2017 Holy Week Musings

Today is Easter. While I normally do not like special days because they are heavily exploited by capitalists, sometimes, special days are needed to remind us of the things that are important to us. It just depends on us if we want to be swallowed by the system or if we are confident enough of our own authenticity to let systems dictate our lives.

Earlier this week, prior to the Holy Week, I went out with two friends on separate occasions. On Tuesday, learning too late that classes were suspended, a friend and I decided to explore Maginhawa for some cheap eats. We both have relationship issues and I know he needed some cheering up. He also cautions me about potential pitfalls in my current relationship and keeps on reminding me to address the issues as early as possible to save unnecessary heartbreak. 

I appreciate the concern. It's not as if we were not talking about those issues. We did, sporadically, in bits and bites, not in a long conversation. It is uncomfortable, awkward... I also want to really know his thoughts but oftentimes I feel myself being blocked and pushed away. The resistance is too great. A question for a question. No definite answers. I learned to mimic him, but perhaps he doesn't even know it. I can be the most transparent person, but if I find myself not getting the honesty and integrity I can offer, I clam up.

Before we parted ways, I felt sad for him. He seemed like a nice guy. But even nice guys have flaws. In around four hours that we talked, I interrogated him, made him see where the gaps were, as if I were Doctor Love. I couldn't even bring the man I love to talk about serious stuffs. Pressure, he would always raise as an excuse. I may have been brutal. He was hurting still, but I still asked questions that I know could trigger memories. That is how you help a friend, you help him or her face uncomfortable situations head on. I don't know if it will work for him, I hope it does. Talking about problems sometimes help lift the gravity of the situation.

The following day, no class again. A friend whom I asked to fetch my jacket for me in Miag-ao is back. I left my jacket, a gift from Island Boy back in 2015, which he gave me on the day we last saw each other. I tried to like him then, if only because he was nice to me, but he really isn't my type. To this day he still sends PM on Facebook which I largely ignore. It's been two years, I have told him to stop, but he is still there, so I just ignore his messages. I never create false hopes for anyone.

So anyway, R at first was reluctant to get my jacket back for me. For weeks we seemed to have grown cold because R was not willing to do me a favor. I was a but hurt because he would be in Miag-ao anyway so why not get my jacket? Maybe there are other reasons but if there were, he could have explained so I would understand. Then again, in the end, he did get my jacket for me. We had to meet up so I could get it back. Yet again, he asked me about A. I said I am trying my best not to think about him much, that I should focus on my own well-being. I am having chest pains again, and if this keeps on, I might die within a year, or less. Stupid girl falling so hard in love with someone who turned out to not able to reciprocate, someone who couldn't be considerate of my feelings when I have always been too gentle and patient with him because I know how broken he is. Yet in the process, I didn't know how I have also been dragged down emotionally. A meeting with a former classmate noticed that my aura has changed, telling me she felt sad to see that the brightness in my eyes that she loved so much, was replaced by sadness. That was two months ago. Her words never left my mind.

I tried to regain my peace of mind. I wanted to show her that maybe that was temporary. I wanted to fight for A, for us. But slowly I found myself looking at the present situation, as if replaying the events of last year. Uncertainties. Mind games. Manipulations. What is it that makes it so hard to leave him???  Maybe we both are just waiting for the other to make the move. I wonder if he truly is happy with me, as he says he is. If so, why does it feel like I an only contributing to his list of problems. He would never acknowledge the things that I do, until recently when I talked to him about it. He would always dismiss moments of intimacy that I tried to create as drama, until recently when I raised the issue. For a time that made me secure in our relationship. He was changing bit by bit. I always appreciate that he knows when I am upset, even since last year. He knowd how to make me laugh, because a silly girl like me is easy to please.

But there are things from last year that remain in my head. Him saying, "I want to make my parents happy" says a lot about how his parents will always come first, even perhaps in matters of marriage and relationships. So imagine how hurt I was when I found out his dad is still currently pursuing the girl they want him to marry, even after meeting me. For me that speaks volumes. They simply do not like me. Because I am not one of them, because I do not share the same religion. And they say the Chinese are too exclusive. So that confirms that this relationship is indeed goung nowhere, although he says he still wants to have the last say on that. Then again, that would be displeasing his parents.

If there is anything consistent, it is inconsistency. Does it ever contribute to a strong foundation in a relationship?

Ruined Plans and Some Reflection

Been busy the past few weeks and it seems like with all the things that are happening, with all the demands made from me in particular, I have been stressing myself out. I have always taken pride in taking things in stride but anxiety for my future is growing and most times I have to silence the voices in my head. A and I planned to spend half of the Holy Week together but his work ruined our travel plans. It cannot be helped. Guy loves his work too much. So we decided on an alternative so we can still spend quality time together.

