First Night in Madrid

I still remember the first time I set foot in Europe. My first stop was Madrid. A day before, I was with A who stayed with me until I checked in in the wee hours of the morning. I don't know why he had to do something like that. I didn't want to assume anything anymore because I've been countless times and I just got tired of guessing what I was to him. Still, I must admit that I was happy when he accompanied me. He gave me three things initially--- a jacket, a journal with leather covers, and a Parker pen with my nickname engraved on it. As I was about to leave, he handed me an 8GB flash drive which looks like a PVC card. It was my first time to see something like that. Looking back, those things really came in handy. I used the jacket for sleeping since my other two jackets are not comfortable for such. The flash drive came in handy whenever I needed to print important stuffs here and also good for exchanging files with people who became my friends here.

I didn't book any hotel on my first night in Madrid, thinking of staying the night at the airport to save money. But in the airport I met two Filipinos and I decided to go with them as I was in dire need of sleeping comfortably on a bed after 20 hours of travel. One of them happened to book AirBNB so we just contacted the landlady to request for two additional beds.

AirBNB room shared with two other Filipinos

The two Filipinos checked out very early the next morning, leaving me alone. I realized that sunrise is at around 9:00 AM! So I decided to make the most of WIFI and searched how to get to my hostel where I would stay for three nights.

my first meal in Madrid: a can of Century tuna and Rebisco crackers for breakfast

The electrical outlet is not compatible with my chargers but good thing I had my power bank.

When the sun was already up, I left the AirBNB. God, did I had a hard time getting all my stuff downstairs because there was no lift! Our bedroom was on the third floor. Ugh! It was just the start of my battles as I would learn later on because the metro near my hostel DOES NOT have a lift and so poor me had to drag all my stuffs up the stairs slowly. And then I got lost trying to look for my hostel in Lavapies' labyrinthine streets. An old lady to whom I asked directions offered to help me with my stuffs but I refused because there I was, half her age and huffing and puffing! It was embarrassing to say the least. I kind of regretted bringing a lot of canned goods and other foodstuff!

Madrid's pebbled streets in Lavapies

 So imagine my joy when I finally got inside my hostel where I rested for a few hours before going out to see what Madrid has to offer. Of course I also took advantage of the WIFI to check out nearby places of interest since I wanted to rest early.

La Santa Iglesia Catedral Metropolitana de Santa María la Real de la Almudena (aka Almudena Church)
This church is the seat of the Archdiocese of Madrid

Inside the Almudena Church's crypt which reminded me of the arches of Cordoba's mezquita.

Palacio Real de Madrid where the King of Spain used to live before transferring to Palacio de Zarzeula.

When I arrived back at the hostel, I quickly became friends with a fellow hostelmate, a traveler from Malaysia. I shared to her a pack of Indomie and we talked about many things. Her family lives in Sabah and she knows the Tausug group saying that some of her distant relatives live in Zamboanga. Later on, a new hostelmate arrived, a girl from Mexico. We hit it off instantly and this Mexican girl and I shared a very special bond especially after she massaged me one night because of my sore muscles probably because of dragging my luggage. I think fondly of her because she took care of washing and drying our clothes. That's my kind of girl, one who is open and not selfish. No wonder we found ourselves roaming the streets of Madrid for the next few days until she sent me off when I decided to go to the south.

To be continued....

Three Months and Going Strong

More than three months of living away from my beloved country opened my eyes to the harsh realities of the world and when such things happen, you begin to lose faith in humanity. I found some Filipino groups here (not communities as they are very far from the concept of community as source of support) and it breaks my heart to learn that what they say about Filipinos trying to take advantage of fellow Filipinos is actually true. I find this a big disgrace since Filipinos are always known for being warm and hospitable but as it turns out it is exclusively for foreigners. Very few would be happy to help fellow Filipinos, nor can they find peace when they know of other Filipinos' success. This is a far cry from the early overseas Chinese who were able to organize themselves and form associations with the full understanding that in union there is strength and that their cultural survival is very important, as well as the maintenance of ties with the Motherland. Of course the stories abound and such organizations are not without difficulties and not without shameless scrupulous persons who take advantage of immigrants' vulnerability.

I got to know some Filipinos from three main groups. The first is from a group of Filipinos who received scholarships to study here, with whom I have maintained contact. The second is a small group of INC adherents whom I got to know for only a short period of time. The third group is actually not a group but rather scattered Filipinos I met as I continue my journey. I have interacted more with the first group. They are mostly fresh graduates predominantly from DLSU though some graduated from UP, ADMU, and a significant percentage from the Visayas. This group comes from rich families, as they share their stories of having to shoulder their own plane fares to and from PH. Most of the UP students I got to know share experiences which I also observe in other persons in the same group: the rich ones are super liberated and the girls post a lot of sexy bikini photos on their Whatsapp and Facebook. We just laugh it off as something shallow because it is very much clear that they went abroad to find foreign men. White Lovers as we call them. Interestingly, most of the UP students I got to meet are pretty much homebodies like me and we are in the same age group so definitely we do not belong to the latter batches who mostly are rich (Like, do you even see students from poor rural areas in UP? So many things have changed), and prefer going solo when travelling. That just saves a lot of energy. Imagine having to travel with a bunch of annoyingly flirty people who just cannot live without partying. I don't even understand that culture and for me it is repulsive. Why would you pay for something that will make you feel uncomfortable? No thanks. I am happy exploring on my own or simply staying in my flat reading books, watching movies, or simply cooking.

