Indescribable 2016

The last day of 2016, I spent most of the day alone working on my INC's for the simple reason that I do not want to be stressed out early in 2017 when I should be preparing for another hardcore semester. I really am excited but then again whenever I think of the many times I fell sick this year, the many times I thought of either giving up on my dream to obtain an MA degree or resigning from the present company where I have learned a LOT, sometimes I wonder where everything is headed to. This year life presented me with many paths, provided me with glimpses to many possible trajectories in my life as I am nearing 30 (and yet I still feel like a high school student... some people really don't change much).

I don't know how best to describe 2016, except that probably within this year that again, the mind expanded so much. In addition to that, I started to be a real social being, more social than I could ever have imagined. When before I used to do things alone, 2016 let me share some of life's moments with a special someone. (While I am tempted to again reminisce about the good and bad days, I will not. Not in this entry. I will reserve that for part 2 of my open letter.) When friends, especially male ones, used to reprimand me for being too cloistered, it is in 2016 when I finally let down my defenses. Those barbed wires limped, even the snipers became neglectful, the walls came tumbling down. (Two male friends, both who tried to get involved with me romantically, described my social defenses as such, that despite my warmth towards people, I really do not welcome anyone into my very private life.) And it was such an unforgettable experience because I matured socially and got to know about the opposite sex on a level other than mere friendship.

Probably due to my huge loss last year, I seemed to really have thrown everything to the winds this year. I joined strangers on a lecture expedition in Negros and learned a great deal about botany, wondering why the hell I didn't pursue it in college. (But then whenever I immerse in different disciplines I would often think that. Even so, my heart still belongs to languages. Such is the woe of a universalist, time and resources are the greatest hindrances so in the end, one shall content herself in having small bites of everything, like in a buffet.) The whole experience somehow made me ready for the year, a year marked by my return to the academe in the hope of finally getting an MA degree.

Mazu festivities in the streets

street play outside the Mazu Temple

I met relatives in Taiwan. Unlike our relatives here in PH, they were nice to me. They remind me of our relatives in HK who are so hospitable sometimes I felt like a prisoner because they always want to tag along with me wherever I go and I couldn't find enough me time. In Taiwan they only let me wander on my own for just four hours and I visited a temple and it was an auspicious day because they were celebrating the birthday of Mazu (天上聖母, Holy Heavenly Mother). I had to take care of my grandmother and also, people are always worried and I don't want them getting anxious. (But then they should know I can manage on my own. I speak fluent Mandarin and I am good at navigating new places. Sigh.) But I am thankful to them because they told me a lot of stories (my mom almost never tell stories about our relatives) and they treated me to a lot of wonderful food, foremost of which is the famous fragrant fried chicken sold in the sidewalks. YUM!

Wat Phra Mahathat in Ayutthaya, Thailand

The only other country I traveled to aside from Taiwan is Thailand. I booked my plane ticket following another episode of heartache and it was the day before I left for Baguio to join strangers on a hike to Mt. Ulap. I visited a former classmate A and was introduced to W. The three of us shared the same bed and it was a good thing I brought my sleeping bag with me so I didn't need a blanket and still retained my privacy somehow. The sleeping bag ate up half the space of my backpack so I was not able to shop around much which is a disgrace since most would go there to shop for clothes. I only bought a pair of Thai trousers and hankies. (#loser) But anyway, next time I go there, I'll have check-in luggage. HMP.

There just are too many things to do in Thailand and five days are not enough. I remember my former professors who told us about how images of the king are everywhere. Indeed they are, especially since King Bhumidol passed away in October this year. The plazas and monuments are always FULL of mourners in black. WOW! When I walked around Sriraj Hospital and visited some museums there, I discovered why. The king was instrumental in the rapid modernization of Thailand (and now TH surpasses PH in terms of infrastructure!!! They have a subway and an airport railway that's comparable to HK... I wanna cry)

2016 is also the time I finally got to go on solo trips to other places in Visayas aside from Bohol and Aklan. In addition to Negros, I visited Tacloban and Iloilo. Tacloban counts as my least favorite place to go to for the many bad experiences, except that trip also gave me sweet memories because he would always call me every night to check up on me. I almost drowned while bathing in a waterfalls; I didn't know there were deep parts. The horrors. I also hiked on my own, then guided by a kid mid-way who probably took pity on me. That hike resulted to a number of scars on my arms and legs which got office people panicking when they saw me with those scratches, and more so when I told them I went solo hiking. I got disappointed when arriving at Palo, the only heritage structure I saw was the church. I did visit Basey, Samar though and walking on San Juanico Bridge from Leyte to Samar was an experience I cannot forget. Little girl no more as I conquered my fears of crossing bridges on foot alone even though the structure was trembling every time vehicles would pass by. Also, this was my first time to rebook another ticket because I had to be at the office earlier than expected. My original plan of 10 days' leave was cut down to three, but it was all good because I badly wanted to go home already.

crossing San Juanico Bridge on foot

In Iloilo I attended a conference on history but quickly regretted doing so. Then again, my trip was not wasted because I finally saw my fourth baroque church here in PH. So there, I have now seen all four UNESCO heritage churches. So despite the heartaches and despite him not contacting me save for a few emails, I am happy to have achieved something significant this year. I cannot forget the people here in Iloilo. I should have accepted an invite years ago so I could have also visited Guimaras. When R comes back from Germany, I'll plan a trip there for us and hopefully go island hopping. I'll never forget the generous people here who took me in for two nights and even showed me around UP Miag-ao and dropped me off to my next destination which was two towns away or so. The least I could do was buy a tub of ice cream for the house owner's eldest who just turned 5. I was so heartbroken I wasn't thinking straight and before I could realize what I was doing, I said yes to an invitation to spend the night at a stranger's house. All I could think of was that there I was throwing my life to winds, as in a hardcore way.

Miag-ao Church in Iloilo, finally visited all four baroque churches included in the UNESCO heritage list

In Zamboanga City I was not able to wander around freely but then that special someone became sweet and took me on a motorcycle ride at night to see certain tourist spots like Fort Pilar and the City Hall which was made colorful at night because of its many lights. I am very thankful to him for driving me around so I guess one of my fantasies came true, which is to ride as a passenger on a motorcycle. I wish we could do that again, probably in Siquijor or maybe Masbate or Marinduque. Meeting his parents made me nervous but then his family was nice to me so I didn't have a hard time being with them. It's just that of course sometimes I am reminded of certain things and most of the time I wanted to cry but had to hold everything in. It helped that he was sweet while we were there and I will always cherish those moments we had.

Zamboanga Temple (a.k.a. Avalokiteshvara Temple)

In Zamboanga I met the friends of my mentor in historical research. Like her, they were all very friendly and amiable. One even told my fortunes, but I'm not telling anyone. She told me three things which are very true of me, and I didn't even drop hints of that when we were chatting. One thing that struck me was that she correctly said that I am suffering from chest pains and heartache. Okay, I really should try to meditate and calm down and not think about my love life too much. I read an article once that too much heartache can literally kill. Not now when my research has finally took off. Another important milestone is the discovery of a potential sanctuary where I can retire one day. The Buddhist Temple there looked inviting and it was my first time to attend a Buddhist mass while on a trip. (The other choice was a temple in Malabon where my dear great grandmother was cremated.) Unfortunately I wasn't able to visit a mosque. Boo.