So after agreeing on the alternative, I have been counting down the days, while reading up on recipes and thinking of tweaking recipes in my head. I have been picking out some books that I would bring, even decided on some movies. He was busy but I trusted that even without him texting me for days, the plan would materialize.

Only to find out last night that he invited his cousins over and so the plans we made were instantly cancelled. He offered to take me out for dinner on Friday instead but I didn't know what to say. Betrayal again. Excuses again. Excuses which make no sense. Everything makes me question his sincerity again. It does not help that lately I have been feeling down following the many undesirable happenings at work and at home. There is this growing feeling to detach, to go out somewhere far all alone to rethink about things.

I have been contemplating about resignation. Not because I am stressed. I still think it is still manageable. But I question how the organization puts incompetent people in leadership roles, people who cannot even comprehend the simplest concepts, people who do not know how to lead people, how to open up opportunities for the company and for its talented people. Office politics certainly play a big role. But if it is stronger and more salient than meritocracy, the company to headed towards doomsday.

So the question is, to still try to turn things around when it's been so difficult because your voice is not heard and listened to, or to leave the boat sinking because I could be wasting time. It is so hard when you find yourself exerting too much effort only for others to disregard them, to be unappreciated, to be regarded as an eccentric who must be isolated simply for being different.

And I realized how my relationship with A and my dilemma in the office are two faces of the same problem. When you can no longer get what you need, you simply move on to wherever can satisfy your needs. That is the rational way of thinking. On the other hand, these challenges may be what will propel you to be your best self, to turn these challenges into opportunities to show and teach others about compassion, oneness, honesty, integrity... Values that should be given much prominence again in this world wounded by strife and conflict and much injustice. I remember giving the same advice my ex supervisor gave me once, about cultivating first, because planting the small seeds is the first difficult step, the first of many steps towards real change.

Every night I still cry. I wonder what the future holds. I am not beautiful, in the ordinary mortal's sense of the word. (But I am cute and attractive. :P) But I know I am beautiful spiritually and intellectually, and it will take an extraordinary person to appreciate that. The masters of today are fake apostles; they preach earthly glory, they aim to seek material wealth. Then again, the sages of yore, their teachings come to me. Detach. Enjoy the present. Silence the mind. Rejuvenate the soul.

Okay, Masters, I will silence my mind. Lotus Bud will grow into a big strong beautiful flower amidst the highly polluted world. Shine your light of wisdom on me, that I may guide others to the same path towards peace and wellbeing.

Beauty and the Beast (2016)

I was never a Disney fan for the simple reason that I find the modified fairy tales to be unappealing. Perhaps it is because I first encountered the fairy tales in the [almost] original version. (There are still a lot of work to be done in determining which is the original but my point is that I read the non-Disney versions first.) As a child I grew up loving the story of the Little Mermaid because of her adventurousness, her courage and compassion which definitely stand out from the other characters that inspired the creation of the Disney princesses. Aside from her, I also like the feisty Jasmine whose frustrations from her situation motivate her to go out and seek knowledge of the outside world. While I like Belle because she's the only booklover in the lot, her story is not as convincingly good given the many Deux-ex-machina-like elements in the story without which Belle is doomed to fail. (An example is having a really smart and very strong horse who can remember the way to the Beast's castle and who can go back and forth without even resting or replenishing itself. Another is the presence of magical items, the magic mirror in particular, that make it convenient for the Beast to act as savior to his soon-to-be lady love.)

Last week, A and I watched Beauty and the Beast, one of the 2016's most awaited films primarily because of two things: 1) Emma Watson plays the role of Belle, 2) it's a live version of the Disney animated movie. I am only interested because of Emma Watson whom everyone loves as the bright and spunky HP heroine Hermione. (But how fast she as grown!!!)

While I know the stories, I must confess that I haven't really found the time to watch the Disney movies so I remain ignorant about the songs (except for the main themes) and other theatrical tidbits. As a child, I loved more to read than to watch anything on TV, unless it's anime. And of course I have read the Disney stories so I know that the movie has done a great job in being faithful to the animated films. And one bonus is that it also explores what happened to Belle's mother which also answers how come a liberal-minded Maurice would end up raising a willful daughter in a sleepy town where girls are not encouraged to pursue education. Kudos also to the production team for making non-living things come out very much alive, in both figurative and literal sense, as they gave a spectacular performance welcoming Belle into the castle while performing "Be Our Guest", easily one of the most anticipated scenes.

