Chicken Tiyula Itum

The day before Christmas, he finally fulfilled his promise to cook for me. (He had promised this many times, even on my birthday but that didn't materialize.) I wasn't in the know as to what he would prepare, but I had a strong feeling it would be chicken curry. We both love chicken and we both love spicy foods, including curry. (And somehow whenever I eat curry, I will always remember him...)

We went grocery-shopping together. We were supposed to buy the ingredients at the wet market but it was already noontime, too late. I chopped garlic and onions, sliced green bell peppers, and peeled and cut potatoes, while he marinated the chicken in charcoaled coconut and added spices like turmeric powder, pepper, Spanish paprika. Then he went out to but fresh coconut milk. I'm not too keen on using the one in can because I am too sensitive to tastes and canned coconut milk tastes like metal. So it was a good thing we were able to use the fresh one.

He first sauteed the garlic and onions in coconut oil and later on added olive oil which he found lying somewhere. LOL. It smelled really good. It's been a while since I last cooked at home because of my busy schedule and one of  my faves is the smell of sauteed onions and garlic. Yum!!! Enough to make me drool.

Once onions are caramelized, he put in the chicken and left it to simmer over medium heat.

Then, put in coconut milk. He told me that one has to keep on stirring when the coconut milk is poured in lest the milk coagulate.

He then added a knotted bunch of lemongrass. I instantly thought of tom yum. AT THIS POINT, I COULDN'T WAIT TO EAT!!! But then we had to wait until the meat is tender then we put in the potatoes and the sliced peppers. And wait some more. My stomach was already grumbling.

We had this simple meal of chicken tiyula itum and brown rice at around 2PM. YUM YUM YUM!!!

Notes:

1. Research where to buy burnt coconut meat. Then again, maybe I can do it on my own.

2. He says that when you cook, you must put in the right amount of salt. Because a bland cook is a bad spouse. (Which caused me to fantasize about being married to this guy who most times breaks my heart but then those few times he does things for me, I feel loved.)

3. To cook brown rice properly, rice to water ratio should be 1:1.5. That worked well because we got nicely cooked brown rice, not the extra dry one my sister makes because she wouldn't listen when I tell her she needs to put it more water. Hmp. @.@ (Okay, he really surprised me there. I thought he was just trying to impress when he told me before that he was a good cook. I, the [delusional] Cooking Master Girl, do not even know that [golden] ratio.)

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I wish we could do this more often instead of dining out which can really drain our wallets. This first time he cooked for me, just when I was feeling lonely because nobody fetched me at the airport when I came back from Thailand, I felt special for once, like I can be hopeful again that there's a future for the two of us. [But I dare not bring up the topic because he might just feel pressured again. So I will just write about my feelings. :( ]I was surprised to feel that way, because I have been travelling  by myself for years and I am used to going to the airport and coming home all by myself with no need of people to fetch me. But then, when you arrive in Manila on a December day, you will see other passengers being fetched by families. It's the holiday season, I forgot. I'm just not so into the season because I see it as just another marketing ploy towards consumerism. Mental note to self: never travel by plane in December.

Birthday Blues 2016

Four months on hiatus and now I find myself facing two weeks before my birthday. The ultra hectic schedule and an endless list of tasks, add to that the worsening holiday traffic, everything seems to be onthe wrong side.

And yesterday, news of the dictator Marcos' burial in Heroes' Cemetery made me anxious about the future of this country. People are not happy and rallies were organized in different places on short notice. I worry that this might cause a civil war. The AFP, represented by the acting chief of staff Lt. Gen. Glorioso Miranda, was shown to hand over the Philippine flag to Imelda during the funeral rites. It is not hard to see that AFP will be at the receiving end of the people's criticisms and discontent yet again. The Marcoses, desiring to keep the whole thing solemn and private, were described as "thieves of the night" this time just as they were "thieves in broad daylight" during the height of the Marcos era.

