After years of questioning the meaning of life and the purpose of my existence for many years now since I became totally conscious of the things happening around and inside me, I have finally accepted this life--- with its ups and downs, with a heart bursting with positive optimism despite the prevalence of negativity and the immanence of chaos.
For many years I have rebelled against the established order and because people were repulsed at my odd behavior, I decided to get away from as many people as I could on my own volition. I reasoned that most would never understand what goes on in my mind anyway, and even with countless explanations, they would never be able to grasp why on earth I had woken up one day and changed from a bubbly cheerful girl to an egocentrically cynical rebel. I always look back at that moment in my life as my "FALL-AFTER-ENLIGHTENMENT" stage since prior to the transformation, I have had always been patient and understanding, or rather, a devout disciple of Ecclesiastes.
The transformation came about, though, when suddenly the mind expanded too suddenly. With too much experience I gained in many things and with too much reading, I gave in to the thought that humans are evil by nature. Also, since I have seen how people would do everything even steal from or hurt others, I have resolved to keep human relations to a minimum.
I have seen and witnessed people who would steal ideas from others and give no credit to the deserving person. I have then realized that being SILENT is also akin to LYING, as both conceal the truth. I have seen people abusing the goodness of a person. Take it from the younger me who gives all and helps all and did not mind much if she got nothing. But even the most kindhearted person gets tired because of leeches and freeloaders who ask too much from a person and then take that person for granted. And then there are difficult people who are so self-righteous they think that they are always right even though one can easily see how flawed their logic is and how distorted their thinking is. There are a whole lot more types of people that can really trigger a sudden change in one innocent person and turn him or her into a monster.
And a monster I have become, for several years now. The once thoughtful girl became apathetic. And with that came profound sadness and loneliness, a cold black blanket that can never give warmth to a human soul. Alienation seems to be the only way to cope and to at least keep one's sanity intact. But alienation itself is a double-edged sword, the more one is alienated, the more one despairs and the more one feels like he/ she is forced to speed down the abyss of nothingness.
Perhaps Heidegger is right, that the only way to bear this life is to find our authentic selves and in order to do that, one needs to interact with others. For it is only by relating ourselves with others that we find purpose, it is only by doing so that we get to know more about our own selves, it is only by doing so that we can find happiness (which is also espoused by Aristotle).
Difficult as it may be to try to go back to what I was, I have resolved to do it. Pride gets in the way more often than not, but I'm trying to manage this pride which "breeds only sorrow" (to quote Emily Bronte) for me. Slowly I am reconnecting to the people who matter to me.