Another scene which a lot of people must be looking forward to is Belle and Beast's first dance. I cried the whole time as the main theme plays in the background. "(...) Barely even friends when somebody bends unexpectedly..." got me thinking about the relationship I am in. Beast in all his selfishness and well, beastly looks, enjoyed the love of an intelligent girl who knows the importance of being true to one's heart than minding the opinion of others. I think that is a form of courage that is hardly replicated in real life when people would rather stay in their comfort zones and give up at the slightest difficulty. A strong will, anchored on authenticity, is very rare these days. That's one, and the other is that I loved how they were able to mimic Belle's gown. It's very close to the one in the animated film!!! More tears, this time because of the production team's efforts.

A just laughed when he noticed the tears that silently flowed from my eyes and pulled me close to him. It's not the first time that I cried while watching a movie with him. Last year, I cried [silently] while we watched Snowden  because I could very well relate with Snowden's girlfriend who clearly loved him but who grew anxious and uncertain about the relationship because of her boyfriend's exploits though in the end [at least in the movie] it was revealed that they are still together.

Methinks though that the Beauty and the Beast could have also explored more about the enchantress and maybe put more emphasis on social injustice, that is, the palace seems to regularly hold parties while the people in the towns looked more like peasants. Maybe we can expect a steampunk version next time, like what they did with Van Helsing (2004). You know, insert French Revolution elements into the story without ending up like Les Miserables of course. (But then LM is more about the events that preceeded the FR.) Then agan, I do not know how the film people will work on it without the audience ending up hating the Beast for his extravagance. What the film did was create an explanation for why the Beast became such a narcissistic person. Maybe in another remake they can do a Maleficent kind of thing, shifting perspectives but still staying true to the story outline. Well, almost, anyway.

So there, I am looking forward to watching Aladdin and The Little Mermaid. I wonder if they will feature Uighurs since there are speculations that Aladdin is actually a Chinese Muslim. Sounds very interesting especially today when the Chinese Communist Party is imposing a lot of restrictions on religious practices and expressions on the Muslims in Xinjiang. I hear that TLM will be out soon but then again, I wonder if it will have a sad ending, the first story that made me cry. A also mentioned about possible remake of Mulan and I also look forward to that although I told him there already was a live version made by Chinese producers, the latest of which was in 2009.

Indescribable 2016

The last day of 2016, I spent most of the day alone working on my INC's for the simple reason that I do not want to be stressed out early in 2017 when I should be preparing for another hardcore semester. I really am excited but then again whenever I think of the many times I fell sick this year, the many times I thought of either giving up on my dream to obtain an MA degree or resigning from the present company where I have learned a LOT, sometimes I wonder where everything is headed to. This year life presented me with many paths, provided me with glimpses to many possible trajectories in my life as I am nearing 30 (and yet I still feel like a high school student... some people really don't change much).

I don't know how best to describe 2016, except that probably within this year that again, the mind expanded so much. In addition to that, I started to be a real social being, more social than I could ever have imagined. When before I used to do things alone, 2016 let me share some of life's moments with a special someone. (While I am tempted to again reminisce about the good and bad days, I will not. Not in this entry. I will reserve that for part 2 of my open letter.) When friends, especially male ones, used to reprimand me for being too cloistered, it is in 2016 when I finally let down my defenses. Those barbed wires limped, even the snipers became neglectful, the walls came tumbling down. (Two male friends, both who tried to get involved with me romantically, described my social defenses as such, that despite my warmth towards people, I really do not welcome anyone into my very private life.) And it was such an unforgettable experience because I matured socially and got to know about the opposite sex on a level other than mere friendship.

Probably due to my huge loss last year, I seemed to really have thrown everything to the winds this year. I joined strangers on a lecture expedition in Negros and learned a great deal about botany, wondering why the hell I didn't pursue it in college. (But then whenever I immerse in different disciplines I would often think that. Even so, my heart still belongs to languages. Such is the woe of a universalist, time and resources are the greatest hindrances so in the end, one shall content herself in having small bites of everything, like in a buffet.) The whole experience somehow made me ready for the year, a year marked by my return to the academe in the hope of finally getting an MA degree.