As a social scientist, I find it amazing how today's technology is able to mobilize a huge number of people into action in a moment's notice. Anyone is bound to remember the role social media played in bringing down Middle Eastern regimes perceived to be corrupt. Since last night, people have gathered at the People Power Monument, aming other places, to voice out their discontent. In social media, activists have been flooding the newsfeeds with posts on human rights, corruption, and revisionist history. The trending hashtag: #Marcosnotahero or variations of such.

On the other side, there are people who espouse moving on and forgiveness using religion as a tool to "promote peace", but it backfires. They are quick to be ridiculed as ignoramuses who are told to read more about the Marcos years. This is where our heavily flawed education system is manifested. Supposedly well-educated people, the likes who graduated from UST (thank God I haven't come across a UP graduate who is in favor of the honors bestowed on Marcos) even, are surprisingly lacking in critical thinking. Move on and forget? Yes, there are many more issues that demand our attention, but to bury a dictator in a place reserved for those who contributed positively to the general public? Or has the concept of "hero" changed for these people? The reason why this is a big deal is because it adds insult to injury. Our being Manila-centric is again showing. We know very little about the peripheries. Our understanding of the Muslim South is so pitifully small and full of misconceptions. How many people have heard of the massacres of innocent civilians? How many people have heard of the Jabidah massacre, the Malisbong massacre? Does the average person know that cultural genocide has been taking place here in our very own country?

I do not blame these people. I remember reading only the positive things Marcos did for PH when I was in elementary. I remember being awed that wow, he stayed in power for 20 years! Back then, I did not understand Martial Law. My parents both praise Marcos for it because they said it brought back discipline. It was only in college when I heard about stories of crimes against humanity. I began reading more, listening to more stories, asking more questions. At the end of the day, when these stories surface, the good and the bad, you can't help but be stuck. There were stories that Marcos was being defamed by the Americans because he suddenly shifted foreign policy to include communist/socialist states. And there are the arguments that the post-Marcos years were also rife with human rights injustices but why are we venerating the Aquinos?

Again, we see how people think in black and white. Criticize one and you're surely an ally of the other camp. Can't we be just mature citizens who are just being vigilant, who are just exercising democracy to ensure that the government is not oppressing the people???

And there are many more issues to this. My mind is tired. My heart is tired. Just as I was starting to trust D, this happens. Why are we so good at betraying trust? Why is credibility no longer important?

I go back to asking these same questions, how we have drifted far away from morality, how this world is consumed by materialism we no longer give importance to spirituality. I cannot help but think of the tragedies that occured in my personal life, how I wished so hard to just disappear from this world because I found it inhabitable, too cold, too dark, too cruel. The inner longing to go back to the point of origin is more intense than ever. I just want to dissociate myself from this world.

This year I lost my innocence. This year I lost my optimism. This year I lost the will to effectuate change. I lost it all, I lost my self, I lost my dreams. Last year was the beginning and this year things worsened. I wonder what's in store for me next year? But maybe it's not a bad thing altogether being exposed to the cruel sides of the world. I never knew how strong I was, or maybe it is just innate in me to perform well despite the misfortunes of life? That despite my shattered self, my brain still functions well, though admittedly not as well as before. Sad.

Maybe I am just reaping what I sowed. I wasn't able to fully show my love to the Light of my life. That guilt made me go the extra mile in loving a new person in my life, afraid that I might make the same mistake of losing a person without showing the depth and breadth of my love. Yet it was still a mistake. So I am back to slowly building my own shell, which shattered to a million pieces those times I chose to love fiercely without hesitation, without limits. Maybe I loved the wrong person. Or maybe the time is not right. Who are we to know? I only know that if I believe in something, I will really do everything, that I will take great pains to protect something I hold sacred and dear. Except it might just be grasping for the wind, leaving me frozen in the same exact spot where I was left hanging.