Ipo Watershed

Where do broken hearts go? Probably drifting off to nowhere. Those times when I was so heartbroken I would join strangers and go hiking. Still depressed over our breakup in June, I signed up to participate in a tree-planting activity and story-telling engagement with the kids in Ipo Watershed. It was some sort of field trip for me and I got to know more about watersheds and how we can protect them. I also remember feeling like it's been years since I last saw the skies so blue. Following days of nonstop crying, the trip proved to be helpful in making me see the beauty of the world. The last few days of October, feeling betrayed and again depressed, I said yes to traverse Mt. Ulap. I invited a newfound friend whom I met during the tree-planting activity. A humble fellow who seemed to have easily warmed up to me. In one of our stops, I took the opportunity to lie down on the grass and savor the smell of the mountains in the north. Again, I was reminded of the beauty of the world.

Mt. Ulap traverse

2016 also marks the second time I showed Indonesian exchange students around. The National Museum had a free movie screening of the documentary "Call of Our Forefathers" and I invited them to watch with me. It was about Muslim Mindanao and I figured they might be interested. We had lunch at Robinsons Manila where I treated them to Vietnamese fare at Pho Bac. We also went to Solidaridad Bookstore and then were stuck in heavy traffic going to Makati only to head back to QC.

textile exhibit at the National Museum

In October, I watched dance performances at the Asian Center in UP. Pesta Igal was organized by a professor with whom I share the same interests. If I weren't too shy I would one day engage him in a conversation to talk about dances and ethnic music.

Pesta Igal

Another highlight this year is that I finally was able to push through with my first Ramadan experience. I have been telling myself to join our Muslim brothers and sisters for this and this year I succeeded. But I only did semi-fasting because I badly need water. For five weeks I fasted which coincided with my summer classes. It was difficult of course but eventually I got the hang of it. ON the last day though, I almost fainted in the school grounds. I had to take a leave to rest and rejuvenate. The heartache, sleepless nights, sudden fasting, stress at work, and depression all played a part in this. I badly wanted to just die and get over everything. For two months after that, my appetite was greatly reduced, much to the surprise of many.

In terms of skills, I leveled up a great deal again in Excel because of my new roles in the office. I also took Persian language lessons and I am proud to say that in class, I was the only one who could converse with our prof during the oral exam. I also finally took formal Japanese lessons and was often complimented by my profs because I sounded like a Japanese according to them. My many years of watching anime paid off. LOL. Except that I still have a long way to go (I think). A classmate in Japanese offered to teach me how to play the guitar and even connected me to a guitar seller so now I am a proud owner of one meant for performing. Except it will be a long time before I summon the courage to play in front of many people. So now I content myself with playing Chinese songs on it. Sad again because who else listens to the same songs I listen to? Sigh.

So I guess it's still a year well spent. Next year I will take extra good care of myself so that I won't get sick a lot. My sick leaves were greatly decimated this year and I am very unhappy about that. Above all dreams, above all ambitions, health should always be on top of one's priority lists. Also, I have to make sure I take special care of my heart. It's too fragile and the younger me did all she could to protect it, even build strong defenses against people. But I guess, being in love is the most essential human experience there is. It tests your will, your faith, your strength of character. I may just turn out to be one of the weakest persons alive in that department. But okay, deep breath, super deep breath. Here's to 2017!

Chicken Tiyula Itum

The day before Christmas, he finally fulfilled his promise to cook for me. (He had promised this many times, even on my birthday but that didn't materialize.) I wasn't in the know as to what he would prepare, but I had a strong feeling it would be chicken curry. We both love chicken and we both love spicy foods, including curry. (And somehow whenever I eat curry, I will always remember him...)

We went grocery-shopping together. We were supposed to buy the ingredients at the wet market but it was already noontime, too late. I chopped garlic and onions, sliced green bell peppers, and peeled and cut potatoes, while he marinated the chicken in charcoaled coconut and added spices like turmeric powder, pepper, Spanish paprika. Then he went out to but fresh coconut milk. I'm not too keen on using the one in can because I am too sensitive to tastes and canned coconut milk tastes like metal. So it was a good thing we were able to use the fresh one.

He first sauteed the garlic and onions in coconut oil and later on added olive oil which he found lying somewhere. LOL. It smelled really good. It's been a while since I last cooked at home because of my busy schedule and one of  my faves is the smell of sauteed onions and garlic. Yum!!! Enough to make me drool.

Once onions are caramelized, he put in the chicken and left it to simmer over medium heat.

Then, put in coconut milk. He told me that one has to keep on stirring when the coconut milk is poured in lest the milk coagulate.

He then added a knotted bunch of lemongrass. I instantly thought of tom yum. AT THIS POINT, I COULDN'T WAIT TO EAT!!! But then we had to wait until the meat is tender then we put in the potatoes and the sliced peppers. And wait some more. My stomach was already grumbling.

We had this simple meal of chicken tiyula itum and brown rice at around 2PM. YUM YUM YUM!!!

Notes:

1. Research where to buy burnt coconut meat. Then again, maybe I can do it on my own.

2. He says that when you cook, you must put in the right amount of salt. Because a bland cook is a bad spouse. (Which caused me to fantasize about being married to this guy who most times breaks my heart but then those few times he does things for me, I feel loved.)

3. To cook brown rice properly, rice to water ratio should be 1:1.5. That worked well because we got nicely cooked brown rice, not the extra dry one my sister makes because she wouldn't listen when I tell her she needs to put it more water. Hmp. @.@ (Okay, he really surprised me there. I thought he was just trying to impress when he told me before that he was a good cook. I, the [delusional] Cooking Master Girl, do not even know that [golden] ratio.)

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I wish we could do this more often instead of dining out which can really drain our wallets. This first time he cooked for me, just when I was feeling lonely because nobody fetched me at the airport when I came back from Thailand, I felt special for once, like I can be hopeful again that there's a future for the two of us. [But I dare not bring up the topic because he might just feel pressured again. So I will just write about my feelings. :( ]I was surprised to feel that way, because I have been travelling  by myself for years and I am used to going to the airport and coming home all by myself with no need of people to fetch me. But then, when you arrive in Manila on a December day, you will see other passengers being fetched by families. It's the holiday season, I forgot. I'm just not so into the season because I see it as just another marketing ploy towards consumerism. Mental note to self: never travel by plane in December.

Dear Love (Part 1)

To you who break my heart,

This is the first of the many letters that I planned to write. My writing somehow proved inutile when it didn't do anything to heal my heart, this heart that you broke numerous times, this heart that you played with and continued to toy with. And it was stupid of me to still hang on to you, because I believed, despite everything, that you loved me, too. But slowly as things begin to unfold, I am beginning to realize that I have been a fool and that being a fool for you can never be worth it.