Mazu festivities in the streets

street play outside the Mazu Temple

I met relatives in Taiwan. Unlike our relatives here in PH, they were nice to me. They remind me of our relatives in HK who are so hospitable sometimes I felt like a prisoner because they always want to tag along with me wherever I go and I couldn't find enough me time. In Taiwan they only let me wander on my own for just four hours and I visited a temple and it was an auspicious day because they were celebrating the birthday of Mazu (天上聖母, Holy Heavenly Mother). I had to take care of my grandmother and also, people are always worried and I don't want them getting anxious. (But then they should know I can manage on my own. I speak fluent Mandarin and I am good at navigating new places. Sigh.) But I am thankful to them because they told me a lot of stories (my mom almost never tell stories about our relatives) and they treated me to a lot of wonderful food, foremost of which is the famous fragrant fried chicken sold in the sidewalks. YUM!

Wat Phra Mahathat in Ayutthaya, Thailand

The only other country I traveled to aside from Taiwan is Thailand. I booked my plane ticket following another episode of heartache and it was the day before I left for Baguio to join strangers on a hike to Mt. Ulap. I visited a former classmate A and was introduced to W. The three of us shared the same bed and it was a good thing I brought my sleeping bag with me so I didn't need a blanket and still retained my privacy somehow. The sleeping bag ate up half the space of my backpack so I was not able to shop around much which is a disgrace since most would go there to shop for clothes. I only bought a pair of Thai trousers and hankies. (#loser) But anyway, next time I go there, I'll have check-in luggage. HMP.

There just are too many things to do in Thailand and five days are not enough. I remember my former professors who told us about how images of the king are everywhere. Indeed they are, especially since King Bhumidol passed away in October this year. The plazas and monuments are always FULL of mourners in black. WOW! When I walked around Sriraj Hospital and visited some museums there, I discovered why. The king was instrumental in the rapid modernization of Thailand (and now TH surpasses PH in terms of infrastructure!!! They have a subway and an airport railway that's comparable to HK... I wanna cry)

2016 is also the time I finally got to go on solo trips to other places in Visayas aside from Bohol and Aklan. In addition to Negros, I visited Tacloban and Iloilo. Tacloban counts as my least favorite place to go to for the many bad experiences, except that trip also gave me sweet memories because he would always call me every night to check up on me. I almost drowned while bathing in a waterfalls; I didn't know there were deep parts. The horrors. I also hiked on my own, then guided by a kid mid-way who probably took pity on me. That hike resulted to a number of scars on my arms and legs which got office people panicking when they saw me with those scratches, and more so when I told them I went solo hiking. I got disappointed when arriving at Palo, the only heritage structure I saw was the church. I did visit Basey, Samar though and walking on San Juanico Bridge from Leyte to Samar was an experience I cannot forget. Little girl no more as I conquered my fears of crossing bridges on foot alone even though the structure was trembling every time vehicles would pass by. Also, this was my first time to rebook another ticket because I had to be at the office earlier than expected. My original plan of 10 days' leave was cut down to three, but it was all good because I badly wanted to go home already.

crossing San Juanico Bridge on foot

In Iloilo I attended a conference on history but quickly regretted doing so. Then again, my trip was not wasted because I finally saw my fourth baroque church here in PH. So there, I have now seen all four UNESCO heritage churches. So despite the heartaches and despite him not contacting me save for a few emails, I am happy to have achieved something significant this year. I cannot forget the people here in Iloilo. I should have accepted an invite years ago so I could have also visited Guimaras. When R comes back from Germany, I'll plan a trip there for us and hopefully go island hopping. I'll never forget the generous people here who took me in for two nights and even showed me around UP Miag-ao and dropped me off to my next destination which was two towns away or so. The least I could do was buy a tub of ice cream for the house owner's eldest who just turned 5. I was so heartbroken I wasn't thinking straight and before I could realize what I was doing, I said yes to an invitation to spend the night at a stranger's house. All I could think of was that there I was throwing my life to winds, as in a hardcore way.

Miag-ao Church in Iloilo, finally visited all four baroque churches included in the UNESCO heritage list

In Zamboanga City I was not able to wander around freely but then that special someone became sweet and took me on a motorcycle ride at night to see certain tourist spots like Fort Pilar and the City Hall which was made colorful at night because of its many lights. I am very thankful to him for driving me around so I guess one of my fantasies came true, which is to ride as a passenger on a motorcycle. I wish we could do that again, probably in Siquijor or maybe Masbate or Marinduque. Meeting his parents made me nervous but then his family was nice to me so I didn't have a hard time being with them. It's just that of course sometimes I am reminded of certain things and most of the time I wanted to cry but had to hold everything in. It helped that he was sweet while we were there and I will always cherish those moments we had.