I'm just too old-fashioned. I am not meant to live in today's world marked by a hyperconsumerist culture. I cannot compare. I cannot compete. I cannot thrive. Authenticity is too strong that everyone else is overwhelmed. I must relearn the art of solitude. 

Love, Pain, and Becoming a Light

Having experienced my first break up after just three months of dating made me question many things about life and love. Before falling hard for the first man to ever sweep me off my feet, I used to think that love is something that will be a tough challenge because it would entail sacrifice, lots of it, but that the rewards will be more than what you would expect. With that belief, no matter how difficult it is to love someone whose intentions eventually  became blurry and muddled, I carried on loving him, fighting those ugly thoughts in my head, fighting against myself for feeling neglected. I chose to love and trust him with all my heart although it was hard because everything would always catch me by surprise. For love, I chose not to listen to my gut feel. I chose to meet the trust he gave me. (Although truth be told, I had a lot of misgivings. In essence, I had to battle it out with my fears that one day he would just leave me behind.)

Once he asked what my gut feel tells me about him. I sensed a terribly wounded man whose inner goodness has been shrouded by layers of pain and sadness. For some reason, I decided to stick with him, to share my world with him. In a span of just three months, I welcomed him into my life, the life I have come to build alone after years of devastation and self-doubt. I can say that it is far from perfect yet because I haven't moved on completely from my loss last year. I thought that maybe if I were to heal a person, maybe I could find complete healing, too. He was rarely sweet, but I was happy whenever we were together. For a while I was reminded of the happiness in life. Life exploded with colors but those colors quickly disappeared when he became distant, when he started to push me away (although he denies doing so) and I, naive and ignorant, did not know how to handle the situation. To me, the message was "You are not welcome in my life. Leave me alone."

The five day challenge in March proved to be helpful. It made me take a glimpse of what to expect should I enter into a relationship with him. It was a challenge I was able to overcome, but that was because our relationship was just starting. Not that much invested feelings yet.

Tears started to flow early in May, just when I was feeling loved and just when I thought this will be serious. I thought it would be the end, that he would end things with me because of his past which he assumed I wouldn't accept. A whole loadshit of baggage waiting to be unloaded. It was a fragile moment, a major decision for me. But it wasn't because of that that I felt hurt. The pain that pierced me stemmed from the feeling that he didn't trust me at all to have hidden that from me. I cried for two days and only stopped when people were being funny and laughing was hard to resist. I was reminded of the beauty of the world, that this is just one speck of the world's many problems and I should nit feel so bad because others have had it worse.

So I accepted him, hoping he would work hard for our relationship to blossom again. But things have changed. Maybr it was also the wrong timing. But it seemed I have not totally gotten past my initial heartbreak. I became insecure, I sought his "I love you's" but resisted so hard to nag. All the resistance came undone with just one question from him. That question unleashed all the pent up negative feelings inside which I thought I could control but turns out I am just an ordinary girl who can only hold in so much. What came was domino effect. I felt unappreciated and unaccepted. I found myself asking if the golden rule is even true. We both know our differences yet we entered into a relationship. But that question made me realize that differences could wreak havoc in our lives. I have always thought that we could fight for each other, that that was already implicit when we decided to be exclusive. I was wrong.

Then came the blaming and hurling of unkind words. After only two months, the romance stopped. I struggle to this day to understand why he entered my peaceful life only to disrupt it. On second thought maybe I was to blame for not being able to give him what he wants. Or maybe we both have expectations we never communicated and we acted on assumptions only, not knowing that what we offered were not what was needed. We failed to communicate effectively even though at the onset I suggested that we practice having open comms because we both suck at mind games (or maybe that was only me?)

Just this Thursday, I used my break to nap but ended up crying inside the room, taking advantage of the fact that nobody else was inside. Prior to that, I have cried in small amounts. That time was the worst because I thought if my heart would stop beating from too much pain, I would be found there unconscious, or probably with no life.