I remember the feeling of happiness that swept through me in March and April. Two months of happiness, of love and trust. Two months of hearty laughter, of full trust and devotion and suddenly everything was lost. After that came almost eight months of pain, eight freaking months of emotional torture. They were right to describe love as a hurricane; it arrives at your doorstep and leaves behind much destruction.

Until this day, I cannot believe what a fool I was for letting you do what you did to me. I could have easily walked out of the door and many times I attempted, you would say things that would make me change my mind. I never liked guys, I never wanted to trust them. To me they are all cheaters, chauvinist, self-centered beings who are, in a nutshell, just like hurricanes, powerful and destructive. But whatever made me hang on, whatever made me decide to stay even though you attempted to break up and I think you did, implicitly, but still continue to see me from time to time, whatever that is that caused me so much pain 2/3 of this year, I do not know. Call it foolishness, call it audacity. Call it naivete, call it innocence. Laugh all you want, for bringing down this girl's defenses and finally making her cry not just once, but almost every single day that passes after that unforgettable day in May when, walking to the jeepney stop after a late-night dinner you told me something in your past that got me crying for two straight days. That was the start. Some days I would feel like I have finally moved on, but most days I felt this anger at you, anger at myself.

Do you remember those first few dates? Biking, reading together, jogging, eating, watching movies, or simply hanging out talking about politics, life, dreams, the future. I was slowly falling in love with you without knowing it. I admired your sense of discipline, I admired how tough you were when you faced the challenges that came your way. I came to like the way you talk, the way your eyes would sparkle when you felt proud of yourself, the animated manner in which you would narrate stories of your training... I adored every bit about you. I did not know you were not in love although you acted as if you were when you put your arms around me in a protective manner and when you held my hands in the jeep or bus. Or maybe you were, but all were gone too soon when you started pushing me away, when you started criticizing every little thing I do or say or dream about. One day I ignored you with a heavy heart, because in my mind, if you did not want me in your life, then I would be the one to create that much-needed distance. But you chased after me, consoled me, made me feel loved again. Then the cycle, that ugly vicious cycle.

So when you expressed your wish to break up with me, I already knew about it. Prior to that, I have been crying because I could already see where everything was headed to. You can create all sorts of excuses, you are free to do so, but do not make it seem like we were victims of circumstances. You said so yourself at the start, that you did not want to hurt me, that you did not create all these situations if it would only hurt me. Nice thoughtful words but actions speak louder and shortly after, tears have flowed incessantly.

But even then, I allowed myself to fall harder for you. I still looked forward to attending class hoping that you would be waiting for me after because that was what you did on the first day. I thought we had broken up. And many times after that, you would ask me to go out with you, leaving me utterly confused and yet I still chose to trust you. Simply because when we were still exclusive you would always tell me that you trust me. But this is one of my many mistakes. You are not me. Yet the rare times I would see you sitting on the waiting lounge reading while you wait for me, you wearing your eyeglasses and with shaven head, my heart would always skip a beat and something inside hurt, so much I wanted to cry but whenever I was with you I was filled with such happiness it took me long to realize that that was just temporary.

I have been making excuses for you, like "Oh, he's just busy", or "He's just frustrated with his life" or "He's just pressured". But those times when you do not make your presence felt and I learned you were "busy" with other people, with your office mates even, whom you see everyday and yet they still occupy your weekends when I thought you were busy with duties and homework, those times you made me feel insignificant. You made me feel as if I didn't matter. You made me feel unwelcome in your life. Again, I felt like a fool for defending you when in fact you were out there in the company of others. I would never demand that you spend all of your free time with me. I realized I really do not know you after all.

Too many skeletons inside your closet. Too many layers that need to be unmasked. Are you so broken that you need all those walls? I really am jealous of your exes even though I know I should not be (because hello, I am the Moon Goddess incarnate @.@ but then I traded my divinity for human love. What a fool...). When you tell me about them, what you did for them, what your family did for them, I often wonder if you would do the same for me or if you were so hurt you are now being overly cautious because you think I am like them. (Like, ewww it's so insulting! Never ever compare me to loose women who go around drinking and crashing in a stranger's bedroom, etc.) So they got the best of you, I unfortunately got the worst of you. Maybe I was also at fault. When I knew that, I should have stopped seeing you because it's clear you prefer those kind, not simple old-fashioned me. (I am not being morally condescending. To each his own. My point is, I may not be really what you prefer in a girl given the kind of woman you planned to marry.) And so again, super stupid. Is there no end to my foolishness?

Only I promised you something. And I am the type of person who stays true to her promise no matter what, no matter how difficult. (And that's why I seldom make promises, I prefer to just do things for people lest I end up disappointing them. Apparently, it's very very rare to find another person who can hold his principles to death.) So think things through. You always say you are pressured, even though there were already far too many compromises from my part, and too many concessions for you, even though I made sure I create a safe place for you by my side... or maybe they're still not enough? When I have been exerting efforts trying to rebuild what we have, you kept on instilling fear and doubts in me. Mind games. I often forget that you are an expert tactician (even though it's funny you fail to recognize who can do you good and who can do you harm). I still do not know where I stand in your life even though you drop hints here and there, it's not enough. I need explicit answers. I hate ambiguities. I don't need half-baked relationships. I certainly do not need to know your intentions because those are just intentions, without actual results. (Funny how you said before that you only had good intentions towards me... I wonder if that still holds true when you refuse to meet my family and I feel guilty because I cannot talk about you at home. My mom would not hear me out, all she says is, "let him visit here", and I am torn. I know they think badly of me and I do not want that. I understand where they are coming from. You are not a girl, so you wouldn't understand what I am going through. But think of your sister, or your close female cousin. When they go out with someone, wouldn't you feel the need to know whom they go out with? Again, my fault for still entertaining you despite this setup that feels like betraying my own family, the people whom I grew up with.)

So I guess this time it's you who should make the effort. I have adjusted far too much. Funny how this stupid girl, despite her foolishness, can be full of courage as to enter the den of lions again and again and again, each time leaving a part of her heart behind that I am afraid there will come a time when her heart will be so consumed that she will walk on this world without life, without hope, without faith, without love.

I wish I were selfish sometimes. It will do me a lot of good. People have always been taking advantage of the goodness of this world. Yet I remember those rare lights that should endure burning. :(

I should start writing the draft of my novel soon. If heavens' will be done, in two years' time I will transition to a new life. Whether you will be part of that or not remains to be seen. Your call now if you want me in your life when you keep on pushing me away because you do not even know what you want. In the meantime, I will do all I can to be a better person while I wait for that someone who can handle me, who can respect and love and care for me, who can be true and faithful to me, who can accept me for who I am, who will never belittle my dreams, who will never doubt my capabilities, who will never compare me to others (because frankly, it's insulting).