Zamboanga Temple (a.k.a. Avalokiteshvara Temple)

In Zamboanga I met the friends of my mentor in historical research. Like her, they were all very friendly and amiable. One even told my fortunes, but I'm not telling anyone. She told me three things which are very true of me, and I didn't even drop hints of that when we were chatting. One thing that struck me was that she correctly said that I am suffering from chest pains and heartache. Okay, I really should try to meditate and calm down and not think about my love life too much. I read an article once that too much heartache can literally kill. Not now when my research has finally took off. Another important milestone is the discovery of a potential sanctuary where I can retire one day. The Buddhist Temple there looked inviting and it was my first time to attend a Buddhist mass while on a trip. (The other choice was a temple in Malabon where my dear great grandmother was cremated.) Unfortunately I wasn't able to visit a mosque. Boo.

Ipo Watershed

Where do broken hearts go? Probably drifting off to nowhere. Those times when I was so heartbroken I would join strangers and go hiking. Still depressed over our breakup in June, I signed up to participate in a tree-planting activity and story-telling engagement with the kids in Ipo Watershed. It was some sort of field trip for me and I got to know more about watersheds and how we can protect them. I also remember feeling like it's been years since I last saw the skies so blue. Following days of nonstop crying, the trip proved to be helpful in making me see the beauty of the world. The last few days of October, feeling betrayed and again depressed, I said yes to traverse Mt. Ulap. I invited a newfound friend whom I met during the tree-planting activity. A humble fellow who seemed to have easily warmed up to me. In one of our stops, I took the opportunity to lie down on the grass and savor the smell of the mountains in the north. Again, I was reminded of the beauty of the world.

Mt. Ulap traverse

2016 also marks the second time I showed Indonesian exchange students around. The National Museum had a free movie screening of the documentary "Call of Our Forefathers" and I invited them to watch with me. It was about Muslim Mindanao and I figured they might be interested. We had lunch at Robinsons Manila where I treated them to Vietnamese fare at Pho Bac. We also went to Solidaridad Bookstore and then were stuck in heavy traffic going to Makati only to head back to QC.

textile exhibit at the National Museum

In October, I watched dance performances at the Asian Center in UP. Pesta Igal was organized by a professor with whom I share the same interests. If I weren't too shy I would one day engage him in a conversation to talk about dances and ethnic music.

Pesta Igal

Another highlight this year is that I finally was able to push through with my first Ramadan experience. I have been telling myself to join our Muslim brothers and sisters for this and this year I succeeded. But I only did semi-fasting because I badly need water. For five weeks I fasted which coincided with my summer classes. It was difficult of course but eventually I got the hang of it. ON the last day though, I almost fainted in the school grounds. I had to take a leave to rest and rejuvenate. The heartache, sleepless nights, sudden fasting, stress at work, and depression all played a part in this. I badly wanted to just die and get over everything. For two months after that, my appetite was greatly reduced, much to the surprise of many.

In terms of skills, I leveled up a great deal again in Excel because of my new roles in the office. I also took Persian language lessons and I am proud to say that in class, I was the only one who could converse with our prof during the oral exam. I also finally took formal Japanese lessons and was often complimented by my profs because I sounded like a Japanese according to them. My many years of watching anime paid off. LOL. Except that I still have a long way to go (I think). A classmate in Japanese offered to teach me how to play the guitar and even connected me to a guitar seller so now I am a proud owner of one meant for performing. Except it will be a long time before I summon the courage to play in front of many people. So now I content myself with playing Chinese songs on it. Sad again because who else listens to the same songs I listen to? Sigh.

So I guess it's still a year well spent. Next year I will take extra good care of myself so that I won't get sick a lot. My sick leaves were greatly decimated this year and I am very unhappy about that. Above all dreams, above all ambitions, health should always be on top of one's priority lists. Also, I have to make sure I take special care of my heart. It's too fragile and the younger me did all she could to protect it, even build strong defenses against people. But I guess, being in love is the most essential human experience there is. It tests your will, your faith, your strength of character. I may just turn out to be one of the weakest persons alive in that department. But okay, deep breath, super deep breath. Here's to 2017!

Chicken Tiyula Itum

The day before Christmas, he finally fulfilled his promise to cook for me. (He had promised this many times, even on my birthday but that didn't materialize.) I wasn't in the know as to what he would prepare, but I had a strong feeling it would be chicken curry. We both love chicken and we both love spicy foods, including curry. (And somehow whenever I eat curry, I will always remember him...)

We went grocery-shopping together. We were supposed to buy the ingredients at the wet market but it was already noontime, too late. I chopped garlic and onions, sliced green bell peppers, and peeled and cut potatoes, while he marinated the chicken in charcoaled coconut and added spices like turmeric powder, pepper, Spanish paprika. Then he went out to but fresh coconut milk. I'm not too keen on using the one in can because I am too sensitive to tastes and canned coconut milk tastes like metal. So it was a good thing we were able to use the fresh one.