Thoughts ran inside my head. I wouldn't be okay without him (to answer one of his questions). It could have been better if he told me he doesn't want me anymore because I am blah blah blah so I can just move on and just hope to find someone who can appreciate and accept me for who I am. But he made it sound as if we were just victims of circumstances before which we are hopeless. And that's the hardest part, because moving on is next to impossible. You ask yourself if, when he said "I love you" did he really mean it? Was everything just a game? Did he get that satisfaction out of hurting a person whom many people admire and like but who has never been in a relationship before? I felt played on by someone who regards feelings as if they are mere commodities. Did he get a kick out of making a "strange and different" girl fall in love with him just to break her heart?

On the other hand, whenever I look back to the recent months, i could honestly say that he loved me, that he tried to also fight. But why is he giving up now? What do I have to do to prove that I am a totally different person? That I am not someone who will just turn around and leave when things get ugly. And I go back to questioning if he really trusted me all this time.

I refuse to believe the idea that you let go of a person because you love him/her. If you truly see your future with him/her, do you let go? Of course not! That's just a lousy excuse to make it seem like you are not a jerk. When you find the one you're looking for, you fight hard, work hard, love hard. Even though it hurts. Even though it breaks every fiber of your being. The world can judge you for being "weak" but it is only in loving a person with all your heart and with all your soul that you will find your salvation. When two people are truly in love with each other, they will never let go no matter what. They will take each other's hands and weather through everything.

"I hope you can handle the truth, that I am not meant for you because of my flaws."

The flaws I accepted in him, the flaws I have come to love. Only it doesn't matter now because he has let go of my hand.

Is it because I am too emotional? Because I cry easily? Even strong girls cry. I cry when I watch a good movie or read a very good book even if it's not drama. I cry when I glimpse beauty. I cry over the people I love, the very few people I can love. I cry when I know he is suffering and is in pain. I wouldn't want him to make a painful choice so I will force myself to accept his decision. Lastly I cry for myself, because I am just human and the heart can be fragile.

Now it becomes clear to me why the word for love in Chinese is also the word for pain. 疼 can mean both "to care for" and "to ache". Love and pain are intertwined. You cannot love without experiencing pain. Also, if it hurts, it's because you loved.

Why is it so easy for people to just discard relationships as if feelings do not matter. Why is it that "work it out" is no longer the norm? I used to believe in true love, looking to my grandparents' story for inspiration. Theirs was fraught with difficulties, but they overcame everything. They loved only once in their lifetime and carried it until the end. Is the world too f*ucked up to have people hurting each other the norm? Whatever happened to love, trust, integrity, compassion?

So I guess the world is indeed f*cked up.  But I don't want to live in a cold heartless world. So I choose to tread the path less travelled, to be a light that can endure burning, to love with so much tenderness and fierceness still. One day I will wake up a blank slate, the past behind me. When that day comes, I know that I will ever be more ready to face life's worse challenges.

Doors

Early this week, as I walked home late at night after a tiring day, I saw visions of doors, some slightly ajar, most closed, one slowly closing. It was a dark place and I felt the need to run after that door that was closing in slow motion. But no matter how fast I tried to run, I couldn't seem to close the distance between us. It was a quick vision and I hurried home, fearful for what might happen to me while out in the streets at night.

Yesterday was her first death anniversary. I cried as I looked back on what happened last year, how I was filled with regrets and guilt because I was not sure if I had shown her sufficiently how much I loved her. At random moments of my life, I would tell her to come away with me and my sisters. I wanted just the four of us together and I would imagine that we would have a peaceful life. That didn't happen. My sisters refused. Still I hoped so much that when she reaches old age, I would be there to care for her, just as she had cared so much for me when I was an infant.

Then yesterday, there was one more reason to cry although I tried to control my tears. A wanted us to break up. I could imagine him getting tired and sick of the pressures surrounding him more so now when he is busy at work. Since Ramadhan started, he has told me little by little about these. I was confused and hurt, because I knew what was coming even before he asked me "would you be okay without me?" this week. Maybe it is a blessing to have this little gift of presience, to somehow cushion the impact.