Also, the complaints I hear whenever they tell me stories vary. For instance, these DLSU people form cliques of their own and they IGNORE everyone else. I met only one DLSU graduate who was different and who can mingle with different types of persons. She likes partying and drinking and is quite liberated, telling me about her sexual exploits even! She is an open book and it is clear that she is like that because she values connections for her "future projects".

When the first group encountered some problems with the regional government, instead of demanding transparency and accountability they would prefer to keep silent. One even said, "do not bite the hands that feed you". So poor of him to have poor intellect with very little understanding of how the world works. Rich countries do not offer scholarships just because they are feeling generous. They do so for many reasons. One, the local population is stupid. (Just imagine USA... without the immigrants, it will die because the immigrants especially from Israel, Middle East, and East Asia contribute to the betterment of society with their bright ideas. As in the past when the immigrants provided backbreaking labor to build the infrastructures, so too now they are the source of the US' intellectual capital.) Second, they need to coopt target nationalities to have "allies" in the countries. I have always wanted to study abroad to gain experience but then I am thinking if I get brainwashed then I won't be able to serve my country well. So, no thanks. How many Filipino scholars have continued to fight for the marginalized after studying abroad? I even have a personal experience of being taken advantage of BY A PROFESSOR who was a product of Cambridge University no less. And my ex, a product of Australian education system, idolizes the West so much that I question his loyalty to the country. He in turn points out that I am partly Chinese and at present when China is becoming stronger economically and militarily, I often get insults from him. Like, duh. I always tell him that I am never a dog of anyone and that my principles and my beliefs are my own and not imposed on me by friends in the media or any "influential" person in the West. It doesn't matter how many years I spent in formal schools, I am able to retain my own self-identity because yes I attend classes, but this autodidactic is an explorer who refuses to be limited by books and the four walls of the classroom, more so by the media which is EXTREMELY BIASED AND UNBALANCED because for all we know they are paid by the rich and the powerful (Hello, Rappler and PDI!). So anyway, the third reason why rich countries attract bright students from other countries is for their own locals to experience interculturality and multiculturalism without having to spend bucks to travel abroad.

So it's funny that in the 19th century it was the Filipino middle class who initiated the reforms although it should be noted that history has been replete with small rebellions led by the poor who could no longer bear that injustices brought on them.  At present, I do not know what educators teach the students because their view of democracy is limited only to "majority wins" and to elections. I am even more disappointed to find that there is a UST professor among them who cautioned against sending a letter to the regional government and this UST professor studied abroad and teaches history. I shudder to imagine what she teaches to her students! I am equally disappointed in a UP professor among them who is so cowardly I lost whatever respect I initially had for her. But oh well, she is also a product of western universities so "do not bite the hand that feeds you" applies. I talked to her once about this in the hope of encouraging her to move but cowardice produces illogical excuses. I stopped talking to her after that.

The second group shares almost the same views as I do and they are composed of OFWs who work as domestic workers. I had the honor of being invited to their Sunday worship. Before that, we exchanged experiences and ideas on PH politics and how it is affecting the lives of ordinary people. Most educators focus a lot on the state and on "important" people without giving a damn f*ck about those at the bottom. I got to know more about INC stand on many things because of them. Apparently they don't like Rappler and ABS-CBN for the same reason I have--- they find these two media VERY biased and very elitist. I have been reading Rappler for the past few years but honestly I find it very bad journalism. The "journalists" cannot even write decent articles, and what is equally insulting is that it is very clear that it reflects bourgeois sentiments. What do we expect when the journalists themselves come from the rich??? And their bias is more obvious these days because of their anti-Duterte stand. Like, Rappler, honestly, does the Liberal Party or maybe that grand PH secret leader finance your operations??? So okay I also do not like Duterte but GIVE THE GUY A CHANCE! Here finally we have someone with political will but let's HELP instead of continuously criticizing him! (I am a teeny weeny bit pro-EJK, but I also want to see THE MASTERMINDS punished, those AT THE TOP and not just the poor. In fact, I want all public officials guilty of corruption to BE PUBLICLY EXECUTED to serve as warning to the future leaders and to remind them that their duty is to SERVE the Filipinos and not to destroy the country. Yes I have come to such extreme belief because PH politics is beyond hope and the society is full of brainwashed cowards.)

The third group are also domestic workers who just do not give a damn about what's going on. They only care about themselves and keep on comparing how others are faring. This is the envious group, as I label them. They're not as interesting as the second group but I would also listen to their stories of hardship and loneliness, including their sexual adventures here.

And speaking of romantic relationships, the ex has been asking me if I was dating anyone here. Stupid question. Until now he insults me because he does not know me well enough. Poor guy probably met shallow women all his life that he finds it hard to accept that there are strong independent women out there who can live abroad without men. Never compare me with other girls. I travel to learn more about myself and the world we live in, not to flirt with other men. Like, ewwww, I've had enough of stupid men in my life. I am on a vacation so I am supposed to enjoy and not bring hell into my life.

February Carnival 2018

The 11th and 18th of February was the first time I experienced seeing a carnival abroad. I went on two Sundays in the same town since it was so cold and I didn't want to risk ending up in cold places. Below are some of the photos I took.