He first sauteed the garlic and onions in coconut oil and later on added olive oil which he found lying somewhere. LOL. It smelled really good. It's been a while since I last cooked at home because of my busy schedule and one of  my faves is the smell of sauteed onions and garlic. Yum!!! Enough to make me drool.

Once onions are caramelized, he put in the chicken and left it to simmer over medium heat.

Then, put in coconut milk. He told me that one has to keep on stirring when the coconut milk is poured in lest the milk coagulate.

He then added a knotted bunch of lemongrass. I instantly thought of tom yum. AT THIS POINT, I COULDN'T WAIT TO EAT!!! But then we had to wait until the meat is tender then we put in the potatoes and the sliced peppers. And wait some more. My stomach was already grumbling.

We had this simple meal of chicken tiyula itum and brown rice at around 2PM. YUM YUM YUM!!!

Notes:

1. Research where to buy burnt coconut meat. Then again, maybe I can do it on my own.

2. He says that when you cook, you must put in the right amount of salt. Because a bland cook is a bad spouse. (Which caused me to fantasize about being married to this guy who most times breaks my heart but then those few times he does things for me, I feel loved.)

3. To cook brown rice properly, rice to water ratio should be 1:1.5. That worked well because we got nicely cooked brown rice, not the extra dry one my sister makes because she wouldn't listen when I tell her she needs to put it more water. Hmp. @.@ (Okay, he really surprised me there. I thought he was just trying to impress when he told me before that he was a good cook. I, the [delusional] Cooking Master Girl, do not even know that [golden] ratio.)

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I wish we could do this more often instead of dining out which can really drain our wallets. This first time he cooked for me, just when I was feeling lonely because nobody fetched me at the airport when I came back from Thailand, I felt special for once, like I can be hopeful again that there's a future for the two of us. [But I dare not bring up the topic because he might just feel pressured again. So I will just write about my feelings. :( ]I was surprised to feel that way, because I have been travelling  by myself for years and I am used to going to the airport and coming home all by myself with no need of people to fetch me. But then, when you arrive in Manila on a December day, you will see other passengers being fetched by families. It's the holiday season, I forgot. I'm just not so into the season because I see it as just another marketing ploy towards consumerism. Mental note to self: never travel by plane in December.

Birthday Blues 2016

Four months on hiatus and now I find myself facing two weeks before my birthday. The ultra hectic schedule and an endless list of tasks, add to that the worsening holiday traffic, everything seems to be onthe wrong side.

And yesterday, news of the dictator Marcos' burial in Heroes' Cemetery made me anxious about the future of this country. People are not happy and rallies were organized in different places on short notice. I worry that this might cause a civil war. The AFP, represented by the acting chief of staff Lt. Gen. Glorioso Miranda, was shown to hand over the Philippine flag to Imelda during the funeral rites. It is not hard to see that AFP will be at the receiving end of the people's criticisms and discontent yet again. The Marcoses, desiring to keep the whole thing solemn and private, were described as "thieves of the night" this time just as they were "thieves in broad daylight" during the height of the Marcos era.

As a social scientist, I find it amazing how today's technology is able to mobilize a huge number of people into action in a moment's notice. Anyone is bound to remember the role social media played in bringing down Middle Eastern regimes perceived to be corrupt. Since last night, people have gathered at the People Power Monument, aming other places, to voice out their discontent. In social media, activists have been flooding the newsfeeds with posts on human rights, corruption, and revisionist history. The trending hashtag: #Marcosnotahero or variations of such.

On the other side, there are people who espouse moving on and forgiveness using religion as a tool to "promote peace", but it backfires. They are quick to be ridiculed as ignoramuses who are told to read more about the Marcos years. This is where our heavily flawed education system is manifested. Supposedly well-educated people, the likes who graduated from UST (thank God I haven't come across a UP graduate who is in favor of the honors bestowed on Marcos) even, are surprisingly lacking in critical thinking. Move on and forget? Yes, there are many more issues that demand our attention, but to bury a dictator in a place reserved for those who contributed positively to the general public? Or has the concept of "hero" changed for these people? The reason why this is a big deal is because it adds insult to injury. Our being Manila-centric is again showing. We know very little about the peripheries. Our understanding of the Muslim South is so pitifully small and full of misconceptions. How many people have heard of the massacres of innocent civilians? How many people have heard of the Jabidah massacre, the Malisbong massacre? Does the average person know that cultural genocide has been taking place here in our very own country?

