dark cocoons, I have broken free of my prison and emerged as a butterfly which bathes in the beauty of sunlight.

I have undergone changes within myself. Still, I do not consider myself perfect, because nobody really is perfect. It is a cliché to state that, but it is the truth. I still commit sins, consciously or not. But I find it in my heart the will to change and I stick to the belief that prayers would really help me gradually change into a better person. And I hope it would be the same for everyone, too.



Feb 20, '08 5:28 AM
for Miracle's contacts

Before 2012 Ends

Before 2012 ends, there are lots of things I have yet to do. Out of graduate school and I find myself leaning more towards movies and J-dramas, and spending less time with books. In just a few months I think I have become a screensucker and I find myself thanking the internet for classics I can read online.

When I finished my course in archaeology, I told myself that I would start leafing through the pages of my books as I have accumulated more than 300 books and am now having problems concerning space since I share a bedroom with my sisters and it disgusts them to see books everywhere from my so-called Garbage Island to my bed.

After years of focusing on too much non-fiction, I developed a short-lived thirst for fiction and so I planned to read all of Margaret Atwood and Robertson Davies' books in my collection, especially after reading the first's Lady Oracle and the second's The Papers of Samuel Marchbanks. Both authors are Canadians and I guess theirs would have to be my introduction to Canadian literature.

Other books I plan to read before 2012 ends are:

R. Davies' The Cunning Man, What's Bred in the Bone, The Lyre of Orpheus, The Deptford Trilogy, Leaven of Malice, A Mixture of Frailties

M. Atwood's Handmaid's Tale, Life before Men, The Robber Bride, The Edible Woman

Because this year 2012 is a special year in that the Phantom of the Opera will be staged in Manila, I also plan to read Gaston Leroux's novel of the same title from which the musical is based.

In addition, because  The Hobbit will be shown in theaters this December, I also told myself to read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and if I were lucky enough to find a cheap copy of The Hobbit I would also gladly read it. All these before watching the movie.

The Philippine Philharmonic Orchestra (PPO) will have its opening concert on September 21 (Friday) at the Philamlife Auditorium. (Click here and here for more information) To show my support for our own wonderful musicians, I have made it a point to attend at least the opening concert. (And also because I just miss Philamlife Auditorium that much.)

If I still have money and time, then I would no doubt go see The Seagull (Ang Tagak) (Sept. 19-Oct. 7), a play by Anton Chekov, staged by Dulaang UP and directed by the great Tony Mabesa, with Filipino translation by Rolando Tinio.

On my birthday this December, I would love to cook for my family. This is to showcase my cooking skills (if indeed I gained any... LOL). Menu would be a mix of Italian and Mexican. There will be nachos and home-made salsa. I will also prepare a new pasta dish never been tasted by the world (yes, it will be a new invention by yours truly). If chance permits, I would buy salmon and grill it. For dessert I would just ask my sisters to buy a cake from Conti's. (Thinking about all these make me drool...)

And of course, I'd like to go out more with my close friends since it's been a long time since we did something meaningful together. Eating out would be the best option. Or perhaps we can go hang out at some karaoke bar and goof around as in the old days, this time by trying hard to be wonderful music artists, or in my case, being a rockstar wannabe.

Concerning travels, I would love to go to the Visayan region and visit the lovely beaches which I hear seem like paradise on earth.

Last but not the least, I would be very happy if I were to be able to take the JLPT this year. I shall only allow myself IF AND ONLY IF I can finish studying my materials. As of the present, I am stuck with Japanese for Today with six more lessons to go. At this rate, I doubt if I will be able to study my other materials. Maybe I'll just take the exam next year at the latest.

Less than 130 days to go...

Reconnecting

After years of questioning the meaning of life and the purpose of my existence for many years now since I became totally conscious of the things happening around and inside me, I have finally accepted this life--- with its ups and downs, with a heart bursting with positive optimism despite the prevalence of negativity and the immanence of chaos.

For many years I have rebelled against the established order and because people were repulsed at my odd behavior, I decided to get away from as many people as I could on my own volition. I reasoned that most would never understand what goes on in my mind anyway, and even with countless explanations, they would never be able to grasp why on earth I had woken up one day and changed from a bubbly cheerful girl to an egocentrically cynical rebel. I always look back at that moment in my life as my "FALL-AFTER-ENLIGHTENMENT" stage since prior to the transformation, I have had always been patient and understanding, or rather, a devout disciple of Ecclesiastes.