The carnival performers all had very elaborate costumes and the whole dance procession took around an hour. The cold didn't seem to bother the dancers as most wore skimpy and sexy outfits!

Carnival Queen

Smells Like Old Spirit

Going on a long vacation on a small budget and bringing along my external hard disk with me, I woke up one morning thinking why the hell I accumulated all these movies yet I didn't have the time to watch them. The same goes with my books which, to my family's great dismay, ended up in almost 20 big boxes. We only knew how many I had when we moved house last year. Heh! (Reminds me of Maestra, Switters' grandma in Tom Robbins' "Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates", a literary companion I planned to leave in this country I am in now, except I find it so hilarious and such a literary gem that I am having second thoughts... On the other hand, this is a practice on detachment. Let's see what will happen around July.) 

I guess I was too busy at work and school, too busy doing things for others, for my family, for friends, and for that special someone. Then again when push comes to shove, I have proven that only family will be there for you. So starting 2017 I have been more family-centered and have gone out less with friends, putting my family at the topmost priority, even before work. (In case you are wondering, work is not even in my top 5. Yes, it is important, but I realized after graduation that work only pays the bills but does not nurture the soul much. I had fun in all my jobs, but I know I am in the wrong place. But I stayed on working for private companies while being compensated not so handsomely because you know how capitalists work. I mean, they don't work, they let other people do the work for them for a measly sum, and that's how we perpetuate this stupid system that widens the gap between the rich and the poor.

After I graduated from college, all I wanted was to be of service to my country. I know that a person of my skill is much needed. In all the job interviews I've been to, the interviewers look at me with much awe and almost always exclaims, "You are such a rare breed!". Breed. As if I am some kind of an animal domesticated, engineered by humans to serve their purpose, not mine. But being someone who sees the good in everything I take it as a compliment. When you meet a person who speaks many languages fluently, and some languages that enables her to survive in different countries, I guess you will also be amazed. But I realized, I don't want to be seen as just that because I am more than that. I am also human, flesh and blood. I get hurt, I cry easily, I laugh easily, I have my idiosyncrasies that, if you are a capitalist or a friendly user, you don't need to know me in that level, you will only know me and befriend me for the fact that you know I can be of use to you someday. Pretty much how 95% of the people are in the office until I couldn't take it anymore and finally called it quits. Same with the "friends", those people whom I spent time with and whom I loved truly for who they are but who ended up just, you know, people who are engrossed in this materialistic world they don't care about other people.

But anyway, back to how I would have loved to serve my country... I got opportunities but they were small opportunities and I felt like an instrument. Like, whenever I remember how a professor hired me to do archival research and translations for her but ended up getting paid only PHP 5,000.00 per month, I cannot see how she sleeps soundly at night when she tells her stories to others about how, as a PhD student in Cambridge, she was grateful to have been hired as a library assistant which gave her extra money. (To benchmark, PHP 5,000 is monthly salary of graduate assistants who do clerical work. What I was doing was research and yet she paid me the same amount she pays to someone who just arranges her class readings and staples them. She could have added extra, just because my work was totally different and requires special skills. And yet there she was, knowing fully well my capabilities and work ethics and taking advantage of me who was a penniless archaeology student doing freelance jobs and paying my own tuition so I often worried about going on LOA every semester because I might not have enough money to pay. Talk about hypocrisy. That was my first brush with hypocritical "intellectuals", but I do know that there are true intellectuals out there, those who embody not just honor and excellence, but also service and compassion. My parents did offer to pay although they couldn't understand what got me in such adiscipline that demands money, time, and effort with no monetary returns. I couldn't tell them "THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS ABOUT." (But I guess what I understood from their kind gesture even though I stopped getting money from them after I finished my undergraduate course while working part-time for our family business for no salary, just allowances which was just enough for me to photocopy some readings and I had to walk instead of taking the jeepney to be able to save up for books... is that, you know, family will always be there for you, even if they may not, or if you think they may not, understand you fully well.)

But I guess before going on this long vacation, what really made me sure of my conviction that family will always be there for you is that, my mother arranged for my transport needs to haul away all my things from my dorm and office to our house. I already negotiated with two friends on that, one for backup just in case the other will have unexpected things to attend to. I didn't think of asking anyone from the family because I know they are always busy and I also know (or think) that I am low on their priority list as evidenced by many times I have been let down in the past, thus I was almost always a no-show in my friends important events. (Looking back though, I was able to attend two debut parties of my friends, and my first year-end party in my last company because my brother agreed to pick me up. Looking back, I was able to watch Phantom of the Opera because my dad agreed to be my date as he was concerned for my safety going home late. So maybe, even though I bore grudges against my family especially my parents for not allowing me to really get into the things I wanted, I guess they grounded me in reality in the fact that they made me realize that life is not just about art or literature or music, that it is also about WORKING, being independent, earning your own money so you can get the things that you want and need without depending on anyone, or better yet, in my words, WITHOUT USING ANYONE. (But the idea of working in the humanities is beyond them coz many artists and writers died broke and I know they are just afraid for me if I become engrossed in the pursuit of excellence in those fields.) Early on, as a grade 2 student, my mother taught me how to check receipts of payables. That made me do well in math later on until of course, being a lover of abstract ideas, I really fell in love with math eventually when I discovered its beauty... and chaos theory. LOL. So I ended up taking trigonometry (Math 17, said to be the deciding factor for engineering students because many who got in the program fail in this subject before the 50 series) right after I finish my undergraduate course and so I didn't attend the college graduation rites because I was in class and I didn't want to be absent in class. It was the first time I paid for my own tuition fee and so I felt more responsible and more serious, compared to my undergraduate days wherein I always end up sleeping in class, or being late (I had a bad reputation back then and was notorious for my tardiness thus earning the ire of many teachers).