I do not blame these people. I remember reading only the positive things Marcos did for PH when I was in elementary. I remember being awed that wow, he stayed in power for 20 years! Back then, I did not understand Martial Law. My parents both praise Marcos for it because they said it brought back discipline. It was only in college when I heard about stories of crimes against humanity. I began reading more, listening to more stories, asking more questions. At the end of the day, when these stories surface, the good and the bad, you can't help but be stuck. There were stories that Marcos was being defamed by the Americans because he suddenly shifted foreign policy to include communist/socialist states. And there are the arguments that the post-Marcos years were also rife with human rights injustices but why are we venerating the Aquinos?

Again, we see how people think in black and white. Criticize one and you're surely an ally of the other camp. Can't we be just mature citizens who are just being vigilant, who are just exercising democracy to ensure that the government is not oppressing the people???

And there are many more issues to this. My mind is tired. My heart is tired. Just as I was starting to trust D, this happens. Why are we so good at betraying trust? Why is credibility no longer important?

I go back to asking these same questions, how we have drifted far away from morality, how this world is consumed by materialism we no longer give importance to spirituality. I cannot help but think of the tragedies that occured in my personal life, how I wished so hard to just disappear from this world because I found it inhabitable, too cold, too dark, too cruel. The inner longing to go back to the point of origin is more intense than ever. I just want to dissociate myself from this world.

This year I lost my innocence. This year I lost my optimism. This year I lost the will to effectuate change. I lost it all, I lost my self, I lost my dreams. Last year was the beginning and this year things worsened. I wonder what's in store for me next year? But maybe it's not a bad thing altogether being exposed to the cruel sides of the world. I never knew how strong I was, or maybe it is just innate in me to perform well despite the misfortunes of life? That despite my shattered self, my brain still functions well, though admittedly not as well as before. Sad.

Maybe I am just reaping what I sowed. I wasn't able to fully show my love to the Light of my life. That guilt made me go the extra mile in loving a new person in my life, afraid that I might make the same mistake of losing a person without showing the depth and breadth of my love. Yet it was still a mistake. So I am back to slowly building my own shell, which shattered to a million pieces those times I chose to love fiercely without hesitation, without limits. Maybe I loved the wrong person. Or maybe the time is not right. Who are we to know? I only know that if I believe in something, I will really do everything, that I will take great pains to protect something I hold sacred and dear. Except it might just be grasping for the wind, leaving me frozen in the same exact spot where I was left hanging.

I'm just too old-fashioned. I am not meant to live in today's world marked by a hyperconsumerist culture. I cannot compare. I cannot compete. I cannot thrive. Authenticity is too strong that everyone else is overwhelmed. I must relearn the art of solitude. 

Love, Pain, and Becoming a Light

Having experienced my first break up after just three months of dating made me question many things about life and love. Before falling hard for the first man to ever sweep me off my feet, I used to think that love is something that will be a tough challenge because it would entail sacrifice, lots of it, but that the rewards will be more than what you would expect. With that belief, no matter how difficult it is to love someone whose intentions eventually  became blurry and muddled, I carried on loving him, fighting those ugly thoughts in my head, fighting against myself for feeling neglected. I chose to love and trust him with all my heart although it was hard because everything would always catch me by surprise. For love, I chose not to listen to my gut feel. I chose to meet the trust he gave me. (Although truth be told, I had a lot of misgivings. In essence, I had to battle it out with my fears that one day he would just leave me behind.)

Once he asked what my gut feel tells me about him. I sensed a terribly wounded man whose inner goodness has been shrouded by layers of pain and sadness. For some reason, I decided to stick with him, to share my world with him. In a span of just three months, I welcomed him into my life, the life I have come to build alone after years of devastation and self-doubt. I can say that it is far from perfect yet because I haven't moved on completely from my loss last year. I thought that maybe if I were to heal a person, maybe I could find complete healing, too. He was rarely sweet, but I was happy whenever we were together. For a while I was reminded of the happiness in life. Life exploded with colors but those colors quickly disappeared when he became distant, when he started to push me away (although he denies doing so) and I, naive and ignorant, did not know how to handle the situation. To me, the message was "You are not welcome in my life. Leave me alone."

The five day challenge in March proved to be helpful. It made me take a glimpse of what to expect should I enter into a relationship with him. It was a challenge I was able to overcome, but that was because our relationship was just starting. Not that much invested feelings yet.