The transformation came about, though, when suddenly the mind expanded too suddenly. With too much experience I gained in many things and with too much reading, I gave in to the thought that humans are evil by nature. Also, since I have seen how people would do everything even steal from or hurt others, I have resolved to keep human relations to a minimum.

I have seen and witnessed people who would steal ideas from others and give no credit to the deserving person. I have then realized that being SILENT is also akin to LYING, as both conceal the truth. I have seen people abusing the goodness of a person. Take it from the younger me who gives all and helps all and did not mind much if she got nothing. But even the most kindhearted person gets tired because of leeches and freeloaders who ask too much from a person and then take that person for granted. And then there are difficult people who are so self-righteous they think that they are always right even though one can easily see how flawed their logic is and how distorted their thinking is. There are a whole lot more types of people that can really trigger a sudden change in one innocent person and turn him or her into a monster.

And a monster I have become, for several years now. The once thoughtful girl became apathetic. And with that came profound sadness and loneliness, a cold black blanket that can never give warmth to a human soul. Alienation seems to be the only way to cope and to at least keep one's sanity intact. But alienation itself is a double-edged sword, the more one is alienated, the more one despairs and the more one feels like he/ she is forced to speed down the abyss of nothingness.

Perhaps Heidegger is right, that the only way to bear this life is to find our authentic selves and in order to do that, one needs to interact with others. For it is only by relating ourselves with others that we find purpose, it is only by doing so that we get to know more about our own selves, it is only by doing so that we can find happiness (which is also espoused by Aristotle).

Difficult as it may be to try to go back to what I was, I have resolved to do it. Pride gets in the way more often than not, but I'm trying to manage this pride which "breeds only sorrow" (to quote Emily Bronte) for me. Slowly I am reconnecting to the people who matter to me.

Science, Math, and Chaos

Taking up an STS (Science, Technology, and Society) course in college has a profound effect on my life. Not only was I able to learn many new things about science, I learned to appreciate the role of science in our  everyday life. STS let me see that science indeed plays a vital role in addressing the problems the world faces today. In highschool, I used to think of science as the reason why everything got extra complicated in this world. The advent of new technologies contributed to increasing social fragmentation, not to mention destruction of the environment. But the very reason why I shunned science was because I really didn't believe anything I learned in high school- I always thought something was amiss, like all those theories do not really mirror phenomena in reality. So in college, while I considered to take up Mathematics, I decided to pursue foreign languages instead, with my love for literature and etymologies prevailed over mathematical abstractions. (Or perhaps blame it to the fact that I wasn't much informed about possible careers after studying Mathematics in college... It came too late.)

In STS class, which I took three years ago, the students are lucky to listen to lectures by different professionals, from engineers and scientists to historians, forensic experts, and archaeologists. The topics are diverse but the main point is that one cannot escape science as it pervades every aspect of our reality. In particular, I was very much inspired by the lecture given by Amador Muriel. He talked about turbulence and quantum theory, though mostly he just talked about himself which made me view him as an egocentric, self-centered old man who keeps on enumerating his achievements and how he survived in the West although he came from a poor family in a Third World Country. Despite my aversion to all those self-praise talk, I must say that I honestly admire this man for his struggles, how he made it big despite his poor origins. Another is that in enumerating his numerous mentors, one can say that he takes pride in his academic pedigree and as such gives credit to and rightly acknowledges the people who have contributed to who he is now.

Back in college, my friends know me as a spendthrift who only buys books from Booksale and who seldom gets the required readings. But when he announced that his book is now available, I didn't think twice. I just had to have the book. The book isn't that expensive, which is a good thing, and students could get autographs right then and there. I bought his book "Folding Water: The Search for a Quantum Theory of Turbulence" which was co-authored by Ninotchka Rosca. I almost never had the book autographed because of students suddenly flocked to him like moths to a flame. I braved the crowd. He asked me what I am studying and I answered, "European Languages." He wrote a short note on the first page of the book:

"Melo:

              Look up to the

       allusions to

       Europe.