And this blog entry feels like a small trip down memory lane. I guess this vacation is doing me good. I feel like an old person on her retirement. It's been a little more than a month living in a country so far from home. I had no one to depend on so I cook my own food, wash my own clothes, and just look after my health with extra care because I certainly cannot afford to get sick in a foreign land. So I adopted fully my being Chinese here, adopted the thousand years old tradition of preparing healthy and delicious food, by experimenting on many different things. My diet consists of veggies and fruits and little meat and carbohydrates while this winter cold persists. Of course I miss fried chicken and much as I hate the US, I do confess that I miss KFC, especially hot shots which have been my comfort food when I was staying in the dorm. (And I do miss the fried chicken in the stalls in the friendly neighborhood, the ones which come with sweetly spiced vinegar... And of course, who doesn't miss adobo?)

Oh yeah and before I forget, after one month of living here, I discovered many things about myself, that indeed I am a Cooking Master Girl! LOL. Having tasted many different food in my travels allowed me to get a very nice understanding of how different treatment of veggies and meats and fruits. One only needs to know their essential characteristics and unleash all creativity in the kitchen to bring out their best flavors. I did. And this is called living in the moment for me, being resourceful, being conscious. It's like when you date a person, you want to know about him, what makes him tick, what makes hims sad, what brings out different emotions in him, so you can support him better and bring out the best in him. But at least with food you are rewarded with good health, elated tastebuds, and happy tummy. With dating, you need to invest in the right person otherwise, you end up being drained because you give the good in you away getting nothing in return.

So there my rants and my reflections on life in general. This vacation is meant to heal me from all the negativities I let in without a thought all these years. It was a difficult process, sometimes I doubt myself if I will return to my country with a whole and happy heart again, sometimes I feel afraid of losing myself but I am taking it slow. Instead of hopping from one place to the other, I chose to stay in one place, savor the moments, enjoy the moment, no haste, no deadlines, just plain relaxation while I spend my hours walking, watching movies, reading "Fierce Invalids" (which I am reading at a very slow pace because I don't want to part with it yet), and several ebooks in between. And my offline Youtube videos don't work here which sucks so I watch very few videos. Ugh!

Sagada Memories in Photos Part 1

Yorghurt House's omelette: my first meal on my second trip to Sagada. I had breakfast with two stranger-turned-friends. Met the two upon arrival at the town hall. They were also part of the planting project.

mixed fruits yoghurt: simple delight after a light meal

Sagada Brew

The famous Lemon Pie House which I still haven't tried. More reasons to go back. :)

T, K, and I saw this along the way when we explored the town. The first thing that came to mind upon seeing this was fat fried chicken! They laughed. It's not everyday that I get to see super chubby chickens.

Yoghurt House. Fond memories <3

The inscription reads "SAGADA AD 1921". The bell is located inside the church complex.

K and I encountered this house which I believed to be William Henry Scott's house. They say his library is still pretty much alive, but that most books have been discarded. AWWWWTS!!!

Sagada Weaving. The weavers of Sagada make excellent quality bags. On this trip I added a mailbag and a coin purse to my collection of woven bags. Next time I am buying one of those more pricey but more elegant bags for formal events.

Rocky Valley Inn and Cafe. Across this establishment we hanged out and waited t be picked up by one of the project leaders.

Took this photo while we were toured on wheels so not a lovely angle but I at least was able to snap a photo of the place where we used to stay way back in 2012.

chicken pesto past at P250:  it's light and it's tasty

Side stop to Lake Danum late in the afternoon only to be met by thick fog. I love sunsets but I also like fog (as long as no smoke is mixed in LOL) That is me in my 7 year old camisa de chino which dates back to my archaeo days and which I now wear for planting work.

In front of this altar I prayed and cried twice. Prayed for God to show me the way, to enlighten my mind, to lead me to peace, to lead me to the right people who can be truly family to me and who will treat me right. I remember the Light and I renew my vow to make her proud. I know she'd love to see finish my masters.

Corn and rice planted alternately on these mini terraces. The smell of both waft in the air. I super love Sagada!!!

The super cozy wooden cabin house where we stayed.  Super nice interiors.

Around this bonfiire we hanged out, debated, and told stories.

Just some random extra cute shiny beetle.

I got to try eating using this biodegradable plate. Yum yum! The pinikpikan is to die for. Never mind that it requires tortured chicken huhu. But the taste is exquisite.

the incubation area for seedlings before they are transferred to Mother Earth.

Sagada Memories: Stories

On the third week of June, I joined a coffee-planting volunteer work in Sagada. It was the perfect time to unwind, to go somewhere far where I had been and meet new people in the process. I was a bit heartbroken a few days prior because for the nth time, he hurt my feelings. Many would say that I am too sensitive. I do admit that, but it's only because I take great care not to offend nor hurt the ones I love that I expect the same from them. This June opened my eyes to the reality that he never loved me. He never cared for me and he never respected me. As I have said in my previous post, he is just a pretentious boy who has to rely on deceit to get by. Strong people would never resort to such lowly tactics because strong people protect, they do not hurt other people. So if there is one truth he said, it is that he is weak. He can brag about his many achievements, but those things do not define a  man; relations do, being a mindful and compassionate person does.