Tears started to flow early in May, just when I was feeling loved and just when I thought this will be serious. I thought it would be the end, that he would end things with me because of his past which he assumed I wouldn't accept. A whole loadshit of baggage waiting to be unloaded. It was a fragile moment, a major decision for me. But it wasn't because of that that I felt hurt. The pain that pierced me stemmed from the feeling that he didn't trust me at all to have hidden that from me. I cried for two days and only stopped when people were being funny and laughing was hard to resist. I was reminded of the beauty of the world, that this is just one speck of the world's many problems and I should nit feel so bad because others have had it worse.

So I accepted him, hoping he would work hard for our relationship to blossom again. But things have changed. Maybr it was also the wrong timing. But it seemed I have not totally gotten past my initial heartbreak. I became insecure, I sought his "I love you's" but resisted so hard to nag. All the resistance came undone with just one question from him. That question unleashed all the pent up negative feelings inside which I thought I could control but turns out I am just an ordinary girl who can only hold in so much. What came was domino effect. I felt unappreciated and unaccepted. I found myself asking if the golden rule is even true. We both know our differences yet we entered into a relationship. But that question made me realize that differences could wreak havoc in our lives. I have always thought that we could fight for each other, that that was already implicit when we decided to be exclusive. I was wrong.

Then came the blaming and hurling of unkind words. After only two months, the romance stopped. I struggle to this day to understand why he entered my peaceful life only to disrupt it. On second thought maybe I was to blame for not being able to give him what he wants. Or maybe we both have expectations we never communicated and we acted on assumptions only, not knowing that what we offered were not what was needed. We failed to communicate effectively even though at the onset I suggested that we practice having open comms because we both suck at mind games (or maybe that was only me?)

Just this Thursday, I used my break to nap but ended up crying inside the room, taking advantage of the fact that nobody else was inside. Prior to that, I have cried in small amounts. That time was the worst because I thought if my heart would stop beating from too much pain, I would be found there unconscious, or probably with no life.

Thoughts ran inside my head. I wouldn't be okay without him (to answer one of his questions). It could have been better if he told me he doesn't want me anymore because I am blah blah blah so I can just move on and just hope to find someone who can appreciate and accept me for who I am. But he made it sound as if we were just victims of circumstances before which we are hopeless. And that's the hardest part, because moving on is next to impossible. You ask yourself if, when he said "I love you" did he really mean it? Was everything just a game? Did he get that satisfaction out of hurting a person whom many people admire and like but who has never been in a relationship before? I felt played on by someone who regards feelings as if they are mere commodities. Did he get a kick out of making a "strange and different" girl fall in love with him just to break her heart?

On the other hand, whenever I look back to the recent months, i could honestly say that he loved me, that he tried to also fight. But why is he giving up now? What do I have to do to prove that I am a totally different person? That I am not someone who will just turn around and leave when things get ugly. And I go back to questioning if he really trusted me all this time.

I refuse to believe the idea that you let go of a person because you love him/her. If you truly see your future with him/her, do you let go? Of course not! That's just a lousy excuse to make it seem like you are not a jerk. When you find the one you're looking for, you fight hard, work hard, love hard. Even though it hurts. Even though it breaks every fiber of your being. The world can judge you for being "weak" but it is only in loving a person with all your heart and with all your soul that you will find your salvation. When two people are truly in love with each other, they will never let go no matter what. They will take each other's hands and weather through everything.

"I hope you can handle the truth, that I am not meant for you because of my flaws."

The flaws I accepted in him, the flaws I have come to love. Only it doesn't matter now because he has let go of my hand.

Is it because I am too emotional? Because I cry easily? Even strong girls cry. I cry when I watch a good movie or read a very good book even if it's not drama. I cry when I glimpse beauty. I cry over the people I love, the very few people I can love. I cry when I know he is suffering and is in pain. I wouldn't want him to make a painful choice so I will force myself to accept his decision. Lastly I cry for myself, because I am just human and the heart can be fragile.

Now it becomes clear to me why the word for love in Chinese is also the word for pain. 疼 can mean both "to care for" and "to ache". Love and pain are intertwined. You cannot love without experiencing pain. Also, if it hurts, it's because you loved.

Why is it so easy for people to just discard relationships as if feelings do not matter. Why is it that "work it out" is no longer the norm? I used to believe in true love, looking to my grandparents' story for inspiration. Theirs was fraught with difficulties, but they overcame everything. They loved only once in their lifetime and carried it until the end. Is the world too f*ucked up to have people hurting each other the norm? Whatever happened to love, trust, integrity, compassion?

So I guess the world is indeed f*cked up.  But I don't want to live in a cold heartless world. So I choose to tread the path less travelled, to be a light that can endure burning, to love with so much tenderness and fierceness still. One day I will wake up a blank slate, the past behind me. When that day comes, I know that I will ever be more ready to face life's worse challenges.