I couldn't give a definite answer. It was a scary proposition. I know he has our best interests in mind, but I know that once we give up on each other, it will be the end.

More than ever, he emphasized our differences. We both knew. We have discussed these prior to us getting serious. But it should happen that things will get more difficult. This early, I have already cried an ocean of tears. I do not want to lose him, and I hate myself for being too proud. There are many things I have been doing for our sake which he knows nothing about because I do not want to disappoint him in case I fail. But I guess it is too late now.

Exactly a year after I lost an important person, I would experience the same now. That door that was slowly closing, I do not know if it will really close. I feel like I am transported back to my three year old self when I threw tantrums and cried so hard pleading the Light not to leave me when she tried to go on a vacation.

Even if doors open for me, I doubt if I can have the heart to enter new ones. His will forever be the one for me. When I knew him, I know that I must not leave him. There is the feeling that everything will not turn out right if we get separated. But if he is the one leaving, then there is nothing I can do. It will be difficult, I do not know what will happen next. The door is closing and I couldn't reach it.

A Tale of Love and Darkness (2015)

Ramadhan started on the 6th of this month. That day, he told me we are not to see each other for one whole month. I was hurt and troubled. I know he is busy and all, but most times I find myself thinking if I really have a place in his heart and in his life.

So on the 9th, before I jump into an extra hectic schedule which I embraced wholeheartedly to somehow keep him off my mind, I decided to watch a movie alone. It was funny how that week there were heated exchanges of SMS and all throughout the week I was crying hard. Yet we still manage to remind each other to bring an umbrella because the rainy season is upon us. Or maybe we just want to find an excuse to text each other and show that we care despite the misunderstandings. Either way, when he texted to say it was raining and for me to take care going home, I replied saying I would be at UP to "take a walk because I just wanted to be in a place full of trees". Wild child still.

But I fought hard, braving the heavy Metro traffic, to end up at UPFI to attend the free screening of A Tale of Love and Darkness, a movie by Natalie Portman. It's a heartbreaking movie (or maybe I read too much of my own situation into it) about a family striving to live a normal life in the new state of Israel following World War 2. The Palestinians are of course not too happy since the state was formed on their land. (And we see how malicious the West is when they cause border and frontier issues which remain to this day.) The movie was based on Amos Oz's book of the same title, an autobiography that reveals his pro-Zionist sentiments but without discounting the possible peaceful coexistence with Palestinians.

Amos' story focused in his mother Fania, played by Natalie Portman herself. Fania was a romantic, seemingly infatuated with a strong man who can do manual labor, in contrast to the person she married. Amos' father was a writer who loved etymologies, by the way, and he took pride in this as this gift was what made Fania fall in love with him. Unbeknownst to him, Fania suffers from the marriage, snubbed and bullied by her mother-in-law. Until there came a point when she falls into depression and young Amos had to take care of her. And she repeatedly told him that he was her Light, her only joy. (At this mention, I couldn't help but cry as I thought of the Light of my Life...)

The movie ends showing a teenager Amos driving a tractor. He had become a farmer, a realization of his mother's fantasies.

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Rarely do I see a jampacked UPFI and because I came in around 7:20, I had to be on my feet for the whole duration of the film. Didn't matter to me because I liked the movie although the love part was not emphasized. Darkness pervades the whole film. Love was evident only in Fania's sweet talk to young Amos and well, how Amos put her as the central character in the story.

Jeepney Scene 9

Nitong lumipas na linggo, nakaranas na naman ako ng nakakainis habang nasa jeep. Ako'y patungong unibersidad bandang a las 3 ng hapon at may isang lalaki na sumakay na may hawak na isang basong Dairy Queen na ice cream. Ang init noong hapng iyon, wala namang nakakagulat doon kasi summer na at El Niño pa!