So there... more rants to come because I am close to the point of exploding. What my parents see in me is true, I have far more courage than most people, even compared to men. But as if cursed, that courage also brings pain and suffering.

Hmph.

Birthday Blues 2016

Four months on hiatus and now I find myself facing two weeks before my birthday. The ultra hectic schedule and an endless list of tasks, add to that the worsening holiday traffic, everything seems to be onthe wrong side.

And yesterday, news of the dictator Marcos' burial in Heroes' Cemetery made me anxious about the future of this country. People are not happy and rallies were organized in different places on short notice. I worry that this might cause a civil war. The AFP, represented by the acting chief of staff Lt. Gen. Glorioso Miranda, was shown to hand over the Philippine flag to Imelda during the funeral rites. It is not hard to see that AFP will be at the receiving end of the people's criticisms and discontent yet again. The Marcoses, desiring to keep the whole thing solemn and private, were described as "thieves of the night" this time just as they were "thieves in broad daylight" during the height of the Marcos era.

As a social scientist, I find it amazing how today's technology is able to mobilize a huge number of people into action in a moment's notice. Anyone is bound to remember the role social media played in bringing down Middle Eastern regimes perceived to be corrupt. Since last night, people have gathered at the People Power Monument, aming other places, to voice out their discontent. In social media, activists have been flooding the newsfeeds with posts on human rights, corruption, and revisionist history. The trending hashtag: #Marcosnotahero or variations of such.

On the other side, there are people who espouse moving on and forgiveness using religion as a tool to "promote peace", but it backfires. They are quick to be ridiculed as ignoramuses who are told to read more about the Marcos years. This is where our heavily flawed education system is manifested. Supposedly well-educated people, the likes who graduated from UST (thank God I haven't come across a UP graduate who is in favor of the honors bestowed on Marcos) even, are surprisingly lacking in critical thinking. Move on and forget? Yes, there are many more issues that demand our attention, but to bury a dictator in a place reserved for those who contributed positively to the general public? Or has the concept of "hero" changed for these people? The reason why this is a big deal is because it adds insult to injury. Our being Manila-centric is again showing. We know very little about the peripheries. Our understanding of the Muslim South is so pitifully small and full of misconceptions. How many people have heard of the massacres of innocent civilians? How many people have heard of the Jabidah massacre, the Malisbong massacre? Does the average person know that cultural genocide has been taking place here in our very own country?

I do not blame these people. I remember reading only the positive things Marcos did for PH when I was in elementary. I remember being awed that wow, he stayed in power for 20 years! Back then, I did not understand Martial Law. My parents both praise Marcos for it because they said it brought back discipline. It was only in college when I heard about stories of crimes against humanity. I began reading more, listening to more stories, asking more questions. At the end of the day, when these stories surface, the good and the bad, you can't help but be stuck. There were stories that Marcos was being defamed by the Americans because he suddenly shifted foreign policy to include communist/socialist states. And there are the arguments that the post-Marcos years were also rife with human rights injustices but why are we venerating the Aquinos?

Again, we see how people think in black and white. Criticize one and you're surely an ally of the other camp. Can't we be just mature citizens who are just being vigilant, who are just exercising democracy to ensure that the government is not oppressing the people???

And there are many more issues to this. My mind is tired. My heart is tired. Just as I was starting to trust D, this happens. Why are we so good at betraying trust? Why is credibility no longer important?

I go back to asking these same questions, how we have drifted far away from morality, how this world is consumed by materialism we no longer give importance to spirituality. I cannot help but think of the tragedies that occured in my personal life, how I wished so hard to just disappear from this world because I found it inhabitable, too cold, too dark, too cruel. The inner longing to go back to the point of origin is more intense than ever. I just want to dissociate myself from this world.

This year I lost my innocence. This year I lost my optimism. This year I lost the will to effectuate change. I lost it all, I lost my self, I lost my dreams. Last year was the beginning and this year things worsened. I wonder what's in store for me next year? But maybe it's not a bad thing altogether being exposed to the cruel sides of the world. I never knew how strong I was, or maybe it is just innate in me to perform well despite the misfortunes of life? That despite my shattered self, my brain still functions well, though admittedly not as well as before. Sad.

Maybe I am just reaping what I sowed. I wasn't able to fully show my love to the Light of my life. That guilt made me go the extra mile in loving a new person in my life, afraid that I might make the same mistake of losing a person without showing the depth and breadth of my love. Yet it was still a mistake. So I am back to slowly building my own shell, which shattered to a million pieces those times I chose to love fiercely without hesitation, without limits. Maybe I loved the wrong person. Or maybe the time is not right. Who are we to know? I only know that if I believe in something, I will really do everything, that I will take great pains to protect something I hold sacred and dear. Except it might just be grasping for the wind, leaving me frozen in the same exact spot where I was left hanging.

I'm just too old-fashioned. I am not meant to live in today's world marked by a hyperconsumerist culture. I cannot compare. I cannot compete. I cannot thrive. Authenticity is too strong that everyone else is overwhelmed. I must relearn the art of solitude. 

Love, Pain, and Becoming a Light

Having experienced my first break up after just three months of dating made me question many things about life and love. Before falling hard for the first man to ever sweep me off my feet, I used to think that love is something that will be a tough challenge because it would entail sacrifice, lots of it, but that the rewards will be more than what you would expect. With that belief, no matter how difficult it is to love someone whose intentions eventually  became blurry and muddled, I carried on loving him, fighting those ugly thoughts in my head, fighting against myself for feeling neglected. I chose to love and trust him with all my heart although it was hard because everything would always catch me by surprise. For love, I chose not to listen to my gut feel. I chose to meet the trust he gave me. (Although truth be told, I had a lot of misgivings. In essence, I had to battle it out with my fears that one day he would just leave me behind.)

Once he asked what my gut feel tells me about him. I sensed a terribly wounded man whose inner goodness has been shrouded by layers of pain and sadness. For some reason, I decided to stick with him, to share my world with him. In a span of just three months, I welcomed him into my life, the life I have come to build alone after years of devastation and self-doubt. I can say that it is far from perfect yet because I haven't moved on completely from my loss last year. I thought that maybe if I were to heal a person, maybe I could find complete healing, too. He was rarely sweet, but I was happy whenever we were together. For a while I was reminded of the happiness in life. Life exploded with colors but those colors quickly disappeared when he became distant, when he started to push me away (although he denies doing so) and I, naive and ignorant, did not know how to handle the situation. To me, the message was "You are not welcome in my life. Leave me alone."

The five day challenge in March proved to be helpful. It made me take a glimpse of what to expect should I enter into a relationship with him. It was a challenge I was able to overcome, but that was because our relationship was just starting. Not that much invested feelings yet.