A few days before I left for Sagada, we met up because he needed help and I, as usual, wanted to be there for him. Only to be disrespected. We met his friends and they were talking in their own native language, without even thinking if I felt out of place. I can catch some of the words thanks to my training in Bahasa but most I do not comprehend. I felt so sleepy (as usual) after our dinner at a simple eatery. The place serves really good grilled stuff mostly grilled chicken (no squid though...). I got offended when he invited his FEMALE friend (whom he says is already engaged.. or married? I don't care) to swim at his place, WHEN HE NEVER INVITED ME. And he was just super insensitive and kept on asking me what's wrong with me. A boy can never comprehend a woman when he refuses to take the effort to. Then came one of the most heartbreaking part when he left me alone in the streets at night all of a sudden, bringing my backpack down on the ground and walking away to hail a cab. At least he was still nice enough to carry my heavy backpack that night (#sarcasm).

But we patched things up that night. Yet after that night, things were never the same again. I didn't even cry when it happened. It opened my eyes that I was dating an immature boy who only cares about himself. He says I was controlling him. He was swallowed by paranoia, thinking that me helping him meant I wanted to control him. It only made me see that the relationship is really going nowhere. He never did trust me, despite him always saying he does so. That incident made me rethink our relationship, made me question my choices to love him with all my heart. You can always love a person, but should stop when that person refuses to be loved. Take it or leave it, there's no in-between.

So going back to Sagada, which should be the heart of this post: the night of my departure, I told him I was in the bus terminal, hoping he would come visit me even for a while to see me off. Nothing of the sort happened. Stubborn me, I reprimanded myself back then. Why did I keep on hoping for him to do things for me??? He couldn't even face my parents, he had to be forced to meet my sisters. With a heavy heart I left Manila for Sagada, that place in the north where he traveled with his French girlfriend whom he is proud to have. He always is proud to have had a French girl and even planned to marry her despite that circumstances in which they met. What decent guy would marry a girl who got drunk and got inside a stranger's room to make out with a stranger? And I being idealistic, believing in the power of humans to change, didn't make much of it. The present is always more important. So while in the bus, when I was not sleeping I was crying. Coz... they play sappy music in the bus... Makes me remember the days when he was sweet to me and makes me wonder if he really did love me, even one bit. (Okay I will stop, he clearly DOES NOT!!! Dear girl, quit your delusions!)

In Sagada, I met nice people who somehow took my mind off him. I met interesting women. One is an almost 40 year old woman but still looks young, probably because of her outlook in life. She is very motherly and it makes me wonder why no guy pursued her. (But oh well, only boys roam the world, boys who like the superficial.) She was with her friend who was able to study in Australia on a scholarship. The friend is a daughter of a former government official and although the family name is extraordinary, I failed to make a connection until later. In fact, they had to tell me. LOL. Another is a quiet woman, already married and whose husband is working abroad. She is a businesswoman and has made herself financially independent thus allowing herself to travel alone even without the support of her husband. But my heart was shattered when I learned that she is having an affair. Just what is wrong with the world??? We had a heart-to-heart talk before we parted ways and that was when she shared her story. I, of course, cautioned her against continuing the affair. I told her, that I understand her needs; her husband is away, but THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. When you marry someone, you commit to the relationship, you commit to being a good wife to your husband (or being a good husband to your wife). Besides, the person she's having an affair with is also married and has kids. Being a homewrecker will not make her happy. So I shared with her how my dad destroyed my view of males, how angry I was (still am) at him when we learned of his affairs. And I asked her to think what if his child grows up to be like me? I reminded her that this is no win-win situation.

I was reminded of the time when someone asked me out for a date but who turned out to be already married. When I found out, I already liked him a bit. But you will know how strong you are when you are able to walk away from temptations. And I just did. So whenever I think of my frailty, I will always think of that moment when I fought myself hard to do the right thing before our "friendship" deepens and before I do something that will cause me guilt all of my life. That is how fidelity works. You nip it in the bud. You do as Ulysses did when he ordered his men to tie him up and put ear plugs on to resist the seductive sirens. Such preventive mechanism will enable you to step away from things that you will regret later. They say that affairs usually start out as innocent friendship. But it blossoms because you spend too much time together than necessary. You know you are in big trouble when you are more concerned about this extra lover than about your official lover (i.e. husband/ wife). It is also this reason that whenever I talk to my male friends, I would make it a point to tell them about A, to send the message that I am already off-limits. (Only to find out later on that he dated a girl in his class with whom he shared my work and he told her that "we used to date". "Used to" when at that time we were still good. So what does that make him?)

