After more than two weeks of vacation, I find myself in dire need of some physical exercise. To be confined to a monotonous routine of working and sleeping is the worst form of torture there is. Okay, I did have the much-needed opportunity to read more books for my thesis but knowing that it's for the completion of that much-dreaded thesis work got me all pressured with note-taking on the side and making sure I understand the texts that my eyes follow. Such tedious work, really. But it will be a great exercise for me, an Iska, who will one day tread the path of a researcher. Never mind that my thesis project is not in any way connected to the Philippines per se, but I'm sure it'll be useful in the future, I hope.
The whole Christmas break had been a depressing one for me, with lots of inner conflicts stirring my mind into turbulence. It was supposed to be a season to rejoice, to forget one's worries, to spread love... But hey, what love? I've grown cold, indifferent, apathetic, remorseful. To confess, I have this almost insane desire to annihilate everything. Were I Kali, that war goddess clothed in blood, or Shiva, her husband, I could have easily brought about the destruction of the world. For what reasons, you ask? For the very reason that man has become wiser in his own eyes and strays from the wisdom, seeking to make life better but only making it miserable in the process. The world has become a living hell, the product of man's incessant abuses and foolishness.
I long for the mountains and the beaches I have visited in the past. I long for the squishy mud, the sudden cold and the eventual warmth I would feel after burying my feet under it. I long for the cool soft earth, the smell of the earth that gives me a renewed sense of being. I hate all the cemented ground. The whole stretch of EDSA, Quezon Avenue, major roads, and now even narrow ones. Why pave all with cement? When the hot glaring sun is out, we all suffer as if we were being baked inside an oven. To not be with nature indeed is bad, but to be with insensible creatures is even worse; it is hell.
I remember when I was a freshie, I loved walking from Kalay to the archery range during the months of January and February. Back then, the weather was cool and refreshing, with the sweet smell of plants perfuming the atmosphere. One big bonus is the presence of clouds which shield me (okay, us) from the hateful rays of the sun. Truly a delight to go for a walk, especially with occasional falling leaves--- the perfect way to fall in love. (But as you all know, dear readers, yours truly is unfortunately single.) And fall in love I did, with nature, naturally! (Now who needs a boyfriend? =P )
But now, it's all so different. I have to walk a long mile under the hot hot, ULTRA hot sun. Damn it! No cool winds to soothe my burning skin. No friendly clouds to block the sun. And no sweet rain with the smell of sweet earth, to accompany me in this cursed world. This really is the RED DUST, a place of torment, where every pleasure is mere illusion. Where is my paradise???
And yet here I am, thrown into this unregenerate world, forced to mingle with fellow humans, if they really ARE human beings. Methinks they are monsters with human flesh and human appearance. I have surely become a misanthrope. Or raher, I reverted back to being a misanthrope, the me before I started high school. It disgusts me now to even think that I changed into someone who LOVES people when I was in HS which lasted until the end of my freshman year in college. Now I'm just cynical, pessimistic, apathetic even. I can't help it. I want to get away from civilization, do as Thoreau did, do what Rousseau dreamed. But where? Where to start life anew? Seems like pretty much everything's been contaminated with the filth of lowly creatures who call themselves human beings. Myself included in this pathetic tirade.
So much as I would have liked to say that everything's back to normal (meaning I'm a student again which I love being), I will have to refuse to say so. I'm back to school, back to my beloved library with its collection of old dusty books, back to reading lots, back to the best learning environment (IMO), back to sleepless nights, back to meeting demands, back to wakinng up early in the morning... Yes, I'm back to normal. BUt I have to alienate myself from my environment for it has certainly become NOT normal.
for Miracle's friends, Miracle's family and Miracle's online buddies