Tears started to flow early in May, just when I was feeling loved and just when I thought this will be serious. I thought it would be the end, that he would end things with me because of his past which he assumed I wouldn't accept. A whole loadshit of baggage waiting to be unloaded. It was a fragile moment, a major decision for me. But it wasn't because of that that I felt hurt. The pain that pierced me stemmed from the feeling that he didn't trust me at all to have hidden that from me. I cried for two days and only stopped when people were being funny and laughing was hard to resist. I was reminded of the beauty of the world, that this is just one speck of the world's many problems and I should nit feel so bad because others have had it worse.

So I accepted him, hoping he would work hard for our relationship to blossom again. But things have changed. Maybr it was also the wrong timing. But it seemed I have not totally gotten past my initial heartbreak. I became insecure, I sought his "I love you's" but resisted so hard to nag. All the resistance came undone with just one question from him. That question unleashed all the pent up negative feelings inside which I thought I could control but turns out I am just an ordinary girl who can only hold in so much. What came was domino effect. I felt unappreciated and unaccepted. I found myself asking if the golden rule is even true. We both know our differences yet we entered into a relationship. But that question made me realize that differences could wreak havoc in our lives. I have always thought that we could fight for each other, that that was already implicit when we decided to be exclusive. I was wrong.

Then came the blaming and hurling of unkind words. After only two months, the romance stopped. I struggle to this day to understand why he entered my peaceful life only to disrupt it. On second thought maybe I was to blame for not being able to give him what he wants. Or maybe we both have expectations we never communicated and we acted on assumptions only, not knowing that what we offered were not what was needed. We failed to communicate effectively even though at the onset I suggested that we practice having open comms because we both suck at mind games (or maybe that was only me?)

Just this Thursday, I used my break to nap but ended up crying inside the room, taking advantage of the fact that nobody else was inside. Prior to that, I have cried in small amounts. That time was the worst because I thought if my heart would stop beating from too much pain, I would be found there unconscious, or probably with no life.

Thoughts ran inside my head. I wouldn't be okay without him (to answer one of his questions). It could have been better if he told me he doesn't want me anymore because I am blah blah blah so I can just move on and just hope to find someone who can appreciate and accept me for who I am. But he made it sound as if we were just victims of circumstances before which we are hopeless. And that's the hardest part, because moving on is next to impossible. You ask yourself if, when he said "I love you" did he really mean it? Was everything just a game? Did he get that satisfaction out of hurting a person whom many people admire and like but who has never been in a relationship before? I felt played on by someone who regards feelings as if they are mere commodities. Did he get a kick out of making a "strange and different" girl fall in love with him just to break her heart?

On the other hand, whenever I look back to the recent months, i could honestly say that he loved me, that he tried to also fight. But why is he giving up now? What do I have to do to prove that I am a totally different person? That I am not someone who will just turn around and leave when things get ugly. And I go back to questioning if he really trusted me all this time.

I refuse to believe the idea that you let go of a person because you love him/her. If you truly see your future with him/her, do you let go? Of course not! That's just a lousy excuse to make it seem like you are not a jerk. When you find the one you're looking for, you fight hard, work hard, love hard. Even though it hurts. Even though it breaks every fiber of your being. The world can judge you for being "weak" but it is only in loving a person with all your heart and with all your soul that you will find your salvation. When two people are truly in love with each other, they will never let go no matter what. They will take each other's hands and weather through everything.

"I hope you can handle the truth, that I am not meant for you because of my flaws."

The flaws I accepted in him, the flaws I have come to love. Only it doesn't matter now because he has let go of my hand.

Is it because I am too emotional? Because I cry easily? Even strong girls cry. I cry when I watch a good movie or read a very good book even if it's not drama. I cry when I glimpse beauty. I cry over the people I love, the very few people I can love. I cry when I know he is suffering and is in pain. I wouldn't want him to make a painful choice so I will force myself to accept his decision. Lastly I cry for myself, because I am just human and the heart can be fragile.

Now it becomes clear to me why the word for love in Chinese is also the word for pain. 疼 can mean both "to care for" and "to ache". Love and pain are intertwined. You cannot love without experiencing pain. Also, if it hurts, it's because you loved.

Why is it so easy for people to just discard relationships as if feelings do not matter. Why is it that "work it out" is no longer the norm? I used to believe in true love, looking to my grandparents' story for inspiration. Theirs was fraught with difficulties, but they overcame everything. They loved only once in their lifetime and carried it until the end. Is the world too f*ucked up to have people hurting each other the norm? Whatever happened to love, trust, integrity, compassion?

So I guess the world is indeed f*cked up.  But I don't want to live in a cold heartless world. So I choose to tread the path less travelled, to be a light that can endure burning, to love with so much tenderness and fierceness still. One day I will wake up a blank slate, the past behind me. When that day comes, I know that I will ever be more ready to face life's worse challenges.

Doors

Early this week, as I walked home late at night after a tiring day, I saw visions of doors, some slightly ajar, most closed, one slowly closing. It was a dark place and I felt the need to run after that door that was closing in slow motion. But no matter how fast I tried to run, I couldn't seem to close the distance between us. It was a quick vision and I hurried home, fearful for what might happen to me while out in the streets at night.

Yesterday was her first death anniversary. I cried as I looked back on what happened last year, how I was filled with regrets and guilt because I was not sure if I had shown her sufficiently how much I loved her. At random moments of my life, I would tell her to come away with me and my sisters. I wanted just the four of us together and I would imagine that we would have a peaceful life. That didn't happen. My sisters refused. Still I hoped so much that when she reaches old age, I would be there to care for her, just as she had cared so much for me when I was an infant.

Then yesterday, there was one more reason to cry although I tried to control my tears. A wanted us to break up. I could imagine him getting tired and sick of the pressures surrounding him more so now when he is busy at work. Since Ramadhan started, he has told me little by little about these. I was confused and hurt, because I knew what was coming even before he asked me "would you be okay without me?" this week. Maybe it is a blessing to have this little gift of presience, to somehow cushion the impact.

I couldn't give a definite answer. It was a scary proposition. I know he has our best interests in mind, but I know that once we give up on each other, it will be the end.

More than ever, he emphasized our differences. We both knew. We have discussed these prior to us getting serious. But it should happen that things will get more difficult. This early, I have already cried an ocean of tears. I do not want to lose him, and I hate myself for being too proud. There are many things I have been doing for our sake which he knows nothing about because I do not want to disappoint him in case I fail. But I guess it is too late now.

Exactly a year after I lost an important person, I would experience the same now. That door that was slowly closing, I do not know if it will really close. I feel like I am transported back to my three year old self when I threw tantrums and cried so hard pleading the Light not to leave me when she tried to go on a vacation.

Even if doors open for me, I doubt if I can have the heart to enter new ones. His will forever be the one for me. When I knew him, I know that I must not leave him. There is the feeling that everything will not turn out right if we get separated. But if he is the one leaving, then there is nothing I can do. It will be difficult, I do not know what will happen next. The door is closing and I couldn't reach it.

A Tale of Love and Darkness (2015)

Ramadhan started on the 6th of this month. That day, he told me we are not to see each other for one whole month. I was hurt and troubled. I know he is busy and all, but most times I find myself thinking if I really have a place in his heart and in his life.