So going back to the people I met in Sagada... There was this one doctor who seemed to have not yet moved on  from his breakup. I don't know the full story but "motherly friend" (hereinafter T) and "popular daughter" (hereinafter K) told me that he was all out in his recent relationship and was disappointed because the girl's efforts were minute compared to his. He was emphasizing EFFORT. I do understand where he is coming from and I feel sorry for  him. Girls normally put in much effort, too much effort even, for the men they love. But then, I also acknowledge that bitches also exist. (Of course we only got to hear his side of the story... So okay, the skeptic in me is making a lot of questions... LOL) One evening, I joined them around the campfire. They were drinking and chatting. I just wanted to see how they drink. I like observing people when I am not engaging them. So I sat beside T and K and he invited me to sit closer to him. Of course, I didn't do that because he was already drunk. They offered me a drink and I put a former professor's wise words to practice. Since I don't drink I usually feel out of place. One way of still becoming one with the group is to accept the drink but to announce for everyone to hear that such is my first and last because I DO NOT DRINK. PERIOD. So no amount of coaxing will work. (I don't understand why people become alcoholic. Alcohol tastes bad.. EWWW!!!)

They asked me if I had any companion in the project (none), my reasons for joining (vacation break), and why I travel alone (to challenge myself, though actually the real challenge for me is travelling with incompatible companions). I think they were expecting me to say that I was looking for love in Sagada following the popularity of the movie "That Thing Called Tadhana". I forgot what our topic was but then when asked about something, I casually replied, "because boys are uncaring." And he couldn't accept it, demanding answers all night long until we had to put out the fire at 10PM. LOL. Funny experience! But the strange thing is, although he was drunk, I didn't feel scared of him. I normally distance myself from drunk people. Maybe because I sensed a loadful of loneliness and frustrations in him. Empath mode on again. Sigh. I will really drain myself out fast if this keeps going.

The only other person who doesn't drink is X (I forgot her name...). She graduated from a private all-girls' school known for social activism. Needless to say, she works in the development sector and plans to take up further studies abroad. She's a people person and it's not hard to see that she has a strong personality. Meeting her made me realize that most of those in the development sector come from well-off family and I came to formulate that there is a general pattern. No wonder those who are selected in foreign scholarship programs are mostly from rich families, because they have access to these experiences which are not readily available to the average person who is most likely to end up a corporate slave in a private firm (ehem). And it is a misconception that salaries in NGOs and social work are small. Heck no, they are even bigger compared to those in the corporate world. So it got me thinking, is this the modern day version of elite cooptation? Of course there are exceptions. I have a friend who was a product of the public school system and who had so much grit she was able to get one of the most coveted slots in Japanese scholarship program. 

I could have taken my time in getting to know everyone in the project. But then the group was big so my introvert self was screaming to be alone.

Tarak Ridge 01222017

My first hike this year happened in January, just when classes were starting. So before I get busy, I joined a group to hike in Tarak Ridge, the famed place where many get lost and where some ha to rescued because their supplies ran out while they tried to find their way back to the jump off point.

Never would I imagine that I would suffer almost the same fate were it not for my "detective" skills and rational thinking. At the onset, I was left behind by the group that I joined. So I hitched a ride with another group who were also headed to Tarak Ridge. I could have ditched the first group but then I worry about the organizer worrying about me although I was a fool to think that because he didn't even bother to count his members when they left the barangay hall. Stupid me is now left wondering what if I joined the group that took me to the jump-off point. They were a group of friends who like the outdoors... that means a solid group with common interests compared to a bunch of strangers clumped together by an organizer who couldn't even take care of his members.

But anyway, even without a friend, I was able to survive. I was with a group of newbies. I could tell by the things that they have, the "in" things of a "true mountaineer" except they are years away from becoming real mountaineers because 1. they are noisy in the mountains, 2. they do not care about the LNT principles, 3. they have no care about their fellow hikers, 4. they only hike for the selfies. Nothing wrong with number 4, but I observe that those I look up to do not take selfies. Instead, they take photos of the view. I, on the other hand, take photos of plants and whatever insects I encounter.

On the way to the top, I was first among the group, probably because the rest were already tired. On the way down, I took a wrong turn so I ended up in the middle. But then those in front of me were already far away. Those behind me were still not yet finished with selfies. So I found myself alone most of the time. And I almost got lost. Four freaking times. But good thing I was able to meet some hikers (not from our group) along the way so I at least wasn't so scared. But then nearing the river, a couple of times I almost took the wrong way. But good thinking saved me. Indicators of unused trails were clues. For instance, I noticed thick spider webs. Another is the sudden loss of footprints (thank God it rained a bit). Another is forced clearing of a path although the path is still not that obvious unless you look hard. When I finally was able to rejoin the group, one commented that "wow, you're really used to hiking alone, don't you feel scared?", he sounded like he couldn't believe that a nerd-looking gal like me could survive on my own. I told him with a smile, "of course I am afraid, this is Tarak Ridge after all. But then, you have here a strong, brave, independent, and smart woman."

And we got home very late, way behind the schedule because they all had to take a bath. I just wiped off dirt on my faces and arms with baby wipes since I prefer to take a long hot bath at home. So while they were bathing, I slept in the van.

*************************************************************************

But then people will not like you when you're too smart and too courageous for a typical woman. Well, if they think I was already too masculine, wait until they get to meet the women I look up to! Anyway, what that boy told me made me reflect on how people are swallowed by the dictates of society when it comes to masculinity and femininity, as if certain traits should only be for males! Why can't boys love a woman who is brave and smart? One theory says that the male ego is insecure when faced with a strong woman. (And it doesn't help that I have become rather wary of boys.) I want to see the day I meet a real man.