Nakaupo ang lalaki sa dulo ng jeep, halos kaharap ko dahil ako naman ang nakaupo sa pinakadulo pero dahil pumapasok ang init sa jeep ay hindi ko sinagad sa sukdulan ang pag-upo sa dulo. Nang matapos siyang kumain ay inilagay niya ang baso sa ilalim ng upuan. Napatingin ako sa harap para tingnan kung may basurahan at hinarap ang lalaki sabay turo sa basurahan. "May basurahan po o, " sabi ko.

Dahil nasa dulo siya, nag-asta siyang tila gusto itapon pero dahil sa nasa dulo siya ay "hirap" siya. Sa inis ko ay hinigi ko ang baso at ako mismo ang nagtapon, kahit na hindi naman kami nagkakalayo. Nakakahiya naman sa kanya.

Grabe lang, mga Pinoy. Kailan kaya kayo magiging mapag-alaga sa kapaligiran??? Ang galing ninyo magpost ng kung ano-ano sa Facebook lalo nung kasagsagan ng Heneral Luna, pero hindi ninyo talaga magawang tumino. Grabe lang. Lahat tayo umaasa sa magandang pagbabago pero ang tunay na pagbabago ay nagsisimula sa sarili.

Campaigns and Divisions

So social media is awashed with posts on the elections, and suddenly everybody is an expert in the field of politics. I'm not condemning anyone and I find it amusing to see people politically engaged and exercising freedom of speech as each campaigns for his or her chosen candidates. As an exercise of democracy, the elections play a significant role in bringing out the voice of the masses by putting into positions the persons voted by the majority.

In the process, instead of cute cat videos and satirical "must make it until payday" memes, we see a lot of posts on the recently held debates. For once, as the fate of the nation hinges on the upcoming elections, and as people's votes are all equal regardless of social rank and status, it is nowhere in Philippine history where the exercise of democracy is thus manifested. This is aside from the organized People Power/ EDSA revolutions that ousted from power those deemed incompetent to run the country though funny how one still became Mayor of Manila after being removed from power.

Also in the process we see a lot of online bickering. People easily get carried away and we see friends turning into foes simply because they support different candidates. And here we see one of the ugly aspects of democracy: people become so engrossed in their idea of freedom, in their idea of what constitutes as "best"and become tyrants themselves, tyrants in the sense that they seek to dominate everything and prove people wrong when in fact, they themselves are not infallible. Countless times I had to resist the urge to counter these posts but I'd rather keep my peace and not engage. I still think that we need unity more than ever if we are to propel this nation to greatness and instilling conflicts definitely does not help.

Which then makes me think about how different the Philippines is compared to other Southeast Asian nations. We are never a mindful people, and we never care for rules. We are all little anarchists under the guide of a democratic system imposed on us by the West (i.e. USA). Imagine what could have been were Buddhism gained a major footing in this country. Then there will be tolerance and respect. (Of course this is just, broadly speaking, an observation. Being Buddhist does not necessarily mean being tolerant of others as we have seen in Sri Lanka and Myanmar where religious violence takes place.)

Which also reminds me of quotidian politics. In any group or organization, there will always be people who will create rifts in order to gain allies in case he/ she will need to mobilize people. This divide will rest on commonalities and more often than not, bitches (i.e. mean girls though boys are also capable of this) will unite and create an "enemy" by means of othering. I have seen manifestations of this and more so in the workplace. What is funny though is that you will hear them bash each other when one is not present but when they come together they seem like the best of friends. Oh well. (This is admittedly a digression and I can't help but write about this...)

So campaign for your candidates with all your heart and soul. It is your right. But never forget that in doing so, you should not expect a reward because for your chosen candidate, your existence is negligible. Never forget that having respect for your friends and for their choices, absurd as they may be, should be top priority. Practice respect, tolerance, and humility.

And speaking of, I have yet to make a final decision... @.@