So on the 9th, before I jump into an extra hectic schedule which I embraced wholeheartedly to somehow keep him off my mind, I decided to watch a movie alone. It was funny how that week there were heated exchanges of SMS and all throughout the week I was crying hard. Yet we still manage to remind each other to bring an umbrella because the rainy season is upon us. Or maybe we just want to find an excuse to text each other and show that we care despite the misunderstandings. Either way, when he texted to say it was raining and for me to take care going home, I replied saying I would be at UP to "take a walk because I just wanted to be in a place full of trees". Wild child still.

But I fought hard, braving the heavy Metro traffic, to end up at UPFI to attend the free screening of A Tale of Love and Darkness, a movie by Natalie Portman. It's a heartbreaking movie (or maybe I read too much of my own situation into it) about a family striving to live a normal life in the new state of Israel following World War 2. The Palestinians are of course not too happy since the state was formed on their land. (And we see how malicious the West is when they cause border and frontier issues which remain to this day.) The movie was based on Amos Oz's book of the same title, an autobiography that reveals his pro-Zionist sentiments but without discounting the possible peaceful coexistence with Palestinians.

Amos' story focused in his mother Fania, played by Natalie Portman herself. Fania was a romantic, seemingly infatuated with a strong man who can do manual labor, in contrast to the person she married. Amos' father was a writer who loved etymologies, by the way, and he took pride in this as this gift was what made Fania fall in love with him. Unbeknownst to him, Fania suffers from the marriage, snubbed and bullied by her mother-in-law. Until there came a point when she falls into depression and young Amos had to take care of her. And she repeatedly told him that he was her Light, her only joy. (At this mention, I couldn't help but cry as I thought of the Light of my Life...)

The movie ends showing a teenager Amos driving a tractor. He had become a farmer, a realization of his mother's fantasies.

*************************

Rarely do I see a jampacked UPFI and because I came in around 7:20, I had to be on my feet for the whole duration of the film. Didn't matter to me because I liked the movie although the love part was not emphasized. Darkness pervades the whole film. Love was evident only in Fania's sweet talk to young Amos and well, how Amos put her as the central character in the story.

Jeepney Scene 9

Nitong lumipas na linggo, nakaranas na naman ako ng nakakainis habang nasa jeep. Ako'y patungong unibersidad bandang a las 3 ng hapon at may isang lalaki na sumakay na may hawak na isang basong Dairy Queen na ice cream. Ang init noong hapng iyon, wala namang nakakagulat doon kasi summer na at El Niño pa!

Nakaupo ang lalaki sa dulo ng jeep, halos kaharap ko dahil ako naman ang nakaupo sa pinakadulo pero dahil pumapasok ang init sa jeep ay hindi ko sinagad sa sukdulan ang pag-upo sa dulo. Nang matapos siyang kumain ay inilagay niya ang baso sa ilalim ng upuan. Napatingin ako sa harap para tingnan kung may basurahan at hinarap ang lalaki sabay turo sa basurahan. "May basurahan po o, " sabi ko.

Dahil nasa dulo siya, nag-asta siyang tila gusto itapon pero dahil sa nasa dulo siya ay "hirap" siya. Sa inis ko ay hinigi ko ang baso at ako mismo ang nagtapon, kahit na hindi naman kami nagkakalayo. Nakakahiya naman sa kanya.

Grabe lang, mga Pinoy. Kailan kaya kayo magiging mapag-alaga sa kapaligiran??? Ang galing ninyo magpost ng kung ano-ano sa Facebook lalo nung kasagsagan ng Heneral Luna, pero hindi ninyo talaga magawang tumino. Grabe lang. Lahat tayo umaasa sa magandang pagbabago pero ang tunay na pagbabago ay nagsisimula sa sarili.

Campaigns and Divisions

So social media is awashed with posts on the elections, and suddenly everybody is an expert in the field of politics. I'm not condemning anyone and I find it amusing to see people politically engaged and exercising freedom of speech as each campaigns for his or her chosen candidates. As an exercise of democracy, the elections play a significant role in bringing out the voice of the masses by putting into positions the persons voted by the majority.

In the process, instead of cute cat videos and satirical "must make it until payday" memes, we see a lot of posts on the recently held debates. For once, as the fate of the nation hinges on the upcoming elections, and as people's votes are all equal regardless of social rank and status, it is nowhere in Philippine history where the exercise of democracy is thus manifested. This is aside from the organized People Power/ EDSA revolutions that ousted from power those deemed incompetent to run the country though funny how one still became Mayor of Manila after being removed from power.

Also in the process we see a lot of online bickering. People easily get carried away and we see friends turning into foes simply because they support different candidates. And here we see one of the ugly aspects of democracy: people become so engrossed in their idea of freedom, in their idea of what constitutes as "best"and become tyrants themselves, tyrants in the sense that they seek to dominate everything and prove people wrong when in fact, they themselves are not infallible. Countless times I had to resist the urge to counter these posts but I'd rather keep my peace and not engage. I still think that we need unity more than ever if we are to propel this nation to greatness and instilling conflicts definitely does not help.

Which then makes me think about how different the Philippines is compared to other Southeast Asian nations. We are never a mindful people, and we never care for rules. We are all little anarchists under the guide of a democratic system imposed on us by the West (i.e. USA). Imagine what could have been were Buddhism gained a major footing in this country. Then there will be tolerance and respect. (Of course this is just, broadly speaking, an observation. Being Buddhist does not necessarily mean being tolerant of others as we have seen in Sri Lanka and Myanmar where religious violence takes place.)

Which also reminds me of quotidian politics. In any group or organization, there will always be people who will create rifts in order to gain allies in case he/ she will need to mobilize people. This divide will rest on commonalities and more often than not, bitches (i.e. mean girls though boys are also capable of this) will unite and create an "enemy" by means of othering. I have seen manifestations of this and more so in the workplace. What is funny though is that you will hear them bash each other when one is not present but when they come together they seem like the best of friends. Oh well. (This is admittedly a digression and I can't help but write about this...)

So campaign for your candidates with all your heart and soul. It is your right. But never forget that in doing so, you should not expect a reward because for your chosen candidate, your existence is negligible. Never forget that having respect for your friends and for their choices, absurd as they may be, should be top priority. Practice respect, tolerance, and humility.

And speaking of, I have yet to make a final decision... @.@

Chinese Poetry 001

While on a pensive mood inside the library, I cannot help but rewrite a Chinese poem which somewhat alludes to ChuangTzu's butterfly dream.

Repel illusions. Focus on reality. What seems is not what is.

Depression kicking in but I don't plan to lose.

Hell Week

I am just glad the first of two hell weeks is now over.

This week, I had consecutive meetings at work, leaving me unable to attend to the core processes that we do. I hope it doesn't affect my performance this year. Add to that the two papers and two reports. Whew! So for 10 consecutive days I have had very little sleep averaging at just 3.5 per day, which is sooooo below the minimum required for my cutie sleep.