Indescribable 2016

The last day of 2016, I spent most of the day alone working on my INC's for the simple reason that I do not want to be stressed out early in 2017 when I should be preparing for another hardcore semester. I really am excited but then again whenever I think of the many times I fell sick this year, the many times I thought of either giving up on my dream to obtain an MA degree or resigning from the present company where I have learned a LOT, sometimes I wonder where everything is headed to. This year life presented me with many paths, provided me with glimpses to many possible trajectories in my life as I am nearing 30 (and yet I still feel like a high school student... some people really don't change much).

I don't know how best to describe 2016, except that probably within this year that again, the mind expanded so much. In addition to that, I started to be a real social being, more social than I could ever have imagined. When before I used to do things alone, 2016 let me share some of life's moments with a special someone. (While I am tempted to again reminisce about the good and bad days, I will not. Not in this entry. I will reserve that for part 2 of my open letter.) When friends, especially male ones, used to reprimand me for being too cloistered, it is in 2016 when I finally let down my defenses. Those barbed wires limped, even the snipers became neglectful, the walls came tumbling down. (Two male friends, both who tried to get involved with me romantically, described my social defenses as such, that despite my warmth towards people, I really do not welcome anyone into my very private life.) And it was such an unforgettable experience because I matured socially and got to know about the opposite sex on a level other than mere friendship.

Probably due to my huge loss last year, I seemed to really have thrown everything to the winds this year. I joined strangers on a lecture expedition in Negros and learned a great deal about botany, wondering why the hell I didn't pursue it in college. (But then whenever I immerse in different disciplines I would often think that. Even so, my heart still belongs to languages. Such is the woe of a universalist, time and resources are the greatest hindrances so in the end, one shall content herself in having small bites of everything, like in a buffet.) The whole experience somehow made me ready for the year, a year marked by my return to the academe in the hope of finally getting an MA degree.

Mazu festivities in the streets

street play outside the Mazu Temple

I met relatives in Taiwan. Unlike our relatives here in PH, they were nice to me. They remind me of our relatives in HK who are so hospitable sometimes I felt like a prisoner because they always want to tag along with me wherever I go and I couldn't find enough me time. In Taiwan they only let me wander on my own for just four hours and I visited a temple and it was an auspicious day because they were celebrating the birthday of Mazu (天上聖母, Holy Heavenly Mother). I had to take care of my grandmother and also, people are always worried and I don't want them getting anxious. (But then they should know I can manage on my own. I speak fluent Mandarin and I am good at navigating new places. Sigh.) But I am thankful to them because they told me a lot of stories (my mom almost never tell stories about our relatives) and they treated me to a lot of wonderful food, foremost of which is the famous fragrant fried chicken sold in the sidewalks. YUM!

Wat Phra Mahathat in Ayutthaya, Thailand

The only other country I traveled to aside from Taiwan is Thailand. I booked my plane ticket following another episode of heartache and it was the day before I left for Baguio to join strangers on a hike to Mt. Ulap. I visited a former classmate A and was introduced to W. The three of us shared the same bed and it was a good thing I brought my sleeping bag with me so I didn't need a blanket and still retained my privacy somehow. The sleeping bag ate up half the space of my backpack so I was not able to shop around much which is a disgrace since most would go there to shop for clothes. I only bought a pair of Thai trousers and hankies. (#loser) But anyway, next time I go there, I'll have check-in luggage. HMP.

There just are too many things to do in Thailand and five days are not enough. I remember my former professors who told us about how images of the king are everywhere. Indeed they are, especially since King Bhumidol passed away in October this year. The plazas and monuments are always FULL of mourners in black. WOW! When I walked around Sriraj Hospital and visited some museums there, I discovered why. The king was instrumental in the rapid modernization of Thailand (and now TH surpasses PH in terms of infrastructure!!! They have a subway and an airport railway that's comparable to HK... I wanna cry)

2016 is also the time I finally got to go on solo trips to other places in Visayas aside from Bohol and Aklan. In addition to Negros, I visited Tacloban and Iloilo. Tacloban counts as my least favorite place to go to for the many bad experiences, except that trip also gave me sweet memories because he would always call me every night to check up on me. I almost drowned while bathing in a waterfalls; I didn't know there were deep parts. The horrors. I also hiked on my own, then guided by a kid mid-way who probably took pity on me. That hike resulted to a number of scars on my arms and legs which got office people panicking when they saw me with those scratches, and more so when I told them I went solo hiking. I got disappointed when arriving at Palo, the only heritage structure I saw was the church. I did visit Basey, Samar though and walking on San Juanico Bridge from Leyte to Samar was an experience I cannot forget. Little girl no more as I conquered my fears of crossing bridges on foot alone even though the structure was trembling every time vehicles would pass by. Also, this was my first time to rebook another ticket because I had to be at the office earlier than expected. My original plan of 10 days' leave was cut down to three, but it was all good because I badly wanted to go home already.

crossing San Juanico Bridge on foot

In Iloilo I attended a conference on history but quickly regretted doing so. Then again, my trip was not wasted because I finally saw my fourth baroque church here in PH. So there, I have now seen all four UNESCO heritage churches. So despite the heartaches and despite him not contacting me save for a few emails, I am happy to have achieved something significant this year. I cannot forget the people here in Iloilo. I should have accepted an invite years ago so I could have also visited Guimaras. When R comes back from Germany, I'll plan a trip there for us and hopefully go island hopping. I'll never forget the generous people here who took me in for two nights and even showed me around UP Miag-ao and dropped me off to my next destination which was two towns away or so. The least I could do was buy a tub of ice cream for the house owner's eldest who just turned 5. I was so heartbroken I wasn't thinking straight and before I could realize what I was doing, I said yes to an invitation to spend the night at a stranger's house. All I could think of was that there I was throwing my life to winds, as in a hardcore way.