                   A. Muriel"

It was the first time I got a book signed by the author. It instantly became one of my prized books. And when I read it from cover to cover, I was more than sure that never shall this book go out of my collection. It's more detailed compared to the lecture and I wasn't at all surprised that this book is also a memoir in addition to its being a book on quantum mechanics meant for the layperson.

Not long after, I got interested in chaos theory. Reading short articles online increased my appetite for chaos. At that time, I described my life as chaotic. I was a lost kid in a jungle of civilization. Suddenly everything I know crumbles, it feels like being a witness to widescale destruction a la Inception (yes, that movie by Christopher Nolan where scenes of crumbling edifices are many) and I didn't know where to start from.

One day as if by chance, I found a book at Booksale which costs just P75. The title of the book is "Chaos: Making a New Science", authored by James Gleick. I knew I had to buy it. As soon as I got home, I read the book and was enlightened as to why I became averse to science in high school. In high school, we were taught that this happens assuming this is the case. In short, it was highly idealistic. But chaos, as Gleick writes, "poses problems that defy accepted ways of working in science." Moreover, high school science lacked the interdependence of disciplines and thus provided an unrealistic view of phenomena. Physics for example was isolated from biology and chemistry. Each subject was compartmentalized. Chaos on the other hand, brings together different disciplines in an attempt to investigate global nature of systems. When a child, who yearns to make sense of the world around her and who sees the intricate web of relations of things, is made to study a subject without reference to other disciplines, she quickly loses interest. I do not know if this holds true to others but it does to me.

Gleick's book is meant for the layperson. It traces the beginnings of the study of chaotic systems and chaos itself. It narrates the development of such subject as other disciplines like mathematics, physics, chemistry, and biology advanced, or the other way around. Gleick also briefly sketched the important contributors to chaotology (study of chaos), from Lorenz to Mandelbrot, to Feigenbaum and Libchaber, to the scholars of Santa Cruz. I also appreciated how the book attempts to enumerate the many applications and relations of chaotology in other dsiciplines including economics, philosophy, art, and literature.

Reading the book made me wonder what if I took up Mathematics instead of foreign languages. Then maybe I would be very good at working with computers. Then maybe I would be dabbling in chaos. Then maybe I would be able to offer an explanation as to why my life is chaotic.

Busy Wednesday

So this week's schedule is super hectic again with many revisions to do. Finally was able to submit the long overdue monitoring sheets. I really do not plan to submit them because first and foremost, it's NOT part of my task. I'm already busy as it is and I certainly do not want extra work which are not supposed to be part of my task scope. But apparently the highly capitalistic institution plans to drain the teachers of their energy. Instead of focusing on upgrading academic materials, they want us to focus on clerical work instead, which for me is just too much.

So last night I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning to try to finish at least the illustrations. I failed ultimately, being overcome by the need to sleep since I have been sleepless since November of last year. And it is bad since I am also under stress a lot. These days it's hard to escape from pressure and stress. It's been a long time since I enjoyed a good movie. It's been a long time since I felt free from the cares of the world. But this is the path I have chosen and I shall do the best I can to finish this whole madness.

Sometimes it makes me think why on earth am I obsessed with the academe. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it to be subject to stress and debilitating work. But the academe provides an environment for critical thinking. It allows for free movement of ideas. While it surely debilitates the body, it does nourish the mind and the soul. I think this is one reason why despite the many arduous tasks I choose to be part of the academe. It's just that there are times when you feel like a machine always working past bedtime, always guilty of overworking. You have to follow rules. You have to make sure that you submit the requirements on time. It's a mechanical cycle supposed to inculcate in the student the discipline required to survive, but which actually renders him/ her an automaton with no need for social life, with no need for laughter, for the pleasures of life. Such is the fast-paced culture that is now associated with the academe.

So I promise myself to end everything as soon as possible. I just hope that those horoscopes are all wrong. They say that this year I will have an extremely hectic schedule, That I will be very busy. I can feel it now. But I won't let it eat me alive. I'd rather put up a good fight. Because a warrior resides in me. Because I am an empowered thinking individual capable of overcoming the challenges of life. Because I am a passionate lover and student of life.

So busy the past weeks. So busy today. Will probably be busy tomorrow and the day after next. But what the hell. A bright future awaits.