It's amazing that I still was able to not fall asleep. Maybe there was the adrenaline rush. Anyhow, I'm glad that theres's only one more week to go then I can already breatehe well and smile and relax while having my normal 8 hours of cutie sleep. My noontime nap has been very helpful in making me focus on taking on the important action items. That and the fact that I fall asleep while in transit. Energy may not be fully restored but it sure was sufficient to last me until I get home.

So today I went out with a guy who shares funny stories about himself and about other things. We watched London has Fallen after lunch at Ramen Santouka (my second time there which attests to this resto's good food), and he might just be the perfect movie companion because he was able to explain to me how intelligence units function and rescue operations are carried out. Cool!

It's also cool to get to know someone who's totally different from the usual people I encounter. It was an honor to be told that I'm interesting (probably because I am too outspoken LOL), a compliment I get a lot from people but most would also find me equally intimidating so they'd rather step back, which for me seems like an insult. I don't understand what people see in me sometimes. In general, old folks and younger people adore me, but people my age don't. @.@

Aaaaand I just added a pile of readings on my list. Busy days ahead. But I'm loving it because I'm learning a lot and I can feel that I'm growing again. Somebody save me from stagnation!!! I'll always be grateful to our supervisor for giving me these opportunities. Speaking of which, I will miss him so much but I can't tell him that because it would be awkward. @.@

February 2016

February being the month of love finds me reconnecting with many people.

The first weekend, my highschool friends and I finally were able to schedule a mini reunion at K Pub where we had fun talking about high school life. (I initially thought I wouldn't be able to consume a lot of meat but having grilled chicken or beef wrapped in lettuce creates wonders.) It's amazing that my friends still remember many things about me, but most especially the unforgettable umbrella episode wherein I broke an umbrella which scared the shit out of them. So they teased me, calling me bakemono (monster). No insult for me, in fact I took it as a compliment and I felt like a strong little girl. (And they would tell me I'm like Biscuit who looks like a cute girl most of the time but transforms into a muscled woman when it's time to fight.) I'm glad that finally one of my guy friends has a GF. So that means among the five of us, only two are left with no love life. (All four of them are boys and due to my scholastic standing I was considered the boss. LOL.)

The following week, I had a date with my mom, just the two of us, on a weekday. We watched Everything About Her, starring Vilma Santos, Angel Locsin, and Xian Lim. (I just find AL too beautiful and I haven't seen a lot of her on TV except for the Saturday talent show which bores me BTW so no thanks.) We had light snacks at Figaro then quick shopping, then movie. After the movie, we had dinner at Shi Lin, her choice because she wants to eat xiaolongbao which is aligned to my expectations as well.

That same weekend, I traveled all the way to Laguna just to see a friend whom I missed a lot. Whoever says that I don't value friendship is dead wrong. I may be busy but I make sure to be there for a friend in need. And this is exactly what happened. I think she needed to be surrounded with friends following a breakup. So we ended up chatting until very late in the evening. It's sooooo good to be around her again. I think the reason why we jive so much is because we're both respectful of other people's views. We tend to disagree on things like art theory (she's an art studies major) but most times we have similar views especially when it comes to politics and civil service.

Third weekend was spent with a researcher whom I met at a conference last year. It was soooo good to see her again and to experience her warmth and generosity. We hang out at the library as she was finishing her research before we visited her friend who was equally warm to me. Then she toured me at the wet market in Kamuning and we had dinner at the heritage resto Kamuning Bakery Cafe where I had the longganisa pasta. Yummy!

Third Sunday was spent working on reports. Not yet finished but I sneaked out of the house to watch Deadpool with co-volunteers because Z was temporarily in the PH and would be returning back to China soon. It was an ambush invite but I was glad I was able to meet with them. I had loads of fun with the highly wittily comedic movie.

On the last week, I finally was able to visit my first godchild. Cool!!! The father has become a close friend following our deployment in Cavite last year doing volunteer work. And I finally met his wife, a lovely and warm woman, sweet and caring to their child. I'm so honored to be chosen as the godmother, seeing what a loving couple they are. (And yet they throw me that one question I often hate: When are you getting married???  >.< But I don't even have a boyfriend!!!)

There You'll Be- Valentine's Day 2016

I spent last weekend in Los Banos, Laguna following a sudden invite from a former classmate. We've been planning to meet up since last November but found it hard to sneak the date in our busy schedule. Last Saturday was different. I woke up at 5:30am (instead of the planned 4:30) and left Cubao at 6am. I was lucky to have arrived just as the bus was driving out of the terminal.

We chatted a lot as soon as we saw each other. Four years of just chatting on Facebook was not enough. I cooked curry noodles for her and then we went to UPLB for some yoghurt treat. In the afternoon, we went to Laguna Hotsprings to take a dip in one of Pansol's hotspring resorts. I wanted to submerge my body in the hot waters hoping for the complete healing of my knee which was slightly injured from my last waterfalls hike. But disappointingly, the water was not hot. But we were treated to a surprise fish spa when late in the afternoon, some janitorfish were biting off our dead skin cells. Cute. It was so relaxing I fell asleep. LOL.

While in the waters we talked a lot, catching up on each other's lives. It was comforting to know that I can ask even personal questions and get honest answers. Purely girl talk, plus more. ;)

We had a quick nap before we had dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant and I had their version of tom yum. The shrimps were overcooked but they were in fairly good size so I couldn't compain much. Then off we went to the UP Fair, my first ever. And we both laugh at how I had to travel far to experience UP Fair!

There were lots of people but I didn't mind because being with her is so much fun. Perhaps next year I will try to see for myself what UPD Fair is like. And maybe, just maybe, ask that guy out. (That guy with whom I became close to in Bacolod. He inspires me a lot, and it's pretty rare that guys inspire me this much.)

The following day, my friend and I took a long walk inside UPLB and had breakfast at IRRI canteen. I sneaked a peek at the museum and it's awesome!!! Since I have a bit of grudge at IRRI for not helping the local farmers, I asked that uncomfortable question to her and she clarified that that is PhilRice's job and that IRRI is an international organization. Well that explains things. We really cannot rely on our government to level the playing field and provide a bright future for everyone, which is why I never want to work under it despite the many offers.

It was super hot like the day before and I was afraid I might get dehydrated but we still walked, being pooritas that we are. We had lunch at a Thai resto where I got to eat awesome pad thai. My friend's order of beef noodle soup is also very delicious so I will be ordering that the next time I drop by.

I left Laguna around 2pm, fearing I might get stuck in heavy traffic if I go home late. It's Valentine's Day after all and I would also like to spend the day with my family. Turned out ny sisters went out and so I ended up attending mass with mom and bro.

At night, I finally was able to draw a younger version of my yaya and me as a baby. Hot tears fell but I hope this way I am able to honor her memory on this day of hearts. Because of all the people in the world, she was the one who loved me the most. And this week, falling into contemplation yet again, I thought about how I was able to go through the challenges of life because of her, and how, despite her passing, we seem to be closer than ever. Because I refuse to forget even though it hurts a lot, even though when thoughts of her pop in my mind, I am sure to get teary-eyed and lately it's been hard to control.