Miag-ao Church in Iloilo, finally visited all four baroque churches included in the UNESCO heritage list

In Zamboanga City I was not able to wander around freely but then that special someone became sweet and took me on a motorcycle ride at night to see certain tourist spots like Fort Pilar and the City Hall which was made colorful at night because of its many lights. I am very thankful to him for driving me around so I guess one of my fantasies came true, which is to ride as a passenger on a motorcycle. I wish we could do that again, probably in Siquijor or maybe Masbate or Marinduque. Meeting his parents made me nervous but then his family was nice to me so I didn't have a hard time being with them. It's just that of course sometimes I am reminded of certain things and most of the time I wanted to cry but had to hold everything in. It helped that he was sweet while we were there and I will always cherish those moments we had.

Zamboanga Temple (a.k.a. Avalokiteshvara Temple)

In Zamboanga I met the friends of my mentor in historical research. Like her, they were all very friendly and amiable. One even told my fortunes, but I'm not telling anyone. She told me three things which are very true of me, and I didn't even drop hints of that when we were chatting. One thing that struck me was that she correctly said that I am suffering from chest pains and heartache. Okay, I really should try to meditate and calm down and not think about my love life too much. I read an article once that too much heartache can literally kill. Not now when my research has finally took off. Another important milestone is the discovery of a potential sanctuary where I can retire one day. The Buddhist Temple there looked inviting and it was my first time to attend a Buddhist mass while on a trip. (The other choice was a temple in Malabon where my dear great grandmother was cremated.) Unfortunately I wasn't able to visit a mosque. Boo.

Ipo Watershed

Where do broken hearts go? Probably drifting off to nowhere. Those times when I was so heartbroken I would join strangers and go hiking. Still depressed over our breakup in June, I signed up to participate in a tree-planting activity and story-telling engagement with the kids in Ipo Watershed. It was some sort of field trip for me and I got to know more about watersheds and how we can protect them. I also remember feeling like it's been years since I last saw the skies so blue. Following days of nonstop crying, the trip proved to be helpful in making me see the beauty of the world. The last few days of October, feeling betrayed and again depressed, I said yes to traverse Mt. Ulap. I invited a newfound friend whom I met during the tree-planting activity. A humble fellow who seemed to have easily warmed up to me. In one of our stops, I took the opportunity to lie down on the grass and savor the smell of the mountains in the north. Again, I was reminded of the beauty of the world.

Mt. Ulap traverse

2016 also marks the second time I showed Indonesian exchange students around. The National Museum had a free movie screening of the documentary "Call of Our Forefathers" and I invited them to watch with me. It was about Muslim Mindanao and I figured they might be interested. We had lunch at Robinsons Manila where I treated them to Vietnamese fare at Pho Bac. We also went to Solidaridad Bookstore and then were stuck in heavy traffic going to Makati only to head back to QC.

textile exhibit at the National Museum

In October, I watched dance performances at the Asian Center in UP. Pesta Igal was organized by a professor with whom I share the same interests. If I weren't too shy I would one day engage him in a conversation to talk about dances and ethnic music.

Pesta Igal

Another highlight this year is that I finally was able to push through with my first Ramadan experience. I have been telling myself to join our Muslim brothers and sisters for this and this year I succeeded. But I only did semi-fasting because I badly need water. For five weeks I fasted which coincided with my summer classes. It was difficult of course but eventually I got the hang of it. ON the last day though, I almost fainted in the school grounds. I had to take a leave to rest and rejuvenate. The heartache, sleepless nights, sudden fasting, stress at work, and depression all played a part in this. I badly wanted to just die and get over everything. For two months after that, my appetite was greatly reduced, much to the surprise of many.

In terms of skills, I leveled up a great deal again in Excel because of my new roles in the office. I also took Persian language lessons and I am proud to say that in class, I was the only one who could converse with our prof during the oral exam. I also finally took formal Japanese lessons and was often complimented by my profs because I sounded like a Japanese according to them. My many years of watching anime paid off. LOL. Except that I still have a long way to go (I think). A classmate in Japanese offered to teach me how to play the guitar and even connected me to a guitar seller so now I am a proud owner of one meant for performing. Except it will be a long time before I summon the courage to play in front of many people. So now I content myself with playing Chinese songs on it. Sad again because who else listens to the same songs I listen to? Sigh.

So I guess it's still a year well spent. Next year I will take extra good care of myself so that I won't get sick a lot. My sick leaves were greatly decimated this year and I am very unhappy about that. Above all dreams, above all ambitions, health should always be on top of one's priority lists. Also, I have to make sure I take special care of my heart. It's too fragile and the younger me did all she could to protect it, even build strong defenses against people. But I guess, being in love is the most essential human experience there is. It tests your will, your faith, your strength of character. I may just turn out to be one of the weakest persons alive in that department. But okay, deep breath, super deep breath. Here's to 2017!