So I'm dedicating a drawing and the song "There You'll Be" to the Light of my life. Happy Valentine's Day, yaya. I miss you everyday. 

January 2016

The year opened without a message for myself as I was accustomed to do in the past. The tragedy that struck last year almost paralyzed me and 2016 seemed to be like conquering a new frontier without a compass. It is of course, no big problem for a drifter but having lost an important person whose support had been unwavering and highly encouraging can be devastating.

January is the start of a new chapter in my life. Ten years ago with wide-eyed innocence I stepped in UP Diliman with a big thirst and hunger for knowledge. My first two visits were with the Light. Now, as I embark on a three-year journey towards the fulfillment of a personal goal, I venture alone. I know I can make her proud in this new lease on academic life.

love walking on this road lined with tall trees in Mambukal Resort

solo time at the 7th falls

The first weekend was spent in Negros. It's been a dream to go around Visayas and I am happy that this early I was able to travel. Bacolod is a wonderful place with wonderful people. It's hard to fall in love at first because what greeted me when I entered the city was pollution and it felt as if I were in Metro Manila. But spending time in Mambukal Resort where I hiked up to the seventh falls to bathe with only a guide and then capping off my visit in the ofuro where I chatted with two nice ladies with whom I hitched a ride back to Bacolod, I was temporarily relieved of the depression. 

solo dinner at Mely's garden where I consumed a total of 500 g of seafood. Love the sinigang with batuan and the grilled stuffed squid is also heavenly.

Bacolod Capitol at night

Add to that my awesome stay at Danjugan Island where I got acquainted with bright botanists and where I made friends with some of them. I grew fond of a boy there who's still in his undergraduate studies and I can very well see that with his kindness and brightness he will surely succeed in life. I am also happy to have met cool people with whom I can be comfortable. I wouldn't have expected to share a room with two complete strangers but I did and I think it somehow created an unspoken alliance. Hopefully I get to join them in ethnobotany and other plant research.

honored to be with this wonderful group of botanists

lovely sunset at Danjugan Island which is too beautiful to make one sad

 My last day was spent in Silay but I didn't get to roam around much because I was still tired and sleepy. Nice to have talked to an owner of El Ideal who recommended to me more of Silay's attractions aside from their ancestral houses. We just visited two due to lack of time. I also was able to hear mass at the church but couldn't understand much because everything was in Hiligaynon.

El Ideal's version of pancit malabon: YUMMY!

To make the most of my time before I get busy starting the 3rd week of January, I joined a group of climbers for a hiking adventure. I have been telling my friends countless times that I want to hike up Mt. Manalmon and go on a sidetrip to San Miguel to see the ancestral houses there but everybody was too busy. This time, I didn't let the opportunity pass. We hiked up Mt. Gola first then Mt. Manalmon, both easy climbs. Then we did some caving in Bayucboc Cave. Really except there are some difficult parts there especially for a vertically challenged person like me. Last, we swam at Madlum River.

The following week, I found myself in Laguna. I was invited to an open birthday climb by a hiker who was celebrating his birthday. We became close when we were in Pulag in 2015. Anyway, this time we went falls trekking: Hulugan Falls, Talay Falls, and Hidden Falls. Talay Falls was where we set up rappelling equipment and of the non-experts I was the first to go so I suffered from minor slipping accidents twice. The slope was slippery and one time I slipped and fell into a pool. Thank God I was uninjured but it made my whole body sore for days after.

On the way home from Laguna to Cubao, we had the bad luck of having to stand for some 2 hours inside the bus. My legs were already tired and I badly wanted to sleep. Even so, I managed to take a hot bath at home before going to sweet sleep.

Also this January, I attended the UPFI showing of "Iisa", an indie film about how a typhoon disaster can bind together people regardless of whatever social groups. Bonus is having a groufie with the beautiful Maria Isabel Lopez who was very charming and game. She even taught me the correct angle for the photo! :D

A Bit Ready for Tomorrow

So precious holiday season in 2015 was spent in the office instead of at home. It's okay, as a family we hardly travel together and we see each other every weekends except when I have out-of-town trips. I see it as some sort of distraction to keep me from missing the Light too much. It was the first Christmas, first New Year that she was not with us.

Yesterday browsing through photos in my external HD, I found not a few pictures of her. And luckily she was, for the most part, my subject when I first got hold of my Sony camera in 2011. It's comforting to know that I have saved the videos which still make me laugh because of the silly things she does when on cam, knowing I am behind the camera.

Makes me thankful that at the very least these gadgets are attainable by ordinary people like me. In the 90s only the rich can afford camcorders.

Good news is that I finally was able to tick off five items on my holiday to-do list:

1. Write an article for an online newspaper about the ugly side of the holiday season. I focused more on the huge amount of trash and on illegal street vendors who block pedestrian pathways. The 24th and the 25th were days I finally took courage to bring my camera and do fieldwork in the metro, something I would always shy away from for fear of having my cam stolen.

2. Send photos of artifacts requested by an ex-professor. I have sent the same zipped file for her countless times before. I hope this is the last time. Digging through my files just eats up time for me thanks to my unfocused mind and my tendency to reminisce while looking up photos and videos.

3. Complete tasks for a new project.

4. Finish checking the articles for our little project which ended last November. It's a one-girl team doing all the checking of more than 700 articles!

5. Complete registrations to events. Fingers crossed with hopeful heart.

Now only a few more left:

1. Work on blog backlogs. But sometimes I question myself if it's still relevant. On the other hand, for memories' sake, I'll still do it.

-SG (with focus on my first day spent at Palau Ubin)

-South Korea

-Oriental Mindoro (done with the excavation part, will write about mapping)

-Cavinti falls + visita iglesia part 2 in Laguna

-Laguna part 1 continuation

-farm visit in Sta. Maria, Laguna (my 2015 weekends seem to be spent mostly either in Pangasinan or in Laguna).

-HK wetland park (this I really have to write about)

-Pangasinan part 1

-MX (Teotihuacan, National Museum of Anthropology, Vasconcelos Library)

-Theaters (Rak of Aegis, Mga Buhay na Apoy, Haring Lear)

-Movies (Oro Plata Mata, Stand By Me, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, +plane movies during my MX trip)

2. Transfer my Math noted to index cards. The materials are ready but I just found it hard to sneak this into my schedule.

3. Finish the books I started to read in 2015. Too many to mention. Classic drifter here, yo!

4. Work on my academic papers for publication based on my drafts. At least I was able to present these already. Worked in reverse of what happened in 2014 when I first had my full paper for presentation.

5. Finish the series I started from 2014. (Not really a priority... But I'm itching to share my thoughts on some cool anime series I stumbled upon.)

6. Play music. This I do occasionally to calm my overactive mind.

So there. I'm sure I will have another busy year this year. Bring it on, 2016!